Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 1, Episode 3 - But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy - full transcript

Oh, God, the world
is ugly in the morning.

Oh, Al. It's our anniversary,
and the kids wanted to fix us breakfast.

Yeah, they're great kids.

By the way, happy anniversary.

Did you brush your teeth
this morning?

No. You?

No.

Happy anniversary, honey.

-I could eat a horse.
-Me too. I'm hungry.

I don't smell anything cooking.

I don't see anything cooking.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here...



...nothing's cooking.

I bet they made something
ahead of time...

...and they're hiding.

Ready to surprise us.

-I'm starving. What's for breakfast?
-Kids.

It's our anniversary. I thought you
wanted to get up and fix us breakfast.

Oh, no. Was that today?

I'm sorry.

Happy anniversary.

What's for breakfast?

I'll fix us something.
What would you like?

Well, I'd like some
fried eggs over-easy.

I'd like a couple of pieces
of crisp bacon.

I'd like a glass
of fresh juice, squeezed...



...and I'd like a couple of pieces
of toast with jam.

Where's the Tang?

You are so immature.

Bud, stop playing with your clothes.

Well, anyway,
happy anniversary, dear.

Can you believe it's been 16 years?

Yeah, they just flew by.

Let's see, now, which one is the 16th?

I know the 10th is tin.

The 15th is crystal.

What's the next one?

Brimstone.

Gonna get me a tie again?

Yeah.

-Getting me shoes?
-Yeah.

From your store?

Yup.

Why don't we just forget
about presents this year.

Fine with me.

I mean, after all, anniversaries
are about being together.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll come home tonight.
How's that?

Yeah, I'll be here,
you'll be here...

...the TV will be here.

Let's not make a big deal
about it this year, all right?

We don't need a bunch of silly presents
to show we love each other.

I know that I love you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I said that I love you.

I said, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I gotta get ready for work.

Listen, since you're not
gonna get me a present...

...do you think you could
take my car and have a radio installed?

Peg, I don't have the time.

But I'm out all day long,
you know, running errands.

What am I supposed to listen to?

Your own beautiful voice.

If God didn't want
other people to hear it...

...he wouldn't
have made it so shrill.

-I'm going to take a shower.
-Yeah, I gotta do the laundry.

When you do laundry,
you use the hot water.

If God wanted you
to have hot water...

...he wouldn't have
given me laundry.

Dad, are you really not
gonna get Mom a present?

Bad move.

No matter what she says,
if you don't get a present...

...you're gonna break her heart.

Yeah. Then she'll take it out on us.

Dad, even Meg's father got
her mom an anniversary present...

...and he shot at her.

This is a secret.
And I mean a secret.

I am getting
your mom a present.

One of those expensive watches
she's always harping about.

Oh, Dad, that's great. She'll love it.
You're the greatest.

Yeah, but listen, don't say a word
to your mother.

I want this to be a surprise.
You understand? Not a word.

Right, Dad.

Oh, Mom, guess what.
Dad's getting you a great watch.

That is supposed
to be a surprise, butthead.

It's one of those expensive ones
that you're always harping about.

What a sweet man.

Yeah, that sweet man
would get me a great gift...

...and I'll be sitting there like
a jerk with nothing for him.

Well, I'm gonna go out
and get him something.

What is it he's really wanting?

That blond down the street.

Did he tell you that?

No. I just assumed it
by the way he bites his fist...

...whenever he drives by her house.

He's just kidding when he does that.
Excuse me. One second.

I'm just kidding when I do that.

You kids go ahead
and get ready for school.

Sorry, Al.
I had a huge load of laundry.

-Happy anniversary!
-Happy anniversary!

How thoughtful!

Look, we even put your name
on the label.

Oh, that's too bad.

It would've been nice gift
for us to give somebody...

...but thanks anyway.

So...

...I guess you guys have
a big evening planned.

Oh, pretty much.

I'll fix dinner.
We'll exchange presents.

Then he'll watch midget wrestling.

What time does it come on?

Steve. We hate wrestling.

I know. I just want to know
how late midgets got to stay up.

Now, Peggy...

...this is a special night for you.

And you shouldn't spend it cooking.

Listen. I know a great caterer.

-Let them do the work.
-A caterer?

Yeah. We use them
for all our anniversaries.

The first day we met.

First day we kissed.

The first day we went out.

The first day we stayed in.

-The first day you brought me flowers.
-First day you talked dirty to me.

-I love you, Steve.
-I love you too, Marcy.

Do they make veal?

-Here we are, sir.
-I think my wife would like that.

I think she will too.
It's a very nice frame--

I'm Al Bundy. I called
about that expensive watch.

Yes. Here you are, sir.

-It's my last one.
-Well, wrap it up...

...and leave the price tag on.

Well, yes, sir. Yes.

Now, will that be
cash or charge?

Charge, and....

Don't get cute with my carbons.

-Wait a second. I was here first.
-Yeah, yeah. So were the Indians.

See, I'm in sales myself.
I know how these guys think.

They see me,
they see a big commission.

They see you, they see me.

Well, if you're in sales
you should know...

...each customer counts
as much as the next.

That's why he let me butt right in front
of you like you were never born.

What's that?

It's an anniversary present
for my wife.

-You gonna get that?
-Yeah.

-How many years you been married?
-One.

Well, see, that explains it.

See, you're obviously new
to the married game.

Let me help you out.

See, the first thing I learned
on my 16-year tour of duty...

...was that women live for presents.

Now, you take the most ornery
woman in the world.

We'll call her Peggy.

You bring a crappy present home,
like that picture frame...

...and your life will be a living hell.

Well, my wife and I agreed...

...that we wouldn't spend too much
on our anniversary.

We decided we'd save our money
for more important things.

There is no more important thing
than your anniversary.

See, an anniversary
is something special.

It's not like other holidays
when other people are celebrating too.

It's just between the two of you.

See, it's a day when you can show
how you feel the rest of the year...

...but you don't,
because you're a man.

That's beautiful.

To know me is to love me.

Here comes how I feel right now.

-Sir, your card's been rejected.
-Why?

-I don't care. Next.
-Wait a second. It's my anniversary.

Happy anniversary. Next.

I'll take the watch.

Wow, I wish I could make
stuff like that.

Maybe you can.
Would like to be a chef?

No, I'd rather be a man.

Don't touch my rosin.

Don't ever touch my rosin.

Sorry.

Gee, you're kind of touchy.

Kind of like a clown at a birthday party.

Yeah? You ever see a clown do this?

BoBo!

Shut up. I'm not doing that anymore.

Peggy.

What a beautiful dress.

Thanks. I bought it this afternoon.

I didn't really like it, but I didn't feel
like changing back into what I had on.

We were just admiring
your wedding album.

We videotaped our wedding.

Of course, Polaroids are nice too.

-That's Daddy's car.
-Okay, that's my watch.

Everyone hide, quick.

Come on, in there. Go on, go on.

Happy anniversary, honey!

See what Steve and Marcy sent us?

Yeah, gee, that's great.

As long as I don't have to put up
with them in person.

Surprise!

Happy anniversary!

Peg, I thought we said no big deal.

Oh, it's no big deal.

Just us and a few
of our closest friends.

And a violinist.

And a few others.
Time for presents.

Peg, I thought we said no presents.

Well, I know, but it's our anniversary.

And I couldn't resist.

You didn't tell your mom I was
gonna get her a present, did you?

It was Kelly, Dad.

I know she's your daughter...

...but I think she's got to go.

Okay, Mom and Dad,
open mine first.

You brought me a present too?

Sure. I wasn't gonna be the only
one here without a present.

A picture frame.

-Do you know how much it cost?
-Yes, I do.

The perfect anniversary gift.

-Mine next.
-Oh, Bud. Let's see.

A diary.

Yeah. It's Kelly's.

I heard you say you'd give anything
to take a look at it.

You little wad! You thief!

You little Nazi fascist psychopath!

Mom, can I have that back, please?

Of course, dear.
They're your private moments...

...and Bud had no right to take it.

It was a nice thought,
though, Bud.

You open wound.

Here, we got you two
one of our favorite books.

My Partner, My Wife, My Life.

My God.

Well, that's all for the presents.

Thank you very much.
Good night, and drive safely.

No. It's my turn.

Peg, were you here this morning
when we said no presents?

Oh, Al.

Here!

The power tools I've been wanting.

Boy, it's gonna be tough to top this.

So why try?

Good night, everybody!

We all know what it's time for now.

Yeah, come on, Dad.
Whip out that watch.

The door!

Luke, you're here.

Look, it's Luke,
and he doesn't have a present...

...but we're not gonna hold
it against him, are we?

Hey, I'd have to be
a pretty big piece of scum...

...not to bring a present.

Luke, you didn't have
to bring a present.

Yes, I did, Al.
Peg hates me.

Thank you, Luke.

Hey, Al, your daughter's
really blossomed.

-Where's the eats?
-Not now, Luke.

We still have one more thing
we have to do.

Yeah, Dad.
Get Mom's present.

Right. Right.

It's out in the car.
I'll go get it.

Happy anniversary!

A can of motor oil.

Forty-weight...

...and a road flare.

Bless our happy home.

You didn't get her anything?

I tried to get her a watch, but....

Who is this guy?

That's BoBo.

Peg, I tried to get you the watch.

There was some mix-up
with the credit card.

I'll fix it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is not our anniversary.

You're taking this well.

Well, gifts aren't really important,
are they?

The important thing is that
you've been together all these years.

Isn't that what anniversaries
are all about?

Steve, you would never show up
without a present for our anniversary...

-...would you?
-Of course not. I care about you.

Dinner is served!

Maybe we ought to be getting on home.

Oh, no, you don't.
I paid for this dinner...

...and I'm going to enjoy it.
Now sit down.

Nice going, Dad.

Yeah, Dad. Nice.

You know, Peg,
I really tried--

I don't want to hear any more about it.

Caviar, anyone?

Bud, Kelly, Steve?

Marcy?

Luke?

You know, Peg, I tried
to get you the watch.

-It's not my fault.
-It's never your fault.

There's gotta be a reason.
I paid the bill.

You were here.
I sent the check a couple weeks ago.

Give it up, Al.
There's nothing wrong with the card.

I used it to pay
for this dinner today.

Including this caviar,
which you now have your elbow in.

Well, there's gotta be some reason.

I've got one: You're cheap.

Yeah, but not today.

I mean, didn't the guy give you
a hard time about the card?

-No, Al. Not at all.
-Me neither, Daddy.

You paid with the credit card too?

Of course, I wasn't going to spend
my allowance.

And, Peg, sweetie...

...those power tools
that cost a pretty penny...

...was that pretty penny plastic, Peg?

-Of course it was, Al.
-I see.

So I guess the dinner
and the presents....

Old Mr. Skinflint here kind of
paid for everything, didn't he?

In fact, the only thing
I didn't pay for...

...was my present to you,
and you wanna know why?

Because maybe you stuffed
the credit card so much...

...that when I tried to use it,
it threw up.

No, no, no.

Eat. Enjoy. Relax.

I'd like to thank everybody for their
understanding in my hour of need.

I'm going to take my tools,
which I paid for...

...and celebrate in the garage,
which I'm still paying for.

Would you pass the veal?

You know, Peggy...

...as a woman...

...I never thought I would say
this to another woman...

...but you're totally wrong.

I know.

Aren't you going to apologize?

Well, sure, but not right now.

He won't be expecting me yet.

See, this is where he likes me to sit
and stew in my own juices.

Could you pass the sauce?

But you are going to tell him
you're sorry, aren't you?

No.

You know, that's the really
nice thing about Al.

Whenever we have
a major argument...

...he never makes me apologize.

He always cuts me off
right before I have to say the S-word.

It's sort of a shorthand.

It comes with 16 years of marriage.

Honey, I hope that we grow so close
that I never have to apologize to you.

-Steve, you're interrupting.
-I'm sorry.

And another thing,
where did you get that dress?

I've had this for years.

You never notice what I wear.

What are you doing out here?

You know.

Look, I didn't realize
that I put you over your credit limit.

It's just one of those things that
happen when you charge too much.

And?

And after all, it's your money.

And?

And I don't work.

Feel free to cut me off here
any time you'd like, huh?

Not this time,
because I didn't do anything.

And I want to hear you say it.

What, Al?

It.

Come on, Al.
We both know I am.

Am what, Peg?

It.

Very it.

You're really serious.

Yep.

See, I thought I finally
saved up enough money...

...to get you a nice present
that you deserve.

It felt bad walking
in the house without it...

...but it was worse thinking
you didn't think I tried.

Yeah. You're right.

You always do try to do
something nice for our anniversary.

And even if you hadn't tried
to buy me that watch...

...if the 16 years we've been together
isn't enough to say "I love you"...

...well, what good would
a stupid watch do?

Oh, Al.

I really--

We're supposed to get some rain.

Would you like me to make you
some soup for your lunch tomorrow?

No, that's okay.
Last time, I cut my hand on the can.

You know, I really did feel bad
about not getting you a present, so I....

I thought of a present I could get you
you didn't have to put on a credit card.

No, not that.

No, because after all,
I wasn't wrong in this.

Anyway, there it is.

Oh, gee, you tore up my dashboard.
Thanks.

Yeah, but look where
the dashboard used to be.

Oh, a radio!

Yeah, I took it out of my car
and I put it in yours.

Happy anniversary.

That's so sweet.

I fixed the bass control
so it doesn't vibrate your tush.

Actually, I kind of like that.

Oh, Al, I can't tell you
how much this means to me.

What's that thing
on the front seat?

Oh, that's your air conditioner.

Hey, listen, you know,
we haven't been alone all day.

You wanna sit out here and listen
to the oldies station?

Yeah, sure.

-Our song!
-Our song!