Man with a Plan (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Puppet Theater - full transcript
Adam makes a hasty decision when he gets fed up with the demands of his daughter's kindergarten teacher.
Um, it's 2:00 a.m.
What's with all the balloons?
You having some clowns over?
No, it's for another
dumb school thing
in Emme's kindergarten class.
Mrs. Rodriguez wants
a hundred balloons blown up.
I've already blacked out
three times.
Well, um...
why don't you just use
the balloon pump?
Because I didn't know
what that was.
I thought it was a...
lady thing.
Right. 'Cause I keep
all my lady things
in the kids' cubbies.
What function did you think
this would perform exactly?
Yeah, I don't think you
want me to answer that.
Yeah. You're probably right.
You know,
when Rodriguez roped me
into being room parent,
she never told me
how much work it would be.
They celebrate everything.
Well, Adam, m-most people
like parties.
Yeah.
But it's never-ending.
I've organized '80s Day,
'90s Day, and you remember
Future Day.
I had to wear
a tinfoil suit.
I'm sorry, honey,
but look on the bright side.
Now that I'm working,
I don't have to do it anymore.
I lost my sense of humor
30 balloons ago.
Look, honey. I-I know
it's a lot, but...
you know, I would be freaking
out at work all the time
if you weren't doing
such a good job
as captain
of the parenting ship.
I'm the captain?
Yes. You're the captain.
From 7:45 to 5:15,
and then, when I get home...
We're co-captains.
Okay, sure.
Okay, Emme.
You did such a good job helping,
I'm gonna sneak a couple
extra cookies in your cubby.
Thanks, Daddy.
Aww.
Hey, it pays to know
the right guy, huh?
Hmm. Hi, sweetheart.
You can catch up with the other
kids on the playground.
Oh. Not bad. Look who
finally got it together.
That's the kind of praise
that makes it all worthwhile.
Okay, I'm out of here.
Oh, Mr. Burns, one more thing.
Teacher Appreciation
Day is coming up,
so there's gonna be a party.
Of course there is.
So, we're gonna need food,
decorations and games.
This isn't a school,
it's a Chuck E. Cheese.
Oh, but the most important thing
is the Teacher Appreciation
gift,
which each room parent
organizes. This year,
I'd like you to make me puppets.
Kids like puppets.
No, they don't.
They haven't liked puppets
since...
anything else was invented.
Mr. Burns, why do you
have to be so difficult?
No other room parent has ever
caused me this much trouble.
Well... It just seems like
you're crossing a line.
You know, you're taking
advantage of me because
my daughter's in your class,
and you know...
I like her.
I'm only being hard on you
because I know
you're capable of better work.
So, dig deep,
and make me puppets.
You know what? No.
But they're for Teacher
Appreciation Day.
I got to be honest.
I don't appreciate you.
When Teacher Resentment Day
comes along,
I'm your man.
Plus, I don't have time
to make puppets.
Mr. Burns, being a
room parent is a full-time job.
No. No, my full-time job
is my full-time job.
I have three construction
projects going on right now.
Okay. Why don't you take all
this negative energy,
and put it into making puppets.
I got a better idea. I quit.
Uh... no. You can't quit.
As long as Emme's in my class,
you're the room parent.
And if you don't like it,
you can transfer her
to the other class.
Hold on a second.
That's an option?
Well, technically, yes.
I could just...
put her in the other class?
They already have a room parent.
Okay.
Trust me, you don't
want to do that.
Oh, I think I do.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
See, this is
one of the issues.
No, it's not.
All right, I've had enough.
I'm transferring Emme
out of this class.
Fine.
Here's the transfer form.
Now, we have
a reason to party.
Hmm.
No, we don't.
Yes, we do.
So long, suckers.
I'm transferring Emme
out of Mrs. Rodriguez's class.
So, who's gonna be
our room parent?
I can't do it.
I got to go home and sit around.
But you can't just leave me.
You're my mentor.
People our age don't have
mentors, Lowell,
they've already... mented.
Not me. After years of being a
stay-at-home dad to two girls,
you're showing me
how to be a man again.
Thanks to you, I started
watching the sports report.
"Boom," says that one guy.
Great job. I'm proud of you.
Now all we got to do is get that
jazzercise sticker off your car.
Over my dead body.
Hold on. So, you just
transferred Emme
into another class,
without asking Andi?
I don't need to ask
her permission.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Little brother.
Do you know what you are?
Adorable.
Let me tell you
a little something
about how things work
in my house, okay?
I steer the parenting boat.
You know what Andi told me
last night?
I'm the captain.
Oh, you are, huh?
That's right.
Uh-huh.
You know how you give
a little kid
a fake steering wheel
in the backseat
so they can pretend
they're driving?
Might even have a little horn.
That's the kind
of captain you are.
You don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh.
Okay, how about this? Call Andi.
Let's see if I'm right.
Loser has to...
eat a ghost pepper.
Ooh.
That's right.
The world's hottest pepper.
Put your mouth
where your mouth is.
Fine.
But you're gonna be
eating that pepper,
and if I know you,
you'll forget and rub your eye.
And if I know me,
I'll be laughing at you.
Hey, honey. What's up?
Hey.
I got a great idea.
You know how Rodriguez
has been on me?
Well, I'm thinking
I'm gonna transfer Emme
to the other class.
How about that?
Andi?
Do I hear you smiling?
No, I'm not smiling.
That's a terrible idea!
Look, there's only
one good teacher in every grade.
Okay? Y-You have no idea
how much I had to kiss
Mrs. Rodriguez's butt
to get Emme in that class.
So, for you to even think
about transferring her because
you have to work too hard,
makes me so mad,
that I'm yelling.
I'm yelling now, and everybody
here's looking at me.
What? This isn't a show,
Markowitz.
Good.
Yeah. Take it out on Markowitz.
Bye, honey. Love you.
Hello, ghost pepper store?
I'd like to place an order.
Look, Mrs. Rodriguez,
I would really appreciate it
if you would let Emme
back in your class.
Why would I do that?
Well...
what better way to celebrate
the birthday of this fine school
than with the gift of forgetting
what I said this morning?
Or you could apologize
for everything you said
this morning.
Okay.
Uh... Apparently,
you think that I...
No.
If I said something...
No.
If you weren't so...
No!
Fine.
I'm sorry.
Now we're making progress.
Emme can come back to my class.
Oh! Great. Thank you.
Big win for the captain.
Oh, this is gonna mean
a lot to Andi.
She's always saying
how you're the best teacher
in the whole school.
Really?
Yeah, yeah. She told me
that to get Emme in this class,
she spent years
kissing your butt.
What was that?
Uh...
That... was a compliment.
No, it wasn't.
Oh, sure. Sure it was.
Yeah, you know how
people are always
joking around
and saying crazy stuff?
Like, "Hey, Bob."
"Kiss my butt, Jim."
And then they're laughing,
'cause they're buddies.
You know, j-just like us.
Oh, so we're buddies now?
Definitely.
Really?
Yeah.
What's my first name?
Uh...
That's what I thought. I think
Emme would be better off
staying in the other class.
What? Oh, come on!
It's not like you know
my first name.
Adam.
Oh. Well, yeah.
Anyone could guess that.
It's like the first name ever.
What's with the flowers?
Is it the day after
Mom's birthday again?
No.
Wait...
No. No.
Don't scare me like that!
Oh! I think I
hear Mom's car.
Okay, guys, go play outside,
and enjoy your childhood,
'cause it only
gets more complicated.
Hey. There's my beautiful wife.
Flowers? What for?
Do I need a reason
to buy you flowers?
Historically, yes.
Okay, fine. I know this
is gonna make you mad, but...
I transferred Emme
out of Mrs. Rodriguez's class
but look at the pretty flowers!
What?
I can't believe you did that,
after we talked this morning!
Well, not sure
this is gonna help me, but...
I did it before we talked.
Ooh!
Ah!
Oh...
Huh?
All right, look.
Mrs. Rodriguez is impossible!
It's too much work!
Oh, so you did this for
your own selfish reasons.
Well, a lot of great stuff
was done for selfish reasons.
The guy who invented fire.
Probably freezing his ass off.
Oh, my God.
Well, and, and...
it's good for Emme, too.
Her best friend
is in the other class.
Yeah, and you know why
the school separated them?
Because they talk too much.
No fair,
that is new information.
Well, everything's
new information
when you don't know anything.
You know, maybe instead of
just criticizing me,
you could try seeing
my side of it.
Yeah, but your side of it
is so... wrong.
You know what?
I'll go down there,
I'll talk to her.
She likes me.
Yeah, about that.
Oh, good, it gets worse.
Well, just a little,
and then we're all caught up.
So,
when I went back to apologize,
like I knew
you would've wanted me to,
I complimented her,
and she got all mad.
How did you compliment her?
Is that really important?
I told her that
you kissed her butt
to get Emme into her class,
and, for some reason,
she took offense.
Oh. Pfft.
Yeah, so what happened next?
Did you punch her in the throat?
I just...
how could you say that
to Alicia?
Alicia!
That's her name.
Look, you know, anyway,
I should be allowed to make
these kind of decisions.
After all, I am the captain.
Yeah, I only told you that
so you'd finish
blowing up the balloons.
Hold on a second.
Are you saying that
I'm not the captain?
Well, you're
the captain of balloons.
Look, here's
what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna go down
there tomorrow with you
and a box of chocolates,
and I'm gonna...
kiss her butt some more,
and I'm gonna fix this.
I don't need you
cleaning up my messes, okay?
I can handle this.
Adam, listen to me,
I am the captain now.
Okay, I don't know if this
is what you were going for,
but I am really turned on
right now.
Look, you know what Adam's like.
He-he just says stuff,
he doesn't think.
I really don't.
But to imply that currying favor
has any impact
on how I run my
classroom is insulting.
Look, I'm well aware
that parents give me presents
just because they want
something from me.
Ugh. Yeah, those
parents are the worst.
Although the presents are nice.
Oh, yeah, I mean,
who doesn't like a little treat
now and again?
But it doesn't change anything.
No, of course not,
you're above all that.
Just give me the chocolates.
There's a little chart in there
so you don't get surprised
by anything.
You wouldn't want to bite into
one of those cherry squirty ones
when you're wearing
a white blouse.
Look, we didn't
mean to insult you.
You know, it's just how
we show appreciation.
I mean, we kiss butt
because we love.
Yeah.
Let's be honest,
butt kissing makes
the world go round.
Everybody does it.
I kiss my clients' butts.
My crew kisses my butt.
Yeah, I mean,
"World's Greatest Teacher."
You didn't buy that
for yourself, right?
Good point, honey.
See, I just kissed
my wife's butt, she's not mad.
No, I rather enjoyed it, yeah.
Now, he's a very
good butt kisser.
Aw.
Uh, no, he's not, he's terrible.
He quit because of
Teacher Appreciation Day.
That's the Super Bowl
of butt kissing.
Look, there are
plenty of ways
to get on my good side,
if you cared enough to try.
Oh, whoa, hold on,
that's unfair.
No, I think I'm being
perfectly fair.
He's been working
like a dog for you.
Stay on track.
I mean, he's up in
the middle of the night,
he's here every day...
He complains all the time
about every little thing
I ask him to do.
Okay, all right,
why is everybody standing up?
Yeah, well, I'm
not gonna let you
talk about my husband
that way.
If anything,
I'm being easy on him.
No, you're not.
You're asking him
to do too much.
Well, maybe it seems like a lot
because I have to ask him
to do everything three times.
Which is fine.
It's not fine.
He does the bare minimum
at best.
I ask him to make puppets,
all I got was attitude.
I don't see any commitment.
You know what?
I don't think anybody
could live up
to your standards.
'Cause you know what?
You're...
Easy.
You're...
Careful.
You're high maintenance.
Better than I thought
it would be.
How's it going? Are they getting
Emme back in the class?
I don't know, you keep talking.
Uh-oh, angry footsteps.
Angry footsteps.
So, Adam, you back?
What happened?
Lady fight, big step backwards.
And that's why you never do
stuff without asking your wife.
I once made a decision
without consulting my wife.
But then we got married anyway.
Hi, Andi.
Hey, Don.
Hey, honey.
How was the rest of your day?
You feeling better?
No, I mean, because
I lost my temper,
Emme's stuck in the
crummy kindergarten class.
I really don't think
it's that big of a deal.
Or it could be the
difference between her being
a Supreme Court
justice, or a...
cocktail waitress
at an Indian casino.
Hey, either way,
she's wearing a silly outfit.
Well, I guess the good news is
that you're not
room parent anymore, so...
that's a win.
Hey, you won.
Savor this.
I didn't win.
Didn't you hear her tone?
It's not how you say it,
it's what you say.
Like, "Shania Twain wants
to take a bath with you."
Sing it, scream it, cry it,
either way
I'm clean and happy.
Why the bath?
You know what?
I don't care.
I started this whole thing.
I got to find a way
to win Rodriguez over.
What would a captain do?
Which reminds me--
I got you something
that I think might help.
Here you go, Captain.
Yeah, yeah, I deserve that.
Happy sailing!
And just remember--
even if you get
through the Straits
of Forgiveness, some day,
there's a torpedo heading your
way from the S.S. Menopause.
I'm gonna need a bigger boat.
I think if you just
give Adam another chance,
he won't disappoint you.
He's already done a lot
personally for me.
He's like... he's like
my Phil Jackson.
Sports reference. What's up?
And I think
the whole class will miss him.
Well, my decision hasn't changed
since you asked me
through the bathroom door.
What are you doing here?
I bet I know exactly
what he's doing here.
A puppet theater.
Oh, I was way off.
Oh, my God,
it's beautiful.
No other room parent has ever
done anything like this.
Did you build this?
Yup. Happy Teacher
Appreciation Day.
I hope you'll consider letting
Emme back into your class, and,
as you're making
your decision,
I'll ask you to press the
button on that little remote.
Not just the bare
minimum, right?
Oh, wait a minute.
Is this just a sophisticated way
of kissing my butt?
Well, I wouldn't
call it that.
'Cause it's working.
Oh. So, can Emme come back
to your class?
Well, of course she can.
And I haven't been able
to find a replacement
so, maybe you could, you know...
Just...
Come back as room parent.
It's happening.
Okay, okay.
But I have
a few conditions.
No.
Well, just hear me out.
No.
If we could just...
No!
Okay. Deal.
Good!
Are we just gonna stand here,
or are we gonna hug?
We're just gonna stand here.
Yeah.
Nice job on the
puppet theater, babe.
I bet you knocked
her socks off.
Yeah. I just feel bad
for the kids.
They have to sit
through a puppet show now.
I mean, you crashed our
ship into an iceberg,
and then I panicked and start
throwing passengers overboard,
but you just hopped
into your little tugboat
and you got us back
on course. Toot, toot!
You don't have to talk to me
like I'm a child.
I did do that, though.
Yeah, you did.
You know, it doesn't surprise
me, the fires you start,
but it always surprises
me how you put 'em out.
Hey, it's my job to do
the best I can for our family.
Huh? That way,
if the kids turn out bad,
they can't blame it on us.
I know this isn't
what you're going for,
but... I am really
turned on right now.
Baby, that's always
what I'm going for.
The time has come.
Bon appétit, señor.
You know, I wasn't
gonna make you
really eat the ghost
pepper if you lost.
Yes, you were.
I know.
Uh-huh.
How hot is this thing?
It's pretty hot.
They made me sign some papers
and watch a video
before they let me take it.
Okay, would you be willing
to exchange it for a spider?
I'll munch a spider right now.
I've already seen that.
Okay, fine.
Oh, you got a little something
on your eye there.
What?
Yeah, right... yeah,
right there, yeah.
Aah! Okay. I knew
you were gonna do that!
But then I forgot.
Oh, God. Aah.
What's with all the balloons?
You having some clowns over?
No, it's for another
dumb school thing
in Emme's kindergarten class.
Mrs. Rodriguez wants
a hundred balloons blown up.
I've already blacked out
three times.
Well, um...
why don't you just use
the balloon pump?
Because I didn't know
what that was.
I thought it was a...
lady thing.
Right. 'Cause I keep
all my lady things
in the kids' cubbies.
What function did you think
this would perform exactly?
Yeah, I don't think you
want me to answer that.
Yeah. You're probably right.
You know,
when Rodriguez roped me
into being room parent,
she never told me
how much work it would be.
They celebrate everything.
Well, Adam, m-most people
like parties.
Yeah.
But it's never-ending.
I've organized '80s Day,
'90s Day, and you remember
Future Day.
I had to wear
a tinfoil suit.
I'm sorry, honey,
but look on the bright side.
Now that I'm working,
I don't have to do it anymore.
I lost my sense of humor
30 balloons ago.
Look, honey. I-I know
it's a lot, but...
you know, I would be freaking
out at work all the time
if you weren't doing
such a good job
as captain
of the parenting ship.
I'm the captain?
Yes. You're the captain.
From 7:45 to 5:15,
and then, when I get home...
We're co-captains.
Okay, sure.
Okay, Emme.
You did such a good job helping,
I'm gonna sneak a couple
extra cookies in your cubby.
Thanks, Daddy.
Aww.
Hey, it pays to know
the right guy, huh?
Hmm. Hi, sweetheart.
You can catch up with the other
kids on the playground.
Oh. Not bad. Look who
finally got it together.
That's the kind of praise
that makes it all worthwhile.
Okay, I'm out of here.
Oh, Mr. Burns, one more thing.
Teacher Appreciation
Day is coming up,
so there's gonna be a party.
Of course there is.
So, we're gonna need food,
decorations and games.
This isn't a school,
it's a Chuck E. Cheese.
Oh, but the most important thing
is the Teacher Appreciation
gift,
which each room parent
organizes. This year,
I'd like you to make me puppets.
Kids like puppets.
No, they don't.
They haven't liked puppets
since...
anything else was invented.
Mr. Burns, why do you
have to be so difficult?
No other room parent has ever
caused me this much trouble.
Well... It just seems like
you're crossing a line.
You know, you're taking
advantage of me because
my daughter's in your class,
and you know...
I like her.
I'm only being hard on you
because I know
you're capable of better work.
So, dig deep,
and make me puppets.
You know what? No.
But they're for Teacher
Appreciation Day.
I got to be honest.
I don't appreciate you.
When Teacher Resentment Day
comes along,
I'm your man.
Plus, I don't have time
to make puppets.
Mr. Burns, being a
room parent is a full-time job.
No. No, my full-time job
is my full-time job.
I have three construction
projects going on right now.
Okay. Why don't you take all
this negative energy,
and put it into making puppets.
I got a better idea. I quit.
Uh... no. You can't quit.
As long as Emme's in my class,
you're the room parent.
And if you don't like it,
you can transfer her
to the other class.
Hold on a second.
That's an option?
Well, technically, yes.
I could just...
put her in the other class?
They already have a room parent.
Okay.
Trust me, you don't
want to do that.
Oh, I think I do.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
See, this is
one of the issues.
No, it's not.
All right, I've had enough.
I'm transferring Emme
out of this class.
Fine.
Here's the transfer form.
Now, we have
a reason to party.
Hmm.
No, we don't.
Yes, we do.
So long, suckers.
I'm transferring Emme
out of Mrs. Rodriguez's class.
So, who's gonna be
our room parent?
I can't do it.
I got to go home and sit around.
But you can't just leave me.
You're my mentor.
People our age don't have
mentors, Lowell,
they've already... mented.
Not me. After years of being a
stay-at-home dad to two girls,
you're showing me
how to be a man again.
Thanks to you, I started
watching the sports report.
"Boom," says that one guy.
Great job. I'm proud of you.
Now all we got to do is get that
jazzercise sticker off your car.
Over my dead body.
Hold on. So, you just
transferred Emme
into another class,
without asking Andi?
I don't need to ask
her permission.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Little brother.
Do you know what you are?
Adorable.
Let me tell you
a little something
about how things work
in my house, okay?
I steer the parenting boat.
You know what Andi told me
last night?
I'm the captain.
Oh, you are, huh?
That's right.
Uh-huh.
You know how you give
a little kid
a fake steering wheel
in the backseat
so they can pretend
they're driving?
Might even have a little horn.
That's the kind
of captain you are.
You don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh.
Okay, how about this? Call Andi.
Let's see if I'm right.
Loser has to...
eat a ghost pepper.
Ooh.
That's right.
The world's hottest pepper.
Put your mouth
where your mouth is.
Fine.
But you're gonna be
eating that pepper,
and if I know you,
you'll forget and rub your eye.
And if I know me,
I'll be laughing at you.
Hey, honey. What's up?
Hey.
I got a great idea.
You know how Rodriguez
has been on me?
Well, I'm thinking
I'm gonna transfer Emme
to the other class.
How about that?
Andi?
Do I hear you smiling?
No, I'm not smiling.
That's a terrible idea!
Look, there's only
one good teacher in every grade.
Okay? Y-You have no idea
how much I had to kiss
Mrs. Rodriguez's butt
to get Emme in that class.
So, for you to even think
about transferring her because
you have to work too hard,
makes me so mad,
that I'm yelling.
I'm yelling now, and everybody
here's looking at me.
What? This isn't a show,
Markowitz.
Good.
Yeah. Take it out on Markowitz.
Bye, honey. Love you.
Hello, ghost pepper store?
I'd like to place an order.
Look, Mrs. Rodriguez,
I would really appreciate it
if you would let Emme
back in your class.
Why would I do that?
Well...
what better way to celebrate
the birthday of this fine school
than with the gift of forgetting
what I said this morning?
Or you could apologize
for everything you said
this morning.
Okay.
Uh... Apparently,
you think that I...
No.
If I said something...
No.
If you weren't so...
No!
Fine.
I'm sorry.
Now we're making progress.
Emme can come back to my class.
Oh! Great. Thank you.
Big win for the captain.
Oh, this is gonna mean
a lot to Andi.
She's always saying
how you're the best teacher
in the whole school.
Really?
Yeah, yeah. She told me
that to get Emme in this class,
she spent years
kissing your butt.
What was that?
Uh...
That... was a compliment.
No, it wasn't.
Oh, sure. Sure it was.
Yeah, you know how
people are always
joking around
and saying crazy stuff?
Like, "Hey, Bob."
"Kiss my butt, Jim."
And then they're laughing,
'cause they're buddies.
You know, j-just like us.
Oh, so we're buddies now?
Definitely.
Really?
Yeah.
What's my first name?
Uh...
That's what I thought. I think
Emme would be better off
staying in the other class.
What? Oh, come on!
It's not like you know
my first name.
Adam.
Oh. Well, yeah.
Anyone could guess that.
It's like the first name ever.
What's with the flowers?
Is it the day after
Mom's birthday again?
No.
Wait...
No. No.
Don't scare me like that!
Oh! I think I
hear Mom's car.
Okay, guys, go play outside,
and enjoy your childhood,
'cause it only
gets more complicated.
Hey. There's my beautiful wife.
Flowers? What for?
Do I need a reason
to buy you flowers?
Historically, yes.
Okay, fine. I know this
is gonna make you mad, but...
I transferred Emme
out of Mrs. Rodriguez's class
but look at the pretty flowers!
What?
I can't believe you did that,
after we talked this morning!
Well, not sure
this is gonna help me, but...
I did it before we talked.
Ooh!
Ah!
Oh...
Huh?
All right, look.
Mrs. Rodriguez is impossible!
It's too much work!
Oh, so you did this for
your own selfish reasons.
Well, a lot of great stuff
was done for selfish reasons.
The guy who invented fire.
Probably freezing his ass off.
Oh, my God.
Well, and, and...
it's good for Emme, too.
Her best friend
is in the other class.
Yeah, and you know why
the school separated them?
Because they talk too much.
No fair,
that is new information.
Well, everything's
new information
when you don't know anything.
You know, maybe instead of
just criticizing me,
you could try seeing
my side of it.
Yeah, but your side of it
is so... wrong.
You know what?
I'll go down there,
I'll talk to her.
She likes me.
Yeah, about that.
Oh, good, it gets worse.
Well, just a little,
and then we're all caught up.
So,
when I went back to apologize,
like I knew
you would've wanted me to,
I complimented her,
and she got all mad.
How did you compliment her?
Is that really important?
I told her that
you kissed her butt
to get Emme into her class,
and, for some reason,
she took offense.
Oh. Pfft.
Yeah, so what happened next?
Did you punch her in the throat?
I just...
how could you say that
to Alicia?
Alicia!
That's her name.
Look, you know, anyway,
I should be allowed to make
these kind of decisions.
After all, I am the captain.
Yeah, I only told you that
so you'd finish
blowing up the balloons.
Hold on a second.
Are you saying that
I'm not the captain?
Well, you're
the captain of balloons.
Look, here's
what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna go down
there tomorrow with you
and a box of chocolates,
and I'm gonna...
kiss her butt some more,
and I'm gonna fix this.
I don't need you
cleaning up my messes, okay?
I can handle this.
Adam, listen to me,
I am the captain now.
Okay, I don't know if this
is what you were going for,
but I am really turned on
right now.
Look, you know what Adam's like.
He-he just says stuff,
he doesn't think.
I really don't.
But to imply that currying favor
has any impact
on how I run my
classroom is insulting.
Look, I'm well aware
that parents give me presents
just because they want
something from me.
Ugh. Yeah, those
parents are the worst.
Although the presents are nice.
Oh, yeah, I mean,
who doesn't like a little treat
now and again?
But it doesn't change anything.
No, of course not,
you're above all that.
Just give me the chocolates.
There's a little chart in there
so you don't get surprised
by anything.
You wouldn't want to bite into
one of those cherry squirty ones
when you're wearing
a white blouse.
Look, we didn't
mean to insult you.
You know, it's just how
we show appreciation.
I mean, we kiss butt
because we love.
Yeah.
Let's be honest,
butt kissing makes
the world go round.
Everybody does it.
I kiss my clients' butts.
My crew kisses my butt.
Yeah, I mean,
"World's Greatest Teacher."
You didn't buy that
for yourself, right?
Good point, honey.
See, I just kissed
my wife's butt, she's not mad.
No, I rather enjoyed it, yeah.
Now, he's a very
good butt kisser.
Aw.
Uh, no, he's not, he's terrible.
He quit because of
Teacher Appreciation Day.
That's the Super Bowl
of butt kissing.
Look, there are
plenty of ways
to get on my good side,
if you cared enough to try.
Oh, whoa, hold on,
that's unfair.
No, I think I'm being
perfectly fair.
He's been working
like a dog for you.
Stay on track.
I mean, he's up in
the middle of the night,
he's here every day...
He complains all the time
about every little thing
I ask him to do.
Okay, all right,
why is everybody standing up?
Yeah, well, I'm
not gonna let you
talk about my husband
that way.
If anything,
I'm being easy on him.
No, you're not.
You're asking him
to do too much.
Well, maybe it seems like a lot
because I have to ask him
to do everything three times.
Which is fine.
It's not fine.
He does the bare minimum
at best.
I ask him to make puppets,
all I got was attitude.
I don't see any commitment.
You know what?
I don't think anybody
could live up
to your standards.
'Cause you know what?
You're...
Easy.
You're...
Careful.
You're high maintenance.
Better than I thought
it would be.
How's it going? Are they getting
Emme back in the class?
I don't know, you keep talking.
Uh-oh, angry footsteps.
Angry footsteps.
So, Adam, you back?
What happened?
Lady fight, big step backwards.
And that's why you never do
stuff without asking your wife.
I once made a decision
without consulting my wife.
But then we got married anyway.
Hi, Andi.
Hey, Don.
Hey, honey.
How was the rest of your day?
You feeling better?
No, I mean, because
I lost my temper,
Emme's stuck in the
crummy kindergarten class.
I really don't think
it's that big of a deal.
Or it could be the
difference between her being
a Supreme Court
justice, or a...
cocktail waitress
at an Indian casino.
Hey, either way,
she's wearing a silly outfit.
Well, I guess the good news is
that you're not
room parent anymore, so...
that's a win.
Hey, you won.
Savor this.
I didn't win.
Didn't you hear her tone?
It's not how you say it,
it's what you say.
Like, "Shania Twain wants
to take a bath with you."
Sing it, scream it, cry it,
either way
I'm clean and happy.
Why the bath?
You know what?
I don't care.
I started this whole thing.
I got to find a way
to win Rodriguez over.
What would a captain do?
Which reminds me--
I got you something
that I think might help.
Here you go, Captain.
Yeah, yeah, I deserve that.
Happy sailing!
And just remember--
even if you get
through the Straits
of Forgiveness, some day,
there's a torpedo heading your
way from the S.S. Menopause.
I'm gonna need a bigger boat.
I think if you just
give Adam another chance,
he won't disappoint you.
He's already done a lot
personally for me.
He's like... he's like
my Phil Jackson.
Sports reference. What's up?
And I think
the whole class will miss him.
Well, my decision hasn't changed
since you asked me
through the bathroom door.
What are you doing here?
I bet I know exactly
what he's doing here.
A puppet theater.
Oh, I was way off.
Oh, my God,
it's beautiful.
No other room parent has ever
done anything like this.
Did you build this?
Yup. Happy Teacher
Appreciation Day.
I hope you'll consider letting
Emme back into your class, and,
as you're making
your decision,
I'll ask you to press the
button on that little remote.
Not just the bare
minimum, right?
Oh, wait a minute.
Is this just a sophisticated way
of kissing my butt?
Well, I wouldn't
call it that.
'Cause it's working.
Oh. So, can Emme come back
to your class?
Well, of course she can.
And I haven't been able
to find a replacement
so, maybe you could, you know...
Just...
Come back as room parent.
It's happening.
Okay, okay.
But I have
a few conditions.
No.
Well, just hear me out.
No.
If we could just...
No!
Okay. Deal.
Good!
Are we just gonna stand here,
or are we gonna hug?
We're just gonna stand here.
Yeah.
Nice job on the
puppet theater, babe.
I bet you knocked
her socks off.
Yeah. I just feel bad
for the kids.
They have to sit
through a puppet show now.
I mean, you crashed our
ship into an iceberg,
and then I panicked and start
throwing passengers overboard,
but you just hopped
into your little tugboat
and you got us back
on course. Toot, toot!
You don't have to talk to me
like I'm a child.
I did do that, though.
Yeah, you did.
You know, it doesn't surprise
me, the fires you start,
but it always surprises
me how you put 'em out.
Hey, it's my job to do
the best I can for our family.
Huh? That way,
if the kids turn out bad,
they can't blame it on us.
I know this isn't
what you're going for,
but... I am really
turned on right now.
Baby, that's always
what I'm going for.
The time has come.
Bon appétit, señor.
You know, I wasn't
gonna make you
really eat the ghost
pepper if you lost.
Yes, you were.
I know.
Uh-huh.
How hot is this thing?
It's pretty hot.
They made me sign some papers
and watch a video
before they let me take it.
Okay, would you be willing
to exchange it for a spider?
I'll munch a spider right now.
I've already seen that.
Okay, fine.
Oh, you got a little something
on your eye there.
What?
Yeah, right... yeah,
right there, yeah.
Aah! Okay. I knew
you were gonna do that!
But then I forgot.
Oh, God. Aah.