Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 23 - Route 666: Part 1 - full transcript
While on their way to Los Angeles for a "Shoe Convention," the Bundy's car breaks down in the small town of Lucifer, New Mexico where they meet an old prospector who gives them a map to an ...
Damn.
I know that man has money
hidden here somewhere.
Well, I can't find any,
and I have searched
my eyes to the bone.
Well, I know it's
here somewhere.
Bud, you were
downstairs for two hours.
Didn't you find anything?
Uh... Absolutely nothing.
Hm?
I... I brought these
down with me.
Now, I know he has hidden money.
I got a sign from above.
This morning, the bacon strips
on my Grand Slam breakfast
were in the shape
of dollar signs.
You had a Grand Slam breakfast.
Oh.
Didn't I take you two with me?
Oh, I know.
I just ordered things
I knew you'd like.
Did I have the sausage?
A double order.
Ha.
Okay, kids. Let's
go back to work.
I know he has money
here somewhere.
Now, who wants to check
his underwear drawer?
All right. I'll check
his underwear.
After all, he has only one pair.
Now, Bud, you take the closet.
Appropriate for you, Bud.
And, Kelly, honey, you
take the back seat of the car.
Appropriate for you, Kel.
All right.
Whoa, money!
Hi, Dad.
Save the effort for
the bathroom, Dad.
I saw the money.
Pretty crafty hiding
it in the one place
that even Mom has
always feared to tread.
It's not what you think.
Oh, then, you're not gonna
go somewhere without us?
Well, then, it is
what you think.
But, son...
I'm going to a shoe convention.
I thought after your
failed, beer-induced
"shoe d'état" back in '87,
you were barred from
the conventions for life.
I was.
But Jim Thompson wasn't.
And that's my new name.
Uh, Dad...
Uh... Call me Jim.
Jim, uh...
Surely even a dull
man has asked himself,
"Why would anyone wanna
go to a shoe convention?"
To stay on the cutting edge
of the shoe business, son.
To exchange shoe information.
To find out new shoe technology.
To bounce shoe
groupies on my knee.
And more importantly...
And this is something you
must never, ever tell your mother
this year, it's in L.A.
L.A.?
Home of Hollywood, sunshine,
and huge, man-made hooters?
And... And let's not forget
their world-famous shoe stores.
Oh, and what about
the city's culture?
I've been saving
up all my money.
Oh, look what I already bought.
"Producer."
I'm gonna... I'm gonna put it
on the front of the old
Dodge to trick the chicks.
Now, son.
Remember... you
must not utter a word
to any member of the family.
I swear, Dad.
When do we leave?
We, son? Well...
I seek fun, I go alone.
Now, remember, son,
you're the man of the house now.
And remember...
silence for the
brotherhood of men.
Mom, Dad has money!
He's planning to
spend it without us!
I knew it. I knew it!
The bacon never lies.
Yes. He's going to L.A.
L.A.?
We're going to Long Island?
No, honey.
It's Los Angeles we're going to!
We're going to Los Angeles!
No, you're not. I'm going alone.
Can we drop in on Hef?
No!
Can we go to Garfield's house?
No!
Oh, Al, can I buy a bra at
Frederick's of Hollywood?
Hell, no!
Now, hear me, all of you.
I'm going alone.
You can scream, you can cry.
Peg, you can
threaten me with sex.
You're not going.
I, Jim Thompson, have spoken.
♪ 99 bottles of
beer On the wall ♪
♪ 99 bottles of beer ♪
♪ You take one down
You pass it around ♪
♪ 98 bottles of
beer On the wall ♪
Beautiful country, isn't it?
♪ 98 bottles of beer... ♪
It smells in this car.
That's America
you're smelling, kids.
Just look at its majesty.
♪ Toodle-lumma-lumma
Toodle-lumma-lumma ♪
♪ Toodle-ee-ay ♪
♪ I picked my bananas
All along the way ♪
♪ Singing toodle-lumma-lumma
Toodle-ee-ay ♪
Daddy, are we there yet?
Don't bother your father
while he's driving, Kelly.
Are we, Al?
Al, wake up!
♪ 99 bottles of beer ♪
♪ Pass it along... 98... ♪
Where are we?
Chill in the air, eh, Zeke?
I thought you were Zeke.
Maybe I am.
Go on inside and
sauté us up a varmint.
Hey, look.
There's something
you don't see every day:
people.
Are we alive?
Ah, what do I know?
Last thing I know,
we're on Route 666,
and now we got a
broken axle on our car.
Nice driving, pumpkin.
It was not my fault.
I saw a sign that said "dip,"
so naturally, I
looked at Bud... Oh.
The next thing I knew,
we were airborne.
Look, Al.
Seems like we happened upon
a shoe salesman
convention after all.
All right. All right,
let me handle this.
Uh, excuse me,
Six Tooth... Uh...
You know where I
can get a car fixed?
Gas station, I reckon.
Is there one around here?
Oh, yeah. You just can't see it
for the hurly-burly
of the traffic.
But it's right
across the street.
Peg, why don't
you do the talking?
They speak your language.
They're like your relatives.
Look, gentlemen.
There is a cool 25
cents in it for you
if you can haul
our car to a station.
Well... normally
it would be $400.
But we'll do it for 200
if you let us take
our picture with you,
leopard woman.
Oh, Al.
The rubes think I'm sexy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I would too, Peg,
if I drank whiskey
for breakfast.
How much money we got?
Cash or in the bank?
Either.
Including the traveler's checks?
Yes.
Five dollars.
Five dollars?
Where'd the rest of my money go?
Well... I guess one of
us shouldn't have stopped
at Oklahoma Nude.
Oh, pardon me
for seeing America.
Well, I guess the only
thing left for us to do
is to wire Marcie and tell her
we need some more money.
She may not take too
kindly to that though,
since we borrowed
her tires late last night
while she was sleeping.
Just tell her the kids
are sick and near death.
Come on.
Daddy, we are dying of thirst.
Buy some pop.
All right.
Look at this. A nickel.
How do these rubes
make any money?
Let's see.
I don't see any bottle opener.
You will, when we see $5.
Five dollars for
a bottle opener?
You people are crooks.
Yep.
But we ain't thirsty.
Aw, here you go.
Aw, kids, this was a...
A good idea.
God, it's hot.
Mm-hm.
Ah!
Oh, that's good.
Ah.
Well, Marcie's money ought
to be here any minute now.
Oh. Let me get these shoes off.
Get these dogs out.
Thank you.
Uh...
Have you considered
our proposal?
I couldn't possibly
marry you all.
We didn't say marry.
You wouldn't survive one night.
Guess not.
Hey. Nice catch
there, Young Zeke.
Yep. But he killed
his better with his feet.
Well, uh...
What do you do around
here for fun, ZZ Tops?
All right, Kelly. Kelly.
Hold it... Hold it there.
All right.
All right, partners,
you wanna see more,
put another nickel in.
Can we have the little boy
stand on his head some more?
I can't get enough of that.
Well, the boy's a
little dizzy, so, uh...
I'm gonna have to
up the price to a dime.
Well...
Bud, go ahead.
That was only worth a nickel.
But you have the girl there
shake her behind again,
and we'll call it even.
Kelly.
Daddy, I have heat probation.
When is Marcie gonna
wire us the money?
It's been seven hours.
Howdy, Zeke.
Hi.
Well, just made the last trip
I'm ever gonna
take to that mine.
Got plenty of money.
All I needs now is a car
to get me to the big city.
Hey, $6 million enough
for a good city woman?
Barely.
Ow, I... I...
I got a rock in my shoe.
Damn nuggets are everywhere.
Hey, that looks like real gold.
Watch it, now!
Anybody here want
to take this here mine
off my hands?
How about you, Young Zeke?
Not me.
Accountant says I got to
curtail my spending this quarter.
How about you, Zeke?
Not me.
Bad back.
Can't bend over and
pick up gold anymore.
That's why I got this
here bottle opener.
Besides, I ain't got
a car to trade you.
Daddy, we have a car.
Shh! Don't look too anxious.
Dad, Dad, what if it's a scam?
Only one way to find out.
Gold!
Listen, mister...
all I got is the car, the kids
and the wife on my back.
Please, what do you
say? You wanna sell?
Well, I don't know.
You look like a nice fella.
Gold would just ruin your life.
And you've already got it all.
A wife, kids...
Must have more than this.
Besides, you don't know
what gold does to a man's soul.
It... I-it turns
families into mobs.
I-It brings hatred and violence.
Turns brother against
sister, and husband agin wife.
So i-it'd be just
like my life now,
except I'd have
gold in both fists,
and I'd be saying,
"Yippee, yippee."
Well. All right.
Like my daddy used to say,
"You can lead a horse to water,
but you know he'll make a mess."
What does that mean?
It means...
a horse is a horse,
of course, of course,
but no one should drink
with a horse, of course.
Well, a couple of years
in them mountains,
you'll be laughing your
tuckuses off at that one.
Uh, Kelly, give the nice man
Daddy's car keys.
It's the Dodge parked out back
with "producer"
on the license plate,
and an odometer that
reads 7 million miles.
Dodge is a damn fine car.
Ran over my wife with a Dodge.
Well, I could always
buy a new Dodge for that.
Come on, kids,
let's pick some gold!
Yes!
No, wait. Wait!
Wait, son!
You need mules and... And
picks. And guns for bandits.
And a horse, of
course, of course.
You don't see the humor, son?
Well, you're gonna
need supplies,
and it's gonna take money.
Uh-oh. It's Marcy
getting out of her cab.
Uh... Kids, cripple up.
Al, die.
Oh, Peg. Peggy, we
came as fast as we could.
Are the children all right?
Gee, I... I thought you
were gonna wire the money.
Well, we decided we should
come in case you needed help.
Yeah, but you did bring
the money, didn't you?
Yes, yes, it's right here.
Oh, my God.
Poor Al.
Look, he's
decomposing already...
Gimme that!
He's alive! It's a miracle!
No, no. A miracle
would be like...
Like finding a rock
shaped like Ricky Schroder.
You mean to tell me
your kids aren't even hurt?
Uh, well, growing up like this,
you can't exactly
say we're healthy.
Uh, go play with
the Zekes, kids.
How dare you call us
and tell us Al was killed.
The whole neighborhood
was dancing and singing,
♪ Ding-dong The shoeman's dead ♪
It's a cruel hoax, Peggy.
Why would you do such
a thing? Why? Why?
For gold. Heh.
Look, Marcie, a gold nugget.
Oh, don't tell me you
fools have gold fever.
It's the 1990s, for God's sake.
What kind of idiot
still gets gold fever
in this day and age?
Marcie...
It's real gold.
I love it. I kiss it.
Mwah. I worship it.
And if it'll do me the
honor, I'll marry it.
Oh, gold, thou art my master.
Command me!
Well, I guess
it's real, all right.
Where'd you get this?
From the man with the flies.
Yeah. And I got it off him.
You see, we bought the mine,
but we don't have
enough money for supplies.
Huh.
Look, uh...
Let me take care of that. Okay?
Okay.
Whew!
I don't know, old-timer.
You know...
this nugget just doesn't
look like it's worth that much.
It's really worth a whole lot.
So... how many more
are there up there like this?
Well, there's enough to keep you
and your little fella here...
in baseball cards
for the rest of his life.
Get your lice-ridden
hands off me, Festus.
I am his wife.
Oh.
Well, if I'm gonna
go to the big city,
I guess I'd better get liberal.
So, uh, how much you asking for
your prospecting equipment?
Well, $200 and, uh,
the little lady's bracelet.
Oh. That's my mother's bracelet.
It's impossible...
It's done. Done.
All right.
We're rich. Ha-ha.
You're half-rich.
We got the map,
you got the supplies.
That means, uh...
we're partners, huh?
Partners?
Partners.
Partners.
Well, it looks like the
Bundys and the D'Arcys
are off to them thar
hills to search for gold.
Will Al strike it rich
and finally be able to
afford his own bathroom
with toilet paper as
soft as a mother's kiss?
Will Peggy strike it rich
and be able to get her
own platinum credit card,
carried in the loincloth
of a Nubian god?
Will Jefferson dump Marcie
and elope with his nugget?
Will Marcie ever
be able to detach
Young Zeke's hound
dog from her leg?
Will Kelly trade all
her gold nuggets
for a shiny new nickel?
Will Bud steal her nickel?
Will anyone find out Buck
had all his friends over
while he had the
house to himself,
and partied till he puked?
We'll find out next week
on Married With Children.
I know that man has money
hidden here somewhere.
Well, I can't find any,
and I have searched
my eyes to the bone.
Well, I know it's
here somewhere.
Bud, you were
downstairs for two hours.
Didn't you find anything?
Uh... Absolutely nothing.
Hm?
I... I brought these
down with me.
Now, I know he has hidden money.
I got a sign from above.
This morning, the bacon strips
on my Grand Slam breakfast
were in the shape
of dollar signs.
You had a Grand Slam breakfast.
Oh.
Didn't I take you two with me?
Oh, I know.
I just ordered things
I knew you'd like.
Did I have the sausage?
A double order.
Ha.
Okay, kids. Let's
go back to work.
I know he has money
here somewhere.
Now, who wants to check
his underwear drawer?
All right. I'll check
his underwear.
After all, he has only one pair.
Now, Bud, you take the closet.
Appropriate for you, Bud.
And, Kelly, honey, you
take the back seat of the car.
Appropriate for you, Kel.
All right.
Whoa, money!
Hi, Dad.
Save the effort for
the bathroom, Dad.
I saw the money.
Pretty crafty hiding
it in the one place
that even Mom has
always feared to tread.
It's not what you think.
Oh, then, you're not gonna
go somewhere without us?
Well, then, it is
what you think.
But, son...
I'm going to a shoe convention.
I thought after your
failed, beer-induced
"shoe d'état" back in '87,
you were barred from
the conventions for life.
I was.
But Jim Thompson wasn't.
And that's my new name.
Uh, Dad...
Uh... Call me Jim.
Jim, uh...
Surely even a dull
man has asked himself,
"Why would anyone wanna
go to a shoe convention?"
To stay on the cutting edge
of the shoe business, son.
To exchange shoe information.
To find out new shoe technology.
To bounce shoe
groupies on my knee.
And more importantly...
And this is something you
must never, ever tell your mother
this year, it's in L.A.
L.A.?
Home of Hollywood, sunshine,
and huge, man-made hooters?
And... And let's not forget
their world-famous shoe stores.
Oh, and what about
the city's culture?
I've been saving
up all my money.
Oh, look what I already bought.
"Producer."
I'm gonna... I'm gonna put it
on the front of the old
Dodge to trick the chicks.
Now, son.
Remember... you
must not utter a word
to any member of the family.
I swear, Dad.
When do we leave?
We, son? Well...
I seek fun, I go alone.
Now, remember, son,
you're the man of the house now.
And remember...
silence for the
brotherhood of men.
Mom, Dad has money!
He's planning to
spend it without us!
I knew it. I knew it!
The bacon never lies.
Yes. He's going to L.A.
L.A.?
We're going to Long Island?
No, honey.
It's Los Angeles we're going to!
We're going to Los Angeles!
No, you're not. I'm going alone.
Can we drop in on Hef?
No!
Can we go to Garfield's house?
No!
Oh, Al, can I buy a bra at
Frederick's of Hollywood?
Hell, no!
Now, hear me, all of you.
I'm going alone.
You can scream, you can cry.
Peg, you can
threaten me with sex.
You're not going.
I, Jim Thompson, have spoken.
♪ 99 bottles of
beer On the wall ♪
♪ 99 bottles of beer ♪
♪ You take one down
You pass it around ♪
♪ 98 bottles of
beer On the wall ♪
Beautiful country, isn't it?
♪ 98 bottles of beer... ♪
It smells in this car.
That's America
you're smelling, kids.
Just look at its majesty.
♪ Toodle-lumma-lumma
Toodle-lumma-lumma ♪
♪ Toodle-ee-ay ♪
♪ I picked my bananas
All along the way ♪
♪ Singing toodle-lumma-lumma
Toodle-ee-ay ♪
Daddy, are we there yet?
Don't bother your father
while he's driving, Kelly.
Are we, Al?
Al, wake up!
♪ 99 bottles of beer ♪
♪ Pass it along... 98... ♪
Where are we?
Chill in the air, eh, Zeke?
I thought you were Zeke.
Maybe I am.
Go on inside and
sauté us up a varmint.
Hey, look.
There's something
you don't see every day:
people.
Are we alive?
Ah, what do I know?
Last thing I know,
we're on Route 666,
and now we got a
broken axle on our car.
Nice driving, pumpkin.
It was not my fault.
I saw a sign that said "dip,"
so naturally, I
looked at Bud... Oh.
The next thing I knew,
we were airborne.
Look, Al.
Seems like we happened upon
a shoe salesman
convention after all.
All right. All right,
let me handle this.
Uh, excuse me,
Six Tooth... Uh...
You know where I
can get a car fixed?
Gas station, I reckon.
Is there one around here?
Oh, yeah. You just can't see it
for the hurly-burly
of the traffic.
But it's right
across the street.
Peg, why don't
you do the talking?
They speak your language.
They're like your relatives.
Look, gentlemen.
There is a cool 25
cents in it for you
if you can haul
our car to a station.
Well... normally
it would be $400.
But we'll do it for 200
if you let us take
our picture with you,
leopard woman.
Oh, Al.
The rubes think I'm sexy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I would too, Peg,
if I drank whiskey
for breakfast.
How much money we got?
Cash or in the bank?
Either.
Including the traveler's checks?
Yes.
Five dollars.
Five dollars?
Where'd the rest of my money go?
Well... I guess one of
us shouldn't have stopped
at Oklahoma Nude.
Oh, pardon me
for seeing America.
Well, I guess the only
thing left for us to do
is to wire Marcie and tell her
we need some more money.
She may not take too
kindly to that though,
since we borrowed
her tires late last night
while she was sleeping.
Just tell her the kids
are sick and near death.
Come on.
Daddy, we are dying of thirst.
Buy some pop.
All right.
Look at this. A nickel.
How do these rubes
make any money?
Let's see.
I don't see any bottle opener.
You will, when we see $5.
Five dollars for
a bottle opener?
You people are crooks.
Yep.
But we ain't thirsty.
Aw, here you go.
Aw, kids, this was a...
A good idea.
God, it's hot.
Mm-hm.
Ah!
Oh, that's good.
Ah.
Well, Marcie's money ought
to be here any minute now.
Oh. Let me get these shoes off.
Get these dogs out.
Thank you.
Uh...
Have you considered
our proposal?
I couldn't possibly
marry you all.
We didn't say marry.
You wouldn't survive one night.
Guess not.
Hey. Nice catch
there, Young Zeke.
Yep. But he killed
his better with his feet.
Well, uh...
What do you do around
here for fun, ZZ Tops?
All right, Kelly. Kelly.
Hold it... Hold it there.
All right.
All right, partners,
you wanna see more,
put another nickel in.
Can we have the little boy
stand on his head some more?
I can't get enough of that.
Well, the boy's a
little dizzy, so, uh...
I'm gonna have to
up the price to a dime.
Well...
Bud, go ahead.
That was only worth a nickel.
But you have the girl there
shake her behind again,
and we'll call it even.
Kelly.
Daddy, I have heat probation.
When is Marcie gonna
wire us the money?
It's been seven hours.
Howdy, Zeke.
Hi.
Well, just made the last trip
I'm ever gonna
take to that mine.
Got plenty of money.
All I needs now is a car
to get me to the big city.
Hey, $6 million enough
for a good city woman?
Barely.
Ow, I... I...
I got a rock in my shoe.
Damn nuggets are everywhere.
Hey, that looks like real gold.
Watch it, now!
Anybody here want
to take this here mine
off my hands?
How about you, Young Zeke?
Not me.
Accountant says I got to
curtail my spending this quarter.
How about you, Zeke?
Not me.
Bad back.
Can't bend over and
pick up gold anymore.
That's why I got this
here bottle opener.
Besides, I ain't got
a car to trade you.
Daddy, we have a car.
Shh! Don't look too anxious.
Dad, Dad, what if it's a scam?
Only one way to find out.
Gold!
Listen, mister...
all I got is the car, the kids
and the wife on my back.
Please, what do you
say? You wanna sell?
Well, I don't know.
You look like a nice fella.
Gold would just ruin your life.
And you've already got it all.
A wife, kids...
Must have more than this.
Besides, you don't know
what gold does to a man's soul.
It... I-it turns
families into mobs.
I-It brings hatred and violence.
Turns brother against
sister, and husband agin wife.
So i-it'd be just
like my life now,
except I'd have
gold in both fists,
and I'd be saying,
"Yippee, yippee."
Well. All right.
Like my daddy used to say,
"You can lead a horse to water,
but you know he'll make a mess."
What does that mean?
It means...
a horse is a horse,
of course, of course,
but no one should drink
with a horse, of course.
Well, a couple of years
in them mountains,
you'll be laughing your
tuckuses off at that one.
Uh, Kelly, give the nice man
Daddy's car keys.
It's the Dodge parked out back
with "producer"
on the license plate,
and an odometer that
reads 7 million miles.
Dodge is a damn fine car.
Ran over my wife with a Dodge.
Well, I could always
buy a new Dodge for that.
Come on, kids,
let's pick some gold!
Yes!
No, wait. Wait!
Wait, son!
You need mules and... And
picks. And guns for bandits.
And a horse, of
course, of course.
You don't see the humor, son?
Well, you're gonna
need supplies,
and it's gonna take money.
Uh-oh. It's Marcy
getting out of her cab.
Uh... Kids, cripple up.
Al, die.
Oh, Peg. Peggy, we
came as fast as we could.
Are the children all right?
Gee, I... I thought you
were gonna wire the money.
Well, we decided we should
come in case you needed help.
Yeah, but you did bring
the money, didn't you?
Yes, yes, it's right here.
Oh, my God.
Poor Al.
Look, he's
decomposing already...
Gimme that!
He's alive! It's a miracle!
No, no. A miracle
would be like...
Like finding a rock
shaped like Ricky Schroder.
You mean to tell me
your kids aren't even hurt?
Uh, well, growing up like this,
you can't exactly
say we're healthy.
Uh, go play with
the Zekes, kids.
How dare you call us
and tell us Al was killed.
The whole neighborhood
was dancing and singing,
♪ Ding-dong The shoeman's dead ♪
It's a cruel hoax, Peggy.
Why would you do such
a thing? Why? Why?
For gold. Heh.
Look, Marcie, a gold nugget.
Oh, don't tell me you
fools have gold fever.
It's the 1990s, for God's sake.
What kind of idiot
still gets gold fever
in this day and age?
Marcie...
It's real gold.
I love it. I kiss it.
Mwah. I worship it.
And if it'll do me the
honor, I'll marry it.
Oh, gold, thou art my master.
Command me!
Well, I guess
it's real, all right.
Where'd you get this?
From the man with the flies.
Yeah. And I got it off him.
You see, we bought the mine,
but we don't have
enough money for supplies.
Huh.
Look, uh...
Let me take care of that. Okay?
Okay.
Whew!
I don't know, old-timer.
You know...
this nugget just doesn't
look like it's worth that much.
It's really worth a whole lot.
So... how many more
are there up there like this?
Well, there's enough to keep you
and your little fella here...
in baseball cards
for the rest of his life.
Get your lice-ridden
hands off me, Festus.
I am his wife.
Oh.
Well, if I'm gonna
go to the big city,
I guess I'd better get liberal.
So, uh, how much you asking for
your prospecting equipment?
Well, $200 and, uh,
the little lady's bracelet.
Oh. That's my mother's bracelet.
It's impossible...
It's done. Done.
All right.
We're rich. Ha-ha.
You're half-rich.
We got the map,
you got the supplies.
That means, uh...
we're partners, huh?
Partners?
Partners.
Partners.
Well, it looks like the
Bundys and the D'Arcys
are off to them thar
hills to search for gold.
Will Al strike it rich
and finally be able to
afford his own bathroom
with toilet paper as
soft as a mother's kiss?
Will Peggy strike it rich
and be able to get her
own platinum credit card,
carried in the loincloth
of a Nubian god?
Will Jefferson dump Marcie
and elope with his nugget?
Will Marcie ever
be able to detach
Young Zeke's hound
dog from her leg?
Will Kelly trade all
her gold nuggets
for a shiny new nickel?
Will Bud steal her nickel?
Will anyone find out Buck
had all his friends over
while he had the
house to himself,
and partied till he puked?
We'll find out next week
on Married With Children.