Man with a Plan (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Okay munchkins, family meeting.

Daddy and I have some exciting news.

That's right.

So, Katie, put your phone away. Emme,

don't pick your nose. Teddy, buddy,

stop touching yourself.

I wasn't.

You had both hands in your pants,

moving around down there
like you're making origami.

No hands in pants, all right?

Let's make it a family motto.



So, along with summer being over

and school starting back up tomorrow,

there's another change
happening in the family.

I just got the official word and...

I'm going back to work.

Yay!

- Yay!
- Yay!

What's your job?

It's the same job I had

before you guys were born.

I worked at a hospital,

checking people's blood to find out

what's making them sick.

So you're a doctor?



(laughing): No.

She's not a doctor.

But it's very important work.

Anyway, Daddy's gonna
be taking you to school,

picking you up,

watching you until I get
home, stuff like that.

Yeah, since I'm a
contractor, I'm my own boss,

so, I can work my
schedule around you guys.

Look, all you guys need to know is,

Daddy's in charge now.

- That's right.
- Yeah!

- Aw, bring it in.
- I love you, Daddy.

Oh, you guys.

We're gonna have so much fun.

Can we get a puppy?

- Sure.
- No!

No...

Well, which is it?

Ask your mother. Not now.

Do it later, when I'm not around.

- Love you, Daddy.
- See?

Katie thinks I'm doing great already.

You can't trust a
13-year-old girl.

She's all whacked out on hormones.

Hormones?

- Mm.
- My mom had those.

She had to wear a patch

just to keep from ripping our faces off.

I can't believe I'm doing
this. I'm so excited.

And guilty.

And happy. (chuckles)

And worried.

You know, they make
a patch for that, too.

Will you relax?

Look, I got this.

Me and the kids have a blast together.

I'm Daddy fun times.

Yeah, that's true.

And I'll always be
home in time for dinner.

- Yeah.
- I mean, it...

it's not like I'm a doctor.

Come on, honey,

this was always the plan when
Emme started school full-time.

Remember?

Plus, we're gonna need the
extra money for college.

Based on their ability
to flush a toilet,

- I'm not seeing scholarships.
- You're right,

it's fine because you are a great dad.

- Oh...
- And it means so much to me,

you stepping up like this.

- Oh, well, I'm happy to do it.
- Mmm.

And I'm not looking
for any kind of reward.

Unless...

you were thinking about
something, in which case,

who am I to say no?

Don't worry. You're
gonna get your reward.

We're talking about
the same thing, right?

You'll find out tonight.

- (school bell rings)
- Okay, just one more picture.

Oh, hey.

Hold Emme in your arms sideways
like a big fish you just caught.

Mom, we're not doing that.

Okay, cut the cord and go to work.

(sighing): Yeah, I got to run.

- Bye.
- I love you.

- Love you, too.
- Love you.

You, too.

(sighs) I am just so
proud of you, sweet pea.

You have a great first
day at school. Okay?

Okay.

Yeah...

(school bell rings)

Daddy?

Yeah, Butterbean?

I'm worried about kindergarten.

Aw, honey.

You should be worried.

Kids are mean.

But just know if you
ever feel uncomfortable,

you start swinging.

- (laughing)
- Okay?

A punch in the nose

can be a real problem solver.

Right? All right.

Okay, bye, Daddy.

Bye-bye, honey.

Hello, kindergarten parents!

I'm Mrs. Rodriguez, your
child's lead teacher.

I'd like to welcome you all

to the Kindergarten Parent Mingle.

What?

Now, has anyone seen Mrs. Burns?

Is Mrs. Burns here?

Uh, you must be talking about my wife.

I'm Adam... uh, Mr. Burns.

Oh, great.

Mr. Burns, your wife
graciously volunteered

to be our room parent, so
there's just a few things...

Uh, listen,

she's not gonna be able to do that.

- See, she's decided to go back to work.
- Oh.

Okay, so I'll just pencil you in.

Whoa, hey, uh...

I-I'd love to but, uh,

I have a job, too, see,

so please stop writing my name down.

What a wonderful group,

I can't wait to meet
each and every one of you!

Mr. Burns, I'd like to
see you after the mingle.

Hey, looks like you got
stuck in here too, huh?

I'm Adam.

Lowell.

- I'm a stay-at-home dad.
- Oh.

Four years now, it
hasn't changed me at all.

Oh, you got a little something...

Hey!

I'm gonna say it has changed you.

Sorry, I'm a little revved up.

I just can't believe
they're not introducing

any foreign language in kindergarten.

How can our children compete

in a global economy without
fluency in a second language?

You know this school is free, right?

Free stuff is not that great.

Water is free,

but beer you got to pay for. Hm?

Beer.

It's so great to connect
on a masculine level again.

Where are the regular moms?

Hey,

I-I think I know you, right?

Didn't you sneak a flask
into the school play?

- (chuckling): Yeah.
- Yeah.

Marie Faldanado.

- Ah.
- My kid's in Teddy's class.

Hey, uh, did Teddy get invited

to Brady's birthday party?

Because my Victor didn't
and it's happened before.

Yeah, we had Victor
over last year, he's a...

Oh, yeah, Victor.

What?

Well, he flushed a couple of

Teddy's Hot Wheels down the toilet,

he called my wife a hottie.

He was kind of a jackass.

I can't believe you'd
call my child that word!

Hey-hey, isn't it two words?

It's two words, right?

And to make up for a
lack of funding, we depend

on parent volunteers.

I just think of the children.

There's not a thing
I wouldn't do for them

and I know you feel the same way.

No.

But everyone else has
refused to be room parent.

Great, put me on that list.

That's a shame.

It would also be a shame if

I don't teach your daughter to read.

What are you saying?

I said that's a shame.

No, you said something after that.

I don't think so.

- Yes, you did...
- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did...
- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.
- Nope.

(smacks lips)

Okay, I'll do it.

Wonderful!

Your first event is tomorrow's

Ice Cream Sundae Fun
Day party at 11:00 a.m.

Okay, but I mean,

you're gonna teach Emme to read, right?

We'll see how the party goes.

(phone ringing)

Adam, what's up?

Are the kids okay?

Yeah, the kids are fine.

How come you didn't tell
me you were room mom?

Oh, honey, I forgot.

You forgot?

Well guess who's room mom now? Me!

(laughing)

Are you laughing at me?

(laughing): So hard.

All right, I'm done talking to you.

(laughing): I understand. I love you.

I love you, too.

(chuckling): Oh, poor bastard.

ADAM: You didn't hang
up, I can still hear you.

So guys, how was school today?

I'm hungry.

- And thirsty.
- Me, too.

Uh, I didn't... I don't have anything.

- What?
- I've literally never been thirstier.

Mommy had snacks and ice
cold waters every day.

Hey, easy, it's me, Daddy fun times.

Huh?

Uh, here...

have a Listerine Strip.

(engine shuts off)

(door shuts)

What the...

(whistles)

Headphones off.

Everybody line up.

What?

Line up: one, two, three.

I can't believe I have
to explain a line to you.

Why did you just dump
all your stuff everywhere?

We always do.

Well, who cleans it up?

Mommy.

And she's not upset about that?

(scoffs) I don't know.

Okay, well, from now on,

you're gonna hang your backpacks up,

and you're gonna clean up the truck

before you get out,

and close the door!

That's right.

Any questions?

Well, I got one.

What the hell happened to my life?

Ooh, Daddy said a bad word.

Oh sure, that you heard.

(groans)

What kind of animal puts gum
on a chair and just leaves it?

(groans)

Hey.

Hey...

Where are the kids?

Upstairs, washing up for dinner.

How was your day?

It was incredible.

All right, I mean,
first I was freaking out

because I'd been home
with the kids for so long,

- you know, but I fit right in.
- Good.

I mean, I did try to cut the
crust off somebody's sandwich

at lunch, but other than that,

it was amazing

and it wouldn't have been possible

- if it weren't for you.
- Oh.

Thank you.

(chuckling): Oh, that's great.

You're welcome. (chuckles)

I want out.

What? What happened?

It was awful. Those
are not the same kids

I used to see when I came home at night.

Those kids smelled good
and were delightful.

Well yeah,

it took me all day to get 'em that way.

You were just getting the greatest hits.

Yeah. Now it's the deep cuts.

The... the drum solos, the
bass player sings a song.

They didn't even clean
up after themselves.

It's like living with
three tiny truckers.

Look, honey,

I understand you had a tough day,

- I do. I do.
- (scoffs)

But the thing you need to remember is:

you already got your reward,

so, no takey-backsies.

I'm just not
all-the-time guy, okay?

I'm Daddy fun times!

I'm... I'm like Johnny Cash.

Okay?

I fly in, I play the prison,

everybody loves me,

and then I'm out of there.

I don't want to be the warden.

Well, I don't want to
be the warden, either.

I mean, it's not like
I'm so great at it.

No kidding. Teddy?

He has his hands in
his pants all the time.

He opens doors with his shoulders.

Well, I think we're better off

with him not touching doorknobs.

Yeah, look, all I know is

I gave you three perfect babies.

And as far as I can tell,

you ruined 'em.

Whoa there, Johnny Cash,

I think you mean we ruined 'em.

Uh-uh, no, no, no, for 13 years,

you have been
in the driver's seat.

I was just riding shotgun.

Well, it doesn't matter
who was driving before,

because you're behind the wheel now.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, then, guess what,

I'm taking my hands off the wheel,

I'm opening the car door,

and I'm rolling out.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm
rolling out the other side.

Then I'll see you in the gutter.

It's where I found you.

- Hey, Mom.
- Hi, cuties. How was your day?

We don't want Daddy to
stay at home anymore.

Oh...

We had to line up,

in a line.

So we were wondering if you could...

you know, stop going to your job.

Sometimes the wisest
words come from children.

Well, you guys were
okay with it yesterday.

Our snack was Listerine strips.

Okay, just let me talk to Daddy.

- That means yes!
- Oh, really? Yes!

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

How's this supposed to work?

I mean, I'm not quitting my job.

So what, I'm just supposed
to do everything myself?

Well, sounds like a plan
that makes everybody happy.

You know what? You
can be a real jackass.

Maybe it is one word.

- Morning, everyone.
- Good morning, Mom.

- Morning, Mom.
- Morning, Mom.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm great.

I, uh, got up at 5:00 this morning,

and I-I figured out an
after-school schedule,

a couple carpools, couple play dates.

Now I just have to do morning
drop-off a little early

so I can get to work on time.

I got this.

Are you coming to Ice
Cream Sundae Fun Day?

That's today?

Um... yeah, you know,

I-I-could just...
I can ask my boss

if-if-if-if I can miss,
uh, my second day, uh...

(weakly clears throat)

Oh, jeez.

Mommy's having a little
trouble breathing.

Okay, kids, your mom and
I need to have a talk,

so, uh...

get in the pantry.

Come on, take your cereal with you.

This is why these
open-floor plans don't work.

There's no place to have
a private conversation.

Teddy, one hand on the
bowl, one hand on the spoon.

Okay, I don't think this is working.

I don't want to quit my job.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't have to, okay?

This is important to you,

and I am not gonna stand by

and let you be treated like this.

Why are you yelling
my side of the fight?

I don't know. I feel bad.

I don't like it. It
makes me want to yell.

Well, I feel bad, too. I mean,

I don't want to turn
everything upside-down.

All right, look, we don't have time

to figure this whole
thing out now, okay?

I'll take the kids to school,
I'll do Sunday Dumb Day,

but just for today. Okay?

We need to find a solution
that makes you happy,

and me happy, and the
kids happy, and me happy.

Okay, I get it. You want out.

But look, the most important thing

is that the kids are taken care of.

That's right, we're all about the kids.

All right, I gotta go. Bye.

You left something.

Forgot my phone.

Adam!

I know, I know.

- (keys jingle)
- Can't go anywhere without these.

Hey.

Hey.

I volunteered to be
your assistant today.

I'm finding myself very drawn

to your alpha-male energy.

Don't say stuff like that, Lowell.

It's weird.

Such an alpha.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Marie.

Look, I'm sorry for
what I said yesterday

about Victor. I...

Actually, it made me think.

He has hit a rough patch.

I'm a single mom.

Maybe...

- Victor could use a male role model.
- Oh.

Maybe next weekend you
could take him camping?

Oh, uh, I...

Gotcha. You were sweating.

Oh...

He was sweating? I was sweating

because he's my role model.

- Andi.
- ANDI: Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, uh, took an early lunch.

I thought you might need some help.

What, are you checking up on me?

Well, you did leave
the kids in the pantry.

You put your children in the pantry?

You know, Victor could
use a little pantry time.

Go scoop something.

What's going on?

I was just thinking about
what you're going through,

and, you know, maybe you're right.

Maybe you're just not cut out for this.

Not cut out for this?

That's what I say when I fire people

Are y... are you trying to fire me?

Well, let me tell you
something, love of my life.

I don't get fired, okay?

I have a 99% customer satisfaction rate.

I have a plaque from the county,

which I said we should hang in the den,

and you never did, and
now nobody can find it.

Okay, well, there's a big difference

between building
houses and raising kids.

Not true. Not true at all.

They both need a solid foundation.

That's right, didn't see
that coming, did you, huh?

Look, all I know is I
can take care of our kids.

Didn't see that coming either, did you?

Well, great.

Do you have a plan to
get the kids in line?

Yes, I do.

But it's a secret. (laughs)

- So...
- Great.

Can't wait to see it.

- Good luck.
- Good luck?

That's the other thing
I say when I fire people.

Good luck!

I don't need luck. I need help.

I can't believe I'm about to say this,

but, Lowell, what do
you think I should do?

Well, I managed to get my girls addicted

to lottery scratchers,
and I simply withhold them

when they don't do what I say.

Well, first of all, good luck

with your future exotic dancers.

Plus, I don't have time to get
my kids addicted to something,

and then take it away,
I need a solution now.

Oh, my God.

My iPad is at one percent. What do I do?

- Kill your apps.
- Dad, give me your phone.

I just need a little something
to get me to the house.

Relax. It's like you guys
are addict... ed to those.

(chuckles)

My little junkies.

(chuckles)

And... panic.

We can't get online!

Nothing works. W-what's happening?

Is it the Wi-Fi?
Is the Wi-Fi out?

No, it's not out.

I just installed a
rolling Wi-Fi password.

Every day, the password will change.

And until your chores get
done, you won't get your fix...

the new password.

So pick your clothes up off the floor,

put your backpacks where they belong,

and keep your hands out of your pants!

Oh, my God, you've gone crazy!

At least ease us in.

Maybe today is just explaining it,

and then tomorrow...

I know you're mad at
me, but you know what?

That's okay. Because
I'm not your friend.

I'm your father.

I'm the warden.

And it's my job to rehabilitate you.

Now, my chores are done,
so I have the password.

If you'll excuse me...
I have candy to crush.

- Hey.
- Hi, honey.

Wow, it's so clean.

And quiet.

Did you put the kids
in the pantry again?

No. It's clean and quiet
because... Daddy won.

That's right. And I didn't yell at them.

I outwitted 'em. Like the Roadrunner.

Ooh...

Oh...

Thank you.

Look... (sighs)

I love you, and I
want to do this for you

because you deserve it.

And now, I know I can.

So don't worry about the kids.

I got it.

Wow.

I think this might
be the most attractive

you have ever been.

I agree.

So I guess me coming
to school was worth it.

- What?
- What?

Wait a minute.

So you came down to the school...

and you said all that stuff...

so that I would...

to get me to...

No. I had it and I lost it.

It's too complicated.

Eh, drink your beer, Roadrunner.

Yeah.

- KATE: Hey, Mom.
- Hey, guys.

- Uh, Dad?
- Yeah?

We just wanted to say we were sorry.

We were super inconsiderate.

And spoiled.

You're then best Daddy in the world.

Aw, I love you guys. Bring it in.

Come on. (chuckles)

Mm.

Daddy, can we have a puppy?

Oh, sweetheart, you know we can't.

Well, maybe we should
think about a puppy.

- Really. Mom?
- Mom, are you serious?

(kids shouting excitedly)

What happened here?

Everybody loves Johnny Cash.