Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 20 - High I.Q. - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN [OVER TV]: Ladies, does
your husband come home and ask you

to cook or clean or
care for the children?

We at the law offices of
Shirley, Janet and Patsy

can help you.

We say,

sue the bastard for stress.

WOMAN 2 [OVER TV]: Shirley,
Janet and Patsy got me 2.5 million.

Hi, Peg.

Oh, hi, Al.

Want some dinner?



Not tonight, Peg. I've
learned to live on plaque.

Besides, I have
everything I need right here.

Oh, Al, you got
"Shower in a Box."

[CHUCKLES]

No, Peg, I couldn't afford it

because years ago, I
bought "Wife on the Couch."

Now, feast your eyes on this:

The Handyman's Workbench 5000.

Oh, Al, hold me.

I want this moment
to last forever.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't worry, Peg,
every moment with you

seems like it'll last forever.

Oh, baby.



This is gonna bring
me such pleasure.

Hmm.

"Some assembly required."

Shall I take it downstairs

and put it on the "no
assembly achieved" pile?

Al, why didn't you have
'em assemble it for you?

There, right there is what's
wrong with this country.

We've become too
dependent on other people.

Whatever happened to
the spirit of do-it-yourself?

It's alive and well
in our bedroom.

Well, I too need something
to fiddle with. So...

So if you'll excuse me, I
shall organize my tools.

Then you'll see some fixin'.

Just like you fixed the step?

[AL SCREAMS, THUDDING NOISE]

Of course, I could've
changed the light bulb.

Mom, I heard a scream.

Did Dad fall down
the stairs again?

Uh-huh.

Cool. Mm.

[SIGHS]

Oh, hey, Kel.

What are you doin'
outside fully clothed?

I'm waiting for the mail.

I'm expecting an
invitation to join Alpha.

You know, that club
for smart people.

Kel, you need a real
high IQ to join Alpha.

I've been turned down for that.

Yeah, that and everything
else in the world.

Seriously, Kel, now,
what are you doin' outside?

Did you get this far and
you can't find the house?

Laugh on, goo-boy.

But remember:

He who laughs last laughs west.

No, I happened to meet
a guy who's a member.

He had me fill out some
forms and said if I qualified...

Hi, Mr. Mailman.

He said if I qualified,

that I'd be getting
an invitation

to the new-members
party today in the mail.

That's "party."

Let me explain
the concept to you.

You know when you
line up your toy soldiers

and put cupcakes
in front of 'em.

It's kinda like that,
but with real people.

I just wish the damn
mail would come.

Here it is, Kel.

Oh, God, the mailman
must be invisible.

Alpha, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Let's see... Dad's bills.

Jury duty for Mom.

Playboy for you. Mm-hmm.

Playboy for Dad. Mm-hmm.

Playgirl for Mom. Mm-hmm.

Bitches in Heat for Buck.

Mm-hmm.

Here it is. My
invitation to Alpha.

Read it to me, Bud.

I don't have to read it, Kel.

It says, "Congratulations,
Miss Bundy.

"Your IQ score has placed
you square in the middle

between an ashtray
and a pickle jar."

Ahh.

"Congratulations, Miss Bundy.

You have been invited to
our new-members mixer"?

It can't be.

I'm in. I'm in.

♪ I'm a genius And you're not ♪

♪ Hmm, hmm Hm-hmm, hmm ♪

[GIGGLES]

Let me read this again.

Ten thousand special-ed
teachers can't be wrong.

I'll prove it. Quick: How
many are in a gross?

You and four friends.

[SIGHS]

I shall now leave you

to wallow in the murky
world of your own Bud-dom.

I shall now let the
family behold my genius.

[CLEARS THROAT]

It turns, therefore, I am.

[SAW CUTTING]

[ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING]

You know, I tease Al about it,

but there is nothing
more exciting

than seeing real men

use their hands
and minds as one.

I know.

Look at the sweat
glistening off their bodies.

Muscles tensed, brows furrowed.

I think they're almost finished.

AL: Yes!

I think they did it.

And in only 15 minutes.

Peg, we've opened the box.

Gee, that's great, honey.

Today the box,

tomorrow the cap
on the toothpaste.

[AL CHUCKLES]

Ah, you just can't stand

to see a man get ahead, can you?

Hey. Hey, if the box
was that easy to open,

imagine how easy
the rest is gonna be.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hmm. Uh, excuse
me, Fred and Barney.

Before you start
running around the room,

slapping each other's heinies,

how long is this gonna take you?

Mm, uh, directions
say 20 minutes.

I say we can do it under 15.

Just watch our dust.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Where were we?

Uh, Step 1.

Well, read it to me.

"Congratulations
on your purchase

"of the easy-to-put-together
Handyman's Workbench 5000.

Open box."

Well, we did that.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Look, Peggy.
Husbands in the mist.

[SCOFFS]

They're all the same.
My father was like that.

He would sit on the porch

and whittle the same
piece of wood for hours

before he realized
it was his finger.

The only day my father
would build was Christmas Eve.

He'd put together all my toys.

Yup. Till I was old
enough to know it was him,

I always thought it was
Santa downstairs yelling:

"Ouch! Damn kid and
her freakin' wagon!"

And then I'd go downstairs
on Christmas Day

and find all my shiny,
new, bloody toys.

Oh, well, then this should
bring back some memories.

Al's getting ready
to use the staple gun.

[STAPLE GUN CLICKS]

[SCREAMING]

Oh, you little baby.

[SOBBING] Oh, get me loose.

No. No, now, it'll slow us up.

Have you seen any of
those L-shaped things?

[MOANS]

No. No, I've been
finding these pieces

shaped like sevens.

What idiot packed this box?

Oh, well, maybe I can
reshape 'em with my blowtorch.

BOTH [IN UNISON]: Blowtorch?

Please.

Please, please.

Kel, please take me with you.

No, you are too
stupid to get in.

But I'll bring you back some
leftovers in a dummy bag.

Now, go away afore
I'm tardy for the party.

Watch me as I
effortlessly turn the knob.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hmm. Very interesting.

Push in, pull out.

How should I remember that?

Hmm. Well...

"Push," unlike
"pull," starts with a P.

Ah.

Make new thoughts,
but keep the old.

One is silver and
the other is old.

I've gotta get to
the bottom of this.

Hmm.

Oh, this blowtorch
doesn't look clogged to me.

Well, you hold the
lighter and let me look.

All right.

Wow. You can almost hear
the Looney Tunes theme,

can't you?

[BLOWTORCH HISSING]

[SCREAMING]

My eyebrows!

Al. My eyebrows!

Come on, Al!

Somebody put out my eyebrows!

[SOBBING]

Relax, Al, I'm depriving
the fire of oxygen.

I... That's... That's better.

Well, no... No need to worry.

Fire's out.

One, two, three...

Uh, this is to identify
all our new members.

Thank you, kind sir of
merely average intelligence.

[ELEVATOR CHIMES]

Uh... Do you have
an invitation, sir?

[SIGHS]

This is a bus pass, sir.

Oh, I must have left my
invitation back at the hospital,

where I work as a doctor
at this shockingly young age.

Oh, name?

Uh, Howser.

Doogie Howser.

Go away, sir.

Alrighty.

But don't come crying to me,

saying, "Help me, Dr. Howser,"

when your high-paying,
high-stress job

gives you an ulcer.

[SCOFFS]

[ELEVATOR CHIMES]

Hi, my name's Harvey.

These parties are such a gas.

Hi there, Harv.

Say, nice pencil pouch.

Well, I...

[ELEVATOR CHIMES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, of course the Soviet
Union was bound to fall.

I mean, it's all the way
on the edge of the map.

Kelly, you really
should share your theory

with Ivan over there.

And while you're there,

tell him your theory about
how snowmen are born.

[WHISPERS] Wow. Ahem.

Was I wrong about her?

Huh. She is all
you said and more.

She's sure to win you
the "stupidest date" award.

Well, when I found her,

she was just staring at a door.

But yours is no slouch.

God, I love these idiot parties.

Well, of course
I'm very intelligent,

but I feel I make the statement
that brains and decent knockers

can go hand in hand to march
us proudly into the 19th century.

Kel.

Bud.

I think you made a wrong turn.

The Pimples Without Partners
meeting is down the hall.

I don't even know if
I should tell you this,

what with me hating you and all,

but, uh, do you know
what a "pig party" is?

Of course, I do. I'm a genius.

It's where a bunch of
cute people find ugly dates,

pretend to like 'em,
take 'em to a party,

and laugh at them till they cry.

So you've done it before?

That hurts.

Have I ever invited
you to a party?

Now, that should prove
that I've never been to one.

Well, you've been to
one now. [SCOFFS]

This is Alpha's version
of a pig party, Kel.

Instead of ugly, they invite...

How should I put
this delicately?

Morons, cretins, fools,
mind-blowing imbeciles.

[SIGHS]

Everyone with a patch
is someone's dumb date.

Come on, I'll show you.

Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.

I'm Delbert. I'm a Los
Angeles public school teacher.

That doesn't prove anything.

He could just be a
temp or something.

Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.

Hi, I'm Ralph. I'm a
network executive.

Uh-oh.

But I'm still not sold.

Well, does this sell you?

Oh, my God, it's true.

Kel. Kel, wait.

Leave me alone. You
just wanna rub it in.

I got the rest of
my life to do that.

I just wanted to tell
you not to feel bad.

Not to feel bad? How can I not?

Do you know what
it's like to have people

laughing at you at a party?

To have them talk
behind your back?

To exist only to be made fun of?

Well, naturally,
you do, but I don't.

It hurts. Let's go.

Kel, come on.

You can't run and hide.

That's not the Bundy way.

You gotta get back at
these people the Bundy way.

But I like changing
my underwear.

No. The... The
other Bundy way, Kel.

Destroy their superior smiles
with sheer, pointless violence.

You'd do that for me,

even after the way I
treated you tonight?

Hey, they did turn me down.

Well, then you'd have to go
beat up every girl in Chicago.

I'm just kidding
ya, ya little wallaby.

Let's go kick a
little genius butt.

Hey, five-eyes.

[GRUNTS]

Attention, all guests.

We are the
intellectually challenged.

Does that mean we let
nerds make fun of us?

That would make
us lower than them.

So I say, let's return to the
pecking order of high school.

So come on, people,

if you're stupid
and you know it,

punch a nerd.

That's right. Make 'em
eat their pencil pouches.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[GIRL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN: Over here.

Kel. Kel, come on. I
think we're finished here.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

All right, let me know when
I get all the way through.

Okey-dokey.

[ELECTRIC DRILL DRILLING]

[JEFFERSON SCREAMS]

AL: Sorry, pal.

Oh, can I have that one?

Well, you'll have to trade me.

Well, I have a nice action shot

of the men nailing
themselves together

and then running around
the room idiotically.

Well, how about
this one of Al's face

when the circular
saw fell in his lap?

Give me one of
them L-shaped things.

Well, there's... There's
only one more left.

You'll have to make some
more out of these extra sevens.

I can't find the hole.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, hell, I'll just
sand the whole thing.

It's like my Dad used to say:

"There is no mix-up
a sander can't fix up."

[LAUGHS]

God, that's beautiful.

[LAUGHS]

Plug us in, buddy.

Uh... Al, don't you
have too many things

plugged in already?

Peg, the only experience
you have are with things

that use batteries.

Men know plugs.

Plug us in, pal.

Photo op.

Wow.

He hasn't moved
like that in years.

Do you think Jefferson
is stupid enough

to try and unplug him now?

I'll save you, buddy.

I guess he is. Heh.

To men.

To men. [LAUGHS]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Hi, Daddy. I couldn't sleep.

Well, since you're up,
share Daddy's triumph.

The Handyman Workbench 5000.

[CHUCKLES]

It's very nice, Daddy.

Oh, don't touch it.

It's just for lookin' at.

So, what's up?

Daddy, do you think I'm stupid?

Well...

Pumpkin, "stupid"
is a relative term.

Well, you're a relative.
That's why I'm asking you.

Uh-huh.

Well, pumpkin, see,

some people like
to call someone...

Let's say you.

Stupid,

because you just haven't found

what you're really good at yet.

And everybody's
good at something.

Take me, I'm good with my hands.

And your mother.
Who's ever been better

at doin' nothing
than your mother?

And we'll forget
about your brother

'cause he's actually smart,
we'll move on to Buck.

Remember when
he was a little puppy,

he used to run all around
with all that energy?

Well, obviously
he didn't like it.

But years later, he found
out what he's good at.

Look at him layin' up there.

Attaboy, Buck.

So, what I'm sayin', sweetheart,

is if you give
yourself enough time,

you'll find out what
you're good at too.

But I'm tired of waiting.

I'm afraid I'm
never gonna find it.

Maybe what I'm
good at is being stupid.

I guess it'll have to be enough.

I guess I'd feel better

if there was just one
person on this earth

that I was smarter than.

[SIGHS]

Good night, Daddy.

Jefferson?

Jefferson, come
see, I finished it.

I finished it.

[♪♪♪]