Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 19 - Psychic Avengers - full transcript

Al is a broken man after the Bundys can no longer afford to buy a weekly TV Guide. When Jefferson arrives at their house with a fistful of cash, Al discovers that he has been running a psychic phone scam called "Madame Zelda." To keep him quiet about his scam, Jefferson decides to let Al in on the deal. But Al soon takes over the whole operation and the rest of the family joins in. When Al decides to unite the five psychic bosses of Chicago, he insults the feared Madame Inga, who decides to throw a curse on the Bundys.

[♪♪♪]

PEG: Ooh.

How long are we
gonna be gone, Mom?

Oh, until this thing
blows over, honey.

Your father's wrath is
gonna be just terrible.

Come on, Buck,
what's keeping you?

BUCK: I misplaced my
dead bird, if you don't mind.

Look, we can get
another dog on the road.

I just do not wanna be here

when Daddy finds
out the awful truth:

that we can no longer
afford a TV Guide.



[PEG GROANS]

He just might run amuck again.

I think we all remember

the great toilet
paper scare of '86.

Where was I?

Well, let's see, '86.

All your friends were
discovering girls,

so I believe that you
were up in your room,

trying to decide which
shirt goes with nothing to do.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

You are lucky you weren't here.

The market ran
out of Aurora white,

and I had to buy
the house brand.

I even put it in the old
Aurora wrapping, but...



[TEARFULLY] Oh,
he knew at first touch.

God, it was terrible.

Him running around

with his pants down
around his ankles,

screaming to the heavens.

That was the last
bridge party I ever had.

Yeah, they still talk about
his great doodie strike

wherever fine
toilet paper is sold.

[CAR WHIRRING OUTSIDE]

Uh-oh. [METAL SQUEAKING]

I hear the sound of a muffler
scraping ground. Dad's home.

What do we do? What do we do?

Uh...

Just act calm.

[CHUCKLES]

I know. We'll put
out an old TV Guide.

Maybe it'll buy us some time.

Maybe we're
worried about nothing.

I mean, maybe he'll come
home in a good mood.

Why doesn't the world die?

So far so good.

There was a fire
in the mall today.

Twenty stores went up,

but guess where they
were able to stop the fire.

Yes, the shoe store.

So I don't get any days off,

but I should be raking it in,

'cause it's well
known women just love

to tromp through
burned-out malls

just to buy shoes
that used to be cats

from a guy that
used to be a man.

All I wanna do is
curl up on the couch

with a nice TV Guide.

[SIGHS]

Oh, man, they put
Starsky and Hutch

back on the air.

Finally, my letters
mean something.

[CLICKS]

Ew. The little
dark-haired one got fat.

Oh, man, that's Roseanne.

[CLICKS]

What madness is this?

Uh, honey, we have
a confession to make.

They raised the cost of heating,

and we can't afford
to buy a new TV Guide.

[SCREAMS]

See, he can deal with it.

But, honey, it'll be okay.

We could steal a newspaper
and use their TV section.

Are you insane?
It's not the same.

Does a newspaper fit
snugly in your hands?

Does it jeer? Does it cheer?

Are there articles
about William Conrad

and what he'll be doing
on Circus of the Stars?

I think not.

Now, look, for years

the only reason we had
heat was for the kids.

Now they're both over 18.

I say, let 'em freeze.
I want my TV Guide.

Al, be reasonable.

It's 79 cents a week.

I'm sorry, honey.

Here I thought it was a quarter.

I'm sorry.

Are you gonna throw
a fit now, sweetie?

Yes, I am.

Well, kick some booty, honey.

How long have we got?

PEG: I'd say five,

four... Aah.

Come on, kids.

[KELLY & PEG] Three, two.

One.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, mighty one who created
the heavens and the earth...

and you who created
my wife and kids,

why doth thou
torment me with a TV

but not a TV Guide
to enjoy it with?

Argh!

I have nothing.

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing, nothing,
nothing, nothing.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Woodpecker...

but have you seen a pathetic
middle-aged shoe salesman

with no reason to live?

Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?

Why? You paying off the house?

[GIGGLES LOUDLY]

This is for a necessity.
Now, what do you say?

Do you have 79 cents?

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Nope. Nope. Nothing but
large-denomination bills.

I... I did have some
quarters a few hours back,

but I used them
to feed the ducks.

[CHUCKLES]

If they eat enough
of 'em, they sink.

Sometimes I name 'em first.

It's good you have a hobby.

Yeah, well, I have no job.

You gotta fill the hours
of the day, you know.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's why I
do the shoe thing.

Listen, Jefferson, let
me ask you something:

How come you always have money?

And I just have a
1972 TV Guide...

which, if CBS hadn't
brought back All in the Family,

wouldn't be any use
at all. [CHUCKLES]

Well, there's
no trick to it, Al.

Did you ever see the ad,

"Madam Zelda can make you rich

with your personal
lucky numbers"?

You mean, Madam Zelda
sends you lucky numbers?

No.

I'm Madam Zelda.

I sell the numbers.

You? Yeah.

Well, how can you take money
from poor, unsuspecting people?

I'm a thief. Love
me for what I am.

But this is just
between us, right?

I'm a squealer.

Love me for what I am.

[GIGGLING]

[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

Or cut me in. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

"Mr. Brown, your lucky
day is Wednesday."

[LAUGHING]

"Signed, Madam Zelda."

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Well... here's this
morning's take.

How you doing, Al? [CHUCKLES]

How am I doing? Yeah.

I got two TV Guides, baby.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Yeah. Got one on the table
and one in the bathroom.

I'm rich. [GIGGLES]

Oh, God, I've arrived.

You know, I just
love the feeling

of suddenly being able
to provide for my family.

So you told 'em? Hell, no.

It's just good knowing
I can provide for them.

Mm-hm. What if they find out?

How are they gonna
find out? They're morons.

[GIGGLES] Huh?

Oh, they might
suspect something,

but how are they gonna catch me?

Buck, boy.

Uh, Al.

[CHUCKLING] You know,
I may as well admit it...

I'm the only smart
one in the family.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I mean, we got a woman so lame,

that she actually thinks
when I groan during sex,

it has anything to do with her.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

And Bud, he wouldn't
know the house was on fire

if it wasn't on Nick at Nite.

[CHUCKLES]

[MOUTHING WORDS]

And the only reason
that Kelly got a head

is to keep rain out of her neck.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey.

Oh.

But they are my
family, and I, uh...

really should tell them,
because I do love them.

If only they were home.

All right, Al, can it.

We just have three
simple words for you.

We want in.

What's the third word, Mom?

Take Buck for a walk, honey.

[COOING] Come on, boy,
we're going for a walkie-walkie.

Now, look here, Al.

When I married you, it
was for richer or poorer.

Now, I thought we would try one,
then the other, and then choose.

Well, I believe we've gone

just about as far
as we can with poor.

So if you think that you are
moving on to rich without me...

Uh... With... Without us.

Without me.

Then you are
cheaper and stupider

than the shoes you sell.

Let me confab with my partner.

[BOTH MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

AL [HOARSELY]: No, no, no.

[WHISPERING] Then
they might go to the cops,

and we could
both get in trouble.

Well, you owe me one,
honey. I talked Jefferson into it.

You're in.

Actually, it's a
pretty good idea,

'cause I'm thinking
of expansion.

W...? What kind of expansion?

Well, the kind of
expansion I'm thinking about

will allow me to dress my
woman in ermines and pearls,

like she deserves.

And I won't forget
you either, Peg.

[PHONES RINGING, PEOPLE
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN: Hello. WOMAN: Hello.

Uh, Madam Zelda Incorporated.

How may the stars help you?

Hello. Lucky days, $2.

Lucky numbers, $5.

Or you can get
lucky with me for 50.

Well, let me consult
my crystal ball.

Uh, it seems that your
lucky day is Thursday.

Your husband died on Thursday?

Gee, I'm better than I thought.

[CHUCKLES]

Eenie, meenie, chili, beany

The spirits are about to speak.

Your lucky number is C.

This is better than
women, D'Arcy.

I mean, we are
bigger than U.S. Steel.

We are not.

Well, the way the economy's
going, we just might be.

I... I don't like it. We
should have kept it simple.

You know, you
get in, you get out.

Like sex.

Anyway.

You're just mad 'cause my father
took over the whole operation.

I know we're making more in a
week than we made in a month.

But I'm worried about the
attention we're attracting.

And most of all, I'm
worried about your father.

He's changed.

I can't put my finger on it,

but he's different somehow.

Let it be noted the stars say
I'm handsomer than yesterday.

Let's get those phones going.

I want to see lines lit. I
want to see people fleeced.

Come on, my little
fortune cookies,

Daddy needs a new
pair of everything.

How we doing?

Well, everything's fine,
except for the West Side.

That's okay, because the
West Side is Madam Inga's turf.

[CHUCKLES] And you don't
wanna mess with Madam Inga.

Damn Madam Inga and
her army of psychic Swedes.

I want the West Side,
I'll have the West Side.

I'll have all sides.

Inside, outside,
East Side, West Side.

Matter of fact, I'll
have a hamburger

with a side of onion rings,

paid for by the
pensions of old ladies.

Can I get a "whoa, stealing
old ladies' pensions"?

BUNDYS: Whoa, stealing
old ladies' pensions.

I can't believe your
father has called together

the heads of Chicago's
five psychic families.

I think the greed has
finally sent him into insanity.

You don't talk about
family business

in front of strangers.

My father knows what he's doing.

Silence. Heh.

[BLUES BROTHERS' "I CAN'T TURN YOU
LOOSE" PLAYING OVER TAPE PLAYER]

Put your hands together
for the sultan of psychics,

the king of clairvoyance,
the Pharaoh of fraud.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

let's give him a
big welcome, folks.

He's my daddy, Al
"Madam Zelda" Bundy.

You are my people.

I'd like to introduce now...

the king of the Ouija
boards on the South Side:

Big Bob Barruth.

My friends call me Huggie.

AL: And the man
who controls the palms

on our North Shore,
Zelmo the Toad.

I can kill with my tongue.

The man who controls
the crystals in the Loop:

"Mad Thursday" Markowitz.

Don't hate me
'cause I'm beautiful.

And king of the tarots,

who came all the way
from southern Wisconsin:

Hakbar the Beast.

I'll paint any car for $19.95.

And last, but not least...

although by far the
ugliest and hairiest,

the virtuoso of
the crystal ball:

Madam Inga.

The spirits tell me you
have not bathed today.

Or yesterday.

Please, you could have
heard that anywhere.

Friends and charlatans...

our city is divided like a pizza
with five different toppings.

The only thing holding it
together in a cohesive unit

is the cheese.

Daddy, the crust too.

Leave Daddy alone, sweetheart.

He's kingpinning.

So, what I'm
trying to tell you is,

we shouldn't be fighting
each other like jackals,

but instead come together
under a benevolent cheese.

I am that cheese.

Oh, Al, the cutest
thing just happened.

And here comes the
anchovy no one wants to touch.

What is it, Peg?

Honey, I got the
sweetest letter.

This lady that I picked
a lucky number for

just won $12 at bingo.

Do you know what this means?

That in a room full of loons
you still manage to stand out?

No. It means I
really do have a gift.

Oh, Al, I've been touched.

Certainly not by me.

Now, I am serious, Al.

Give me your palm.
I'll read your future.

Mm. Better give
me the other one.

That one says nothing.

[LAUGHS]

So, what I'd like to do

is form a lean, mean
psychic machine

with me as your leader,
for a mere 50 percent.

Are you with me?

This is ridiculous!

I share nothing with you, you
psychic-less shoe salesman.

My gift is real,
and so is my curse.

Whoo. Whoa.

Oh, help me.

Save me, Peg,

before the hairs on her very lip

reach out and strangle
me like the mighty octopus.

I'll ask my spirits what to do.

Yeah... You do that, baby.

In the meantime,
Inga, baby, doll,

crone...

now, this is not an order,
but a mere suggestion.

If you don't want in,
then you're free to leave.

Uh, Inga...

you, uh, forgot something.

Oh.

Ooh. Oops.

It slipped.

Tee-hee.

You will pay for
busting my ball.

May you...

It's too late.

May your wife...

No sense in that.

May your children...

Oh, well, I'll think
of something.

But cursed you shall be.

This I vow.

Bippity-boppity-boo.

Anyone else want out?

Good. Then it's settled.

Kelly.

[BLUES BROTHERS' "I CAN'T TURN YOU
LOOSE" PLAYING OVER TAPE PLAYER]

[CHUCKLING] Wow.

It's rolling in.

Curse, my heinie.

Can you imagine
people in this day and age

still believe that mumbo jumbo?

You know, after I
milk Chicago dry,

I'm thinking about heading west.

Yeah, where all a guy needs

is guts and a bad
Hungarian accent

to fleece the beautiful people.

Al, I'm scared.

You are meddling with powers
which, much like a woman's body,

you don't understand.

Madam Inga is real.

Didn't you feel her power
when she walked by?

Peg, the only power I sensed

was that of the mighty
forces unleashed by beans.

But, Daddy, what if
her powers are real?

What if she turns
one of us into a frog?

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, you're laughing now,
but let's see how you feel

when you've been turned
into a thick-thighed waitress.

And that's just
the curse of time.

Wait till Madam
Inga's through with you.

They're magically delicious.
They're magically delicious.

They're magically delicious.

Al.

Al, word's out on the street.

Madam Inga has called together

all the dark forces of
Sweden against you.

What's gonna happen?

I wake up one morning
owning a Volvo?

Spend the rest of
my life as a skier?

Or worse, wake up one morning

next to a long-legged
Nordic beauty

with big honkers?

Oh, no.

Yeah, well, I...
I'm pulling out,

'cause anyone around
you is gonna get it.

We're all gonna walk the Earth
forever as undead masseuses.

Thank your father, kids.

Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Dad.

Now, what's wrong
with you people?

How many times do
you come whining to me:

"Why can't we have a summer
home like the Murphys?"

"Why can't we have a
boat like the Johnsons?"

"Why can't we have
heat like cavemen?"

Well, now that you're up to
your little heinies in TV Guides

and Daddy's bringing
home the bacon,

now what do I hear?

[MOCKINGLY] "Oh,
somebody put a curse on us."

"Ooh, let's blame Daddy."

Well, there's no
such thing as curses.

This is the 20th
century, people.

There's no such thing as curses.

PEG: Well, Al, once again
you've enriched our lives.

Thank your father, kids.

Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Dad.

Hey. We sent Inga all our money,

against my wishes, by the way.

And the curse
should be lifted soon.

If, in fact, there is
such a thing as a curse.

Dad, what if she
never got the money?

Buck has never
let us down before.

He won't let us down now.

Here he comes now.

How you doing, Buck?

Did you...? Did you
send the money, boy?

Well, I had to use it for bail.

No one bothered to tell me
that when humans meet a girl,

it's considered
impolite to sniff her butt.

Damn dog.

Well, I guess we're monkeys.

Yeah, big difference.

[♪♪♪]