Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 25 - Al Goes Deep - full transcript
Using their tax refund money, Jefferson and Al bet heavily on a college football game that they are guaranteed to win. But that's before Trumaine's prized, not-so-bright quarterback Chad, who is being tutored by Bud, falls in love with Kelly, whom she pleasantly distracts from his training. Al must find a way to keep them apart at all costs after he finds out that other shady parties have also bet heavily on the game as well.
Hi. Al Bundy here.
Hey, I got my income tax refund
and I want to blow it all.
How much for a subscription
to Hot New Boats?
Gee, that's a little steep.
You gonna have an
issue of Hot New Hooters?
Hello?
Hello?!
You know, Al, I know how
you could spend that refund.
I saw this nice bonbon maker
on the Home Shopping Network.
It would make
my life a lot easier.
Peg, if your life
was any easier,
you'd be in an
urn in the garage.
You know, you're
gonna change your tune
when my homemade
bonbons go national.
I've even got a slogan:
"Put a Wenker in your mouth."
No offense, but I wanted
to use my maiden name.
You should use your
mother's maiden name.
"Put an entire side
of beef in your mouth."
All right, Al, now
close your eyes.
I want you to tell me which one
of these bonbons you like better.
I'm not gonna tell
you which one is mine.
Okay.
Not bad.
Okay.
Now...
This one.
So, what do you think?
Well, it's... got a lot of tang.
Well, it should.
I used a whole jar of it.
Oh...
All right now, Al.
Tell me what you
think, and be honest.
Don't quit your day couch, Peg.
You suck.
I'm gonna go find Marcy,
get a woman's opinion.
Why, does she know one?
Hey, Al.
Look, I really need to talk...
Hey, Jefferson,
come here a minute.
I want you to try
one of my homemade bonbons.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Where is it?
In this meteorite?
Mmm...
Fruity...
Light.
It's the most delicious thing...
Peg's gone.
What's new?
Al, you gotta help me.
I have done something terrible.
I know, I was at the wedding.
Not that.
You know how
Marcy's always saying
I'm irresponsible with money?
You mean because you
haven't had a job in three years.
Just because I'm a house-husband
doesn't mean I don't work.
Excuse me, Mr. Jefferson,
I have ironed your socks.
May I please have my
five minutes for lunch now?
Uh... no.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm in real trouble, Al.
See, I wanted to prove to Marcy
that I was good with money.
So, when her $3,000
tax refund came in,
I took it, and I invested it.
In what?
Clothes.
Look, Al, I've only got
a couple of hundred left.
I need a good
solid 15-to-one shot.
Well, it's a 15-to-one shot
the next time I'm havin' sex,
Peg'll ruin it by
walkin' in on me.
Ah, no, not good enough.
I need a sure bet.
Well, it's a sure bet
that this time next year,
Marcy'll be a member
of the Hair Club For Men.
Ah, forget it.
I'll just ask somebody who
knows more about money
than a shoe salesman.
Yo! Paperboy!
Dad...
I gotta ask you a question.
Because we get horny and
don't have the sense to say no.
No.
Not... not that question, Dad.
Well, that's the only one
I have an answer to, son.
Dad, why is life so unfair?
I mean, I go to college
and get good grades.
Yes, you do, son.
I'm certainly good-looking.
Yet some imbecile
football player
with the I.Q. of Buck gets
girls while I get nothing.
The secret of attracting
the opposite sex
is in the mutual
sniffing of butt.
Bud, let me tell you something.
I was once that imbecile.
I was once that football player.
And if it makes
you feel any better,
I am what becomes of them.
Have jobs like mine,
houses like mine,
children like mine.
I am your revenge.
So, you'd trade places with me?
Are you kidding?
I'm gonna get ready.
Chad's gonna be here in a
few minutes to get tutored.
The pig says... oink.
Today's biology.
Thank you, ladies.
Thank you, ladies.
It's time for my lesson now.
But I'll be walki"
home in an hour.
Don't you hate women hangin'
all over you everywhere you go?
Good thing we're at our
sexual peak, hey, Buddy?
Sure is.
Chad Dowling.
Tremaine's All-Star quarterback.
Yes, sir.
Pleasure to meet you, son.
Al Bundy.
I hope you don't mind
me calling you son.
Ah, no offense, uh...
Bud.
Bud, yeah.
Uh...
I'm sure my son Bud here
has told you all about me.
Al Bundy. Polk High.
Four touchdowns in one game.
Actually, he told me
more about his real father...
The Green Beret who got
lost in that recon mission
over in 'Nam.
Yeah, well, his real mother,
the late Totie Fields,
took that hard...
Took that real hard.
Well, come on.
Let's sit down, son.
Let's talk a little football.
Ah, excuse me, Dad...
You know, Mr. Bundy,
if you're such a fan
you oughta come to our
homecoming game this weekend.
We're playing
our traditional rival,
the Sonora Screaming
Desert Tortoises.
Hey, I hear they're
tough this year.
Hey, Chad, we got
a lot of work to do...
Anyway, you oughta be
there. We're gonna kill 'em.
You're that good, huh?
No.
Probably shouldn't
tell you this, but...
l just found out their quarterback's
gonna be out on academic probation.
Man, if we were allowed
to cash in the free cars
the alumni gave us and bet,
I'd put the farm on this one.
Especially before
the word gets out.
The cow says... moo.
What is it, Al?
- Jefferson.
- Yeah?
- Look over there. You see that kid?
- Yeah.
That's your 15-to-one shot.
If a cow says moo,
does a moose say cow?
What am I betting, that
one day, he'll sell shoes?
That's Chad Dowling,
Tremaine's All-Star quarterback.
He told me that the quarterback
for the opposing team
is out on probation
and won't play
in the big game on Saturday,
but the best part is...
nobody knows about it yet.
Are you sure about this, Al?
Because if you're not,
Marcy's gonna hurt me bad.
Jefferson, you think I would bet
my $17.34 tax
refund if I wasn't sure?
I don't know much,
but I know football.
You're right on both counts.
Oh, Al, you're the best
friend I've ever had.
I gotta go call my bookie.
Okay, Chad, look, we
covered a lot of ground today,
so just go home and
get some rest, all right?
Yeah, I'm beat.
It's like when you've had
so much sex you can barely...
Just... just get out, okay?
It was nice to meet
you, Mr. Bundy.
And by the way, why didn't
you ever play college ball?
Well, that's a long,
sad story, Chad.
Excuse us.
It was 20 years ago.
Polk High's big game.
My girlfriend at the time...
Well, later it became my wife,
but that's another tragic tale.
Had this little habit
of shouting at me
while I was in the game.
Of course I hated that,
so of course she
shouted at me one time
when a 300-pound line-backer
was barreling down on me.
When I came to, I had two
kids and was sellin' shoes.
Whoa, tough luck.
Well, but I bounced right back.
I mean, when I'm 65, I'll
get the golden shoe horn.
Which I can sharpen
and fall onto when I'm 66.
So what I'm tryi"
to say, son, is...
learn from my mistakes.
Don't ever let a woman
take over your life.
Oh, you don't have to
worry about me, Mr. Bundy.
I'm way too young
to fall in love.
Hey, Daddy, guess what?
Oh, pumpkin?
Oh, Chad?
Oh, no!
So, anyway, Marcy, I just
tripled a few of the ingredients.
Well, actually, I
tripled the sugar
and added a little
bit more caffeine.
So, tell me, do you
think it's too much?
No, I think they're
great. Give me more!
I don't care what the scientists
say about sugar, they lie.
I hate them. I hate them all.
Al's home! Al's home!
I hate you. Welcome home, Al.
How was your day?
I've had a great day.
Still haven't gotten my
tax refund. It'll come soon.
It's gonna be a big one. Have
you tasted Peggy's bonbons?
Gee, I wonder what's
on TV tonight. It's Sunday.
Oh no, Carlin's on.
Al's home. Hi, Al.
Who put the battery in
the energizer chicken?
Gee, maybe I made
this batch a tad too sweet.
Here, Buck, what do you think?
Peg, have you seen
Kelly and Chad?
Yeah. They went to the zoo.
Yeah, but I heard he
missed practice today.
- So?
- So!
Peg, don't you understand,
if Chad doesn't win...
You know, it's not gonna be a
pretty sight when she crashes.
Or when he does.
I'm gonna kill 'em.
I'm gonna wait
till they're asleep.
Then I'm gonna kill 'em,
then I'm gonna eat 'em.
I'm gonna kill 'em, eat
'em, then bury their bones.
I knew this would happen.
Kelly's makin' it hard for Chad
to concentrate on the game.
Relax, Al.
They're just a
couple of kids in love.
They remind me of us
when we were that age.
That's exactly why I
have to put a stop to it.
I used to have such pretty hair.
Where, oh, where
is my pretty hair?
Ah, I'm gettin' old.
I knew it when I stopped
lifting my leg to pee.
My God, I'm peeing right now.
Help me, bonbon
lady, please, help me.
Oh, come on, Marcy.
Maybe shopping will
make you feel better.
Well, it would if my
income tax would come.
By the way,
do you know that your
dog is wetting the floor?
Yeah, but in his defense,
at least he wasn't
aiming for the toilet.
You know, I feel really
good about this biology exam.
I mean, with all this
knowledge of animals,
maybe I'll be a veteran.
It's not veteran.
It's vegetarian.
God, you're smart.
Gosh, you're wonderful.
I have to go
upstairs for a minute.
Daddy, will you
entertain Chad for me?
Certainly, pumpkin.
She's beautiful, isn't she?
Yes... she certainly is.
What do you think
you're doing, Chad?
You missed football
practice today.
There was practice today?
Man, time just stops
when I'm with Kelly.
Chad, you do not want Kelly.
From the moment
she was conceived,
she's ruined men's lives.
All men.
Swaggart, Bakker, Kennedy...
Kennedy, Kennedy...
Swaggart again.
Please don't
make me relive this!
But... but, Mr. Bundy,
Kelly is very special to me,
and it's not just
a physical thing.
Well, it's mostly physical.
Listen to me, Chad.
You must forget about Kelly
and concentrate on the game.
Chad?
Chad?
If I was 20 years younger
and didn't have a
20-pound bonbon in my belly,
I'd play that game myself!
What game?
Hi, Chad.
Hi, Kelly.
I missed you so much.
I'll never leave you again.
Oh, except when I have
to go to the bathroom.
Oh, Kelly.
Oh, Chad.
So I'm out $17.34.
So I'll just take it from
the register tomorrow.
Al, you're the greatest.
When I told my bookie
this inside information,
he bet 100 grand
of his own money.
Even the jukebox
guys are in on it.
With their 500 grand,
my 200, and your $17.34,
we're gonna make a killing.
You're gonna be a hero, Al.
You're gonna be kibble, Al.
Now, pumpkin, I want you to know
that I'm very fond of Chad,
and I know that you're
very happy with him.
But I think maybe it's time
you started seeing other guys.
Daddy, I do see other guys.
They're everywhere.
I see them driving, I see them
walking, I see them at the park.
Pumpkin, that's not
what Daddy meant.
I meant, I think it's
time you started to...
to date other guys.
Daddy, I am mature enough
to make my own decisions,
and if you do anything to
stand between me and Chad,
I am gonna hold my
breasts until I turn blue.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
If Chad is what you want,
I will not stand in your way.
I said if Chad is what you want,
I will not stand in your way!
Well, glory be.
Pumpkin, look!
It's your old
boyfriend Stab Wound.
Hey, Stab! Well,
what're you doin' here?
Well, you called, remem...
Ah, how long has it been, Stab?
About five years?
Three. Good behavior.
Come on in here.
Kelly, you remember
Stab Wound, don't ya?
S-say hello, Kelly.
Get out.
Okay.
Well, that was 20
bucks well spent.
All right, look, pumpkin,
I'm gonna level with you.
At tomorrow's game,
there's gonna be
some very powerful men
who will not breathe easy
until Chad wins the game.
Well, maybe if they
used both nostrils,
they'd breathe easier
in the first place.
Pumpkin, do you
wanna go trolling
in Lake Michigan for your Daddy?
- No.
- All right.
Then you have to make
sure that Chad's team wins.
Understand?
Chad's team has to win.
Gin. I win again.
Yeah, this sure beats
the hell out of havin' sex.
Well, I better get
off to the game.
How 'bout a kiss good-bye?
Ah, ah, ah.
No sugar until after
you win the game.
Right after?
Right after.
Man, I'm gonna smoke that team.
Oh, wait, I almost forgot.
I have a good
luck charm for you.
Daddy, is it okay?
It's fine, pumpkin.
Oh, good. C'mon.
Now, wait here.
It's a surprise.
Ah, I gotta hand it to you, Al.
Now I'm gonna be
able to prove to Marcy
that I am financially
responsible.
Where is Marcy?
In jail.
She slapped an IRS agent
for not giving her
a refund check.
Okay. Here it is.
This is your good-luck charm?
Yeah. His name is Skittles.
And as long as he's near you,
nothing bad can happen to you.
Here.
Wait!
The pig is my good-luck charm.
That's my evil giraffe, Gonzar!
Chad!
Chad!
Say something, Chad!
I think I broke my arm.
Say something else!
I know I broke my arm.
Al! The bet!
What are we gonna do?
And that's the final score:
The Tremaine Jacksons 56,
The Sonora Screaming
Desert Tortoises... three.
We did it! We did it!
I'm rich!
And how about that performance
from the Windy City
Condoms player of the game,
the quarterback, Chad Dowling.
Chad, come on over here, buddy.
Let me talk to you.
Now you threw for
five touchdown passes,
you ran for two more.
You've set a new
collegiate record.
Tell me, what are
you gonna do now?
Well...
I'm goin' to Disneyland.
Hey, I got my income tax refund
and I want to blow it all.
How much for a subscription
to Hot New Boats?
Gee, that's a little steep.
You gonna have an
issue of Hot New Hooters?
Hello?
Hello?!
You know, Al, I know how
you could spend that refund.
I saw this nice bonbon maker
on the Home Shopping Network.
It would make
my life a lot easier.
Peg, if your life
was any easier,
you'd be in an
urn in the garage.
You know, you're
gonna change your tune
when my homemade
bonbons go national.
I've even got a slogan:
"Put a Wenker in your mouth."
No offense, but I wanted
to use my maiden name.
You should use your
mother's maiden name.
"Put an entire side
of beef in your mouth."
All right, Al, now
close your eyes.
I want you to tell me which one
of these bonbons you like better.
I'm not gonna tell
you which one is mine.
Okay.
Not bad.
Okay.
Now...
This one.
So, what do you think?
Well, it's... got a lot of tang.
Well, it should.
I used a whole jar of it.
Oh...
All right now, Al.
Tell me what you
think, and be honest.
Don't quit your day couch, Peg.
You suck.
I'm gonna go find Marcy,
get a woman's opinion.
Why, does she know one?
Hey, Al.
Look, I really need to talk...
Hey, Jefferson,
come here a minute.
I want you to try
one of my homemade bonbons.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Where is it?
In this meteorite?
Mmm...
Fruity...
Light.
It's the most delicious thing...
Peg's gone.
What's new?
Al, you gotta help me.
I have done something terrible.
I know, I was at the wedding.
Not that.
You know how
Marcy's always saying
I'm irresponsible with money?
You mean because you
haven't had a job in three years.
Just because I'm a house-husband
doesn't mean I don't work.
Excuse me, Mr. Jefferson,
I have ironed your socks.
May I please have my
five minutes for lunch now?
Uh... no.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm in real trouble, Al.
See, I wanted to prove to Marcy
that I was good with money.
So, when her $3,000
tax refund came in,
I took it, and I invested it.
In what?
Clothes.
Look, Al, I've only got
a couple of hundred left.
I need a good
solid 15-to-one shot.
Well, it's a 15-to-one shot
the next time I'm havin' sex,
Peg'll ruin it by
walkin' in on me.
Ah, no, not good enough.
I need a sure bet.
Well, it's a sure bet
that this time next year,
Marcy'll be a member
of the Hair Club For Men.
Ah, forget it.
I'll just ask somebody who
knows more about money
than a shoe salesman.
Yo! Paperboy!
Dad...
I gotta ask you a question.
Because we get horny and
don't have the sense to say no.
No.
Not... not that question, Dad.
Well, that's the only one
I have an answer to, son.
Dad, why is life so unfair?
I mean, I go to college
and get good grades.
Yes, you do, son.
I'm certainly good-looking.
Yet some imbecile
football player
with the I.Q. of Buck gets
girls while I get nothing.
The secret of attracting
the opposite sex
is in the mutual
sniffing of butt.
Bud, let me tell you something.
I was once that imbecile.
I was once that football player.
And if it makes
you feel any better,
I am what becomes of them.
Have jobs like mine,
houses like mine,
children like mine.
I am your revenge.
So, you'd trade places with me?
Are you kidding?
I'm gonna get ready.
Chad's gonna be here in a
few minutes to get tutored.
The pig says... oink.
Today's biology.
Thank you, ladies.
Thank you, ladies.
It's time for my lesson now.
But I'll be walki"
home in an hour.
Don't you hate women hangin'
all over you everywhere you go?
Good thing we're at our
sexual peak, hey, Buddy?
Sure is.
Chad Dowling.
Tremaine's All-Star quarterback.
Yes, sir.
Pleasure to meet you, son.
Al Bundy.
I hope you don't mind
me calling you son.
Ah, no offense, uh...
Bud.
Bud, yeah.
Uh...
I'm sure my son Bud here
has told you all about me.
Al Bundy. Polk High.
Four touchdowns in one game.
Actually, he told me
more about his real father...
The Green Beret who got
lost in that recon mission
over in 'Nam.
Yeah, well, his real mother,
the late Totie Fields,
took that hard...
Took that real hard.
Well, come on.
Let's sit down, son.
Let's talk a little football.
Ah, excuse me, Dad...
You know, Mr. Bundy,
if you're such a fan
you oughta come to our
homecoming game this weekend.
We're playing
our traditional rival,
the Sonora Screaming
Desert Tortoises.
Hey, I hear they're
tough this year.
Hey, Chad, we got
a lot of work to do...
Anyway, you oughta be
there. We're gonna kill 'em.
You're that good, huh?
No.
Probably shouldn't
tell you this, but...
l just found out their quarterback's
gonna be out on academic probation.
Man, if we were allowed
to cash in the free cars
the alumni gave us and bet,
I'd put the farm on this one.
Especially before
the word gets out.
The cow says... moo.
What is it, Al?
- Jefferson.
- Yeah?
- Look over there. You see that kid?
- Yeah.
That's your 15-to-one shot.
If a cow says moo,
does a moose say cow?
What am I betting, that
one day, he'll sell shoes?
That's Chad Dowling,
Tremaine's All-Star quarterback.
He told me that the quarterback
for the opposing team
is out on probation
and won't play
in the big game on Saturday,
but the best part is...
nobody knows about it yet.
Are you sure about this, Al?
Because if you're not,
Marcy's gonna hurt me bad.
Jefferson, you think I would bet
my $17.34 tax
refund if I wasn't sure?
I don't know much,
but I know football.
You're right on both counts.
Oh, Al, you're the best
friend I've ever had.
I gotta go call my bookie.
Okay, Chad, look, we
covered a lot of ground today,
so just go home and
get some rest, all right?
Yeah, I'm beat.
It's like when you've had
so much sex you can barely...
Just... just get out, okay?
It was nice to meet
you, Mr. Bundy.
And by the way, why didn't
you ever play college ball?
Well, that's a long,
sad story, Chad.
Excuse us.
It was 20 years ago.
Polk High's big game.
My girlfriend at the time...
Well, later it became my wife,
but that's another tragic tale.
Had this little habit
of shouting at me
while I was in the game.
Of course I hated that,
so of course she
shouted at me one time
when a 300-pound line-backer
was barreling down on me.
When I came to, I had two
kids and was sellin' shoes.
Whoa, tough luck.
Well, but I bounced right back.
I mean, when I'm 65, I'll
get the golden shoe horn.
Which I can sharpen
and fall onto when I'm 66.
So what I'm tryi"
to say, son, is...
learn from my mistakes.
Don't ever let a woman
take over your life.
Oh, you don't have to
worry about me, Mr. Bundy.
I'm way too young
to fall in love.
Hey, Daddy, guess what?
Oh, pumpkin?
Oh, Chad?
Oh, no!
So, anyway, Marcy, I just
tripled a few of the ingredients.
Well, actually, I
tripled the sugar
and added a little
bit more caffeine.
So, tell me, do you
think it's too much?
No, I think they're
great. Give me more!
I don't care what the scientists
say about sugar, they lie.
I hate them. I hate them all.
Al's home! Al's home!
I hate you. Welcome home, Al.
How was your day?
I've had a great day.
Still haven't gotten my
tax refund. It'll come soon.
It's gonna be a big one. Have
you tasted Peggy's bonbons?
Gee, I wonder what's
on TV tonight. It's Sunday.
Oh no, Carlin's on.
Al's home. Hi, Al.
Who put the battery in
the energizer chicken?
Gee, maybe I made
this batch a tad too sweet.
Here, Buck, what do you think?
Peg, have you seen
Kelly and Chad?
Yeah. They went to the zoo.
Yeah, but I heard he
missed practice today.
- So?
- So!
Peg, don't you understand,
if Chad doesn't win...
You know, it's not gonna be a
pretty sight when she crashes.
Or when he does.
I'm gonna kill 'em.
I'm gonna wait
till they're asleep.
Then I'm gonna kill 'em,
then I'm gonna eat 'em.
I'm gonna kill 'em, eat
'em, then bury their bones.
I knew this would happen.
Kelly's makin' it hard for Chad
to concentrate on the game.
Relax, Al.
They're just a
couple of kids in love.
They remind me of us
when we were that age.
That's exactly why I
have to put a stop to it.
I used to have such pretty hair.
Where, oh, where
is my pretty hair?
Ah, I'm gettin' old.
I knew it when I stopped
lifting my leg to pee.
My God, I'm peeing right now.
Help me, bonbon
lady, please, help me.
Oh, come on, Marcy.
Maybe shopping will
make you feel better.
Well, it would if my
income tax would come.
By the way,
do you know that your
dog is wetting the floor?
Yeah, but in his defense,
at least he wasn't
aiming for the toilet.
You know, I feel really
good about this biology exam.
I mean, with all this
knowledge of animals,
maybe I'll be a veteran.
It's not veteran.
It's vegetarian.
God, you're smart.
Gosh, you're wonderful.
I have to go
upstairs for a minute.
Daddy, will you
entertain Chad for me?
Certainly, pumpkin.
She's beautiful, isn't she?
Yes... she certainly is.
What do you think
you're doing, Chad?
You missed football
practice today.
There was practice today?
Man, time just stops
when I'm with Kelly.
Chad, you do not want Kelly.
From the moment
she was conceived,
she's ruined men's lives.
All men.
Swaggart, Bakker, Kennedy...
Kennedy, Kennedy...
Swaggart again.
Please don't
make me relive this!
But... but, Mr. Bundy,
Kelly is very special to me,
and it's not just
a physical thing.
Well, it's mostly physical.
Listen to me, Chad.
You must forget about Kelly
and concentrate on the game.
Chad?
Chad?
If I was 20 years younger
and didn't have a
20-pound bonbon in my belly,
I'd play that game myself!
What game?
Hi, Chad.
Hi, Kelly.
I missed you so much.
I'll never leave you again.
Oh, except when I have
to go to the bathroom.
Oh, Kelly.
Oh, Chad.
So I'm out $17.34.
So I'll just take it from
the register tomorrow.
Al, you're the greatest.
When I told my bookie
this inside information,
he bet 100 grand
of his own money.
Even the jukebox
guys are in on it.
With their 500 grand,
my 200, and your $17.34,
we're gonna make a killing.
You're gonna be a hero, Al.
You're gonna be kibble, Al.
Now, pumpkin, I want you to know
that I'm very fond of Chad,
and I know that you're
very happy with him.
But I think maybe it's time
you started seeing other guys.
Daddy, I do see other guys.
They're everywhere.
I see them driving, I see them
walking, I see them at the park.
Pumpkin, that's not
what Daddy meant.
I meant, I think it's
time you started to...
to date other guys.
Daddy, I am mature enough
to make my own decisions,
and if you do anything to
stand between me and Chad,
I am gonna hold my
breasts until I turn blue.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
If Chad is what you want,
I will not stand in your way.
I said if Chad is what you want,
I will not stand in your way!
Well, glory be.
Pumpkin, look!
It's your old
boyfriend Stab Wound.
Hey, Stab! Well,
what're you doin' here?
Well, you called, remem...
Ah, how long has it been, Stab?
About five years?
Three. Good behavior.
Come on in here.
Kelly, you remember
Stab Wound, don't ya?
S-say hello, Kelly.
Get out.
Okay.
Well, that was 20
bucks well spent.
All right, look, pumpkin,
I'm gonna level with you.
At tomorrow's game,
there's gonna be
some very powerful men
who will not breathe easy
until Chad wins the game.
Well, maybe if they
used both nostrils,
they'd breathe easier
in the first place.
Pumpkin, do you
wanna go trolling
in Lake Michigan for your Daddy?
- No.
- All right.
Then you have to make
sure that Chad's team wins.
Understand?
Chad's team has to win.
Gin. I win again.
Yeah, this sure beats
the hell out of havin' sex.
Well, I better get
off to the game.
How 'bout a kiss good-bye?
Ah, ah, ah.
No sugar until after
you win the game.
Right after?
Right after.
Man, I'm gonna smoke that team.
Oh, wait, I almost forgot.
I have a good
luck charm for you.
Daddy, is it okay?
It's fine, pumpkin.
Oh, good. C'mon.
Now, wait here.
It's a surprise.
Ah, I gotta hand it to you, Al.
Now I'm gonna be
able to prove to Marcy
that I am financially
responsible.
Where is Marcy?
In jail.
She slapped an IRS agent
for not giving her
a refund check.
Okay. Here it is.
This is your good-luck charm?
Yeah. His name is Skittles.
And as long as he's near you,
nothing bad can happen to you.
Here.
Wait!
The pig is my good-luck charm.
That's my evil giraffe, Gonzar!
Chad!
Chad!
Say something, Chad!
I think I broke my arm.
Say something else!
I know I broke my arm.
Al! The bet!
What are we gonna do?
And that's the final score:
The Tremaine Jacksons 56,
The Sonora Screaming
Desert Tortoises... three.
We did it! We did it!
I'm rich!
And how about that performance
from the Windy City
Condoms player of the game,
the quarterback, Chad Dowling.
Chad, come on over here, buddy.
Let me talk to you.
Now you threw for
five touchdown passes,
you ran for two more.
You've set a new
collegiate record.
Tell me, what are
you gonna do now?
Well...
I'm goin' to Disneyland.