Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Ronny Ron Ronald - full transcript

Director and ex-child star, Ron Howard wants Frankenstein to make him young and cute again.

Alright, this is it.
A little shaking, a little noise, and we're hauling our butts to green cheese.
Ready for launch. T-minus 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 9...
Um, no,sorry. Uh, 10, 9-
W-What are you, purposefully sabotaging this rehearsal?
Y-y-y-you can't even count backwards, can you, you moron!
Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Hanks. Well, should I skip to one?
Ugh, forget it. Screw you.
Where the hell is Ron? We need to shoot this, now!
He's in his dressing room, on an important call.
Important? I'm important. I'm Tom ever-loving Hanks!
Sorry, he's in trailer 9. Uh, I mean 10!
Sorry, sorry. Heh. Damnit.
Who are you?
Oh. I'm... Ron.
Ron Howard...
Child star...
Full head... of hair...
Oh yeah.
Squeaky clean... image...
Say it again! Make me believe you!
Ron... child... hair... squeek...
No, no, cut.
I mean stop, stop having sex with me.
Ah, it's not working.
Of course it's not working.
Tom, hi! Uh, I was just auditioning...
Uh, Jasime here, for uh...
Oh, come on Ron, a mirror on this hooker's face?
That kinda stuff never works. No matter how hard you try, it ain't gonna be you, kid.
I know, I went through the same thing.
Frankenstein's Mad Operations Limited?
There's a map of the nearest Frankenhole on the back of the card.
Go to Frankenstein, and ask him to make you a clone that you can screw whenever you want!
Oh, I-I-I-I don't think I want that.
Ron, guys like us need an outlet for our perversion,
or else our true grossness starts showing up underneath these wholesome personas of ours.
Then how're we ever gonna play nice guys with AIDS, or retarded hicks?
But Tom, I just wanna be young again. Can he do that?
Well he can do this. Tommy?
Yes Daddy?
Hey, that's you from Bosom Buddies!
Yeah, he can probably handle making me young again.
Okay. Lower the mirror, sweetheart.
[zips] Whoops!
[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: theme song]
♫ Beyond space and time ♫
♫ stranger than the soul ♫
♫ is the world ♫
♫ deep inside the Frankenhole ♫
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ give up all control ♫
♫ take my hand, ♫
♫ we're going down the Frankenhole ♫
[thunder claps]
[bangs door knocker]
Uh, Ron Howard for Vic-
Follow me.
-tor Frankenstein?
I give you... Herr Frankenstein!
(infant cries) What is it?
It's alive. Back to work, Mother Teresa!
Ah, Mr. Howard, what can I do for you?
I... don't have fun getting off anymore.
You see, I was so cute as a kid that I would just masturbate to my own reflection.
It was easy!
Well those days are surely over.
Yeah. And now, I even strap hairy mirrors onto women while I screw them. Nothing works for me.
(sigh) So you want me to give you hair.
No no no no! I mean that would be okay, but...
I want something else. I want... my youth back.
Mr. Howard-
Call me Ronny.
Ronny? Trust me, you look more like a Ronald.
No. No, I don't like Ronald.
Well get used to it, you look like one.
No, I don't! I hate Ronald! I do not look like a Ronald-
Okay, so I look a little like a Ronald.
How 'bout now? Heh, Ronny, right?
Look at you. Grasping desperately at your youth.
C'mon, I just wanna be cute again.
Yes, do us all a favor.
We'll need some of your DNA so we can clone you for extra parts.
Oh, well here.
I uh, made some sperm while I was in the Frankenhole.
Ew, get that away from me!
My, we are randy, aren't we?
That's so gross.
Gross? I thought you were a scientist.
Yeah, but not a gay scientist.
Ugh, fine, I'll take it.
This is how we get DNA around here. The manly way.
That doesn't seem so manly to me-
(garbled) Whoa, whoa, stop it!
Cut it out!
Give me three weeks for the cloning.
Three weeks? Three weeks? Are you mad? I can't wait three weeks!
I can't live like this anymore, I tell you!
You don't know what it's like to live with this curse! Oh, why can't you understand!
Remind you of anyone?
Hmm. Igor!
Here. Put this toothbrush somewhere safe until we're ready to use it.
And make sure no one else gets their DNA on it.
You got it!
[thunder claps]
Why, why me?
(echoes) Why, why me?
Why must I live like this another day?
(echoes) Why must I live like this another day?
Why doesn't my echo sound like my voice?
(echoes) Why doesn't my echo wait for me?
Who are you?
[thunder claps]
Wait, so you're saying that you went back in time and interacted with a younger you?
Yeah, a-a-and don't you see? I gave myself the curse.
The curse of the Werewolf!
Uh, that seems improbable.
Actually, it's completely probable.
You see, there are an infinite number of each of us-
Wow! Uh, you interrupted me.
Albert Einstein! Ha! What are you doing here?
None of your business. Mleh.
Anyway, this is getting good.
Ugh, I hate interruptions.
First I get interrupted by Nazi Germany, and now this dum-dum.
Screw him! I'll just go on with my fun Frankenhole research
instead of telling him that according to my nifty little theory of relativity, all he has to do is-
All I have to do is go back in time, find a young me, and kidnap him to-
Yes, use his young body to put your current brain into.
Yeah. Heh, how'd you know I was gonna say that?
What else would one do with someone's younger version of themselves?
God, I hate you more than anything, you ugly, bald-
Can I tag along?
Couldn't hurt, having an Einstein along!
And I'm a good one, too!
Aren't you coming, Lawrence?
No, I'm just gonna sit here and drink my troubles away.
That guy's a real Thomas Edison.
Edison? Oh, is that the term Einstein uses for "dummy"?
Mm-hmm. Believe me, I've got a million of 'em.
Copernicus, Hippocrates, Nostra-dumbass,
Heh heh heh, I like that last one.
[thunder claps]
Thanks for coming along, Albert. I couldn't do the kidnapping on my own.
What are you, crazy? I'm not gonna help with any kidnapping.
Oh, come on.
No, no way Jose.
All we have to do is bash his head in!
Aw, look at me over there.
We came back too far, I can't put my brain in that!
Cut! Sorry, Ronny tripped a little. Let's take it again.
Oh, son of a bitch! You can't even walk, can you, you moron?
Sorry, Mr. Griffith.
Um, hi.
You want my autograph or something?
Uh, sure. Uh, here, sign my, uh...
I can sign your baldness.
(sigh) Eh, why not.
Not gonna be using it much longer anyway.
What's your name?
Ron... y... ald.
Ronald, Ronald.
Oh, that's kinda like my name! Only older. And uglier.
Yeah, well, I gotta live with it
Yeah, 'cuz it's on your baldness.
Do we bash his head in now?
No, no, no, no, no...
I really wanted to now.
Hey, what's going on?
Nothing. You wouldn't get it. It's uh, it's grown-up junk.
(sigh) Okay. I'm you from the future,
and we were talking about killing you and putting my old brain into your little body.
No, it's not neat. You'd be dead, and that would stink,
so I'm getting the teenage me instead. See you later.
Can I come along?
No you can't come along, this is none of your business.
Sure it's my business.
It might be the younger you that you're doing this to, but it's still the older me.
That's my future you're toying with, buddy!
He's not so wrong.
Yeah, technically...
Okay fine, you can come along, but stay out of the way, will you?
Oh boy!
[thunder claps]
It's alive! Alive!
[cocks, shoots pistol]
(sigh) Now where am I gonna find more of his DNA?
Oh, here.
You've been hanging onto this crud the whole time?
Don't call it crud. I've grown attached to the little fellow.
[MUSIC: slow dance]
Wow, look at me. So young, and...
Whoa! Is that me in the jacket?
No. The girl he's dancing with is you.
I mean me. Um, we.
I turn into a girl?
No, no, we're on the Happy Days set.
What's Happy Days?
It's a sitcom about the 50's.
You mean I come from the present day in the 60's, to the future of the 70's,
and the teenage me is pretending he's in the past of the 50's?
Dressed like a girl?
Yes, and all that is the least crazy thing that's happening.
No kidding! And not even getting into the fact that the 50's never looked like this.
The whole physical phenomenon of traveling-
Ohh! Here I come!
(sigh) Boy, I can't get a word in edgewise with you...
Sorry, no time for auto-
Hey, little Ronny Howard! I thought you were all grown-
...What's going on?
Breaking the laws of physics!
I know, this is weird-
And you... Are we related?
Well, kind of. I'm you.
Let's go talk in my dressing room.
You two wait out here.
Oh, why?
Yeah, this is the money shot!
What's going on?
No, no, leave it on.
I mean, I'm a director, I know what a bother it is to deal with hair and makeup.
I won't be long.
I need you.
Your youth... It's all... quite attractive.
I don't follow... I hope.
Oh, I think you do.
Masturbating mirrors?
No, n-no! Don't! Ugh!
N-no! [rips] I'm no gay!
This is more than gay!
What am I doing in there with me?
Probably nothing.
(heavy breathing) [zips]
That was the most...
narcissistic thing I've ever experienced!
Oh my god!
What's the matter, buddy? Guilt finally sinking in?
Yeah. Repressed guilt. From my teenage years.
When I was... molested... by me! Just now!
You actually enjoyed it!
Oh my god... You're right.
(sobbing) I'm awful!
(sobbing) And dirty!
Ooh. It feels good to... finally get that all out.
I've been carrying that around inside of me for... Well, for only two minutes, actually.
But it feels like decades!
Uh oh.
And so it was, that by the older Ron Howard carnally violating the younger Ron Howard,
the fabric of the cosmos had torn and upset the time-space continuum,
resulting in their own personal, vast universe, of infinite, varied-age-by-microsecond Ron Howards,
Who have existed, and will always exist, in the vast ocean of chronology-
Yeah, whatever!
Go ahead, interrupt me again.
I don't need it explained!
Okay, whatever. I guess I'll just go jump in the lake then, how about that.
Geez, that guy's a real Thomas Edison.
[MUSIC: "Ronny, My Baby"]
♫ (Ronny, my baby) ♫
♫ Ronny, my baby ♫
♫ (how I loved you so) ♫
♫ how I loved you so. ♫
♫ (I put my arms around you) ♫
♫ I put my arms around you, ♫
♫ (and wouldn't let you go) ♫
♫ and wouldn't let you go. ♫
♫ Don't you see? ♫
♫ You're the me I couldn't begin to possess. ♫
♫ Unless I split a hole in time, ♫
♫ and shoved it into your party dress. ♫