Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 4 - Cheese, Cues, and Blood - full transcript

All right, contestants,

we polled 100 derelicts
and asked them:

"If the government
actually made you work,

what job would you
least like to have?"

Shoe salesman?

Number one answer!

And I might add, the answer
given by all 100 people.

Ha-ha.

Yeah, certainly "game-show
host" must have got one vote.

Dad, you got a minute?

For you, Bud? Nah.



I'm not Bud.

Now, how many times
do I have to tell you?

When the hat is on,

I'm street rapper Grandmaster B.

When it's off, I'm Bud.

Got it?

Now...

the hat is on.

Who am I?

Mommy's second
little joke on me?

The Grandmaster is not amused.

Now, listen, Dad, I need
20 bucks for a pizza.

But I need you to leave
it on the coffee table,

so I can pretend to
steal it in front of the girl.



Because, after
all, I am an outlaw.

Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper.

That's Grandmaster, you fool.

Gas-passer, Bass-haster.

What's the difference?

All right, look...

It looks like I'm gonna have
to communicate with you

in the language of the street.

Yo. I'm broke.

Now put your little
hat on sideways

and boo-boo away.

The Grandmaster
will not forget this.

One day these kids are
gonna learn the value of a dollar.

Daddy, can I have $1000?

Well, sure, pumpkin.

Uh, get it from Bud. I
just gave him a million.

Yep, that's the
story of my life.

A dollar short and a week late.

Oh, please, Daddy.

It's for something
really important.

I need a gown.

Now, as you know, I am a model.

And for the past few months,

I've been proudly reigning
as Miss Weenie Tot.

But I've decided that
it's time to move up.

So I am going for
the coveted title

of Miss Cheese.

How proud can a father be?

Miss Cheese is no joke, Daddy.

I could lord it over all
those other snotty cheeses.

Miss Swiss. Miss Gouda.

And that haughty Miss
Individually-Wrapped American,

who thinks her
cheese doesn't stink.

Oh, please, Daddy,
it's only $1000.

Well, pumpkin,
why can't you wear

one of your gowns
from Miss Weenie Tot?

Because they all smell like pork

and old men's hands.

Well, I'm sorry, honey,
but as you know,

your mother's pregnant.

We have to put our money
aside for the important things

that pregnant women need.

Where is Mom?

Well, she's at the beauty parlor

having her stomach
wrapped in mud.

Who wants to be the
first to see their reflection

in my shiny belly?

Mom, Dad won't give me

$1000 for a gown.

Al, is this true?

Well, I'm sorry, Peg.

I saw some underwear
I had to have.

It's not true, Mom. He
just gave Bud a million.

Begone, cement booties.

Fine. Then I shall
get it on my own.

And I shall be cheese
queen. This I vow.

Hm.

Honey, I wou...

I agree with you

about not giving the kids money.

I just didn't want
to say anything.

There's no sense in
them hating both of us.

Anyway, I need money.

I have to go to the doctor.

For what?

I'm pregnant, you Zagnut.

And I want you to come with me.

Well, why? I never
came with you before.

Now, don't get
me started on that.

I'm talking about the doctor.

I don't want to be the
only woman there alone.

People stare at me, and I wonder

what they're thinking.

If you're with me,

at least I know
what they're thinking:

"Why didn't that poor
woman come alone?"

Peg, you can sweet-talk
me all you want,

but I'm not sitting
among a bunch of

fetus condos in overalls.

All right, Al, then
I'll just have to think

of someone other than you

to be the father of my baby.

Well, why didn't you think
of that five months ago?

Honey, I was worried

that if the baby showed
any signs of promise,

you'd get suspicious.

What?

Now, come on, help me think.

Who can I get to play the part

of the father of my baby?

Mom...

I'm glad you're here.

Who am I?

My husband.

What?

Stay tuned for our
after-school special:

I Drink Because My
Dad's a Shoe Salesman.

Good one.

Hi, Daddy.

Listen. I'm preparing
for my beauty contest.

So ask me to name
six types of cheese.

Oh, okay. Name
six types of cheese.

Good, pumpkin.

Sweetie...

Honey, you know,
I'm really sorry

I couldn't buy you that
thousand-dollar gown,

but as you know I'm...

Failure, Daddy?
Mm... Mm... Yeah.

I know. But it's okay.

Because I got a night job,

earned $1000,

and I bought the gown myself.

Now wait a second.

My pretty teenage daughter

with the brain of a fruit fly...

earned $1000 in three nights.

Should I be worried?

Nah.

Okay. We're ready
to go to the doctor.

Come on, Bud. Show
Daddy how nice you look.

Hm.

I know that face.

Why, it's Grandfather B.

It's funny, but I always
thought wingtips and a fedora

would make me look cool.

Imagine my surprise.

Hey, where'd you get
the fake greasy mustache?

I shaved your back.

Come on. Let's go, sweetheart.

Dad. Please don't
make me do this.

Peg, I will not let
you do this to the boy.

Mind your own business, Al.

So long, son.

Hi, Al.

Hi, Al. Hm?

I snuck in. Well...
Because if anyone saw me

coming in here
in broad daylight,

I'd just die.

Anyway...

I need some advice.

Well, throw a wig on it

till it grows to a
woman's length.

Well, can't I just grow
one really long hair

and wrap it around my
entire head, like you?

Come on, Al, I need some advice.

Now, Jefferson's
been staying out

really late the last few nights,

and coming home
smelling like cigarettes

and exotic beers.

Well, where is he, Al?

Where does he go?

Well, probably, if he's
coming home to you, uh,

a bar with really ugly women.

Well...

I know he has a wandering eye.

I've seen him watching
the Madonna videos.

And I can tell he just wants

to put on a pointy
bra and vogue.

But I can't understand

why he has to
leave for a good time

just because I'm pregnant.

I mean...

there are a lot of men

who still find me
quite attractive.

Well, they do.

Especially now that I
have the big bazooms.

Yeah, I only pray
one of those monsters

doesn't fall on the baby.

Oh, God. I'm losing my husband.

Well, uh, probably.

Listen, Marcie.

Since you're a
single mother now,

you have a lot of
time on your hands.

Why don't you help me.

Now, listen...
how could a pretty,

teenage, not-so-bright girl

earn $1000 in three nights?

Well, let's see.

Either as an opening
act for MC Hammer,

or perhaps by spanking
elderly gentlemen

in a tight black leather outfit.

Hey, now!

Now, I know my little girl.

If she was doing
something illegal or immoral,

a father would know about it.

Daddy...

I'm going out now, and I'll
be home by dawn, okay?

Mm-hm.

Goodbye, pumpkin.

You see,

a father has a sixth
sense about these things.

Sort of a second
eye, if you will.

Hello.

No. Kelly's out.

Yeah, I'll take a message.

You have the money...

and you can't wait to see

if she's as good as
the guys say she is.

Uh-huh.

And, uh, you'll meet her where?

Uh-huh.

Well, perhaps
I'll see you there.

Uh-hum.

Don't do anything hasty, Al.

I'm calm. I'm calm.

I'm sure there's a rational
explanation behind this.

And I'll get to the bottom
of it calmly and rationally.

Do you believe what that girl

can do with her hands?

You gonna try her next?

Not me. I'm happy just watching.

Nice game, chump.

Well, I guess my daughter

didn't really need braces.

All right, who's
the next victim?

Well... looks like
no takers, Kelly.

Might as well take a break

till your next match gets here.

Hey. Thanks for backing me

for only 80 percent of
the profit, Mr. D'Arcy.

Hey, if I as an adult

can't help out our young people,

then am I not a
part of the problem?

Hey, mister.

You wanna buy a car stereo?

Find me a Blaupunkt,
and we'll talk.

You gotta give something back.

Well, if you need
me, I'll be over there,

recalibrating the angles
for my bank shots.

You know. Cushions are
a little bit dead to the sides.

Actually, I have to
go wee-wee. Okay.

I'll bet there's no
one dumb enough

to get suckered in by her now.

I don't know.

That guy who just walked in

looks awful stupid.

Where's my pumpkin?

Hey, you guys.

Have you seen a cute,
little blond-haired girl?

Yeah.

She just finished off some guy.

If you want a
piece of her action,

go see her manager.

That guy over there.

Oh, hi, Al.

Man, you should see
your daughter hustle the...

Say good night, Superfly.

Hi, Daddy. What's new?

Stand back, pumpkin.

He's just about to pop,

and I don't want teeth
and eyes all over you.

But Daddy, it's not
Mr. D'Arcy's fault.

It was my idea to hustle pool.

Well, honey, why
didn't you tell me

that's what you were doing?

Well, because you
said you didn't like me

hanging out in these places.

Well, sweetheart,
you were only 5 then.

Well, Jefferson, looks
like I owe you an apology.

He-here, let me help you up.

There now. Here. All right.

No harm, no foul. Friends, huh?

Come on, honey, this place
is a little unsavory for you.

What say we go in a bar, and...

we get Dad a beer
and girlie magazine,

and straight home.

Well... I have
another match coming.

Daddy, I can't lose.

Honey, it matters not.

When it comes to my little girl,

there are things more
important than money.

I've got $10,000 that says

I can beat any
girl in the house.

I think we can handle that...

What's that you say, Jefferson?

I should handle
it? You're covered.

I'm "Slick Stick" Jackson.

Who are you?

Who am I? Why, I'm Al, heh...

What's a cool nickname for me?

I'm Al "Daddy" Bundy.

Daddy?

Where's your money, Daddy?

What are you, my wife?

I'll get that money if I have
to dance naked in the street.

Psst, Daddy.

Sailors are the best tippers.

Thank you.

Hey, blondie...

and "Action
Jackson" over there...

Where's Daddy?

Strip-search me.

Let's shoot pool, fat man.

Hey, Al, can I...?

Can I get you a chair,
or a coffin or something?

Daddy, you look so pale.

Perhaps that's because
I've been running

all over town, selling pints
of blood to nine blood banks.

Al, the human body
only holds eight pints.

Well, that's what they say.

But the brain hides some.

So you see, Mr. Koppel,

I'm a living example

of how the brain really
doesn't need blood to work.

Ooh. Ooh, the pretty colors.

Ooh.

So I'll take that 150
and bet it against...

Hey, everything looks
like noodles in here!

Don't worry, Daddy.

As God is my witness,

you will have blood again.

Thank you, Jefferson!

♪ They call me Flipper ♪

♪ Flipper ♪

Seven ball.

Double kiss.

Oh. Did I win again?

Good girl, pumpkin.

Hey, umpire,

he's got a horse in his pocket.

Now, I need a ruling.

Aw. Oh, man.

Well, you seem to be
doing a lot better, Al.

You stopped air-guitaring
"It's a Small World."

Ah, it must be the beer.

The brain doesn't need blood.

Just gotta keep the brain wet.

What's going on?

Well, you were up 5 grand,

and we could have
quit, but you said:

"Damn a unified
Germany. Play on."

So now if Kelly makes this shot,

you win $10,000.

Well, seem like I do

what I was knowing
then, hey, white boy?

Now I gotta give my pumpkin

a little pep talk.

Al... Mm... Mm.

Pumpkin?

Owza bowza shebo.

What, Daddy?

Well, I was saying, I'm
proud of you, pumpkin.

You're succeeding.

I tried to succeed, but...

failure was in my blood.

Guess I don't have to worry
about that anymore, huh?

What I'm trying to say is

that the fate of

not only King Charles,

but the entire Restoration,
lies on this shot.

Mm-hm.

This tape will self-destruct
in five seconds.

As I was saying, pumpkin...

it's very important
that you make this shot.

It's very, very important.

Uh... I made the shot, Daddy.

Yes!

We're rich. We got $10,000.

Where's the money?

Well. A goat ate it, Dad.

A pink one?

Head like George Washington?

Yep, that's the one.

I know that goat.

I didn't trust him
when he took my beer.

I know where he lives.
Come on, pumpkin.

Come on. I'll hold him
down, you take his wallet.