Married (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 9 - Halloween - full transcript
Russ & Jess take an unwilling AJ to rehab.
(Door opens)
(Door closes)
Lina: Hey.
Working late again?
Russ: Uh, yeah.
Lina: It's kind of really late.
Russ: Yup, I was, uh...
just working on some of my own stuff.
Lina: Hmm.
Russ: Yeah.
Lina: Cool.
Russ: Mm-hmm.
Um, how are you, how are the girls?
Lina: I spent my evening
pulling shit out of a dog's ass.
Russ: Oh, for fun?
Russ: Or...
Lina: His anal glands were compacted.
How was your day?
Russ: Like pulling shit out
of a dog's ass.
- Ella: Your wife is rude.
- Russ: Tell me about it.
You know, she wasn't always this rude.
Like, before you were born,
she was actually kind of cool.
- Ella: What happened?
- Russ: We broke her.
And now we are all paying for it.
Ella: She's refusing to get me
a Halloween costume.
- Russ: Really?
- Ella: Really.
- Russ: That is rude.
- Lina: Are you freaking kidding me?
That's what she said, that I refused?
Russ: Yes.
Lina: First she wants to be a bee,
then she wants to be a hippie,
now she wants to be a pirate.
How many costumes
am I supposed to buy?
Russ: So just buy her
the pirate costume.
Lina: You buy her the pirate costume.
Russ: I can't, I have
AJ's thing tomorrow.
- Lina: I have lunch with Eva.
- Russ: Eva's in town?
- Lina: Really?
- Russ: What?
Lina: I told you, like, 17 times
last week that my best friend
was coming to town for a week
and that she has one window
that she can see me for lunch and
it's tomorrow and I'm gonna drive
half the day to do it.
Russ: So, uh,
what do you want to do
about the pirate costume?
Lina: If I buy it,
she won't appreciate it.
- Lina: I should get it for her.
- Russ: Oh, get it, don't get it...
I don't care.
Sorry.
(Door closes)
Yeah, yeah, I got AJ
into this very cool facility.
- Shepard: Very good.
- Russ: 'Cause that guy
- Russ: could use a vacation.
- Shepard: Yeah.
Russ: Couldn't we all? Hi.
Jess: Hi. Mwah.
Uh, you forgot to buy
toilet paper again.
Shepard: (Soft chuckle) Well,
then you forgot to remind me again.
Jess: Okay, well, maybe
that's because one of us has a job
and the other one doesn't.
Shepard: Okay, you know, I
love when you emasculate me
in front of company.
- Jess: Okay.
- Shepard: Do some more,
- Shepard: do some more.
- Jess: No, I'm sorry for you, I really am.
One minute.
Shepard: Hmm.
Russ: Good times.
Shepard: You have any idea
- what time you'll be back?
- Jess: No.
- Jess: I have work drinks tonight.
- Shepard: Okay, you got work drinks.
I got you, you got work drinks.
She has drinks every night and
then I end up eating supper
alone with the nanny.
Russ: Does Victoria speak English or...?
Shepard: You know what,
I'm not really sure.
She seems to smile
and she laughs on cue.
'Cause, really, what more do I need?
Russ: Oh, sounds fun.
Shit.
- Hey.
- AJ: Bagels, anyone?
Jess: Oh, man.
Russ: You don't look packed.
- AJ: Come on, come inside.
- (Russ sighs)
My assistant's coming by later.
She's on it.
Jess: No, not later. No, no, no,
we don't have all day to do this.
Russ: Yeah, dude, come on.
We took off work for this.
AJ: Oh, man, you think they got
bagels in the big house?
Russ: You're not going to jail.
Jess (Chuckling): Jesus.
AJ: Oh, jail, rehab. Same shit.
Russ: Look, I know this is hard, okay?
But you got to get
your suitcase, all right?
- We got to go.
- AJ: How about I go tomorrow,
and the three of us just kick it today?
I have all these drugs... huh?
We should go through them so
they're not here when I get back.
I don't need that temptation, you know?
Russ: We got to get this
moving here, okay, so can you
go get packed? Please?
AJ: You're a buzzkill.
Fine.
(Phone rings)
Russ: Hey.
Lina: How's it going?
Russ: I'm helping a grown man pack.
Lina: I help you pack all the time.
Russ: That must be why you hate me.
Lina: I hate you?
Lately it seems like you hate me.
Russ: What?
I don't... that's crazy.
Lina: Anyway, look, I think I want
to get Ella the pirate costume.
Russ: I thought you said
she won't appreciate it.
Lina: She won't, but she's almost 12,
and I feel like this is
the last Halloween
she'll trick-or-treat with the family.
Russ: Right, okay.
Lina: Can you do it, because
by the time I get over the hill
I won't have time.
Russ: I...
Sure. Sure.
Lina: I have to go, Eva's here. Later
Russ: Okay, bye.
- (Lina laughs)
- Eva: Oh, my gosh.
- Lina: How are you?
- Eva: It's good to see you.
Lina: You, too.
Eva: How's things, how's
everything with Russ?
Lina: Well, they've been better.
Russ: So,
what kind of work drinks
do you have tonight?
(Jess laughs)
So full of shit.
Jess: I don't have work drink.
(Fake chuckle)
It's a Halloween party in the hills.
Russ: (Laughs) Yeah, he said
you've been going out a lot lately.
Jess: I'm not doing anything
shady, I'm just going out
and having fun and dancing.
Shep falls asleep every night
at 9:00 p.m. in front of the TV.
Oh, you never go out? You're
so good, right, you're perfect?
- Russ: No.
- Jess: God, let me get a closer
- look at you; you are perfect.
- Russ: I did not say that.
I'm in the same exact boat.
Some nights I go out with the kids
from the, uh, store.
You know, we go to the bar
and I tell Lina that
I'm working on my designs.
And the truth is I haven't worked
on any of my own shit
in months.
Jess: Sometimes you need to lie.
Russ: Yeah.
What is taking him so long?
Seriously.
He said he'd be right out.
Jess: He lied.
Russ: AJ, let's go.
(Heavy scraping)
(Knocking)
AJ.
Jess: Hello?
(Groans)
Russ: Oh, son of a bitch.
AJ!
Hey, come on!
What are you doing?!
Jess: We have a runner.
Russ: Come on!
I don't need this shit.
Russ: (Groans) This is so annoying.
I can't believe he just did this.
Jess: You know what, though,
he's not gonna get very far
without the keys.
- Russ: That is true.
- Jess: Yeah.
That was very well done on your part.
Jess: Yeah. You know,
it's actually this trick that I used
to do, like, with all of the
addicts that I've dated.
Russ: You did date a lot of addicts.
Jess: Yeah, it's kind of my type.
Russ: I can't believe you
ended up with Shep.
He's so straight.
Jess: Yeah, well,
I needed someone to take the wheel.
Which is exactly why you
and I could never be together.
8Russ: Yeah, we're looking for
our friend to take him to rehab
while we smoke a joint.
Jess: That's a bad...
(Chuckles) that's a bad couple.
Russ: That is a bad couple.
Jess: Or such a cool couple.
Russ: Is that him?
That's him right there. Pull over.
Pull over right here.
AJ: I just wanted to say good-bye
to my favorite barista.
Jess: Yeah.
No, he's really gonna miss you.
AJ: I tip really well.
- He is really gonna miss me.
- Russ: Just get in the car.
- AJ: Let my guy make you a mocha.
- Jess: No.
- Russ: Just get in the car.
- AJ: Let my guy make you a mocha,
- Come on.
- Jess: Nobody wants a mocha.
- AJ: Fine. Fine.
- Jess: Nobody wants a mocha.
AJ: Fine. It's your loss.
He makes the best mocha.
Jess: Okay.
Lina: We're not connecting
anymore, you know?
And by the end of the day,
when we finally all,
- Eva: Oh, my God.
- like...
Lina, I am so sorry.
I just have to have a quick
cup of coffee with Parker here.
Look, it'll just... it'll...
it'll take a couple minutes.
- Lina: Oh.
- PARKER: Sorry to interrupt.
Lina: Okay... Sure.
Do you want me to move?
AJ: What the hell is this?
Am I rehabbing at a Dollar Store?
Russ: No, I just got to do
some shopping.
I got to get Ella a pirate costume.
AJ: Guys, maybe rehab isn't
the answer for me.
- Russ: Dude.
- Jess: You're going to rehab.
AJ: Do I have a private room?
- Russ: Yes.
- AJ: Do I have a private bathroom?
Russ: Yes.
AJ: I wonder if I get a bidet
'cause I like to be clean.
Jess: (Groans) No.
All right, well, what
size pirate is she?
Russ: Uh, I don't have any idea.
She's almost 12, so...
- Jess: She is?
- Russ: Yeah.
- Jess: God.
- Russ: I know.
I think this is the last year that
she's gonna trick-or-treat with us.
Jess: Oh.
Did she have her period yet?
Russ: No, don't, okay?
I don't know. The doctor
said it could be any minute.
Jess: Ooh, you're gonna get those
boobs and pubes in your house.
Russ: Stop it, okay?
I can't even get my head around that.
Jess: Here we go. Look.
You're done. Pirate.
- Russ: What is that?
- Jess: And you're welcome.
- It's a pirate costume.
- Russ: No, it's a sexy pirate.
AJ: It's a slutty pirate.
Russ: I just said she's 12.
That's way too much, Jess.
- AJ: That's a dirty, dirty pirate.
- Jess: I'm sorry, but this is L.A.
This is what kids wear.
AJ: A pirate that dresses like
that has daddy issues.
Russ: Yeah. Why are there no
classy pirate costumes here?
She's just gonna have to be
the bee or the hippie, I guess.
AJ: I just had a thought.
What if Caitlin grows up
to be a slutty pirate?
What if I'm one of these
whore-making dads?
Russ: No. You're...
You're a good dad, okay?
She's gonna be fine.
AJ: Right.
That's why I got to stay home
and I got to take care of my kid,
'cause I'm a good dad.
- Jess: No.
- Russ: No, that's not what I said.
You're gonna go to rehab so that
you can become a better dad.
AJ: Right. A better dad.
- Jess: Yeah.
- AJ: Rehab.
We just got to make a quick stop
at my office first, though.
(Jess groans)
Russ: What?
All right.
You get five minutes, all right?
That's it. I'm serious.
AJ: All right, all right.
Relax, Dad.
I just have to go upstairs and
say good-bye to my work family
and pick up some socks.
(Tapping)
AJ: Hey, Gillian.
Gillian: Hi.
(Pills rattling)
AJ: Ah, they sound comfy.
Gillian: Just like you ordered.
AJ: Yeah.
Gillian: The guy I got them from
said not to wear the socks
on an empty stomach.
AJ: Hey, got to always listen
to the sock man, right?
Gillian: Just be careful.
AJ: Hey, uh, where is everybody?
Richard and Abby are...
They're not in their offices.
Gillian: Um, they are
in the partner meeting.
AJ: Partner meeting?
Gillian: Mm-hmm.
AJ: But I'm one of the partners.
Gillian: I know. It's just...
AJ: So how can they have
a partner meeting
without me, if I'm one of the partners?
That doesn't make any sense.
Gillian: Well, you weren't
coming in today.
AJ: So I'm not one of the
partners anymore, huh?
Gillian: No, of course you are.
AJ: Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
No, you're right! You're right!
I'm a founding partner!
(Whistling)
Gillian: You know, I really don't
think this is such a good idea.
Why don't we just go
to lunch or something.
AJ?
Good luck.
AJ: Hey, guys.
How's it going?
Hey, uh, I got a little something
I want to say to you.
(Muffled): Are you insane?!
Are you out of your minds?!
This... mine, mine, this is all mine!
I started this company!
(Speaking indistinctly)
...on your skulls after
I remove your brains!
(Eva speaking indistinctly)
Lina: Um, you know what, I think,
uh... I think I'm gonna get going.
I'll just see you next time
you're in town.
Eva: Lina, just hang on one s...
- (Phone ringing)
- Uh, I have to get this.
- Lina: Sure.
- Eva: Can you just hang on one second?
Lina: No, it's fine, it's fine.
It was nice to meet you.
Good luck with your, um,
important meeting.
Eva: (Sighs) Hey. I am so sorry.
Look, I'm only in town for
a couple days and I overbooked.
Are you okay?
Lina: (Sniffles) No.
Eva: Should we go get a drink?
Lina: I just gave the guy my ticket.
Eva: I'll take care of it. Come on.
Gillian: Everything's fine.
I shouldn't have called you guys,
uh... I just got scared.
Jess: Why, what happened?
Gillian: The partners had AJ
escorted out of the building.
After everything that he's done
for them, it's so ungrateful.
Right?
Russ: What did he do?
Gillian: Nobody got hurt.
AJ got a tiny bit violent.
- Jess: Uh-huh.
- Gillian: But he wanted me
to tell you guys that rehab can wait,
because things are a little intense
right now with the new firm.
Jess: The new firm?
Gillian: We're starting a new firm.
I mean, AJ is, but I'm helping him.
Jess: Oh, I'm sure you are, sweetie.
That's great.
Gillian: N-No, you guys,
now's really not a good time.
Wait, you guys, um, sorry...
AJ?
Russ: Let's go.
It's time to go. Time to go.
AJ: Gillian, did you explain to them
how busy I am with the new firm?
- Gillian: I tried.
- Russ: Oh, cut the crap.
There is no new firm, okay?
You're going to rehab like you promised.
AJ: Do you have that promise in writing?
- Russ: In a text.
- AJ: Well,
texts are inadmissible.
You know, anybody
can hack that shit, right?
Jess: Oh, my God, you're
such an asshole.
We've been chasing you
around all day, okay?
Russ: You know what,
don't worry about it.
I don't care anymore.
I really don't. I'm over it.
Okay, you don't want to go to rehab?
Don't go, okay?
Who cares that I spent the week
yelping different facilities, okay?
Reading reviews of food
and-and fitness centers.
If you want to screw me over
and Jess and this poor girl who's
probably in love with you, go for it.
AJ: Right. Come on, she's
not in love with me.
Gillian: But you said
you wanted to be with me.
AJ: Yeah. At the new firm.
Gillian: But what about when we...
AJ: Oh, my God, did we have sex?
Gillian: Twice.
AJ: Did you like it?
Gillian: Once.
Jess: Oh, wow.
AJ: Well.
I guess it's, uh...
it's time for somebody
to go to rehab, huh?
Lina: No, I just really
wanted to talk to you
because I can't talk to the
other moms about real stuff.
Eva: Okay, well, what's going on
with you and Russ?
Lina: He hates his job.
He comes home super late
every night and I can tell
that he doesn't want to be around me.
I don't understand it.
Eva: Do you know, sometimes
when I come home at night,
I am such a bitch to Karen.
Lina: Okay, but why?
Eva: I don't know.
I mean, she's taking care of my kids,
she's washing my clothes.
- Lina: Yeah.
- Eva: But sometimes I look at her
and I can't stand her.
Like, all the sacrifices that
she's made for me, I just,
I see them on her face.
It makes me want to slap
the shit out of her.
Lina: Really?
(Eva laughs)
I can tell when I walk through the door.
He looks at me like he wants me
to be his cheerleader or something.
Eva: You know what?
He probably just wants you
to put his dick in your mouth.
(Laughs)
Lina: I'm a terrible wife.
Eva: Hey, stay in the hotel room
with me tonight, come on.
I have an early meeting, but
you can just hang out, get a massage,
charge it to the room.
And then we can really hang out later.
Lina: Yeah, screw it, Russ can
take 'em trick-or-treating.
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Lina: They don't even care about me.
(Eva laughs)
They probably won't even
notice if I'm not there.
Eva: So you'll stay?
- Lina: Happy Halloween.
- Russ: Hey.
- Russ: What are you doing here?
- Lina: Hi, guys.
I thought you were, uh,
spending the night at Eva's.
Lina: Oh, I didn't really
think you could handle
trick-or-treating on your own.
- But I was clearly wrong.
- Russ: Clearly.
Lina: You got the pirate costume.
Not bad.
Ella: Hey, guys, Hannah just texted
and asked if I could go
trick-or-treating with them.
Can I?
All my friends are gonna be there.
Please.
Russ: Uh, sure.
Ella: Really?
Lina: I hope she bleeds right
through that pirate costume tonight.
Russ: Yeah.
Let Hannah's mother find her a tampon.
Lina: And show her how to use it.
Maya: What's a tampon?
Russ: Uh...
It's kind of like a sponge...
that soaks up stuff.
Maya: What stuff?
Frankie: Are we done talking
about tampons?
Lina: How are we gonna
trick-or-treat when the kids are too old?
Russ: We won't.
Lina: Well, what will we do?
Russ: We'll give out candy.
Lina: We're gonna be those
old people giving out candy?
That's depressing.
Frankie: Look what we've got!
Lina: Oh, I want a butterfinger.
Maya: Mom.
Russ: Give your mother a butterfinger...
she does a lot of shit for you.
Now.
Give it.
All right, let's keep going.
Come on.
- Russ: Get something bigger.
- Frankie: We will, Daddy.
Russ: King size.
What was that for?
Lina: Standing up for me.
Russ: Hmm.
Well, in that case...
- Feeling more than just a kiss.
- (Lina laughs)
(Horn honks)
Jess: Am I too late?
Shepard: Just in time.
Ooh, you know what?
Back in the car.
Jess: What?
Shepard: Just wait in the car.
Some neighbors don't hate us yet.
Jess: I look good.
Shepard: Yes, you do.
(Door closes)
Lina: Hey.
Working late again?
Russ: Uh, yeah.
Lina: It's kind of really late.
Russ: Yup, I was, uh...
just working on some of my own stuff.
Lina: Hmm.
Russ: Yeah.
Lina: Cool.
Russ: Mm-hmm.
Um, how are you, how are the girls?
Lina: I spent my evening
pulling shit out of a dog's ass.
Russ: Oh, for fun?
Russ: Or...
Lina: His anal glands were compacted.
How was your day?
Russ: Like pulling shit out
of a dog's ass.
- Ella: Your wife is rude.
- Russ: Tell me about it.
You know, she wasn't always this rude.
Like, before you were born,
she was actually kind of cool.
- Ella: What happened?
- Russ: We broke her.
And now we are all paying for it.
Ella: She's refusing to get me
a Halloween costume.
- Russ: Really?
- Ella: Really.
- Russ: That is rude.
- Lina: Are you freaking kidding me?
That's what she said, that I refused?
Russ: Yes.
Lina: First she wants to be a bee,
then she wants to be a hippie,
now she wants to be a pirate.
How many costumes
am I supposed to buy?
Russ: So just buy her
the pirate costume.
Lina: You buy her the pirate costume.
Russ: I can't, I have
AJ's thing tomorrow.
- Lina: I have lunch with Eva.
- Russ: Eva's in town?
- Lina: Really?
- Russ: What?
Lina: I told you, like, 17 times
last week that my best friend
was coming to town for a week
and that she has one window
that she can see me for lunch and
it's tomorrow and I'm gonna drive
half the day to do it.
Russ: So, uh,
what do you want to do
about the pirate costume?
Lina: If I buy it,
she won't appreciate it.
- Lina: I should get it for her.
- Russ: Oh, get it, don't get it...
I don't care.
Sorry.
(Door closes)
Yeah, yeah, I got AJ
into this very cool facility.
- Shepard: Very good.
- Russ: 'Cause that guy
- Russ: could use a vacation.
- Shepard: Yeah.
Russ: Couldn't we all? Hi.
Jess: Hi. Mwah.
Uh, you forgot to buy
toilet paper again.
Shepard: (Soft chuckle) Well,
then you forgot to remind me again.
Jess: Okay, well, maybe
that's because one of us has a job
and the other one doesn't.
Shepard: Okay, you know, I
love when you emasculate me
in front of company.
- Jess: Okay.
- Shepard: Do some more,
- Shepard: do some more.
- Jess: No, I'm sorry for you, I really am.
One minute.
Shepard: Hmm.
Russ: Good times.
Shepard: You have any idea
- what time you'll be back?
- Jess: No.
- Jess: I have work drinks tonight.
- Shepard: Okay, you got work drinks.
I got you, you got work drinks.
She has drinks every night and
then I end up eating supper
alone with the nanny.
Russ: Does Victoria speak English or...?
Shepard: You know what,
I'm not really sure.
She seems to smile
and she laughs on cue.
'Cause, really, what more do I need?
Russ: Oh, sounds fun.
Shit.
- Hey.
- AJ: Bagels, anyone?
Jess: Oh, man.
Russ: You don't look packed.
- AJ: Come on, come inside.
- (Russ sighs)
My assistant's coming by later.
She's on it.
Jess: No, not later. No, no, no,
we don't have all day to do this.
Russ: Yeah, dude, come on.
We took off work for this.
AJ: Oh, man, you think they got
bagels in the big house?
Russ: You're not going to jail.
Jess (Chuckling): Jesus.
AJ: Oh, jail, rehab. Same shit.
Russ: Look, I know this is hard, okay?
But you got to get
your suitcase, all right?
- We got to go.
- AJ: How about I go tomorrow,
and the three of us just kick it today?
I have all these drugs... huh?
We should go through them so
they're not here when I get back.
I don't need that temptation, you know?
Russ: We got to get this
moving here, okay, so can you
go get packed? Please?
AJ: You're a buzzkill.
Fine.
(Phone rings)
Russ: Hey.
Lina: How's it going?
Russ: I'm helping a grown man pack.
Lina: I help you pack all the time.
Russ: That must be why you hate me.
Lina: I hate you?
Lately it seems like you hate me.
Russ: What?
I don't... that's crazy.
Lina: Anyway, look, I think I want
to get Ella the pirate costume.
Russ: I thought you said
she won't appreciate it.
Lina: She won't, but she's almost 12,
and I feel like this is
the last Halloween
she'll trick-or-treat with the family.
Russ: Right, okay.
Lina: Can you do it, because
by the time I get over the hill
I won't have time.
Russ: I...
Sure. Sure.
Lina: I have to go, Eva's here. Later
Russ: Okay, bye.
- (Lina laughs)
- Eva: Oh, my gosh.
- Lina: How are you?
- Eva: It's good to see you.
Lina: You, too.
Eva: How's things, how's
everything with Russ?
Lina: Well, they've been better.
Russ: So,
what kind of work drinks
do you have tonight?
(Jess laughs)
So full of shit.
Jess: I don't have work drink.
(Fake chuckle)
It's a Halloween party in the hills.
Russ: (Laughs) Yeah, he said
you've been going out a lot lately.
Jess: I'm not doing anything
shady, I'm just going out
and having fun and dancing.
Shep falls asleep every night
at 9:00 p.m. in front of the TV.
Oh, you never go out? You're
so good, right, you're perfect?
- Russ: No.
- Jess: God, let me get a closer
- look at you; you are perfect.
- Russ: I did not say that.
I'm in the same exact boat.
Some nights I go out with the kids
from the, uh, store.
You know, we go to the bar
and I tell Lina that
I'm working on my designs.
And the truth is I haven't worked
on any of my own shit
in months.
Jess: Sometimes you need to lie.
Russ: Yeah.
What is taking him so long?
Seriously.
He said he'd be right out.
Jess: He lied.
Russ: AJ, let's go.
(Heavy scraping)
(Knocking)
AJ.
Jess: Hello?
(Groans)
Russ: Oh, son of a bitch.
AJ!
Hey, come on!
What are you doing?!
Jess: We have a runner.
Russ: Come on!
I don't need this shit.
Russ: (Groans) This is so annoying.
I can't believe he just did this.
Jess: You know what, though,
he's not gonna get very far
without the keys.
- Russ: That is true.
- Jess: Yeah.
That was very well done on your part.
Jess: Yeah. You know,
it's actually this trick that I used
to do, like, with all of the
addicts that I've dated.
Russ: You did date a lot of addicts.
Jess: Yeah, it's kind of my type.
Russ: I can't believe you
ended up with Shep.
He's so straight.
Jess: Yeah, well,
I needed someone to take the wheel.
Which is exactly why you
and I could never be together.
8Russ: Yeah, we're looking for
our friend to take him to rehab
while we smoke a joint.
Jess: That's a bad...
(Chuckles) that's a bad couple.
Russ: That is a bad couple.
Jess: Or such a cool couple.
Russ: Is that him?
That's him right there. Pull over.
Pull over right here.
AJ: I just wanted to say good-bye
to my favorite barista.
Jess: Yeah.
No, he's really gonna miss you.
AJ: I tip really well.
- He is really gonna miss me.
- Russ: Just get in the car.
- AJ: Let my guy make you a mocha.
- Jess: No.
- Russ: Just get in the car.
- AJ: Let my guy make you a mocha,
- Come on.
- Jess: Nobody wants a mocha.
- AJ: Fine. Fine.
- Jess: Nobody wants a mocha.
AJ: Fine. It's your loss.
He makes the best mocha.
Jess: Okay.
Lina: We're not connecting
anymore, you know?
And by the end of the day,
when we finally all,
- Eva: Oh, my God.
- like...
Lina, I am so sorry.
I just have to have a quick
cup of coffee with Parker here.
Look, it'll just... it'll...
it'll take a couple minutes.
- Lina: Oh.
- PARKER: Sorry to interrupt.
Lina: Okay... Sure.
Do you want me to move?
AJ: What the hell is this?
Am I rehabbing at a Dollar Store?
Russ: No, I just got to do
some shopping.
I got to get Ella a pirate costume.
AJ: Guys, maybe rehab isn't
the answer for me.
- Russ: Dude.
- Jess: You're going to rehab.
AJ: Do I have a private room?
- Russ: Yes.
- AJ: Do I have a private bathroom?
Russ: Yes.
AJ: I wonder if I get a bidet
'cause I like to be clean.
Jess: (Groans) No.
All right, well, what
size pirate is she?
Russ: Uh, I don't have any idea.
She's almost 12, so...
- Jess: She is?
- Russ: Yeah.
- Jess: God.
- Russ: I know.
I think this is the last year that
she's gonna trick-or-treat with us.
Jess: Oh.
Did she have her period yet?
Russ: No, don't, okay?
I don't know. The doctor
said it could be any minute.
Jess: Ooh, you're gonna get those
boobs and pubes in your house.
Russ: Stop it, okay?
I can't even get my head around that.
Jess: Here we go. Look.
You're done. Pirate.
- Russ: What is that?
- Jess: And you're welcome.
- It's a pirate costume.
- Russ: No, it's a sexy pirate.
AJ: It's a slutty pirate.
Russ: I just said she's 12.
That's way too much, Jess.
- AJ: That's a dirty, dirty pirate.
- Jess: I'm sorry, but this is L.A.
This is what kids wear.
AJ: A pirate that dresses like
that has daddy issues.
Russ: Yeah. Why are there no
classy pirate costumes here?
She's just gonna have to be
the bee or the hippie, I guess.
AJ: I just had a thought.
What if Caitlin grows up
to be a slutty pirate?
What if I'm one of these
whore-making dads?
Russ: No. You're...
You're a good dad, okay?
She's gonna be fine.
AJ: Right.
That's why I got to stay home
and I got to take care of my kid,
'cause I'm a good dad.
- Jess: No.
- Russ: No, that's not what I said.
You're gonna go to rehab so that
you can become a better dad.
AJ: Right. A better dad.
- Jess: Yeah.
- AJ: Rehab.
We just got to make a quick stop
at my office first, though.
(Jess groans)
Russ: What?
All right.
You get five minutes, all right?
That's it. I'm serious.
AJ: All right, all right.
Relax, Dad.
I just have to go upstairs and
say good-bye to my work family
and pick up some socks.
(Tapping)
AJ: Hey, Gillian.
Gillian: Hi.
(Pills rattling)
AJ: Ah, they sound comfy.
Gillian: Just like you ordered.
AJ: Yeah.
Gillian: The guy I got them from
said not to wear the socks
on an empty stomach.
AJ: Hey, got to always listen
to the sock man, right?
Gillian: Just be careful.
AJ: Hey, uh, where is everybody?
Richard and Abby are...
They're not in their offices.
Gillian: Um, they are
in the partner meeting.
AJ: Partner meeting?
Gillian: Mm-hmm.
AJ: But I'm one of the partners.
Gillian: I know. It's just...
AJ: So how can they have
a partner meeting
without me, if I'm one of the partners?
That doesn't make any sense.
Gillian: Well, you weren't
coming in today.
AJ: So I'm not one of the
partners anymore, huh?
Gillian: No, of course you are.
AJ: Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
No, you're right! You're right!
I'm a founding partner!
(Whistling)
Gillian: You know, I really don't
think this is such a good idea.
Why don't we just go
to lunch or something.
AJ?
Good luck.
AJ: Hey, guys.
How's it going?
Hey, uh, I got a little something
I want to say to you.
(Muffled): Are you insane?!
Are you out of your minds?!
This... mine, mine, this is all mine!
I started this company!
(Speaking indistinctly)
...on your skulls after
I remove your brains!
(Eva speaking indistinctly)
Lina: Um, you know what, I think,
uh... I think I'm gonna get going.
I'll just see you next time
you're in town.
Eva: Lina, just hang on one s...
- (Phone ringing)
- Uh, I have to get this.
- Lina: Sure.
- Eva: Can you just hang on one second?
Lina: No, it's fine, it's fine.
It was nice to meet you.
Good luck with your, um,
important meeting.
Eva: (Sighs) Hey. I am so sorry.
Look, I'm only in town for
a couple days and I overbooked.
Are you okay?
Lina: (Sniffles) No.
Eva: Should we go get a drink?
Lina: I just gave the guy my ticket.
Eva: I'll take care of it. Come on.
Gillian: Everything's fine.
I shouldn't have called you guys,
uh... I just got scared.
Jess: Why, what happened?
Gillian: The partners had AJ
escorted out of the building.
After everything that he's done
for them, it's so ungrateful.
Right?
Russ: What did he do?
Gillian: Nobody got hurt.
AJ got a tiny bit violent.
- Jess: Uh-huh.
- Gillian: But he wanted me
to tell you guys that rehab can wait,
because things are a little intense
right now with the new firm.
Jess: The new firm?
Gillian: We're starting a new firm.
I mean, AJ is, but I'm helping him.
Jess: Oh, I'm sure you are, sweetie.
That's great.
Gillian: N-No, you guys,
now's really not a good time.
Wait, you guys, um, sorry...
AJ?
Russ: Let's go.
It's time to go. Time to go.
AJ: Gillian, did you explain to them
how busy I am with the new firm?
- Gillian: I tried.
- Russ: Oh, cut the crap.
There is no new firm, okay?
You're going to rehab like you promised.
AJ: Do you have that promise in writing?
- Russ: In a text.
- AJ: Well,
texts are inadmissible.
You know, anybody
can hack that shit, right?
Jess: Oh, my God, you're
such an asshole.
We've been chasing you
around all day, okay?
Russ: You know what,
don't worry about it.
I don't care anymore.
I really don't. I'm over it.
Okay, you don't want to go to rehab?
Don't go, okay?
Who cares that I spent the week
yelping different facilities, okay?
Reading reviews of food
and-and fitness centers.
If you want to screw me over
and Jess and this poor girl who's
probably in love with you, go for it.
AJ: Right. Come on, she's
not in love with me.
Gillian: But you said
you wanted to be with me.
AJ: Yeah. At the new firm.
Gillian: But what about when we...
AJ: Oh, my God, did we have sex?
Gillian: Twice.
AJ: Did you like it?
Gillian: Once.
Jess: Oh, wow.
AJ: Well.
I guess it's, uh...
it's time for somebody
to go to rehab, huh?
Lina: No, I just really
wanted to talk to you
because I can't talk to the
other moms about real stuff.
Eva: Okay, well, what's going on
with you and Russ?
Lina: He hates his job.
He comes home super late
every night and I can tell
that he doesn't want to be around me.
I don't understand it.
Eva: Do you know, sometimes
when I come home at night,
I am such a bitch to Karen.
Lina: Okay, but why?
Eva: I don't know.
I mean, she's taking care of my kids,
she's washing my clothes.
- Lina: Yeah.
- Eva: But sometimes I look at her
and I can't stand her.
Like, all the sacrifices that
she's made for me, I just,
I see them on her face.
It makes me want to slap
the shit out of her.
Lina: Really?
(Eva laughs)
I can tell when I walk through the door.
He looks at me like he wants me
to be his cheerleader or something.
Eva: You know what?
He probably just wants you
to put his dick in your mouth.
(Laughs)
Lina: I'm a terrible wife.
Eva: Hey, stay in the hotel room
with me tonight, come on.
I have an early meeting, but
you can just hang out, get a massage,
charge it to the room.
And then we can really hang out later.
Lina: Yeah, screw it, Russ can
take 'em trick-or-treating.
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Lina: They don't even care about me.
(Eva laughs)
They probably won't even
notice if I'm not there.
Eva: So you'll stay?
- Lina: Happy Halloween.
- Russ: Hey.
- Russ: What are you doing here?
- Lina: Hi, guys.
I thought you were, uh,
spending the night at Eva's.
Lina: Oh, I didn't really
think you could handle
trick-or-treating on your own.
- But I was clearly wrong.
- Russ: Clearly.
Lina: You got the pirate costume.
Not bad.
Ella: Hey, guys, Hannah just texted
and asked if I could go
trick-or-treating with them.
Can I?
All my friends are gonna be there.
Please.
Russ: Uh, sure.
Ella: Really?
Lina: I hope she bleeds right
through that pirate costume tonight.
Russ: Yeah.
Let Hannah's mother find her a tampon.
Lina: And show her how to use it.
Maya: What's a tampon?
Russ: Uh...
It's kind of like a sponge...
that soaks up stuff.
Maya: What stuff?
Frankie: Are we done talking
about tampons?
Lina: How are we gonna
trick-or-treat when the kids are too old?
Russ: We won't.
Lina: Well, what will we do?
Russ: We'll give out candy.
Lina: We're gonna be those
old people giving out candy?
That's depressing.
Frankie: Look what we've got!
Lina: Oh, I want a butterfinger.
Maya: Mom.
Russ: Give your mother a butterfinger...
she does a lot of shit for you.
Now.
Give it.
All right, let's keep going.
Come on.
- Russ: Get something bigger.
- Frankie: We will, Daddy.
Russ: King size.
What was that for?
Lina: Standing up for me.
Russ: Hmm.
Well, in that case...
- Feeling more than just a kiss.
- (Lina laughs)
(Horn honks)
Jess: Am I too late?
Shepard: Just in time.
Ooh, you know what?
Back in the car.
Jess: What?
Shepard: Just wait in the car.
Some neighbors don't hate us yet.
Jess: I look good.
Shepard: Yes, you do.