Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 24 - Assault and Batteries - full transcript

Hello, Jefferson, are you busy?

You're havin' sex with Marcy.

What, is she holdin' a gun?

Okay, I'll wait.

Let's go, let's go!

Now look, it's my day off,

and the Brute Channel
is gonna show Hondo,

John Wayne's greatest
movie of all time.

Now, I know Peg wants
me to fix the basement steps,

so I need a favor.

I want you to come over
and hide in the bushes.



Then I'm gonna open
the front door and say,

"My, the clouds are
looking fluffy today."

That's your excuse
to come rushing in

saying you're having
an appendicitis attack

and need me to rush
you to the hospital.

Then we'll go to your house
and watch Hondo. Tee-hee.

What do you
mean, faster, faster?

I'm talkin' as fast
as I can. Hello?!

Eww, sex in the morning.

Eww, sex with Marcy.

Eww, sex in the
morning with Marcy.

Hi, honey. It's time...

It's time to get
some chores done.

Now, to be fair, we'll
both pick from the job jar.



I'll pick the red one.

Well, that's where I went wrong.

Let's see.

"Continue sitting
on couch." Ha ha ha.

Ooh, lucky. All
right, Al. Your turn.

Gee, I... I wonder
what it'll be.

All right.

"Fix basement step."

Tough break, honey.

Well, a man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.

Excuse me, Peg, I'm just
gonna get a little fresh air first.

My, the clouds are
lookin' fluffy today.

Ahem.

My, the clouds are
looking fluffy today.

I said, "My, the clouds
are looking fluffy today,

you earless moron!"

Al! Al!

It's an emergency!

I need you to...
uh... uh... what?

Rush you to the hospital?

Ah, yes, yes. I'm
in... great pain.

What's wrong, Jefferson?

Ah...

Oh, it's an
appendicitis, Peg. See?

Oh!

Thank God it's not a groin pull.

Yeah, I'm a paramedic.
I heard the yellin'.

Good thing I was parked on
the street avoiding my supervisor.

Come on, we'll have that
appendix out in no time.

Oh, no, no, you see... You
don't seem to understand.

I was helpin', Al...
Al, tell him I was... Al!

Well, honey, now you
can fix the basement step.

Peg, Hondo's coming on at 3:30.

Hondo, Peg!

John Wayne's best movie.

It only comes on
once every 17 years.

Oh, Peg, please
let me watch Hondo.

Oh, now, Al. It's only 9:30.

You can fix the step

and watch your stupid Hondo.

All right! I'll fix the step.
Where are my tools?

Well, in the tool chest.

You know, there
is something else

that needs fixing down there.

Light bulb out?

Yeah, that's it.

Would you get me
the flashlight, Peg?

Now, how am I supposed
to do my job and yours?

I'll tell ya.

Now I know how Hillary feels.

Ah, all right, Al, I've
got it. Now what?

Well, you could shove it up...

Never mind.

Come on, hurry, Al,

this flashlight weighs a ton.

It's not the flashlight.

Wait a minute,
Peg, it doesn't work.

Peg, do me a favor.

Go to the store and
get me some D batteries.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Don't worry, Peg, I'm not
gonna be havin' a good time.

I'll just do what
I can in the dark.

Oh... like during sex?

No, Peg, I can't
fake fixing a step.

Hey, Kell, we got
any D batteries?

Yeah, I think there's
some in the tool chest.

- Find it?
- Yeah.

Kell, check this out.

It's Buck's birth certificate.

Wow. According to this,
he was born ten years ago.

God, that would
make him ten years old.

Hmm. And they
wanted to neuter me.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Oh, please don't say let's
do something nice for him.

Let's do something nice for him.

What can we do, though?

Food would be nice.

I know. Let's take him
out for some exercise.

Oh, good, the very
thing you need food for.

We can take him to that park
where all the dogs play together.

You mean where
the Rottweilers hunt?

Come on, boy, we are gonna
have the time of your life.

But I hate Rottweilers.

Hey, can't I play with
the drug-sniffing dogs?

You know, they're so laid back.

Okay, Al, I got your batteries.

Peg, these are
A's. I needed D's.

A's, D's, what's the difference?

They're too small.

Then use a lot of 'em.

Better yet, I'll
exchange them...

for bullets!

I'm goin' with you.

No, Peg, if you go,
you'll wanna shop.

I'm just gonna run in, get
the new batteries and go out.

I was just at that store. There is
absolutely nothing I want. Now let's go.

But, Peg, Hondo's coming on.

Peg, do we really need
Christmas icicles? It's May.

Well, you'll thank
me in December.

Only if you leave
me in November.

Oh, look, Al.

They're doing a
Full House in 3D.

Is the third dimension
the funny one?

Gee, I don't know.

These glasses are annoying.

At least you look stupid.

I'm bored. I'm gonna
go get some ice cream

and wait in the car.

Don't put back those icicles.

I won't.

Excuse me, my 26 cats

are waiting for these three cans

of liver feast.

Do you mind if I cut in?

Well, age before beauty.

Thank you, beauty.

You're welcome, age.

Hey, hey, lady.

You know, Hondo's
coming on pretty soon.

You know, it's... it's the
story about the Wild West.

You... you remember
the Wild West, don't you?

Aren't you that mean
shoe salesman at the mall?

Uh... no. You must have me
mistaken for someone else.

Check stand two is now open.

Ha! Yes, I am that
shoe salesman.

And I don't need your
stinkin' place in line.

Eat shoe and die!

Gotta see Hondo.
Gotta see Hondo.

Sir, would you let me
in front of you, please?

Don't call me sir,
you cliff dweller.

It's bad enough you
ruined my morning.

Yeah? Well, you think
hearin' you scream

"Ride me like a show
horse" did me any good?

Let me go in front of ya,

and I'll be out of...
what's left of your hair.

Just relax.

This is what it's like

to be a part of civilization.

Wait. I have a coupon.

Unfreaking believable!
There's always one!

No, don't worry.
I'm paying cash.

Thank God.

Yeah, my wife
and I put a penny in

every time we make love.

We're like rabbits.

Good.

On Easter, I'll dip
you both in chocolate

and break your heads off.

Gee, we don't see

that much Confederate
money around here anymore.

What happened to
just paying and leaving?

People just have
too many options.

Next.

This vaporizer is 39.99 here,

but I found it
somewhere else for 39.98,

and you say
you'll beat any ad...

Ah!

That'll be $753.84.

Every time my husband
and I make love...

My wife bought
the wrong batteries,

and since I can't exchange her,

I'd like to exchange
these for these.

You know, in my day, you just
pushed them buttons a little bit,

the register went ching-ching,

and the drawer popped out.

That's a fascinating story, sir.

But these days,
we have computers,

and they make things
a lot easier and quicker.

Computer's down.

Sorry, sir. You'll have to wait.

I can't wait for the
computer to come on!

I gotta get home for
Hondo. Just add it up.

- I can't do that.
- You can't add?

Good career choice.

I don't have to take this.

If I knew how, I
would call security.

Well, don't learn a
new skill on my account.

Just keep the
stinkin' batteries.

I'm taking my
business elsewhere.

Open these doors!

Can't.

The computer controls them, too.

And you just lost
your place in line.

That was fun.

It's good to get out
and watch Buck run.

Yeah. He must've
had a great time.

Call 911.

K-911.

Well, now what do you
want to do with him?

Hey, I know. Let's play...

Anything but Frisbee.

Frisbee.

No... not the disc of death.

Oh, oh, look at
his eyes light up.

I'd tear out both their hearts

if my teeth weren't in a
glass in my doghouse.

Come on.

You know, in these
stressful times,

it's nice to have a quiet moment

to get to know each other.

I want out!

It's 90 minutes to Hondo!

Al, are you gonna be long?

Hondo's on in 90 minutes.

I know, Peg! The
doors won't open.

I know the stores are open.

That's where I got
this lovely dress.

No more. No more.

What's that? Buy more? Buy more?

Don't buy anything!

Buy a dinner ring?

You know, I hadn't thought
about jewelry before, but I guess I...

No! Don't buy!

Bye.

My wife is out there
unsupervised with credit cards.

Where's your computer expert?

Out there. He can't get in.

Okay, Buck, here it comes, boy.

Catch it.

Why didn't you jump?

I did.

You know, Kell, I
think the problem

is Buck's getting
too old to jump.

Yeah. I know.

You throw it to
him, and I'll lift him.

All right.

Hm. This'll be good.

Okay, Buck. Here it comes, boy.

Kelly?

Kelly? Speak to me.

Come closer.

Hm? What? What is it?

Oh, come on.

She's never gonna
that Frisbee to fit there.

Ahh!

Well, I'll be damned.

Someone hasn't
been eating their fiber.

Hey, come on, fella.
Put the bat down.

Come sit around the hibachi.

Swap some stories, huh?

You want a story?

I got a story for ya...

about a little place I
like to call America...

before scanners and bar codes

and computers and wives.

Can I help ya,

pretty but fallen lady?

I hope so. They want
me to do the can-can

down at the saloon,

so I guess I'm gonna
need some cans.

You got yourself some
fancy book-learnin', ain't ya?

Howdy, my honest
young merchant friend.

I need a few things.

I need a deck of marked cards,

some loaded dice, and some
genuine cowhide condoms.

Although in these simpler
times we don't need 'em,

but heck, they feel so good,

we don't need the woman, either.

Hey, not in front of
the boy, Mr. D'Arcy.

You'll put ideas in his head.

Yeah, next thing
you know, he'll be out

behind the barn with
his wooden woman.

Hey, order me up a
couple of jugs, too.

Thank you.

Ma, now you know
you scare the customers

when you stare
into that box like that.

Yeah, I know. I
just get this feeli"

that one day, there's
gonna be people

small enough to fit in there.

Afternoon, barefoot bumpkins.

Afternoon, Miss
Evil Bank President.

It has come to my attention
that these simple times

are going far too
easy for you folks.

Let's see if that changes
when you have to use this.

What in tarnation is that?

It's a computer!

And we're gonna
make you use them

whether you like it or not!

Ha ha ha.

Now hold on a second, pilgrim.

What is that gizmo?

That's not a gizmo,
it's a computer.

Now it's a gizmo.

Now you take your
prairie chicken hide,

and cluck on outta here.

Well, I'll be back,

and next time,
I'm bringin' Muzak.

Thanks, Bundo.

Oh, Bundo, you are just
the kind of man we need

in these sweet
and innocent times.

Now if there's anything
I can do for you...

Well, there is one thing.

Take a powder, boy.

Ha ha, not that.

No, I'm lookin' for a copy

of that new girlie
magazine, Bare Ankle.

I hear... they're comin'
out with a new 3D issue.

So I say, we should do

what John Wayne would've done.

Let's show these machines
who's runnin' things!

I say we kick
some computer butt!

For Hondo!

Oh, my head.

What time is it?

Hondo!

And that's the conclusion

of the classic western, Hondo.

Join us February 18th, 2011,
for the encore showing of...

Well, I might have missed Hondo,

but at least I stood up
for what I believed in.

Well, honey, you better
sit back down again,

because that
computer you destroyed

is gonna cost $4,000.

Well, thank God I make that much

in a... in a year.

Mom, Dad, you guys seen Buck?

We're gonna take
him rollerblading.

He's in the basement.
Let's get him.

Ahh!

Ha ha. I may be old,

but I can still throw my
voice with the best of 'em.