Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 2 - Al... with Kelly - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[SNIFFLING & COUGHING]

So are you really sick?

You're not just trying to get
out of going to see my mother?

Now, Peg, that hurts.

You know how much I
love that huge, fat woman.

Yeah, we're really sick, Mom.

I think we have
Monte Cristo's revenge.

[SIGHING] Well...

Mom is gonna be
really disappointed.

You know, ever since
her dog, Rusty, died,



the only comfort she has

is patting your head
till she falls asleep.

I am not a Labrador retriever.

And I never bought the
fact that a full-grown dog

could accidentally
wrap itself in bacon

and fall in a microwave oven.

Well, what other explanation
could there have been?

Well, maybe he
could have told us

if his mouth hadn't been
accidentally toothpicked shut.

You know, I don't know.

They find one flea
collar in your bed,

and you're branded
for life as a dog-eater.

Oh, well.

Gee, I wonder what's
taking Bud so long.



You know, I sent him
to the magazine stand

to get Mom some of those
"larger women" romance novels.

She wanted The Pie
Man Always Rings Twice.

[CHUCKLES]

Well...

they were all out
of the Pie Man saga.

So I got her
another old favorite:

The Red Fudge of Courage.

[COUGHING]

Wait a second.

What's with them?

We're sick, so we're not going.

Hah!

I mean...

[COUGHS]

So that's it.

Mom, I'm telling
you, they're not sick.

I saw them
whispering and plotting

in clipped and hushed tones. Hm.

They don't love
Grandma as much as I do.

Why was I not included?

Come on, Bud.

Let's go.

You gonna miss me, honey?

Well, I can't until you leave.

Well, you know, I
left you plenty of food.

It's at the supermarket.

[CHUCKLES]

KELLY: Have a
good time, Junior Mint.

Damn you.

Damn you both.

Damn your eyes.

PEG: Come on, Bud!

Grandma needs a sitz bath!

If it takes me a thousand
years and a thousand lives,

I'll make you pay for this.

This I vow.

Have a good time at Grandma's.

Yeah, tell her we said moo.

[COUGHING]

They're gone! [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Now, Kelly,

we're gonna be spending
a whole week together.

And you might hear a
"yippee" or a "yeow" from me.

That doesn't mean I
don't miss your mama.

Just like changing of
the locks don't mean

k. That doesn't mean I
don't miss your mama.

Just adults, uh, express
their sadness in different ways.

And I express mine
by doing the Bump.

[LAUGHS]

Ah, life is good.

[SIGHS]

To me.

To us.

I meant...

Two beers for you
and none for me.

[LAUGHS]

Daddy, you know, we're
gonna have a week to ourselves,

and I thought that it
would be a good idea

if we did something together.

You know, we never have.

Well, sure we did.

Well, the day you were born,
I carried you from the hospital.

And, uh, 10 years
later, we had ice cream,

and, uh, now, here we are.

Okay, well, how
about if we just talk?

Great.

So, uh...

How's school?

I'm out of school, Daddy.

Good. Good. Um...

So, uh...

How old are you?

Well...

Going by the number
of birthday parties

that you've thrown
for me, I'm... 3.

God, how the years go by.

You don't know much
about me, do you?

I do know I carried
you from the hospital

the day you were born.

I remember 'cause I
accidentally left you

on the top of the car.

I was about to drive away

when I heard this
sad, little voice say,

"Stop. You're forgetting me."

So I got out, let
your mother in,

and there you were.

Oh, Daddy, I've never
felt so close to you.

So this week, let's make sure

that we never see
each other, okay?

That would bring us
even closer together.

Okay. Aw. [LAUGHING]

All right, I'll see you
next week. Bye, Dad.

Whatever.

[SIGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

At last.

Single with TV.

Ah.

BOY [ON TV]: Pa? Pa,
can I really keep the pig

I raised as a pet?

MAN: Sure, you can, son.

Now, uh, run along
and do your chores.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[THREE GUNSHOTS]

[PIG SQUEALS]

The boy sure is dumb.

[WESTERN MUSIC
INTRO PLAYING ON TV]

MAN [ON TV] & AL: ♪ Who's
that ridin' Into the sun? ♪

♪ Who's the man
With the itchy gun? ♪

♪ Who's the man
Who kills for fun? ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ He's quick with a gun ♪

♪ But he loves his son ♪

♪ Killed his wife 'Cause
she weighed a ton ♪

♪ Psycho Dad! ♪

[TOILET FLUSHES]

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

[IMITATING GUNSHOTS]

Sorry, Peg,

but I'm gonna have
to leave you there

as a lesson to other women
who don't cook for me.

Yeah.

Ah...

[LAUGHING] Hey.

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

WOMAN: Al.

Al.

Leave me alone, Peg.

Al,

let's fool around.

Go away.

Please?

You know, pleading
got you married,

but it's not gonna get you...

Well...

Hello.

Are you gonna make me beg?

Oh, you will do things,

but begging will
not be one of them.

KELLY: Daddy!

[MOANING]

Daddy?

Mm. Hm-mm.

Daddy?

It's not what you think.

It couldn't be.

By the way, what the
hell are you doing here?

I'm sick.

[GROANS]

AL: I wonder

what Psycho Dad would
do in a case like this.

There, there,
pumpkin. There, there.

[SNIFFS]

Ugh.

[DOOR OPENS]

God, what a day
in the shoe store.

We had a clearance sale.

We had to get rid of
all our size 13DDDD's.

Store was packed with women.

Well, there were actually
only two in the store,

but it was wall-to-wall.

You know, you'd think...

You'd think that
women with big, fat feet

would be slim and beautiful,

but surprisingly...

[CONGESTED] Daddy, I'm sick.

Will you make me some toast?

Well, Kelly, you
were here all day.

Couldn't you make some yourself?

No.

Heh, you are your mother's
daughter, aren't you?

Would you mind telling me
why you couldn't make some?

Isn't it obvious?

Because I am sick,

and if I touched the bread,
then I would get my germs on it,

and then I would be
eating my own germs.

Oh, and another reason
is we don't have any bread.

Well, if we don't
have any bread,

how can you expect
me to make toast?

Aw, no.

Why didn't you
call me at the store,

so I could have
picked some bread up?

Isn't it obvious?

[SIGHS]

Because if I used the phone,
then I'd be getting germs on it,

and then I would be
talking to my own germs.

[MUTTERS]

Come on, get me
some bread, Daddy.

Wait, I'm just waiting
to hear something.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Now, I can go.

[DOOR OPENS]

Are you okay, Daddy?

Oh, great.

Lucky for me, the
hailstones stopped

just as I pulled
into the garage.

What are you doing?

Eatin' pizza.

Some for me?

Oh, no, it's all gone, Daddy.

Too bad, 'cause it was
a real good one too.

Who the hell is this?

I'm Artie from Pizza by Jake.

You owe me 7.50, plus a tip.

I'll give you a tip.

Doors are hard.

Keep the change.

Pumpkin, let me
ask you something.

If you couldn't call
me at work for bread,

when did you decide
you could call for pizza?

Well, I was thinking, and I
remembered that old rhyme:

Feet are cold, starve for pizza.

No, wait, or is it:

Starve a pizza, eat cold feet.

Well, at least we know

your fever's shot
right past your IQ.

Now,

I guess we can...

We can use that
bread a little later.

[SIGHS]

So, what do you wanna do, Dad?

Well, we could lower our
heads and run into each other.

[CHUCKLES]

Daddy, you're so
funny. I love you.

Do you love me?

Well, love, hate...
Look, we're a family.

What's the difference?

Now, Kelly, go be
sick in your room.

Daddy wants to watch
tube-top wrestling.

No, but you can't, Daddy.

Because tonight is the
big music video countdown.

It's the top 10,000
classic videos of 1989.

Oh, come on. Watch
with me, Daddy.

Maybe you'll see
one of your favorites.

Uh, well, I... I really like
the oldies. You know:

See me, touch me,
feel me Marry me, kill me

Good night, pumpkin.

Oh, one more thing, Daddy.

Wh...? Why, did you
hear a tornado's coming?

You want me to go
out for pantyhose?

Daddy, you know I
haven't worn pantyhose

since I was 7.

Anyway, while the pizza boy
was going through the drawers,

he found this.

What's that?

It's a bell.

Remember?

Mom got it last April Fools'?

She'd ring it,

and you'd think
dinner was ready,

so you'd come
running down the stairs

with a big smile on your face.

And then when there'd
be nothing to eat,

we'd all be laughing
and pointing.

And then... Then you'd go
on upstairs all sad and hungry.

Please stop, Daddy.

If I laugh, I'm gonna cough.

But I was starving.

[LAUGHING]

"I was starv..."

[COUGHING]

Oh, God, you crack me up.

Anyway, I just thought
that it would be a good idea

to call you when
I need something.

But don't worry,
I'm not gonna use it

unless it is really,
truly necessary, okay?

[BELL RINGING]

[HEAVY METAL
MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

What? What?

Oh, hi, Daddy.

Oh, I was just playing
along with the video.

[CHUCKLES]

And for the lack of one condom,

an entire life was ruined.

[RINGING]

Honey, I'm home.

How was your day?

Well, a wealthy
executive's life is a busy one,

but why should I
bore you with that?

Here's my paycheck.

So, what did you do today, dear?

Well, I watched TV

and drank beer.

You're so clever.

I do what I can.

Well, do what you can with me.

[BELL RINGING]

KELLY: Daddy!

Daddy-y!

[BELL RINGING]

Daddy!

What is it?

What is it?

I can't sleep.

Well, have you tried
counting something?

Like the seconds
you have left to live?

I want you to tell
me a bedtime story.

You know, like you never
did when I was a child.

Please?

That's not going to work.

Please?

Okay.

It's not a happy story.

It's a story of great
sadness and woe.

Once upon a time...

there was a man who sold shoes.

He was a good man,

but, somehow,

good things never came to him.

Did I mention he was a
great athlete in high school?

People cheered him.

That was before the...

red thing appeared.

Darkness fell on Shoetown.

Who would take on the red beast?

Who would battle?

Who would marry it?

The little shoe man
stepped forward.

Or perhaps the others
just stepped back...

At any rate,

an unholy union was born.

So were two unholy children.

And the lowly shoe man,

who once had been a
mighty athlete in high school

and scored four
touchdowns in one game

and had many offers
to junior colleges

and could have made
something of his life...

laid down...

and died.

The end.

Al.

As in, Al night long?

As in, Al I want.

Well, then, Al you shall have.

Honey, I'm home!

Al Hercules Bundy!

Who is this person?

Who's this, Alzy?

Well?

Well?

Well, obviously, I'm
having a hell of a dream.

Rather...

Rather than take
time and explain it all,

why don't you two just fight
over me right here on the bed

while I watch and take pictures.

And the winner

gets to have me first.

And third,

and fifth.

You may begin.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Girls.

There's not enough
hair whipping around.

Al, this is really
no fun unless you...

[SEDUCTIVELY] join us.

Yes, please join us.

Well...

Okay.

Here comes Daddy.

[BELL RINGING]

[GRUNTS]

[RINGING]

Oh, I just wanted you to see

how cute Buck
looked with the bell.

[LAUGHING]

[BELL BOUNCES TWICE]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[CRASH]

Oh, Daddy, one more thing.

[MONSTROUS VOICE]
What do you want?

I want...

I want...

[SNEEZES]

I wanna say good night.

[CHUCKLES]

[AL COUGHS]

God, I feel great.

I am so glad I'm
over with that cold.

It was death.

So how are you today, Daddy?

Mm.

I'm better. My fever
is down to 120 now.

Well, I just wanted to thank you

for taking care of me all week.

That was very
sweet of you, Daddy.

And if there is
anything that you want,

you just ask.

Well, thank you, honey.

I could use maybe
a little crust of...

[HORN HONKS]

Oops. I gotta go. Goodbye.

Fine. Go.

No eat, no drink, no
money have I none.

Well, at least there's one thing

they can't take away from me.

WOMAN: Al.

Al.

Coming.

It's enema time!

[LAUGHS]

Someone ring the bell.

Oh, God! I can't wake up!

AL: Help me!

[♪♪♪]