Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 1 - Magnificent Seven - full transcript
The Bundys have another mouth to feed when Peggy's cousin Zemus and his wife, Ida Mae, pay a quick visit and leave behind their six year-old son Seven, who's captivating to Peggy (and only Peggy). She sees this as her chance to be a "great mother," or at least try.
So, Mom, what's
the big surprise?
Why are we sitting here
like blind Lone Rangers?
Yeah.
And why can I still hear you
with this mask on?
Just hang on, kids.
Here it comes!
Oh, my God! An M&M.
And I got a W&W.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, wait a second.
Why are you treating us so good?
Yeah, Mom. Why'd
you cook for us?
Well, can't a mother
show her love?
Okay.
I did it so you'd
be in good moods
when I told you
that my relatives
are coming for a visit.
No. Not Zemus and Ida Mae.
Oh, hush.
They both wear clothes now...
and they're not gonna
be any trouble to anyone.
Hey, Peg, did you
know we're out of towels
in the bathroom?
Guess you didn't tell Dad
your family was coming.
Well, he never warns
me when he is...
so I feel like I
owe him nothing.
God, I love Sundays.
It's the one day of the week
I get to sleep
later than you, Peg.
Saturday night I stay
up extra, extra late,
eat an enormous amount of tacos
to make absolutely sure
there's no way in the world
that when I wake up,
you'll be next to me.
You don't have to eat
tacos for that, honey.
But I can't afford to
take that chance, Peg.
But when I know you're gone,
I can finally slip
out of my underwear
and sleep safely
naked as God intended.
Oh, the sensations.
Why, with Mommy
gone, I almost feel sexual.
Yeah, nothing can
ruin Sunday for me.
Wait a minute. What's that?
Open your mouth.
It's an M&M!
Oh, God. Your family's coming!
How much time do I have?
Great Caesar's
ghost, they're here!
Have you made the preparations?
Of course.
What about the dog? He's ready.
Shouldn't we have
a sign like that?
Here, here. Everybody
take one of these.
If they move on you,
smack 'em on the
nose and say, "No."
Open up! We
know you're in there!
I'm comin'.
All right, now, kids, smile
as if Daddy had died.
Okay.
Zemus, Ida Mae.
Peggy.
You look good enough to eat.
Aah!
Little cousin.
No! Aah!
Big boy.
Don't even dream
about it, Zemus.
So where's the dog?
By the way, what's
with that line?
What are you gonna
do, tie it to your porch
to make sure you can
find your way home?
No, it's for our youngest child.
We believe in giving
the boy a little freedom.
That way, if he feels all
cooped up in the Winnebago,
he can gallop alongside
of us down the highway.
Folks, meet little Seven.
Seven?
Well, why'd you pick that name?
'Cause we had one, two,
three, four, five, seven kids.
Say hi to your cousin.
Oh, hello.
Is that the one who's
gonna give me money?
Yeah, that's the rich
one. Go bond with him.
I love you, you big lug.
Give me money.
Do you know where your knee is?
Yes, I do, so give me money.
Uh, kids, why don't you
take little Seven upstairs?
Come here, Seven.
We'll take him up to Bud's room.
Have you ever seen
a rubber woman?
Isis is not rubber,
she's breathable latex.
And she breaks,
just like a little girl.
Come on in.
Isn't this nice?
We're swingers.
We're into swapping.
But don't be put off,
it doesn't have to be
the traditional man-woman thing.
And this little Peggy
never goes to market.
And this little
Peggy stays home.
And this little
Peggy eats bonbons.
Mmm.
And these little
children have none.
I want them to
do the song again.
He only wants us to do it
because he knows we hate it.
Is that true, Seven? Yes.
And a-one and a-two.
♪ Baby face ♪
♪ You've got the
cutest Little baby face ♪
♪ There's not another
one Could take your place ♪
♪ Baby face ♪
Hi, kids.
Good to be home.
Where did you disappear to?
Well, I crawled
under the doggy door
when Zemus turned
out the lights and said,
"Let's exchange trousers."
Is that your real nose?
Honk, honk, honk, honk.
Seven, if you were
thinking of pulling his hair,
try grabbing it out of his ears.
Unlike his head,
it just seems to grow
and grow and grow.
Uh, Peg, why is this
kid sitting on my lap?
Doesn't his father have a groin?
By the way, uh,
where are the Kettles?
Well, right after you left,
they went out for cigarettes.
And you let them go?
That has to be the
dumbest move in history.
No, the second dumbest.
The first dumbest had to be
when I answered your phone
call the day after we had sex.
Peg...
You just let these people
stick us with their kid.
Oh, my God. I've
got another child!
Now, Peg.
I'm gonna remove my hands.
Please don't show
him how upset you are.
What's the matter?
Did he find out
my folks are gone?
Uh, no. No, no.
Just went out for cigarettes,
be right back.
No, they won't. But that's okay.
I'll just live with
Mommy and you,
Daddy.
♪ There's not another
Who could take your place ♪
Oh, Peg, I've got another kid.
Oh, got another kid.
Oh, Al, I'm happy.
I wanna keep him.
The kids love him.
And Buck has
really taken to him.
You should see the two of them
play together.
Oh, look, here he comes.
Doggy, wanna go to the dentist?
I guess he's still sore
from playing doctor.
What is it, Peg? Oh-ho.
It's just the love.
Oh, Al, I have to keep him.
This boy needs a mother,
and I am a born mommy.
Can I go throw rocks at cars?
Sure, honey.
Just look both ways
before throwing.
Well, hey, aren't
you a cute little guy?
Hey, mister, which car is yours?
That pretty blue one.
So where are his parents?
Oh, they went
out for cigarettes.
Oh, the old cigarette ploy.
They stuck you with their kid
and they're never coming back.
So what are you
gonna name this one,
Financial Burden III?
Peggy, I envy you.
A new child, and you didn't even
have to touch
that man to get it.
Yeah, I couldn't be happier.
Of course, Al will
have to get another job.
And it may be tough
on Bud and Kelly.
You know, with not enough love
to go around and all.
But I don't really see
any downside for me.
Gee, Al.
Another child.
What a blessing.
And it... It shouldn't be
much of a strain on your salary,
which couldn't support
a family of goats
in the mountains of Paraguay.
But on the bright side,
another child
could be such a joy.
Let's take the time to
think of all the things
that you can teach him.
Well, I can't think of
anything. Can you?
Uh, now, Marcie, um...
Don't take this as an insult,
you, uh, parakeet
in a flannel shirt.
But speaking as a friend,
your body shows no
signs of womanhood.
Obvious to me, you're barren.
And even if by some miracle
you actually laid an egg
and then hatched a child
and tried to breast-feed it,
the kid would starve
to death because, uh...
Uh, let's face it, Marce,
there can't be
enough milk in there
for a cup of coffee.
So, uh, having
said that with love
from one friend to another,
I offer you the son
you'll never have.
Let me go get his clothes.
Oh.
Al, I... I couldn't possibly
take anything from you.
Instead, let me
give you something.
Ten fingers of death.
I hate you!
I hate you! I hate you!
And I have breasts, damn it.
She really does, Al.
You just can't see 'em.
Right, honey?
Like I can see
everything on you?
Oh, you said that
wasn't important.
Well, I lied.
Wait a second.
Can't we go back
to picking on Al?
You're right, honey.
So, Daddy No-Bucks,
where's the new kid gonna sleep?
So that's the real story
of the breakup of me
and Cindy Crawford.
You know, you're not
that interesting either.
And now, we put me to sleep.
Don't mind me, Bud.
I just came in to
say good night.
Good night. Yeah, thanks.
Cooch, cooch, cooch,
cooch, my little man.
Mommy.
He bored me.
How about a nice little lullaby?
Mm-hm.
Okay, here we go.
♪ Hush, little baby
Don't you cry ♪
♪ Bud'll be gone soon
So kiss him goodbye ♪
♪ And if Bud Won't
leave on his own ♪
I'll throw him out.
And then it'll just
be me and you.
And I'll cook for you,
and everything will
be so nice. Mom, Mom.
He's sleeping.
I guess I just got carried away.
It's so hard to
leave this little guy.
Come here.
Okay.
Good night. Good night, Mom.
Yeah, thanks.
Hooters.
Oh, hooters, come out and play.
Bud.
I have to ask you a question.
You have waited 19 years
for someone to
get in bed with you.
Tell me, is it everything
you'd hoped for?
Oh, I'm just teasing you,
you little emotionally
arrested Smurf.
I brought you a little present.
Now that you're sharing
your bachelor pad with Seven,
I wanted to give you
something to decorate your room.
Hm? A little eye candy
for the both of you.
There you go, college man.
"Wags, the Perplexed Pup."
Cartoon cutie.
Well, as if I had to tell you.
Hey, great place for
a Blossom calendar.
How much must I endure?
God, she isn't bad, is she?
Oh, God.
Look at my life.
I don't get it.
I'm so cute.
What am I even doing home?
I know I've got the bod.
Got the arms, the chest,
and even I can't keep
my hands off my butt.
You really should talk to Daddy.
Anyway, I couldn't bear to
be away from this little guy.
I'm gonna take
him to bed with me.
Uh...
You do take that down
when friends are
over, don't you?
Well, at least I
got some privacy.
Hi, girls.
Come to papa.
Don't mind me, son.
Just avoiding your mother.
Hey, now.
What's this?
"Hooters, absolutely no faces."
Goodish.
Come on, Dad. Go to sleep.
Bud, did you do this?
Oh, God, look at my life.
I'm sitting in my
own son's wet spot.
I don't get it.
So cute.
How could this be my fate?
I should've married for money.
I always had the bod.
Got the arms.
God never made a nicer butt.
I can't live like this,
but I'll tell you what I can do.
I'm gonna track
down Seven's parents
and I'm gonna get this
house back to normal.
And I want Wags
hanging on my wall
when I get back, son.
Fill her up, sir?
Nope. Making a delivery.
Ninety-two octane?
Yeah, whatever.
And the Atlanta
Braves take the field.
Welcome to our monthly
underwear fashion show.
And now, here's
supermodel Zemus,
wearing lovely blue Hanes.
Aah!
Hi.
Hi.
I think we should talk.
Gee, I hope Daddy
doesn't find your parents
so you can stay with us forever.
Me too.
Yeah, us too.
Hi, Al.
Did you find his parents?
No.
Couldn't find 'em.
So we can keep him?
Guess so.
Daddy!
Oh, by the way, everybody,
today was payday.
the big surprise?
Why are we sitting here
like blind Lone Rangers?
Yeah.
And why can I still hear you
with this mask on?
Just hang on, kids.
Here it comes!
Oh, my God! An M&M.
And I got a W&W.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, wait a second.
Why are you treating us so good?
Yeah, Mom. Why'd
you cook for us?
Well, can't a mother
show her love?
Okay.
I did it so you'd
be in good moods
when I told you
that my relatives
are coming for a visit.
No. Not Zemus and Ida Mae.
Oh, hush.
They both wear clothes now...
and they're not gonna
be any trouble to anyone.
Hey, Peg, did you
know we're out of towels
in the bathroom?
Guess you didn't tell Dad
your family was coming.
Well, he never warns
me when he is...
so I feel like I
owe him nothing.
God, I love Sundays.
It's the one day of the week
I get to sleep
later than you, Peg.
Saturday night I stay
up extra, extra late,
eat an enormous amount of tacos
to make absolutely sure
there's no way in the world
that when I wake up,
you'll be next to me.
You don't have to eat
tacos for that, honey.
But I can't afford to
take that chance, Peg.
But when I know you're gone,
I can finally slip
out of my underwear
and sleep safely
naked as God intended.
Oh, the sensations.
Why, with Mommy
gone, I almost feel sexual.
Yeah, nothing can
ruin Sunday for me.
Wait a minute. What's that?
Open your mouth.
It's an M&M!
Oh, God. Your family's coming!
How much time do I have?
Great Caesar's
ghost, they're here!
Have you made the preparations?
Of course.
What about the dog? He's ready.
Shouldn't we have
a sign like that?
Here, here. Everybody
take one of these.
If they move on you,
smack 'em on the
nose and say, "No."
Open up! We
know you're in there!
I'm comin'.
All right, now, kids, smile
as if Daddy had died.
Okay.
Zemus, Ida Mae.
Peggy.
You look good enough to eat.
Aah!
Little cousin.
No! Aah!
Big boy.
Don't even dream
about it, Zemus.
So where's the dog?
By the way, what's
with that line?
What are you gonna
do, tie it to your porch
to make sure you can
find your way home?
No, it's for our youngest child.
We believe in giving
the boy a little freedom.
That way, if he feels all
cooped up in the Winnebago,
he can gallop alongside
of us down the highway.
Folks, meet little Seven.
Seven?
Well, why'd you pick that name?
'Cause we had one, two,
three, four, five, seven kids.
Say hi to your cousin.
Oh, hello.
Is that the one who's
gonna give me money?
Yeah, that's the rich
one. Go bond with him.
I love you, you big lug.
Give me money.
Do you know where your knee is?
Yes, I do, so give me money.
Uh, kids, why don't you
take little Seven upstairs?
Come here, Seven.
We'll take him up to Bud's room.
Have you ever seen
a rubber woman?
Isis is not rubber,
she's breathable latex.
And she breaks,
just like a little girl.
Come on in.
Isn't this nice?
We're swingers.
We're into swapping.
But don't be put off,
it doesn't have to be
the traditional man-woman thing.
And this little Peggy
never goes to market.
And this little
Peggy stays home.
And this little
Peggy eats bonbons.
Mmm.
And these little
children have none.
I want them to
do the song again.
He only wants us to do it
because he knows we hate it.
Is that true, Seven? Yes.
And a-one and a-two.
♪ Baby face ♪
♪ You've got the
cutest Little baby face ♪
♪ There's not another
one Could take your place ♪
♪ Baby face ♪
Hi, kids.
Good to be home.
Where did you disappear to?
Well, I crawled
under the doggy door
when Zemus turned
out the lights and said,
"Let's exchange trousers."
Is that your real nose?
Honk, honk, honk, honk.
Seven, if you were
thinking of pulling his hair,
try grabbing it out of his ears.
Unlike his head,
it just seems to grow
and grow and grow.
Uh, Peg, why is this
kid sitting on my lap?
Doesn't his father have a groin?
By the way, uh,
where are the Kettles?
Well, right after you left,
they went out for cigarettes.
And you let them go?
That has to be the
dumbest move in history.
No, the second dumbest.
The first dumbest had to be
when I answered your phone
call the day after we had sex.
Peg...
You just let these people
stick us with their kid.
Oh, my God. I've
got another child!
Now, Peg.
I'm gonna remove my hands.
Please don't show
him how upset you are.
What's the matter?
Did he find out
my folks are gone?
Uh, no. No, no.
Just went out for cigarettes,
be right back.
No, they won't. But that's okay.
I'll just live with
Mommy and you,
Daddy.
♪ There's not another
Who could take your place ♪
Oh, Peg, I've got another kid.
Oh, got another kid.
Oh, Al, I'm happy.
I wanna keep him.
The kids love him.
And Buck has
really taken to him.
You should see the two of them
play together.
Oh, look, here he comes.
Doggy, wanna go to the dentist?
I guess he's still sore
from playing doctor.
What is it, Peg? Oh-ho.
It's just the love.
Oh, Al, I have to keep him.
This boy needs a mother,
and I am a born mommy.
Can I go throw rocks at cars?
Sure, honey.
Just look both ways
before throwing.
Well, hey, aren't
you a cute little guy?
Hey, mister, which car is yours?
That pretty blue one.
So where are his parents?
Oh, they went
out for cigarettes.
Oh, the old cigarette ploy.
They stuck you with their kid
and they're never coming back.
So what are you
gonna name this one,
Financial Burden III?
Peggy, I envy you.
A new child, and you didn't even
have to touch
that man to get it.
Yeah, I couldn't be happier.
Of course, Al will
have to get another job.
And it may be tough
on Bud and Kelly.
You know, with not enough love
to go around and all.
But I don't really see
any downside for me.
Gee, Al.
Another child.
What a blessing.
And it... It shouldn't be
much of a strain on your salary,
which couldn't support
a family of goats
in the mountains of Paraguay.
But on the bright side,
another child
could be such a joy.
Let's take the time to
think of all the things
that you can teach him.
Well, I can't think of
anything. Can you?
Uh, now, Marcie, um...
Don't take this as an insult,
you, uh, parakeet
in a flannel shirt.
But speaking as a friend,
your body shows no
signs of womanhood.
Obvious to me, you're barren.
And even if by some miracle
you actually laid an egg
and then hatched a child
and tried to breast-feed it,
the kid would starve
to death because, uh...
Uh, let's face it, Marce,
there can't be
enough milk in there
for a cup of coffee.
So, uh, having
said that with love
from one friend to another,
I offer you the son
you'll never have.
Let me go get his clothes.
Oh.
Al, I... I couldn't possibly
take anything from you.
Instead, let me
give you something.
Ten fingers of death.
I hate you!
I hate you! I hate you!
And I have breasts, damn it.
She really does, Al.
You just can't see 'em.
Right, honey?
Like I can see
everything on you?
Oh, you said that
wasn't important.
Well, I lied.
Wait a second.
Can't we go back
to picking on Al?
You're right, honey.
So, Daddy No-Bucks,
where's the new kid gonna sleep?
So that's the real story
of the breakup of me
and Cindy Crawford.
You know, you're not
that interesting either.
And now, we put me to sleep.
Don't mind me, Bud.
I just came in to
say good night.
Good night. Yeah, thanks.
Cooch, cooch, cooch,
cooch, my little man.
Mommy.
He bored me.
How about a nice little lullaby?
Mm-hm.
Okay, here we go.
♪ Hush, little baby
Don't you cry ♪
♪ Bud'll be gone soon
So kiss him goodbye ♪
♪ And if Bud Won't
leave on his own ♪
I'll throw him out.
And then it'll just
be me and you.
And I'll cook for you,
and everything will
be so nice. Mom, Mom.
He's sleeping.
I guess I just got carried away.
It's so hard to
leave this little guy.
Come here.
Okay.
Good night. Good night, Mom.
Yeah, thanks.
Hooters.
Oh, hooters, come out and play.
Bud.
I have to ask you a question.
You have waited 19 years
for someone to
get in bed with you.
Tell me, is it everything
you'd hoped for?
Oh, I'm just teasing you,
you little emotionally
arrested Smurf.
I brought you a little present.
Now that you're sharing
your bachelor pad with Seven,
I wanted to give you
something to decorate your room.
Hm? A little eye candy
for the both of you.
There you go, college man.
"Wags, the Perplexed Pup."
Cartoon cutie.
Well, as if I had to tell you.
Hey, great place for
a Blossom calendar.
How much must I endure?
God, she isn't bad, is she?
Oh, God.
Look at my life.
I don't get it.
I'm so cute.
What am I even doing home?
I know I've got the bod.
Got the arms, the chest,
and even I can't keep
my hands off my butt.
You really should talk to Daddy.
Anyway, I couldn't bear to
be away from this little guy.
I'm gonna take
him to bed with me.
Uh...
You do take that down
when friends are
over, don't you?
Well, at least I
got some privacy.
Hi, girls.
Come to papa.
Don't mind me, son.
Just avoiding your mother.
Hey, now.
What's this?
"Hooters, absolutely no faces."
Goodish.
Come on, Dad. Go to sleep.
Bud, did you do this?
Oh, God, look at my life.
I'm sitting in my
own son's wet spot.
I don't get it.
So cute.
How could this be my fate?
I should've married for money.
I always had the bod.
Got the arms.
God never made a nicer butt.
I can't live like this,
but I'll tell you what I can do.
I'm gonna track
down Seven's parents
and I'm gonna get this
house back to normal.
And I want Wags
hanging on my wall
when I get back, son.
Fill her up, sir?
Nope. Making a delivery.
Ninety-two octane?
Yeah, whatever.
And the Atlanta
Braves take the field.
Welcome to our monthly
underwear fashion show.
And now, here's
supermodel Zemus,
wearing lovely blue Hanes.
Aah!
Hi.
Hi.
I think we should talk.
Gee, I hope Daddy
doesn't find your parents
so you can stay with us forever.
Me too.
Yeah, us too.
Hi, Al.
Did you find his parents?
No.
Couldn't find 'em.
So we can keep him?
Guess so.
Daddy!
Oh, by the way, everybody,
today was payday.