Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 2, Episode 2 - Robert Louis Stevenson's Belushi - full transcript

[honking]
Cars. Confound these modern contraptions!
Yes, but darling, couldn't you speed up just a teensy bit more?
I'm hungry.
Hungry enough for hospital food? Hmm?
(sing-song) Because that's what we'll be eating if I try something dangerous!
Like accelerating!
But we've been on our way to dinner for weeks now!
[zoom]
[brakes squeal]
Careful, you reckless hooligan!
Aha ha ha ha ha! I had a feeling it was you
driving this lame jalopy, Victor Frankenstein!
That, or my deaf, blind, old grandmama! Ha ha ha!
And she's dead! Ha ha!
Like doorknob.
Hey, baby, why don't you come take a ride in a man's car sometime?
[revs engine]
(bats chitter)
Mmm...
Oh, please...
Yeah, I just tuned this baby up for the big Monster Rally.
Humph! That stupid race.
Oh, I don't know... I think racers are kind of... sexy.
What? Everyone knows there's nothing sexier than a scientist!
Hey, little chicky-chicken, want some food here? I give you a little corn.
Um... You little chicken!
No thank you? Come here, chick-chick!
Is this a chicken thing? Here, chick-chick!
A-are you calling me a chicken?
I-I seriously can't tell. Cheep cheep cheep!
You're right actually, he is a chicken.
(clucks)
That guy really roasts my ass!
Mmm... Roast chicken...
Why are you looking at me that way?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
[bats chitter]
Ooh... so powerful...
Fine, I'll enter the stupid race, and win!
I'll prove to you, and the world, how sexy I r-r-r-really am!
[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: theme song]
(howls)
♫ Beyond space and time ♫
♫ stranger than the soul ♫
♫ is the world ♫
♫ deep inside the Frankenhole ♫
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ give up all control ♫
♫ take my hand, ♫
♫ we're going down the Frankenhole ♫
This is former Howard Cosell.
Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to this year's Monster Rally.
Here to go over the rules, please give a warm welcome to Larry Bird.
Thank you. Men, you know me from my prowess on the basketball court.
But ladies, you probably know me better from my famous pickup line,
"Hi, I'm Larry Bird! Wanna do me?"
Move it along, Larry.
Yeah. Uh, well, now it's time to explain the rules of the race.
This will be a race through time and space.
For every single year, you must drive a lap
around the Earth, beginning in the Phanerozoic Eon,
and you will finish right back here in this spot,
hundreds and thousands of years later,
here in the present day, 3032 A.D.
(sigh) I-It's my weekend with the kids.
Ow, ow, oof.
[awooga!]
I'll show you sexy...
Hey, what do you think of my Sarcopha-bus?
I'd tell you a little bit more about it,
but I'm all wrapped up right now! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Ho ho ho ho! Ra is pleased by this!
Oh, boy...
Victor, this is my Sun God, Ra. He's my co-pilot, see?
I'd tell you a little bit more about Ra,
but I'm all wrapped up right now,
nyuk nyuk nyuk! Ho ho ho!
You honor Ra!
Oh, Victor! You showed!
Now my triumph will taste doubly sweet, paired with your defeat!
Right, Dom DeLuise?
Your defeat? You should see the de-feet at the end of my de-legs!
Especially after a pedophile!
(wheezes, laughs) It's not- It's pedicure!
Don't hit me! I swear to god I can get it right!
Are we still rolling?
Your defeat? You should see the de-feet at the end of my de-longs!
I don't- What's a de-long?
(laughs) If I could die, I would kill myself!
Your defeat? You should see the de-feet at the end of my de-legs!
Especially after a pedicure! (giggles)
Nice pun. I'm also really wrapped up in the whole pun thing, too.
Nyuk nyuk! Ho ho ho!
You honor Ra, again!
This race can't start fast enough.
Drivers, start your engines!
Victor! Yoo-hoo!
Elizabeth, get off the track!
No, you silly goose! I'm coming with you!
And they're off!
Drive it like you stole it!
This isn't a Beverly Hills shopping spree, you know!
Go!
Don't backseat drive!
Eat my motor dust!
Ha ha! I've got you all licked!
Dear lord, no! A full moon!
And The Wolfman has transformed into a wolf!
And the Wolfmobile has transformed into a washing machine, for some reason!
Speed it up! Faster! Look, even the animals are evolving faster than you're driving!
Since when do you know so much about racing, Tommy?
Why are you calling me Tommy?
Y-you know, racer, Andretti.
It's Mario Andretti.
Oh, is that right?
Well, since you know so much about racing, Ms. Mr. Mario Andretti,
maybe you should just take the wheel and show me how it's done!
I think that's a great idea!
I'll show you how a man races...
[revs engine]
Isn't it sexy how I'm letting you win the race for me?
Do you see where your energy-guzzling hot-rodding has gotten us?
Out of gas.
We're in a race!
Oh, will you shut up with that?
Your whining has cast a black cloud over this entire trip.
How about some appreciation for a husband who can get you some gas
when there isn't a service station for the next hundred million years?
Don't just fold your arms. I want you to get turned on, the way you do with Dracula!
Oh, you know I'm always... turned on by you...
Well, let's check.
Ooh! Ah-
Ah ha, I knew it! Dry as a bone...
(roars)
(whistles)
Finally!
[tires screech]
Oh, good heavens!
Ah, I knew it must have been Elizabeth in the driver's seat, when I noticed the driving became manlier!
Ha ha ha ha!
I don't need her to win this race!
Oh, is that right?
How about hopping in here with us, sweetcakes?
[revs engine] (bats chitter)
(gasps) Ah-
Trollop.
Maybe I will, since you don't need me.
[revs engine] Ha ha ha ha ha!
That's it. I'll show them fast car driving!
This is... kinda fun!
[revs engine] Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Why are you stopping?
Eh, we so far ahead, I thought maybe we stop here in 13th century Manhattan, and see some sights.
Oh, look! Is Empire State Building when was just a little baby!
That's so adorable!
Ooh, look! There's an itsy bitsy King Kong on top!
Beep boop bop, boop beep!
Ninja attack!
(gasps) V-Victor?
Okay, it's on, tricky bitches!
[vroom]
(grumbling) [MUSIC: Kazoo]
(screaming)
[blowing whistle]
Ooh!
[tires spinning]
(screams)
[boom]
And they're back! It's Dracula and Victor Frankenstein in a dead heat for the finish line!
But wait, what's Dracula's team doing?
Ho ho! Trying to trip me up with these- (gulp) hot dogs, eh, Dracula?
Well- (gulp) little do you know that hot dogs- (gulp)
are- (gulp) my- (gulp) favorite food!
(smooch)
And it's Victor Frankenstein, first across the finish line!
Thank you-
Oho! And look who is too sheepish to congratulate me!
Fleeing from me in shame, Ha ha ha ha!
He's not fleeing from you in shame, Victor, he's running in the foot race.
Foot... race?
Foot race!
[MUSIC: gentle vocals]
Ha ha, well, Howard, it was a tough race, but-
You're supposed to be eating, you fool.
Ah ha, yes, well, it's a beautiful victory feast, but after all those hot dogs-
But this is the final leg of the rally, the eating contest.
Eating contest?
Oh my god. Those hot dogs! I can't eat another bite!
But I know someone who can! Behold!
My secret weapon! (chuckles)
What to do? I can't out-eat that guy!
Think! Think!
(gasps)
Beverly Hills Ninja - Black Sheep - Tommy Boy
Wait a minute! I got it! The answer!
It was right there all along!
Chris Farley!
(sniffs) Food!
And now we've got an eating contest!
Look at those little monkeys chew and swallow!
[applause, cheers]
Unbelievable.
Chris is actually ordering more food!
Eat, monkey, eat!
And The Fly has just come in, and vomited on his own food.
And Farley mimics The Fly!
[vomits]
[crunch] And Farley eats The Fly, and takes the lead!
[cheers, applause] Look at me go, I'm winning the rally!
Come on DeLuise, vomit like the other guy!
(gagging)
It's no use, I could never throw up.
My dumb fat body just refuses to let food go bye-bye. I can't even make a poopy!
[airhorn]
Ladies and gentlemen, the champion of the Monster Rally is...
Victor Frankenstein!
[cheers, applause]
Ha ha ha ha! I won!
Ooh, I love you, Victor Frankenstein.
(gasps)
Hmm hmm hmm!
[MUSIC: "Everyday"]
♫ I know you ♫
♫ quite well ♫
♫ It's time we said ♫
♫ farewell ♫
♫ On Sunday, ♫
♫ I'll break the news ♫
♫ This time for sure, I'm done with you ♫
♫ Everyday ♫