Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 4 - Al on the Rocks - full transcript
When Peggy uses up the monthly mortgage to pay Seven's doctor bill, Al is forced to take a second job bar-tending at a topless bar, but its a male strip club where the bartender and all other men are topless. Al enjoys his job, but when Jefferson covers for Al for one day, he takes Al's job. Meanwhile, Peggy starts banning Kelly and Bud from the house to protect Seven from their germs.
[♪♪♪]
[INAUDIBLE SPEECH]
[YAWNS]
What time is it?
Three-thirty.
A.m. or b.m.?
B.m.
You know, I don't know
why they call it b.m.
I mean, why don't they
call it p.m. for postmeridian?
God, sometimes I feel
like I am the last bastion
of good sense on this
forsaken outpost of humanity.
By the way, are my
shoes on the right feet?
No.
Oh, so that's why they hurt.
Where's Mom?
She's out with Seven.
He sneezed, Mom panicked
and she took him to the doctor.
Doctor? She never
took us to the doctor.
I remember I had a
109-degree temperature
and all she did
was bleach my hair.
It's because her
Mom always told her,
"Bleach a cold, raise a beaver."
Gee, I thought it was,
"Feed a pimple, raise a troll."
[CHUCKLES]
Cush, cush, cush,
my little sweetness.
Look, honey, it's Al's children.
[LAUGHS]
Hi, Mom. Everything
go all right?
Oh, God, what an ordeal.
I took Seven to a
dozen specialists.
They all agreed he just sneezed.
[CHUCKLES]
You can't put a price
on that kind of news.
Of course, those
doctors sure did,
but I guess I just overreacted.
I won't make that mistake again.
[SNEEZES]
Get out of my house.
Get out of here before
you infect this child.
Mom, it was just a feather
on the end of my nose.
Well, that's what they said
when the Black Plague started.
Now, I'll have
none of that here.
Just wait outside
till it passes.
Gee, Bud, sometimes
life's a girl, huh?
[LAUGHS]
And I want you out too.
Why me?
You were talking to Bud.
You might have been infected.
Mom. It's freezing out there.
Gee, then I better
shut the door.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, hi, Buck. We're home.
Now you can play with Seven.
Oh, my God, I'd better sneeze.
[SNEEZES]
Oh.
[BUCK CHUCKLES]
I can just feel the mommy in me.
[GIGGLES]
You'll talk to Mom
about letting us back in?
Yeah, sure.
Hi, Daddy. I had a question,
but Mommy said to ask you.
Where do babies come from?
Well, generally speaking,
a six-pack and two
horny teenagers.
He's only kidding.
He really has no idea.
Now, go play with
Daddy's pennies,
but don't lose any.
They're for our retirement.
Okay.
Daddy, what's retirement?
Uh, it's what men
do when they die
and women do when they marry.
Oh, honey, feeling
a little glum?
Well, this will cheer you up.
You know you're always
saying that if I want money
I should get it myself?
Well, today I needed money
to pay Seven's doctor bills.
Get ready to be proud of me.
All by myself,
I took cash that was
sitting doing nothing
out of that pretty red envelope.
You mean, the one in the mailbox
addressed to our mortgage
company, Eviction Trust?
Well, I wouldn't know
about that, honey.
When I open envelopes
not addressed to me,
I just take the money.
But I never read them.
I feel that would be
an invasion of privacy.
Ha-ha. And yet you have no
problem living in my bedroom.
Peg, don't you see, the
envelope was a pretty red one
because the bank
is a little mad at us
because we haven't paid
them low these many months.
But on the good
side, we'll be moving
to a roomier space now.
It goes by the name outside.
Uh... Are we ever gonna
be let back in the house?
No, kids. None of us are.
For, you see, Mommy spent
all of our mortgage money.
Well, Al, you'll just
have to do something.
All right. I will.
[SCREAMS]
I want my mommy!
[SCREAMS]
I don't want no excuses. I
want that five bucks you owe me.
I don't care. I'll see
you in prison, Mom.
Deadbeat.
Got to get a second job.
I got to get something
to pay for all this.
All right, here we go.
Whew. Hey, Al. Came
over to borrow some ice,
but I'll just chip
it off your kids.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, ooh. The want ads.
Husband's second worst fear.
The first of course is hearing,
"Oh, God. What am I
supposed to do with that?
It scares me."
[GIGGLES]
But you get over that fear
after a thousand
women have said it.
Let me ask you something. What?
How does Marcy let you
get away with not working?
Well, Al, I'll tell you.
Whenever the subject comes up
I just give her a ride
on the old Jefferson Airplane.
Yep. Yep.
Help us.
I can't. I'm a Republican.
Well, hey, here's my
little frequent flier now.
Jefferson, where have you been?
You know what a difficult
day I was going to have
and all I asked was for you
to fix me a bath and some supper
and serve it to me
in your bicycle shorts.
But you did absolutely nothing.
Nothing?
Do you think that my skin
is naturally this smooth?
It takes work, baby.
Hey, that is pretty smooth.
Hey, you wanna tell Peg
what you're using here?
Oh, this is intoxicating.
Well, thanks, Al.
Well, thank you.
Oh, please. Now, listen, missy.
I am through paying
for your fanny buffs.
Do you mind getting your
hands off my husband.
And you.
It's time you got
your little apple butt
in gear and got a job.
Well, why don't we talk
about this at home, Marcy.
Hearken. I think I hear
your flight boarding right now.
We'll have you strapped
in in a minute, baby.
Oh, well, all right.
But we are gonna
talk about this job thing.
Oh, yeah. Feel this, Marcy.
Oh, my goodness.
What was I saying?
Oh, well. It couldn't
have been important.
Listen, I'm gonna go home
and get ready for takeoff.
Get a wax, baby.
You never look back.
All right, let's see here.
[GRUNTS]
"No education, no experience
and no drive necessary."
Now, what kind of
stupid job could that...
Oh, yeah, a shoe salesman.
Hey, here's one:
"Bartender in a topless bar."
Well, I think I
could handle that.
All it takes is
a little maturity,
and as we know, I
am a mature man.
[GIGGLES]
I'm gonna see boobies.
Hi. You the boss?
Yeah.
What can I do for
you, sweet cheeks?
Well, for one thing,
you can look at my face
when you're talking to me.
And for another, I'm
here for the bartending job.
You'll do.
You'll do just fine.
Hot doggy!
When do all the
topless babes get here?
Oh, my God, it's not you, is it?
No, it's not me.
It's you.
Hey, bartender, let's
hurry up with those drinks!
Oh. He's shy.
Let's see it, baby. Honk, honk.
Well, if you've got it, trot it.
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMING]
[SNEEZES]
[CLEARS THROAT]
What's your temperature?
This long.
Kel, that's not how you do it.
It's not how long it is.
Yeah, right.
Or how smart it is.
Let's see what the
thermometer says.
Kelly, this is a
meat thermometer.
Well, what am I supposed
to do? I'm not a fish.
Kel, you don't look so good.
You're not gonna pass
out, or anything, are you?
No.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
Mom, I think Kelly
passed out from her fever.
Oh, my.
Well, after I feed Seven,
I'll bleach her hair.
How does it feel, Peg?
To get for free what
every other woman
in Chicago has to pay for.
Go ahead, touch it, Peg.
Touch the tush that
set Chicago afire.
Well, if you don't mind.
And now on to you, honey.
Tell me, is that
money in your pants
or are you, uh...?
Well, let's face it.
It could only be money.
Yep. There's
another kind of green
in my underwear now, Peg.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God, Al.
After all these years
of experimenting
you've finally found something
to do with your pelvic area.
Wait, Peg, there's more.
Oh, Al, you've been
saying that for years.
I think it's time we just
dropped the senseless charade.
But it's fine,
honey. Really it is.
It's better than fine, Peg.
It gives change.
[COINS CLINK]
[LAUGHS]
Peg. Yeah, I feel
good. Yeah, I do.
I quit my shoe job, Peg.
No time for it, really.
Don't regret the shoe
business, though.
'Twas a pleasant
little interlude
until I found my true calling:
Shakin' Al Junior and the...
Pips.
[MOANS]
You know, Al, I...
I'm not sure, but I...
Think I might have just had one.
Hey.
Mary.
Doris.
Beth.
Al, these are other
women's phone numbers.
I don't know if I like this.
[CHUCKLES]
Do I see the redheaded
monster of jealousy?
Well, I don't know.
Should I be jealous?
Well,
yes.
I mean, look what
they're all seeing, Peg.
The same thing God saw in
his imagination when he said,
"Let there be man."
But, Peg, as ugly
as these women are,
I still come home to you.
I don't know, honey.
I love this money,
and I know those women are ugly
but, you know, the truth
is, I'm not a very good wife.
I don't do anything for you.
What if these other women
finally started paying
attention to you?
It's a long shot, but I
can't take that chance.
I want you to quit.
Oh, Peg. It's hard
to tell these to quit.
[GIGGLES]
What's the matter? Nothing.
I just had a Village
People flashback.
People pay to see me like this.
Oh, okay, so will I.
Here's a dollar.
Sing "YMCA."
[GIGGLES]
No, wait, here's $2.
Put a shirt on. I can't
stand to see you topless.
Well, at least people
know when I'm topless.
My back has bigger
breasts than you.
No, your front has
bigger breasts than me.
You leave my Alsy alone.
He has to dress like
this for his second job.
Second job?
Jefferson, don't you think
it's time you got a first job?
Yeah, okay, Marcy, come on.
Let's go do the "Oh, Jefferson."
Fine. Oh, Jefferson, get a job.
You may be cuter than I am
but it's time you started
pulling your own
weight around here.
I mean, if I wanted
peanuts, I'd fly Delta.
Look, Al, you gotta help me.
Well, all right, all right.
When you're with Marcy,
shut your eyes real tight
and picture one
of the Golden Girls.
That ought to be a
step up from reality.
Thanks, Al. I'll do that.
But I'm talking
about this work thing.
I mean... I mean
I'd die. I'd just die
if I had to give up my prime
2 p.m. manicure appointment.
I... If I miss even one
I just know some damn
woman's gonna scarf it up.
Oh... So you're
the bitch with 2:00.
You know, I've been
wondering who that blond was
Eduardo is so in love with.
C'est moi.
Dad, do you think now
that you've discussed Mom
and our stupid
neighbor's problems,
you could pull a dollar
out of your g-string
so we could have some aspirin?
Son, are you here?
Jefferson,
I might be able to find
you something and at night.
Yeah? Peg. You gotta feel this.
Well, of course it's soft, Al.
He's Eduardo's pet.
Well, I'm just trying to
tell you that it's enchanting.
Gee, Al, you sure know
how to make a man feel good.
Well, it's easy
when I'm around you.
The Bears are playing tonight.
That football. What a game, huh?
Anyway. Yeah.
You stick with me tonight
and you'll see the Dalai
Lama of guy do his thing.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, hey. Remember, ladies,
I do weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Yes, ma'am.
Could you give
this to the cute one?
Why, if you were a woman, I'd...
[WOMEN SCREAM]
Did you get any
more phone numbers,
Mr. Casanova Bundy?
Well, Peg, I, uh... Was thinking
about what you were saying,
you know, about being
jealous and all, and, uh...
So for you, I, uh...
gave up my topless career.
And, uh, wrote "go
home" on my chest.
You got fired, huh?
Yes, I did.
Jefferson took all my women,
and now there's
n-n-nothing in my pants.
You have no money and
you want me to console you?
God, what a woman you are.
Well, Al, I have some good
news and some bad news.
It's not a good time now, Peg.
I understand.
Anyhow, Seven coughed,
so I took him to
several doctors.
Specialists, actually.
The good news is he's fine.
But the bad news
is those specialists
were very expensive.
But don't worry, honey,
I took care of it myself.
I just took money
out of that envelope
that you were gonna
use for your car insurance.
[TIRES SCREECH, CAR CRASHES]
MAN: Damn Dodge.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Gee, honey, that might
have been your Dodge.
Uh-huh.
Well, maybe I can
get my old job back.
Unbelievably enough,
the position has
not been filled.
Oh, my God, I'm a
shoe salesman again.
Oh, Al.
Well, honey, if it's
any comfort at all,
no matter how bad it gets,
at least you won't be alone.
[SNEEZES]
[♪♪♪]
[INAUDIBLE SPEECH]
[YAWNS]
What time is it?
Three-thirty.
A.m. or b.m.?
B.m.
You know, I don't know
why they call it b.m.
I mean, why don't they
call it p.m. for postmeridian?
God, sometimes I feel
like I am the last bastion
of good sense on this
forsaken outpost of humanity.
By the way, are my
shoes on the right feet?
No.
Oh, so that's why they hurt.
Where's Mom?
She's out with Seven.
He sneezed, Mom panicked
and she took him to the doctor.
Doctor? She never
took us to the doctor.
I remember I had a
109-degree temperature
and all she did
was bleach my hair.
It's because her
Mom always told her,
"Bleach a cold, raise a beaver."
Gee, I thought it was,
"Feed a pimple, raise a troll."
[CHUCKLES]
Cush, cush, cush,
my little sweetness.
Look, honey, it's Al's children.
[LAUGHS]
Hi, Mom. Everything
go all right?
Oh, God, what an ordeal.
I took Seven to a
dozen specialists.
They all agreed he just sneezed.
[CHUCKLES]
You can't put a price
on that kind of news.
Of course, those
doctors sure did,
but I guess I just overreacted.
I won't make that mistake again.
[SNEEZES]
Get out of my house.
Get out of here before
you infect this child.
Mom, it was just a feather
on the end of my nose.
Well, that's what they said
when the Black Plague started.
Now, I'll have
none of that here.
Just wait outside
till it passes.
Gee, Bud, sometimes
life's a girl, huh?
[LAUGHS]
And I want you out too.
Why me?
You were talking to Bud.
You might have been infected.
Mom. It's freezing out there.
Gee, then I better
shut the door.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, hi, Buck. We're home.
Now you can play with Seven.
Oh, my God, I'd better sneeze.
[SNEEZES]
Oh.
[BUCK CHUCKLES]
I can just feel the mommy in me.
[GIGGLES]
You'll talk to Mom
about letting us back in?
Yeah, sure.
Hi, Daddy. I had a question,
but Mommy said to ask you.
Where do babies come from?
Well, generally speaking,
a six-pack and two
horny teenagers.
He's only kidding.
He really has no idea.
Now, go play with
Daddy's pennies,
but don't lose any.
They're for our retirement.
Okay.
Daddy, what's retirement?
Uh, it's what men
do when they die
and women do when they marry.
Oh, honey, feeling
a little glum?
Well, this will cheer you up.
You know you're always
saying that if I want money
I should get it myself?
Well, today I needed money
to pay Seven's doctor bills.
Get ready to be proud of me.
All by myself,
I took cash that was
sitting doing nothing
out of that pretty red envelope.
You mean, the one in the mailbox
addressed to our mortgage
company, Eviction Trust?
Well, I wouldn't know
about that, honey.
When I open envelopes
not addressed to me,
I just take the money.
But I never read them.
I feel that would be
an invasion of privacy.
Ha-ha. And yet you have no
problem living in my bedroom.
Peg, don't you see, the
envelope was a pretty red one
because the bank
is a little mad at us
because we haven't paid
them low these many months.
But on the good
side, we'll be moving
to a roomier space now.
It goes by the name outside.
Uh... Are we ever gonna
be let back in the house?
No, kids. None of us are.
For, you see, Mommy spent
all of our mortgage money.
Well, Al, you'll just
have to do something.
All right. I will.
[SCREAMS]
I want my mommy!
[SCREAMS]
I don't want no excuses. I
want that five bucks you owe me.
I don't care. I'll see
you in prison, Mom.
Deadbeat.
Got to get a second job.
I got to get something
to pay for all this.
All right, here we go.
Whew. Hey, Al. Came
over to borrow some ice,
but I'll just chip
it off your kids.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, ooh. The want ads.
Husband's second worst fear.
The first of course is hearing,
"Oh, God. What am I
supposed to do with that?
It scares me."
[GIGGLES]
But you get over that fear
after a thousand
women have said it.
Let me ask you something. What?
How does Marcy let you
get away with not working?
Well, Al, I'll tell you.
Whenever the subject comes up
I just give her a ride
on the old Jefferson Airplane.
Yep. Yep.
Help us.
I can't. I'm a Republican.
Well, hey, here's my
little frequent flier now.
Jefferson, where have you been?
You know what a difficult
day I was going to have
and all I asked was for you
to fix me a bath and some supper
and serve it to me
in your bicycle shorts.
But you did absolutely nothing.
Nothing?
Do you think that my skin
is naturally this smooth?
It takes work, baby.
Hey, that is pretty smooth.
Hey, you wanna tell Peg
what you're using here?
Oh, this is intoxicating.
Well, thanks, Al.
Well, thank you.
Oh, please. Now, listen, missy.
I am through paying
for your fanny buffs.
Do you mind getting your
hands off my husband.
And you.
It's time you got
your little apple butt
in gear and got a job.
Well, why don't we talk
about this at home, Marcy.
Hearken. I think I hear
your flight boarding right now.
We'll have you strapped
in in a minute, baby.
Oh, well, all right.
But we are gonna
talk about this job thing.
Oh, yeah. Feel this, Marcy.
Oh, my goodness.
What was I saying?
Oh, well. It couldn't
have been important.
Listen, I'm gonna go home
and get ready for takeoff.
Get a wax, baby.
You never look back.
All right, let's see here.
[GRUNTS]
"No education, no experience
and no drive necessary."
Now, what kind of
stupid job could that...
Oh, yeah, a shoe salesman.
Hey, here's one:
"Bartender in a topless bar."
Well, I think I
could handle that.
All it takes is
a little maturity,
and as we know, I
am a mature man.
[GIGGLES]
I'm gonna see boobies.
Hi. You the boss?
Yeah.
What can I do for
you, sweet cheeks?
Well, for one thing,
you can look at my face
when you're talking to me.
And for another, I'm
here for the bartending job.
You'll do.
You'll do just fine.
Hot doggy!
When do all the
topless babes get here?
Oh, my God, it's not you, is it?
No, it's not me.
It's you.
Hey, bartender, let's
hurry up with those drinks!
Oh. He's shy.
Let's see it, baby. Honk, honk.
Well, if you've got it, trot it.
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMING]
[SNEEZES]
[CLEARS THROAT]
What's your temperature?
This long.
Kel, that's not how you do it.
It's not how long it is.
Yeah, right.
Or how smart it is.
Let's see what the
thermometer says.
Kelly, this is a
meat thermometer.
Well, what am I supposed
to do? I'm not a fish.
Kel, you don't look so good.
You're not gonna pass
out, or anything, are you?
No.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
Mom, I think Kelly
passed out from her fever.
Oh, my.
Well, after I feed Seven,
I'll bleach her hair.
How does it feel, Peg?
To get for free what
every other woman
in Chicago has to pay for.
Go ahead, touch it, Peg.
Touch the tush that
set Chicago afire.
Well, if you don't mind.
And now on to you, honey.
Tell me, is that
money in your pants
or are you, uh...?
Well, let's face it.
It could only be money.
Yep. There's
another kind of green
in my underwear now, Peg.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God, Al.
After all these years
of experimenting
you've finally found something
to do with your pelvic area.
Wait, Peg, there's more.
Oh, Al, you've been
saying that for years.
I think it's time we just
dropped the senseless charade.
But it's fine,
honey. Really it is.
It's better than fine, Peg.
It gives change.
[COINS CLINK]
[LAUGHS]
Peg. Yeah, I feel
good. Yeah, I do.
I quit my shoe job, Peg.
No time for it, really.
Don't regret the shoe
business, though.
'Twas a pleasant
little interlude
until I found my true calling:
Shakin' Al Junior and the...
Pips.
[MOANS]
You know, Al, I...
I'm not sure, but I...
Think I might have just had one.
Hey.
Mary.
Doris.
Beth.
Al, these are other
women's phone numbers.
I don't know if I like this.
[CHUCKLES]
Do I see the redheaded
monster of jealousy?
Well, I don't know.
Should I be jealous?
Well,
yes.
I mean, look what
they're all seeing, Peg.
The same thing God saw in
his imagination when he said,
"Let there be man."
But, Peg, as ugly
as these women are,
I still come home to you.
I don't know, honey.
I love this money,
and I know those women are ugly
but, you know, the truth
is, I'm not a very good wife.
I don't do anything for you.
What if these other women
finally started paying
attention to you?
It's a long shot, but I
can't take that chance.
I want you to quit.
Oh, Peg. It's hard
to tell these to quit.
[GIGGLES]
What's the matter? Nothing.
I just had a Village
People flashback.
People pay to see me like this.
Oh, okay, so will I.
Here's a dollar.
Sing "YMCA."
[GIGGLES]
No, wait, here's $2.
Put a shirt on. I can't
stand to see you topless.
Well, at least people
know when I'm topless.
My back has bigger
breasts than you.
No, your front has
bigger breasts than me.
You leave my Alsy alone.
He has to dress like
this for his second job.
Second job?
Jefferson, don't you think
it's time you got a first job?
Yeah, okay, Marcy, come on.
Let's go do the "Oh, Jefferson."
Fine. Oh, Jefferson, get a job.
You may be cuter than I am
but it's time you started
pulling your own
weight around here.
I mean, if I wanted
peanuts, I'd fly Delta.
Look, Al, you gotta help me.
Well, all right, all right.
When you're with Marcy,
shut your eyes real tight
and picture one
of the Golden Girls.
That ought to be a
step up from reality.
Thanks, Al. I'll do that.
But I'm talking
about this work thing.
I mean... I mean
I'd die. I'd just die
if I had to give up my prime
2 p.m. manicure appointment.
I... If I miss even one
I just know some damn
woman's gonna scarf it up.
Oh... So you're
the bitch with 2:00.
You know, I've been
wondering who that blond was
Eduardo is so in love with.
C'est moi.
Dad, do you think now
that you've discussed Mom
and our stupid
neighbor's problems,
you could pull a dollar
out of your g-string
so we could have some aspirin?
Son, are you here?
Jefferson,
I might be able to find
you something and at night.
Yeah? Peg. You gotta feel this.
Well, of course it's soft, Al.
He's Eduardo's pet.
Well, I'm just trying to
tell you that it's enchanting.
Gee, Al, you sure know
how to make a man feel good.
Well, it's easy
when I'm around you.
The Bears are playing tonight.
That football. What a game, huh?
Anyway. Yeah.
You stick with me tonight
and you'll see the Dalai
Lama of guy do his thing.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, hey. Remember, ladies,
I do weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Yes, ma'am.
Could you give
this to the cute one?
Why, if you were a woman, I'd...
[WOMEN SCREAM]
Did you get any
more phone numbers,
Mr. Casanova Bundy?
Well, Peg, I, uh... Was thinking
about what you were saying,
you know, about being
jealous and all, and, uh...
So for you, I, uh...
gave up my topless career.
And, uh, wrote "go
home" on my chest.
You got fired, huh?
Yes, I did.
Jefferson took all my women,
and now there's
n-n-nothing in my pants.
You have no money and
you want me to console you?
God, what a woman you are.
Well, Al, I have some good
news and some bad news.
It's not a good time now, Peg.
I understand.
Anyhow, Seven coughed,
so I took him to
several doctors.
Specialists, actually.
The good news is he's fine.
But the bad news
is those specialists
were very expensive.
But don't worry, honey,
I took care of it myself.
I just took money
out of that envelope
that you were gonna
use for your car insurance.
[TIRES SCREECH, CAR CRASHES]
MAN: Damn Dodge.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Gee, honey, that might
have been your Dodge.
Uh-huh.
Well, maybe I can
get my old job back.
Unbelievably enough,
the position has
not been filled.
Oh, my God, I'm a
shoe salesman again.
Oh, Al.
Well, honey, if it's
any comfort at all,
no matter how bad it gets,
at least you won't be alone.
[SNEEZES]
[♪♪♪]