Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 2, Episode 4 - Bram Stoker's Loud Mouths! - full transcript

Victor is tired of Vampires being disruptive in movie theaters and hatches a plan to end their reign of terror once and for all.

Live! At the Scarriott Convention Center!
The great John Belushi!
Just one performance! So hurry!
Listen to me! Tickets will not last!
All you people drive me crazy!
A Duvet Braheemson production. My bad!
My bad.
I like the catchphrase, boss.
Why are you even still here, McMann?
[punching] I thought I told you to pick up Belushi.
Yes, sir.
Oof. Ugh...
Uh, Mr. Belushi!
Hee hee hee! You're so great!
[motorcycle buzzing]
(hiccups, smacks lips)
[distant rock music]
Oh, Mr. Belushi!
[tires skid] What are you doing?
What the-
(chomps, chews)
(spits food)
John Belushi! Man, you're great! Do that eyebrow thing!
(cheering) He's my favorite from SNL!
[glass breaks]
(making out)
Ha ha ha! I love this charismatic, fun-loving dude!
Dracula, I suppose I hate you more than anything else in this world.
But for once, we agree on something!
This guy's the real deal, Lucille!
Yay, we love his pee!
Brahs, this is not all good. He's gonna kill himself!
That is a lot of... everything...
He's making me a little nervous...
McMann, you know the show's sold out!
If he keeps this up, he's gonna Elvis Presley, Mamma Cass, and Sid Vicious himself all at once!
Then I'm gonna O.J. Simpson you, right before I Kurt Cobain myself!
B-b-but he won't listen to me, sir! He's out of control!
Only one thing to do. We're gonna have to take him to Frankenstein's place...
and Lindsay Lohan him.
[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: theme song]
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ give up all control ♫
♫ take my hand, ♫
♫ we're going down the Frankenhole ♫
[thunder claps]
Ha, you see? I told you there's a little thingy inside.
(giggling) Dr. Henry Jekyll to see you.
Oh, great.
Hey, Victor! I know, it's me, it's the annoying guy.
It's a bad time. I'm in the middle of a thing.
Just- can you just- I-I'm really, really, really excited about this one.
And, um, y'know, i-it's more transformative, I mean that's- that's my wheelhouse!
Tell me all about it.
This is a revolutionary new serum-
It makes a human into the worst version of its true self.
What's it called, "marriage?"
Y'know, there's a lot of people w-who would say,
[high five]
that digging up bodies and sewing them together is low-hanging fruit.
Why would I take you seriously?
You start off as a doctor, you take a serum, you become "Mr. So-and-So."
I mean, how do you take notes?
I-I-I-I observe from within!
From within?
Is this a competition? Is science a competition?
I have-
Anybody? Igor?
Okay look, obviously, you're the more respected person,
you've developed time travel, you've got cadavers walking around-
Ooh, thank you, thank you.
I can see you're in one of your moods,
and, uh, I know I'm about to get my feelings hurt pretty soon,
I will leave a sample here-
H-here's the deal.
No one wants to become their own monster, you idiot.
(struggling) I really d-don't like it when you i-impugn my intelligence, okay?
You're an idiot, that's why.
(struggling) Okay, I-I probably told you this before, I don't like it when people
(distorting) call me an idiot...
(distorted growling) Here- here we go! Here we go everybody!
Look at you.
(distorted growling) (chuckling) You can't even control it!
(distorted growling) And it's you!
Write down some notes, if you would.
Day 3...
Oh, here we go.
Uh..... monster.
Wait- y-you drew a picture of a tree.
Just, hold on a second! Here's the thing.
I'm not listening until you turn back into a doctor again.
I-I-I-I hate you!
I'm going to escort you to the door...
I know how to say it with...
T-that will do sir, thank you!
Doc, brah, help!
Oh, you. What do you want-
Oh my God! John Belushi!
I'm his biggest fan!
Doc, this duder's way outta control.
He like, scarfs, guzzles, tokes, shoots, snorts, and bogarts everything he sees!
But that's what makes him so much fun!
Yeah, but he's gonna end up like Farley, brah!
(hiccups) And before the show! You gotta help.
Hmm. I do want to see that show.
Alright! I'll fix him so he can consume as much as he wants, without harming himself!
Rad! Doc, you are totally saving my sweet, tight little ass, heh.
Excuse me while I get a few things.
(sing-song) Now don't let him drink that serum!
You're in good hands, Brolissimo!
(distorted moans)
Hello, handsome.
Jim Belushi?
[musical sting]
In the flesharoo, kangaroo. Heh heh heh...
That's not funny...
You're telling me what's funny, bucko?
No! I'm telling you what's not! And it's you!
What have you done with John?
[musical sting] No...
Damn it, John!
I'm outta here. Gotta go find the nearest House of Blues.
♫ Ba na na na, I'm outta here ♫
♫ Ba na na na, gotta find the ♫
♫ Ba na na na, nearest House of ♫
♫ Ba na na, Blu-u-u-u-ues! ♫
[thunder claps]
(gasps) Oh my God!
(gasping) Oh my God...
Better than God. Jim Belushi.
Let the par-tay be-gain!
That... doesn't... rhyme! Aaaaarrgh!
I couldn't help but notice that like myself, (sniffs) people run screaming at the very sight of you.
[zips] I'm like The Beatles.
[urinating] Ah... that's good... up to the tippy top...
There is a lavatory in the back, you know...
Nah, too far.
(sniffs) Plus, I get to grab a snort of the ol' essence.
(groaning) Disgusting! We hate his pee!
Hey, who's the fire bush?
She is involved with Vampire Gandhi.
Gandhi? (blows raspberry)
Hey. How 'bout screwing a Belushi?
Ugh! (scoffs)
Gross! You brute!
Check out this move.
(straining) Hey, what's my eyebrow doing?
Alright. How 'bout now?
You're anti-charming.
Hey! Don't ever s- (gurgling)
Oh... Ah... I think I need to... crack one off... (gurgling)
(distorted) Noooooo!
Unfortunately John, you ingested one of the stupidest potions in monster history.
A potion so goofy that it makes you, get this, a hideous version of yourself.
(gasps) Jim...
That's right. The worst Belushi.
Will he be back?
Hopefully not. In the meantime, let's go to my lab and make you indestructible!
And then... we'll party our asses off!
[thunder claps]
(gulps) See? He can go for days, and not harm himself at all.
Ah brah, you totally saved the day's hot, sweet little ass.
Yeah, he's great, but as for me, I'm all wrapped up right now, nyuk nyuk nyuk!
(scoffs) He's always doing that stale pun.
That's what I get for being all wrapped up!
Good heavens!
This Mummy's hackneyed material has triggered the Jim Belushi in John Belushi!
What's wrong with John?
Ha ha, ha ha ha...
I think he, uh, um, got some baby laxative mixed up with his blow... heh heh.
Ride 'em, cowboy!
What cowboy?
Is that a joke?
Uh, the cowboy in your pants!
♫ Da now now now, cigars and pee jars ♫
♫ Sweet home Chicago, dow na now now ♫
[door closes]
Now you've done it, you've driven everyone out!
Except this moron.
I must find a way to bring John back.
Do not say that name around me!
He's gone now, and he's never coming back!
In fact, I got an idea. Heh.
Come on Mummy, we're gonna do the the best blues show ever!
I can really wrap myself up in that role!
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! (chuckles)
Whoo! We want John! (cheering)
John's gonna be so good. (cheering)
John! (cheering)
Food fight! (cheering)
♫ Yeah, we got the blues ♫
♫ the blues, the blues ♫
We want John!
We hate this pee!
Aw, thank you.
And now, a quick scene from The Blues Brothers.
And as a gift to John Belushi, I'm gonna do it how I woulda done it.
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a trunk full of urine jars, and I'm all wrapped up in this!
Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Hit it!
Get off that damn stage!
We want the one with the charm!
Where is that idiot, Jekyll?
Victor! Here's the antidote!
That's cocaine.
I know. It'll bring him back out. And he should only do a little bit.
That's so stupid!
No one does a little bit of coke!
Besides, I made him strong enough to do the coke of 10 John Belushis.
Yeah, but I made the coke strong enough for 11 John Belushis.
(struggling, distorted growling)
(sing song) Oh, John!
Don't mention that name!
Look, I have an eight ball!
(sing song) Ooh hoo hoo!
No, it'll bring him back! I'm the funny one!
(distorted) Nooooooo!
It was John all along?
How could Jim Belushi have anything to do with John Belushi?
I don't believe this!
John! You're back!
Oh, thank God!
Urgh, son of a-
No- (cheering)
Uh oh- (booing)
No w- (cheering)
(alternate boos and cheers)
Hooray, I love it! [snorts]
No! Only a little! That coke's too strong!
I don't care! I must die. Jim Belushi must not come back.
No! We love you! [snorts]
I must kill him! [snorts]
Don't go! We can help-
Holy crap, I gotta get outta here! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
We loved you, John.
But at least... in the end, you died nobly.
Trying to protect the world from the terrorizing mediocrity of your hideously untalented lesser self!
(inhales) Call Chateau Marmont, tell them we have to dump another body.
[tense ambiance]
I'm free.
Heh heh... I'm free!
(chuckles wickedly)