Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
The Bundy family which makes up of chauvinist shoe salesman Al, his lazy housewife Peggy, their dumb 15-year-old daughter Kelly, and their bratty 12-year-old con artist son Bud, have settled into a peaceful co-existence in suburban Chicago, married only by the vicious verbal volleys they exchange to each other while awake. Peggy invites their new neighbors, newlyweds Steve and Marcy Rhoades, over for the evening, so she forbids Al from going out to a basketball game with his single co-worker Luke, from the shoe store.
Let go of my hair,
you little psychopath!
Die, commie bimbo.
Now, Bud, I thought
we talked about this before.
-What's that, Mom?
-You know...
...sneaking up behind your sister,
pulling her hair, pretending to kill her.
Remember the effect
it had on Grandma?
Nobody likes it, nobody thinks
it's funny. So cut it out, okay?
-Sure, Mom.
-Now, go to school.
-I hate you.
-Good.
Hey, hon.
-Anything going on?
-Nope.
Sweetie....
Is this your little cactus?
Any particular reason you put it
where the alarm clock used to be?
I thought it would dress up
the room a little bit.
Oh, gee, I meant to tell you
to be careful...
...before you slammed your hand
on the alarm this morning.
-Well, you didn't.
-I'm sorry.
That's okay, I stopped
the bleeding with your slip.
-Where are the kids?
-Oh, they've left.
Oh, by the way, Bud has
show-and-tell at school today.
The subject is
"What Does Daddy Do?"
So when you come home tonight,
if there's a can of beer missing...
...and you can't find the remote control,
that's where they are.
I hope he brings that stuff back tonight.
The Bulls are playing on TV.
Oh, my God, you're kidding.
It's not as exciting as your
Cooking with Clyde the Cajun show...
...but at least it gives me
a reason to come home.
Al, do you have to leave
the refrigerator door open?
-I'm getting a draft.
-I'm sorry.
Maybe I should look
for some food in the dishwasher.
We have no juice.
I didn't buy any.
I didn't have time.
That happens. I understand.
You don't have a job
or anything, do you?
Well, I do sandpaper the stains
out of your shirts...
...and battle your socks and underwear
into the washing machine...
...but I guess that is more
of an adventure than a job.
What's that got to do with juice?
Al, there's a store on your
way home from work.
I'm sorry. Why didn't I think of that?
Sure. I don't mind
doing the shopping too.
Anything else I can do
to make your life easier?
You could shave your back.
Hey, that hair is there for a reason.
It keeps you off of me at night.
Al, let's not start.
-We were having such a nice morning.
-Yeah, I'm sorry. You're right.
It's just, I got a hard day
ahead of me...
...and nothing to eat
to get me going.
I'm sorry, honey.
I know, it's my fault.
But tonight, I promise,
there will be food in the house.
-And juice.
-Right.
Those kids. I hate wasting food.
Yes, my little baby.
Have a nice day, honey.
There'd better be juice
when I get home.
I don't care what
your little ruler says.
I've been a 7 since I graduated
from high school.
Well, these are 7s.
The box says 9 because, well--
Look, lady, you're a 9.
I can accept it, why can't you?
-You're very fresh!
-No, ma'am, that's impossible.
For the last hour, I've been trying
to squeeze your foot into a shoe...
...when I really should have been
easing them into the box.
So, no, I'd say I'm anything but fresh.
By the way...
...you wanna tell John Henry over there
to give the $100 pumps a rest?
Your ad says "Courteous service."
That's not my ad, ma'am.
That's the former owner's.
He was killed, tragically,
on this very spot...
...when a size 9 exploded in his face.
Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
-I want a balloon.
-You've already got one.
Hey, Al. You mind if I go to lunch?
-You just came from lunch.
-Yeah, technically.
But biologically, I was
in bed with some broad.
Luke, how can you be happy
sleeping with every woman you meet?
I don't know, but I am.
As your friend,
I can't wait till you get married.
Yeah. A wife and kids who adore you.
A wife....
Kids....
The list goes on and on.
It's just seeing their faces light up
in the morning when they see you.
They can't do enough for you.
It's heaven on earth.
No, Al. That is.
Luke Ventura, at your feet.
Do you work here,
or are you just loitering?
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am. Can I help you?
I'd like to see some shoes, please.
Let me guess.
-Size 7s.
-Yes. How did you know?
All women are 7s.
I know you've been told this before...
...but you have the instep
of a movie star.
Really?
Hey, Al. Meet Tawny.
Al's married.
Listen, Al, I forgot to tell you.
I got an extra ticket to the Bulls game
tonight. Court level. Wanna go?
-Hell, yeah.
-Sure your wife will let you?
Let me tell you something:
No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Hey, you. Get my shoes.
Yes, ma'am.
We're here today with our
staff anthropologist, Dr. Jim...
...who discovered a tribe
of women in the Amazon who...
...like the praying mantis, devour
their males after mating season.
-Oh, my God.
-Ladies.
-Hi, honey.
-Hi.
-Working hard?
-Oh, yeah.
You know how I like
to keep the house clean.
Hard day?
-Yeah, you?
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it must have been.
Even the TV's sweating.
Hey, get me some juice, okay?
Oh, that's what I forgot to do.
That's okay. Juice isn't important.
I know you've been busy
around the house all day...
...so don't bother
making me dinner tonight.
I got a little surprise for you.
I'm going to the ball game tonight.
Al.
You're not going
to the game tonight.
Sure, I am. See, let me explain
something to you.
I work all day.
And when somebody works all day,
they need to have fun at night.
Now, I don't actually
expect you to understand...
...but trust me,
I'm your husband. I know best.
Well, isn't staying home with me fun?
Don't wait up.
Al, you're not going
to the game tonight.
I see you misunderstood me.
You must have thought I said, "Is it
okay with you if I go to the game?"
You know, like a question.
-There's no question about this.
-No, there isn't.
-You cannot go to the game tonight.
-Why not?
-Because I invited company over.
-Company?
Who the hell would wanna
come over here?
You know that honeymoon couple
that moved next door?
I invited them over.
I thought I told you.
You didn't.
Look, I worked hard all day.
The last thing I wanna do is spend
the evening with people I don't know.
Now, look. They are new
in the neighborhood.
They have lived here for two months
and they have no friends.
We have lived here for 15 years
and we have no friends.
-Al, I wanna have some friends.
-Wait a second.
Are you implying that it's my fault
you have no friends?
Oh, no. It's me who sits
in front of the TV set burping...
...with my hand
thrust down my pants.
You keep it cold in this house, Peg.
Al, every night when the kids
go out, it's just you and me.
Can't you see how boring
that is for me, honey?
Look, all I am asking is that we have
some people over for one night...
...and for you to be nice.
Oh, I'm gonna be nice.
How's this for nice?
I'm not even gonna be here.
I'm going to the game.
All right, Al. Fine.
But before you go,
I would just like to say three things.
The bank book
is in both of our names...
...the credit cards are
in both of our names...
...and the stores are still open.
Why didn't you get me juice?
-Kids gone?
-Yeah. But they'll be back.
I can't believe you invited
these people over tonight.
I hate company.
Would you for once think about me?
I am at home all day, alone.
You're out there around people
all the time.
-You know, I need some fun too.
-Too?
Oh, sure, on the surface,
selling women's shoes is fun.
But once you cut through
all the hype, the myths, the glamour...
...it's really very much like any
minimum-wage-paying slow death.
Hi, Mom. Dad, can I have $5?
When I was a kid,
I had to earn my money.
Did you ever once think about
trying to earn your money?
Okay, Dad.
You wanna know who
Kelly was with this afternoon?
Who?
You know the kid they call Cobra,
the kid with the sore on his mouth?
-Good job, son.
-Thanks, Dad.
-Where you going?
-Joey's dad's waiting for me outside.
We're going to
the basketball game.
Mom said it was okay. Bye.
The Lakers are in town.
He really wanted to go.
Hi, Mom. Dad, can I have $10?
-Who were you with today?
-Nobody.
Does nobody have a name?
You know, Tom, Dick,
Cobra with a sore on his mouth?
Oh, Dad. It's not that kind of a sore.
He just fell asleep
with a cigar in his mouth.
What?
You gave some to Bud,
you have to give to Kelly too.
Remember, Al, no favouritism.
Peg, she's going out with a guy
named after a reptile.
His real name is Stanley.
They only call him Cobra because
he has one painted on his van.
And you find this
acceptable?
I've met him,
and he's a very nice boy.
That's his horn. Isn't it great?
I guess that's why I fell in love
with him. Bye, Mom.
Bye, honey.
You know, we must have
done something right.
We raised two great kids.
I'm sorry, honey. I didn't hear you.
I was just thinking of killing myself.
Not tonight, honey.
We have company coming over.
It's time for the pregame show.
Oh, no, you don't.
Every time we have company,
you turn on this TV...
...and immediately
separate yourself.
Not tonight. You can always
watch a basketball game.
But I couldn't always meet our
next-door neighbors. Now I see.
That must be Steve and Marcy
from next door.
Steve and Marcy?
I'm gonna miss a game for people
named Steve and Marcy?
What's their last name, Gormé?
And that is another thing, Al.
When they're in here, I do not want you
making any snide comments.
-That's why we have no friends.
-Excuse me, Peg.
I thought we had no friends because
I put my hands down my pants.
That's them. Now, Al, another thing.
Do not eat or drink anything.
One of them may have to use
the bathroom after you.
I'm gonna hate these people.
You will not hate them,
they are very nice.
If they were nice, they'd be dead
and I'd be at the game.
-Get the door.
-Get my juice.
-Hello. I'm Marcy.
-I'm Steve.
-You have a beautiful home.
-So do you. Come on in.
-Howdy, neighbor!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate these people.
Why don't we sit down?
Gee, you know,
I'm kind of embarrassed.
I have nothing to serve you.
Listen, if you're hungry,
there's a store a few blocks away.
Yeah, if you're going,
get me some juice, okay?
Al's only kidding.
He's just upset because
I didn't have time to go shopping.
You know, Steve and I decided
to share the household chores.
Gee, that's great.
You see, Al?
Steve helps around the house.
Way to go, Steve.
Say, listen, who do you like to win
the NBA championship this year?
Well, Al, to tell you the truth...
...since we got married,
I don't watch much sports.
Marcy doesn't like it...
...and we decided we'll only
do things we both like.
I feel that sports glorify
violence and competition...
...and I don't think it's
psychologically healthy.
When we have a child...
...we don't want it to grow up with that
"winning is the only thing" attitude.
A child is better off
not being exposed to sports.
You gonna neuter him too?
Do you two have any kids?
-Two.
-Where are they?
I don't know.
So, Steve, looks like life is really
shaping up for you two.
How long you two crazy kids
been married?
-Two months, Al.
-Well, Marcy...
...looks like you got a heck of
a piece of clay here to work with.
We've been married 15 years.
What's your secret?
Oh, no secret, really.
Just to be considerate...
...accept each other for what you are.
Don't point out the fact that
the hair he's losing on his head...
...is now growing out of his nose.
And his ears.
And accepting the fact that
nowadays it's harder to figure out...
...where her chest ends
and her stomach begins.
I'll get us some coffee, Marcy.
-I'll help.
-Me too.
You know another thing that--
You know another thing that makes
women such a blessing to us?
It's like when you're
sitting somewhere...
...and they come over
and they say to you:
"What are you thinking?"
And you start thinking:
"You know, if I wanted you to know,
I'd be talking."
Isn't that an awful lot of coffee
you're putting in there?
Yes.
That's for them. Ours will be good.
You see, if they enjoy eating
and drinking at home too much...
...they never take you anywhere.
With men, if you ask them
for something...
...you are never gonna get it.
But if you do some damage
to their internal organs...
...you got a shot.
And if it doesn't work,
what have you lost?
Could you fill this
with tap water, please?
Well, I have to be honest.
So far, Steve has been
the ideal husband.
Oh, really?
I bet the first couple of weeks
you were married...
...you went to bed at the same time.
Oh, yes.
Have you noticed how,
in the last month or so...
...he seems to be going to bed
a little later and later?
Why, yes.
How did you know?
You're letting him slip away, Marcy.
You've got a good thing going.
Don't start letting him
have a good time alone.
But we still have
a good time together.
Then why is he staying up?
And I'm telling you,
your son is gonna be a sissy mary...
...if you let that woman
take away your sports.
I used to love sports.
Of course you did. You're a man.
But, Steve, you can love it again.
Start with me right now, Steve.
Turn on that TV--
I can't do it for you.
--turn it on, settle back, relax...
...and watch sports.
You know, lately...
...he's been getting up
earlier than me too.
That's not good.
Do you have PMS?
-No.
-Get it.
-Steve!
-Hey!
I thought we agreed.
-No sports.
-Oh, nice shot.
I demand to know what you do
late at night after I've gone to bed.
Are you having fun alone, Steve?
No, I just like to stay up and think.
What are you thinking?
Well, if I wanted you to know, I'd--
Oh, just about how much I love you.
I'm going to the game
next week with Al.
My mother's coming over next week.
Yeah? She gonna
teach you how to bury me...
...like she buried
her three husbands?
Steve!
Are you implying that their suicides
had something to do with Mother?
Well, if that's your attitude...
...then maybe I should just
pack my bags and move in with her.
Great. Then I could go
to bed at a normal hour.
All right, Steve Rhoades, let's go.
We're going home.
It's time to redefine our relationship.
Okay. Al, I'll see you
next week at the game.
Peggy, I think we'll be spending
a lot of time together.
Come on, Steve. We've got to talk.
Make it quick.
I'm gonna watch boxing.
You'll watch nothing.
-It's gonna be rough for them.
-Yeah.
Well, it was rough for us,
and we made it.
Hey, you know what?
Bud got an A in school today.
-No kidding?
-Yeah.
Hey, let's go out Saturday night.
You know, to eat. Just me and you.
Sure, if you want to.
We haven't been to
The Captain's Table in a long time.
We always like it there.
They have such a nice menu.
You wanna go upstairs?
Thought you wanted
to watch the game.
Who cares?
You know, I like the coffee there too.
you little psychopath!
Die, commie bimbo.
Now, Bud, I thought
we talked about this before.
-What's that, Mom?
-You know...
...sneaking up behind your sister,
pulling her hair, pretending to kill her.
Remember the effect
it had on Grandma?
Nobody likes it, nobody thinks
it's funny. So cut it out, okay?
-Sure, Mom.
-Now, go to school.
-I hate you.
-Good.
Hey, hon.
-Anything going on?
-Nope.
Sweetie....
Is this your little cactus?
Any particular reason you put it
where the alarm clock used to be?
I thought it would dress up
the room a little bit.
Oh, gee, I meant to tell you
to be careful...
...before you slammed your hand
on the alarm this morning.
-Well, you didn't.
-I'm sorry.
That's okay, I stopped
the bleeding with your slip.
-Where are the kids?
-Oh, they've left.
Oh, by the way, Bud has
show-and-tell at school today.
The subject is
"What Does Daddy Do?"
So when you come home tonight,
if there's a can of beer missing...
...and you can't find the remote control,
that's where they are.
I hope he brings that stuff back tonight.
The Bulls are playing on TV.
Oh, my God, you're kidding.
It's not as exciting as your
Cooking with Clyde the Cajun show...
...but at least it gives me
a reason to come home.
Al, do you have to leave
the refrigerator door open?
-I'm getting a draft.
-I'm sorry.
Maybe I should look
for some food in the dishwasher.
We have no juice.
I didn't buy any.
I didn't have time.
That happens. I understand.
You don't have a job
or anything, do you?
Well, I do sandpaper the stains
out of your shirts...
...and battle your socks and underwear
into the washing machine...
...but I guess that is more
of an adventure than a job.
What's that got to do with juice?
Al, there's a store on your
way home from work.
I'm sorry. Why didn't I think of that?
Sure. I don't mind
doing the shopping too.
Anything else I can do
to make your life easier?
You could shave your back.
Hey, that hair is there for a reason.
It keeps you off of me at night.
Al, let's not start.
-We were having such a nice morning.
-Yeah, I'm sorry. You're right.
It's just, I got a hard day
ahead of me...
...and nothing to eat
to get me going.
I'm sorry, honey.
I know, it's my fault.
But tonight, I promise,
there will be food in the house.
-And juice.
-Right.
Those kids. I hate wasting food.
Yes, my little baby.
Have a nice day, honey.
There'd better be juice
when I get home.
I don't care what
your little ruler says.
I've been a 7 since I graduated
from high school.
Well, these are 7s.
The box says 9 because, well--
Look, lady, you're a 9.
I can accept it, why can't you?
-You're very fresh!
-No, ma'am, that's impossible.
For the last hour, I've been trying
to squeeze your foot into a shoe...
...when I really should have been
easing them into the box.
So, no, I'd say I'm anything but fresh.
By the way...
...you wanna tell John Henry over there
to give the $100 pumps a rest?
Your ad says "Courteous service."
That's not my ad, ma'am.
That's the former owner's.
He was killed, tragically,
on this very spot...
...when a size 9 exploded in his face.
Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
-I want a balloon.
-You've already got one.
Hey, Al. You mind if I go to lunch?
-You just came from lunch.
-Yeah, technically.
But biologically, I was
in bed with some broad.
Luke, how can you be happy
sleeping with every woman you meet?
I don't know, but I am.
As your friend,
I can't wait till you get married.
Yeah. A wife and kids who adore you.
A wife....
Kids....
The list goes on and on.
It's just seeing their faces light up
in the morning when they see you.
They can't do enough for you.
It's heaven on earth.
No, Al. That is.
Luke Ventura, at your feet.
Do you work here,
or are you just loitering?
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am. Can I help you?
I'd like to see some shoes, please.
Let me guess.
-Size 7s.
-Yes. How did you know?
All women are 7s.
I know you've been told this before...
...but you have the instep
of a movie star.
Really?
Hey, Al. Meet Tawny.
Al's married.
Listen, Al, I forgot to tell you.
I got an extra ticket to the Bulls game
tonight. Court level. Wanna go?
-Hell, yeah.
-Sure your wife will let you?
Let me tell you something:
No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Hey, you. Get my shoes.
Yes, ma'am.
We're here today with our
staff anthropologist, Dr. Jim...
...who discovered a tribe
of women in the Amazon who...
...like the praying mantis, devour
their males after mating season.
-Oh, my God.
-Ladies.
-Hi, honey.
-Hi.
-Working hard?
-Oh, yeah.
You know how I like
to keep the house clean.
Hard day?
-Yeah, you?
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it must have been.
Even the TV's sweating.
Hey, get me some juice, okay?
Oh, that's what I forgot to do.
That's okay. Juice isn't important.
I know you've been busy
around the house all day...
...so don't bother
making me dinner tonight.
I got a little surprise for you.
I'm going to the ball game tonight.
Al.
You're not going
to the game tonight.
Sure, I am. See, let me explain
something to you.
I work all day.
And when somebody works all day,
they need to have fun at night.
Now, I don't actually
expect you to understand...
...but trust me,
I'm your husband. I know best.
Well, isn't staying home with me fun?
Don't wait up.
Al, you're not going
to the game tonight.
I see you misunderstood me.
You must have thought I said, "Is it
okay with you if I go to the game?"
You know, like a question.
-There's no question about this.
-No, there isn't.
-You cannot go to the game tonight.
-Why not?
-Because I invited company over.
-Company?
Who the hell would wanna
come over here?
You know that honeymoon couple
that moved next door?
I invited them over.
I thought I told you.
You didn't.
Look, I worked hard all day.
The last thing I wanna do is spend
the evening with people I don't know.
Now, look. They are new
in the neighborhood.
They have lived here for two months
and they have no friends.
We have lived here for 15 years
and we have no friends.
-Al, I wanna have some friends.
-Wait a second.
Are you implying that it's my fault
you have no friends?
Oh, no. It's me who sits
in front of the TV set burping...
...with my hand
thrust down my pants.
You keep it cold in this house, Peg.
Al, every night when the kids
go out, it's just you and me.
Can't you see how boring
that is for me, honey?
Look, all I am asking is that we have
some people over for one night...
...and for you to be nice.
Oh, I'm gonna be nice.
How's this for nice?
I'm not even gonna be here.
I'm going to the game.
All right, Al. Fine.
But before you go,
I would just like to say three things.
The bank book
is in both of our names...
...the credit cards are
in both of our names...
...and the stores are still open.
Why didn't you get me juice?
-Kids gone?
-Yeah. But they'll be back.
I can't believe you invited
these people over tonight.
I hate company.
Would you for once think about me?
I am at home all day, alone.
You're out there around people
all the time.
-You know, I need some fun too.
-Too?
Oh, sure, on the surface,
selling women's shoes is fun.
But once you cut through
all the hype, the myths, the glamour...
...it's really very much like any
minimum-wage-paying slow death.
Hi, Mom. Dad, can I have $5?
When I was a kid,
I had to earn my money.
Did you ever once think about
trying to earn your money?
Okay, Dad.
You wanna know who
Kelly was with this afternoon?
Who?
You know the kid they call Cobra,
the kid with the sore on his mouth?
-Good job, son.
-Thanks, Dad.
-Where you going?
-Joey's dad's waiting for me outside.
We're going to
the basketball game.
Mom said it was okay. Bye.
The Lakers are in town.
He really wanted to go.
Hi, Mom. Dad, can I have $10?
-Who were you with today?
-Nobody.
Does nobody have a name?
You know, Tom, Dick,
Cobra with a sore on his mouth?
Oh, Dad. It's not that kind of a sore.
He just fell asleep
with a cigar in his mouth.
What?
You gave some to Bud,
you have to give to Kelly too.
Remember, Al, no favouritism.
Peg, she's going out with a guy
named after a reptile.
His real name is Stanley.
They only call him Cobra because
he has one painted on his van.
And you find this
acceptable?
I've met him,
and he's a very nice boy.
That's his horn. Isn't it great?
I guess that's why I fell in love
with him. Bye, Mom.
Bye, honey.
You know, we must have
done something right.
We raised two great kids.
I'm sorry, honey. I didn't hear you.
I was just thinking of killing myself.
Not tonight, honey.
We have company coming over.
It's time for the pregame show.
Oh, no, you don't.
Every time we have company,
you turn on this TV...
...and immediately
separate yourself.
Not tonight. You can always
watch a basketball game.
But I couldn't always meet our
next-door neighbors. Now I see.
That must be Steve and Marcy
from next door.
Steve and Marcy?
I'm gonna miss a game for people
named Steve and Marcy?
What's their last name, Gormé?
And that is another thing, Al.
When they're in here, I do not want you
making any snide comments.
-That's why we have no friends.
-Excuse me, Peg.
I thought we had no friends because
I put my hands down my pants.
That's them. Now, Al, another thing.
Do not eat or drink anything.
One of them may have to use
the bathroom after you.
I'm gonna hate these people.
You will not hate them,
they are very nice.
If they were nice, they'd be dead
and I'd be at the game.
-Get the door.
-Get my juice.
-Hello. I'm Marcy.
-I'm Steve.
-You have a beautiful home.
-So do you. Come on in.
-Howdy, neighbor!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate these people.
Why don't we sit down?
Gee, you know,
I'm kind of embarrassed.
I have nothing to serve you.
Listen, if you're hungry,
there's a store a few blocks away.
Yeah, if you're going,
get me some juice, okay?
Al's only kidding.
He's just upset because
I didn't have time to go shopping.
You know, Steve and I decided
to share the household chores.
Gee, that's great.
You see, Al?
Steve helps around the house.
Way to go, Steve.
Say, listen, who do you like to win
the NBA championship this year?
Well, Al, to tell you the truth...
...since we got married,
I don't watch much sports.
Marcy doesn't like it...
...and we decided we'll only
do things we both like.
I feel that sports glorify
violence and competition...
...and I don't think it's
psychologically healthy.
When we have a child...
...we don't want it to grow up with that
"winning is the only thing" attitude.
A child is better off
not being exposed to sports.
You gonna neuter him too?
Do you two have any kids?
-Two.
-Where are they?
I don't know.
So, Steve, looks like life is really
shaping up for you two.
How long you two crazy kids
been married?
-Two months, Al.
-Well, Marcy...
...looks like you got a heck of
a piece of clay here to work with.
We've been married 15 years.
What's your secret?
Oh, no secret, really.
Just to be considerate...
...accept each other for what you are.
Don't point out the fact that
the hair he's losing on his head...
...is now growing out of his nose.
And his ears.
And accepting the fact that
nowadays it's harder to figure out...
...where her chest ends
and her stomach begins.
I'll get us some coffee, Marcy.
-I'll help.
-Me too.
You know another thing that--
You know another thing that makes
women such a blessing to us?
It's like when you're
sitting somewhere...
...and they come over
and they say to you:
"What are you thinking?"
And you start thinking:
"You know, if I wanted you to know,
I'd be talking."
Isn't that an awful lot of coffee
you're putting in there?
Yes.
That's for them. Ours will be good.
You see, if they enjoy eating
and drinking at home too much...
...they never take you anywhere.
With men, if you ask them
for something...
...you are never gonna get it.
But if you do some damage
to their internal organs...
...you got a shot.
And if it doesn't work,
what have you lost?
Could you fill this
with tap water, please?
Well, I have to be honest.
So far, Steve has been
the ideal husband.
Oh, really?
I bet the first couple of weeks
you were married...
...you went to bed at the same time.
Oh, yes.
Have you noticed how,
in the last month or so...
...he seems to be going to bed
a little later and later?
Why, yes.
How did you know?
You're letting him slip away, Marcy.
You've got a good thing going.
Don't start letting him
have a good time alone.
But we still have
a good time together.
Then why is he staying up?
And I'm telling you,
your son is gonna be a sissy mary...
...if you let that woman
take away your sports.
I used to love sports.
Of course you did. You're a man.
But, Steve, you can love it again.
Start with me right now, Steve.
Turn on that TV--
I can't do it for you.
--turn it on, settle back, relax...
...and watch sports.
You know, lately...
...he's been getting up
earlier than me too.
That's not good.
Do you have PMS?
-No.
-Get it.
-Steve!
-Hey!
I thought we agreed.
-No sports.
-Oh, nice shot.
I demand to know what you do
late at night after I've gone to bed.
Are you having fun alone, Steve?
No, I just like to stay up and think.
What are you thinking?
Well, if I wanted you to know, I'd--
Oh, just about how much I love you.
I'm going to the game
next week with Al.
My mother's coming over next week.
Yeah? She gonna
teach you how to bury me...
...like she buried
her three husbands?
Steve!
Are you implying that their suicides
had something to do with Mother?
Well, if that's your attitude...
...then maybe I should just
pack my bags and move in with her.
Great. Then I could go
to bed at a normal hour.
All right, Steve Rhoades, let's go.
We're going home.
It's time to redefine our relationship.
Okay. Al, I'll see you
next week at the game.
Peggy, I think we'll be spending
a lot of time together.
Come on, Steve. We've got to talk.
Make it quick.
I'm gonna watch boxing.
You'll watch nothing.
-It's gonna be rough for them.
-Yeah.
Well, it was rough for us,
and we made it.
Hey, you know what?
Bud got an A in school today.
-No kidding?
-Yeah.
Hey, let's go out Saturday night.
You know, to eat. Just me and you.
Sure, if you want to.
We haven't been to
The Captain's Table in a long time.
We always like it there.
They have such a nice menu.
You wanna go upstairs?
Thought you wanted
to watch the game.
Who cares?
You know, I like the coffee there too.