Man with a Plan (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Two Tickets to Paradise - full transcript

Okay, guys. Let's hurry
up, 'cause we're running

- a little bit late this morning.
- No mustard on mine.

No special orders, no substitutions.

This is a school lunch;
it's not supposed to be good.

ANDI: I'm gonna be late for work.

Let's finish those lunches, huh?

Okay, apple, apple,

apple.

Cheese, cheese, cheese.

Teddy doesn't like cheese.

No substitutions.



All right, babies,

let's go. Love you.

Kiss, kiss,

- kiss, squeeze.
- Ooh.

How 'bout a kiss?

No substitutions.

(chuckles)

Hey, there he is, Big Don.

Want to guess what's in my pocket?

Oh, that feels like a game
you should play with your wife,

not your brother.

Well, now you're making it weird.

Well, I think you made it weird.

Okay, forget my pocket, listen up.



You know our kitchen
remodel on Broad Street?

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I helped the owner

get his old T-Bird running.

He was so grateful, he gave me these.

Those look like Steelers tickets.

Yep, they are. For this Sunday.

50-yard-line seats,

section 134, seats 1 and 2.

That's on the aisle!

I know!

I'm not sure you do, Adam.

When I imagine heaven, one
of the necessary elements

is convenient access to a john.

I don't think you're gonna
need a toilet in heaven.

Okay, I don't want to get
into a religious argument

with you right now.

I think you're about to do

something really fantastic for me.

Okay, well, since
Andi went back to work,

I've been really busy with kid stuff

and you have really picked
up the slack around here.

Hey, I'm happy to do it.

Well, I want to say thank
you by taking you to the game.

(gasps): Oh.

(chuckles): Oh.

We've never had seats this good.

You've outdone yourself, little brother.

Oh, this is gonna be great.

And I say, if we make
it on the kiss-cam,

we go for it, give the people a show.

You know, this almost makes
me regret when you were a baby,

and I took you to the pound
to try to trade you for a dog.

Now, why did you think that would work?

You were a very hairy baby.

All right, Emme,

you got blackjack!

That pays three cookies to two.

- Gambling is the best.
- (chuckles): Yeah.

Yeah, all right, Katie, what do you bet?

I fold.

Teddy ate all my chips.

- ADAM: Hi.
- Hey.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hey, Mom.

Hi, munchkins. What's going on?

Daddy's teaching us blackjack
in case we need a plan B in life.

All right, kiddos,
upstairs, do your homework.

Huh. Look at you.

We've had this seismic
shift in our life,

and you're just handling it.

Hmm. (chuckles)

- You know what it makes me realize?
- What's that?

How little you were doing before.

Yeah, I was... I was
getting away with murder.

(chuckles)

- Hey, you know what I just realized?
- What?

We're alone.

Yeah, we actually get to
just hang out for a minute.

- When was the last time we did that?
- We hang out.

We brushed our teeth
together this morning.

It was adorable.

Oh, you know what I mean.

I just feel like ever
since I went back to work,

I'm going out one door,
you're coming in the other.

I just want to make sure we
keep the romantic spark alive.

(chuckles): Oh, I have got spark.

Too much spark, according to
you, at 2:00 in the morning.

- Hmm?
- Okay, but I'm talking about romance.

- You know, I miss you.
- Oh.

- What's this?
- What?

- (gasps)
- Oh.

- Oh, my God. Steelers tickets?
- Yeah.

- Listen to this.
- You got these for us?

Well...

Because our first date
was at a Steelers game.

Oh, you missed me, too.

Okay, sure, but...

Wait. And you remembered

that Sunday is the 17th anniversary

of that incredible day,
and you got us these?

Apparently.

Why do I ever think I have
to say anything to you?

You're nothing but sparks.

Yeah.

Hey, do you remember
how our first date ended?

Yeah, yeah, you said

nice girls don't go all
the way in pickup trucks.

Boy, did I misjudge you.

Okay, well, um, nice girls don't,

but, um, married girls do.

- Mm.
- Come on.

- Right now?
- Right now.

- In the truck?
- In the truck.

I am so glad I got us those tickets.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wow, it's so calm this morning.

- Did you already make lunches?
- Nope.

I signed them up for hot lunch.

Hey, kids, I hope you like,
uh... eggplant goulash.

Okay, I got to go. I
love you. I love you.

I love you. Hey, follow me.

After that truck thing,
I'll follow you anywhere.

I just wanted to say that
yesterday was very romantic.

And I'm confident I'm gonna
be feeling the same way

when I get home tonight... Mr. Sparky.

I'm not sure about the new
nickname, but, uh, I am in.

- (knocking on door)
- Yeah.

Hey, there you are!

I got a surprise for you.

Oh, are you two in the
middle of something?

- Well...
- No, no.

Adam was just walking me to the door

because he's the most
romantic husband in the world.

You would not believe what
he surprised me with. He...

Okay, no time for small talk. Bye-bye!

- What are you...?
- Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Okay, okay, she was
confused for a minute,

- but she's leaving.
- Oh.

Okay, listen, I got to talk
to you about the Steelers game.

- That's why I'm here!
- Oh.

Let me do mine first. It's better.

- (sighs)
- I ordered us,

via next day air...

which you know I hate to pay for...

vintage 1976 Steelers jerseys.

A little thank you for
taking me to the game.

Wow.

Yeah.

I don't know what to say.

Well, I'll say it. I'm a good guy.

You are.

And you're a good guy, too.

Eh. Not...

No, no, no, no, it means a lot.

We grew up watching the
Steelers. It's our thing.

Is it?

And is it

exclusively our thing?

- (mutters)
- I mean, you know,

you could've easily invited
Andi, but who'd you pick?

- Me.
- Mm.

You know, I'm not much for
physical displays of affection,

- but I'm gonna give you one of these.
- Well...

Wow. Three pats?

That's two more than my wedding day.

Don't tell the guys at work about this.

I don't want them to think I'm a sissy.

Oh...

KIDS: Bye, Dad!

ADAM: Bye!

Uh... (mutters)

Hmm. Where are you going, Mr. Burns?

There's a parent education
seminar this morning.

Oh, well, listen, not only do I have

a pressing family
situation I need to handle,

I don't want to go to that.

So, what, are you
just gonna stare at me?

You think that's gonna intimidate me?

Well, we'll find out after the seminar.

Adam! Adam!

I saved you a seat. Right here. Adam.

Hey, Marie.

I don't know if you heard,
but Lowell saved you a seat.

Yeah. Thanks.

MRS. RODRIGUEZ: Welcome parents.

Today's topic will be: "How
to stop playground bullying."

Before we begin, I'd like to apologize

for the lack of refreshments.

If you have any
complaints, please feel free

to direct them to your
room parent, Mr. Burns.

Okay, I got a question.

All right?

What has happened in society

that we can't go 30
minutes without a water?

Huh?

We don't need water.

What we need is a way
to tunnel out of here!

You done, Mr. Burns?

Yeah, I've said my piece.

So as you continue to workshop scenarios

in your smaller groups,
remember the watch word

for when your child feels bullied:

"Stand up, Talk, Depart."

STD.

All right?

Let's just call it
"Stand up, Talk, Depart."

Yeah, bullying is the worst.

(quietly): Okay, so now I got two people

who think they're going
to the game with me.

If they run into each other
again, this whole thing

is gonna blow up in my face...

said that bully to me.

You know you got to take
your wife to the game.

I fed my kids Chips Ahoy! for
breakfast, and even I know that.

No. I know, I know.

Now I just got to get to
work and break it to Don.

Question is: how do I get out of here?

This is tough.

I mean, if it were
me, I would ask myself,

"What would Adam do?" but you're Adam.

And you don't know.

It might be unknowable.

You guys are so cute together.

Marie, it doesn't sound
like you're talking about

what you're supposed
to be talking about.

Excuse, Mrs. Rodriguez.

I think you're bullying my good friend.

So I will stand up...

talk... and depart.

That's right... I just gave you an STD.

- Andi.
- Hey.

And Don. (laughs)

What a heart-stopping surprise.

What are you two unlikely buddies up to?

Oh, just gabbing...

about you taking Andi
to the Steelers game.

What a lucky girl.

I sure wish someone would
invite me to a Steelers game.

You know, it's strange.
I wish it so much it,

it seems like it actually happened.

I just wanted to bring

my romantic husband a romantic
sausage and pepper for lunch.

Oh. So you're still happy with me?

- Um, I brought you a sausage and pepper.
- Oh. (laughs)

Okay, I got to get back to the hospital.

Everybody thinks

- I'm in the bathroom, so...
- Oh.

Love you.

Okay. Love you, too.

You're the best wife ever!

You remember that if
something should come up later.

(sighs)

You want my sandwich?

Not even sausage can fix this.

I'm still taking it.

I'm sorry. And thanks
for not telling Andi

I invited you to the game first.

It's called loyalty.

Something you should have a
little less of with your wife.

But this is just a small obstacle.

We can still save this;
just make up a reason

why I have to go to
the game instead of her.

I don't want to lie to my wife.

I did it once already;
that's bad enough.

Eh, that's where you're wrong.

Once you lie to your wife,

the only way out is to double down.

Like with me and Marcy...
if I have to lie to her,

I don't stop at just one.

I layer it... lie upon lie.

Like a delicious lasagna of deception.

All right, look, Andi thinks

we don't spend enough
time together, okay?

She saw the tickets,
she got all excited.

I had no choice. I had to invite her.

You know, I'd hate to bring up the fact

that while you've been
off making cupcakes

for kindergarten, I've
had your back here.

I don't think you hated
to bring that up at all.

You're right. I loved it.

Okay... bottom line, I'm taking Andi.

Okay. I guess that's par for the course.

- What does that mean?
- It's a golf expression.

That means it's normal
for you to screw me over.

Oh. Come on, Don, it's just one game.

We'll go to another game.

It's more than one game; it's a pattern.

It's like when Andi went back to work.

You changed everything up.
You're hardly ever here.

You didn't even think about
how it would affect me.

You said you were happy to do it.

Because you were giving
me Steelers tickets.

Okay, you know what?

Don't call me anymore.

I'm blocking your number.

Well...

we run a business together.

Then I'll block it after business hours.

All right, so... so you're
gonna unblock me every morning,

and then block me again every night?

Yes. I will learn how to block calls.

And do it twice daily for
the foreseeable future.

That's how angry I am.

Okay, kids are all dropped
off at their playdates.

Let's go to the game.

Hey, why aren't you
wearing your Steelers jersey

that you never wash
because it "totally affects

the outcome of the game"?

(sighs): Uh...

listen, honey, I got
to tell you something,

and it might make you mad, but...

I think I got to take Don to the game.

What? Why?

Well, he hasn't talked
to me in three days.

He's all bent out of shape
because of all the extra stuff

he's been doing for me
since you went back to work,

and I think... I think
if I take him to the game,

he might forgive me.

You know what? Maybe you're right.

Now, hold on, just
hear me out. I... wait.

What did you say?

Well, we never thought about
how this would affect him.

We just went off and did it. So...

yeah, you should take him to the game.

So just to be clear...

I go to the game with Don,
and he's not mad at me anymore;

you don't go to the game,
and you're also not mad at me?

Right.

And I'm not dreaming?

Oh, honey, I can't believe

you've been carrying
this around so long.

You know that if we're
honest with each other,

we can just work this stuff out.

Yeah.

You're right.

I do feel better.

Good.

But there is one tiny
thing I haven't mentioned.

(chuckles)

Babe... you were thoughtful enough

to buy us Steelers tickets
for our anniversary.

Right?

Nothing you say can ruin that.

(chuckles nervously)

You know what, maybe it can
wait till after the game.

Are you sure? It might
feel better to say it now.

- I don't think so.
- Okay.

Well, this is actually good.

I mean, the kids need
new clothes, and...

since I went back to work, I
kind of miss buying tiny shoes.

- All right, well, go call Don.
- I can't.

I'll have to go over there.

He blocked my number!

Oh, hey, Marcy. I'm looking for Don.

I'm taking him to the
Steelers game. Where is he?

Oh, he's supposedly at
a Steelers game with you.

He left an hour ago, said
you guys were tailgating,

but, um... you're not there.

Okay, good-bye.

Whoa, whoa.

Hold on a second.

Why aren't you at the game?

W-We are.

Well, Don is.

But we forgot charcoal.

So I left Don

at the stadium, and I
came here to get some.

But that was dumb. (chuckles)

What are you doing?

Just regretting certain choices.

Like coming here. (chuckles)

You look great, by the way.

Those angry lines in your
forehead, very becoming.

- Okay, good-bye.
- Oh.

(panting): Don! There you are.

You got to unblock me.

Okay, I'm gonna say this fast.

Andi said I could take you to the game.

- What?!
- Yeah. So let's get going.

I'll tell you the part you
might not like in the car.

- (phone rings)
- Okay. Oh, oh-oh.

Hey, Marcy.

Yeah, I'm here at the game with Adam.

Say "charcoal," say "charcoal"!

He came over to the house?

Charcoal. Charcoal!

Oh...

oh, oh, is that right, Marcy?

You think I'm lying? Prove it.

Hello, Don.

She tailed you.

Sloppy.

Sloppy Adam.

Why do you have to lie, Don?

Okay, yes, I've made
mistakes in the past,

but the fact is, today
is all Adam's fault.

- Come on, man!
- See, I had to lie to you,

because Adam lied to Andi,

so I had to cover for him
to protect my baby brother.

So you started this?

You know, I always thought

you were the good brother,
the honest, dependable one.

A little boring, yes, but at
least you could be trusted.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Well, I... w-we...

Does this pivot around
back to you at some point?

What's this? Hey, Marcy.

Why aren't you guys at the game?

She's right. Adam, we should go.

- Sit down.
- Good idea, baby.

So, do you want to
tell her, or should I?

I-I...

Okay, look, honey...

the Steelers tickets were from a client.

And I didn't remember our
first date anniversary thing,

but... you were so excited,

I... I couldn't tell you about it.

So I... I built one of Don's

stupid lasagnas of deception!

Okay, so not one thing you said all week

about this game has been the truth?

Well, there is a game today.

Really? That's what you're going with?

I don't know. How do you live like this?

It doesn't work at all!

You don't have enough layers.

Nobody likes a one-layer lasagna.

Okay, fine, you know what, I screwed up.

All right? I got tickets
on the 50-yard line!

One of the best things
that's every happened to me.

And I wanted to take my
brother, 'cause I love him

and I wanted to make him happy.

And I wanted to take my wife,

'cause I love her, and I
wanted to make her happy.

I wanted to make everybody happy.

Now nobody's happy. So you know what?

These tickets are a curse.

I don't even want them anymore.

Take 'em!

No, not you.

You called me boring.

But why couldn't you
have just been honest

with me in the first place?

That is a good question.

I should have been honest.

- I'm sorry.
- Listen,

when we decided I was
gonna go back to work,

we didn't take into account
all the people it would affect.

You know? So... Don,

thank you for helping Adam out.

And, Adam, you know,

keeping the spark alive,
it's not all on you.

I didn't mean to put
all the pressure on you.

Oh. So do you forgive me?

Yeah.

- Do you forgive me?
- Keep dreaming.

Okay, so who gets to go to the game?

Oh, honey, I don't think
there's any question about that.

Oh, babe, you're the best.

Yeah, Marcy and I are going.

You lied; you lose.

Marcy, let's hit it.

Enjoy your lasagna.

Oh. Pause the game. There I am!

That is you.

Man, those are some good seats.

They were. Would've been better, though,

if you were there with me.

That's what I would've said
if I'd have gone without you.

Hey, tell you what, next
year, for our 19th...

- 18th.
- 18th first date anniversary,

- Mm-hmm?
- we'll go together.

That'd be nice.

Yeah.

Hey, I do remember one
thing about our first date.

- Hmm?
- After the game,

I told Don I had just gone out

with the girl that I was gonna marry.

Aw.

I told my girlfriend
you needed a haircut.

That's okay.

I also told Don we did it in my truck.

What did I do now?

This time it wasn't you,
it was your daughter.

What do you know about
Cookie Blackjack, Mr. Burns?

Never heard of her.

The game, Mr. Burns.

Your daughter won all her
friends' lunches at cards.

Hey, you teach book smarts,
I teach street smarts.