Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 3 - Sue Casa, His Casa - full transcript
Bud's new driver's license portends bumper cars on the roadway. When bud t-bones a Mercedes, Al sees an opportunity to clean up in court. At least he has hope. Loosing his lawsuit hurt but what he goes through to payoff the settlement is truly painful.
[♪♪♪]
[GROANING]
[WAILING]
[SOBBING]
What's wrong with Daddy?
Ah, he's just payin' bills.
Nothin' to concern us.
Just be happy he's
not banging his head
against the table.
[BANGING]
Well, I'm signing now, Lord.
Please just smite me
before I get to the Y in Bundy.
Oh, give me that pen.
"Bundy."
Heh. Yet another thing
you start that I finish.
Well, now that that's done,
how 'bout taking
us to the movies?
Well, perhaps you were fooled
by the opulent
luxury of our home.
You see, believe it
or not, we're broke.
Now, I know I've said
we're broke before,
and you've all been very
brave and spent anyway,
but it's really time
to tighten our belts.
Now, Peg, what
can you do without?
Apparently an orgasm.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Heh.
Way to get one.
Kelly, and you?
Well, I think that we all
could do without war, Daddy.
Now do you think you should
have gained more than five pounds
when you were pregnant with her?
Now, there must be
somebody around here
that can think of some
way to save money.
Hey, Dad, I got my license.
Can I have a new car?
Daddy's broke.
You're gonna have to ask Mommy
to get one for you.
Mommy, can I have a new car?
Sure you can.
Oh, what the hell,
new cars for everyone.
That's wonderful!
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Quiet, you morons!
There's gonna be no new
cars and no new drivers.
I already can't
afford insurance,
what with Kelly here
and the U-turn queen.
You know, it's not my fault
that they always put the sales
on the other side of the street.
Dad, all my friends are driving.
Well, if all your friends
were getting married,
would you do that too?
Look, forget a car.
There's no reason to take one
when you can take
a perfectly good bus.
Oh, yeah. I'd look
real cool picking up
that special date
in the old bus.
Hey, you know
what all the guys say:
"For a handful of girl,
give the bus a whirl."
Oh, come on, Al.
You were worried
about Kelly driving,
and in the past year,
she's only gotten
two or three tickets.
And it would have been four
if I hadn't outran
those last cops.
Yep, they were fast
enough to keep up with me
goin' the wrong way
on the expressway,
but when it came time
to jump that drawbridge,
they just didn't have the guts.
Well, I guess that
solves the mystery
of the bullet hole
in my gas tank.
Look, Bud, how 'bout this?
Whenever you want to
go someplace, I'll take you.
Huh? It'll be fun.
And that way
the skirts will think
I'm just one of
your cool friends.
Oh, yeah.
Then you could even
have a cool nickname,
like Jowl Boy.
Son, let this be
a lesson to you.
Never do tequila shooters
within a country mile
of a marriage chapel.
[STOMPS]
Fly.
Tapeworm.
[OLDIES MUSIC PLAYING OUTSIDE]
What's that?
Oh, that's Dad's car stereo.
Since we've been
cruisin' together,
he let me fix it up a little.
Fifteen-hundred watts
and no volume control.
[MUSIC STOPS]
With the right song,
you can drop a bird
at a hundred yards.
Cool.
Hey, Daddy, can I
use the car tonight?
What?
What?
Mom, Daddy's deaf again!
Oh, I'll fix it.
Is that your way
of telling me, uh,
we're out of Q-tips?
Oh, honey, if it's good
enough for the toilet,
they're good enough for you.
So how was your day, sweetie?
Oh, fine.
Just me cruising around,
listening to the oldies channel
at 1500 watts.
Made a lot of new friends.
Take, uh, Officer
Lewis, for example.
Unfortunately, I couldn't hear
his siren at first, but luckily,
police cars are now
equipped with rammers
that gently ease
me into the rail.
Luckily, the cop liked oldies,
so he beat me
with his nightstick
to the tune of "Hey Jude."
Then he wrote me up 18 tickets.
Including the one for
bleeding on his pad.
How was your day?
Quit whining, Dad.
Put on the Bon Jovi
hair, and let's roll.
Gee, honey,
you look like Tarzan.
[CHUCKLES]
If he was old and gay.
Well, Peg, if you were Jane,
believe me, he would be.
Come on, son. Let's roll.
No way.
The car's mine tonight.
Come on, Daddy.
If not, I have to stand
on a street corner
and listen to guys yell
insulting and degrading remarks
and make kissing sounds.
I'm sorry, honey. We
didn't know that was you.
No, forget it, Kel.
That car is mine tonight.
Mine. Mine!
Mine!
Now, that's enough, devil dogs.
Now, I can't take
any more of this.
I'm gonna get car
insurance for him,
and you two can fight
over the car to the death.
Hello. Jim's Fish,
Chips and Insurance?
Al Bundy here. Hi, Jim.
Uh, listen, how much to
put my son on my insurance?
How old? Um...
Sixteen.
Uh, he's 16.
Whoa!
If you think I'm
gonna pay that much,
you're as stupid as those
cats you trap and call "tuna."
You know, when you
insult my wife, Jim,
you don't hurt me, pal.
Well, what'd he say, Al?
Nothing I haven't said myself.
Now, look, Jim,
if that's the best you
can do for a lifetime friend
and someone who
never told the police
what your "catch
of the day" really is,
then you can just take
my insurance and stuff it.
That's right, all of it!
There, family.
Al Bundy takes guff from no one.
ALL: Cheap, cheap, cheap,
cheap, cheap, cheap...
All right, I'm going
to give you the keys.
KELLY: It's mine. Look out.
Out of the way. Give it to me.
Me! Me! Me! Look out. Me!
Look out. Now, hold it!
Just remember:
the one who drives,
be very careful,
because as you know,
we don't have any car...
Give me those! Look out.
Now, hold it!
Be very careful because
we don't have any...
Ah, the hell...
Well, at least my pain is gone.
Al? Oops.
Honey, you know, I may
just be the wife of a moron,
but isn't canceling
our insurance
and giving the car
keys to two teenagers
the work of, well,
the Dalai Lama of morons?
Peg, we don't need insurance.
Insurance is like marriage:
You pay, pay, you
never get anything back.
Besides... Besides,
the car isn't worth more
than 100 bucks
with both kids in it.
Peg, I'm a real hero.
For once, there's
one man brave enough
to stand up and say he
doesn't need any stinking car...
[CRASH OUTSIDE]
Oh!
Is that my car?
Yeah.
Are the kids hurt?
No. Whew.
Then I have to do it myself.
Gee, what a wreck.
A 500SL Mercedes.
You had to hit a
$100,000 Mercedes?
You know, it's amazing.
Your Dodge, with the high
Blue Book value of $70,
sliced right through
that Kraut car like toast.
I'm tellin' you, it
is times like these
that I am proud
to be an American.
Oh. That's good, Peg.
Then it'll be your
job to make sure
Old Glory is flying
high above our heads
as we wait in line
for free cheese.
Oh, how much could
it cost to fix it, huh?
A half a mil?
And you know he's gonna sue.
That's the problem
with America today.
There's jerks out there
everywhere, suing for nothin'.
He hit me, Dad.
We're suing.
Peg, get the kids
some neck braces.
But, Daddy, we weren't hurt.
Why can't you be more
like your brother? Huh?
You don't hear him
whining he's not hurt.
Al. Honey, you know
we can't win a lawsuit.
Why, ever since
Bundy v. the Girl
Scouts of America,
when you claimed to have
choked on a bone in a butter cookie,
no judge has ever
believed a Bundy.
Like I ever had a chance.
Peg, as God as my witness,
that judge's breath smelled
of free chocolate mints.
Let's face it, Al.
Our only chance is if
we had a reliable witness.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, God.
You wanna hear something funny?
This car phone was
lying by my house,
and a policeman came
over and asked me
which car I thought
it came from:
the Mercedes or the Dodge.
[LAUGHING]
He thought it could be yours.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, a shoe salesman
with a car phone.
What's that?
A woman across town
needs a 7 triple E?
I'm on my way.
[IMITATES CAR ENGINE]
[LAUGHING]
[SIGHING] Oh.
Who would have thought
seeing an accident like that
would be so much fun?
You saw it?
Yeah. I saw the whole
thing from the car
while I was saying
good night to my date.
Oh, Al, a non-Bundy
as a witness.
They'll believe her.
But, Peg, do you think a judge
will believe that
she had a date?
Honey, we could
actually be rich.
All those years of
pain and suffering and...
And the humiliation of
having people call me
"Mrs. Bundy" to my face
are finally through.
Oh, kids, go to your sickbeds,
for tomorrow, we sue.
ALL: Whoa, Bundy!
Good night. We're gonna be rich.
[CHUCKLING]
Another accident case?
Great.
I just hope it's not one
of those frivolous lawsuits.
AL: Make way. Make way.
A crippled family
coming through.
Rum.
The case of Bundy v. Fitzwilley.
And Dr. Fitzwilley
is suing the Bundys
for a million dollars.
The Bundys are
countersuing for...
a jillion dollars.
In cash, Your Honor.
Mr. Bundy, before we begin,
could you tell me why your
wife is wearing a neck brace
when she wasn't
involved in the accident?
Uh, let me answer
that, Your Honor.
You see, it's sex whiplash.
But it is accident-related.
You see, my
husband got so excited
over this jillion dollars
that he, uh, just
lost control of himself
last night in bed.
[CHUCKLING]
[SIGHING] Ah.
He kind of caught
me off guard. Heh-heh.
He moved. Heh.
Mr. Bundy, opening statement?
Thank you, Your Honor.
And may I add that it's nice
to see a woman in a robe
who's not wearing fuzzy slippers
and a bag of Doritos in her lap.
And now... [CLEARS THROAT]
on to the lawsuit.
While carrying canned goods
to their local church group,
my beloved children,
Bud and, uh... the girl,
had their futures
maliciously torn asunder
by the merciless destruction
of an Aryan super-car.
This, Your Honor,
is the nightmare of
your unified Germany.
Thanks to my witness,
a professional banker
and brother woman,
we plan to prove
that we deserve
a jillion dollars
in cash,
and we humbly
await your decision.
So, Mrs. Rhoades,
you say you
witnessed the accident.
Yes, I did. Mm-hm.
And where were you?
In my driveway.
I was saying good night
to my date in his car.
Mm-hm. And could you describe
how you saw the accident?
Well, we picked our
heads up, and we...
Picked your heads up.
Where were your heads
that you picked them up?
Well...
Down.
Hey, I know what
you're thinking.
But let me set you straight.
It was not our first date.
And I would like
the record to show
that he bought me dinner first,
and he called me the next day.
And who are you to judge me?
You know what it's like
out there in the dating world,
being smarter than the man
but being unable to show it?
Where is the harm?
Where is the harm?
So, Mrs. Rhoades,
you didn't really see
who was at fault, did you?
No.
But the Mercedes had to be.
My ex-husband drove a Mercedes.
You may step down, Mrs. Rhoades.
He left me like the
parsley on a plate
at a truck-stop diner.
He loved that damn car
more than he loved me.
Bailiff.
They have to stop
making those cars,
don't you see?
They're evil. They tell the man:
"You don't need a wife.
"You're a cool guy.
Look at that
teenager over there."
It's not the men. It's the cars.
I'm warning you, America,
keep your husbands
out of German cars!
Ask me what fahrvergnügen means!
I'll tell you! I...
So, Miss Bundy,
the accident cost
you your sight?
Yes. I am blind
like the mighty oak.
Miss Bundy,
how many fingers
am I holding up?
Oh, you're not gonna
catch me with that one.
I'm blind.
[SCOFFS]
All right. [CLEARS THROAT]
Would you please
point out the man
who hit your car
and blinded you?
Sure. It is that guy right
there with the gray suit
and the little
Band-Aid on his head.
You may step down.
Mr. Bundy...
Uh, please, uh,
just call me Big B.
No.
Mr. Bundy, I bet
you're a good driver.
Ninety-eight on the
written test, babe.
My boy's a winner, Peg.
Not like your girl.
Brush your teeth, honey.
Now, you're a fine
young man. Hm.
Do you know what they do
to fine young men
in the big house?
That's right, Big B.
And that's where you're
headed if you perjure yourself.
So I ask you one
time and one time only:
how did this accident occur?
We were playing Eyesies-Closies,
and my sister put her hands
over my eyes and I couldn't see,
and I hit the gas, and I
heard a terrible crash.
But the part about us being
hurt was the idea of that man.
[SOBBING]
[SIGHS]
Come on, Al.
Ya only owe $50,000.
And you have a whole
month to pay it off.
Now, show some gumption.
You know what we say
back home in Wanker County?
"Nothin' spells lovin'
like marryin' your cousin"?
No.
When times are
tough, we pull together.
So I'll tell you what,
Bud and Kelly and I are
gonna go to the movies
and leave you alone
to think in peace.
Come on, kids.
Dad,
I can't help but feel
somehow responsible for this.
Aw, son, come here
and let me choke
you till you feel better.
Well, you're not mad
at me, are you, Daddy?
No, pumpkin. [CHUCKLES]
How many fists am I holdin' up?
Oh, don't worry, Al.
We'll all pitch in and help.
Why, Bud can sell newspapers,
and Kelly can, uh,
twirl around till
she gets dizzy.
And I can play my
accordion at parties.
And then all you have to do
is come up with the
rest of the 50,000.
You know, I really
think this is gonna bring
our family much closer together.
Mm-hm. Come on.
Mom, do I really have
to sell newspapers?
No. I was just sayin' that.
Fifty-thousand dollars.
Thirty days.
Well, you know what they say.
When the going gets tough,
the tough runs like
a thief in the night.
Goodbye, Al Bundy.
Hello to the mysterious
stranger in a logging camp.
See you on the other side, boy.
[WHINES]
Well, a loggin' man
needs a loggin' dog.
Come on, boy!
♪ North to Alaska ♪
♪ Where north The rush is on ♪
♪ Go north to Alaska ♪
♪ Way north to... ♪
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[THUD] AL: Unh!
[GROWLING]
[♪♪♪]
[GROANING]
[WAILING]
[SOBBING]
What's wrong with Daddy?
Ah, he's just payin' bills.
Nothin' to concern us.
Just be happy he's
not banging his head
against the table.
[BANGING]
Well, I'm signing now, Lord.
Please just smite me
before I get to the Y in Bundy.
Oh, give me that pen.
"Bundy."
Heh. Yet another thing
you start that I finish.
Well, now that that's done,
how 'bout taking
us to the movies?
Well, perhaps you were fooled
by the opulent
luxury of our home.
You see, believe it
or not, we're broke.
Now, I know I've said
we're broke before,
and you've all been very
brave and spent anyway,
but it's really time
to tighten our belts.
Now, Peg, what
can you do without?
Apparently an orgasm.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Heh.
Way to get one.
Kelly, and you?
Well, I think that we all
could do without war, Daddy.
Now do you think you should
have gained more than five pounds
when you were pregnant with her?
Now, there must be
somebody around here
that can think of some
way to save money.
Hey, Dad, I got my license.
Can I have a new car?
Daddy's broke.
You're gonna have to ask Mommy
to get one for you.
Mommy, can I have a new car?
Sure you can.
Oh, what the hell,
new cars for everyone.
That's wonderful!
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Quiet, you morons!
There's gonna be no new
cars and no new drivers.
I already can't
afford insurance,
what with Kelly here
and the U-turn queen.
You know, it's not my fault
that they always put the sales
on the other side of the street.
Dad, all my friends are driving.
Well, if all your friends
were getting married,
would you do that too?
Look, forget a car.
There's no reason to take one
when you can take
a perfectly good bus.
Oh, yeah. I'd look
real cool picking up
that special date
in the old bus.
Hey, you know
what all the guys say:
"For a handful of girl,
give the bus a whirl."
Oh, come on, Al.
You were worried
about Kelly driving,
and in the past year,
she's only gotten
two or three tickets.
And it would have been four
if I hadn't outran
those last cops.
Yep, they were fast
enough to keep up with me
goin' the wrong way
on the expressway,
but when it came time
to jump that drawbridge,
they just didn't have the guts.
Well, I guess that
solves the mystery
of the bullet hole
in my gas tank.
Look, Bud, how 'bout this?
Whenever you want to
go someplace, I'll take you.
Huh? It'll be fun.
And that way
the skirts will think
I'm just one of
your cool friends.
Oh, yeah.
Then you could even
have a cool nickname,
like Jowl Boy.
Son, let this be
a lesson to you.
Never do tequila shooters
within a country mile
of a marriage chapel.
[STOMPS]
Fly.
Tapeworm.
[OLDIES MUSIC PLAYING OUTSIDE]
What's that?
Oh, that's Dad's car stereo.
Since we've been
cruisin' together,
he let me fix it up a little.
Fifteen-hundred watts
and no volume control.
[MUSIC STOPS]
With the right song,
you can drop a bird
at a hundred yards.
Cool.
Hey, Daddy, can I
use the car tonight?
What?
What?
Mom, Daddy's deaf again!
Oh, I'll fix it.
Is that your way
of telling me, uh,
we're out of Q-tips?
Oh, honey, if it's good
enough for the toilet,
they're good enough for you.
So how was your day, sweetie?
Oh, fine.
Just me cruising around,
listening to the oldies channel
at 1500 watts.
Made a lot of new friends.
Take, uh, Officer
Lewis, for example.
Unfortunately, I couldn't hear
his siren at first, but luckily,
police cars are now
equipped with rammers
that gently ease
me into the rail.
Luckily, the cop liked oldies,
so he beat me
with his nightstick
to the tune of "Hey Jude."
Then he wrote me up 18 tickets.
Including the one for
bleeding on his pad.
How was your day?
Quit whining, Dad.
Put on the Bon Jovi
hair, and let's roll.
Gee, honey,
you look like Tarzan.
[CHUCKLES]
If he was old and gay.
Well, Peg, if you were Jane,
believe me, he would be.
Come on, son. Let's roll.
No way.
The car's mine tonight.
Come on, Daddy.
If not, I have to stand
on a street corner
and listen to guys yell
insulting and degrading remarks
and make kissing sounds.
I'm sorry, honey. We
didn't know that was you.
No, forget it, Kel.
That car is mine tonight.
Mine. Mine!
Mine!
Now, that's enough, devil dogs.
Now, I can't take
any more of this.
I'm gonna get car
insurance for him,
and you two can fight
over the car to the death.
Hello. Jim's Fish,
Chips and Insurance?
Al Bundy here. Hi, Jim.
Uh, listen, how much to
put my son on my insurance?
How old? Um...
Sixteen.
Uh, he's 16.
Whoa!
If you think I'm
gonna pay that much,
you're as stupid as those
cats you trap and call "tuna."
You know, when you
insult my wife, Jim,
you don't hurt me, pal.
Well, what'd he say, Al?
Nothing I haven't said myself.
Now, look, Jim,
if that's the best you
can do for a lifetime friend
and someone who
never told the police
what your "catch
of the day" really is,
then you can just take
my insurance and stuff it.
That's right, all of it!
There, family.
Al Bundy takes guff from no one.
ALL: Cheap, cheap, cheap,
cheap, cheap, cheap...
All right, I'm going
to give you the keys.
KELLY: It's mine. Look out.
Out of the way. Give it to me.
Me! Me! Me! Look out. Me!
Look out. Now, hold it!
Just remember:
the one who drives,
be very careful,
because as you know,
we don't have any car...
Give me those! Look out.
Now, hold it!
Be very careful because
we don't have any...
Ah, the hell...
Well, at least my pain is gone.
Al? Oops.
Honey, you know, I may
just be the wife of a moron,
but isn't canceling
our insurance
and giving the car
keys to two teenagers
the work of, well,
the Dalai Lama of morons?
Peg, we don't need insurance.
Insurance is like marriage:
You pay, pay, you
never get anything back.
Besides... Besides,
the car isn't worth more
than 100 bucks
with both kids in it.
Peg, I'm a real hero.
For once, there's
one man brave enough
to stand up and say he
doesn't need any stinking car...
[CRASH OUTSIDE]
Oh!
Is that my car?
Yeah.
Are the kids hurt?
No. Whew.
Then I have to do it myself.
Gee, what a wreck.
A 500SL Mercedes.
You had to hit a
$100,000 Mercedes?
You know, it's amazing.
Your Dodge, with the high
Blue Book value of $70,
sliced right through
that Kraut car like toast.
I'm tellin' you, it
is times like these
that I am proud
to be an American.
Oh. That's good, Peg.
Then it'll be your
job to make sure
Old Glory is flying
high above our heads
as we wait in line
for free cheese.
Oh, how much could
it cost to fix it, huh?
A half a mil?
And you know he's gonna sue.
That's the problem
with America today.
There's jerks out there
everywhere, suing for nothin'.
He hit me, Dad.
We're suing.
Peg, get the kids
some neck braces.
But, Daddy, we weren't hurt.
Why can't you be more
like your brother? Huh?
You don't hear him
whining he's not hurt.
Al. Honey, you know
we can't win a lawsuit.
Why, ever since
Bundy v. the Girl
Scouts of America,
when you claimed to have
choked on a bone in a butter cookie,
no judge has ever
believed a Bundy.
Like I ever had a chance.
Peg, as God as my witness,
that judge's breath smelled
of free chocolate mints.
Let's face it, Al.
Our only chance is if
we had a reliable witness.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, God.
You wanna hear something funny?
This car phone was
lying by my house,
and a policeman came
over and asked me
which car I thought
it came from:
the Mercedes or the Dodge.
[LAUGHING]
He thought it could be yours.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, a shoe salesman
with a car phone.
What's that?
A woman across town
needs a 7 triple E?
I'm on my way.
[IMITATES CAR ENGINE]
[LAUGHING]
[SIGHING] Oh.
Who would have thought
seeing an accident like that
would be so much fun?
You saw it?
Yeah. I saw the whole
thing from the car
while I was saying
good night to my date.
Oh, Al, a non-Bundy
as a witness.
They'll believe her.
But, Peg, do you think a judge
will believe that
she had a date?
Honey, we could
actually be rich.
All those years of
pain and suffering and...
And the humiliation of
having people call me
"Mrs. Bundy" to my face
are finally through.
Oh, kids, go to your sickbeds,
for tomorrow, we sue.
ALL: Whoa, Bundy!
Good night. We're gonna be rich.
[CHUCKLING]
Another accident case?
Great.
I just hope it's not one
of those frivolous lawsuits.
AL: Make way. Make way.
A crippled family
coming through.
Rum.
The case of Bundy v. Fitzwilley.
And Dr. Fitzwilley
is suing the Bundys
for a million dollars.
The Bundys are
countersuing for...
a jillion dollars.
In cash, Your Honor.
Mr. Bundy, before we begin,
could you tell me why your
wife is wearing a neck brace
when she wasn't
involved in the accident?
Uh, let me answer
that, Your Honor.
You see, it's sex whiplash.
But it is accident-related.
You see, my
husband got so excited
over this jillion dollars
that he, uh, just
lost control of himself
last night in bed.
[CHUCKLING]
[SIGHING] Ah.
He kind of caught
me off guard. Heh-heh.
He moved. Heh.
Mr. Bundy, opening statement?
Thank you, Your Honor.
And may I add that it's nice
to see a woman in a robe
who's not wearing fuzzy slippers
and a bag of Doritos in her lap.
And now... [CLEARS THROAT]
on to the lawsuit.
While carrying canned goods
to their local church group,
my beloved children,
Bud and, uh... the girl,
had their futures
maliciously torn asunder
by the merciless destruction
of an Aryan super-car.
This, Your Honor,
is the nightmare of
your unified Germany.
Thanks to my witness,
a professional banker
and brother woman,
we plan to prove
that we deserve
a jillion dollars
in cash,
and we humbly
await your decision.
So, Mrs. Rhoades,
you say you
witnessed the accident.
Yes, I did. Mm-hm.
And where were you?
In my driveway.
I was saying good night
to my date in his car.
Mm-hm. And could you describe
how you saw the accident?
Well, we picked our
heads up, and we...
Picked your heads up.
Where were your heads
that you picked them up?
Well...
Down.
Hey, I know what
you're thinking.
But let me set you straight.
It was not our first date.
And I would like
the record to show
that he bought me dinner first,
and he called me the next day.
And who are you to judge me?
You know what it's like
out there in the dating world,
being smarter than the man
but being unable to show it?
Where is the harm?
Where is the harm?
So, Mrs. Rhoades,
you didn't really see
who was at fault, did you?
No.
But the Mercedes had to be.
My ex-husband drove a Mercedes.
You may step down, Mrs. Rhoades.
He left me like the
parsley on a plate
at a truck-stop diner.
He loved that damn car
more than he loved me.
Bailiff.
They have to stop
making those cars,
don't you see?
They're evil. They tell the man:
"You don't need a wife.
"You're a cool guy.
Look at that
teenager over there."
It's not the men. It's the cars.
I'm warning you, America,
keep your husbands
out of German cars!
Ask me what fahrvergnügen means!
I'll tell you! I...
So, Miss Bundy,
the accident cost
you your sight?
Yes. I am blind
like the mighty oak.
Miss Bundy,
how many fingers
am I holding up?
Oh, you're not gonna
catch me with that one.
I'm blind.
[SCOFFS]
All right. [CLEARS THROAT]
Would you please
point out the man
who hit your car
and blinded you?
Sure. It is that guy right
there with the gray suit
and the little
Band-Aid on his head.
You may step down.
Mr. Bundy...
Uh, please, uh,
just call me Big B.
No.
Mr. Bundy, I bet
you're a good driver.
Ninety-eight on the
written test, babe.
My boy's a winner, Peg.
Not like your girl.
Brush your teeth, honey.
Now, you're a fine
young man. Hm.
Do you know what they do
to fine young men
in the big house?
That's right, Big B.
And that's where you're
headed if you perjure yourself.
So I ask you one
time and one time only:
how did this accident occur?
We were playing Eyesies-Closies,
and my sister put her hands
over my eyes and I couldn't see,
and I hit the gas, and I
heard a terrible crash.
But the part about us being
hurt was the idea of that man.
[SOBBING]
[SIGHS]
Come on, Al.
Ya only owe $50,000.
And you have a whole
month to pay it off.
Now, show some gumption.
You know what we say
back home in Wanker County?
"Nothin' spells lovin'
like marryin' your cousin"?
No.
When times are
tough, we pull together.
So I'll tell you what,
Bud and Kelly and I are
gonna go to the movies
and leave you alone
to think in peace.
Come on, kids.
Dad,
I can't help but feel
somehow responsible for this.
Aw, son, come here
and let me choke
you till you feel better.
Well, you're not mad
at me, are you, Daddy?
No, pumpkin. [CHUCKLES]
How many fists am I holdin' up?
Oh, don't worry, Al.
We'll all pitch in and help.
Why, Bud can sell newspapers,
and Kelly can, uh,
twirl around till
she gets dizzy.
And I can play my
accordion at parties.
And then all you have to do
is come up with the
rest of the 50,000.
You know, I really
think this is gonna bring
our family much closer together.
Mm-hm. Come on.
Mom, do I really have
to sell newspapers?
No. I was just sayin' that.
Fifty-thousand dollars.
Thirty days.
Well, you know what they say.
When the going gets tough,
the tough runs like
a thief in the night.
Goodbye, Al Bundy.
Hello to the mysterious
stranger in a logging camp.
See you on the other side, boy.
[WHINES]
Well, a loggin' man
needs a loggin' dog.
Come on, boy!
♪ North to Alaska ♪
♪ Where north The rush is on ♪
♪ Go north to Alaska ♪
♪ Way north to... ♪
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[THUD] AL: Unh!
[GROWLING]
[♪♪♪]