Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - Heal Hitler - full transcript

Hitler is sick of hating the Jews.

[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: theme song]
♫ Beyond space and time ♫
♫ stranger than the soul ♫
♫ is the world ♫
♫ deep inside the Frankenhole ♫
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ give up all control ♫
♫ take my hand, ♫
♫ we're going down the Frankenhole ♫
[thunder claps]
[bats chirp]
Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!
[ding dong]
Oh good, the doorbell works.
Still immortal, eh, Polidori?
[thunder claps]
Yes, what's so dramatically urgent now, Death?
Oh no, it's not dramatic. It's...
The time has come.
(chuckles) Time, sir?
I drank an immortality serum, remember?
So when you say "the time" has come, to me,
you may as well be speaking backwards Japanese in Pig Latin.
Mmm. With a stutter.
Yes, but your children. They did not drink the serum.
They must move on to the great beyond.
Oh, of course they must. They're as old as the hills.
Now look, I am a very busy man, s-
I don't think you understand.
The next chance I get, your offspring will be going away with me
Uh huh.
Why do you hate me?
Don't take it personally, I don't like anyone.
So you do hate me?
I don't like anyone.
You don't give me the respect I deserve.
Alright, look.
You're not a bad guy, you're just a goof, okay?
A goof?
Yes. An irritating goof.
No one else thinks I'm a goof.
Yes, that's because they are blinded with fear.
Time has stopped for me. I get to see the real you, and...
you're goofy.
Huh. Okay, that's fantastic. Yeah. Perfect.
We'll see how goofy I am when you realize your children are gone for all eternity.
I guarantee that that will leave a morbid impression upon your soul.
Do you know what would really impress me?
Get rid of that Dracula guy.
That dirty Polack's B.O. is getting all over my bed sheets.
Dracula stays, but your children come with me.
(laughs evilly)
In one ear and out the other with him.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
So, you thought you could get rid of me, using that dastardly villain Death.
But, you are once again foiled, Frankenstein!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
I'm surrounded by dorks.
[thunder claps]
Mommy, we don't like the cemetery.
It's hitting a little too close to home right now.
The silent vampire!
He's balder than Dracula!
I never thought of that. That's scarier.
Settle down. I'll handle it.
Ha ha, you can't kill our mom, she is immortal.
La la la, la la la
Oh no, the Mummy!
Scary, and from another culture.
Scat, scat!
Oh, do calm down you two.
Come, bid farewell to existence!
Boys, I've had just about enough of this.
But, Death, Mom.
Yeah, Death.
Aren't you a little too old for this?
No, just right.
Yeah, perfect age to worry about death, actually.
Enough. One more outburst, and you're really in trouble.
Oh, come on!
[thunder claps]
Really Victor, you do realize that if you only made love to Elizabeth once in a while
instead of surgically removing the semen from your body without anesthetic,
she wouldn't be cavorting with that Eurotrash vampire?
And, Professor, if I wasn't so desperately bored by any form of (straining) sexual stimulation,
I wouldn't have to dream up newer, more interesting ways to empty my scrotum...
(struggles) There!
...Oh, yeah.
Igor! Fag!
You got it!
Moment's up!
The boys are completely wearing me out. I simply must get some time away from them.
Pray, what are the two grand-brothers up to now?
I'd like to discuss this, and other family matters, privately, if you please?
Fine! Over dinner then.
I'm famished!
[thunder claps]
Elizabeth, you're simply going to have to quit saving the boys from Death.
It's their time to die, and that's that!
[silverware clatters]
Uh, children, you're excused from the table. Time for bed.
Aw geez, just when it was getting good.
What are you talking about? It was awful.
Oh, yeah...
I don't like talking that way in front of them. It's uncomfortable.
Every minute of the day is uncomfortable with those bratty little geezers.
Darling, can't we go on a romantic holiday alone together?
No. Not until the kids are dead.
Oh, that's no fair! It'll take the fun right out of the whole trip.
Are you crazy? What could be better than your own children dying before you?
Maybe everyone doesn't feel that way.
Everyone's an idiot!
Well I'm sorry, I'm just trying so hard to be all motherly and everything.
Elizabeth, sometimes "motherly" is letting your children leave the nest to plummet to their deaths.
Of course, you're right.
No, I won't hear any more of this.
You need to quit foiling Death, and let our sons die in peace.
Alright dear.
Daddy! Tuck us in!
Certainly not!
Victor, can't you at least tuck the boys in one last time?
Last time?
Oh alright, first and last.
Oh, I suppose it couldn't hurt.
There, now you're tucked...
See ya.
Wait Daddy, don't go.
(baby talking) We're afraid of Death.
Look, I don't have time for this. Good night.
Oh, you're scared of him too, huh?
Yep, Dad's afraid.
(scoffs) Afraid, of that buffoon?
I'll show you afraid. Where is he?
He's out there.
By that giant hourglass.
Hourglass? What a hack.
Daddy, what are you doing?
I'm mooning Death.
Nooo! Not that!
Your butt will be maddening to him.
Noo, don't wiggle it too!
Oh yeah, get a load of this, boys!
Up, and ar-r-r-round! Woo hoo hoo!
Oh, I could kill him.
(sing song) Good morning!
My, you're certainly chipper.
And why not, it's such a beautiful, childless day!
Childless? You mean...?
Oh, after the stunt I pulled on Death last night,
I doubt the boys even got to their first cycle of REM sleep.
Oh, darling, that's-
Morning Mommy, morning Daddy, we're hungry.
Finish shooting off your testicles yet?
Yes. Did you send for him?
He's waiting outside.
Well bring him in.
Don't "what" me, when I should be "why"-ing you about not taking my kids away.
So, you really don't care if they die, do you?
Of course I care, I need them dead, yesterday!
Alright, I'll play along.
Oh please, don't take my children away from me Death, please!
(chuckles) Don't worry. I won't.
No matter what happens to them, I will never take them...
Wait, no no, no-
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait- (coughs)
He couldn't have meant that.
Never killing them?
A fate worse than death.
[dramatic sting]
Daddy, can I say grace?
Ohhh, I want to.
Since when do we say grace in this household?
Well, since Death started coming around, we joined a church.
Yeah, Our Lady of Feets Don't Fail Me Now.
Oh, let them, dear. It makes them feel oh so much better.
Alright, Heinrich, you may... say grace.
Ahem. Dear G-g-g-g-god. We're so s-s-s-s-scared.
Ow, again!
That's new.
Mommy, Daddy, we've got some fresh pain.
In our backs. And our throats.
Oh, poor darlings. Maybe it's serious.
I'm going for a walk.
Okay, I'm sorry I mooned you, alright?
Mm-hmm. (slurps) I don't believe you believe you're sorry.
Of course I'm sorry! I'm sorry that my children are still alive.
Just because you made an immortality serum, you think you're hot stuff.
Well, you're not.
What do you want from me?
Your respect.
That's not fair! I don't respect anyone.
I'll have to mull it over a bit.
Fine. In the meantime, don't say goodbye to your kids!
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, nice kitty.
Nine... (yowls)
Oh, hi again!
Eight... (yowls)
(giggles) Oh, hi!
Hup! Seven... (yowls)
[thunder claps]
I had Mother Teresa put the children to bed. Fingers crossed!
Death is kind of mad at me right now.
How mad?
Mad enough to see to it that our children will continue to-
No! Don't say that word!
-to live.
No! Oh God, why them?
I don't know!
You never wanted to go away with me, did you?
No, I didn't. But I still want them dead.
You sabotaged this!
Well, I'm going on a romantic holiday, with Dracula!
So, I hope you're happy.
W-what? You can't go! (stutters) Who's gonna watch the kids?
Uh- Oh!
(baby talking) And Little Red Riding Hood
ate the yummy, yummy porridge...
N-n-n-n-no more stories!
You're mixing up the stories.
Goldilocks ate the porridge, not Little Red-
Don't make him mad!
J-just jump to the end.
Oh no, not the end! her egg-shelled coffin,
and was kissed awake by the sleeping Prince.