Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 22 - You Better Shop Around: Part 2 - full transcript
The Bundys and Darcys shop 'til they drop to see who will win $1000 in groceries. Needless to say, Marquis of Queensbury rules will not apply.
We won! We won! We won!
Oh, Al, listen to
my heartbeat. Oh.
It's incredible, Peg.
I can hear it from here.
Sir, your ear hair
is sticking me.
Get over here and
celebrate with your family.
That man cut in front of me.
I should have been
the millionth customer.
Bundy. Cut in
front of this woman?
What woman?
Oh, you know it was
me, you gaggle of pirates.
Now, I have stood
mutely by for five years
and watched you steal my paper,
siphon my gas,
loiter in my bushes
doing God knows what.
But I will not permit this.
This is my $1000 shopping spree
and I will have my
shopping spree,
if I have to carry my
groceries home in your skulls.
You want me to
clock her one, Daddy?
Let me handle this.
You know what you need to
take your mind off this, babe?
A nice, cool Bud.
And, uh, keep the
biting to a minimum.
It's a school night.
Excuse me. Coming
through, coming through.
Hi, there. I'm Mr. Foodie.
I'm here to congratulate
the lucky winner.
By the way, who is it?
Me! Me!
What a lovely couple.
Uh, I'm not
married to this thing,
I'm married to that thing.
Wait a second.
Aren't you Al Bundy?
Did you let this man
pay with a check?
Hey.
The only thing
wrong with my checks
is they're postdated,
like your milk.
This man cut in front
of me and bought gum.
Now, I have been a
faithful customer of this store
for many years.
My checks are always good.
I have a preferred
customer card.
And I know the
Foodies jingle by heart:
♪ Foodies ♪
♪ We're a store with food ♪
♪ And heart ♪
Well, you know, that only proves
that you two have little
rhythm and no lives.
We, on the other
hand, have a receipt...
and no lives.
And besides, we live here.
Hush, pumpkin.
Now, now, go wheel
your brother to the car.
All right, Foodie, now,
what are you gonna do here?
Well, there's only one fair way.
Give us both prizes?
No, I meant fair for Foodies.
No, we'll let you compete for
the millionth-customer prize.
Yes, you'll both be
in the shopping spree,
And whoever comes up
with $1000 worth
of groceries first
gets to keep 'em.
Well, what does the loser get?
Gets to congratulate the winner.
You know, Al,
I've been thinking.
What if we really do win
that $1000 worth of groceries?
Then what do we do?
Well, Peg, I saw on
60 Minutes last week,
where some people
found with food
actually cook it up and eat it.
I've never seen
Morley so shaken.
So I was right.
I'm not the
winner in this at all.
You get all the
food and the glory,
and I just get endless hours
standing in front
of the big hot thing.
No, Peg, that's the stove.
You're the big hot thing.
Peg, Peg, I'll tell you what.
If we win this contest...
I get six hot meals.
Then we sell the
rest of the food,
we get an air conditioner.
Really, Al? You mean it?
We get an air conditioner?
Six meals, Peg.
One. Four.
One. Three.
One. Two.
One. Done!
Mom, Dad, I think
we're in for some trouble.
Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy are
out there doing wind sprints
around the neighborhood.
Then they come to stop
signs and drop for pushups.
Yeah, Jefferson does 25
with Marcie on his back,
and then Marcie does 50
with Jefferson on her back.
I'm not worried. I'm
a finely honed athlete.
And as for your mother,
Peg, show them what
a real pushup looks like.
All right, kids, I admit
it. I did not marry well.
But... if you haven't
ever believed
anything I've ever told you...
And we haven't.
Believe this:
We will win this contest.
We will win. We will win big.
We will win in the
Bundy tradition:
We will cheat our heinies off.
Now, can I get a "whoa, Bundy"?
Whoaaaa, Bundy!
Look, Marcie.
Best cart in the lot.
The Foodies cart stunk,
but I got this baby from a
bag lady across the street.
They always have the best stuff.
You excite me like
no man I've ever met.
No mercy to the Bundys.
No mercy.
Let's see 'em top this, baby.
Excuse me.
What is this contraption?
That's Peg. You know her.
Not that, Pillsbury Shoeboy.
This thing you're pushing,
this is not a regulation cart.
Au contraire, buzz cut.
I found it right
outside. Didn't I, family?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, you did.
Mr. Foodie, a ruling, please.
Hm?
Oh, I don't know.
No, it's one of yours.
See? It says "We love
Foodies" on the side.
Oh, I like that!
Here, let's... Let's get
a picture of that baby.
But I'm not sure that
this cart is one of mine.
Well... Hey...
Doesn't wobble. Hm.
Get these people a
regulation Foodies cart.
All right, contestants,
places, please.
Dad, where'd you get this cart?
Made it myself in the garage
with parts of the lawn mower
and the side of the house
and your mother's car.
See, it's aerodynamic,
got your front and
rear sway bars,
rack-and-pinion steering,
and genuine Ginsu
spike attitude adjusters
on the hood.
It's also got some, uh,
antipersonnel device or two...
just for show.
Damn that hair trigger.
There goes my tiebreaker, Peg.
Well, what do you think?
You can do all this,
and yet you can't get a
better job than shoe salesman?
I think a little
research will show
that most of your great
implements of death
are the result of zombied-out
daydreams of shoe salesmen.
Well, now it's time to
announce the celebrity host
of the Foodies millionth
customer competition.
Well, you loved
him as the Beaver,
and... now, I guess,
er, as the new Beaver.
So let's give a nice,
warm Foodies welcome
to Jerry Mathers.
Thank you very much.
You're very kind.
I, uh, think our agreement
called for cash in advance.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's certainly a pleasure
to be here at Foodies,
the store with great
food and super low prices.
Oh, merciful heavens,
won't somebody please shoot me?
Somebody, please,
just put a bullet through
the ol' Beav's head.
Oh, Al, look at him.
He's brought so much
pleasure to so many.
Can't you give him a
job at the shoe store?
Yeah, that's all I need, Peg:
Work all day with the Beaver
and come home to you.
And, uh, now for the rules:
Whoever gets $1000
worth of food first
gets to keep it.
Which, by the way, is more
than I'm getting for this gig.
Can it be true?
Can Match Game PM
not use another celebrity?
Am I truly lower than
Charles Nelson Reilly?
Who is this blubbering mess?
I think he was Opie.
Opie was Ron
Howard, you little fool.
I was...
No, I am the Beaver!
Thank you, Jerry Mathers.
Everybody. Everybody.
Spare me your pity clap.
Sign this, Opie.
It's Jerry, and
it'll be two bucks.
Well, what I think, uh...
I think Mr. Mathers
means is, uh,
contestants, wish
each other good luck.
Drop dead.
Lick feet. Eat dust.
Grow hair.
On your mark...
get set...
go!
Come on, Peg. Come on, Peg!
Follow me, Peg! Follow me, baby!
Come on, Peg, follow
me! Just like we planned.
Just like we
practiced. Here's one.
Here's two. Here's three.
Peg! Peg! Where is
that damn woman?
Look, Al. "Do It To Me Red."
They never have
this at my salon.
Look, if you want me,
I'll be in beauty supplies.
Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hu...
Too cheap, honey.
We don't need it.
I know.
Look, Al. I found
this really expensive...
Al?
Al Bundy, would you
stop fooling around?
Come on.
Al!
Uh, listen, could you settle a
bet between me and my sister?
Now, she says you
frittered away all your money
on booze and cheap women.
I say doughnuts and cheap booze.
Give me a quarter
or just go away.
Get it in there.
Let's go. Let's go.
Viva la Cart of Death!
Mr. Beaver?
Could you settle another bet
between me and my brother?
He says that you're so
low, that for this nickel,
that you would
stand on this chair
and bellow like a moose.
Now, I say, if you could
bellow like a moose,
why would you be here?
Beav.
Oh, Beav.
Attention, contestants.
Our first totals are in.
The Bundys, $210.
The D'Arcys, 270.
Eat hot grocery death!
Al! Honey! We're losing!
Now, you're a pro
at that. Do something!
Stay calm, Peg.
We've been paying
too much attention
to what they have been doing.
From now on, we
play with our heads
instead of our hearts. Come on.
Okay.
Hut!
Hut!
Come on, Marcie. Hut!
Jefferson. Huh?
See, Peg, if I was playing with
my heart instead of my head,
I'd have waited till
Marcie was loading.
Oh, you're a good man, Al.
And a pretty darn
good friend too.
Come on, Peg! Come on, Peg!
Last count: the
D'Arcys, $720 worth.
The Bundys, $710.
Look, here's 50 cents.
It's all I have.
Just please, leave me alone.
Just one last question,
if all the autographs hounds
can stay back for a second...
Did you ever think of teaming
up with the Eddie Munster kid
for the Thoroughly
Pathetic Tour '91?
Look...
let's get this over
with once and for all.
I may have to earn
a pathetic living
by donning the cap of the Beaver
and appearing at supermarkets,
but at least my father
doesn't sell women's shoes.
Golly, that felt good.
That's my douche!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah? Well, you
touched my Girlie Fizz.
Come on, give me that.
It's mine and I want it.
Damn it, Al! Now,
we're both men.
There's plenty of room
in feminine hygiene
for the both of us.
All right? Let's shake on it.
I'm blind!
And I smell like summer rain!
Peg! Peg, where are you?
Right here, honey.
Damn Jefferson blinded
me with feminine goo.
He ought to take some home
and spray it in his own eyes
before he gets
in bed with that...
Ow!
Ow!
Al, Al, honey, come
on, stop dilly-dallying.
We're behind!
Come on.
Let's go.
Jefferson, bonanza!
Imported water!
Oh, my God, my contact.
I've lost my contact.
You know, the
problem with you, Al,
is you're playing too much
with Jefferson and Marcie
to pay attention to
what you're doing.
I guess I'll just have to pay
attention for the both of us.
Jefferson, I've fallen,
and I can't get up.
Marcie? Marcie?
Where are you?
There you are.
Look, Marcie.
Shallots from Italy.
You know how much
these babies are worth?
I don't know, honey.
You think now you could
dash over to the first-aid aisle
and see if you can
find me an artery clip?
Okey-dokey.
Ah, me.
That's me.
I was the Beaver.
Who?
Our two families are
running neck and neck.
The, uh, the D'Arcys, $990.
The Bundys, $979.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's a horse race.
They've incapacitated
the Cart of Death, Peg!
Oh, no. Al, we're gonna lose!
Not this time, babe.
Stee-rike!
One thousand dollars!
The Bundys win!
We won! We won!
Peg! Peg, where are you?
Where are you, Peg?
I'm comin', Al.
I'm comin'.
Gangway!
No, Peg, no! It's over!
Well, I married her.
Well, throw another city
on the barbie, eh, God?
It's 112, so please
remember to crack the window
when you leave
Grandma in the car.
Oh, this is the life, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Food and an air conditioner.
Well, your father finally
came through for us.
So when's Daddy gonna
be able to enjoy all this?
Well, I don't know.
The doctor says that cool air
isn't really good
for an exposed liver.
But don't worry,
Daddy's happy in his pool.
And I just brought
him a nice cool drink.
Oh, Al, listen to
my heartbeat. Oh.
It's incredible, Peg.
I can hear it from here.
Sir, your ear hair
is sticking me.
Get over here and
celebrate with your family.
That man cut in front of me.
I should have been
the millionth customer.
Bundy. Cut in
front of this woman?
What woman?
Oh, you know it was
me, you gaggle of pirates.
Now, I have stood
mutely by for five years
and watched you steal my paper,
siphon my gas,
loiter in my bushes
doing God knows what.
But I will not permit this.
This is my $1000 shopping spree
and I will have my
shopping spree,
if I have to carry my
groceries home in your skulls.
You want me to
clock her one, Daddy?
Let me handle this.
You know what you need to
take your mind off this, babe?
A nice, cool Bud.
And, uh, keep the
biting to a minimum.
It's a school night.
Excuse me. Coming
through, coming through.
Hi, there. I'm Mr. Foodie.
I'm here to congratulate
the lucky winner.
By the way, who is it?
Me! Me!
What a lovely couple.
Uh, I'm not
married to this thing,
I'm married to that thing.
Wait a second.
Aren't you Al Bundy?
Did you let this man
pay with a check?
Hey.
The only thing
wrong with my checks
is they're postdated,
like your milk.
This man cut in front
of me and bought gum.
Now, I have been a
faithful customer of this store
for many years.
My checks are always good.
I have a preferred
customer card.
And I know the
Foodies jingle by heart:
♪ Foodies ♪
♪ We're a store with food ♪
♪ And heart ♪
Well, you know, that only proves
that you two have little
rhythm and no lives.
We, on the other
hand, have a receipt...
and no lives.
And besides, we live here.
Hush, pumpkin.
Now, now, go wheel
your brother to the car.
All right, Foodie, now,
what are you gonna do here?
Well, there's only one fair way.
Give us both prizes?
No, I meant fair for Foodies.
No, we'll let you compete for
the millionth-customer prize.
Yes, you'll both be
in the shopping spree,
And whoever comes up
with $1000 worth
of groceries first
gets to keep 'em.
Well, what does the loser get?
Gets to congratulate the winner.
You know, Al,
I've been thinking.
What if we really do win
that $1000 worth of groceries?
Then what do we do?
Well, Peg, I saw on
60 Minutes last week,
where some people
found with food
actually cook it up and eat it.
I've never seen
Morley so shaken.
So I was right.
I'm not the
winner in this at all.
You get all the
food and the glory,
and I just get endless hours
standing in front
of the big hot thing.
No, Peg, that's the stove.
You're the big hot thing.
Peg, Peg, I'll tell you what.
If we win this contest...
I get six hot meals.
Then we sell the
rest of the food,
we get an air conditioner.
Really, Al? You mean it?
We get an air conditioner?
Six meals, Peg.
One. Four.
One. Three.
One. Two.
One. Done!
Mom, Dad, I think
we're in for some trouble.
Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy are
out there doing wind sprints
around the neighborhood.
Then they come to stop
signs and drop for pushups.
Yeah, Jefferson does 25
with Marcie on his back,
and then Marcie does 50
with Jefferson on her back.
I'm not worried. I'm
a finely honed athlete.
And as for your mother,
Peg, show them what
a real pushup looks like.
All right, kids, I admit
it. I did not marry well.
But... if you haven't
ever believed
anything I've ever told you...
And we haven't.
Believe this:
We will win this contest.
We will win. We will win big.
We will win in the
Bundy tradition:
We will cheat our heinies off.
Now, can I get a "whoa, Bundy"?
Whoaaaa, Bundy!
Look, Marcie.
Best cart in the lot.
The Foodies cart stunk,
but I got this baby from a
bag lady across the street.
They always have the best stuff.
You excite me like
no man I've ever met.
No mercy to the Bundys.
No mercy.
Let's see 'em top this, baby.
Excuse me.
What is this contraption?
That's Peg. You know her.
Not that, Pillsbury Shoeboy.
This thing you're pushing,
this is not a regulation cart.
Au contraire, buzz cut.
I found it right
outside. Didn't I, family?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, you did.
Mr. Foodie, a ruling, please.
Hm?
Oh, I don't know.
No, it's one of yours.
See? It says "We love
Foodies" on the side.
Oh, I like that!
Here, let's... Let's get
a picture of that baby.
But I'm not sure that
this cart is one of mine.
Well... Hey...
Doesn't wobble. Hm.
Get these people a
regulation Foodies cart.
All right, contestants,
places, please.
Dad, where'd you get this cart?
Made it myself in the garage
with parts of the lawn mower
and the side of the house
and your mother's car.
See, it's aerodynamic,
got your front and
rear sway bars,
rack-and-pinion steering,
and genuine Ginsu
spike attitude adjusters
on the hood.
It's also got some, uh,
antipersonnel device or two...
just for show.
Damn that hair trigger.
There goes my tiebreaker, Peg.
Well, what do you think?
You can do all this,
and yet you can't get a
better job than shoe salesman?
I think a little
research will show
that most of your great
implements of death
are the result of zombied-out
daydreams of shoe salesmen.
Well, now it's time to
announce the celebrity host
of the Foodies millionth
customer competition.
Well, you loved
him as the Beaver,
and... now, I guess,
er, as the new Beaver.
So let's give a nice,
warm Foodies welcome
to Jerry Mathers.
Thank you very much.
You're very kind.
I, uh, think our agreement
called for cash in advance.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's certainly a pleasure
to be here at Foodies,
the store with great
food and super low prices.
Oh, merciful heavens,
won't somebody please shoot me?
Somebody, please,
just put a bullet through
the ol' Beav's head.
Oh, Al, look at him.
He's brought so much
pleasure to so many.
Can't you give him a
job at the shoe store?
Yeah, that's all I need, Peg:
Work all day with the Beaver
and come home to you.
And, uh, now for the rules:
Whoever gets $1000
worth of food first
gets to keep it.
Which, by the way, is more
than I'm getting for this gig.
Can it be true?
Can Match Game PM
not use another celebrity?
Am I truly lower than
Charles Nelson Reilly?
Who is this blubbering mess?
I think he was Opie.
Opie was Ron
Howard, you little fool.
I was...
No, I am the Beaver!
Thank you, Jerry Mathers.
Everybody. Everybody.
Spare me your pity clap.
Sign this, Opie.
It's Jerry, and
it'll be two bucks.
Well, what I think, uh...
I think Mr. Mathers
means is, uh,
contestants, wish
each other good luck.
Drop dead.
Lick feet. Eat dust.
Grow hair.
On your mark...
get set...
go!
Come on, Peg. Come on, Peg!
Follow me, Peg! Follow me, baby!
Come on, Peg, follow
me! Just like we planned.
Just like we
practiced. Here's one.
Here's two. Here's three.
Peg! Peg! Where is
that damn woman?
Look, Al. "Do It To Me Red."
They never have
this at my salon.
Look, if you want me,
I'll be in beauty supplies.
Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hu...
Too cheap, honey.
We don't need it.
I know.
Look, Al. I found
this really expensive...
Al?
Al Bundy, would you
stop fooling around?
Come on.
Al!
Uh, listen, could you settle a
bet between me and my sister?
Now, she says you
frittered away all your money
on booze and cheap women.
I say doughnuts and cheap booze.
Give me a quarter
or just go away.
Get it in there.
Let's go. Let's go.
Viva la Cart of Death!
Mr. Beaver?
Could you settle another bet
between me and my brother?
He says that you're so
low, that for this nickel,
that you would
stand on this chair
and bellow like a moose.
Now, I say, if you could
bellow like a moose,
why would you be here?
Beav.
Oh, Beav.
Attention, contestants.
Our first totals are in.
The Bundys, $210.
The D'Arcys, 270.
Eat hot grocery death!
Al! Honey! We're losing!
Now, you're a pro
at that. Do something!
Stay calm, Peg.
We've been paying
too much attention
to what they have been doing.
From now on, we
play with our heads
instead of our hearts. Come on.
Okay.
Hut!
Hut!
Come on, Marcie. Hut!
Jefferson. Huh?
See, Peg, if I was playing with
my heart instead of my head,
I'd have waited till
Marcie was loading.
Oh, you're a good man, Al.
And a pretty darn
good friend too.
Come on, Peg! Come on, Peg!
Last count: the
D'Arcys, $720 worth.
The Bundys, $710.
Look, here's 50 cents.
It's all I have.
Just please, leave me alone.
Just one last question,
if all the autographs hounds
can stay back for a second...
Did you ever think of teaming
up with the Eddie Munster kid
for the Thoroughly
Pathetic Tour '91?
Look...
let's get this over
with once and for all.
I may have to earn
a pathetic living
by donning the cap of the Beaver
and appearing at supermarkets,
but at least my father
doesn't sell women's shoes.
Golly, that felt good.
That's my douche!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah? Well, you
touched my Girlie Fizz.
Come on, give me that.
It's mine and I want it.
Damn it, Al! Now,
we're both men.
There's plenty of room
in feminine hygiene
for the both of us.
All right? Let's shake on it.
I'm blind!
And I smell like summer rain!
Peg! Peg, where are you?
Right here, honey.
Damn Jefferson blinded
me with feminine goo.
He ought to take some home
and spray it in his own eyes
before he gets
in bed with that...
Ow!
Ow!
Al, Al, honey, come
on, stop dilly-dallying.
We're behind!
Come on.
Let's go.
Jefferson, bonanza!
Imported water!
Oh, my God, my contact.
I've lost my contact.
You know, the
problem with you, Al,
is you're playing too much
with Jefferson and Marcie
to pay attention to
what you're doing.
I guess I'll just have to pay
attention for the both of us.
Jefferson, I've fallen,
and I can't get up.
Marcie? Marcie?
Where are you?
There you are.
Look, Marcie.
Shallots from Italy.
You know how much
these babies are worth?
I don't know, honey.
You think now you could
dash over to the first-aid aisle
and see if you can
find me an artery clip?
Okey-dokey.
Ah, me.
That's me.
I was the Beaver.
Who?
Our two families are
running neck and neck.
The, uh, the D'Arcys, $990.
The Bundys, $979.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's a horse race.
They've incapacitated
the Cart of Death, Peg!
Oh, no. Al, we're gonna lose!
Not this time, babe.
Stee-rike!
One thousand dollars!
The Bundys win!
We won! We won!
Peg! Peg, where are you?
Where are you, Peg?
I'm comin', Al.
I'm comin'.
Gangway!
No, Peg, no! It's over!
Well, I married her.
Well, throw another city
on the barbie, eh, God?
It's 112, so please
remember to crack the window
when you leave
Grandma in the car.
Oh, this is the life, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Food and an air conditioner.
Well, your father finally
came through for us.
So when's Daddy gonna
be able to enjoy all this?
Well, I don't know.
The doctor says that cool air
isn't really good
for an exposed liver.
But don't worry,
Daddy's happy in his pool.
And I just brought
him a nice cool drink.