Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 11 - 1040 or Fight - full transcript

Mary has just received notice that she is being audited by the IRS. She isn't overly worried as she keeps meticulous records and she reports all her income... well, almost. She is expecting a grizzled old man as her auditor, so she is surprised to see that her auditor, Robert C. Brand, is a youngish man. He ends up sending Mary mixed messages. On the one hand, he asks her about everything in her tax returns, including the smallest details, and he continually refers to her as Miss Richards (and she in turn continually refers to him as Mr. Brand). On the other hand, he asks her out several times and gives her gifts, both all in the name of business. So she isn't sure if their outings are really dates and if the gifts are meant to be romantic gestures. Only when what ends up being an extremely long audit is completed will Mary really know for sure. Her feelings about Mr. Brand in return may be tempered by the amount she may have to pay the IRS in back taxes.

♪ How will you make it
on your own ♪

♪ This world is awfully big ♪

♪ And, girl
this time you're all alone ♪

♪ But it's time
you started living ♪

♪ It's time you let someone else
do some giving ♪

♪ Love is all around ♪

♪ No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You might just make it ♪

♪ After all ♪

♪ You might just make it
after all ♪♪

So it ended up that we
were working in the newsroom
till 1:00 in the morning.

Thank goodness Mr. Grant told us
not to come in till noon today.

- Did you say you wanted bacon?
- Bacon? No.
No, just a hard-boiled egg.

Just a 70-calorie
hard-boiled egg
for old tubbo.

Well, maybe
a little dry toast...

with some butter on it.

Do I smell jam?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the dieter.

I'm entitled to break
my diet a little.
I've been good all day.

It's 10:30 a.m.


- Who is it?
- It's Phyllis!

Why is it always Phyllis
when I'm in a good mood?

- Hi.
- Hi. Like it?

What is that?
A Christian Dior
or a Marcus Welby?

What's it for?

Well, Lars's receptionist
left to get married...

so for the past two days
I've been subbing.

And it is so satisfying,
Mary, I cannot tell you.

Lars's receptionist, huh?
How are things in
the skin doctor game?

- Dermatology.
- Oh.

You know how it is there...
hectic and crazy.

Oh, the wonderful,
wacky world of bad skin.

Mary, I cannot tell you
how satisfying it is
to be working again.

Most people would say,
"Phyllis, you have everything.
What more could you want?"

And I say, " It's just not
enough, being a model wife
and a perfect mother."

- You know how I am.
- Mm-hmm!

We just have a hard time
believing it.

I have to go
to the hairdresser's.

Don't you have to be
at the office? How can
you have your hair done?

something to shoot for.

You know, I love her.
I really do.

But what is it about her?

I don't know,
but I'll tell you something.

If she keeps on
the way she's going,
she's gonna give...

overbearing, aggressive women
a bad name.

[Typewriter Keys Clacking]

Total commercial billings.

Sixty ten-second spots...

160 each, is...

- is, uh...
- [Ringing]

I have got to get Vi to answer
this phone until I'm finished...

or I'm never
gonna finish this!

Newsroom. Hello.
Yes. Yes, Vi.

I will.
I'll do that. Right.

Vi would like me
to pick up her phones
while she's out to lunch.

What's lunch, Murray?
It seems so long,
I've forgotten.

Can I say something to you?

I know what you're gonna say...
that I am working too hard...

and I mustn't let it upset me,
and you're right, I won't.

I wasn't gonna say that.
I was gonna say, " Would you
pull the picture file?"

- I need a shot of Neil Armstrong
to go with this story.
- Sure.

Oh! Hey,
let me help you.

No, no. No.
They're in alphabetical order.

Well, how do you...
how do you put photographs
in alphabetical order?

You take the last names
of the most important persons
in the picture.

- Mm. Oh,
this one's tough.
- Who have you got?

The president
and Joe Namath.


Oh, those two-hour
Mexican lunches really
take it out of you.

I think I'll go
to my dressing room...

and have a little fiesta.

Nothing like a little
nap-a-rino to pick you up.

- Kind of makes you want
to cry, doesn't it?
- [Shudders]

Okay, everybody stop working
for a minute.

Now, the program manager
is so impressed...

with the way we muddle through
a half hour of news...

that he's expanding the show
to a full hour.

- That's terrific.
- Well.

That means a little more work
from each of us...

for those who consider
twice as much a little more.

I want you all to think
about how we're gonna fill
that extra half hour.

[Clears Throat]
I'd like to propose...

that we double the airtime
of this fellow right here.

Thanks, Ted.
That'll give me two whole
minutes to do the weather.

Say no more, Gordo.
You don't have to tell me.

- You and I speak
the same language.
- [Chuckles]

- Right on.
- What's that?

Forget it.

Mary, I want you to give
top priority to filling
that extra half hour.

I figure that if I skip
lunches and work overtime
for the next two weeks...

I could maybe catch up
to where I was a month ago.

- Which was?
- Three weeks behind.

There's a little extra
money for all of us,
not much, but...

No, the little extra money
is not gonna help me
get this work done.

- Hire an assistant.
- What I need is an assistant.
You mean it?

Sure. Call Personnel
and tell them you need somebody.

Tell them you can pay, uh...

$82.57 a week.

Mr. Grant, where did you
get that figure?

That was the little extra
money for all of us.

[Typewriter Keys Clacking]

Rhoda, are you sure you
want me to do this to your
dresses, this midi thing?

- Yes.
- I just hate it.

Of course you do.
You got good legs.

I live in the world of fashion.
I do what all the magazines
tell me to do.

I wore a hard hat for a week
before I realized the magazine
was Popular Mechanics.

That was a joke.
You're supposed to laugh.

- I'm sorry. It's just I've
got problems at the office.
- What?

- [Knocking]
- If I don't find somebody
to help me with the extra work...

I'm gonna go right
out of my mind.

- Hi, all.
- Hi!

So who's going
out of whose mind?

I am, unless
a minor miracle occurs
and I find an assistant.

- An assistant?
- Yeah, to help me with
some work on the show.

Why don't you just
shorten her legs?

So how about me
for the job?

Well, you're already
working for Lars...

and I need somebody
right now, so...

I'm available.

Lars got a little upset
at something I did,
and he gave me the old sack.

- What did you do?
- It was nothing.

- It must've been
something. What?
- Uh...

Well, Lars got called out,
and there were
all these patients...

sitting there in his office,
so I treated a few of them.

So, like I said,
uh, I'm available.

Phyllis, look,
about the job, you wouldn't
be interested in it.

You don't know
all the dumb things
you'd have to do.

It's just... It's all typing
and filing and boring...

There are no small jobs,
only small people.

But, Phyllis, you're not
small enough for this job.

Mary, don't.
I'll do something else.

- Somebody's
gotta want me.
- Oh, I don't know.


Mary, forget it.
I don't go anyplace
I'm not wanted.

Okay. Oh, boy, Phyllis.
Okay, all right!

You want to... try it
for, let's say, a week?

Okay, all right,
I'll try it for two weeks.

It'll be fun,
a real challenge.

- I'm sure it will be.
- [Chuckling]

- You know, it's kind of cute.
- Wha... What?

- I was just thinking,
it's cute, that's all.
- Yeah?

- I mean, that I have
my master's degree...
- Yes?

And you left college
after two years,
and I'm your assistant.

- [Both Laughing]
- Cute.

I'm telling you, it wasn't easy
in those days, those early days.

Wild-eyed kid with a dream...

dream to be an anchorman.

Grabbing at Lady Luck...

running around helter...

Is Mary here yet? Ah.


- It seemed at the time
like reaching for the stars.
- Ted.

Your life story has been
going on for a half hour now...

and we're just up
to August 1953.

I mean, can you hurry up
with the point?

It's like waiting
for a sneeze.

Well, I guess I just
got to reminiscing.

- Yeah.
- And I think to myself...

"What'd I do it for,
the money?"

- Mm-mm.
- No.

The money was
the least of it.

Then again, even though the
money is the least of it, now
that we're going to an hour...

You want a raise.
Is that it?


I wrote a figure
on this pad.

Ted, I wrote two words
on this pad.

[Clears Throat]

I think there's a little room
for negotiation...

between that figure
and those words.

On the other hand,
maybe not.

## [Whistling]

Phyllis, I am saying...

problem with your maid
or no problem,
this cannot happen again.

- An hour late!
- Don't do it to yourself.

Don't be a robot,
tied down to schedules
and clocks.

Phyllis, for the time
being, let's just say
that I'm a robot, huh?

- So this is the newsroom.
- Yeah, this is it.

- Morning, Gordy.
- Hi, Mary.
How are you?

Gordy, I'd like you to meet
Phyllis Lindstrom,
my new assistant.

- This is Gordy Howard,
our weatherman.
- Phyllis.

I just want to say one thing.
I'd love you to come over
for dinner...

so we can really
get to know each other.

I mean, a-as human beings...

because we're going
to be working together.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Gordy and I
really hit it off.

- Mary!
- Morning, Murray.

I'd like you to meet my new
assistant, Phyllis Lindstrom.
This is Murray Slaughter.

How do you do?
I'd love you to come
over for dinner...

Where have you been?
Lou started yelling
for you an hour ago...

- so I had to cover for you.
- Thank you. What did you
tell him I was doing?

Hanging up your coat.

Well, Phyllis, sit down.
You can use my desk for today.

Mary, it's not
too important, but, uh...
there is one thing.

- What?
- Well, you've been
calling me your assistant.

Yeah. Well, I mean,
that's what you are.

I mean...
It's just a word, Phyllis.

So is "inferior"
just a word.

- Well, is there another word
you would prefer?
- "Coworker."

All right.

- Finally find a hook
for your coat, did ya?
- Oh, Mr. Grant.

l... I'm very sorry.

The first day of
our new production schedule,
and you show up an hour late.

- I'm sure you have an absolutely
great excuse. I'm waiting.
- Well, Mr. Grant...

Halley's Comet hit her
on her way over.

- What?
- Well, let's face it.

She could lie or make up
some fabulous excuse.

Would it make her
any more on time?
I leave it to you.

Mr. Grant, I would like you
to meet my new coworker,
Phyllis Lindstrom.

This is Mr. Grant.

- [Chuckles]
- You mean she works here?

Uh, yes.

Good. You're fired.

She's... really just
trying to be helpful
in her own way.

Lou, if it'll make it up to you,
I'll stay till, say...

oh, uh, say, uh, 6:00?

- Mary.
- Phyllis, our normal
quitting time is 7:00.

This should be
an interesting day for you.

A sort of combination

and last chance.

Okay, Phyllis, this has
to go into mimeo tonight.

- Phyllis?
- Oh, yes. What do you
want me to do?

All you have to do is sort this
into two piles... the pink sheets
and the blue sheets.

The pinks and the blues,
pinks and the blues.

- Kind of like little girl babies
and little boy babies.
- Uh-huh.

- And?
- That's it.

- That's it?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, that's so boring.
Don't you have people
who do that sort of thing?

Uh, yeah, Phyllis,
I have a person who does
this sort of thing... you.

[Chuckles] I know
this doesn't rival working
in a dermatologist's office...

Do you have the rubber stamp
with my signature on it?

I have to autograph
these pictures.

- I'm sorry, Ted.
I don't know where it is.
- Mary.

Uh, Phyllis Lindstrom,
my new, uh, coworker...

- this is Ted Baxter.
- Hi.

Well, Ted Baxter.

How can I find the words?

I don't know.

Of course, I'm... I'm
thrilled and excited.

Yes, of course.


there is something
I feel compelled to say.

It has to do with the impression
you make on others...

and the tremendous impact
you have on people...

and how outrageously
attractive you are.

- Oh, I'm boring you.
- You're not.

You're not. Cross my heart,
you're not. Go on.

But, well, you
frustrate them, Ted.
You're strong.

You're too strong,
almost distant.

You know, you're
the first one around here
to recognize that.

Look, I have to go
to the studio right now.
What are you doing here?

- Oh, just some stuff.
- Come with me.

Phyllis, how's
that, uh, stuff coming?

Sorry, Mary,
but I need this girl.

Well, Ted, she's supposed
to be doing the filing.

She has more important things
to contribute to this show...

than just filing
some dumb blue papers.

Don't worry, Mary.
I'll do it later.

- Bye, Gordy.
- Yeah, uh-huh.

Blue. Blue, pink...

blue, pink, blue, pink...

- I thought you hired
Phyllis to do that.
- Blue.

I thought I hired Phyllis
to do this too.

If she's not doing that,
what is she doing?

This copy you sent down, Ted
doesn't like it. See what
you can do to perk it up.

- [Murray]
Perk it up?
- Uh, Phyllis?


Murray, would you
excuse Phyllis and me
for just a minute, please?

Not on your life.
I want to watch you explode.

Mary doesn't explode.

Yes, Mary does explode!

It's just that Mary has
this, uh, long fuse, you see...

and people think that they
can take advantage of her
because she has this long fuse.

But, Phyllis,
every once in a while, the fuse
burns down, and then it just...

Let me understand this.
You feel I'm taking
advantage of you?

Look, I gave you a job.
You are supposed to be...

- Filing.
- Filing.

You are not supposed to be
coming in here and telling...

She's got me so crazy,
I can't think of your name.

- Murray.
- Thank you, Murray.

You are not supposed
to be coming in here
and telling Murray that...

- Ted.
- Doesn't like his copy.

That's not yourjob, Phyllis.
Yourjob is to be my assistant.

- Coworker.
- Assistant, Phyllis!

No, I am not gonna do
your job for you!

You're right.
You were nice enough
to give me this job...

and I just got swept up
with the glamour of it all...

I mean, Ted Baxter,
the lights, the cameras.

As soon as I finish up
in the studio, I'll do this.
I'll stay until midnight...

It's all right. No. Go.
You can do it in the morning.

I did most of it
myself anyway.

- Oh, thanks, Mary.
- Uh-huh.

- Murray, see what you can do
to perk this up.
- Perk it up.

- Hi, Gordo.
- Yeah, uh-huh.

Thanks, guys.

Rockefeller, Nelson, Governor.

Rockefeller, Winthrop, Governor.
Rockefeller, David.

Rockefeller, John D., Junior.

Rockefeller, Happy.
Rockefeller Center...

- You're filing?
- No. No, no.
That's, uh, Phyllis's job.

No, I was just, uh,
looking for something.

Ah, here it is.

It's hard to believe...

that you had an urgent need
for the file on Pancho Villa.

- Well, you know.
- Mm-hmm.

Come into my office.

Mary, I'm going to ask you
a question...

and I want the truth.

How's your new assistant,
Princess Margaret Rose,
shaping up?

Uh, just fine.
Just fine.

Y-You know, i-it, uh...

it... it takes
a little time to, uh...

But she's going to.
She's, uh, gonna be just fine.

Just... fine.

Of course, uh...

she has been spending
a lot of her time
with Ted in the studio.

They seem to really
have hit it off...

I mean, to the point
where you might say
that she's not quite, uh...

doing a single bit of work
around here.

Mary, you could use
a little fatherly advice.

The fatherly advice is,
why'd you hire her?

Well, that's a hard one
to explain, Mr. Grant.

- She's a crackerjack typist?
- Oh, n-n...

She's a great organizer?
A whiz at shorthand?

She helped me
find my apartment.


Rule number one:
Don't hire friends.

I hired a friend once.
You know what happened?

Worked out great.
But that's me.
You can't handle it.

I know.

I can't handle Phyllis.
I've known her for years,
and she's just... she's...

Well, she's very intelligent,
you know, and, uh...

Let me put it this way.

If Phyllis were drowning,
her life wouldn't flash
before her eyes.

Eleanor Roosevelt's life
would flash before her eyes.

- Lou, can I see you a minute?
- No, I'm busy.

- Oh.
- [Phyllis]
What he say?

- What he say?
- He's busy.

He's busy? Use your strength.
Try it again.

All right.


You and I are gonna have
a little talk.

- [Shouts]
What do you want?
- I want her here.

Ted, I'm too busy
to play games.

Well, all right.
[Clears Throat]

I'll just talk
to the general manager.

All right, Ted.
Let's talk.

Uh, Phyllis,
I think you and I
have some filing to do.

[Clears Throat]
Remember when we had that
little discussion yesterday?

That figure is still in my mind,
and this time you're not
gonna talk me out of it.

What's more, not only do I want
that raise we discussed...

but I also want
some new writers on the show.

Now, Phyllis here tells me
this Norman Mailer fellow's
pretty good.

And if he's not available,
how about this Truman "Capot"?

- "E."
- Oh, yes, that's right.

Truman E. "Capot."

Look, Ted...

No, Lou, you look.

Either I get what I want,
or I don't go on tonight.

Mary, would you get me
the file on available anchormen
and their phone numbers?

- I may need
somebody tonight.
- Yes, sir.

He's bluffing.

You're bluffing, Lou.

Trying to pull
the old bluff-a-rino, eh?

But it won't work.

Here they are. I think they're
up to date, so almost any
of them should be available.

You're trying to bluff me,
too, eh, Mar?

I'll tell you, it won't work,
Lou. I want that raise,
and I want it fast.

- Let's try him first.
- Yes, sir.

Who are you gonna dial,
Mar, the weather report?

Bluff, bluff,
bluff, bluff, bluff.

- Hello. This is
Mr. Lou Grant's office at W...
- [Dings]

I think I have
some filing to do.

All right, all right.
I didn't say I needed
those things I want.

I just said I wanted
to talk about it...
and I talked about it.

- Who were you calling?
- Uh, it's gonna be
fair and warmer.

Mary, she is dangerous.

She's actually got
Baxter convinced...

he's capable
of human thought.

Mary, you've got to...

- Keep her away
from Ted Baxter.
- No.

- Give her a good talking to?
- No.

- Fire her?
- That's it.


It seems a little barbaric,
doesn't it, putting candy
out to fire somebody?

Melts in your mouth,
not in your unemployment line.

She was so awful at work today,
but it just...

See, I know it's
because underneath
that confidence...

she's really a mass
of insecurity, you know?

- How am I gonna tell her
I have to let her go?
- I don't know.

- But you'll think of something.
You're good at that.
- [Knocking]

- It's me.
- Oh.

- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.

- Good luck.
- Good luck? What for?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.
Uh, listen.

Uh, Phyllis, I have
some coffee in the kitchen.
Would you like some?

- No. I had a cup downstairs.
- You're fired.

l-I didn't say that.

Phyllis, it just slipped out.
I just...

Phyllis, sit down.

Phyllis, I am so sorry
I said that, but...

At least I said it.
At least now it's out.

And the important thing
to remember here is...

that not everybody
is right for every job.

I knew it.

I kept telling myself,
"Phyllis," I said,
"dress dowdy."

Wh- What?

Dress dowdy. "Sure," I said,
"Mary's a pleasant-looking
single girl...

"even a... a nice-looking
single girl.

But you know how touchy
career gals get when you're
married and they're not."

Phyllis, what does your
being married and my being not
have to do with this?

Nothing. We'll just say
you fired me because I'm not
right for the job, okay?

- Want to say that?
- Phyllis.

No, we'll say that.
I'll tell Lars.

He'll get such
a howl out of it.

Don't worry, Mary.
It doesn't matter, really.

Lars and I have
fantastic plans for tonight.
You know how married people are.

- Oh? Where are you going?
- Oh, we're staying home.

Phyllis, will you please
stop apologizing?

I can't help it.
I mean, I've been
just dumb and awful.

I deserve being fired.
And I took it so badly when you
told me you had to let me go.

This just really
is not necessary.

I just want you to know
I know I did a lousy job.

I didn't do the filing,
and I came in late all the time,
and I got Lou mad at you...

and I caused dissension
in the office, and I just
generally didn't do my job.

- And that's all
I'm gonna say.
- Good.

Now, will you sign this?

- What is it?
- A letter of recommendation.

"To whom it may concern.
Phyllis Lindstrom is
dependable, efficient, prompt...

- Just put your
signature on it.
- " tactful, takes direction well...


mature attitude..."