Man Up (2018): Season 1, Episode 2 - Jewelry Boy - full transcript

♪ It's human nature

- Men are in crisis.

Mansplaining, manspreading,
mayonaise, times up,

Woody Allen, Dave Nevaro,

we've got a lot of issues guys.

Thankfully I'm here to help.

Now why am I qualified,
because I've got a

popular podcast, a
gender neutral haircut,

and I've dealt with every
problem that a man can have.

I've got erectile
dysfunction right now.

I'm Theo Vonn and
this is Man Up.



So this weeks episode
is about growth.

And I got a call from Calila,

who is a girlfriend of
an old friend of mine

named Bobby Lire or Bob Li.

And some of you
guys have seen him,

and he hasn't really exhibited
growth very well in his life.

So first things first, I
went over there to help out.

- He's the absolute
love of my life.

I don't see a
future without him,

but there are some barriers
to our relationship.

Namely, my step dad.

My step dad's a little
bit more traditional

and he has some concerns.

- Say if I were a
peeping tom right,



and you're not here.

And I show up, 'cause
I got a ladder,

and I got everything
I need right.

I got the gloves,
I got a thermos,

you know I got time to kill,

you know I'm unemployed.

And I'm here watching
through the windows

and I see Bobby, what's
he gonna be doing.

What am I gonna see him doing?

- 16 hours of video game play

with the occasional
intermittent break

of masterbatory activities.

- Jesus christ.

I know when I see somebody

that needs to
evolve a little bit.

- Right.

- And for me it just
seems like Bobby

just wants to play
this child forever.

- He's a man baby.

- He's a man baby.

- When I first moved in here,

I would walk out to the balcony

and I would always get this
strong smell of ammonia.

Then I see this massive
jug of yellow fluid.

So I asked him,
Bobby what is that?

- His natural urine isn't it.

- His natural urine.

- That's an easy one.

- He says it's a Korean thing,

I don't buy it.

- Yeah I don't buy that either

I've watched a lot of
Korean shit online,

I've never seen
anything like that.

And I used to pee in my
girlfriends sink at night

and the cats would show up

and they started peeing
in there and that's

how her mom knew I
was peeing in there.

So it's you know
there's a lot of ways

to get caught up in that.

- Let me give you an example
of my step dads 70th birthday.

- Okay.

- Six people in the
table, fancy dinner,

I asked Bobby hey no gadgets,

so he didn't know what
to do with his hands.

So naturally his hands
found my breasts.

- Oh wow.

- During dinner.

- Crotch too or just
breasts? Honestly.

- Mostly breasts.
Mostly waist up.

- Did he witness some of it.

- He witnessed all of it.

- Jesus dude.

That makes my fucking neck hurt.

- That 70th birthday fiasco
is what I want to erase

out of everyone's memory.

- Right.

- So I want to have a
dinner with my step dad.

I want a re do.

- Yes I got a good idea.

If you don't mind
I'd like to maybe

take him aside for a little bit

and see if we can't
do some things.

Crack into that
jaundice phenomemon

that's going on behind his eyes.

And see what we can create.

- Please.

- Okay.

Look I can relate.

Bobby has extra urine around
the house, I've been there.

You know I've done a
lot of poor choices.

I've got two bags of body
hair under my sink right now.

One of them is mine.

But I know that
I have to change.

The mission now was
getting Bobby to know

that he needs to change as well.

- [Theo] I hear him, I hear him.

Stand up straight.

- Hey honey.

- Sup Bob.

He has nothing crazy.

- What's deal? What is this?

- Uh just hanging out man,
seeing if you were home.

- Yeah I am home I'm here.

- Yeah you weren't home.

- Okay.

- What's going on man

- hey

- good to see you bro

- What's going on.

- Yeah you look good.

- What is this?

- Just like a little,
it's gonna be like,

kind of like an intervention,

but nobody's here but us.

- Intervention?
I've been sober for

like 15 years so I'm good.

- It's not about
that though. Right?

She's good, nobody's pregnant.

Let's go outside.
If it's alright man.

- What

- Yeah bro we're not
being crazy I promise.

I mean some people are
crazy, but we're not them.

- You're not gonna
call me and tell me.

- About 80 feet it looks like.

- Dude, dude, just call
me and tell me that

you're going to do this.

- My bad.

- What do you mean your bad?

Is this like just call me.

- I'm saying I feel bad now.

- Yeah but there's a crew
in my house it's weird.

- Well Calila, first of all
Calila reached out to me.

Okay I'm not trying
to be rude but.

- She called you?

- She said something to
me yeah, on the phone.

She called.

- Weird.

- She said straight up.

- Everything's fine.

- Well that's not exactly
how she framed it.

- Yeah but how did she frame it?

- I'll say it.

Bobby masturbates
around the house,

different places,
urinates outdoors,

- And.

- Dude there's people
that live out here.

Neighbors man. That could be

- Yeah I'm also

- Is that a school.

- Oh can I just say this though

- Yeah. Say it.

- I just defend myself alright.

In society we make these
rules like etiquette.

- Okay.

- Right. But these rules
are made to be broken.

- Yeah, in high school
Bobby, in junior high.

You know in
kindergarten, in pre-K.

People shitting off the
balcony and you know

pissing in front of people.

There's 60 people
living over there.

- Alright.

- So I'm just saying
let's try this bro.

We go to this thing
today with me.

And then we go to another
event with his family.

And we see if you
can step it up bro.

It's her step dad!

She's already down
to her second dad.

- I gotta go places
with you? Alright.

- She's already down to
her second dad Bobby.

- Next time though,
seriously next time,

you call me and you tell me
that you're going to do this

because it's fucking bullshit.

- Okay is your phone
on? I tried to text you.

- No it's not on.

- Because of my southern roots

I know that manners
are important.

And what Babbabear
here is missing

is a little bit of them manoirs.

So I took little Bobby
to a Cotillion class

with some high society types.

You ready?

- Yeah.

- Alright, sayonara.

- Say hello everyone
to our gues-

oh we're going in for a hug.

Okay I actually went for
that because I didn't

want to be rude, but we're
gonna work on introductions.

- You don't like ethnic storm.

- No it has nothing
to do with ethnicity.

I'm an all inclusive person.

- I just went in a
little too hot I think.

- You went in like we-

a little too
familiar I would say.

We are all here to actually
teach you some manners today.

- I know all the
manners but alright.

- Well I'm here to teach
you all of things that you

don't know that you don't know.

- Like if I lived in
England in a castle?

- No this is actually
what I like to call

real life skills.

These are everyday courtesy's
that you should know.

And anyone should know.

For both your personal and
your professional life.

- Alright.

- Alright that's-we're
gonna work on that.

No that's not happening.

Anytime you meet someone,

you need to know
the proper greeting.

You want to have one
arms length distance

which is about 18 inches
between another person.

We are not going to flap
our wings like a birdie.

We're going to pretend
we have books on

either side of our waist.

And we are going
to act as if we are

conducting an orchestra.

- This is ridiculous, I've never

- Okay here we go, here we go.

- It's absolute ludicy.

- Here we go, stop, stop, stop.

- I made all these
arrangements for Bobby

to take a moment to
not think about himself

and to listen to somebody else,

and to actually display a
little bit of congeniality.

- Chew and swallow,
chew and swallow.

- And I was just bool.

- And honestly he
didn't really show up.

- I swear to god I
farted twice already,

but it was quiet.

[kids squealing]

- Okay this is so not a
regular manners class.

- In America we are
told to chew quietly.

- Oh here in America,
I did not know that.

- Yeah well.

- Thank you so much,
white lady for telling me

how to eat in America.

- I am not teasing him.

- Look I think our last
hope is to see if Bobby

can properly know
how to make a toast,

otherwise I don't even
see how he's gonna survive

this tomorrow dude.

- Yeah you're not placing
good bets on, or good odds.

- You want me to do a toast.

Hear hear.

- Hear hear.

- I would like to salut.

- Excuse me I have to interrupt.

You open with the lines,

I would like to propose a toast.

Hear hear is at the
end of the toast.

Let's try it again.

- Bobby.

- You're laughing, but
this is serious business.

- This is the worst
human experience

I've ever had in my life.

- How does that make me feel.

- That's your problem.

- No I think you're great.

- That makes me feel so badly.

[laughter]

I'm going to cry.

- Now he's laughing.

- It's not funny guys.

So things hadn't gone well,

the big dinner had arrived
and I realized that

Bobby was gonna need
some assistance.

- That was weird.

- Okay hello.

- How you doing/

- You alright.

- Yeah I feel fine.

- You don't always
pull out my chair.

- I know because
I'm a different man.

- Before we start, I
called the both of you

to have dinner because
the last dinner

that we had together
didn't go so well.

- When we go out to
eat you are constantly

groping her in
front of everyone.

- Can I say something.

- No just wait a second,
just hear this out.

- Okay.

- When you do this,
it's kind of insulting.

- Okay that's good,
I understand that.

- Good evening guys,
my name's chuckie,

I'll be your waiter
this evening.

- What's your name?

- Chuckie.

- Hey Chuckie.

- Nice to see you, just the
three of you guys tonight?

- Mm hmm,

- Awesome, welcome
to The District,

have anybody told you
about our specials.

- Not yet.

- No you're the
first guy to say hi.

- Excellent tonight we
have a seven ounce duck,

- Yeah that's it?

- That's it.

- Yeah that's gonna be it.

- And what's on it?

- The duck comes natural,

it comes in its
own sauce and it's

- What kind of sauce is it?

- I can ask the
chef for you sir.

- Well you should know
that right as a waiter.

- I'm new here sir.

- Okay.

Alright thank you very much.

- Thanks man.

- I know it's, I'm just gonna.

'cause my girlfriend's
so pretty.

Okay.

- Suck it in, suck
it in a little.

I need your belly
to go down a bit.

Okay there we go.

Oh god.

- Bobby.

I knew that Bobby
might need some help,

so I slipped him an ear piece.

Bobby, time for the toast.

- Time for the toast.

Hear, hear.

Calila, Roger, Both of you,

I am grateful to
have you in my life.

Calila you are my native
American love sister.

- I'm not Native American.

- You look like Pocahontas
right now though.

And that's what-you know
exactly what I'm saying.

- I don't.

- Let me start over.

Calila, I just want
to say I'm sorry,

because I spend a lot of
time thinking about myself.

You are my angel.

- Come here, give me your face.

- You are special to me.

And I am so happy to
have you in my life.

- Thank you sweetie
that means a lot.

- And I am grateful to Roger,

because just like
me he recognizes

amazing women when he sees them.

Even though you're dating
her mom and not her.

You know what I mean.

I love you.

Hear hear.

- Cheers.

- Everyone says hear hear.

- Hear hear.

- Everyone in the
restaurant, hear hear.

- What I learned
from watching Bobby

is you have to take
your problems seriously.

You have to step
into the situation

and you have to do it.

You have to do the work.

And did Bobby do
the work today, no.

I don't think he did, but
he at least showed up.

- Cheers

- And hopefully, you show
up, you show up, you show up.

- I did it.

- And sometime you feel
comfortable enough to man up.

And maybe next week we will
have a different outcome.

But thank you guys for
being here with me,

I'm Theo Vonn, and
this has been Man Up.