Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 5 - Lookin' for a Desk in All the Wrong Places - full transcript

Hear ye, hear ye.

I am now officially opening
the weekly Bundy baby meeting,

which we all look
forward to so much.

Ha-ha.

Dinnertime!

Just kidding.

I love you, Peg.

Just kidding.

That was your daddy.

I know he doesn't
sound like much,

but, ooh, he brings
in the big bucks.



Now we shall begin with
the traditional salutation.

Hail, baby.

The baby is not fooled.

Hail, baby!

Good. Very good. Ha-ha-ha!

Now, the secretary
can read the minutes

from our last baby meeting.

Ahem. You must forgive Kel, Mom.

But she might just
come to life if you say:

I just got paid,
and I wanna get...

That's enough.

Now, Bud, I am promoting you

to temporary secretary.

You may read your
sister's minutes.



I'm truly honored.

Hail, baby.

"I can no longer write down

"the insane bellowing of
what used to be my mother.

"This baby is a curse to us all.

"Wait, I am supposed to
rise and give a 'Hail, baby.'

"There, I've done it.

"I feel cheaper
than I've ever felt,

and that's saying something."

Hail, baby.

I will now read the minutes.

Uh-oh.

Hail, baby?

You will say 10 "Hail, babys"
in the privacy of your own room.

And now we will hear
from the treasurer.

According to my research,

it takes $780,000

to raise a baby from
birth through college.

Thankfully, since I
sold a shoe last week,

I am proud to announce

that we're now
just short $780,000.

Thank you very much.

Hail, baby.

You'll never guess
where we went.

To a store called
The Sharper Infant.

Everything for the
upwardly mobile baby.

Their motto is: "Don't
believe the father,

you really can afford it." Oh.

That's right.

Nothing's too good for
your children. Ha-ha.

Well, I didn't mean you two.

Boy, I will be so
happy when this kid

is older than we are.

Then maybe we'll
get some attention.

Al, we're gonna talk.

So could you go
sit next to Jefferson

or the dog or something?

Hey, this is my house.
I sit where I want to.

Look at the catalog.

Nursing bras. And they're sexy.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

I'm wanna sit over there now.

Hey, Buck, any room
for me over there, boy?

Please don't. I just ate.

Hey, you should
have seen this place.

Nothing but "pregnoids."

I mean, it's been six months

since I've seen a
woman with a waist.

Mm, yeah.

Women are never sexier
than when they're pregnant.

You know what I'd do if
I was president? What?

I'd get me a big, empty
state no one's using.

You know, a state
like Idaho. Huh.

Then I'd get every pregnant
woman in the country,

I'd stick them into
a doughnut truck...

and I'd convoy them to Boise.

And since nobody cares
anything about Idaho,

I'd change the
name to "Pregnaho."

He must be talking
about his Idaho plan again.

Oh, Marcie, there's
so many things I want.

I mean, look at this
baby bedroom set.

I've just gotta have this.

Oh, Peggy, that's $10,000.

Do you think Al can afford it?

Well, what's it to me?

Let's go get one.

Well, actually, I'm not buying
new furniture for the baby.

My daughter will inherit
all the precious heirlooms

that were passed on to me.

Including a beautiful baby desk

in hot pink with a ruffle.

Well, what if your baby's a boy?

Then let his father
get him something.

Oh, my desk.

I used to have this
little tea service.

And at my desk,
I would hold teas

for all my imaginary friends.

There was Jennifer, the
most popular girl in the school.

Well, she would never
really be my friend.

But at my desk

she'd drink four or
five cups of my tea.

She'd have to.

I'd make her.

Then there was Robert,

the cutest guy in the school.

Normally, he'd just
throw his milk in my face,

but not at my desk.

Oh, I could see him now,

kissing my 4-year-old feet.

Lick 'em, baby. Lick
'em. Lick 'em like a dog.

Oh. The times I would
have at my little desk

with my little chair
and my little potty,

where I'd shove imaginary
Jennifer's face every day.

Yeah, new stuff is fine, but

how could you put a price tag

on memories like those?

Well, I see since your pregnancy

you've stopped taking

your little pills, haven't you?

So now we got Pregnaho.

Yeah. See.

And we got "PMSachusetts."

But where we live...

is called "Breast Virginia."

That's mean, Al.

She's got you shaking like

a Frenchman in a thunderstorm.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, well, last
month I stopped paying

for her storage unit,

took the money
and went to the track.

Now, does that sound like a man

who's afraid of his wife?

Jefferson, can I have the keys

to the storage unit?

Watch me con my
way out of this one.

What storage unit?

The storage unit where I keep

my precious,
irreplaceable baby furniture.

Good night, sweet prince.

Can I have the keys?
I wanna show Peggy.

I love you so very deeply.

What have you done
to my baby furniture,

which means more
to me than five of you?

And you didn't want
them to come over.

I was wrong.

You let them auction
off my baby furniture?

My memories? My life?

And there's the
wind-up. And the pitch.

That's out of the park.

Now...

I am going to go and
get my furniture back.

I want you to
remain on the floor

and think about
what you've done.

Now, Peggy and I are gonna
go to the storage company

and get a list of the people
who bought my heirlooms.

Well, why me?

Because when I get back,

I wanna strip him of every
ounce of human dignity.

And only you can teach me how.

Yeah, she's the best.
She debased me.

Oh. You're making me blush.

You know, it's true.

When we were
married, he was so cute.

He demanded three meals a day,

clean clothes and pillows.

It took me three long days.

But, baby, look
at him now. Ha-ha.

You can get up now, Jefferson.

She told me not to.

Hear ye, hear ye.

I call the third weekly Bundy
anti-baby meeting to order.

If we may begin...

we should don our
ceremonial hats.

Set sail, baby.

Now we may begin.

Secretary may read the minutes

from our last meeting.

"After feeding Mom
into a doughnut coma...

"and setting pudding
traps, should she awaken...

"we officially booed the
baby and began the meeting.

"Dad... my daddy

"once again wept with shame

at his involvement
in the pregnancy."

I tell you, I didn't
know what hit me!

"And then Daddy said,

"'I tell you, I didn't
know what hit me"

"Bud, my brother,
recited from the Bible,

"quoting the story of Moses.

"He suggested we
place the baby in a basket

"with a couple of
quarters and a blanket,

"and float it down
the Ohio River,

verily, to Cleveland."

Set sail, baby.

"Then we had a two-to-one
vote to replace our mom

"with a huge-hootered
Oriental woman...

"who had no vocal
cords, no uterus,

"but can fry a
steak like a Texan.

"Then Mommy woke
up and wanted to know

"what we were laughing at.

"We said, 'Bud.'

"He trolled up the
stairs in a little huff,

and the three of us
laughed at him till dawn."

Oops. That was the beginning
of our anti-Bud meeting.

Hey. Hey.

Now, now, Bud. Now, hold on.

She's only kidding
you. Only kidding.

Sit down. Now,
what's wrong with you?

Don't you know how he
feels? Right in front of him?

All right now.

Let's get on with
the new business.

Has anyone come up with
a new name for the baby?

Shark Bait.

Hemlock.

Piscopo.

That... That's a low blow.
Dad, that's really mean.

I'd like some water.

Why don't you get it yourself?

Marcie told me not to move.

Now, kids, I want you to
take a good look over there,

and you tell me
what that teaches you.

Nothing. No.

It is that this is the
thing that can happen

if you let pregnasaurs
rule the earth.

Now, we've got one
in our very home.

Are we going to let our
own great red pregzilla

do this to us?

Huh?

No.

Are they going to find us

with our legs up in the air?

Well, I can't speak for Kelly,

but they won't
find me like that.

Yeah, right.

Like I've never seen
you like that before

whenever Pebbles Flintstone
wears a leopard minidress.

Hey, now! Now,
now, hold it, now!

Now, kids, we're not out here

to attack each other.

We're here to attack the baby.

All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, it's my blanket. Oh-ho.

Mr. Edwin Johansson?

Indeed.

Sir, I understand
that you recently

attended an auction,

where you purchased
my old baby blanket,

which was knitted
by my Gamma Judy.

And which I used
to comfort myself

and to suffocate my
imaginary friend, Jennifer.

I can see that it means
a great deal to you

by the way that it
houses your collection

of broken glass and mucus.

But I must have it
back at any price.

A hundred grand.

How about a chop
to the Adam's apple?

Easy, Marcie.

Let me handle this.

Now look, Al.

Oh-ho-ho.

I mean, Edwin.

Gee, I wonder how I could have

made a mistake like that. Ha-ha!

I have here a gift certificate

for a free pair of
women's shoes.

I've dared to dream it,
and now it comes true.

Peggy, no, I feel guilty.

I can't have you spend
your coupons on me.

Oh, Marcie, don't
worry about it.

I've got thousands of these.

I steal 'em out of
the cash register

when Al's not looking.

So, what do you say, Edwin?

Make it $500 worth of shoes,

and we've got a deal.

Five hundred dollars?

Oh, Marcie, I give away
more than that at Halloween.

Kids just love 'em.

Give me this blanket.

Uh...

Tell me, sir...

how has society
turned its back on you?

The plant close down?

The farm went under? What?

Can I help you get a job?

I already have a job.

Schoolteacher.

All right. Demand 340.

And what else do we want?

Love and affection.

No. We said it had to be
something we all wanted.

I know. How about clean clothes?

Yes. Yes!

Now, where does it say, just
because a woman is pregnant,

she can't take 18
years' worth of socks,

dump 'em in a machine
and push a button?

We're being had, I tell you.

Yeah, and who says
that she can't get

the wasp nest off the roof?

Right! If there
were pies up there,

you'd have to get a gun and
shoot her to get her down.

Hey. I want clean, dry sheets.

Well, you know, because
it gets humid in my room.

Yes, dancing with a rubber woman

can make any room a jungle.

Ah, look at him. He's
probably just thinking up ways

to make it up to Marcie.

Yeah. It is kind of sweet

when you think about it.

Hm.

♪ Lemon tree Very pretty ♪

♪ And the lemon
flower Is sweet ♪

♪ But the fruit Of
the poor lemon ♪

♪ Is impossible ♪

♪ To eat ♪

Play it again, Magic Balladeer.

I'm Topsy. I'm Mopsy.

We're twins.

And we're your biggest fans.

What a crummy fantasy.

Uh, yeah, I know. But
my wife's mad at me.

It's hard to concentrate. Oh.

Hey, here's a little
something I know

you girls have been
wanting to ask me.

Oh.

♪ Do you wanna dance ♪

♪ Under the moonlight? ♪

I know. I know.

I know.

I know.

He must be in great pain.

Okay, so we're agreed.

We show this list
to your mother,

and we hold firm to our demands.

Rights of the born.

Can I get a "Whoa, born"?

Whoa, born!

Oh, I... I think you know
what you have to do

for backstage passes.

Woo.

I-I can't stand to see him

torturing himself like this.

Let's throw him
out in the street.

Yeah. Mm.

Mrs. Garcia? Yes.

You'll be glad to know
that this is the last stop

on an arduous journey to recover

the lost furniture
of my childhood.

What?

My desk. My little desk.

Do you mind?

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Uh, while my friend is paddling

down the river of insanity,

perhaps we could talk, heh.

Ooh, chicken.

May I?

Oh, please do.

We keep it out for intruders.

Anyway... it's about this desk.

You see, my friend
would really like to buy it.

It means a lot to her.

And over here is where
imaginary Jennifer would sit.

I bet she'd like some nice

scalding tea in her face.

What do you think, Jorge?

Mom.

Uh, anyway, we don't
have any money. Mm-hm.

But we have $1000
worth of shoe coupons.

You see, in this
country my husband

is a very powerful man.

He's a shoe salesman.

Really? Mm.

In my country, shoe
salesmen are laughed at

by beggars and the feeble.

Our countries are
very much alike.

Do we have a deal?

Well, I am very
touched by your offer

and by your friend's
insanity, but...

to my family,

this desk is a
symbol of America.

It is the very first thing

that we bought in this country.

And we wanted to pass it down

to generation and generation

in our family as a symbol
of... Of hope and freedom.

For, although we
are not Americans,

our children can be.

All that highfalutin talk

about hope and freedom

sure didn't last
through the threat

of calling Immigration.

You're a mighty
sick woman, Marcie.

Well, maybe so, maybe so.

But I'm a sick
woman with a desk.

Where's Jefferson?!

He's out in the backyard
singing "Tiny Bubbles" to Buck.

But, uh...

that's not important.

Me and the kids have
something to say to you...

and all pregnoids like you.

Tell 'em, kids.

What?

We love you, Mommy.
We love you, Mommy.

Mom, you should have heard

the things Dad was saying

about you and the baby.

Yeah. He was gonna

make you do the laundry.

Yeah. He made
us wear these hats.

That's untrue. That's untrue!

Well... I handled my husband.

What are you gonna do?

Yeah.

Al...

what are you
doing in my fantasy?

I don't know.

Last thing I remember,

a frying pan bounced
off my head and...

But don't mind me.

I'm on my way to my own fantasy.

Girls, there's a...

There's a Porsche in my fantasy.

Hey. Hey.