Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 5 - What I Did for Love - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Peg, you're down here.

I must've been dreaming
you ran off with that dwarf

down at the bookstore,

and that I'm living in sin
with a Playmate centerfold

and her eight roommates

who can speak,
but choose not to.

Al, that is so insulting.

You know, you sound as
if you think women have

nothing interesting to say.

That is so untrue.



Take me, for example.

I have lots of interesting
observations to share.

For instance, who
but me would tell you

that your teeth have evolved

into the same lovely
shade of yellow

as your underwear?

Or that you have 10 times
more hair in your nose

than on your head?

Or that over the years

you have shrunk
several inches in height.

Gee, I... I wonder
where they went.

There they are. [GIGGLES]

Which reminds me, Al.

I want sex.



So do I, but I see no reason

to drag you into it.

Al, there is nothing
happening in our bedroom.

Well, Peg, if it's
working, don't fix it.

Al, this isn't normal.

Everybody else has sex.

[LAUGHS] Everybody else has sex.

What are you doing,
looking in windows?

Yes, I do.

And everybody else has sex.

Oh, God, I'm exhausted.

Sex, sex, sex, all night long.

I know.

I told you I saw someone

doing the wave.

Coffee, Marcy?

I'd offer Jefferson some,

but he doesn't need
anything to keep him going.

P-Peggy, you seem grumpy.

That could mean two things:

You're not getting any, or...

even worse, you are.

The big goose egg.

Again, that could
mean two things.

Oh, Marcy.

I don't know what happened.

Al used to be so passionate.

All I had to do
was undo a button,

show some skin,
and he was ready.

Yeah. Time was it was enough

to be naked in a car
with music playing.

I could get any
man that walked by.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, that is,

if it was late enough.

But now men need all
the help we can give them.

I mean, think of
men's sexual lives

like on a graph.

Their prowess
increases to a peak,

then they hit a certain age and:

Look at them talking
about me again.

You know, it's easy
for them to complain.

We're the ones that
have to do all the work.

Many's the time I've thought,

"Oh, I'd like to just
lay there, you know,

and occasionally toss out
an, "Oh, baby, oh, baby.""

[LAUGHS]

You'd think my natural
beauty would be enough

just to look at me, you know.

I mean, you don't
ask the statue of David

to move a little.

Yep, it's a crime how
men get handsomer

and women just age.

Oh, and sure,
I'd get excited too

if I was going to bed with me.

[GIGGLES]

But no such luck.

Oh, time was I used to
have to think about baseball

just to slow things down.

Now I just wanna
think about baseball.

[LAUGHS]

How many times can you have
sex with your hands like this:

Look, they're talking
about me again.

Ah, but you get used to it.

You know, Marcy,

that was really a wild nightgown

you had on last night.

Can I see it sometime?

No. Jefferson ate it.

Oh.

[GIGGLES] It was one
of those edible things.

No, but he was hungry,
and we didn't wanna stop.

[GAGGING]

That's a nice button.

It goes with my zipper
that I found in my burrito

at Illegal Pete's.

God, Marcy, you
just seem to have

no problem with
Jefferson at all.

Yeah, right. You try
fighting him for the mirror.

But in the bedroom,

I know how to handle a man.

You see, men are like children.

They need to be amused.
They want a show.

So you have to
dress it up, you know?

Entice them.

I know you look at me and think,

"Marcy, you're a sex goddess.

Surely you need no help."

Uh, yeah, I...

I was thinking
something like that.

Yes, well, brace yourself.

For even one such as I

must resort to costumes

and desperate pleading

to have romantic, blinding sex.

What you should do is go down
to Hemphley's Department Store.

They have the best
lingerie department in town.

Soon Al will be all over
you. [MOANS SOFTLY]

Well, then I better stop
and get him some soap

and a toothbrush and...

Oh, and an instruction manual.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Al.

Honey, I wanna go
shopping with Marcy.

Give me money.

No.

Gee, honey, that's too bad.

You know, I was thinking of
getting you a nice, juicy steak.

Doesn't that sound good, honey?

Yeah, and Peg, and those...

Those little rolls that
when you open 'em up,

hot comes out.

Well, Al, hot is expensive.

Well... Well, Peg, I've
been saving all my money

for the big anniversary issue
of Hooters In High Heels.

You know...

You know, it's the issue
that deals with hoo...

Hooters in high heels.

Well, I guess I don't have to
make you a chocolate cake.

Chocolate cake. Chocolate cake.

Eat so much You
get a tummy ache.

See you tonight, baby.

He really believes you.

And why not?

Marriage is a sacred trust.

See you for dinner, sweetheart.

You know, Jefferson,

I hope I made
the right decision.

Hooters. Hm.

Chocolate cake. Mm.

Hooters. Chocolate cake.

Decisions, decisions.

Well, I guess that's all

part of being an adult.

Yeah.

Jefferson? What?

Choco-hooters.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Choco-hooters.

You know, I think there
might be something to that.

Peg.

I'm home.

Hi, Daddy. Yeah, sure.

Go away. I'm gonna eat.

I don't wanna feel bad
about not giving you any.

Before I go, can
I ask a question?

What's the difference
between men and women?

One works,

and the other's a woman.

So Mrs. D'Arcy is a man?

Yes.

Then Mr. D'Arcy is a woman?

Yes.

No wonder you sell shoes.

Yes.

Oh, man, I'm gonna eat.

[HUMMING]

Just like they were 20 years ago

when I bought them.

PEG: Al.

It is I.

And I am ready.

PEG: Do you want it, Al?

Oh, I want it.

PEG: Do you need it, Al?

I need it bad, baby.

PEG: Supper's served.

[AL LAUGHS]

[GIGGLES]

[LAUGHS]

Where is it, Peg?

Where is it, baby?
Don't do this to me.

I'm wearing it, baby.

Well, take it off and
fry it up. I'm starving.

Al, it's not food.

It's just me.

But don't worry.

I'll make you forget
all about food.

[GRUNTS]

Well, honey, you've
already done that.

Al, can you honestly
look me in the eye

and tell me that this
does not turn you on?

Well, Peg, I can look
you in the anywhere

and say that.

[SCRATCH AT DOOR]

Can't be just me.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe nobody has sex anymore.

WOMAN 1: Oh, God.

WOMAN 2: Oh, Bob.

WOMAN 3: Oh, Fong.

WOMAN 4: Oh, mailman.

MARCY: Oh, God.
Oh, Jefferson. Oh, God.

JEFFERSON: Oh, God.
Oh, Jefferson. Oh, God.

[ALL SIGH]

You hear that, Peg?

Everybody in the
neighborhood but me

is eating.

Peg, I don't wanna be here.

I don't feel comfortable
in Undergarment World.

And the idea of
you trying them on,

frankly, gives me the jimmies.

Al, just look around and tell me

if you see something you like.

[SIGHS]

Well, I like that.

Al, that is exactly
what I had on earlier.

No kidding?

Well, what, did you have it
on backwards or something?

So, what do you think, honey?

Well, what difference
does it make?

We're married.

Well, maybe if that redhead
over there was wearing it.

[CHUCKLES]

Look, Al. Like I have pleaded
with you a thousand times

in the bedroom,
just look around.

I'm sure you'll find
something you like.

Peg, I don't belong here.
This is not a place for men.

It's... It's not healthy.

Case in point.

Now, I'm not just in college.

I'm in community college.

I saw this movie where
this mannequin came to life,

so if you can talk, please do.

Bud.

Oh, my God.

You know my name.

Do you also know what I like?

Bud.

You sound like my mother.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hi, guys.

Um, I was just trying
out some of my lines

that I use on my many
human co-ed dates.

Yeah, sure. Like having
you guys for parents

had nothing to do with this.

Al, I think you
better talk to him.

Well, you have any ideas
about what I should say?

No.

Can I help you?

Not unless you can
take me back 20 years,

and tell me not to
marry a shoe salesman.

[LAUGHS]

Actually, I'd like
to exchange this

for something that will
definitely interest my husband.

Well, I don't know.

It would help if I
saw your husband.

Never does me.

[LAUGHS]

But brace yourself,

there he is.

Here's one that might
come in a little handy,

somewhere down the line.

I call it the Bundy

one-finger-bra-unhook.

[SHRIEKING]

My God. It's got me.
No. Help me, Bud.

Don't panic, Dad.

I mean,

old peculiar stranger.

AL: Help me, Bud!

AL: Help me, Bud!

Does nothing please him?

What does a normal
woman have to do

to keep her husband interested?

Not a day goes by

that I don't try to
keep him happy.

God, I wish someone
would dust around here.

Hi, Mom.

Not that I really wanna know,

but how'd Dad like the outfit?

Well, he said what
he really wanted

was the meat that used
to live under this baby.

I give up.

I'd better just resign myself.

I'm just not attractive
to your father anymore.

Although I do excite myself.

[CHUCKLES]

But, then, I was
never the problem.

Oh, you're still
attractive, Mom.

Dad's just going through
one of those man phases.

I mean, it's probably not
that easy for him anymore.

What is he now? Seventy-five?

Daddy is the same age as I am.

You're 75?

God, you look good.

Thank you.

Oh, but don't get down, Mom.

Lots of guys find
you attractive.

Really? Mm-hm.

Like who?

Well, like my friend
Buffy's grandfather.

All of his other friends were
drooling over Betty White,

but he wouldn't hear of it.

He said that you were better.

And he was a very wise man, Mom.

He was 103.

You know, till he died.

In fact, his last words were,

"Peggy hot, Betty not."

[GAGGING]

Gee, that's very
flattering, honey.

Anyone younger?

Nope. You sure?

Yep. You don't
wanna take a minute?

Nope. Oh, my God.

Then it's true.

It really is Daddy and
me for the rest of our lives.

I guess I have no
choice but to go back

to that lingerie store

and buy something
kinky this time.

[SIGHS] Okay, if you must.

But you shouldn't work
so hard with Daddy.

You have to remember,

attraction is a
three-way street.

Or is it a one-way tunnel?

In any case, I do know
that it's a four-lane highway,

and it takes two to
use the carpool lane.

I guess what I'm
trying to say is,

what the younger
generation has learned is that

there's absolutely nothing
for us to watch on CBS,

and that you have
to be yourself.

A man has to love you for you,

not for some costume.

He has to love
who you are inside.

Oh, gosh.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] Well, I guess

it's back to Hemphley's.

Al.

AL: What?

You can come out of
there, Al. I'm going out.

But will you be back?

Yes.

But don't worry.

I'm gonna turn this costume in

and get you food.

No, you won't. It'll just
be another tight outfit

showing your skin
and scaring me.

That's it now, Peg.

I'm putting my foot down
as the man of this closet.

No more outfits.

All right, Al. No more outfits.

Tomorrow I'll get you food.

I knew it. No food downstairs.

Doesn't bother me at all.

Al not sad.

Come look under
the covers, baby.

Now Al sad.

I'll be in my closet.

Oh, Al.

There is something under here

that might interest you.

This.

It's a steak, baby.

Doesn't it look good?

I love you.

Who wants a bite

of this nice, delicious steak?

I do, I do, I do.

Come and get it,

baby.

[LAUGHS]

Good boy.

[BOTH SIGH]

Is my big boy happy now? Mm-hm.

Oh.

[GRUNTING]

Come here, Al.

[MUFFLED] No.

Well, if you don't,

you're gonna miss out

on this.

A nice, juicy

prime-rib bone.

[MOANING]

All right, baby.

Time for dessert.

[AL GRUNTS]

PEG: Good boy.

Daddy's home.

What's for dinner, baby?

Nothing, honey.

Nut and Honey cereal?

No, Al.

I mean nothing, honey.

Well... Well, that can't be.

Well, there's nothing
appetizing under there at all.

Now, Peg, if you expect
me to pleasure you,

I'm gonna need the same
thing that Robert Mitchum needs.

A jowl-tightening?

No. Beef, baby.

Lay it on me.

Al, do you know that
I cooked four hours

for that five minutes
of sex we had?

It's just not worth it.

Well, I... Well, I...

I can get better.

I could probably get up to

six minutes.

Oh, honey, it's
not that, it's j...

It's just too much trouble.

Oh, yeah?

Well, look at this.

That oughta be
worth a pot roast.

Al, it's just not worth it.

I'll be in the closet.
I... I'll get another outfit.

I saw a cute little black one,

see-through,
feathers on the side.

What do you say?

It'll make my heinie
look like a little apple.

Come on, what do you say?

[SINGING HENRY
MANCINI'S "MOON RIVER"]

[♪♪♪]