Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 1, Episode 5 - Attack of the Were-Lawrence - full transcript

Jefferson! Aren't you done writing the Declaration of Independence yet?
Calm down, Hancock. I'm stuck on this whole, "all men are created equal" thing.
It just doesn't ring true.
Why? What's wrong with it?
Well, I own slaves.
Oh, I see. A moral dilemma.
Yes. How can all men be created equal when these Black men have penises twice the size of mine?
I'm gonna take a break for a bit, John. I've got an errand to run.
Well, can I just sign it now? I'm chomping at the bit here!
Okay, but write small. I'm not finished yet.
Thanks, buddy! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy...
[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: theme song]
♫ Beyond space and time ♫
♫ stranger than the soul ♫
♫ is the world ♫
♫ deep inside the Frankenhole ♫
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ give up all control ♫
♫ take my hand, ♫
♫ we're going down the Frankenhole ♫
[thunder claps]
Thomas Jefferson, Baron Frankenstein.
Not now! I am re-animating this freshly fed, freshly dead snake.
It choked, poor thing.
[powering up]
[powering down]
What do you mean? Look, it's moving.
No, you look.
But, but, but, but...
But what?
[shoots pistol]
Oh well.
Anyway, Mr. Jefferson, what brings you here to Somewhere in Eastern Europe?
I want to alter my, um, John Adams.
Terrific. Another pervert.
What about something more challenging, like, legs on your eyes, or a feathered brain, or something.
Not sure that stuff is big with the ladies.
Fine, we'll make your penis bigger.
Hop up.
Actually, I don't want my penis bigger per se, I want it replaced entirely with that of a Negro's.
Well it's not an eyeball with feathers, but it's interesting.
You see, I've noticed that when I force myself on my slave women, they look a little, well, unexcited.
Mmm, curious.
I think that perhaps the color, and, okay, size of my member may not be what they're used to.
Oh please Frankenstein, help me satisfy my slaves!
Alright, well, (sighs) let's see.
I want the biggest and the blackest!
How about him?
The inventor of peanut butter?
Not the most virile of occupations.
How about this fellow, P. Diddy?
P. Diddy? At school, that was the very word we used for tiny penis. Next, please.
Okay, um... How about him?
Wilt Chamberlain?
Well, the name "Wilt" doesn't exactly inspire confidence, does it?
Yes, but look at his feet. They're huge!
Please. The relationship of the foot and the penis are completely inconsequential.
Doubt that. But anyway, Chamberlain's not even an indigenous name.
We need to find someone fresh from deepest, darkest Africa,
with a name like "M'bagwa," or, "Gabagablablah," or...
Bar-r-r-rack Obama.
Perfect! Ha ha. That one probably can't even speak English. Where is he?
America, 2009.
And I think you'll be surprised at his occupation.
In 2009? Who cares. He's probably a space gardener, or some robot's butler or something.
As long as everything's big and black downstairs, I'm happy.
Let's go then. Igor, pack our bags for 2009!
I was just getting to it.
[thunder claps]
Lovely place.
Thank you.
[toilet flushes]
That was... I mean it just... It just swirled away!
Bloop! Gone! No fuss, no muss, no calling for the poop slave, bloop!
Mr. Jefferson, may I introduce Barack-
Hey, looks like you're out of a job! Heh heh heh.
My poop went away all by itself. Carried out of the house! Woosh!
Mr. Jefferson. May I introduce your country's 44th President.
Well, what an honor to-
Right here, sir.
Of the United States?
Of America?
On Earth?
Yes. Look, I agreed to see you as soon as I learned of your problem.
Oh, yes of course. Well I'm glad we-
I can help you finish the Constitution.
The what-sti who-tion?
The Constitution, sir. Don't worry, I've got it committed to memory.
Oh yes, of course. Um, let's see, I was stuck on the opening.
Um, "We the blah-de-blahs..."
"People," sir. "We the people."
Ah, yes. Perfect. Nicely done. Thanks.
Well, if that's all, I guess you'll be on your way then.
Yes. Goodbye!
Ahem! Penis.
Oh, actually, there is one more little thing.
Yes sir?
I um, need your, ah...
Mr. Jefferson needs to graft your penis onto his body
so he can better satisfy the Black women on his plantation.
Your slaves, you mean?
Hmm... Okay, I'll do it.
You will?
Yes. See, you're a founding father.
All sides must come together and set aside their differences, if we're ever going to get anything done.
Or this pivotal stage in America history-
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Are you big and black?
Well, no one's ever complained about my size,
but I must use full disclosure. My mother was white.
Well, that makes perfect sense, your mother was white. I don't-
(gasps) Your MOTHER was white?
How did that happen?
It was consensual, sir.
Let's go get Wilt Chamberlain. I've been reading about him, I think he's perfect.
Yes, let's go to the LA Forum in 1973 and catch us this... basketeer.
Wilt Chamberlain?
[buzzer sounds]
Oh ho, I'm like a kid in a candy store!
Keep it in your pants.
How can I keep it in my pants, when it's not even in my pants yet?
Ha ha!
Look, there he is!
Wilt Chamberlain. This impressive specimen
has once again thrust his athletic prowess
into the wet, warm walls of victory.
How do you do it, Wilt?
It's just confidence, Howard.
I've been secure with my manhood in every way.
[thunder claps]
Okay, let's see Wilt's stilt.
[slide whistle]
[womp womp womp...]
Who could know? He's got such big feet.
I told you guys!
Sorry about this, everybody.
You should be ashamed, sir!
You guys should try Gary Coleman.
Believe me.
Coleman? I'm on it.
[thunder claps]
Thanks for the penis.
What you implying?
[applause, cheers]
[powering up]
It's moving... it's moving... It's alive... Alive!
[thunder claps]
Must you always do that?
Yeah, but it's funny this time, because it's his pee pee.
[boink] (chuckles)
♫ Oh zip a dee doo, and diddily dock, ♫
♫ I got a hot, hot date, and a new black- ♫
Oh, here he come.
Good evening.
I'm telling you, this thing is a dud! They still act like they're not into it!
Mr. Jefferson, perhaps it isn't the penis.
Perhaps you need additional Black attributes to compliment the penis.
Yeah, like two penises!
No. Look, race is more than just a penis or two.
Three penises!
No! Get past the penises.
I think I know what President Obama's saying.
We need to dissect different specific features from several Black men,
and make you into a Black equivalent of my multi-cadavered creature!
Four penises!
Wait. Maybe if you tried a little respect-
Igor! Follow me!
We have some inter-chronological kidnapping to do!
You got it!
[thunder claps]
I give you, the Brother of Frankenstein!
Oh boy! The hands of O.J., the heart of Frederick Douglass,
(as Barry White) the voice of Barry White,
I can't fail!
Look, I-I-I-I really think you're going down the wrong road here.
Oh, what do you know, Half-Black?
Mr. Obama's right.
Huh, great. One guy agrees with me, and it has to be Ike Turner.
See, you got it in your head the way to please a woman is to show her how much you want to please her.
And my brother, nothing could be further from the truth.
I don't think I follow.
It's like this.
♫ [MUSIC: Never Let A Lady Think You Care] ♫
♫ You've go to never let a lady think you care ♫
♫ you'll never win her fancy playing suave and debonair. ♫
♫ Throw away your cards and flowers ♫
♫ give the gift of golden showers ♫
♫ [electric guitar riff] ♫
♫ Never let a lady think you care ♫
♫ Never show a girl your tender side ♫
♫ show her Oscar, never Felix! ♫
♫ Hold the Jekyll, give her Hyde!
♫ She'll be putty in your hands when you're hitting on her friends, ♫
♫ oh, never let a lady think you care ♫
Nah, nah, nah. That's all wrong.
Don't listen to them, that's nonsense. You're-
♫ Always be withholding of affection ♫
♫ reserve your "I love you's" for when she's servicing your erection. ♫
♫ She'll learn that sex means love, sure as a cookie from Pavlov. ♫
♫ Oh, never let a lady think you care ♫
♫ We all know how Prince Charming, with a kiss, saved Sleeping Beauty. ♫
♫ But a real man would've held out 'til he tapped that napping booty. ♫
♫ And no we don't mean tap like Fred Astaire, ♫
♫ never let a lady think you care ♫
♫ Give her Lennon, not McCartney. ♫
♫ Hold the Ernie, give her Bert! ♫
♫ Give her Siskel over Ebert, ♫
♫ always Courtney, never Kurt. ♫
♫ Give Goofus, don't be Gallant. ♫
♫ Add some Abbott, hold Costello. ♫
♫ And give her real Bill Cosby, not the friendly one with Jell-O. ♫
♫ Never let a lady, ♫
♫ Take a tip from Warren Beatty. ♫
♫ Never let a lady think you care! ♫
Brilliant! So I don't need a big black penis, or any of your body parts, after all!
That's right.
You got it.
Great! Well, I guess Dr. Frankenstein can just return them all to their original-
Oh. Ah... anyway!
Back to 1776! I've got some not-caring to do!
♫ [MUSIC: Declaration of Mendependence] ♫
♫ The Declaration of Mendependence ♫
♫ (Mendependence!) ♫
♫ We hold these truths to be self-evident. ♫
♫ That all men are created equally superior ♫
♫ to the woman. Can you dig it? ♫
What? No he didn't.
That ain't right.
♫ That they are well endowed by their creator, ♫
♫ Mr. God, with certain unalienable rights, ♫
♫ that among these are life, liberty, ♫
♫ and the pursuit of wet, warm... ♫
♫ I'm talking about Mendependence. ♫
♫ The Declaration of Mendependence! ♫