Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 6 - Buck Has a Belly Ache - full transcript

Do we have the munchies?

Well, how does a nice salami,
goat cheese, peanut butter,

and crayfish sandwich sound?

Ha, ha.

Now, I wonder where we
could dig one of those up.

Well, lookie here.

Look out below.

Hm. Something's missing.

Ah.

Here's your ice cream,
Mom. Tabaki and clam.

That's the missing ingredient.



Ew.

Well, it's not for
me, it's for the baby.

What's she carrying in
there, a chain-smoking otter?

Damn, they always put
the clams on the bottom.

Oh, Mom, we saw
something very interesting

on the way home today.

We saw some pregnant women
coming out of the supermarket

and they were pushing
carts filled with that...

Oh, God, what do you call it?

Groceries.

Yeah.

So we'd like to see exactly
where Dr. Spock says

that pregnant women can't
feed anyone named Bud or Kelly.

I think it's page 15.



Hey...

don't pull that with us.

Bud can read, ya know.

Can't I enjoy the
motherhood experience

without you two children
yapping at my heels?

Well, I say that the
born have rights too.

Bud and I are one girl
who has had enough.

Now feed us.

All right, ya little ingrates.

The two of you may share a
spoon of my tabaki ice cream.

Yeah, I don't want
any tabaki ice cream.

I still have my pride.

I'm not putting anything
that disgusting in my...

Hey, dog food.

Yeah, I remember this brand.

It's got extra horse.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, well, why isn't
Buck eating any?

He hasn't eaten for three days.

Ah, the poor guy. Well, here.

To your health.

Mm-mm.

Harriet, Ricky, David.

I have a little announcement.

We're gonna have to start

tightening our
belts around here.

We can still keep the
help, can't we, Papa?

Oh, sure, just keep
eating that dog food,

oblivious to the problems
of the rest of the world.

But from now on, I'm gonna need
every nickel we got around here.

Al, you haven't said
anything to the baby.

I'm sorry.

Get a job.

Anyway, employees of the
mall are no longer allowed to park

in the free parking lot.

I have to park on the
street two blocks away

where the city has
thoughtfully installed

new one-hour parking meters.

Yep, I guess they
figured that parkin' for free

and working for a shoe store
was arousing too much jealousy.

Gee, I sense a keen
"remember when" speech coming.

Remember when you could park

on the street for
free in this country?

Am I the only one that
senses that, slowly but surely,

our freedoms are
being taken away?

The freedom to park.

The freedom not to
fasten your seat belt.

To not to worry about
having a working muffler.

Back then, you knew
a man was coming

by the black smoke belching
out the back of his American car

as he tossed... As
he tossed beer cans

and french-fry
packages out the window.

Now how's a man
supposed to have fun?

By being with his family?

I weep for this country.

That's very touching, honey.

Now rub my feet.

Peg, I wouldn't rub your feet
if a genie popped out of 'em.

But be warned about this,

I don't wanna hear
about anybody's problems.

Nothing is going to
get me off this couch.

Uh, Dad, I think Buck is sick.

My baby?

What's the matter
with my hairy man?

We've been married for 20 years

and that's just starting
to bother you now?

I was talking about
the dog, Brünnehilde.

Well, what's wrong with him?

I don't know. He
hasn't eaten in days.

Well, you know, I'm running
a little low on foodstuffs,

so maybe you guys
could go out and get...

Hey, you know, there's a
new pet shop in the mall.

Why don't we go and see if we
can get Buck different dog food.

Well, let's go! Okay.

Uh, on your way back,
could you stop at Ox Kebab

and bring me back a John
Madden with the works.

Did your mother say something?

Ah, who knows?

Who cares, anyway?

So...

they have all this time for
the dog and none for me.

Does that mean I
rank below an animal?

Yeah. These are
frail times for us both.

You know, I tell ya,
by the way they act

you'd think that we were
unpleasant to be around.

Oh, by the way,

did you bring the gas tablets?

Oh.

Well, uh, didn't you
bring any for you?

No, I got boxes of
that stuff at home.

Jefferson eats it like candy.

He's having a
sympathetic pregnancy.

It's the cutest thing.

Well...

nobody better pull my finger.

Did you finish painting
the nursery, honey?

Ah, I couldn't.

Every time I'd go up the
ladder, I'd have to go pee.

Then I'd sit there and
nothing would happen.

Look, my feet are all swollen.

They're big as tubs.

I just wanna cry.

I'm just so happy.

God, he's good at this.

Tell me about it.

He felt his baby
kick before I did.

Yeah, I did.

Is Al feeling anything?

Well, just the pride
any man would feel

who has to ask his
son for an allowance.

My uterus hurts.

Wow, he is good at this.

You know, I...

I just think it's beautiful how
your husband shares your pain.

It is. He's a wonderful man.

I am.

Touch me, Marcie, I
wanna feel your warmth.

Good news, Dad,
the D'Arcys are here.

Kids, take a good long look.

This is worth a thousand
condom commercials.

All right, let's feed Buck,

unless they've
already eaten him.

Rub my belly.

Rub my belly.

Rub my belly.

Kids, don't look
back. We'll all be salt.

Come on, Buck.

We got you some new food.

Look, cat parts.

You can taste the meow.

Come on, boy.

Tell Daddy what's
wrong. Tell me.

Al?

What, boy?

It's me, you Milk Dud.

Well, look, I wanna
know right this minute

why your feet aren't swollen

and you never complain
about your breasts.

Yeah, Daddy, why?

Well, Peg, if you don't
have 'em they can't hurt.

Tell 'em, Marcie.

Kids, I know what
will be good for Buck:

A nice ride in the fresh air.

Come on, let's go.

All right, let's go.

Uh, I-I-I'd like to go
out into the fresh air.

Did your mother say
something? Ah, who knows.

I don't think so. Who
cares, anyway? Come on.

Gee, what if they love
Buck more than me?

Oh, well, that's
just impossible.

You oughta see Buck, Peg,

with his head sticking
out the window

just like you used to do.

Well, I'll tell you one thing,
I'm glad he's not my husband.

I know I haven't
treated you like I should,

but it doesn't mean I
don't care about you.

Things'll change from now on.

You know I always loved you.

I don't know what's
wrong with him, Peg.

Well, maybe he
wants both my pillows.

Comfy, boy?

You want Mommy's robe?

Okay, Dad.

Look. We got Buck
a hot-water bottle...

and some new doggy toys...

Well, did you get
my tushy loofa?

No. Now, listen.

Good news.

Buck's vet says there's
nothing wrong with him.

He thinks he
might feel neglected

with the baby coming and all.

Look, kids, let's cheer Buck up.

Get on the bed.

Okay.

Now, let's all make
funny faces to Buck.

Okay. Okay.

Uh, if I don't get some
attention real soon,

I'm leaving.

Come on, boy. Ooh.

Well, I mean it. I'll go.

Hey, I got a good idea.

Let's go downstairs and
get us some of that dog food,

show Buck how it's done.

Yeah, I like that
stuff. It's good. Okay.

Let's go and get some grub, boy.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

I need some attention.

I'm pregnant.

All right, fine.

Then I'm leaving.

If you love that
dog so much, just...

Just go to him when you need...

Um...

To know, uh...

Uh...

Hmm.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter,

'cause I'm leaving.

Did Mom say something?

I don't think so.

Mom? Who's that?

And that's why I came
home to Wanker County.

I'm just so happy to be here.

I needed to be around some
normal people, Cousin Eb.

And since when do we talk
when a man's got his bag on?

Now, what were you gonna say?

Well, what I wanted to say

was that I thought a saw fly
dive right into your feedbag.

What do you think the
rotten meat's in there for?

In case they're not
serving anything

at the embassy party you'd like.

Clever bon mot, Cousin Peggy.

So where's Mom?

She's over at Stumptown
for the Festival of the Big'uns.

Where's Dad?

Oh, you know your pa.

We keep telling him
it's okay to come down,

Ma's gone, but he's saving
all his courage for a real run.

Well, I better go say hi.

I was always his favorite.
He'll be glad to see me.

Hi, Dad. I'm here.

It's Peggy.

Ooh.

Well, he must have
thought you were your ma.

He threw down her fork.

And her knife.

Well, I wanna be comforted.

I had a long bus trip and
all I had to eat was my lunch

and the lunches of the
elderly who dozed off near me.

And I left home 'cause I just
wasn't gettin' enough attention.

So now that I'm here,
I wanna be loved.

If you can do it for a hen named
Charo, you can do it for me.

Woo-ee, listen to that tongue.

You can still shrivel a
man like a three-hour bath.

Oh.

Well, don't fret, Cousin Peggy.

I called a family meetin'.

We gonna take good
Wanker-care of you.

Ee-ee-ee, ooh.

Ee-ee-ee.

Oh, ho, ho, it's Possum Boy!

Ha, ha, ha.

Ee-ee-ee, ooh.

Ee-ee-ee, ooh.

Ee-ee-ee, ooh.

Oh, Possum Boy.

How have you been?

I got run over by one of
them new Mustang cars today.

Woo! Ee-ee-ee.

So you still like to lay down
in the roads in the afternoon?

Heck, you never grow
out of that kind of stuff.

I love the scent of the hot tar,

the hypnotic spell of the
headlights bearing down on me

and the feeling of flight when
you go bouncing off that grill.

I'll tell you, you city folk
can keep your Disneyland

'cause there,
when the ride's over

you don't wake up in a
ditch next to your breakfast.

Only in America.

Hey, it's Young Kit
and his new bride.

Hi there.

Cousin Effie. Why,
you got married again.

That's the 5th time, isn't it?

Well, they keep dying on me.

That's why, this time,
I married a young'un.

Come on, sweetie.

Ain't he spry?

He's still got
all his teeth too.

Show her, honey.

I may have to chew his food
but when it comes to loving,

thank God he's got six brothers.

Peggy, I hear tell
you're from the city.

You got any pictures of breasts?

Well, what particular species
were you looking for? Ha, ha.

Is this a family reunion
or is this a family reunion?

Now, get us somethin' to eat.

Me? Well, I'm pregnant.

I came down here so
you could take care of me.

Well, don't you
worry, Cousin Peggy,

we gonna take care of you

like we take care of all
our expectant women.

See that, Cousin Peggy?
You looking better already.

Well, who wouldn't...

after building a table,
changing the oil in the tractor,

and listening to the old guy
pass gas to the tune of "Dixie."

Now, when do I get
something to eat around here...?

Hey, is that a car passing by?

Gosh. Well, who was that?

If we knew, we wouldn't
be shooting at him.

All right, I've had
just about enough.

Now, I want someone
to rub my feet,

or stroke my hair,

or at least give me a
stinking sympathy pain or two.

Ha, ha, ha. Sympathy
pain. Hear that, Possum?

Boy, the city's taken the
Wanker outta you, cousin.

That rich city man you
married has done spoiled you.

That's what happens
when you marry

one of them professional men.

I don't care how good you are,
no man deserves $3.50 an hour.

It promotes those
high-toned ways.

Ain't nothing but sin
in the city, anyways.

I say if you gonna gyrate
naked on tables for money

you should do it for the family.

Hear, hear. Hear, hear.

Now, look, I just
traveled 200 miles

and a hundred years back in time
to come and be with you people.

And the least you can do
is give me somethin' to eat.

How 'bout some bacon?

Oh, yes, please.

You know where the hog pen is.

Come on, Buck, open the hangar.

Look, Daddy likes it.

Oh.

Now you try.

Ah, it's no use.

I mean, it can't
be the dog food.

Dad's been gobbling
it up for days,

and he's healthier
than he's ever been.

Right, Dad?

Well, I'm finally home.

You went out today, Mom?

I've been gone for a week.

Didn't you get my note?
I left it on the refrigerator.

Now, why would we go in there?

Well, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, I learned two things.

One, trying to hike
your skirt up to get a ride

doesn't do much for you

when you're six months pregnant.

And two, this is where I belong,
with my family that loves me.

You really didn't
notice I was gone?

Of course we noticed you
were gone. Sure, you know...

How could we miss you, Mom?

Was she really gone?

Never mind. Thanks, kids.

It's good to be home.

Now, let's say we celebrate
by doing something as a family.

Hey, that's a good idea.

We've been cooped
up in here for days.

What's say we
get some fresh air?

Who'll go outside and
throw me the Frisbee?

I'll throw it. - Good.

Oh, it's a happy Daddy,
it's a happy Daddy.

Well, it's good to be home again

and see things
are back to normal.

Ohh!

You know, I just wish someone
around here would appreciate me

and know what I'm going through.

Just one lousy, stinkin'
sympathy pain would be enough.

But I guess that's my fate,
to bear my burden alone.

Alone? Look at these nipples.

My paws are bloated.

They keep shoving food in my
face, when all I need is a hug.

God, I just wanna cry.

Boy...

your paws are as big as tubs.

Yours too.

Mom. Mom. Mom. Come quick.

Dad's chasing the
D'Arcy's car down the street.