Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 2, Episode 22 - All in the Family - full transcript

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like *

* A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute *

* You can't disparage *



* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

* Da da da dum, da da *

* Da da da *

* Mm... *

Peg, you were great
last night.

You did what every man dreams
his wife will do.

You were asleep
before I got home

and you were out of bed
before I woke up.



How can I ever
thank you?

You could stop eating beans
before bed.

Hey, what's all this?

I get breakfast too?

Oh, Peg!

Bring it on.

Ooh, spices too?

Do the kids
know about this?

No.

Good. Bring it on.

Uh, Al, honey...
Yes, sweetheart?

Before I serve you,
I have some great news.

Oprah Winfrey finally exploded?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, no, Al,
but that's so funny.

You're just
the greatest.

Who's coming
to stay with us, Peg?

Uh... Just my mother.

No!

And my uncles
Irwin and Otto.

No, no!

And the Wanker triplets.

No, no, no!

Oh, but Al,
they're my aunts.

They're no trouble.

Peg, God only knows
how old they are

and they sleep in the same bed.

It's amazing,

the triplets sleep in one bed
and your mother sleeps in three.

Well, honey, they'll only stay

for an undetermined
period of time.

Peg, now,
this is the first

three-day weekend
I've had in a year.

It's not like I'm going
to have a good time.

You and the kids
are going to be there.

Not the Wanker wagon
from Milwaukee.

Peg, please, not that.

Hondo is going to be on
this weekend.

Now, that's some
of the duke's best work.

It's never on TV.
I got a blank tape already.

I want to watch Hondo, Peg.

I want a clean tape of Hondo.

No one is going to interrupt you
watching Hondo.

Remember when they were here
last year?

Shane was on.

Just before it came on,

Uncle Otto bet Uncle Irwin

he couldn't stick his head
through the TV.

I didn't see Shane that year,
Peg.

Well, I know, Al,

but you saw the end
from the emergency room.

"Come back, Shane, Shane.
Goodbye, Shane."

That's all I saw, Peg.

I didn't even see the credits

because your mother lumbered
in front of the set.

By the time her entire body
chugged by,

it was morning.

You know,
you should be nice to them, Al.

After all,

they're the only people
in the world

who think what you do
is skilled labor.

Oh, what do you say, Al?
Can my family come for a visit?

Because they're on their way.

Since you went
to all this trouble, why not?

All right, where's breakfast?

Gee, I don't know.
I didn't cook anything.

[CAR ARRIVES,
METAL CLANGING]

Well, that's the sound
of the axle hitting the road.

It means one of two things.

Either everybody in China
just jumped off a chair,

or your family's here.

They brought the horse trailer.
Your mom in there, Peg?

It's the only way
that she can travel, Al.

Otto!

Peggy!

Your home still looks
like a filth hole.

Irwin!

Peg.

You've got a beautiful home.

PEGGY: Aw!

And Milly, Elena, Eadie!

AUNTS: Hi, Peggy.
We're triplets, you know.

You look fabulous.

Oh!

Where's Mom?

Oh, we're going
to have to leave her in the sun

until she heats up
and gets slippery.

That way, we won't have
to damage the truck

getting her out.

Somebody left
the WD-40 at home.

Somebody didn't put it
on the list.

How am I doing?

Oh, I'm pretty good.
Thank you for asking.

Now, listen,

before the festival
of the inbreds starts,

I want everybody to know
that Hondo will be coming on.

During Hondo,

there will be no belly butting,

no spitting for distance,

and no one running around

with underwear
on their heads.

We could've gone
to a hotel.

Hey, look who's here!
Hey!

Uncle Irwin!

Otto.

Uncle Otto.

Oh!

You look great.

And you, my darling...
I could sell you.

Let me tell you
what the going rate is.

As you can see, Bud
hasn't changed a bit.

Same wit, same zit,
same underwear.

Well, now that
we're all together,

how about
a hootenanny?

No. God, no, no!

Wait, wait, wait!
No hootenanny.

See, I forgot to put that
on the list.

* You are my sunshine *
Too late, Al.

* My only sunshine *

* You make me happy *

* When skies are gray *
* When skies are gray *

* You'll never know, dear
How much I love you *

Just the boys!

* Please don't take
My sunshine away *

Just the girls!

* You'll never know, dear
How much I love you *

* Please don't take-- *

Just Al!

* My sunshine away **

Yay!

Just like
the old days.

Before music.

Uncle Irwin,

are you going to put
your head through the TV again?

If you're good.

Can I relax now?

* She's a good-hearted woman *

* In love with
A two-timin' man *

* She loves him
In spite of his ways *

* She don't understand *

* Through teardrops
And laughter *

* They'll dance through
This world hand in hand *

* She's a good-hearted woman-- *

Stop. Stop.

Please stop.

I'm not a Wanker,
and you're killing me.

Peggy, we're famished.

Al, how about
taking us out to eat?

Ah, what the hell.

Kids, you didn't really
want to go to college, did you?

We'd rather eat.

Well, if we're going to go,
we'd better get going,

because once we unload
your mom,

it's harder than hell
to squeeze her back in.

She kicks like a mule.

Uncle Irwin, are you going
to put your head

in the salad bar again?

If you're good.

You know, you're not good enough
for our family.

Yeah, right. I've never been up
on a morals charge.

999...

1000!

He did it!

[CHEERING]

Oh, nice example
for the children, Irwin.

Why don't you show them
how to de-bone a cow

while you're at it?

You've always been jealous
of me.

Oh, yes, I've always secretly
wanted to be a...

Beast of burden.

Oh, now, now.
Let's not spoil our good time.

Now, make up, you two.

Blowfish!

Squid!

Well, that's better.

Hey, Mom, are we going to go
down to the pony rides

to see the look
on the horse's face

when Uncle Irwin
chooses his mount?

No, not today, honey.

Ever since Daddy paid for lunch
with his watch,

he's been sort of a crab apple.

I think
he's mad at us.

Oh, well, don't
take it personally.

Daddy always
takes a noose with him

into the bathroom.

Uh-oh. Daddy's
in the bathroom?

Mom's up there
taking a bath.

Well, maybe
he won't notice.

AL: Aah!

Peg, I'm blind!

Very funny, Al.

No, really, Peg.

I saw your mother naked, and...

And everything went black.

I think my eyes were trying
to protect my heart.

Now I'm not going
to see Hondo, Peg.

Stop being a baby.

It's only hysterical
blindness.

It happened
to her doctor.

It wears off
eventually.

Wait a second.

I think it's starting
to come back to me.

I see shapes.
I see... Straw.

Oh, Kelly.

Al, we have to talk.

Well, I'm broke
and I'm blind, Peg.

What else is there
to talk about?

Well, you haven't been very nice
to my family.

Well, neither is nature.
Go bother it.

Now, Al, you know
I don't ask much of you

because I know
how severely limited you are,

but please do me a favor
and just say something to them.

Yeah. Go home.

Does that take care of it, Peg?

That's a nice start.

Just show them that you care.

Go home
and drive safely.

Ask them how they're doing.
For me, sweetums.

That's all
I have to do, Peg?

That's it.

Otto, Irwin,
how you doing?

We're desolate.

We'll need the triplets.

I'll get them.

I told them to sleep
in Kelly's room.

Her bed is used to having
a lot of people on it.

Well, I guess that means

Irwin and Otto get to sleep
on your bed,

with the rotting rubber sheets.

Al, I want to let you in
on a little family secret.

You're the fourth
triplet?

Well, I know everybody thinks
that the family income

is derived primarily
from the still.

And the home
yogurt business.

Quiet, Mr. Pork-at-the-bottom.

It'll catch on.

Oh, please.

Anyhow, the triplets
add greatly to our income.

Otto, excuse me.

Kelly, go upstairs.

They sing!

They sing at carnivals,
beer fests.

Last month,
they worked regular

and cleared a neat 88.50.

Don't tell the IRS.

Now something's happened
that's threatened the act.

They faced
the audience?

Elena, tell him
what you want to do.

I want to marry.

Somebody outside the family,
right?

Well, in Wanker county,

nobody's really
outside the family.

Um...

Well, how about that boy John
who works at the feed store?

Yeah.

I guess he's family.

Will someone listen to me,
please?

Peg, if Elena gets married,

the triplets
will be torn asunder.

And worse,
if she goes on a honeymoon,

we'll lose 17 gigs.

That's $34 and change.

Interest will wane.

Oh, my God,
the public will forget.

It happens!

Look at Glen Campbell.

Oh, Al, don't let
that happen.

Oh, gee,
it's a little late, Peg.

Glen's career
is what it is.

Al, you're a professional
man, a shoe salesman.

[LAUGHS]

If anybody
can solve this, you can.

Solve what?

Should she marry or not?

Peg, I'm not touching this,

and I mean that
in every sense of the word.

Every time I get involved

in one
of your family's problems,

I always
end up missing a good movie

and get called an idiot.

Well, not this time, Al.
They need you.

Look at their faces.

All right, I'll help,
but I'm not looking at them.

Elena, did you
actually find

someone willing
to marry you?

AUNTS: Yes!

Then you have
my blessing

and he has my pity.

Do it.

God, you're an idiot.

You had to say something,
didn't you, Al?

You couldn't just say,
"I don't know,"

like you do when
I ask you

when you're going
to be done in the bathroom.

Why did we come to you?

They could be up there
crying their six eyes out.

Oh, great. On my bed.

Thank you so much,
Daddy.

That's it.
I'm out of here.

Al, you can't leave
during a family crisis.

It's not a family.
It's a lab experiment.

Where are you going?

[DOOR CLOSES]

I love these
perfect times together.

The wine is chilled,
the candles are lit,

ad we are a kiss away

from magnificent
earth-shattering sex.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ignore it.

Whoever it is
will go away.

[RING]

AL: Okay, you guys,
open up.

I know
you're in there.

This is a test
of wills.

I am not answering the door
to that man.

[RING, RING, RING,
RING, RING]

Oh, man, what a day.

Get me a beer,
will you, Marce?

Al, we're trying to have
a little romantic thing here.

Well, go ahead,
don't worry about me.

Marcy, you got
any tuna fish in there?

Al, I was about
to take her upstairs

and you interrupted.

Then you owe me one.

You got any pretzels?

[SIGH]

You might have been wondering
why my house is tilting.

Peg's relatives are in town,
six of them.

Well, 12, counting her mother.

We're out of pretzels, Al.
How about some lye?

No, thanks.

Nah, I was just getting ready
for a great weekend.

Did you ever just want
to be alone?

You know where I'm coming from.

See, all I want to do

is sit down,
watch Hondo in peace.

Did you ever try
to watch something

and have a bunch of in-laws
drive you crazy?

No, Al. That's
where I'm lucky.

Marcy's family
is just a blessing.

Of course,

her mother does leave little
wadded-up bits of Kleenex around

wherever she goes...

Because of that
one runny eye she has,

but that's not her fault.

What is her fault
is she's too cheap to go

to a doctor
and get it fixed.

No, she comes over here

and complains incessantly
about it...

While we try to eat.

As if looking at it
doesn't tell the whole story.

That's enough, dear.

You know, she'll only eat eggs.

We could have
a turkey dinner set out,

and you know what she does?

She looks at it
with her runny eye

and says, "What? No eggs?"

Everybody hates her.

Honey...

God, she makes
my skin crawl.

Al, do you know
the difference

between Steve's mother
and a bowling ball?

What?

A bowling ball
doesn't have a beard.

It's one hair.

One hair
does not make a beard.

It does
if it's six inches long

and V-shaped.

Well, at least her eye
doesn't run like a toilet.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, relax, guys.
I'll get that.

Well, let's just talk
about your Uncle Mildred.

Can't a man be a florist
and still have some respect?

Al, you got to do something.
The triplets ran away.

Why would all three
of them run away?

Well, actually,
only Elena ran away,

but the other two went
to keep her company.

Oh, you've just got
to find her.

Peg, I'm trying to have
a quiet evening alone

with friends.

Well, at least I have a father.

Oh, yeah,

one who sold secrets
to the enemy

during the war.

That was never proven.

Al, please.

Oh, but Hondo's
coming on.

Well, we'll tape it.
Just hurry.

It's dark out there,

and the triplets
are out there alone.

Oh, all right.

I got to go, guys.

Go on, get back to your romance.

You know why you have
such chicken legs, Marcy?

It's because your mother
eats all those eggs.

I'm desolate.

Aw, don't worry.
Al will find them.

I told him to drive around
and think like triplets.

Now, look.

Let's just do something
to take our minds off of this.

Irwin, why don't you tell us

about your record
for rooster-throwing?

Indoors or outdoors?

You know, Kelly has
some indoor/outdoor records

of her own.

Why, she's so good,
she's about to turn pro.

Bud's so cute,

and to think,
he'll never be bald.

He'll always
have the hair

on the palm
of his hand.

Cats and dogs.
Cats and dogs.

What are you
talking about?

Aw, nothing.
I was just hungry.

Peggy, I'm sorry
this didn't turn out

to be such
a good weekend for you.

Oh, it's not so bad.

I mean, after all,
Al's out of the house,

Mom finally stopped sweating
from traveling,

and Dad is--

Where is Dad?

He wasn't on the list.

Neither was
your enormous rump,

but you
brought that.

Come on. Get in.
Get in there.

Oh, Al. You found them.
Where were they?

Down by the docks.

It was just luck.

We were all trying
to sign up

for the merchant marine.

Did I miss Hondo?

Because that's the only reason
I came home.

It taped!
I get to watch Hondo!

What about
my problem?

Your lives are meaningless
compared to Hondo.

Now, I want silence.

Not a whinny, not a moo,
not a peep.

It's Hondo time.

Welcome
to John Wayne weekend.

We proudly present
his film Hon--

I don't know about this.
Al's going to be mad.

Oh, who cares
about him?

This tape
is for Peggy.

Besides, we'll be
long gone

before he sees it.

Now, don't forget
to hide that tape

so that buffoon
doesn't find it.

That's insulting.What do you
think I'm going to do,

just leave it
in the machine?

BOTH: * You are so beautiful
To me *

You didn't hide it,
did you?

Oh, Al, why don't you do
sweet things like that?

Okay, I'll be the one to say it.
The duke is dead.

Now, let's move on
to the living.

Have you girls
come to your senses yet

about this marriage?

I'm devastated.

This is your fault.

You're the one

that invited her fiance
to the house.

We were gonna roll him.

Look what happened.

And you never even
got his wallet.

Or did you?

That's it! Sit down.

Everybody sit down,
because I'm taking charge now.

Peg, kids, go upstairs,

because I'm solving
everybody's problems now.

Everybody,
move close together...

And say... "Swiss cheese."

Al?

Honey, you're sweating.

And you haven't
answered me yet.

Is it okay if my family
comes for a visit?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, it doesn't
really matter what you say.

Besides,
how bad can it be?

We're here!

[***]