Man Up (2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Man Baby - full transcript

- Men are in crisis,
being too pushy,

crying at parks,

Alfonso Ribeiro,

spending time at Arby's
when they're not eating.

It's a mess.

Thankfully, I'm here to help.

Now why am I qualified?

Coz I've got a a
gender neutral haircut,

a popular podcast,
and time to kill.

I'm still in community college.

This is Man Up.



[rock music]

This week I got a call
from Lauren in Culver City,

or Lau-ren, as she says it.

And she said that
her and her man

are having some
commitment issues,

something I know a lot about.

I think I do.

I don't know if I do,

I can't even, fuck,

I can't even commit to this.

[upbeat music]

What's up man? I'm Theo.

- Hey, how's it going?

- Good, nice to see you today.



Lauren, how are you?

- Hi, I'm good.

How are you?

- Very lovely.

Thank you guys for
meeting me out here.

Obviously we arranged to
meet you guys out here,

by this ledge.

Lauren's reached out
to me via my podcast,

which is about helping men

take that [screeches]
off the universe

and really get that, you know,

that male gestation going on
inside of our lungs and heart.

- So, I called Theo because you

bought an engagement ring.

- This is true.

I did.

- A year ago and you've
been sitting on it.

- Yeah.

- You've been mother
henning that thing.

They call that mother henning.

- Do they?

Okay.

- And, I feel like
you thought that

you could just buy
it and mother hen it,

instead of taking that next
step to actually propose.

Like, you act like
you've proposed already.

But you haven't.

- Well, I wouldn't say
I act like I proposed

because, I mean, I'm
not strutting around

you know, talking like I'm--

- You act like it's
a huge step though.

- Well, it was kind of a--

- The huge step would
actually be proposing.

- It was an interim
step, you know?

- Okay.

It shouldn't take a year.

- You're probably
right about that.

- As men we have a lot
of invisible hurdles,

some of them that you
can't even see as women,

just coz we have
our own blinders on.

You know we're the only
animal in the kingdom

that runs forward at top
speed with blinders on.

You can't name another
animal that can do that,

unless it's a blind animal.

Buying a wedding ring

and not giving it to a girl is,

well now you're just a
dude that owns a ring,

a jewelry boy.

Alright so this is streets of?

- Rogue, yeah.

Streets of Rogue,
this is my baby.

- And you made this.

- Yeah, over the course
of four plus years.

- Wow.

How many levels
are on this game.

- 15, I'd say.

- And so if asking Lauren to
marry you is like level 15,

what level do you
feel like you're on?

Honestly.

- Probably 14 and
three quarters ish.

I mean, it's pretty close.

But here's the thing,

it's been on 14
and three quarters

for like a year or two.

- Wow, how much sex
were you getting

before you guys settled down.

Do you feel like
you got enough sex

out there in the world?

- I mean, I wasn't
the best at dating.

I don't think, it
wasn't the worst,

but, you know, I'm
no player, you know?

- Yeah, I was good at dating,

but I wasn't good at sex.

- Oh.

- I am the worst at sex.

I'm very bad.

- Yeah, what do you think
the problem is there?

- I just get nervous.

I'm like one of those,

you ever seen those animals that

faint when they get
nervous, you know?

- [laughs] No.

What animals are these?

- Yeah they're like
goats on the internet,

and they faint when
they get nervous,

and that's how I am,

like I hold my breath
when I'm having sex,

and then Ill just kinda faint.

- It's a problem.

- Yeah, I'm not that good at it.

It sounds like he
thinks his ding

hasn't had enough
ling, you know?

He hadn't done
enough tippy-tappy

in that drippy-drappy.

[ambient music]

You've been sitting
on the ring for

2 and a half years, right?

- Yeah.

- If you're afraid
to make that jump,

one of the reasons could be

because you're worried about,

not being able to
be single again.

- Right.

- So I thought I'd give
you the environment

of what it's like to be single.

- Yeah it's not
really an environment

that I'm familiar with--

- That's okay.

I don't think anybody
is comfortable in it,

you know?

I think sometimes that's just

this idea we have that

there's a guy out there

that's comfortable in this.

Only a shark is comfortable
in these waters,

you know?

It's not that hard.

Hey, how's it going?

- Oh, hi, sorry.

- Sorry I'm gonna
wave my hand at you.

I'm not a harassment person.

- I'm Courtney,
nice to meet you.

- Theo. Nice to see you.

This is my friend Matt.

- Hey.

- Hi Matt, how are you?

- How's it going?

- Good.

- I have, actually,
adult asthma.

- Oh no.

- Do you have it?

- I don't, no.

- I thought we might
have some of the same

issues and diseases.

- Oh, no.

Have a good night.

- Okay, if you see me
struggling to breathe,

you know what's up.

So, I think it went okay.

- Yeah, it went alright.

It's a little weird.

- Yeah. Here's the thing,

she hated me before
she got here.

She'll hate me later.

But I conversated, I won right?

- Yeah.

- So at least if
I go home tonight,

and masturbate by myself,

at least I still have
her voice in my ears.

- Yeah.

- You feel me?

- Yeah, I mean, you're still
a winner in that sense.

- Yes, you gotta take a win
where you can get a win, right?

- Yeah.

- So being single is just about

getting little wins.

So to have that single vibe,

you can go out in here,

I want you to meet
a couple of girls.

- We gonna go together, or?

- I'm gonna stay here
and hold down the nest,

you know?

- God, I'm a jar of just,

I don't even know.

I'm, God, freaking the
fuck out right now.

- Are you really?

- Yeah.

- You're fine.

Bro, you're big
semen, I'm big semen.

We were semen look
how far we've come.

- Semen?

- You got this.

- Alright.

[upbeat music]

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm Matt.

- Hi, Brie

- Good to meet you, Brie.

- Jess.

- Jess, hey, good
to meet you, Matt.

- Nice to meet you too.

- Hey, so how's
it going tonight?

- Good, how are you?

- Not bad.

Can't complain too much.

You guys having a
girls' night here?

- Yeah, we are actually.

- I could maybe do that.

[women laugh]

What's the plans here?

- Probably go to Malibu.

- The Bu?

Okay, that sounds like fun.

You guys gonna do like
lines of cocaine there

and all kinds of crazy crap?

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry, that's
a little forward.

I don't mean to like--

- I'm sorry we're
just like talking,

me and my girlfriend.

- Yeah.

- It's girls night.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't wanna interrupt you.

What kind of girls night
are we talking here?

- We just haven't
seen each other

- What do you mean?

- I have no idea what I mean.

I'm sorry, awesome, okay.

- Have a good night.

- ALright, you too.

[whistles]

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How's it going?

- Good.
- I'm Matt.

- I'm Elaine, nice to meet you.

- Good to meet you.

- What do you do?

- I'm a video game developer.

- Oh, cool.

Sounds fun.

- Yeah.

- Sound very smart.

- Some people have maybe
said that in the past.

[Elaine laughs]

I guess I'm, yeah, I'm alright.

- Do you do well for yourself?

Do you make good money?

- Yeah, I do alright.

My game is doing alright, yeah.

- You obviously have
like a cool job,

it seems like you do well,

I'm like really really
struck for cash right now.

And I could like hardly
afford this drink

to be honest.

Its really
embarrassing but like,

is there any way you
could spot me like

1000 dollars?

- I mean I gotta say, I
literally just met you.

- I know, I know.

- It's like a big request,

and I know this is Los Angeles

filled with like billionaires,

but I do alright.

I'm not like a,

I don't have fuck
you money, you know?

- Oh, you don't?

- No.

[laughs]

Listen, I'm really sorry.

I can't really do that.

I gotta get to my friend.

- Oh okay.

- It was really
nice to meet you.

- I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean for that
to come across weird.

- I'm sorry about that.

- Okay, alright.

- Matt got thrown to the lions,

female L.A. lions.

The kind that eat
cocaine instead of meat.

And they, they're naughty.

How'd it go?

- I'm gonna have to go with bad.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Dude, I'm glad you got a
taste of the single life man.

Sometimes it's a naughty taste.

- Yeah.

- Okay, it's like licking
yourself when you shouldn't.

And the kicker is,

while you've been here
being single with me

the whole time, of course,

Lauren has been out
being single as well.

I'm not trying to
trick you or anything,

but I just want you to know that

that's how it would work.

I sent over my boy Tasty Jimmy,

he's chill, he's Italian.

- Tasty Jimmy?

- Yeah, I don't know
how he got the nickname.

A lot of chicks give it to him.

But that's his life.

- I didn't know
this was the deal.

- Right.

Well how would you feel

if you're girl were
with some guy right now?

- Not so great, not
so great at all.

- Okay,

well I say we go and check out

what's going on with them.

How about that?

- Alright.

- Let me get this.

[romantic music]

- You look really nice.

- Thank you.

Oh I was going to
say this is vintage.

- It is very vintage.

It actually reminds me
of my favorite emoji,

the senorita one?

- Oh yes.

- Yes.

- I'm a walking senorita emoji.

- Which is a compliment
in the biggest way.

- Look man, that's what
single life is like,

you know?

- Yeah, real disappointing.

- Right, and so I
wanted to show you

if that's what single
life is like there,

then of course if
you were single,

then Lauren would
be single as well.

- What kind of
position do you like,

I know we're at a cat place,

but what about doggy-style?

- I mean, [laughs].

- It's Tasty Jimmy?

- Yeah it's him.

He's Italian.

- Sounds like a
great time in there.

- Right, I didn't wanna
have to show you this,

but it's like you know
sometimes we don't,

we can't see what we can't see.

- Yeah.

- You know until you
see what could be

if you don't make a
move on a special girl,

then you don't know.

And this is what that
would look like man.

- This dude I don't know
and a bunch of cats?

- Oh that's Jimmy dude.

- Yeah.

- And he's definitely, I mean,

already has some,
a little bit of ED,

erectile dysfunction, but

he makes up for
it with his hands.

His great grandfather
was a pianist.

- Oh God.

- So I'm just saying,
sometimes look man,

I know you design games,

sometimes you gotta
design that final level.

- Alright.

- And I'm gonna
be level with you.

Last night, I broke
into your house

and borrowed these.

- I don't recognize
those at all actually.

- Oh well these are somebody's.

- Alright well, who?

- I also got this man.

Is this yours?

- That actually is mine.

That's the ring I was
gonna give to Lauren, yeah.

- Gonna give when, you know?

- I, oh God.

- How does it make you
feel whenever you see that,

you know?

- I don't know, I
don't feel good at all.

- No time like the present guy.

- If you wanna
bring another pussy

in the relationship
already, I will.

[Lauren laughs]

- You can't design this,

but you gotta live it dude.

- Yeah, yeah.

- No time like the present guy.

- Yeah, I guess
you're right, yeah.

- Final level.

No more Tasty Jimmys.

You got this.

- Hey Tasty, take a hike.

Coz this pussy's mine.

- [laughs] Matt?

- Alright, Lauren
hey come up come up.

- What are you doing,

I have a cat treat
in my hand, hold on.

- This is not really
how I pictured

doing this here,

but Lauren, I'm sorry I
took so long to do this.

And you know this is
pretty weird way to do it.

But, you know, you've
been waiting a long time

and I do love you.

- Aww [laughs].

- Lauren, I--

- Yeah?

- Yeah, hold on a sec,

Jesus Christ, Lauren--

[Lauren screams]

Yeah, will you marry me?

- Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes,

I didn't think you
would do this [laughs].

- Yeah, I know.

This is a real thing.

- I can't believe
this is happening.

Is this real?

- Yeah, this is a real thing.

- Man this week was
really really special.

You know, they're
committing to a lifetime of

love and matrimony
and, you know,

sharing mail.

But, Matt's not the only one
who walked out of that cafe

with a new piece of puassy.

I met this person,

Sugar.