Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 10 - Assistant Wanted, Female - full transcript

Mary, overworked, is regardless three weeks behind in her work. So Lou's news that there is a new news format which means more money but also more work doesn't exactly please her. Feeling frustrated, Mary speaks to Lou about the situation. Using the money that was supposed to go to existing staff, Lou allows Mary to hire an assistant. When Mary mentions the job in passing, Phyllis volunteers for the job. A reluctant Mary can't say no to her friend despite Mary knowing that Phyllis isn't right for the job. Intellectual and self-professed easy going Phyllis doesn't like being constrained in a 9 to 5 type job, and balks at the clerical work that Mary gives her. Instead, she goes for what she sees as the more glamorous position as Ted's pseudo adviser. A combination of Phyllis' advice to Ted and Mary still being swamped as she is also doing Phyllis' job makes Lou come to a quick conclusion about what needs to be done.

♪ How will you make it on your own ♪

♪ This world is awfully big ♪

♪ And, girl
this time you're all alone ♪

♪ But it's time you started living ♪

♪ It's time you let
someone else do some giving ♪

♪ Love is all around ♪

♪ No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You might just make it ♪

♪ After all ♪

♪ You might just make it after all ♪♪

- Fan mail come in yet, Murr?
- No, not yet, Ted.

- Good morning, everybody.
I'm sorry I'm late.
- Hi.

- Has Mr. Grant been asking for me?
- No, and it's a good thing.

- You know how crazy he gets
when anybody's late.
- Yeah. Is he in there?

No. He's late.

- This the fan mail, Mar?
- I don't know, Ted.
I haven't had a chance to go through it.

I, l...

Chuckles the Clown,
Chuckles the Clown.

Chuckles the Clown.
Clown, clown, clown, clown.

- This isn't the newsroom mail.
- No, here's yours, Ted.

How come Chuckles the Clown
gets more mail than I do?

The morning prayer
gets more mail than you do.

- Mary, this is for you.
- A fan letter for me?

Well, I doubt it. It's from
the United States Treasury Department.

Maybe it's a refund.
No, it's a letter.

It's typed.

There's a signature on the bottom,
and it looks important.

So, uh, what...
what do you think?

Oh, Mary, I'm sorry.
Deeply sorry.

Well, ju... Wait a minute, Ted.
It's not that bad.

- I'm just being audited
on my income tax.
- Just being audited?

That's like saying
you're just being drafted.

Isn't it funny how all of a sudden
you can get a letter and feel guilty?

I didn't do anything wrong,
I don't think.

I always say, it pays
to have a great tax man.

It costs me five dollars more a year,
but it's worth it.

Too bad I'm losing him.
He's graduating and going on to college.

Well, I don't see how I could be
in any trouble at all.

I mean, I keep complete
records of everything.

l-I keep such complete records,
my friends kid me about it.

I keep the records, and I declare
all of my income. I, uh, uh...

I what?

Well, I declare
almost all my income.

I mean, if you're walking down
the street and you see a dime,
you don't declare that, do you?

- No.
- If you're walking around the office...

and somebody tells you you won
$10 in a World Series pool,
you don't declare that, do you?

- No.
- And if you're walking
around your apartment...

and the phone rings and it's
a college student asking you
to type up his thesis for $75...

- Yes, you do. They got you.
- I didn't.

You know, Mary, you're
the only person I know...

who bakes cookies for an audit
by the United States government.

Yeah, well, Murray said it wouldn't
hurt to make them feel comfortable.

I didn't know you could get
audited in your home.

So if they find you guilty,
what do they do, lock you in your room?

Good luck.
See you later.

Hey, Rhoda, why don't you stick around
to help break the ice?

Oh, wonderful.
Thanks a lot.

You have a date with
a $20,000 a year engineer,

it's " Bye, Rhoda,
see you later."

But a T-man with an adding
machine shows up, and it's
"Why don't you stick around?"

It's just that I'm very nervous.
I wish he'd get here.
I'd just like to get it over with.

Will you relax? You're making
a big deal out of nothing.

- You know how those guys are.
He'll probably be late.
- Uh-uh.

I got a feeling
this one is awfully precise.

- How can you tell?
- He made the appointment for 8:03.

- It's 8:03 right now.
- [Doorbell Buzzes]

Hi. I'm Robert C. Brand from
the Internal Revenue Service,

and I wonder if either of you
ladies are Mary Richards?

She's Mary Richards, sir.

Sorry. It's just that you're
not the way I pictured you'd be.

- She thought you
were gonna be old and mean.
- And you're young and...

- Mean? Yeah. No, I'm not.
- Yeah. No!

- Come on in.
- Thank you.

If you need to borrow any money,
I'll be upstairs...

rereading the Constitution.

He's cute.

Listen, I'm sorry
that I'm almost late,

but I had a flat tire and it
slowed me up a lot driving on it.

- You didn't stop to change it?
- Oh, no, no, that would
have made me very late.

- This is a nice place.
- Oh, well, it's not really that nice.

It's very small,
very inexpensive.

Uh, it's... This is the whole apartment.
I even sleep in here.

Oh. I sleep in my apartment too.

- You want to plug that in, don't you?
- Yes, mm-hmm.

- Well, right over here.
- Oh, fine. All right.

- Can I take your coat?
- That's very nice of you.

- Most people I audit never ask me that.
- Oh, they don't?

No. I think they think that
as long as I have on my overcoat
that I'll be leaving soon.

Ah, good. A wooden one.

Well, we'll just get this show
on the road now, all right?

[Adding Machine Cranking]

- Uh... Mr. Brand...
l-I want to tell you something.
- Yes?

I earned $75 typing a master's thesis,
$75 cash, which I didn't report.

I just... I forgot.
I didn't forget!

I just... I didn't know
I was supposed to.

But I want to report it now, $75.
I'm reporting it.

That's really very nice of you.
It's really funny though,

'cause that's just the kind
of thing we hardly ever catch.

All right, now, listen.
It's going to be a very long
night ahead of us, all right?

I want you to sit down,
relax, make yourself at home
and have a drink, all right?

- Would you like a drink?
- I'll have a vodka tonic.

Just as soon as I fix it
for myself.

- Would you like a drink?
- Oh, a martini, yes.

- Martini.
- But I'm not allowed to drink
while I'm auditing.

- It's highly unethical.
You know what I mean?
- Oh.

But, uh, if you're the type that
doesn't mind drinking alone...

l... No. I, uh... A chocolate cookie
is all I need. How about you?

- Oh, fine.
Nothing unethical about that.
- No.

Mmm. All right, Miss Richards,
as you probably don't know,

all income tax forms are
sent to our main office...

where they are analyzed, sorted and
processed by very high-speed computers.

- However, in your case,
it was completely different.
- Oh?

Yes, yours bypassed the computers
completely and came directly to my desk.

- Why did it do that?
- Well, you had 18 cents postage due.

- Oh, well, here's that.
- No, no, no, none of that. No, no, no.

We'll just put it
right on your tab.

Eighteen cents, six-percent
interest... at six months.

[Adding Machine Cranking]

All right.

Now, let's see. Do you have any
of your... any of your records handy?

Any... All. All of my records.
I have everything.

I have saved all my receipts,
my check stubs,

just about everything
you'd need right in here.

Oh, I wonder if you have anything
in a nice brown loafer?

You knew that was
a joke, didn't you?

- Yes.
- [Muttering]

Well, I just... I figure why spend
a lot of money on a filing cabinet.

- It's just as easy
to keep them in the shoe boxes.
- Sure.

Besides, that way
it's a great excuse once a year
to buy an extra pair of shoes.

- Oh, I see. That explains it.
- Explains what?

Oh, well, your $14.95 shoe deductions
under "office supplies."

The United States government
will not allow that.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh.

All righty. Hmm.

Now, what have we here?
This looks like an ice cream stick.

Yes, it is.
I can explain that.

You see, last year I took
a lot of YWCA kids on a picnic,

and while we were in the park,
I bought them each an ice cream
bar from the man in the truck.

So I put it
under "charitable donations,"
and the amount is written there.

I see. Well, you know, I really
hate to seem, like, nit-picking,

but it's customary to have the
salesperson's signature on the receipt.

Yes, it is. Name and license number
right on the back.

- Son of a gun.
- See?

That's why I don't understand
why I'm being audited. I mean,
I keep such complete records...

Lipstick, $26.
For lipstick?

Well, you see, Mr. Brand,
I work in a television newsroom, and...

Well, you know the large markers
you use for the cue...

Well, you don't. But we use large
marking pens for making cue cards.

We ran out, and the only thing
I could find was a case
of lipstick in the drugstore.

Can you tell me this?
Was any of this said lipstick...

ever used on your own
p-personal lips?

Well, it, uh, was my shade.

Hmm. Well...

It says here that you declare
your grandmother as a deduction.

- Is that true?
- Yes, I do. I send her $45 every month.

- Is there anything wrong with that?
- That's so admirable of you.

That's really nice; however,
it's not the least bit deductible.

- That should do it.
- Oh, good. Then we're finished.

No, not at all, not at all.

I have a feeling this is gonna be
a very long, drawn-out process.

We might have to go back
six or seven years, for all I know.

Anyway, it all gets very, very messy,
and I'm tired of talking about business.

Me too. I don't know
if I could take any more tonight.

Uh, I wonder if we could,
uh, grab a bite to eat?


I didn't say anything.

Yes, you did. You said something.
I just didn't hear it.

No. No, I didn't.

Well, I just wondered if,

well, if maybe
we could have dinner?

- Oh, well, thank you, but l...
- No. No. I know.

It's dumb of me.

I never asked anybody I was auditing
out to dinner anyway. I'm crazy.

Well, l... No, look, yes.
Yes, that would be nice.

I would like that.

Well, you know, uh, I'm auditing
this Chinese restaurant downtown.

And they... Well, they've got
just a terrific Sub Gum duck.

- It's wonderful,
if that appeals to you.
- Yes, it does.

Could I use your telephone
to make a reservation?

- Yes, you may. Sure.
- Thank you, thank you.

Oh, well, now here comes
another first.

Uh, I've really never asked this
of anybody I'm auditing before,
but I wonder if...

I don't get paid till tomorrow night.
Could you loan me ten dollars?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Is a bribe deductible?

It was a joke.

Murr, have you finished
my editorial analysis...

of the president's speech?

Oh, thanks, Murr.

Did I agree or disagree
with him this time?

Read it. Be surprised.

Oh, good, we agreed.
I like to agree with the president.

A lot of people
are afraid of controversy,
but I always say, "Take a stand."

- What the heck he talk about?
- Girl Scout Week.

- Good morning, everybody.
- [Both] Morning, Mary.

Oh, hey, what happened
with your tax audit last night?

- Nothing happened.
- Nothing happened?

Something always happens in a tax audit.
Now, come on. Tell us what happened.

Well, nothing happened.
He asked me a few questions,
and then he took me out to din-ner.

- Took you out to where?
- Dinner.

Dinner? I was audited once.
He didn't take me out to dinner.

Well, what happened after dinner, and
how much of a refund are you getting?

Look, I know this is gonna disappoint
you, but here's exactly what happened.

He took me out to a nice,
ethical Chinese restaurant,

where we had ethical
Sub Gum duck.

In between bites, he asked me
questions about my grandmother,
then he drove me home.

Yes, he opened the car door for me,
and that was it. Honest.

- Okay, Mary.
- [Laughs]

- Is this the newsroom?
- Uh, yeah, kid. I'll take those.

I'm sorry.
I don't have any change.

- Well, I do.
- Good.

Murr, were you expecting
roses from anyone?

- Not me. How about you, Ted?
- No.

- I wonder who they could be for.
- Why, they're for Mary.

Well, what do you know!

- Who's Robert C. Brand?
- Tax auditor.

A refund? So soon?

I lent him ten dollars,
and he's simply paying me back.

- Well, what are the roses for?
- Interest.

- Boy, am I stuffed.
- Me too.

That had to be the world's
largest chef's salad.

What did you expect?
Did you check the size of that chef?

I gotta get back to work.
I just came up here to check out...

what new loot you got
from old Robert C.

- Is this it?
- Yeah, it's a candy-gram.

He likes to send me presents,
but he doesn't do it unless
it's related to business.

How is a box of candy
related to business?

"Please bring last
October's check stubs."

Mushy, isn't he?

I don't know why I'm
putting this in my mouth.

I should just apply it
directly to my hips.

You know, he has been
taking me places...

and sending me presents
for over a week now.

I don't know what to say to him
to make him stop.

- How about "Stop"?
- Rhoda, I just explained to you...

through an entire chef's salad
that I can't do that.

It would hurt his feelings,
and I can't do that.

Mary, are you going out with him
because you like him,

or is it because you're afraid
if he doesn't like you...

he'll send you up the river
to the big house?

You know, it is
a really weird relationship.

- I don't even know
if we're going out on dates.
- Do you dress up?

- Yeah.
- Then it's a date.

But he calls me Miss Richards,
and we talk about withholding a lot.

- Then it's not a date.
It's just steady auditing.
- Yeah.

[Phone Ringing]

Newsroom. Yes, this is Miss Richards.
Well, hello, Mr. Brand.

"Miss Richards," "Mr. Brand."
I don't feel I should be hearing this.

Will you shut up? What?

Oh. Sure. Fine.
Yes, I'd like that.

All right.
I'll see you there. Bye.

- Rhoda, I just did the dumbest thing.
- What?

I just made a date to go right back
downstairs and have another lu-lunch.

[Phone Ringing]

Just a second. I'll see.

Is there
a Ronald C. Grant here?

No, that's Robert C. Brand.

- Phone.
- Thank you.

- Listen, don't talk too long.
This phone is for takeouts.
- I know.


Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Yes.

Well, no, I know that I'm still
working on the Mary Richards case.

I know I have other
cases to do. Yes.

Well, no, doggone it.

You'll just have to tell
U.S. Steel to wait.

Uh-huh. Well, uh, l...

Well, anyway, I should be finished
with Mary's case in about...

well, very, very soon.

Thank you very much.

Good-bye, Mr... Jackson.

Mr. Brand?

Hi, Miss Richards.
W- Would you like to sit down?

- Okay, you ready to order now?
- Yes.

Hi. Uh...

The special for today is the complete
89-cent filet mignon steak dinner.

- Do you know what you'd like?
- Well, I'm not terribly hungry.

- Why don't you just have a salad?
- Uh, well...

I'll have the special, and give
the young lady a chef's salad.

- Again?
- I eat here a lot.

I'll say.

Well, listen, while we're waiting,
we should get some business done,
all right?

Well, Mr. Brand, I don't think
anyone here would turn us in
if we didn't discuss business.

No, I think we should
do some business.

Well, we didn't do any business
when we went to the movie last night.

- Oh, yes, we did.
I'm auditing the usher there.
- Oh.

Now, Miss Richards, I'm sort of stumped
by this deduction here on Schedule "B."

I can't quite read your writing.
Is this a four or a nine?

I think it's a four.
Mr. Brand?

That was me, yes.

Oh, Miss Richards, I don't...

I don't know what
came over me, honestly!

I saw you leaning over Schedule "B"
like that, and I just...

I'm just such an animal.
I don't know.

I have never kissed anybody
I've audited before, I promise you.

- I've had plenty of chances... No! No!
- Mr. Brand. Robert.

- I know what you must think of me.
- No, you don't know.

No, l...
I feel so cheap.

Mr. Brand, there is no reason
for you to feel guilty.

- It was okay.
- J-Just okay?

Well, it was nice okay.

Miss Richards...

under "charitable deductions,"
you have an item about...

[Clears Throat]
about ice cream bars.

Mr. Brand, we've covered
the ice cream bars.

Of course. Okay. Oh, now, here,
this under "grandmother deduction."

Mr. Brand, we have covered
everything there is to be covered.

Did we really?
[Nervous Chuckle]

Amazing. Seven years,
just like that.

Does that mean that you're
finished with the audit?

Yes, it's finished.

Do-Do you have any idea
how much it will be?

No, I have no idea,
but I'd like you to know...

the fact that I kissed you,
or didn't kiss you,

has no bearing whatsoever
on how much you owe, you know?

I understand.

That's for the gentleman,
and, uh, the usual for the lady.

Where do you put it, honey?

- [Knock At Door]
- [Rhoda] Mary, you home?

Yeah. Come on in.

- What are you doing?
- Going through my checkbook,
looking for mistakes.

Isn't it a little late for that?
I thought he finished your audit.

I'm trying to find some extra money.
I have a feeling I'm gonna owe it.

- What makes you think that?
- Well, for one thing, I haven't
heard from Robert in a week.

- Now, you know
that's gotta be a bad sign.
- Not even a candy bar, huh?

You know the funny thing?
I really... I kind of miss him.

Look, it can't be that bad.
I mean, he kissed you, didn't he?

Yeah, but he said the fact
that he kissed me...

would have
absolutely no bearing on whether
I owed the government money or not.

- Anyway, he missed.
- He missed?

Well, he just
sort of grazed me.

- Grazed you?
- Yeah, a couple of times.

Whatever you say, Mar.
See you later.

- Great.
- Hi there!

- Did you find any of that
extra money yet?
- No.

Too bad.

Mr. Brand, you're here! I, uh...
I thought you'd come in the mail.

I mean that it
would come in the mail.

Well, please,
come in and sit down.

Well, actually,
this won't take that long.

Well, do you mind
if I sit down?

The, uh... The amount
you owe is on the inside.

Please make the check out
to Internal Revenue Service...

and mail it to your nearest
district office.

Eight thousand dollars?

Eight thousand dollars!

Oh, no, no!
You don't understand.

- That's your entire income
for last year.
- Oh, thank you.

No, no. This is
what you owe right here.

- I can't see it. Where?
- Right here.

Sixteen dollars.

And 73 cents.

- Oh!
- You don't have it, do you?

- I'll loan it to you.
I'll give it to you.
- Oh, no!

I'm just so very grateful.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh, you didn't cheat?

No. No, ma'am.
I would never cheat, ever, ever.

I, uh... Well,
I thought about it for a second,
but I would never cheat, really.

Well, I just want you to know that
I'm, uh, I'm really very happy for you.

You know, your face
doesn't look happy for me.

Oh, really? Huh.
That's funny.

'Cause it's really very,
very happy for you, really.

In fact, my, uh, my entire
body is very pleased.

Uh, you know, in the, uh...

in the six and a half years
I've been auditing people's taxes,

I'd just like you to know
that yours is the best.

- Really.
- Thank you.

I've enjoyed doing you more than
anybody I've, I've ever done before.

You know, that kiss in the restaurant...

That was no accident.
I mean, you knew that, didn't you?

- Well...
- We really had some
great times, didn't we?

- The ice cream sticks.
Remember the ice cream sticks?
- Yes.

- And your deductible grandmother.
Remember her?
- Yes.

- And your deductible grandmother.
Remember her?
- Yes.

We really had some great times,
didn't we? [Chuckles, Mutters]

- So, why are you so...
- So what?

- So what?
So-So tremendously depressed?
- Yeah.

The good times are over.
Th-That's all.

- They don't have to be over.
- They don't have to be over. Come on.

Please, Mary, don't kid me,
all right?

I've been in this business
for a very long time.

I know that when I'm auditing people,
they're just never too busy to see me.

And the minute it's over,
[Snaps Fingers] it's over.

So, please, you don't have
to pretend, Miss Richards.

- You don't have to pretend.
- Pretend! I didn't pretend!

I did not go out with you
because of my taxes.

I mean, look, the audit is over, and
I would still like to go out with you.

So, Robert, I, I must like you.

All right,
how about dinner tonight?

- Fine!
- Fabulous! Okay.

Well, I can't because
I gotta work tonight.

All right, no.
You know what I'm gonna do?

I am gonna quit. That's what I'll do.
I'll quit it all, and...

No, I won't.
I'll tell you what I'll do.

I've said it before,
and I'll say it again.

U.S. Steel can just... just wait.

- We have a date tonight, right?
- Yes, we do.

All right.

I'll pick you up at 8:57.

Oh, make it, uh, nine-ish.

- [Laughing]
- I really had a good time.
I really did.

- Oh, I did too.
- Yeah? How much of a good time?

- What?
- I mean enough to go out
next Saturday night?

Oh, yeah. Great.
I would like to.

Wait a minute. You know that
I can't go out next Saturday night?

- No, I have to go out of town.
- Ohh.

- Well, we'll do it when you get back.
- All right.

I'm gonna be back and forth a lot.
I'm going to Boston, Philadelphia, L.A.,

- St. Louis, Detroit.
- Gee, that's some big company
you're auditing.

No, it's a halfback on the Vikings.

How about...
How about the third?

Third? Uh, yeah, fine.

Okay. Good. How about...