Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 12 - Anchorman Overboard - full transcript

Phyllis asks an already exasperated Mary if she would ask Ted if he would speak at her women's club meeting this evening. Mary tells her she is reluctant to do so if only because Ted is not very good at public speaking. But Mary asks anyway, and Ted agrees. Mary figures that if Murray writes his speech, the evening should go smoothly. Lou isn't too sure, and would have preferred if she didn't ask Ted this favor, which he would not have allowed if he knew she was planning to ask. As Lou predicts, the evening is a disaster with Ted unable to speak to anything beyond what is written for him. The result is a shaken Ted is unable to cope with any kind of public speaking, including carrying out his job. Since he considers the problem Mary's fault, Lou orders her to bring back the old Ted. Mary believes she has the solution with the help of publicist Dave Curson and a group of yo-yo'ers.

♪ How will you make it on your own ♪

♪ This world is awfully big ♪

♪ And, girl
this time you're all alone ♪

♪ But it's time you started living ♪

♪ It's time you let someone else
do some giving ♪

♪ Love is all around ♪

♪ No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You might just make it ♪

♪ After all ♪

♪ You might just make it after all ♪♪


Hi, Phyllis. I'm sorry. I don't
have time to talk. I'm late for work.

- Do you have a few minutes
and a cup of coffee?
- I'm really in kind of a hurry.

Oh. Well,
then just make it instant.

But, Phyllis,
you don't understand.

In a couple of minutes, I'm gonna be
late for work. Uh, no, I'm not. I am.

- Uh, what is it?
- Mary, I'm in a real bind.

I've got a deadline,
and you've just gotta help me.

- What do you need?
- A cup of coffee... and Ted Baxter.

- Ted Baxter?
- Yes.

To give a talk for my club.
I'm in charge of guest speakers,

and I don't have
any guest speaker for tonight.

- So can you help me out?
- Tonight? But that's tonight.

I know. I guess you're
entitled to the whole story.

Uh, we had
Dr. Herman Davis lined up...

you know, the controversial
psychiatrist who wrote that great book,

Don't Be Embarrassed About S-E-X.


But he, uh, he backed out.

He decided at the last minute
he was uncomfortable with women.

Well, Phyl, I don't know. Ted's
not very good at that sort of thing.

But, Mary,
it's just talking.

Yeah, well, it's just talking
that Ted's not very good at.

Mary, if I were
in your position,

you know that I would do
anything I could to help me.

- Yeah.
- But I can see
it's just too much trouble.

Well, Phyllis, listen.
Let's just say...

- [Continues, Indistinct]
- that I could get Ted to talk,
how long would you need him?

- I'd need him to talk 15 minutes.
- [Sighs]

Well, I suppose I could get Murray
to write something for him.

I'm really in a hurry.
You really helped me.

I just wish there were something
I could do for you.

Phyllis, the only thing I need
is to get to work.

Listen, my car is in the shop. Do you
think you could drive me to work?

- Oh, sure!
- Oh, thank you.

Let's see.
It's 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back.

- If it's really that important to you.
- Well, it would help.

It'll take me 15 minutes to get ready,
but if you really want me to...

- Well, no. Forget it, really.
- Well, I'll postpone things.
I'll move things around.

- No, Phyl, please.
Don't postpone anything.
- I'll drop them if necessary.

- Thanks anyway.
- Don't mention it.
What are friends for?

- Murray, is the coffee ready yet?
- No, not yet, Lou.

No coffee? We usually have coffee
by 9:00, and it's already...

It's... How come it's always the
Minneapolis clock that's on the blink?

Maybe it's because that's the clock
we use all the time, Lou.

I mean, if the Tokyo clock
stopped, who'd notice?

I need coffee.
He almost made sense to me.

- Does anybody here
know how to work this machine?
- I can do it.

Uh, where do you put the dime?

It's not that kind of machine.

- Well, then I can't do it.
- [Groans]

- Good morning, everybody.
- Hi, Mar.

Do you realize that if the clock
was working, you'd be late?

- I'm sorry, Mr. Grant.
- Don't apologize now.

- Go make coffee now.
You can apologize later.
- Coffee, right, right.

- Hi, Ted. I'm glad to see you.
- Coffee, coffee, coffee.

- Coffee, coffee, yes.
Does anyone have a dime?
- Uh... see?

I need it to open the cabinet.
The handle's broken.


Ted, I've got a favor to ask of you.

- You remember my friend,
Phyllis Lindstrom?
- Mmm.

Well, she is in charge of
the guest speakers for her club,

and she was wondering whether or not
you would make a speech at her club.

- It's a women's club.
- Well, if they wanted me,

I assumed it was a women's club.

Well, gee, I don't know
what to say, Mar. I mean, I'm...

Well, I, uh...
"I'd love to."

- Oh, Ted, thank you.
- Oh, it's nothing.

You know, this could be
a very interesting experience.

I mean, talking in front of all
those people... in person, I mean.

Now I'll be able to actually
hear their applause...

instead of just knowing
it's there.

Ted, I don't know
how to break this to you,

but I don't think people sit at home
at night applauding the 6:00 news.

- Murray...
- Oh, I know just what you're gonna say.

Would you write
a speech for Ted?

Oh, Mary, I, l...
"I'd love to."

Ah, thank you, Murray.

Mar, uh, when do those
ladies want me to speak?

Uh, well, tonight.

- Tonight?
- Yeah.

Well, that doesn't give me
much time for him to prepare.

Well, what is Ted supposed
to talk about tonight?

Oh, what difference
does it make? They'll love me.

I've gotten cheers
by just simply cutting a ribbon
at a supermarket opening.

That's because they didn't
think you could do it.

- What the heck
am I gonna talk about?
- Well...

I have this wonderfully
amusing anecdote about...

[Laughs] what happened to me
when I bought this suit.

Uh, no, Ted. I think
what they want is your personal
view of the world situation.

He doesn't have one.

What they're gonna get is my view of his
personal view of the world situation.

So all those ladies wanted me?

Well, I'd better get to work.
I've got to write today's news,

Ted's speech
and finish my novel before 6:00.

Murray, I didn't know
you were writing a novel.

Reading one.

- Oh.
- [Phone Rings]

Newsroom. Oh, hi, Phyl. Yes, it's
all set for tonight. Ted'll be there.

No, forget it.
You don't owe me a thing.

8:00, Manning Hall.

No, really, Phyl.
You don't owe me anything.

Well, I'll tell you,
there is one thing. I could use
a ride home tonight about 7:00.

Oh, right, of course, the meeting.
How could I forget that?

No, no, don't not have
your hair done, Phyl, really.

Yeah, I know.
The buses leave every 24 minutes.

Yes, Ted will be there.

- Ted will be where?
- Oh, well, I just arranged for
Ted to speak at a women's club.

Mary, do me a favor.

Next time you do something like this,
you ask my permission first.

Wait, no, no.
I'll save you the trouble.

Next time,
the answer will be no.

Oh, well, okay, Mr. Grant.
But wh-why?

Mary, a karate expert's hands...

can get him in a lot of trouble.

Yeah, but what does that
have to do with Ted?

Those hands are considered
a deadly weapon.

It's the same with Ted's mouth.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Were you waiting
to see somebody?

- I'm waiting to see Miss Richards.
- I'm Miss Richards.

- Are you Miss Richards?
- Yes.

I'm Dave Curson. I'm a publicity man.
You've probably heard of me.

No, I can't say that I have.

Oh. I'm gonna
have to work on that.

- Well, uh, would you like to sit down?
- Oh, thank you.

- Oh.
- That's...

- What can I do for you?
- Well, I saw your name
on the board downstairs,

and it said you were associate
producer of the news.

- Congratulations.
- Well, thank you.

I thought you'd be the person to see
about getting some publicity.

You see, I thought if I could get some
of my clients on your news program,

it would really
help my business a lot.

Oh. Well, I think probably
the man you should see is Lou Grant.

- He's in charge of the news.
- Was that Mr. Grant who just left?

- Yes.
- I don't think
I'm ready for Mr. Grant yet.

I know what you mean.

So, uh, who are
some of your clients?

You've heard of the
Midwestern Yo-Yo Association?

Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Curson,
I don't see how a news program
could help publicize yo-yos.

I guess you're right.
Well, look, here's my card.

If you ever need any publicity
for the station, just give me a call.

Oh, Mr. Curson, uh, the telephone
number here is crossed out.

Oh, I know that. You see, the printer
made a mistake on the phone number,

so I got 'em for half price.

If he'd left my name off, I probably
could've got 'em for nothing.

- Well, good-bye.
- Good-bye.

- Is this a "pull"? It's a "pull"?
- Yes, it's...

- Uh, Mar?
- Yes, Ted?

About tonight. Do you think I ought
to wear my dark blue suit or my tux?

Oh, I think the blue suit
will be fine.

- Okay. Mary?
- Yes?

I was just wondering...
I mean, if you're through with it...

- Yes?
- Could I have my dime back?

- [Doorbell Buzzes]
- Who is it?

- [Doorbell Buzzes]
- Who is it?

It's me... Phyllis.

- Wh- What's the matter?
- "What's the matter?"

- Yeah. Is there something wrong?
- "Is there something wrong?"

Phyllis, will you stop
repeating everything I say
and tell me what's the matter!

Wait a minute.
Ted. Your club.

How did, uh...
It didn't go well, did it?

Well, it didn't go at all.

It just laid there.

Mary, you could at least have warned me
that he's never spoken in public before.

Phyllis, I did.
I told you... What happened?

Well, he wasn't so bad in the beginning
when he was reading his speech.

I mean, at least he finished.

- We applauded. It was all very nice.
- And?

And then Helen Edwards
asked him a question.

Wa- Was it a hard question?

Well, yes, it was.

It was, " Are you for or against
women's liberation?"

Uh-oh. Was he for it
or against it?

Well, we don't know.

He just stood there with his mouth open,
like he was going to say something.

And then a sort of glaze
came over his eyes,

he giggled a couple of times,

said something nobody understood...

and then he asked if
there were any more questions.

- And were there?
- Well, yes.

There were about an hour's
worth of questions...

and two minutes' worth of answers.

Poor Ted.
He must feel just awful.

Why don't you ask him?

- Well, I would,
but it's a little late for calls...
- He's standing out in the hall.

In my hall?

He didn't want to come in unless
he had a personal invitation from you.

- Do you want to invite him in?
- Well, of course I do.

Ted, uh,
why don't you come in?

I don't know.

Well, uh, would you like
to come in?

I'm not sure.

[Phyllis] Could you phrase that
so it's not a question?

He seems to take orders
rather well.

- Ted, get in here.
- Yes, Mary.

- Can I take your coat?
- Another question!

I don't know.
I just don't know.

Hello, Mr. Grant?
It's me. Mary.

Mary Richards.

Oh, not much.

What's, uh, new with you?

Well, yes, Mr. Grant,
I do have a very good reason...

for calling you
at 1:00 in the morning.

- I don't know how to say this...
- Why don't you just say it?

I guess I'll just say it.

Mr. Grant, a little while ago
Ted dropped by,

and he was kind of upset and...

Mr. Grant, Ted's locked himself
in my bathroom, and he won't come out.

- So then what happened, Ted?
- So everything was going fine.

They were attentive,
laughing at what I was saying.

Then I realized
I wasn't saying anything funny.

I should have worn my tux.

Somehow you don't laugh at a man
when he's wearing a tux.

I don't know.
I just think you're blowing this
whole thing way out of proportion.

No, he's not, Mary.
I was there.

But what does it matter
if a few women laugh?

How many could there have been?

- Twenty-five.
- Two hundred.

Actually, we're both right.

There were 200 when he started.

Mary, come into my office.

We're, uh, just
going to make coffee.

They're just going to make coffee.

- Ted needs a drink.
- Oh, well, Mr. Grant,

- I really don't think
that Ted's in any shape...
- Mary. Mary. Mary.

- What, Mr. Grant?
- When a man's in that... kind of shape,

he doesn't need milk and cookies.

- I've got some brandy.
- Another glass, please.

I never like to see anybody
drink alone, unless it's me.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.

When I was a kid,

the whole family used to
practically live in the kitchen.

- I've got to get going.
- I just got rattled.

I didn't know they were going
to ask hard questions.

I tried to help him out
by asking a question that
I was sure he could answer.

I asked him
where he bought his suit.

How was I supposed to know?
I own three suits.

Ted, why didn't you just open up
your coat and read your label?

Oh, sure.
It's easy to second-guess.

a Monday morning quarterback.

I'm telling you, Lou,
I can't do it.

I've lost my charisma.

Whatever that is.

Ted, you know,
I know just how you feel.

- I was humiliated once.
- You were?

Oh, yeah.
It was a high school play,

and we were doing
Romeo and. Juliet, and...

Well, you know the big scene, the final
scene when Romeo thinks that I'm dead?

And I was lying out there,
and Romeo was standing over me.

And he had just plunged
the dagger into himself,

and... I suddenly had to sneeze.

I tried as h-hard as I could
not to sn-sn-sneeze.

And I did. I sneezed, and Romeo
looked down and said, "Gesundheit."

And I looked up
and ad-libbed, "Thank you."

Oh, it was awful!

A high school play, Mary.
It's not the same thing.

Oh, but no, Ted. My mother and father
were sitting in the audience.

So were mine.

They were the first to leave.

Ted, my point is that
I survived, and so will you.

Thanks, Mary,
for trying to make me feel good.

I wish you were better at it.

I think I'll...
I'll go home now.

Ted, you're not going home.

- He isn't?
- I'm not?

No. You're coming with me.

I have a guest room.

I'll drive you to work in the morning.
It'll be nice.

Thanks, Lou.
I love you for that.

- Good night, Mar.
- Good night, Ted.

You know, Mr. Grant,
that's really very, very nice.

What's nice? It's the only way
I can guarantee he'll show up for work.

Besides, it's a great excuse
to get my wife out of the guest room.

[Ted On TV]
That was the senator making
that statement at the airport today.

Ladies and gentlemen,
a serious "warming" from...

uh, warning from the University
of Minnesota's "asphosmerics"...

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
Atmospherics department.

[Clears Throat]
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen. l...

Dale Wick, head
of the department of atmo...

of that department...
announced that in five years,

smog could reach
"legal" proportions.

What? Oh.

Lethal proportions.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
I seem to be having a little trouble.

I'm, uh, just sorry.

And now for the lighter
side of the news.

The "populotion explusion"...

Oh, Lord, I'm sorry.

[Mr. Grant]
Mary, get in here!

- Yes, Mr. Grant?
- Sit down, Mary.

The rating book
came in for this week.

Take a look
at the 6:00 news rating.

We went up!

That's right.
Do you know why? I'll tell you.

Because people are tuning in
to laugh at Ted Baxter.

Or as he might put it,
"Bed Taxter."

He's become the thing to do.

We're starting to catch on, Mary.

But I don't want that.

I don't want to do a successful
comedy show with Mr. Blooper.

I'd rather do
an unsuccessful news show.

Is that too much to ask, Mary?

Mr. Grant, are you trying to say
that I am to blame for this?

I mean, all right, I admit I got
Ted involved in that women's club,

but I really don't see how that
makes all of this my fault.

- Sit down.
- I didn't...

Maybe, Mary, you haven't
noticed this about me before,

but I'm one of the few people
in my field...

who doesn't have a peptic ulcer.

And one of the reasons for that
is that I'm able to delegate blame.

Nothing that goes wrong here
is my fault.

It's Ted's fault.
It's Murray's fault.

It's Gordy's fault.
This is your fault.

- It is, isn't it?
- So fix it...

before it begins
to look like it's my fault!

This is Ted Baxter saying
good "nise" and good "nute."

- What was going on in there?
- Oh, you don't want to hear about it.

I already did.

- Hi, Ted.
- You're just saying that
to make me feel good.

Hey, look, Ted, it was my fault.
It was a slow news day.

I just couldn't write anything
exciting for you to read.

A revolution in South America,
a crisis in the Far East...

and an earthquake in Peru.

No, Murray,
it's not the news. It's me.

I've lost something.

Has anyone seen my hat?

I think it's under Mary's coat.

Ted, it's nighttime.

I know. I'm just not in the mood
to be recognized.

- Excuse me. Aren't you...
- No, I'm not. I used to be.

He still looks a lot like him.

[Clears Throat]
Hi, Miss Richards.

- Oh, hi.
- Remember me?

- Sure. You're, um... Dave Curson.
- Dave Curson.

You remembered.

Well, it looks like you're busy.
I'll come back.

No, I wasn't, really.
I was just about to close up shop.

- What can I do for you?
- Well, you see, I had this idea.

And, uh, it's probably not
a very good one. No, it's no good.

Mr. Curson, why don't you
let me hear the idea?

Oh, well, it was an idea I had
for the Midwestern Yo-Yo Association.

You see, they're having their Midwestern
Yo-Yo Championships this Sunday,

and I thought your
announcer, Paul Price,

could accept their
Man of the Year award.

Then maybe he'd announce it on the
6:00 news, you know, if he'd like to.

But it's not a very
good idea. Never mind.

- Uh, Mr. Curson, I wouldn't say that.
- You wouldn't?

I think I could get everyone
on the station yo-yos too.

There's just one problem.
You see, Paul Price is gonna
be covering the hockey game.

- See, I didn't think...
- No, wait a minute.
What if we could get Ted Baxter?

- Oh, Miss Richards,
do you think you could?
- Good night, Mar.

Murray, do you think we could get Ted
to accept a Man of the Year award?

Oh, sure. But who'd be
dumb enough to give him one?

- The Midwestern Yo...
- Yo Association.

Oh. Ted Baxter, Mr. Yo-Yo.

Well, the shoe certainly fits.

Anybody got the correct time
in Minneapolis?

Subtract 15 hours from Tokyo
and add a day.


- Good morning, Mr. Grant.
Can I help you with those?
- Good morning.

Uh, yeah. I want you
to answer these letters.

- Fan mail?
- Not exactly.

"Dear Sir: The 6:00 news
is an insult to my intelligence...

"and a disgrace to television.

"I am not going to watch
the show anymore,

and neither
are my mommy and daddy."

Did you ever get a hate
letter written in crayon?

Mr. Grant, have you seen
Ted this morning? I think
I might have some good news.

My good news is I haven't
seen Ted this morning.

- Oh, Lou.
- Ohh.

- Got to see you
about a couple of things.
- What is it, Ted?

First of all, there were no bath towels
in my dressing room again.

There's no bath
in your dressing room.

That's the second thing
I want to see you about.

Whoever heard of an anchorman's
dressing room without a bath?

[Deep Voice] I want you
to get on that right away, Lou.

After all, it's not
too much to ask for.

I understand
Cronkite's got a sauna.

How'd you do it?

I got 600 people
to give him an award...

600 people all applauding...
and all Ted had to say was, "Thank you."

Well, it sure worked.

Ted's back in shape, and we
certainly needed him back in shape.

Ted's his old self again.

He sure is.

You understand, of course, why I can't
bring myself to thank you for that.

[Typewriter Keys Clacking]

- Hi, Miss Richards.
- Hi, Dave Curson.

Dave Curson.
Remember me?


- I got Ted Baxter's award
back from the engraver.
- Ohh.

- The towels are real nice, Lou. Thanks.
- You're welcome, Ted.

Maybe the next time,
you can get me some cloth ones.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Mary] Uh, Ted?

Your award came back from the engravers,
and Dave wanted to present it to you.

- Oh.
- Good luck.


Oh, isn't it lovely!

What does it say, Ted?

"To Ted Baxter."

Read the rest of it, Ted.

"Yo-Yo Man of the Year."

Got any more of these little
award things?

As a matter of fact, I do.
I have another group here.

It's the Minneapolis
Association of Shoe Repairmen.