Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 7 - If I Could See Me Now - full transcript
Al keeps barely avoiding minor accidents, so Bud and Kelly try to convince him to get glasses, but he keeps insisting that his vision is perfect.
As God is my witness,
I will never drive
anyone in this family
anyplace ever again.
All I get from you
are complaints.
I think you kids are nuts.
I didn't think it was scary.
Get some glasses, Dad.
For the thousandth time,
I do not need glasses.
You're overreacting. Ask anyone.
Fine. Buck?
I'm telling you, I do
not need glasses.
My vision was checked
in the fourth grade,
and it's perfect.
Then how come you
missed that big sign?
One sign.
"Bridge and Zere Street."
No, that was "bridge
ends here," Dad.
Daddy, I have never
been so scared in my life.
I thought I was gonna die.
Worse than that, I thought I
was gonna die with my family.
How uncool is that?
Well, we didn't go all
the way into the river.
Close enough to
hear the fish hacking.
Come on, Daddy.
Why don't you just break down
and get some glasses.
I mean, what are you afraid of?
All it says is that
you're blind and old.
Dad's not old.
I mean, he can still do
everything he used to.
See him sitting there?
Just like when we were babies.
Way to go, Dad.
And it never occurred
to anyone here
that I read "bridge ends here"
just fine and floored it anyway?
Now...
I'm going to prove my
prowess by reading TV Guide.
"TV Guide."
There. Any more doubters?
Who's on the cover?
Raymond Burr.
It's Delta Burke, Dad. Aw.
Raymond Burr, Delta Burke.
Tell me I'm the first one
to make that mistake.
Well... Okay.
Yeah, ha!
Now...
where's my remote control?
Ha-ha. Glasses, eh?
What the hell's wrong
with this thing now?
You know, it doesn't seem right
making fun of Dad without Mom.
Well, she was in a food coma
when we left,
so she should be awake soon.
I'm hungry.
Yep. Right on time.
Well, I guess it's time for
a trip on down to Cake and Cow.
Mm-hm.
Damn remote.
Kids, get me some
batteries while you're out.
Hey. Is, uh...
Is, uh...? Is Al busy?
Well, he's been
spending a lot of time
thinking about man's
ultimate place in the universe.
♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
And there you have... ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
He must be on a break. Mm.
Hi, Al. Hey, I'm
sorry to bother you.
I thought maybe we'd catch
a ball game or something.
I'm not allowed to
watch sports at home.
Marcie feels it's a bad
influence on the fetus.
Mm. What's she watching?
Chippendales video.
No.
Ah, there we go. Sports.
Good old American entertainment.
You know, the problem with
women is they'll watch anything.
Yeah. We're more selective.
Right. Who's playing?
I don't know. All right.
We'll be right back
with our Cuban Little
League game of the week.
This could be good. Well...
And don't forget to order
our fabulous sports bloopers
that weren't quite
funny enough to make it
on the 20 other tapes
that we're selling.
And now, let's have our
sports quiz for the day.
And the first caller with the
correct answer wins $100.
Hundred bucks?
Hey, Al, you know
a lot about sports.
Maybe you could win the hundred
and buy yourself a newer Dodge.
Ha-ha-ha.
No chance.
These questions are so obscure,
you have to have no life
whatsoever to get the answer.
Who played center field
for the Chicago White Sox
in the '59 World Series?
Jim Landis. I know
that. That's Jim Landis.
The number is on the
bottom of your screen.
"One-nine-oh-oh..."
Uh... "Five-five..."
Wha...? What's the matter, Al?
Can't you see that?
We... Yes, I can
see it. There's...
too many damn numbers there.
Hello. Jim Landis.
Huh? No, I... I'm
not Jim Landis.
I'm answering the question.
Jim Landis.
What do you mean, fish?
F-fish didn't play center field.
Fish was a spinoff
on Barney Miller.
Huh?
Oh, that's ridiculous. Why
would I call a fish store?
I think you got the
wrong number, Al.
No, I didn't. I saw those
numbers just as plain
as I see Bea Arthur's
face on that TV.
That's Fidel Castro. Oh.
That's an honest mistake.
Nobody's answered
our question yet.
Someone should know this.
We're gonna flash the
number one more time.
Got it!
Jim Landis.
Hold everything.
We've got a winner.
Wha...? My name?
Uh, Jefferson D'Arcy.
That's my money.
I'm sorry, Al, you
gotta be quicker.
It's a young man's world.
Yeah.
Daddy, what
happened to our door?
Hm? Oh, a young
man went through it.
Oh.
Daddy. What are you doing?
What does it look like, honey?
I'm watching TV.
Well, turn it off for a second
because I wanna talk to you.
Uh, sweetheart, the sports
question is about to come on.
This will only take a minute.
Now, I wanna talk
to you about glasses.
I don't need glasses.
No, Daddy, you do
not want glasses.
And I know why.
You don't want glasses
because you're vain.
Because you're
feeling old and ugly.
You don't want to
be called a four-eyes,
a geek, an owl boy...
professor, dorko, Poindexter...
Magoo.
Let's see, what else?
Goofus.
No, that's more if
your ears stick out.
You know? Have you
seen those people...?
Go away.
I'm not done yet, Dad.
Now, let me tell
you a little story
about a boy I used to
date in the fourth grade.
He was very handsome.
A tight little butt, big
blue bedroom eyes.
This was in the fourth grade?
Well, he was left back a year.
Hey, Dad.
Who was the guy who
played for the Celtics
they called the best
sixth man in basketball?
- Frank Ramsey.
- Thanks, Dad.
Go ahead, pumpkin.
Anyway, this guy was great.
He was the most
popular boy in the school.
And then one day,
he got glasses.
And you liked him anyway.
God, no. I dumped
him right away.
He looked like an
idiot with those glasses.
Everybody laughed at him.
It ruined his life.
I think he ended up in
an institution or something.
It's a sad story, I guess.
I don't know. Hm.
Is there a point to all this?
Yes, there is.
Now, if a guy who had everything
to live for got glasses,
then there is certainly
no reason for you not to.
For to see is more
important than to be.
Fini.
You're never leaving
home, are you?
I don't think so.
ANNOUNCER: We have a winner.
The answer to our
quiz was Frank Ramsey.
Congratulations today's
winner, Bud Bundy.
Well...
let's go out and get
old Dad some glasses.
What for?
So I can see the
expression on your face
when I'm choking you.
I can't.
No... No, you do have to.
I don't wanna be a Poindexter.
Relax, Dad.
You know, plenty of
cool guys wear glasses.
I'm Wally.
Please don't want
me. I'm married.
Good. Then there's hope
for my brother. Hm-hm.
Now, Daddy, show
him your prescription.
Can you see me?
Just give me some glasses.
Of course, sir.
Uh, you just go through
our veritable myriad
of hip and trendy frames.
Uh...
Mine, for instance, are
from our Casanova line.
You know, I get more
chicks than my friend
who's a dry cleaner.
Kids, listen. I need some help
picking out my frames.
I... I'm afraid I may not know
what cool is anymore.
You lie.
I mean...
the shirt, the pants
and those shoes.
Now surely, those
are no accident.
Well...
No, no. On clothes
I'm confident.
But I need help
with the glasses.
See, I'm counting on
you guys to help me
pick out something
cool, yet understated.
Count on us, big guy.
♪ Clean shirt, new shoes ♪
♪ And I don't know
Where I am goin' to ♪
♪ Silk suit, black tie ♪
♪ And I don't need
a reason Why ♪
♪ They come runnin'
Just as fast as they can ♪
♪ 'Cause every girl's crazy
'Bout a sharp dressed man ♪
♪ Gold watch Diamond ring ♪
♪ I ain't missin'
Not a single thing ♪
♪ And cufflinks Stick pin ♪
♪ When I step out
I'm gonna do you in ♪
♪ They come runnin'
Just as fast as they can ♪
♪ 'Cause every girl's crazy
'Bout a sharp dressed man ♪
Buck...
May I present the man with
the goo-goo-googly eyes:
Specs Bundy.
I can't believe how
cool I look, eh, kids?
Pretty proud moment, eh, Kel?
This is how the young
Redenbachers must feel.
Hey kids, watch this.
TV Guide, s'il vous plaît.
There he is, big as
life: Raymond Burr.
It's Delta Burke, Dad.
Delta Burke, Raymond
Burr, city of Seattle.
What's the difference?
Now...
who wants to take a
ride with Daddy in the car
and read some billboards
from very long distance?
Wow.
You mean a chance to
cruise in the dad-mobile?
Oh. Listen, Dad. If we
pick up on some chicks,
will you put your
sunglasses on and say,
"You is one fine woman"?
Yeah, I'll go too, Daddy.
But only if we can cruise
by some of my friends,
and you stick out your
teeth like a horse and go:
"Hi, girls, I'm Kelly's dad."
So you're suddenly ashamed
to be seen with old Dad, huh?
Well, I wouldn't say suddenly.
You know, you people reek.
What's bothering you is
not that I have glasses,
but that I'm happy.
Well, get ready
for a life of misery,
because I shall
continue to be happy
with my new
twenty-twenty vision.
Now...
Now, I'm about to go out
and partake of
some of the beauty
which our fair city affords us.
If you, uh...
need me, I'll be
at the nudie bar.
Yeah, babe, well, I
guess old Grandmaster B
can fit you into his schedule.
Let's see, uh,
how's Friday at 9?
W-well, 10's okay too.
Well, look, it doesn't
have to be Friday.
Uh-huh. Well, then it's settled.
I'll call you again.
Well...
Well, do you have
any idea when hell
is supposed to freeze over?!
Hello?!
Aw.
There, there, Cross-dresser B.
Real close, Kel.
It's Grandmaster B.
Oh.
I didn't mean to insult
you, Grandpappy B,
but...
I do have something
that might cheer you up.
Oh, what? You make
customer of the week
at the free clinic again?
You're quite a jester,
Bell-ringer B. Ha-ha.
Anyhow...
I was doing a little research.
Well, actually I was
talking to the girls
about how ugly you are.
And it came to light
that Mother Nature
has yet to play its
cruelest joke on you.
Now, we knew way back
when, when you were a baby,
that you'd be like Dad,
and be bald when you're 20.
But guess what.
Odds are you'll be blind
and need glasses too.
Now, just so you're not
surprised when this happens,
we worked up a little computer
composite of you at 30.
You know, Kel,
I'd draw a picture of you at 25,
but I don't have a large
enough piece of paper.
Thank God Dad's home.
That should put an end
to the cruelty in this house.
How's it going, bottles?
You know, kids,
eyesight is a curse.
You can see everything.
My car, for instance.
Have you ever noticed
how ugly Daddy's car is?
Mm-hm.
Ah, well... you gotta
catch it on the right day.
You know, the sun
glinting off the rust.
The cloth that you
use as a gas cap
flapping gently in the wind...
as it's being proudly towed
towards its destination.
Yeah, well, try
to explain my job.
You know, let me
tell you something.
People who work putting shoes
on fat women who wear dresses
should not have
twenty-twenty vision.
I saw things on human legs today
that would have put a white
flag in Schwarzkopf's hand.
And you know the worst part?
You actually saw your paycheck?
Yeah. Yeah, but I sent it back,
because it just can't be right.
Anyhow... every day at 3:00,
I see this girl that works
down at the aerobics shop.
You know, she flirts
with me, I flirt with her.
It's nothing. But it gets
you through the day.
Anyway, I always thought she
was pretty, but today I saw her,
and... she's 40.
I mean, 40.
I mean, she's old.
But Dad, you're over 40.
Yeah, but I'm a guy, so
it's totally different. I mean...
No, I mean, I can't believe it.
She's not a girl. She's a woman.
Well, did she like
your new glasses?
Well, what the hell do I care
what a 40-year-old woman thinks?
Then I come home.
Home?
I mean, look at this place.
Look at that furniture.
Look... Look at that table.
What the hell is this?
That... That's Mom, Dad.
Oh, this is just too much!
And look at me.
I got wrinkles. Now, I
never saw those before.
What happened to
the top of my head?
I'm an old man.
My life is really over.
There.
I feel better already.
Al Bundy is back.
Where's my remote control?
You know, kids,
this is a lesson.
Now, I may not see too well.
I may kill a few
people on the streets
and occasionally
drive into a river...
but it's better
than looking stupid.
You know something?
I feel younger already.
I didn't think there was
this much action on
Designing Women.
I will never drive
anyone in this family
anyplace ever again.
All I get from you
are complaints.
I think you kids are nuts.
I didn't think it was scary.
Get some glasses, Dad.
For the thousandth time,
I do not need glasses.
You're overreacting. Ask anyone.
Fine. Buck?
I'm telling you, I do
not need glasses.
My vision was checked
in the fourth grade,
and it's perfect.
Then how come you
missed that big sign?
One sign.
"Bridge and Zere Street."
No, that was "bridge
ends here," Dad.
Daddy, I have never
been so scared in my life.
I thought I was gonna die.
Worse than that, I thought I
was gonna die with my family.
How uncool is that?
Well, we didn't go all
the way into the river.
Close enough to
hear the fish hacking.
Come on, Daddy.
Why don't you just break down
and get some glasses.
I mean, what are you afraid of?
All it says is that
you're blind and old.
Dad's not old.
I mean, he can still do
everything he used to.
See him sitting there?
Just like when we were babies.
Way to go, Dad.
And it never occurred
to anyone here
that I read "bridge ends here"
just fine and floored it anyway?
Now...
I'm going to prove my
prowess by reading TV Guide.
"TV Guide."
There. Any more doubters?
Who's on the cover?
Raymond Burr.
It's Delta Burke, Dad. Aw.
Raymond Burr, Delta Burke.
Tell me I'm the first one
to make that mistake.
Well... Okay.
Yeah, ha!
Now...
where's my remote control?
Ha-ha. Glasses, eh?
What the hell's wrong
with this thing now?
You know, it doesn't seem right
making fun of Dad without Mom.
Well, she was in a food coma
when we left,
so she should be awake soon.
I'm hungry.
Yep. Right on time.
Well, I guess it's time for
a trip on down to Cake and Cow.
Mm-hm.
Damn remote.
Kids, get me some
batteries while you're out.
Hey. Is, uh...
Is, uh...? Is Al busy?
Well, he's been
spending a lot of time
thinking about man's
ultimate place in the universe.
♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
And there you have... ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
He must be on a break. Mm.
Hi, Al. Hey, I'm
sorry to bother you.
I thought maybe we'd catch
a ball game or something.
I'm not allowed to
watch sports at home.
Marcie feels it's a bad
influence on the fetus.
Mm. What's she watching?
Chippendales video.
No.
Ah, there we go. Sports.
Good old American entertainment.
You know, the problem with
women is they'll watch anything.
Yeah. We're more selective.
Right. Who's playing?
I don't know. All right.
We'll be right back
with our Cuban Little
League game of the week.
This could be good. Well...
And don't forget to order
our fabulous sports bloopers
that weren't quite
funny enough to make it
on the 20 other tapes
that we're selling.
And now, let's have our
sports quiz for the day.
And the first caller with the
correct answer wins $100.
Hundred bucks?
Hey, Al, you know
a lot about sports.
Maybe you could win the hundred
and buy yourself a newer Dodge.
Ha-ha-ha.
No chance.
These questions are so obscure,
you have to have no life
whatsoever to get the answer.
Who played center field
for the Chicago White Sox
in the '59 World Series?
Jim Landis. I know
that. That's Jim Landis.
The number is on the
bottom of your screen.
"One-nine-oh-oh..."
Uh... "Five-five..."
Wha...? What's the matter, Al?
Can't you see that?
We... Yes, I can
see it. There's...
too many damn numbers there.
Hello. Jim Landis.
Huh? No, I... I'm
not Jim Landis.
I'm answering the question.
Jim Landis.
What do you mean, fish?
F-fish didn't play center field.
Fish was a spinoff
on Barney Miller.
Huh?
Oh, that's ridiculous. Why
would I call a fish store?
I think you got the
wrong number, Al.
No, I didn't. I saw those
numbers just as plain
as I see Bea Arthur's
face on that TV.
That's Fidel Castro. Oh.
That's an honest mistake.
Nobody's answered
our question yet.
Someone should know this.
We're gonna flash the
number one more time.
Got it!
Jim Landis.
Hold everything.
We've got a winner.
Wha...? My name?
Uh, Jefferson D'Arcy.
That's my money.
I'm sorry, Al, you
gotta be quicker.
It's a young man's world.
Yeah.
Daddy, what
happened to our door?
Hm? Oh, a young
man went through it.
Oh.
Daddy. What are you doing?
What does it look like, honey?
I'm watching TV.
Well, turn it off for a second
because I wanna talk to you.
Uh, sweetheart, the sports
question is about to come on.
This will only take a minute.
Now, I wanna talk
to you about glasses.
I don't need glasses.
No, Daddy, you do
not want glasses.
And I know why.
You don't want glasses
because you're vain.
Because you're
feeling old and ugly.
You don't want to
be called a four-eyes,
a geek, an owl boy...
professor, dorko, Poindexter...
Magoo.
Let's see, what else?
Goofus.
No, that's more if
your ears stick out.
You know? Have you
seen those people...?
Go away.
I'm not done yet, Dad.
Now, let me tell
you a little story
about a boy I used to
date in the fourth grade.
He was very handsome.
A tight little butt, big
blue bedroom eyes.
This was in the fourth grade?
Well, he was left back a year.
Hey, Dad.
Who was the guy who
played for the Celtics
they called the best
sixth man in basketball?
- Frank Ramsey.
- Thanks, Dad.
Go ahead, pumpkin.
Anyway, this guy was great.
He was the most
popular boy in the school.
And then one day,
he got glasses.
And you liked him anyway.
God, no. I dumped
him right away.
He looked like an
idiot with those glasses.
Everybody laughed at him.
It ruined his life.
I think he ended up in
an institution or something.
It's a sad story, I guess.
I don't know. Hm.
Is there a point to all this?
Yes, there is.
Now, if a guy who had everything
to live for got glasses,
then there is certainly
no reason for you not to.
For to see is more
important than to be.
Fini.
You're never leaving
home, are you?
I don't think so.
ANNOUNCER: We have a winner.
The answer to our
quiz was Frank Ramsey.
Congratulations today's
winner, Bud Bundy.
Well...
let's go out and get
old Dad some glasses.
What for?
So I can see the
expression on your face
when I'm choking you.
I can't.
No... No, you do have to.
I don't wanna be a Poindexter.
Relax, Dad.
You know, plenty of
cool guys wear glasses.
I'm Wally.
Please don't want
me. I'm married.
Good. Then there's hope
for my brother. Hm-hm.
Now, Daddy, show
him your prescription.
Can you see me?
Just give me some glasses.
Of course, sir.
Uh, you just go through
our veritable myriad
of hip and trendy frames.
Uh...
Mine, for instance, are
from our Casanova line.
You know, I get more
chicks than my friend
who's a dry cleaner.
Kids, listen. I need some help
picking out my frames.
I... I'm afraid I may not know
what cool is anymore.
You lie.
I mean...
the shirt, the pants
and those shoes.
Now surely, those
are no accident.
Well...
No, no. On clothes
I'm confident.
But I need help
with the glasses.
See, I'm counting on
you guys to help me
pick out something
cool, yet understated.
Count on us, big guy.
♪ Clean shirt, new shoes ♪
♪ And I don't know
Where I am goin' to ♪
♪ Silk suit, black tie ♪
♪ And I don't need
a reason Why ♪
♪ They come runnin'
Just as fast as they can ♪
♪ 'Cause every girl's crazy
'Bout a sharp dressed man ♪
♪ Gold watch Diamond ring ♪
♪ I ain't missin'
Not a single thing ♪
♪ And cufflinks Stick pin ♪
♪ When I step out
I'm gonna do you in ♪
♪ They come runnin'
Just as fast as they can ♪
♪ 'Cause every girl's crazy
'Bout a sharp dressed man ♪
Buck...
May I present the man with
the goo-goo-googly eyes:
Specs Bundy.
I can't believe how
cool I look, eh, kids?
Pretty proud moment, eh, Kel?
This is how the young
Redenbachers must feel.
Hey kids, watch this.
TV Guide, s'il vous plaît.
There he is, big as
life: Raymond Burr.
It's Delta Burke, Dad.
Delta Burke, Raymond
Burr, city of Seattle.
What's the difference?
Now...
who wants to take a
ride with Daddy in the car
and read some billboards
from very long distance?
Wow.
You mean a chance to
cruise in the dad-mobile?
Oh. Listen, Dad. If we
pick up on some chicks,
will you put your
sunglasses on and say,
"You is one fine woman"?
Yeah, I'll go too, Daddy.
But only if we can cruise
by some of my friends,
and you stick out your
teeth like a horse and go:
"Hi, girls, I'm Kelly's dad."
So you're suddenly ashamed
to be seen with old Dad, huh?
Well, I wouldn't say suddenly.
You know, you people reek.
What's bothering you is
not that I have glasses,
but that I'm happy.
Well, get ready
for a life of misery,
because I shall
continue to be happy
with my new
twenty-twenty vision.
Now...
Now, I'm about to go out
and partake of
some of the beauty
which our fair city affords us.
If you, uh...
need me, I'll be
at the nudie bar.
Yeah, babe, well, I
guess old Grandmaster B
can fit you into his schedule.
Let's see, uh,
how's Friday at 9?
W-well, 10's okay too.
Well, look, it doesn't
have to be Friday.
Uh-huh. Well, then it's settled.
I'll call you again.
Well...
Well, do you have
any idea when hell
is supposed to freeze over?!
Hello?!
Aw.
There, there, Cross-dresser B.
Real close, Kel.
It's Grandmaster B.
Oh.
I didn't mean to insult
you, Grandpappy B,
but...
I do have something
that might cheer you up.
Oh, what? You make
customer of the week
at the free clinic again?
You're quite a jester,
Bell-ringer B. Ha-ha.
Anyhow...
I was doing a little research.
Well, actually I was
talking to the girls
about how ugly you are.
And it came to light
that Mother Nature
has yet to play its
cruelest joke on you.
Now, we knew way back
when, when you were a baby,
that you'd be like Dad,
and be bald when you're 20.
But guess what.
Odds are you'll be blind
and need glasses too.
Now, just so you're not
surprised when this happens,
we worked up a little computer
composite of you at 30.
You know, Kel,
I'd draw a picture of you at 25,
but I don't have a large
enough piece of paper.
Thank God Dad's home.
That should put an end
to the cruelty in this house.
How's it going, bottles?
You know, kids,
eyesight is a curse.
You can see everything.
My car, for instance.
Have you ever noticed
how ugly Daddy's car is?
Mm-hm.
Ah, well... you gotta
catch it on the right day.
You know, the sun
glinting off the rust.
The cloth that you
use as a gas cap
flapping gently in the wind...
as it's being proudly towed
towards its destination.
Yeah, well, try
to explain my job.
You know, let me
tell you something.
People who work putting shoes
on fat women who wear dresses
should not have
twenty-twenty vision.
I saw things on human legs today
that would have put a white
flag in Schwarzkopf's hand.
And you know the worst part?
You actually saw your paycheck?
Yeah. Yeah, but I sent it back,
because it just can't be right.
Anyhow... every day at 3:00,
I see this girl that works
down at the aerobics shop.
You know, she flirts
with me, I flirt with her.
It's nothing. But it gets
you through the day.
Anyway, I always thought she
was pretty, but today I saw her,
and... she's 40.
I mean, 40.
I mean, she's old.
But Dad, you're over 40.
Yeah, but I'm a guy, so
it's totally different. I mean...
No, I mean, I can't believe it.
She's not a girl. She's a woman.
Well, did she like
your new glasses?
Well, what the hell do I care
what a 40-year-old woman thinks?
Then I come home.
Home?
I mean, look at this place.
Look at that furniture.
Look... Look at that table.
What the hell is this?
That... That's Mom, Dad.
Oh, this is just too much!
And look at me.
I got wrinkles. Now, I
never saw those before.
What happened to
the top of my head?
I'm an old man.
My life is really over.
There.
I feel better already.
Al Bundy is back.
Where's my remote control?
You know, kids,
this is a lesson.
Now, I may not see too well.
I may kill a few
people on the streets
and occasionally
drive into a river...
but it's better
than looking stupid.
You know something?
I feel younger already.
I didn't think there was
this much action on
Designing Women.