Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 8 - Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Today is a great
day for the Bundys.

Daddy paid the water
bill. How do you do it, Al?

As overseer of the
vast Bundy fortune,

I came up with a
bold financial plan.

I sold my blood.

All right.

It is time to cut the
ceremonial ribbon.

Peg, as someone who's been

symbolically cutting
things off for years,

will you do the honours?



I declare this, the
Al Bundy faucet...

which, like its namesake,

has been dry lo these
many months, open.

Okay, here we go.

[RATTLING]

It's the water! It's the water!

Oh, Al, it's so brown
on the first day.

And crunchy too.

Now, don't waste
any of this stuff.

This crunchy stuff
is life-giving vitamins,

minerals and asbestos.

All right, who wants
Bundy iced tea?

ALL: I do! I do!

Okay, here we go.



Oh, boy.

It's like Christmas,
our birthdays

and the Fourth
of July all in one.

Toast.

To Dad's blood.

And the poor sap who got it.

[CRUNCHING]

Well, it's brown,
just like I like it.

I think I broke my tooth.

There you go.

God is good to us.

Yes, he is.

[BURPS]

Must have been a washer.

Lucky duck.

Yeah, lucky indeed.

I got lumpy water and you're
the family that loves me.

Who could ask for anything more?

I could.

And I believe it's
time for one of you

ingrown toenails to get a job.

So, can I have a volunteer?

No one? Gee, really?

Wait a second.
Something's missing.

Pretend I have money.
Everyone put their hands out.

Yep, there's a hand missing.

Uh-oh, I'm late.

Congratulations, pumpkin.
You just volunteered.

Come on, kid.
This could get ugly.

We're going to the park
to pick up some chicks.

You know the routine.

Find a girl, tell her I
saved your life in Nam,

and I no longer have any
feelings left in my hands.

The only thing that
could bring it back

is the touch of a
beautiful woman.

And that's "woman."

Let's not have any stupid
mistakes like last week, okay?

Hey, I'm six.

You should know better.

So should you.

He was carrying a cat

and singing show
tunes, for God's sakes.

Al, don't do this to my baby.

Oh, my God. He's
gonna ask me to get a job.

[SCREAMS]

Don't do this, Al.

Throughout history, Wanker
women have done nothing.

And we're proud of it.

Why, we sat on pioneer couches
at the backs of wagon trains.

We slept late
during Indian attacks,

and had our hair done while
our husbands had theirs scalped.

You know, the West is
speckled with graveyards,

filled with the bodies of men
who died before their time,

supporting Wanker women.

Don't break the chain,
Al. Don't break the chain.

Pumpkin, I have something
that I have to tell you.

Oh, my God, he is
gonna ask me to get a job.

It's okay, it's okay.
Come on, sit down.

Yes, yes, yes.

There, there, there, my
little leech, there, there.

Now, honey, let me explain
this to you by telling you

about the plough horse that
had to pull the heavy wagon.

What was the
horsey's name, Daddy?

Al.

The horsey in your story
has your name, Daddy.

Yes, he did, pumpkin.

Anyway, he pulled and he pulled.

And then on the road,

a big red cow
jumped onto the cart.

Wouldn't it be funny if the
cow's name was Peggy?

And before he knew it,

little horsey after little
horsey jumped in the cart

until poor Al
collapsed in a heap,

and died a horrible,
twitching death.

Yay!

That was a good story, Daddy.

Indeed.

But, honey, the story
doesn't have to end that way.

If a little horsey
would help out...

maybe the Al horse
could save a few bucks,

and then go to the
nudie horsey bar.

So in fact, your little story

is just a thinly
veiled allegory...

a Metamucil, if you will...

to convince me by
imagery to get a job.

How coincidental that
it should come now...

while I have been
so busy thinking about

the emptiness of my existence.

I know I must have
a greater purpose.

Maybe I should get a job.

Now, now, red cow.

Sweetheart, all I can tell
you is you're gonna love work.

I do.

[CRYING] I really don't.

So...

you think you got what it
takes to be a burger waitress?

Let's see your application.

It's blank.

Well, you got what it takes
to be a burger waitress.

So is there any training
that I have to do?

Well, let's see.

Do you know what
a plate looks like?

Excellent.

Do you know what
a table looks like?

Excellent!

Now, you take one to the other.

Do you know which one?

Well, the table would be
too heavy to take to the plate.

Ergo, as Shakespeare
said, the plate's the thing.

You are a find.

Feel good about yourself, missy.

You have chosen a
profession in which

many great Americans
have rotted away their youth.

Now, smile.

What was that for?

That's a "before" picture.

[ARETHA FRANKLIN'S "SISTERS
ARE DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES"]

♪ Sisters are doing
it For themselves ♪

[BELL RINGS]

♪ There was a time
When they used to say ♪

♪ That behind
every "Great man" ♪

♪ There had to be
A "great woman" ♪

♪ But in these times Of change ♪

♪ You know that
it's No longer true ♪

♪ So we're comin'
out Of the kitchen ♪

♪ 'Cause there's something
We have got to say ♪

♪ Sisters are doing
it For themselves ♪

♪ Standing on
their own Two feet ♪

♪ And ringin' on
their Own bells ♪

♪ Sisters are doing
it For themselves ♪

♪ Sisters are doing
it For themselves ♪

♪ Sisters are doing
it, Doing it, doing it ♪

♪ Doing it, Doing it ♪

♪ Sisters are doing
it For themselves ♪

♪ Sisters are doing
it For themselves ♪

What is "harginher"?

That's hamburger.

The H is silent, you illiteral.

Well, I assume
"flies" means fries.

Now, what is this? "Two
balls and a chick quacker"?

That's two bowls
of chicken soup...

and quackers.

Well, "ugg" on my face, eh?

Well, listen...

I just want to tell you,

you're the stupidest girl
I've had working here.

And that says a lot,
that says an awful lot.

In fact, you are one
whopping moron.

So you wanna go
out with me later?

I would rather stick my
nose in the deep fryer.

That is, if there's
enough room for it

with the mouse in there.

Hey, I worked an hour to
get half of that out of there.

Besides, the people
seem to like it.

We call them Cajun fries.

By the way, we're almost out.
Could you set a couple of traps?

And set them on
"stun," they stay fresher.

There she is!
There's my little girl.

The first Bundy woman
to have ever worked.

Jefferson, get a picture
of me and my little girl

in her place of... work.

Okay. Say "ptomaine."

Hey, didn't you take my picture
once when I was on a cruise?

I think I was with
Florence Henderson.

You think if I was really

that good-looking guy
from The Love Boat

I'd be doing this?

No, I'd be rich.

Another picture, captain?

I mean, Fonzie...? Al.

Yes, yes, one right over here.

Oh, look at this. This
is my baby's first tip.

Get a picture of this.

Now get a picture of this.

Pumpkin, I want you to know

that this is the
proudest day of my life...

and will remain so until the
day your mother leaves me.

Let's go, Jefferson.

I'll bet you can't wait until
your firstborn gets a job.

I'd like to think by the
time my first kid is born,

I'll have already been
gone eight months.

Children, this is the last stop

for our school program
"Scared Smart,"

in which we learn
that being cool

in high school does
not mean success.

To demonstrate, I give you the
former queen of our high school.

She was so pretty
and so popular,

and she dated all the male
teachers, and my husband,

and my boyfriend,
who was only 16,

but God, did he earn that A.

Anyway, she learned nothing
in five years of high school,

and you worshipped her for it.

You used to know
her as Kelly Bundy

but now she answers
to the name she'll carry

for the rest of her life.

Hey, waitress!

[ALL SCREAM]

It is Kelly Bundy! Oh, my God.

I've got to get to the library!

Well, Ms. Bundy, now
that you're a waitress,

I'd like to give you a tip: Stay
away from my new husband.

He's 18 and still peaking.

Well, he'd have to peek.

He wouldn't want
to look at it dead on.

I'm hungry.

You know the rules.

Never eat until your
sister gets home.

Now we eat!

Man, look at the
grease on this bag.

Always the sign
of a fine restaurant.

Come on there, get in there.

Oh, man. Look how much some
guy left over from his hamburger.

The sap.

Dad, want some mashed potatoes?

Yes, I would.

Well, we'll get rid of that.

Buck, will you bring
me my fuzzy slippers?

Thanks, boy.

Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't
bring you anything.

God, I did him a favour.

The only thing worse than
serving the food is eating it.

Well, these fries are delicious.

Look, this one's curly
like a mouse's tail.

I want my mommy. Where is she?

Well, your mother's kind
of sad about something.

I don't know what it's about.

I didn't ask her because
then she'd tell me.

Say hello to your daughter.

I don't have a daughter.

If I had a daughter,
she would never work.

Nobody knows the
trouble I've seen.

Nobody knows the sorrow.

Hey, food!

Daddy, I'm thinking
of quitting my job.

Pumpkin, no!

You can't quit your job.

And I say that not because
I'm giddy with nutrients,

and starting to get
feeling in my right foot.

It goes much deeper than that.

Well, then why?

For one reason, pumpkin.

Because Bundys are
losers, not quitters.

And I like to think
that I recognize

a little bit of loser in you.

Oh, Daddy.

So that's it then,
I'm a waitress.

Oh, God.

So pumpkin...

you always thought
you were meant

for something more, didn't you?

Yes.

Me too.

But we weren't.

Hey, Bundy, wanna go
to a movie with me later?

Maybe. What's playing?

Hot Buttered Me.

That's a good one.

Oh, my God. What am I saying?

What did I almost just do?

What have I become?
What is to become of me?

What am I sitting in?

What is the meaning of life?
What is being and nothingness?

Why is everyone staring at me?

Oh, that's right.

Because when I talk like
this, people can hear me.

When I talk like...

[MOUTHING] I'm talking now

people don't hear me. I
have to remember that.

Hi, honey.

I came to tell you
that I have forgiven you

for the terrible
thing you've done.

You mean working?

Now, we don't have
to say that word.

Just save that kind
of bad language

for when you're hanging around
street corners with the boys.

It's enough to say,
"A mother forgives."

Oh, great hair.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

No, no, no, honey,

what you're doing
now is thinking.

When thinking makes
sounds in your throat,

then you're talking.

[MOUTHING]

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you.

You weren't supposed
to, I was thinking.

Oh, you have really grown up.

Excuse me, aren't
you Kelly Bundy?

Actually, I'm her
younger sister.

Wow, you must
have had a wild life.

Not lately.

I'm Kelly Bundy.

Wow, you must
have had a wild life.

Well, not lately.

So, what can I do for you?

Well, you were always my idol.

I thought you might help me.

See, I've been grounded
and I've got this party to go to

and every kid in town with
a tattoo is gonna be there.

Ah, the Rodriguez affair.

Yeah.

But I can't go, and if I
don't, I'll be socially dead.

You must go.

Mom, she's grounded.

And it is wrong to
openly defy your parents.

You're gonna have to sneak out.

But what if they check my room?

Well, before you sneak
out, just tell your mother

that she's starting to
look like your father,

and then tell your father
that it's that time of the month,

you've got cramps
and you wanna talk.

Believe me, no one's
gonna check your room,

talk to you or look
at you for days.

Oh, wow, you're a genius.
How do you know all this?

How does the turkey
know how to fly?

He just knows.

I am so proud of you.

Why?

Well, two reasons.

First of all, during all this.

These people have
been starving for food

and you've just ignored them.

I think I see a little
bit of Peggy in you.

Second thing, honey,

is I think you have
finally found your calling.

Why, this diner is
like a husband to you.

It gives you shelter and money,

and you don't have to
do anything to earn either.

So this just might be the answer
to my quest for the holy pail.

My purpose is to pass on
my experience and knowledge

to the young.

Serving a burger with a
side of wisdom, if you will.

It's nice to know that despite
the fact that you've got parents

and teachers and
brothers and sisters

and friends and
guidance counsellors,

policemen and priests,

that there is somebody that you
can go to when you need help.

And that someone is Kelly
Bundy, philosopher waitress.

Hey, where's my food?

Drop dead.

And stay in school.

Okay, I'm gonna answer
your questions in order.

Sandy, always
bring a toothbrush,

because you can cheat on your
boyfriend, but not on your gums.

Miss Parker, if you insist on
going out with 18-year-olds,

have enough sense to bring
along your own protection.

Safety is everyone's
responsibility.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Good luck, girls.

Here you go, sir.

♪ Sisters are doing
it For themselves ♪

♪ Standing on
their Own two feet ♪

♪ And ringing on
their Own bells ♪

♪ Sisters are doing
it For themselves ♪

♪ Sisters are doing
it For themselves ♪

♪ Sisters are doing
it, Doing it, doing it ♪

♪ Sisters are doing
it For themselves ♪