Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 2 - T-R-A Something, Something Spells Tramp - full transcript

You're spending
your Saturday night

listening to Oldies Radio WZ.

Pretty pathetic, isn't it?

Here's one you have to be
hovering around 40 to remember.

Well. Then I couldn't
possibly remember.

♪ Nothing you could say ♪

♪ Can take me away From my guy ♪

♪ My guy ♪

♪ Nothing you can do ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm stuck
like glue To my guy ♪

Honey.



Al.

Oh, my God, is it our
anniversary again?

No, Al.

Well, then, what gives
you the right to touch me?

Because I'm tired
of touching myself.

Well, who could blame you?

Al, I wanna talk.

And I want the same attention

that you'd give
one of your burps.

And you think you've
earned that right?

Look, honey, I know
you love your burps.

We all do.

But if we could just
put your gas aside,

just this once.



After that one, of course.

Now, come on, Al,
it is Saturday night,

and we are sitting at
home alone, doing nothing.

Didn't used to be like that.

Remember when we were young?

No.

Out every night.

Living, loving, taking
big mouthfuls of life.

Hoh. And then we met.

Huh.

But we had some great
times. And we can again.

Whatever we did
then, we can do now.

No, we can't, Peg, because
now when we make love,

I don't get to go home.

Peg, you're old. Revel in it.

Get yourself some Q-Tips

and burp yourself
to the grave, baby.

Saturday night is for
the young, not you.

Oh, yeah, youth.

Every kid in the world's

got somewhere to
go on Saturday night.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

You got any Popsicle
sticks? I'm building a house.

Save your pity.

I'm not the only boy in
this town without a date.

Don't move, amigos.
This one's for me.

Saturday night is
the night for amore.

Got me an older woman.

Ah. Now Bud's even
more depressed.

Say something to him, Al.

Son,

F Troop's on.

F Troop. Of course.

I'll have plenty of dates
once F Troop is over.

Plenty, I said.

And, uh, by the way,

in case you're wondering
why I'm in my pajamas,

I always wear them
under my clothes

so I'm ready when a
chick wants to go to bed.

They know you're lying.

No, they don't.

Just stay cool.

I don't think we
can pull this off.

Yes, we can.

We've got them fooled.
We've got everybody fooled.

Are you sure?

What's the difference?
We still have each other.

Al, we have to do something.

There's nothing left to do, Peg,

except pick out the
dress you wanna wear

when Dan Rather asks you
why your son shot the president.

I am talking about us.

We have to improve
our social life.

And I have the
answers right here.

Now, Peg, those
weren't the answers

since they stood
up by themselves.

They're not alone
in that, you know.

Look. I just bought the
new issue of Cosmo.

Aw, now, Peg. No. Now...

Now, look here, those articles

about married couples
having sex every month,

that's just a bunch
of sensationalistic...

Just a bunch of
sensationalistic lies

perpetrated on the
public to sell magazines.

It's just a bunch of
hooey, that's all. Hooey!

No normal man could...

Oh, relax, Al.

I'm not talking about sex.

Honey, look, there's
an article here:

"Is your marriage
dead? Talk it alive."

This says that we should
talk every Saturday night.

And that's what we're
gonna do. Starting tonight.

Now, we had plenty to
talk about when we first met.

Well, Peg, that was
before I got to know you.

There was a lot of things I
had to find out, you know.

There was stuff like:

"How far will she really go
on a six-pack?" And, you know:

"Would it be any fun for you

"to watch me and
your friend Joan?" Uh...

"Did she actually
see Deep Throat?"

You know...

Yeah, and there was that thing
that I always kept wondering:

"You know, how could
a man with such big feet

"have such a
teeny-weeny, tiny, little,

itsy...?" Peg.

Brain, honey.

Oh, come on, Al. Let's talk.

Fine. We'll talk.

Don't you dare.
We are talking here.

Peg, I refuse to talk to my wife
when I have a TV in the house.

Al, I wanna talk.

Talk to me!

Uh-oh. I'm out of gas.

Aren't you supposed to turn
the car off before you say that?

Well, what's the difference?

I mean, we both
know I'm not out of gas.

Oh, very nice. Now we both do.

God, I hate women.

All right.

Uh-oh. I'm out of gas.

For real?

Yeah.

Wow. What a coinkydink, huh?

Come here.

Don't you wanna talk first?

No.

If I wanted to talk,

I'd be hanging
out with the guys.

And I wouldn't
have had to shave.

Come here.

Come here?

If I wanted to listen
to one-word sentences

I would have been
out with the girls,

and I wouldn't
have had to shave.

You know, Kelly...

I'm sure there's a lot more
to you than meets the eye.

Unfortunately, I don't
really care about that part.

So why don't you just...

put out or get out.

Okay?

Well. A girl's gotta do
what a girl's gotta do, huh?

Exactly.

Oh!

It was good for me.
Was it good for you?

Have a nice walk home, tramp.

Tramp?

But I got out.

Oh, no.

Left, right, left, right,

left, right, right, right.

I must have forgotten
a left somewhere.

Oh, God, this walk has
totally discomboobled me.

But as I learned long ago,

it doesn't matter
where you walk,

just as long as you don't walk
and chew gum at the same time.

Left, right, left, right...

God, it's so much easier.

Look at me go. Left, right.

Fourteen miles?
It was 15 before.

It's just getting less.

Oh, doody.

Left, right, left, right...

Goes the owl.

Goes the cow.

Goes the girl
with the ride home.

So we've certainly learned
a lot about each other.

We have no opinions on
politics, religion, science,

starving people,

nuclear holocaust or recycling.

The only thing that we
seem to feel strongly about

is we both hate that
painting behind Jay Leno.

I do hate that
painting. It's terrible.

I don't know why
they put it there.

Well, now that we've broken
the ice, let's talk about us.

Yes!

Mommy, Daddy, I did it.

I did it. I got a date.

Yup. No more
sticky fingers for me.

You know, from
the Popsicle sticks.

Anyhow, I called
every girl in college

and finally, when I got to the
most beautiful girl in school,

she's the one who said,

"Thank you, Bud. Please,
please take me out."

So I guess I got
something special after all.

So where's a good place to
take a girl with the measles?

You know, son, you're a
mighty strange young fella.

Maybe so, maybe so.

But a strange young
fella with a date.

I know she's got a fever now,

but, uh, wait till
she feels the relief

from a cool, long-necked
Bud against her head.

Peg, I'm beginning
to think the kid

might have a problem or two.

Yes, but we don't have
the right kind of training

or concern to handle it.

So, Al, tell me,

what do you talk
about with your friends?

You can talk about
those things with me.

Well, Peg, I don't
talk to my friends.

You don't let me have any.

I don't talk to anybody.
I'm just not a talker.

It's not you, Peg,
it's just the way I am.

Hey, Al.

Jefferson, Jefferson, Jefferson,

how you doing? All right.

See the Bears game? Sure did.

Hey, you think Perot's
gonna be back in '96?

Not a chance. Doesn't
talk issues, my man.

Oh, by the way, remind me
to give you back that book.

As you said it, ending
was anticlimactic,

but the read getting there
was frankly compelling.

Mm.

You know, I got that camera
that you recommended,

and the f/1.2 lens was
worth the extra money.

Well, the faster the lens,
the more light you can use.

By the way, did you know
that Pavarotti is back in town?

Hey!

You got a brain that
you're not using with me?

That makes two things
you're not using with me.

Now, come on, Al,

it's not like I wanna be
your friend or anything.

I just want you to talk to me.

Communication problem, eh?

That started to happen to us.

That is, until we read Cosmo's

wonderful, penetrating article:

"Is Your Marriage
Dead? Talk It Alive."

It certainly helped Jefferson.

I didn't need any help,

because I'm naturally
perky and quite fascinating.

Actually, I don't
really need Cosmo,

but poor Jefferson does.

Honey, tell everyone

how that article on
temporary male impotence

has given you the
courage to try, try again.

You should see him.
He's so cute going:

"I think I can, I think
I can, I think I can."

Ahem. Of course,
that's after four times

of making her shake
like a California quake.

Huh?

And like Los Angeles,

I'm still waiting
for the big one.

Well, I'd settle
for an aftershock.

Oh, you should see Al.

No, I shouldn't.

Oh, snookums,

it's kind of cute, though.

It's like Groundhog Day,

peeking out, seeing
its own shadow,

getting scared and running away.

Not the shadow
it's scared of, Peg.

It's cute as the
dickens, though.

Yeah, well,

not as cute as my
little Bermuda Triangle.

Al, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Oh, I just might be.

This talk stuff
doesn't work for us.

Let's go upstairs.

Well, that doesn't
work for us either,

but it's quick, and we can
get back and watch TV.

Oh, Al. You said it, baby!

But you know, Al,

it is Saturday night, so I
must insist on foreplay.

Oh, all right. Here you go:

goose, goose, goose.

Well, you think we ought
to go home and do it?

Uh, make yourselves some
coffee, we'll be back in a second.

Come on, Peg, I'm
rounding third, baby!

Gotta go!

♪ Eighty-nine bottles
of beer On the wall ♪

♪ Eighty-nine bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
Should happen to fall ♪

♪ Eighty-ten bottles
of beer On the wall ♪

Hey.

What are you guys doing?

We have been by this
deer crossing forever,

but one hasn't come yet.

Maybe we should just go.

No. Don't.

Could be a trap.

We could start to cross,

and then a cop will
throw a deer out here.

And then we'll
all be in the pokey

sharing a cell with Mike Tyson.

Eww. Ugh.

So, what are you
guys doing here?

Are you a "Car
Broken Down"? CBD?

Or a "Put Out or
Get Out"? POOGO.

POOGO. POOGO.

Yeah, I guess that makes
us the three POOGO-teers.

Athos, Porthos and Moe.

Who are they?

Uh, they're these
guys from this book

based on the candy bar.

Well, we could wait here forever

for a stupid deer to cross

but, uh, I guess we should
do the sensible thing.

Let's sit down and wait. Okay?

This road brings back memories

of my old boyfriend
Tony DiVitteto.

Did you use to
come here with him?

No. Why would you think that?

Tramps.

Hey wait, officer,
we need a ride home.

Damn.

Who does he think he
is, calling us tramps?

Yeah. I resent that.

I mean, must a
girl wear underwear

to get respect in this town?

I mean, why do
men call us tramps?

Because they're morons.

I mean, men are the real tramps.

They'll do it for anyone,
any time, any place.

Oh, for instance,

I was walking home from a date
one time through the cemetery,

and I heard these
people wailing:

"Oh, Grandpa. Oh, Grandpa."

And everybody's
weeping and everything.

And then I hear this guy go:

"Hooters at 5:00."

And so everyone
turns to look at me,

the pallbearers drop the casket,

Grandpa's head
comes rolling out...

It was a railroad accident.

And men from the funeral
come running up to me going:

"God, I love Grandpa.
Let's do it in his casket."

Men are tramps.

Yeah, they sure are.

And we do not, as rumored,

spend our lives on our backs.

Hey, isn't that the
constellation Orion?

I can't tell. Wait a second.

Yup. It is.

Pretty.

There's a car. Hey. Hi.

Come on, stop.

Hi, Kelly.

I know you've been punished,

because, uh, you had to
spend the last hour Ralph-less.

But... being that
I'm a forgiving guy,

I'm willing to let you hop in

and... partake in
the nectar that is I.

Hey. How about this?

I'm with my friends,

so, uh, why don't we
all go into the field,

and we can fight over you.

You know, pull each other's hair

and roll around until
our dresses ride up

or get ripped to
shreds or something?

Well, I guess I'm, uh...

Ralph enough for three.

Oh, wait. And Ralph, um...

why don't you pull
your pants down?

You know, to
further fire our ardor?

All right. But hold
each other's hands.

I don't want anyone
to get frightened.

All right. Here comes
a big slice of heaven.

Hey. Stupid tramps.

That's not the field.

That's my car.

And that is not even
Ralph enough for one.

So long, sucker.

W-w-wait a second.

How am I supposed to get home?

Walk in these, butthead.

Hey, buddy.

How's it going?

My car broke down.

So, what are you so happy about?

Because it broke down on
my way home from the date.

I just got me some.

Well, I... I was
out with this girl,

and I bought her popcorn,

took her to the
movies, everything.

She wouldn't put out.

Some tramp named,
uh, Kelly Bundy.

So I guess it was her loss, huh?

Definitely.

Well, uh, I better get on home.

I just got the measles,
and I'm really contagious.

Consider that a
present from Kelly.