Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 1, Episode 2 - Thinnergy - full transcript

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like *

* A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute *

* You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *



* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

Excuse me, Mr. Bosley.
Isn't this demeaning?

Demeaning?
Demeaning, Patsy?

Is it demeaning for a woman
to serve a man?

What do you
think, girls?

No.
No.

Now, everybody,
let's get started.

What you watching?

Patsy: Portrait of a Stewardess
in Training.

Mr. Bosley!



And I thought that was
a flotation device.

Oh, Al. Why do you
watch these things?

It's educational, Peg.

I mean, we all fly,
but do any of us really know

what these young
ladies go through

to become stewardesses?

Ooh.

Their dresses
are awfully short.

Would you like me
to get one of those?

Why?

Get that, hon.

I'd be honored, Al.

Shh!

I hope we're
not interrupting.

Oh, no. Come on in.

I was just making coffee.

Al's watching Gullible Girls
Week on Channel 3.

Al, we have company.

It's Steve
and Marcie.

If a maniac broke in this house
right now and shot me dead,

Al wouldn't even know.

I'd know.

I can't believe
you let your husband watch

this mindless
exploitation of women.

It's not mindless.

Come on, Marcie.
You want coffee and cake?

Sure.

Good.
Did you bring cake?

No.

Well, we'll use ours.

Hey, Al,
doesn't it bother you

to watch this kind of smut
in front of your wife?

Yeah.

You know what
we learned last Tuesday

in Marcie's
women's club meeting?

I don't care.

You can't
honestly tell me

you don't
enjoy watching this.

I mean,
look at that leg

draped over that
flotation device.

You don't find
that pleasurable?

I used to love smut.

Oh, wait a second, Al.
We went through this before.

You got me
in a lot of trouble.

Damn it, Steve,
we're men.

It's our
God given right

to watch
sports and smut.

Since when do we have
to apologize for that?

I think since the '70s.

Cake?

No, thanks.

Doesn't it bother you that
he watches things like that?

Not really.

I couldn't stand it.

Men shouldn't look at women
like pieces of meat.

Well, what actually
bothers me

is that he doesn't
look at me

like a piece
of meat anymore.

He used to,
but it's been 16 years,

and I guess it's hard
to stay interested.

That's ridiculous.

If they can follow the same
sports team all their lives,

they can stay interested
in the same woman.

In our women's group,

we have a couple
married 47 years.

They still fool around
four times a week.

A week?

Al doesn't even brush his teeth
four times a week.

You know, maybe Al just doesn't
find me attractive anymore.

What would you say
if I told you

I had the answer
to all your problems?

I don't know.

I bought one of those,
and it's just not the same.

Not that.

I've been
reading this book,

Thinnergy For Thinness
And Energy.

A diet?

Oh, it's more
than just a diet.

It's a way of life.

Certain foods
add to your energy,

while other bad foods
can actually drain your energy.

This book helps you
eliminate the bad foods.

You wake up
with energy.

You go to bed
with energy.

What foods
drain your energy?

Hey, Peg, we got
any more chips?

Potato chips
are draining.

No, Al.

You really ought
to give it a try.

You'll radiate an aura
of energy and sexuality

that even Al
can't resist.

I can only tell you
it worked for me.

How well did it
work for you?

Every 36 hours.

Whoo!

There he is.

My little
Mount St. Helens.

Steve...
Hm?

I think we should
go home now

and go to bed.

I don't know.

I don't really
feel like it.

Come on, Steve.
Let's go.

Well, if you're gonna
go to bed,

I think I'll stay up
and watch some PBS.

Al, what channel does PBS
come on in this neighborhood?

Thank you.

Did you talk
any sense into Al?

I don't
think so, Patsy.

Isn't this over yet?

Almost. They're
cramming for finals.

Al, don't you think those girls
are a little skinny?

You know, shouldn't a woman
have some meat on her bones?

You have to have something
to grab onto.

I don't know, Peg. A lot of guys
have been grabbing that one,

and nobody's missed yet.

* I'm in the mood for... *

* Love *

* Bum, ba, da, dum
Da, da, da *

* Hmm
Ba, da, da... *

Al! Al, are you
coming up?

In a minute.

Okay.

* Bum, ba, da, dum *

Ew.

Al!

In a minute!

* In a minute
Just a minute **

Bud, this could be

the end of life
as we know it.

Oh, don't worry
about it, Kel.

If you think Dad's gonna
put up with this diet,

they should've held you back
another grade.

Oh, that's him.

Oh, wow! His sweat stains
are giant,

and he hasn't even
said hi to Mom yet.

This is gonna
be great.

Hi, Dad. Hungry?

Starving. I didn't
have time for lunch,

got caught
in a traffic jam,

and had to sit for 10 minutes
staring at a billboard

of the best looking burger
on the rope I've ever seen.

Let's eat.

Hi, hon.

Hi, Al. I made
something different.

I don't care.

Just slide it in front of me,
and plenty of it.

Okay. Here it comes.

I'll just skip
the salad.

Let's just eat, okay?

That's dinner, Al.

You've got
your riboflavin,

folacin, iron and magnesium,
all right there.

Come on, Peg.
Where's my food?

That's it, Al.

You finish that,

and you can have a granola bar
for dessert.

Ooh, beats the heck out of the
pie we usually have, huh, Dad?

Okay, Peg.
What did I do?

Nothing.
It's good food.

It's going to make us
much healthier

and much more energetic.

Try it.

Sure.

Gee, you know,
you're right.

I doubted you,

but I feel
a burst of energy coming.

Here it comes now.

Here comes another wave.

What are you doing to me?
I work. I want food.

You know what food is?

It's hot stuff
you put in your mouth.

It smells good, you swallow it,
and you want more.

That's what food is.

Al, the children are here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Now, I'm gonna watch the news.

And when it's over,

I want some form
of dead animal on my plate.

And the melted cheese
marries itself

to the juices
of this succulent steak.

And I want
that dead animal

to be succulent, Peg.

We have nothing succulent, Al.
I threw it all out.

You threw away my food?

That I love, that I pay for?

Kids, I think you ought
to go upstairs for a while.

Mom, we would, but we
don't have the energy.

Get upstairs!

You were saying
that you threw out my food?

Excuse me for trying to improve
the quality of our lives.

You're excused.
Now, give me meat.

Al, I am going on this diet.

If you don't want to,
you don't have to.

I don't want to.
You're going on this diet.

No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.

Oh, no, I'm not.
Oh, yes, you are.

I can't believe it.

This is all
just happening

because Mom
wants affection.

Then why doesn't she just go
to the mall, like you?

You know...

this carrot is delicious.

Did you know that carrots
have a natural sweetness?

It's much better
than what you're eating.

And this water here?

It comes
from a natural spring.

It is the perfect
complement

to the natural sweetness
of this carrot.

I guess that's why
I feel so good.

What do you kids
want for supper?

Pizza.

With meatballs.

I'm having grapefruit.

With water.

Natural spring water.

Get out.

Hey, Luke.

Hey, Al.

Hey, Al, let me
ask you a question.

If you came home at night

and found your wife
in bed with another guy,

would you get mad?

I'd kill him.

Oh...

So I guess this guy
didn't overreact.

You look a little
peaked, Al, babe.

All-night romp
with the little lady?

More or less.

She's been yelling at me
since 1:00 this morning.

Yeah, she's on
some stupid diet.

I guess
it makes them moody.

Well, I can't
sympathize.

There's a shock.

See, I can eat whatever I want
and never gain a pound.

My body's great.
I can abuse it

and it keeps
coming back for more.

Hey, you know what else
is great about me?

Shut up.

Can someone
help me, please?

Yes, miss.

The modeling agency's
a few doors down.

Oh, no,
I'm not a model.

I just need shoes.

Ho, ho. My mistake.

Let me help you.

Sit right here.

Al! Al! Hi, uh...

Listen,
I haven't got much time.

I'm on my break.

Do you remember that movie we
were watching the other night?

Patsy: Portrait
of a Stewardess in Training.

Thank you.
Wait a second.

I got to ask you
a question.

Look, I've only got
five more minutes on my break.

I gotta get
to the tape store.

This'll only
take a second.

Your wife
gave my wife a book.

Now my life is hell.

A-ha. Thinnergy.

Yeah, that's the one.
Does Marcie hate me that much?

Well, yes, Al, she does,

but that's not why
she gave Peggy the book.

It was to help you guys.

And you are looking thinner.

I'm not on
the stupid diet.

Ooh, Al, you have to.

She can't go
through this alone.

She needs support.
Your support, big guy.

If you were to try this diet
for even one week,

you would show her
that you care.

Then if you were both on it,

you could go
off it together.

Together is the key word, Al.

So all I gotta do is starve
and be miserable for a week,

then my life will go back to
the normal hell it always was?

I firmly believe that, Al.

See, today's
woman is strong,

but now and then, even she
needs a little assurance.

Hey, guys,
come here a second.

Sandy's on her way
to a job interview.

She's a little
self-conscious.

Can you tell
she's not wearing a bra?

No, I can't tell.
No.

I can't believe he's been
on this diet two days.

Yep. Two days, 10 fights,

and they haven't even
got to radish day yet.

I really hate
to see them like this.

Then why don't you try
and talk some sense into them.

They'll listen to you.

Yeah.

That's worth a try.

Mom, Dad-

You're grounded.

Well, I'm going out now.
See you, Kel.

I'm hungry too,

but you don't see me
biting anyone's head off!

More kale, dear?

Did I ask
for more kale?

More broccoli?

Did I ask
for more broccoli?

You know, Al,
the book says

we're gonna go through
grouchy periods

as the toxins
leave our bodies.

Yours, of course,
has a longer trip than mine.

But anyway,
the book says

that when we feel
an argument coming on,

we are supposed to stop
and share a nice memory.

Hey...

Remember that time
when we were dating,

and we
took that walk

on Oak Street Beach
at sunset?

The wind was blowing
through your hair,

and you got cold,

so I gave you back
your jacket.

And we fed
the pigeons...

and held hands.

We watched
the moon come up.

Oh, yeah.

More kale, dear?

You wanna watch Carson?

It's a special show.

It's a repeat of his salute
to Charles Nelson Reilly.

Al, did I
ever tell you

the sound of your voice
irritates the hell out of me?

No, honey, you didn't.

In that case, there's only
one thing I'll have to do.

I'll just have
to shut up.

Yep, I'll just
have to be quiet,

because if there's one thing
I don't want to do,

it's irritate you.

Not my little Peggy.

Because
if she's irritated,

then I'm irritated,

and if she's unhappy,
then I'm unhappy.

Al, sweetie,
what's that song you hate?

Don't do it, Peg.

* See the tree
How big it's grown *

No, Peg, please.

* Friend,
It hasn't been too long *

* It wasn't big *
All right.

* I laughed at her
And she got mad *

* The first day
That she planted it *

* It was just a twig *

* And honey- *

Ugh.

* And honey
I miss you *

* And I'm being good *

* And I'd love
To be with you *

* If only I could **

* I am woman
Hear me roar *

* In numbers
Too big to ignore *

* And I've gone
much too far- **

All right! You win!

It's a low blow,
but you win.

* Dominique, nique, nique *

* Over land
She walks along **

Peg! You won.

There's no need
to spike the ball.

You've been acting
very snippy lately.

Have I?

Yep, and I think
I know what you need.

Oh, really?
Uh-huh.

Something that always
makes you feel better.

Why don't you make
yourself comfortable?

Right here.

That's right.

Lie down.

I'll be right back.

Don't go away.

* In a minute *

* Just a min- **

Close your eyes,
honey.

Eat it!

Eat it all!

Eat it!

Oh, Al,
that's disgusting.

Mmm.

Al, this is not
what I wanted.

You ruined everything.

What do you mean,
ruined everything?

Our lives
are already ruined.

Give me some of that.

Get your own.

Peg, I don't know why
you went on a diet anyway.

You don't need
to lose any weight.

I had to do something.

You don't find me
attractive anymore.

So?

So? So you don't find me
attractive anymore?

Oh, gee, Peg,
of course I do.

I think you're
great-looking.

Then why haven't we,
uh...you know?

It's been
a long time, Al.

Aw, honey.
That again.

Come here a second,
will you?

Let me
tell you something.

Now, just because I don't
go to bed with you

doesn't mean
I don't love you.

I mean, let's face it,

even if you were beautiful
like that girl on TV,

I'd still ignore you...

because you're my wife.

Don't stiffen on me, Peg.

Let me tell you
what I mean.

You remember
that baseball glove

my dad gave me
when I was a little kid?

I loved that glove.

Yeah, it's old,
and the web's loose,

but it's special to me.

That's how I feel
about you, Peg.

I may not tell you
all the time,

but I love you.

I wouldn't do anything
to change you.

I think you're great
just the way you are.

So is my glove.

I'll have to take it out more
and play catch with Bud.

Oh, I like that.
Oh, that feels good.

Hey, remember the American
League play-offs last year?

You know, a lot of fly balls
were popping out of gloves

for home runs.

I think it's because
the modern gloves are too big.

That never would have
happened to Willie Mays.

Know why?

Willie had a small glove.

Just like mine.