Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 1, Episode 3 - Death - full transcript

(chirps)
(wolf howls)
(chirps)
(bang)
Mr. Victor, the poor, they need so much
my help back in Calcutta...
(sighs)
Argh! Don't give me those puppy-dog eyesies!
Humph.
Breakfast for dinner again?
Why must you begin work at midnight?
Because, it is spooky!
That's why. It lends credibility to my mad experiments.
Humph.
Good evening, mother.
Good morning, father.
Good evening.
Good morning.
Look mother, I lost another tooth.
Oh, how sweet!
Put it under your pillow for the Tooth Fairy.
Yay! (coughs)
Are you all nuts?
You're having him put his dead tooth under a nice soft pillow?
We're celebrating the change in Heinrich's body.
Heinrich, you know that that's your last top left bicuspid, right?
You don't get a new one.
I know.
Me too.
And there is no such thing as a Tooth Fairy.
Next thing you'll tell me is that Santy Claus
brings Dracula a huge bundle of baby throats every Christmas.
Ooh, speak of the devil-cula.
Oh, hello! I'll be right out, Count!
What does the prince of horny want with you now?
He's taking me to the opera. As if you care.
I'm going to the lab.
Who are you helping?
That's not us.
Someone who actually deserves my help!
A... Dolph? Hitler?
[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: theme song]
(howls)
♫ Beyond space and time ♫
♫ Stranger than the soul ♫
♫ is the world ♫
♫ deep inside the Frankenhole ♫
Gyah!
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ give up all control ♫
♫ Take my hand ♫
♫ we're going down the Frankenhole ♫
[thunder claps]
Well, thank you for coming all the way from your own time and space.
Mostly time, really. No problem.
Kinda fun, actually.
Yes, well uh, what can we do for you?
(sighs) I... I hate the Jews.
Historically, you are in good company.
Yeah, but I'm just sick of it! It's controlling my whole life!
Herr Frankenstein, I want to quit hating the Jews.
Then why don't you just start liking them?
I can't! I want to, but my hands are tied!
Ohh, I hate them!
Have you tried not hating them?
What, do you think I'm stupid?
Yeah, I tried, look: (strains)
There, tried again, still hate 'em! Satisfied?
Well, if I were you, Mr. Hitler-
You would do exactly as I do,
if you were me.
(sighs) You think I want to be like this?
You think I picked the shape of this dumb brain of mine?
Did I choose the environment I grew up in during my formative years?
And was I my own parents, who raised myself in a cold, emotionless, Germanic childhood?
No. Despising and fearing Jews is more than just a fun pastime for me.
It is a controlling handicap that gets in the way of me being who I really am...
A tolerator of Jews!
I'm sure we can help you.
Oh, Herr Frankenstein, Herr Polidori...
If you can rid me of this burdensome character flaw,
I will give you anything.
Even the gift of me not having you executed by the Gestapo.
I know people.
Give us an afternoon to research this dilemma.
There's a quaint little pub in the village where you can occupy yourself.
My Creation will show you there. He's an alcoholic.
[thunder claps]
What unreciprocated favor (sniff) may I carry out in your honor today,
Master Genius.
Funny, I always- I always pictured you as being green.
(pained sigh)
Shall we not tarry?
Well, I'll need a smoke before we start.
Yes, and I could use a swift wanking.
[thunder claps] [howl]
Oh hello, Herr Worky-Job!
Taking a break from your jobby-work?
(chuckles) Nice one.
Don't!
You keep trying, eh, Count?
I think those holes mean more than trying!
I think I did it! I put my teeth in there!
Yes, but you'll never make her a vampire.
It gets your goat, doesn't it?
I assure you, my goat is quite safe!
Since Elizabeth here already immortal,
what I care, she got fangs, she can flap around like flappy bat? I don't care.
She does whatever I want.
You mean, you do whatever she wants.
No. I do what I want, and she does...
She... do... what I want.
She does not.
Oh ho, yes she does!
No way.
Hello? I'm right here...
Yes way.
No way!
Yes way, but this is childish!
Walking away doesn't make you right!
(hisses)
(chirps)
Agh!
Men.
Although I am indestructible, (sniff)
a sense of dread constantly pervades my consciousness.
An ennui that sends me into fits of trembling unrest that I can find no solace from.
You're a Jew, aren't you?
My only heritage (sniff) is death.
Death is my legacy.
Death, my birthright.
Death, my inheritance. (distant howling)
Yes, definitely a Jew.
Somewhat. My left leg was chosen from the Chosen.
Another drink?
Tidings.
Think nothing of it, I am made of money.
I control many of your leg's people's banks.
Once, I controlled him. (sniff)
My presence filled Frankenstein with chills.
Control is overrated. It doesn't make you happy.
It doesn't keep me from being frightened.
Of what are thou frightened?
Being called a monster.
Bleagh, I hate that word.
It probably applies to me though.
If you're so aware of thine own heart,
why struggle (sniff) against its leanings?
I'm not always this aware.
I had a dream.
(crying) (shrieking)
(screaming)
Freud!
I should've killed you when I had you in my clutches!
Zounds!
(sing-song) I'm sorry! Sorry.
I'm very insecure.
You have no need to be.
Really? Oh, you're nice, pally!
Pally?
Hey, let's do some shots! I feel all tingly.
I'm your pally?
(giggling) Oh ho, I think I'm getting spaghetti legs!
(creak)
So, how're the little brainy-heads doing?
Great. The answer's very simple.
See here, not enough blood
(giggling) is entering the tolerance part of your brain.
(giggling) So, all we need to do is re-route this artery,
(giggling) and it should send oxygen to that part of the lobe,
feeding the area that's been suffocating.
And this will stop me from hating the Jews?
Oh yes. You'll be not hating the crap out of those Jews.
Ahem...
Um, but, there may be one possible side effect.
What, like diarrhea? That's fine, I can live with that.
It's a little different than diarrhea.
I'm afraid so, Mr. Hitler. This process may leave you...
loving the Jews.
L-l-l-l-l-l-loving?
Not just tol-l-l-lerating?
That's right.
Like, going-out-of-my-way loving?
Yup.
(sing-song) Well, that is a little different than diarrhea...
Okay. I'll risk it.
Adolf Hitler, get on that slab!
[thunder claps]
[squish]
Hey, so, the Jews...
not so bad!
Huzzah!
[thunder claps]
Victor claims that to be truly immortal, one must affect mankind in some positive way.
Oh, I don't know if being positive is all that mandatory.
Is your leg okay? Has it got enough room?
Uh, yes, sufficient. Alas, I fall just-
Are you sure there's enough room for the leg? It seems a bit squashed over there.
No, worry not, i-it's fine. And even-
So, how is your left leg, in general?
What? Oh, it still-
Come on, lift up your pants. Let's see the little fella.
No! It shames me.
Shames? Why? You're the ugly one.
Come, off with it!
Ooh, look at him, he's adorable!
Hi, you! You wanna drink? Sure you do.
A wine for my Semitic little friend here,
something that follows the ancient Hebrew laws, you swine!
L'chaim!
Ah, I love drinking during the day, don't you?
What else is there?
(sing-song) Not talking to you.
Yes, of course.
Are you getting tired?
I'm getting a bit fatigued.
Who asked you?
I just am!
Well then why don't you just leave?
Quite frankly, you're nothing but a big, worthless third wheel.
(rip)
There! Don't let me spoil thy fun!
(snarling)
Let's kibbitz!
[MUSIC: "Little Daisies"]
♫ Oh, little daisies ♫
♫ oh, little daisies ♫
You're it!
Now you're it!
(laughs)
Oh, damn it, okay, okay, I give, I give!
Got you!
(giggles)
Now what do you wanna do?
Let's play Truth or Dare! You first.
Um, dare. No, no, truth, truth.
No, no, dare, dare. No, truth.
Dare, dare. No, no, no, truth, truth, truth.
Okay. What's the worst thing you ever planned on doing?
(sing-song) Well...
[thunder claps]
Look, can't you just forget about all that?
Forget? Never! I have to draw the line somewhere.
That was the old me! It was just a plan!
I reject you! You and that fakakta mustache!
Chaplin had this first!
Oh, his little tramp...
You're dead to me!
Aaahhhh!
(babies crying)
(squish)
Aaahhhh!
Ich bin ein Berliner!
Uh, what did he say?
I think he said he's a donut.
He sure is!
No, you are donut, Frankenstein!
For I have date to take your wife on romantic hayride sometime in next few weeks,
when hayride people have an opening for us.
You donut!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
(chirps)
[MUSIC: "Little Daisies"]
♫ Look at you, stuck in the earth ♫
♫ it's no way to spend the day ♫
♫ You tried so hard ♫
♫ you haven't heard ♫
♫ There's no way out of the Earth ♫
(chirps)
(high-pitched) You donut!