Married (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 10 - Family Day - full transcript
AJ is paid a visit in rehab.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I went to Bernie's. I thought
maybe we could grab lunch or something.
- He said you went home sick.
- Well, I am sick.
Sick of working at Bernie's.
I hope you feel better.
- Hey, look...
- You know, I get sick of stuff, too.
- I'd love to take a sick day.
- So... let's take one...
Together.
Someone's got to pick up the kids.
Idiot.
S01E10
Family Day
- Oh...
- I can't believe
- you haven't been by to see AJ yet.
- I know, I know, I know.
How's he doing, how's rehab?
I don't know.
I mean, he's AJ, so it is a process.
- So many cool addicts there.
- "Cool addicts"?
You know me, I love that shit.
That's weird
- What's... your problem?
- I'm just...
Lina and I have been fighting
ever since they sold our house.
Oh, shit, they actually
sold that place?
Yeah. To the Russians next door.
Now we're, like, struggling
to find another place to rent.
Oh, God. Looking for places is the ultimate
worst; She must be so stressed out, yeah.
She is, without a doubt,
but I feel like this
is like... an opportunity, you know, to,
like, change things.
Like... what?
Everything... all of it.
I just... I want my life to feel more
like... I don't know.
More adventurous.
I bought this book
about traveling the world
with your family; Just picking up and,
like, leaving town for, like...
Months, years at a time, you know?
And I gave it
to her just to see what she would say,
and she was like,
"we should just table that."
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Well, uh... do you want to smoke weed?
I do, but we can't use the van again;
Lina's tired of explaining
the smell to the kids.
Oh, my God, you're such a pussy.
- When is Jen coming?
- Jen's not coming; We got a new sitter.
- How pretty is she?
- Why does that matter?
- It matters to me.
- It matters to both of us.
- Where are you guys going anyway?
- Uh... we are going to
- visit Uncle AJ in the hospital.
- He's not in the hospital.
I...
He's in a resort for rich people
who take too many drugs.
Why do people take drugs?
Well... uh...
sometimes grown-ups need
to take something to help
them forget that their lives
- didn't turn out the way they wanted.
- Sometimes they just
don't want to face the reality that
they're married with three kids.
- Wait, Uncle AJ has three kids?
- No, your mom was talking about me.
I just don't really understand
why you can't do this by yourself.
Wh-why do I have to go?
Well, because AJ wants us
both to be there for family day.
Right, but we're not family.
Yeah, but it's really just
an opportunity for him
to apologize to all of the
different people that he's hurt.
Really? Where are they holding this
thing, the colosseum?
You know, it's really
one of my favorite parts of rehab,
because it's like when all of the different
weirdos get to be like, "I'm sorry that I
stole your car..." Or, like, "I'm
sorry that I shit in your fish tank..."
Oh... I'm looking
forward to this, now.
If... you give it a chance,
you might actually like it.
- You had me at "fish tank."
- Okay.
- This is amazing.
- Wow.
Wow, we would never be able
to afford a rehab like this.
No, I mean, if one of us needed help,
we would have to just stay on drugs.
Oh, did you get a chance
to look at that I sent you?
Stuff?
Yeah, the link to the guy's blog?
Or the book about the guy who
- travels the world...?
- Yeah, I just have been really busy.
Okay. Never mind.
- AJ!
- H-hey...!
So, Jess says you've
been doing really well.
Yeah? Did she tell you that she's been
here every day?
- So?
- So, she's a rehab junkie.
She's addicted to coming to rehab.
Ever since I checked in here,
- she's been obsessed with my recovery.
- She cares about you, dude.
She's been sending uplifting
texts to other patients.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- I think I found our house.
- Oh, yeah?
Crap, except it only has one and a
half bathrooms.
Which I just don't think is
enough for five people.
How much are the neighbors paying you?
- For what?
- To move.
They have to pay us?
Well, they don't have to, but...
you can make their lives miserable.
We can?
Do you know how hard it is
to evict somebody in California?
If they want you gone,
you kind of have them by the balls.
Oh, my God, here he is, this is my guy.
Dr. Fred, these are my very good friends,
Lina, Russ, Russ, Lina.
Hi. Russ.
Can I steal AJ for a second?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Sure, yeah.
See you guys in a second.
Oh, my God, how great
would it be if we could get
a little extra money for our move?
Maybe we could put it
towards a bigger place.
Yeah, or a bigger move.
- A bigger move?
- Costa Rica.
You want to move to Costa Rica?
- Why not?
- Thewhole family?
Yes! What?
AJ! Hey, man, how's it going? Hey.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm here for family day.
Mm... I thought I told you not to come.
- Oh, I thought you were joking.
- I wasn't. You really piss me off.
Why, what did I do?
Every time you come here,
you make it all about you.
Yesterday you spent an hour
talking to dawn about how your
mother makes you feel guilty
about not being more religious.
- Yeah?
- Dawn was raped by her grandfather.
Well, we've all been abused.
- Okay, look.
- You know, like, everyone has their stuff.
- This is my rehab, not yours.
- All right, well, I'll go home then,
- if that's what you want.
- No, no, no, it's okay,
stay, just... be cool.
All right.
Oh, man.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
You want to move the
whole family to Costa Rica?
Yeah, I do.
We get on a plane and we go down there
- and we stay with Kurt for a bit.
- Who the hell is Kurt?
- The guy who writes the travel blog.
- What travel blog?
The one that I sent you
that you obviously, like, ignored.
No, I got the e-mail that you forwarded
with the link, but I didn't open it.
Oh, that's awesome.
Just like you ignore every
link to every house I need you to look at.
Because we shouldn't
be looking at that stuff.
- I think you're losing your mind.
- I'm not losing my mind.
Kurt is killing it down there.
He, like, opened a cafe.
We could do the same thing...
we could open another surf shop.
Yeah, we could, and we could
send the kids to school with chickens...
- Kurt homeschools his kids.
- Homeschool?
- Yeah, taken care of.
- Seriously?
- Yep.
- I prefer the chickens.
Think about all the cool shit we would do.
I can think of you surfing,
and me spending all day
- at home with all three kids.
- No, you'd be teaching.
There's got to be more. Yes.
Grady's more of, like, a
live-in-the-moment type of guy.
Which one is grady?
Grady is the one who got so drunk
that he jumped off the train
- while it was still moving.
- No, I think that was Glenn.
No, Glenn is the man
that set his neighbor's RV on fire.
Okay, 'cause I get them confused.
Yeah, I know.
There are so many interesting people here.
Okay, well, maybe if I set
fire to something, I'd be interesting.
I don't want you to be interesting.
I like you the way that you are.
Mm. I'm, I'm gonna
pretend like that was a compliment.
Itis a compliment.
I see.
- Hey.
- Hey, guys.
Hi.
Do you know if there's a
Wi-Fi signal anywhere?
I do. There's a really strong
one at the juice bar.
Thank you.
My treat. They make the best smoothies.
I cannot believe
how frustrating this is...
- there are no houses for rent.
- Where are you looking, exactly?
Well, we're kind
of between something in our current
school district or Costa Rica.
Why is that?
Russ. He's having another
one of his freak-outs.
Hmm.
Can I say something?
Maybe it's not a freak-out.
I just don't think that...
I don't think that Russ is happy.
You don't think my husband is happy?
Why? Did he tell you that when
you guys were smoking weed in my van?
He just said that you guys were in a rut.
Well, who gets to be happy all
the time, Jess, you?
I don't know.
I try to have fun.
Well, I guess you're fun and I'm not.
- Lina, that's not... I'm not...
- Forget it.
Pretty swanky, huh?
Yeah. I'd say.
You can see why Jess likes it here so much.
No, no, no, it's not the amenities.
It's she likes the damaged men.
It reminds her of her father.
Wait. Am I one of those damaged men?
Is that why she's friends with me?
Are you just figuring that out now?
Hey... are you serious about moving
to Costa Rica?
Yeah. Very.
Oh. I get it.
I had a Costa Rica, too. Mine was Morocco.
- Never made it.
- Don't you regret that?
Went to Egypt once.
But do you think it's gonna be the
best thing for the kids, truly?
Is it best for them that
their father is miserable all the time?
Works for us.
Okay, um, do you know
- when we're starting the therapy thing?
- Uh, no, I don't. What's the rush?
'Cause I found a house.
It's great. It's in our budget,
it's in a great school district, and...
guess what.
What?
There's three bathrooms.
And they're having an open house today.
Okay. We'll go after therapy.
- No, it will be gone by then.
- I don't care.
- What?
- You don't care about Costa Rica;
I don't care about your third bathroom.
- My third bathroom?
- Should we start?
- Yes. Good to go.
- Let the healing begin!
I would like to thank everyone for
coming here.
Well... not everyone, I guess,
because, uh, everyone isn't here.
I, uh...
asked Roxanne to come,
but she's at a women's
apparel event at Newport beach,
and it's kind of strange that...
this was her suggestion in the first place,
for me to come here...
Maybe we should
focus on the people who are here.
My guy.
- I'll go. I'll go first. I want to.
- Actually, AJ, I would love to go first,
- because we're kind of in a rush.
- No, we're not, actually.
We are. I'm sorry...
Jess can go first if she wants to go first.
- Thank you. I do, I do.
- Of course you do.
What is that? What is with that
attitude? I mean, Jess has come to visit
- you here almost, like, every day.
- 'Cause she gets off on it.
Well, you know what? Even if she does,
it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you.
- Thanks. You get me.
- I would just like to say...
Jess, that I am so sorry
for any inconvenience my addiction
may have caused you.
You aware that "sorry" is not a
sarcastic word?
Growing up in my house, it was.
Sorry.
Shep... Jess...
I know I can be a handful at times
and I am not always the most punctual.
I dinged your car that one time, and, uh,
I'm sorry that I, uh, left you that
little surprise in your guest bathroom.
AJ, I am so sorry,
I love you, but I need to go.
Wait, no, no, I haven't
apologized yet.
I forgive you.
No. No, no, no, no.
That's not how this works.
You don't forgive me
before I apologize, all right?
That's putting the cart before the horse,
and that's...
- Russ, let's go.
- No.
No, no, no, you can't take him.
If you really want to leave,
we can give you a ride home.
He's not going home
with you, he's coming with me.
Hey, you know what?
You're being a little bit controlling,
- and this isn't about you.
- Don't.
- Don't what?
- Don't say shit, or I will go.
I am not afraid of you, Lina.
Please, bring it on.
Okay, fine. I think you need to
spend a little more time worrying
about your own marriage
and be less involved in mine.
- Meaning what?
- Meaning that your husband eats dinner
alone every night with the nanny,
and your son only speaks spanish.
Uh... spanish,
- it's a beautiful language, Spanish.
- I wish I knew how to speak spanish.
You should come down to Costa Rica with
us and then we could all speak spanish.
Just let it go, man. She's not gonna
want to bang you in Costa Rica, either...
- she flat... out does not want to do it.
- I think you can stop now.
- And she doesn't even...
- No, it's okay.
She's right, she's right. I am not
gonna change, no matter where I live.
So, honey, I don't think it's a
different country that you want.
I think it's a different person.
- Oh, please.
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey,
I am the one who is addicted
to drugs and alcohol here, okay.
Can we please bring it back to me?
You want to know what I'm sorry about?
That I invited you assholes
here in the first place.
I love family day.
Hey. Good morning.
- I read your book.
- What book?
About the idiot who makes
his whole entire family
travel around the world with him.
- Oh, you did?
- You've been pulling out of my nightstand
and putting my pillow ever single night.
Yeah.
That's awesome. Okay. And?
Thought it was well-written.
But the part in Iceland, I thought...
- was really scary.
- Uh-huh.
Right?
- Yeah.
- I mean, that's what I'm worried about,
you know?
- Yeah, that was terrifying.
- What part of it?
The same part.
When they do that, uh...
They, you know...
The part where the... The scary part where
they do... They go through the thing.
Holy shit.
You didn't even finish it, did you?
I finished some of it. I'm not a reader.
You're not a planner, either.
You know if we do this,
I am gonna end up doing everything.
I'm gonna have to find a house and
find a school and find a pediatrician.
- That's not true.
- Yeah, it is, yes.
I would do some of that stuff.
No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't.
You're better at it than I am.
I could carry the luggage.
- You could carry the luggage.
- So what do you think?
- I mean...
- I think, um...
Are you... into it?
No, I wouldn't say I'm into it.
I'm... open to it.
You wouldn't have brought
this up if there wasn't.
I'm a little bit into it.
It'll be so good.
- Hey.
- Hey! There he is.
- Good to see you, man.
- Good to see you.
Hey, look... I got my weekends back.
Hi, Caitlin.
You're looking good, man.
- Thanks. I'm running again.
- Nice.
- Cool.
- You ever hear of the runner's high?
Yeah. How is that?
Not as good, man. Not as good.
Tomato time?
What do you think?
So it looklike you guys are staying put.
Yeah. The new owners
decided they want to wait a while to build,
so we can stay for now.
- We're on a month-to-month.
- That's good, yeah?
Mm-hmm, yeah, it is good.
And every night after we put
the girls to bed, Russ and I stay up
and go online and plan
our escape to Costca Rica.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
- I get it.
- What about some nap time?
I'm gonna tuck him in with this tomato.
- Yo.
- You made 'em too small.
- No, I did not.
- Are you having another hamburger?
- Okay, first of all, it's a slider.
- No.
- Second of all, shut up.
- He's trying to eat his
- way out of our marriage.
- I heard that.
I know you did. Maybe just try
not to die before the Bar Mitzvah.
No, no, no, no.
- I got it all planned out.
- Hmm.
What, the bar mitzvah?
- No. My death.
- Nobody wants to hear about your death.
Oh, you know, she just wants
to hear about the insurance.
- I would like to hear about your death.
- I want to hear about your death.
Yeah, I freaking love death fantasies.
All right, well, here's what's
gonna happen.
You know, uh, leaving Las Vegas
when Nick Cage goes to Vegas,
and he drinks himself to death?
- Yeah.
- So,
mine is like that, but instead of Vegas,
I go to Memphis,
and instead of booze,
it's brisket. But the idea is the same.
- Okay, that's good.
- Good stuff.
Everything in moderation.
- Yeah, I'm gonna od old school.
- Oh, yeah?
The kids come in, they find
mommy choking on her own vomit. Done.
- Good times.
- Yeah, it's kind of glamorous in a way.
- Rock and roll.
- So sweet, honey.
You just said "kids," more than one.
I did. We're trying.
- Oh, that's good.
- Yeah, you know, I was thinking,
now when you judge me
for being a bad mother,
you can make me feel twice as shitty.
Okay, all right.
- I'm doing it for you.
- Thank you.
I'm doing it for you.
- That's really considerate.
- Yeah.
You are never going to let
me forget that, are you?
No.
Yeah, I bet AJ's got
a good death story. AJ?
- Oh. Oh. You think so?
- Yeah.
- I'll hear it.
- Oh, I do.
It's gonna be good.
So, I'm running in the canyon the other
day, and I see this giant,
gigantic pile of horseshit.
- Mm.
- Must have been a 30-pound dump.
And I think to myself,
how great would it be to be responsible
for something that substantial, right?
Wait. So, what's the death part, then?
I shit my brains out. Literally.
Annot just mbrains. All of my vital organs,
liver, kidneys, heart, you name it.
Everything that is inside of me
comes out of me.
- I mean, how cool would that be?
- Mm.
For one split second to see
your beating heart in the toilet.
And then you die with a smile
on your face, because you know
you finally did something meaningful.
Okay, um, I don't want this anymore.
That is gonna be, uh,
tough to follow.
- Impossible.
- What about you, babe?
- Me?
- Yeah, let's hear it.
All right, well, the
girls are gone, they're in college,
they're good. No one's pregnant,
no one's working the pole. Cheers.
Um, we sell the house, and we...
- Uh, wait. What house?
- It's my fantasy.
- In my fantasy, we own a house.
- Oh, all right.
Okay? We sell the house,
and travel the whole world.
And we see all the places
together that we always
talked about seeing.
And then, when we're done,
- murder, suicide.
- Ah.
- That's kind of perfect.
- You want to die together?
Baby, there's no
one I want to die next to but you.
Oh, you're the only person
I want to be murdered by.
That's so sweet.
It's great. You guys are so cute.
How come you never offered murder me?
Anyone want to know how I want to die?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Choke yourself to death.
- Necktie?
- What's that?
Sex accident.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay. No.
Choking during sex.
Sex accident... yeah, yeah, that's good.
- Sex accident. Sex accident.
- Can I change mine?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I went to Bernie's. I thought
maybe we could grab lunch or something.
- He said you went home sick.
- Well, I am sick.
Sick of working at Bernie's.
I hope you feel better.
- Hey, look...
- You know, I get sick of stuff, too.
- I'd love to take a sick day.
- So... let's take one...
Together.
Someone's got to pick up the kids.
Idiot.
S01E10
Family Day
- Oh...
- I can't believe
- you haven't been by to see AJ yet.
- I know, I know, I know.
How's he doing, how's rehab?
I don't know.
I mean, he's AJ, so it is a process.
- So many cool addicts there.
- "Cool addicts"?
You know me, I love that shit.
That's weird
- What's... your problem?
- I'm just...
Lina and I have been fighting
ever since they sold our house.
Oh, shit, they actually
sold that place?
Yeah. To the Russians next door.
Now we're, like, struggling
to find another place to rent.
Oh, God. Looking for places is the ultimate
worst; She must be so stressed out, yeah.
She is, without a doubt,
but I feel like this
is like... an opportunity, you know, to,
like, change things.
Like... what?
Everything... all of it.
I just... I want my life to feel more
like... I don't know.
More adventurous.
I bought this book
about traveling the world
with your family; Just picking up and,
like, leaving town for, like...
Months, years at a time, you know?
And I gave it
to her just to see what she would say,
and she was like,
"we should just table that."
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Well, uh... do you want to smoke weed?
I do, but we can't use the van again;
Lina's tired of explaining
the smell to the kids.
Oh, my God, you're such a pussy.
- When is Jen coming?
- Jen's not coming; We got a new sitter.
- How pretty is she?
- Why does that matter?
- It matters to me.
- It matters to both of us.
- Where are you guys going anyway?
- Uh... we are going to
- visit Uncle AJ in the hospital.
- He's not in the hospital.
I...
He's in a resort for rich people
who take too many drugs.
Why do people take drugs?
Well... uh...
sometimes grown-ups need
to take something to help
them forget that their lives
- didn't turn out the way they wanted.
- Sometimes they just
don't want to face the reality that
they're married with three kids.
- Wait, Uncle AJ has three kids?
- No, your mom was talking about me.
I just don't really understand
why you can't do this by yourself.
Wh-why do I have to go?
Well, because AJ wants us
both to be there for family day.
Right, but we're not family.
Yeah, but it's really just
an opportunity for him
to apologize to all of the
different people that he's hurt.
Really? Where are they holding this
thing, the colosseum?
You know, it's really
one of my favorite parts of rehab,
because it's like when all of the different
weirdos get to be like, "I'm sorry that I
stole your car..." Or, like, "I'm
sorry that I shit in your fish tank..."
Oh... I'm looking
forward to this, now.
If... you give it a chance,
you might actually like it.
- You had me at "fish tank."
- Okay.
- This is amazing.
- Wow.
Wow, we would never be able
to afford a rehab like this.
No, I mean, if one of us needed help,
we would have to just stay on drugs.
Oh, did you get a chance
to look at that I sent you?
Stuff?
Yeah, the link to the guy's blog?
Or the book about the guy who
- travels the world...?
- Yeah, I just have been really busy.
Okay. Never mind.
- AJ!
- H-hey...!
So, Jess says you've
been doing really well.
Yeah? Did she tell you that she's been
here every day?
- So?
- So, she's a rehab junkie.
She's addicted to coming to rehab.
Ever since I checked in here,
- she's been obsessed with my recovery.
- She cares about you, dude.
She's been sending uplifting
texts to other patients.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- I think I found our house.
- Oh, yeah?
Crap, except it only has one and a
half bathrooms.
Which I just don't think is
enough for five people.
How much are the neighbors paying you?
- For what?
- To move.
They have to pay us?
Well, they don't have to, but...
you can make their lives miserable.
We can?
Do you know how hard it is
to evict somebody in California?
If they want you gone,
you kind of have them by the balls.
Oh, my God, here he is, this is my guy.
Dr. Fred, these are my very good friends,
Lina, Russ, Russ, Lina.
Hi. Russ.
Can I steal AJ for a second?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Sure, yeah.
See you guys in a second.
Oh, my God, how great
would it be if we could get
a little extra money for our move?
Maybe we could put it
towards a bigger place.
Yeah, or a bigger move.
- A bigger move?
- Costa Rica.
You want to move to Costa Rica?
- Why not?
- Thewhole family?
Yes! What?
AJ! Hey, man, how's it going? Hey.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm here for family day.
Mm... I thought I told you not to come.
- Oh, I thought you were joking.
- I wasn't. You really piss me off.
Why, what did I do?
Every time you come here,
you make it all about you.
Yesterday you spent an hour
talking to dawn about how your
mother makes you feel guilty
about not being more religious.
- Yeah?
- Dawn was raped by her grandfather.
Well, we've all been abused.
- Okay, look.
- You know, like, everyone has their stuff.
- This is my rehab, not yours.
- All right, well, I'll go home then,
- if that's what you want.
- No, no, no, it's okay,
stay, just... be cool.
All right.
Oh, man.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
You want to move the
whole family to Costa Rica?
Yeah, I do.
We get on a plane and we go down there
- and we stay with Kurt for a bit.
- Who the hell is Kurt?
- The guy who writes the travel blog.
- What travel blog?
The one that I sent you
that you obviously, like, ignored.
No, I got the e-mail that you forwarded
with the link, but I didn't open it.
Oh, that's awesome.
Just like you ignore every
link to every house I need you to look at.
Because we shouldn't
be looking at that stuff.
- I think you're losing your mind.
- I'm not losing my mind.
Kurt is killing it down there.
He, like, opened a cafe.
We could do the same thing...
we could open another surf shop.
Yeah, we could, and we could
send the kids to school with chickens...
- Kurt homeschools his kids.
- Homeschool?
- Yeah, taken care of.
- Seriously?
- Yep.
- I prefer the chickens.
Think about all the cool shit we would do.
I can think of you surfing,
and me spending all day
- at home with all three kids.
- No, you'd be teaching.
There's got to be more. Yes.
Grady's more of, like, a
live-in-the-moment type of guy.
Which one is grady?
Grady is the one who got so drunk
that he jumped off the train
- while it was still moving.
- No, I think that was Glenn.
No, Glenn is the man
that set his neighbor's RV on fire.
Okay, 'cause I get them confused.
Yeah, I know.
There are so many interesting people here.
Okay, well, maybe if I set
fire to something, I'd be interesting.
I don't want you to be interesting.
I like you the way that you are.
Mm. I'm, I'm gonna
pretend like that was a compliment.
Itis a compliment.
I see.
- Hey.
- Hey, guys.
Hi.
Do you know if there's a
Wi-Fi signal anywhere?
I do. There's a really strong
one at the juice bar.
Thank you.
My treat. They make the best smoothies.
I cannot believe
how frustrating this is...
- there are no houses for rent.
- Where are you looking, exactly?
Well, we're kind
of between something in our current
school district or Costa Rica.
Why is that?
Russ. He's having another
one of his freak-outs.
Hmm.
Can I say something?
Maybe it's not a freak-out.
I just don't think that...
I don't think that Russ is happy.
You don't think my husband is happy?
Why? Did he tell you that when
you guys were smoking weed in my van?
He just said that you guys were in a rut.
Well, who gets to be happy all
the time, Jess, you?
I don't know.
I try to have fun.
Well, I guess you're fun and I'm not.
- Lina, that's not... I'm not...
- Forget it.
Pretty swanky, huh?
Yeah. I'd say.
You can see why Jess likes it here so much.
No, no, no, it's not the amenities.
It's she likes the damaged men.
It reminds her of her father.
Wait. Am I one of those damaged men?
Is that why she's friends with me?
Are you just figuring that out now?
Hey... are you serious about moving
to Costa Rica?
Yeah. Very.
Oh. I get it.
I had a Costa Rica, too. Mine was Morocco.
- Never made it.
- Don't you regret that?
Went to Egypt once.
But do you think it's gonna be the
best thing for the kids, truly?
Is it best for them that
their father is miserable all the time?
Works for us.
Okay, um, do you know
- when we're starting the therapy thing?
- Uh, no, I don't. What's the rush?
'Cause I found a house.
It's great. It's in our budget,
it's in a great school district, and...
guess what.
What?
There's three bathrooms.
And they're having an open house today.
Okay. We'll go after therapy.
- No, it will be gone by then.
- I don't care.
- What?
- You don't care about Costa Rica;
I don't care about your third bathroom.
- My third bathroom?
- Should we start?
- Yes. Good to go.
- Let the healing begin!
I would like to thank everyone for
coming here.
Well... not everyone, I guess,
because, uh, everyone isn't here.
I, uh...
asked Roxanne to come,
but she's at a women's
apparel event at Newport beach,
and it's kind of strange that...
this was her suggestion in the first place,
for me to come here...
Maybe we should
focus on the people who are here.
My guy.
- I'll go. I'll go first. I want to.
- Actually, AJ, I would love to go first,
- because we're kind of in a rush.
- No, we're not, actually.
We are. I'm sorry...
Jess can go first if she wants to go first.
- Thank you. I do, I do.
- Of course you do.
What is that? What is with that
attitude? I mean, Jess has come to visit
- you here almost, like, every day.
- 'Cause she gets off on it.
Well, you know what? Even if she does,
it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you.
- Thanks. You get me.
- I would just like to say...
Jess, that I am so sorry
for any inconvenience my addiction
may have caused you.
You aware that "sorry" is not a
sarcastic word?
Growing up in my house, it was.
Sorry.
Shep... Jess...
I know I can be a handful at times
and I am not always the most punctual.
I dinged your car that one time, and, uh,
I'm sorry that I, uh, left you that
little surprise in your guest bathroom.
AJ, I am so sorry,
I love you, but I need to go.
Wait, no, no, I haven't
apologized yet.
I forgive you.
No. No, no, no, no.
That's not how this works.
You don't forgive me
before I apologize, all right?
That's putting the cart before the horse,
and that's...
- Russ, let's go.
- No.
No, no, no, you can't take him.
If you really want to leave,
we can give you a ride home.
He's not going home
with you, he's coming with me.
Hey, you know what?
You're being a little bit controlling,
- and this isn't about you.
- Don't.
- Don't what?
- Don't say shit, or I will go.
I am not afraid of you, Lina.
Please, bring it on.
Okay, fine. I think you need to
spend a little more time worrying
about your own marriage
and be less involved in mine.
- Meaning what?
- Meaning that your husband eats dinner
alone every night with the nanny,
and your son only speaks spanish.
Uh... spanish,
- it's a beautiful language, Spanish.
- I wish I knew how to speak spanish.
You should come down to Costa Rica with
us and then we could all speak spanish.
Just let it go, man. She's not gonna
want to bang you in Costa Rica, either...
- she flat... out does not want to do it.
- I think you can stop now.
- And she doesn't even...
- No, it's okay.
She's right, she's right. I am not
gonna change, no matter where I live.
So, honey, I don't think it's a
different country that you want.
I think it's a different person.
- Oh, please.
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey,
I am the one who is addicted
to drugs and alcohol here, okay.
Can we please bring it back to me?
You want to know what I'm sorry about?
That I invited you assholes
here in the first place.
I love family day.
Hey. Good morning.
- I read your book.
- What book?
About the idiot who makes
his whole entire family
travel around the world with him.
- Oh, you did?
- You've been pulling out of my nightstand
and putting my pillow ever single night.
Yeah.
That's awesome. Okay. And?
Thought it was well-written.
But the part in Iceland, I thought...
- was really scary.
- Uh-huh.
Right?
- Yeah.
- I mean, that's what I'm worried about,
you know?
- Yeah, that was terrifying.
- What part of it?
The same part.
When they do that, uh...
They, you know...
The part where the... The scary part where
they do... They go through the thing.
Holy shit.
You didn't even finish it, did you?
I finished some of it. I'm not a reader.
You're not a planner, either.
You know if we do this,
I am gonna end up doing everything.
I'm gonna have to find a house and
find a school and find a pediatrician.
- That's not true.
- Yeah, it is, yes.
I would do some of that stuff.
No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't.
You're better at it than I am.
I could carry the luggage.
- You could carry the luggage.
- So what do you think?
- I mean...
- I think, um...
Are you... into it?
No, I wouldn't say I'm into it.
I'm... open to it.
You wouldn't have brought
this up if there wasn't.
I'm a little bit into it.
It'll be so good.
- Hey.
- Hey! There he is.
- Good to see you, man.
- Good to see you.
Hey, look... I got my weekends back.
Hi, Caitlin.
You're looking good, man.
- Thanks. I'm running again.
- Nice.
- Cool.
- You ever hear of the runner's high?
Yeah. How is that?
Not as good, man. Not as good.
Tomato time?
What do you think?
So it looklike you guys are staying put.
Yeah. The new owners
decided they want to wait a while to build,
so we can stay for now.
- We're on a month-to-month.
- That's good, yeah?
Mm-hmm, yeah, it is good.
And every night after we put
the girls to bed, Russ and I stay up
and go online and plan
our escape to Costca Rica.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
- I get it.
- What about some nap time?
I'm gonna tuck him in with this tomato.
- Yo.
- You made 'em too small.
- No, I did not.
- Are you having another hamburger?
- Okay, first of all, it's a slider.
- No.
- Second of all, shut up.
- He's trying to eat his
- way out of our marriage.
- I heard that.
I know you did. Maybe just try
not to die before the Bar Mitzvah.
No, no, no, no.
- I got it all planned out.
- Hmm.
What, the bar mitzvah?
- No. My death.
- Nobody wants to hear about your death.
Oh, you know, she just wants
to hear about the insurance.
- I would like to hear about your death.
- I want to hear about your death.
Yeah, I freaking love death fantasies.
All right, well, here's what's
gonna happen.
You know, uh, leaving Las Vegas
when Nick Cage goes to Vegas,
and he drinks himself to death?
- Yeah.
- So,
mine is like that, but instead of Vegas,
I go to Memphis,
and instead of booze,
it's brisket. But the idea is the same.
- Okay, that's good.
- Good stuff.
Everything in moderation.
- Yeah, I'm gonna od old school.
- Oh, yeah?
The kids come in, they find
mommy choking on her own vomit. Done.
- Good times.
- Yeah, it's kind of glamorous in a way.
- Rock and roll.
- So sweet, honey.
You just said "kids," more than one.
I did. We're trying.
- Oh, that's good.
- Yeah, you know, I was thinking,
now when you judge me
for being a bad mother,
you can make me feel twice as shitty.
Okay, all right.
- I'm doing it for you.
- Thank you.
I'm doing it for you.
- That's really considerate.
- Yeah.
You are never going to let
me forget that, are you?
No.
Yeah, I bet AJ's got
a good death story. AJ?
- Oh. Oh. You think so?
- Yeah.
- I'll hear it.
- Oh, I do.
It's gonna be good.
So, I'm running in the canyon the other
day, and I see this giant,
gigantic pile of horseshit.
- Mm.
- Must have been a 30-pound dump.
And I think to myself,
how great would it be to be responsible
for something that substantial, right?
Wait. So, what's the death part, then?
I shit my brains out. Literally.
Annot just mbrains. All of my vital organs,
liver, kidneys, heart, you name it.
Everything that is inside of me
comes out of me.
- I mean, how cool would that be?
- Mm.
For one split second to see
your beating heart in the toilet.
And then you die with a smile
on your face, because you know
you finally did something meaningful.
Okay, um, I don't want this anymore.
That is gonna be, uh,
tough to follow.
- Impossible.
- What about you, babe?
- Me?
- Yeah, let's hear it.
All right, well, the
girls are gone, they're in college,
they're good. No one's pregnant,
no one's working the pole. Cheers.
Um, we sell the house, and we...
- Uh, wait. What house?
- It's my fantasy.
- In my fantasy, we own a house.
- Oh, all right.
Okay? We sell the house,
and travel the whole world.
And we see all the places
together that we always
talked about seeing.
And then, when we're done,
- murder, suicide.
- Ah.
- That's kind of perfect.
- You want to die together?
Baby, there's no
one I want to die next to but you.
Oh, you're the only person
I want to be murdered by.
That's so sweet.
It's great. You guys are so cute.
How come you never offered murder me?
Anyone want to know how I want to die?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Choke yourself to death.
- Necktie?
- What's that?
Sex accident.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay. No.
Choking during sex.
Sex accident... yeah, yeah, that's good.
- Sex accident. Sex accident.
- Can I change mine?