Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 2, Episode 3 - H.P. Lovecraft's Vagina - full transcript

In a classic Battle of the Sexes, Victor and Elizabeth decide to switch roles in order to prove the inferiority of each others gender.

[thunder claps]
Elizabeth, behold!
My greatest creation yet!
I have taken ten dead cats, and resurrected them to create...
Ooh hoo, isn't he adorable?
Ugh. Victor, you really put the "orrible" in "adorable."
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
But seriously, you are really spending far too much time in that lab, and not enough around my vagina.
Oh, is your little vagina feeling neglected? Here, let me help!
Hi, Mr. Vagina! Put her there, pal. Long time, no see, old man! (chuckles)
Nyuk, nyuk, as you say.
Well I've had enough of this. I want to have another baby.
For goodness sakes, Elizabeth, I don't have time to have a baby with you.
I'm creating life!
Ha. That's not life. Women create life, and we do it naturally.
Naturally? With Mr. Vagina over there? Why, he doesn't even make sparks!
Nyuk, nyuk!
Sparks aren't everything!
Yes, they are. They're literally everything!
You think it's so easy for a man to create whatever, you go make a baby without a woman's vagina.
I will! And if you think it's so easy making monsters, then you go make one without having
a raving mad brain!
I will!
[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: theme song]
♫ Beyond space and time ♫
♫ stranger than the soul ♫
♫ is the world ♫
♫ deep inside the Frankenhole ♫
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ give up all control ♫
♫ take my hand, ♫
♫ we're going down the Frankenhole ♫
[thunder claps]
There, that should've loosened it. Now pull it out!
Are you sure? How will you know you're not aroused if you don't have a penis?
Nyuk, nyuk, Polidori. You know I'm never aroused. Now pull!
(straining) It's fighting me!
(scoffs) Come on Polly Dolly! Lift with your legs, man!
My legs are my own affair! (straining)
There. Now take good care of it.
Oh, don't worry about that...
[thunder claps]
Do you think he'll like me when he's all sewn together?
Well he should, I gave him the brain of a puppy!
Next, we just sew your everyday household fork to Mr. Hideous, right about there.
Shove it in the toaster, pull down that old lever,
then, presto! [electrical zaps]
Oh, no! No no no no!
Oh, it's ruined!
Is it ready? Is it ready?
I-I think that piece might still be good-
[thunder claps]
No, more to the left... It's not quite centered...
T-there! Y-y-yeah!
[clang, clang]
There. It's done.
Igor! Bring me the mirror!
Behold, the first fully functioning male vagina!
[angelic choir]
Good evening, sorry I'm late!
How's monster making treating ya?
Just fine, thank you.
What's wrong with you?
Nothing. Notice anything different?
Hmm... Haircut?
Um... Oh! You shaved your beard!
(sing-song) Never had a beard!
I've got it! You're wearing glasses!
I am not wearing glasses! I have a vagina!
Oh... (chuckles)
Uh-huh. Who's the highly evolved species now?
Oh my god...
I love it!
Love it? No! Y-you're supposed to hate it! We're in a battle of the sexes!
Oh pooh, battles are for men. Sit down, we have to chat!
Men are so clueless, aren't they? So goal oriented.
Well... yeah?
Oh, I knew you'd agree!
Let's go shopping. We're going to be such good friends!
Oh, isn't this just the best way to spend the day?
Um... yeah, but I think I should get back to work...
Heh heh, Victor. Wow, hi.
Ooh! Jekyll, hi. Ah, Elizabeth was just joking around-
No, no, you look quite fetching in that hat!
You know what? Double date. Check it out.
Elizabeth, I got just the guy for you.
(struggles, distorted growls)
I love your breasts, love women, I love chicks!
How about you two coming back to our place?
Not with you!
Come, Victor, we're late to meet the girls.
The girls?
Oh, yoo-hoo! We're here!
Hi, boys.
Ooh, what do we have?
They're here to balance out the sausage party, heh!
Um, what does everyone want to drink?
Oh, don't worry about that! Stay here and flirt awhile!
Uh, yeah, yeah! In a sec. I'm just, uh, going to go say hi to a friend.
Hi, Joe.
Well, what we got here? Victor Frankenstein, looking good!
Oh, Joe, I feel awful.
You see, I gave myself a vagina
to prove to Elizabeth that women are worthless, and that men can do everything.
But now, eh, she's just made me one of the girls!
Aw no, you're not just one of the girls. You're a special woman, man!
Heh. Thank you, Joe.
You're the real deal, baby!
Now come on, let me buy ya a little drinky.
Ooh! (chuckles) Okay!
No, no, drinks are on me!
Me, me! I've got this one!
Get in line, boys!
Me! No, no, his drinks are on me!
Wow! I've never felt so powerful in all my life!
Yeah, I got tons of irons on the fire.
You know, I'm biting necks, I'm enslaving werewolves, running away scared from vampire hunters...
You know. When it rain, it pours! Heh heh heh.
That slut.
Slut? Where? Gimme gimme!
Ooh hoo hoo hoo! Fellas, please!
Oh, you're just being so bad! I'm getting so drunk!
(scoffs) What?
Dracula, come back!
I mean, I have no control over what I'll do next!
Stand aside, losers. The Prince of tall, darkness, and handsome is here.
Oh, Dracula. Heh heh, I never.
No you never, but you will tonight!
In my pants!
Ha ha... But I simply have nothing to wear!
Fear not, I've got a plastic!
(giggles) (scoffs)
Tell me about it. Brah's bogarting the choicest muff.
Mmmm mmm, this caviar is expensively divine!
Watch it! Don't spill any on your new...
$12,000 fur coat!
What, this old thing? Already sick of it.
(sing-song) More caviar!
Mmm, keep it coming!
Market price?
Yeesh Louise!
So, how bout I just, eh, come in for a second?
Oh, no, you! Not tonight.
Ugh, I have such a headache.
So, eh, nothing tonight?
Ooh, I wish! I wish, I wish, I wish!
Darn you, God! Why a headache, tonight?
Okay, so... maybe tomorrow?
Definitely tomorrow! (gasps) Dinner first?
Oh, yeah!
Great! Bye bye! Thanks for giving me the Corvette!
No prob. I, uh, walk home.
Aha ha ha! What a sap!
Well, how was your night with Dracula?
Ahh... Just amazing...
Oh, it gives me goose pimples. So powerful!
Powerful? Really, Victor, he's just a man.
Man? Ha. I'm not talking about men here, Elizabeth.
It's women who are the more powerful of the two sexes.
I mean, despite the obviously superior intellect of men,
everything a man does with that intellect is because of women's vaginas!
And now, I've got the advantage of having both those powers!
I need more. More, more!
Ha! If you're so powerful, why didn't you even do what you set out to do?
Create a life.
Ew, but that would mean letting a man enter me. And then, I'd lose all my power!
Victor! You're not thinking of-
Yes! There's only one penis that I'd ever allow to enter this vagina,
and it's my own! Who better to plant the semen than myself!
Think of the ultimate potency that will give me!
Why, I'll be the mother, and the father! I'll be omnipotent!
Not if I screw you first with your penis!
You wouldn't!
Oh, wouldn't I?
Suck on this lamp! Oof!
(grunts) Aah! Not the face! Aah!
Ow, my hair! Ouch!
Look, obviously I love you.
I mean, you're really hot.
You turn me on so much. But I don't want to look at you just sexually anymore.
I have too much respect for you. You can understand that.
Oh, dash it all, let's elope!
What's going on here?
(high-pitched) Aaaaaah!
Give me that jar, Polidori!
Stay away from your penis!
No, Polidori, that's rightfully mine!
Oh, lord, I'm going to faint.
Get away, Elizabeth! You're raving!
I'm raving? You want to penetrate yourself!
(gasps) You're both mad!
No, don't, you'll hurt him! (struggling)
(slow motion) Nooooo!
Stand back, I'm a genius, I can salvage it!
(sighs) Igor.
Fetch me the jumbo litter box, and a bottle of tuna flavored laxatives.
(giggles) You got it!
And a box of tampons, please.
(giggles) You got it!
[MUSIC: "Pluto]
♫ Without you, my friend, ♫
♫ our solar system feels small ♫
♫ So sad to see you gone ♫
♫ I won't forget you ♫
(sobs quietly)