Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 9 - Rock of Ages - full transcript

When his paycheck is taken by bill collectors, Al decides to do something with his non-life: he enters a shoe selling contest and wins. The prize is a first class ticket to Hawaii which the family turns into four stand-by's. After dumping Seven off with the D'Arcys, the Bundys travel to Chicago's O'Hare Airport where in an surprising twist, Al masquerades as an aging 1960s rock star, named 'Axel Bundy' from the group 'Shoes and Socks' in which they hob-nob into the first class lounge with six famous musicians, Richie Havens, Spencer Davis, John Sebastian, Robby Krieger, Peter Noone, and Mark Lindsay.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, here comes Daddy.

How do I look?

Terrific, Mom. Good.

You know, every
payday I like Daddy

to see what his
last check went for.

[LAUGHS]

Assume the position.

Hi. Nice to see you.
Good to be back.

If anyone needs me,
I'll be on the couch.

Goodbye. So long.
Don't write. Don't call.



Al, perhaps you didn't see us.

I think he's playing dumb.

No, honey. I've
known him for years.

He's not playing.

Where's the money, Al?

Oh, I got robbed.

I was driving home
and I drove by the bank,

and the street was cordoned off.

So I knew I shouldn't
get out of the car, but I did,

and that's when they jumped me.

Muggers, Al?

Worse. Bankers.

Bill collectors,
electric-company reps,

that wiry little woman
from the water company.



They were all there.

They threw me down,
forced a pen in my hand

and made me pay
bills against my will.

I felt so violated.

But I fought like a wildcat

and I think I felt a toe
snap when I bit through

that water-company
babe's penny loafer.

And that gas guy's
gonna be reading meters

out of one eye for a while.

Well, you know,
this is my own fault.

The organ grinder
who owns the monkey

doesn't let him have the check.

[CHUCKLES]

You're the organ
grinder, all right.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Hey, what's this? [SNEEZES]

Well, it was my handkerchief.

Here, boy.

Good boy.

Hey, kids, look at this.

It's a brochure announcing a
monthly shoe-sales contest.

And the winner gets a
free first-class trip to Hawaii.

Well, that's fine
for the winner,

but what would Dad get?

[ALL LAUGH]

So you bowel-constricting
vampires I call loved ones

think I couldn't possibly
be a winner, huh?

ALL: No. Not really.

Oh, sure, I pulled the handle
on the slot machine of life

and come up with prune, lemon
and the, uh, lonely Mr. Cherry.

But I was a high-school hero.

And I can do it again.

Any man who can
score four touchdowns

in a single game,

after a night with
your mother, Oh.

Is surely capable of new glory.

Al Bundy will win this
contest and go to Hawaii.

First class.

How come the winner
only gets one ticket?

Otherwise he'd
have to take his wife.

Where's the incentive there?

Here he comes.

He's coming in for a pit stop.

Sold 24 pair of shoes,
and I'm in third place.

Shower me.

Squeegee me.

Shoe me.

Fratella's in second
place, but I can take him.

He goes home at
night to visit his wife.

The sap still loves her.

Luckily I don't
have that problem.

[ALL LAUGH]

No time for frivolity.

Freshen me.

Shirt me.

Shoe me.

Get away from me.

I am now ready to sell.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That should be Marcy
coming to buy shoes.

The strangest
thing just happened.

I was taking a shower,

and someone broke in
and stole all my shoes.

How odd.

I only hope that
this is not a night

in which you need shoes.

Well, you know she
does, Al, I told you.

We have a big, important dinner

with the bank
president, remember?

Marcy was in the shower, you
told me my hair was a mess,

so of course, I
ran off to fix it.

When I came back, you were gone.

You must have just
missed the burglar.

Anyway, uh, hey, how's my hair?

Soft, yet manageable.

Now, Marcy, as a friend
who's also in the business,

let me fix you up with
a nice pair of shoes.

Now just sit down right here
and put your feet in my hands.

You're not gonna look
up my dress, are you?

I'm not going through
the rest of my life blind

just to sell you shoes.

Now, here, let me show
you a very nice set of pumps.

Two-inch heels,
which, by coincidence,

match your dress exactly.

They're perfect. I'll take them.

Fine. That'll be $500.

Five hundred dollars?

Well, they came in a six-pack.

Apparently, they
were a family of cats

and we were asked
not to separate them.

But, uh, trust me. They
weren't killed for shoes.

They were all run over by cars.

That must be where
they get Hush Puppies.

Oh, spare me. Just
give me the shoes.

I'm tired of looking
at myself in your head.

Come on, Jefferson, we're late.

And, remember, after dinner,

when they serve the
cigars and brandy,

you go in the other
room with the wives.

All right, but I better get a
phone book for my pants

'cause every time
it's the same thing.

The lights accidentally go out

and I'm the helpless
victim of a gang-goose.

Look, those people are
important to my career.

You'll take it
and like it, missy.

Marcy, come on.
I need some help.

The wind has picked up.

Could be disastrous
for my hair. You know.

Ow!

Mom. You know what I'm thinking?

That we should go upstairs
and split up Marcy's shoes?

No, I was just wondering
what I was thinking,

'cause I forgot.

Hi, Dad.

This is Petal.

It's part of a flower.

Isn't she great? I met
her in Quantum Physics.

Hold my calls.

There never are any, son.

Never mind that now, Dad.

See you tomorrow.

AL: Uh, young lady!

Young lady, you do realize

that's my son's
bedroom you're going to?

Yes. Heh.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, nice shoes.

Dad, don't.

No, Dad. Dad, no!

Come on, Bud. Get over it.

What is one girl in the
grand scheme of your life?

Just your only chance.

Oh, come on, you're
not alone in this.

I myself have never had
a woman, and I'm fine.

And neither has Mom.

And lately, neither
has your father.

Family.

Bask in the glory.

I did it.

I won the contest.

You're looking at the shoe
salesman of the month.

I'm going to
Hawaii. First class.

And you know what
they have in first class?

Unlimited peanuts.

And a passenger-lavatory
ratio of only six to one.

Gee, I'm gonna miss you guys.

Well, hang onto your
hemorrhoids, honey.

I have news for you.

I called the airlines and
there's been a change of plans.

I traded your first-class
ticket in for four standbys.

We're all going
to Hawaii together.

And, Dad...

it was my idea.

Oh, that was so smart.

Well, standby isn't too bad.

I mean, how long can
they possibly make us wait?

Well, I checked on Seven.

Marcy found him
where we left him.

In her guest room.

She said she'd look after him.

She's just amazed by the things

that happen when
she's in the shower.

Well, what about Buck?

Oh, I took care of that.

I opened up six cans of dog food

and I told him to
only eat one each day.

And I could tell by the
way he dug into that first can

that he understood completely.

Some man...

or men...

are gonna be very lucky
to have you one day.

MAN [OVER P.A.]: Attention,
ladies and gentlemen.

In the first-class lounge,

the champagne is now 42 degrees.

And, as always,
unlimited peanuts

are now being served.

First class.

Champagne. Peanuts
flowing like wine.

That was supposed to be me.

Welcome to the
first-class lounge.

May I see your ticket, sir?

[LAUGHS]

This is standby.

You embarrass me and yourself.

Excuse me. Hey.

It's John Sebastian.

Believe in magic, buddy.

I, uh, seem to
have lost my ticket.

Oh, it doesn't
matter, Mr. Sebastian.

We know you. Go right in.

As always, the
peanuts are unlimited.

Life is good.

I should have
said I lost my ticket.

Wouldn't have done any good.

You're not a rock star.

Oh, Richie Havens. Welcome, sir.

Thank you.

Spencer Davis. Good to see you.

Robby Krieger. I love The Doors.

Oh, Mark Lindsay,
always a pleasure.

Thank you.

Peter Noone. Please, come in.

Hey, man. Groovy
there. Right on.

Peace, love, and women
shouldn't have to cook, man.

Dig it, I'm hip.

Try to keep the groupies
off me if you can.

Uh, excuse me, excuse me.

Ticket, please.

Well, uh, must've
left it in the limo.

Rock 'n' roll always forgets.

I'm sorry, sir, but I
don't recognize you.

You'll need a ticket.

Um...

Sebastian. John, my man.

Come here.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, how you doing?

There you go.

How they hanging,
fellow rock bro?

Well, let's just say I can
find 'em when I need 'em.

Uh, wha...

Uh, Axle. Axle Bundy.

You know, from, uh... From
Shoes and Socks, remember?

San Francisco, 1969.

I don't remember
too much about 1969.

Who does?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah.

But seriously, you
must remember me

from the big concert last year.

Live Aid. Uh...

Lemonade. Uh...

Kool-Aid, Ice
Capade. One of those.

Yeah, I-I remember.

Uh, Peter, uh, look who's here.

Wow.

Who's he?

Axle Bundy?

Oh, Axle, great.
Hey, I'm a big fan.

I've got one of your records.
You remember, the one that sold?

Have you still got

that tambourine-playing
wife in your band?

Still screeches
horrible backup vocals.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, you must be, uh...

Just call me yours.

Yeah, and we're, uh,
Bombshell and Troll.

Hey, fab. Hey, come on in.

Unlimited peanuts
for all in here.

Hey, you got
something on your tie...

[HOOTS]

Sandwiches.

Could you imagine
living like this all the time?

No wonder Fergie's
such a piglet.

Could life be any grander?

Who'd have thunk it?

Living it up with
the geezers of rock.

Speaking of geezers,

son, have you seen your mother?

No, but if she's anywhere
on this stewardess,

I'll find her.

You are who I think of when
I have sex with my husband.

You are who I think of when
I have sex with my husband.

You are who I think of when
I have sex with my husband.

You are who I think of when I...

[LAUGHS]

When I clean up the
floor around the toilet.

Hey, Axle, come on
and join us over here.

We're jamming.

Yeah, come on, man.

It wouldn't be a
jam without, uh...

Who is that guy?

The name's, uh, Awful
Grungy or something.

I don't... I don't know him.

But I know that's Peggy,

and I believe we
all remember her.

I think I remember him.

Didn't he use to
be the fifth Monkee?

Hey, Ankle, we're
waiting on you. Come on.

Come on, Daddy, you
never play at home.

Oh, I don't know.

Hey, fellow rock bros.

MAN: Hey.

I just had me a groupie.

All right.

Hey, why don't you jam with us.

No. Mm-mm.

Come on, Al, for
old time's sake.

[MUFFLED HUMMING]

[GUITAR PLAYS THE
BLUES, AL HUMMING BLUES]

[GUITAR PLAYS]

[HUMMING BLUES]

[IMITATING HARMONICA]

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Hey, man, where'd you
learn to play pastrami like that?

A little after-hours
deli on the South Side.

Wild, man. You got cold
cuts in your blood, man.

By the way, a little
mustard on your pants.

MAN [OVER P.A.]: Flight 107 to
Tucson now boarding: Gate 4A.

Well...

come on, time to go.

Say goodbye to first-class Axle

and hello to standby Al.

Hey, Axle.

Where you going?

Forgot my ticket.

Ticket? You don't need a
ticket. Everybody knows you.

Yeah, come on. We got the
whole first-class compartment

all to ourselves.

And we're doing a benefit

and we need all the big
stars we can get, Axle.

Yeah, there aren't
many bigger stars

than you, uh, Maxwell.

Come on, we need your
blue-eyed, bad-wigged soul.

Gee, why not, Al?

It'd be just like singing
in the shower. Heh.

If you sang.

Or showered.

MAN: Come on.

Oh, all right. Let's go.

ALL: Yeah.

Wait a second, wait a second.

I need Lucille.

MAN: Take no
prisoners. AL: Peanuts!

MAN [ON TV]: All right. And now,

as promised,

the world premiere
of the superstar video

for Old Aid.

[♪♪♪]

ALL: ♪ We are the old ♪

♪ We've got arthritis ♪

♪ Our gums are weak ♪

♪ So weak ♪

ALL: ♪ From gingivitis ♪

♪ We are the old ♪

♪ We've got arthritis ♪

ALL: ♪ We are the
ones Who wear bifocals ♪

♪ And have bursitis ♪

♪ There are people younger ♪

♪ But we heed another call ♪

♪ We really need the money ♪

♪ Our accountants took it all ♪

♪ We sing to you ♪

♪ Those who have money ♪

♪ Once we was cool ♪

♪ But now we just dress funny ♪

♪ We need your help ♪

♪ So please, please dig deep ♪

♪ Don't call after 10 ♪

♪ 'Cause we'll be asleep ♪

♪ We have Medicare ♪

♪ And anti-gas pills ♪

♪ But without your help ♪

♪ We can't pay
Our alimony bills ♪

Take it, Axle.

[IMITATING HARMONICA]

ALL: ♪ We are the old ♪

ALL: ♪ They are the old ♪

♪ We have arthritis ♪

♪ They have arthritis ♪

♪ Once we were gods ♪

♪ Now golf excites us ♪

Golf excites 'em.

♪ So write a check ♪

A really big one.

♪ For our December ♪

♪ There's one more verse ♪

♪ But we can't remember ♪

[ALL HUMMING]

MAN: Sing the song, John.

ALL: ♪ La-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

MAN: One more time!

[♪♪♪]