Man Up (2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - Call Me by Your Name, Ron - full transcript

- Men are struggling.

Chewing with their mouths open,

sexual harassment,
being, um, Shia LaBeouf.

Thankfully, I'm here to help.

Now why am I qualified?

'Cause I got a gender
neutral hair cut,

a popular podcast, and
I've had scoliosis.

Welcome to Man Up.

This week we're
talking about stress.

You know, the silent killer.

It's like a hungry mouse
inside of a cheese heart.



I got a call from Josh,
one of our long time

listeners, and he says he's
seriously stressed out.

And, seriously appears
to be an understatement.

Let's take a look,
baby, get that head up.

Josh really needed
a new way to relax

and I knew exactly what to do.

Theo.

- Josh.

- Yeah, nice to
finally meet you man.

- Nice to meet you.

- Yeah, how's everything?

- I'm doing as best
as can be, you know.

- Yeah.

- Morning traffic and all that.



- Yeah.

Yeah, man, thank you
for making the drive.

I appreciate it.

- No problem.

- So I know you reached out.

A lot of stress going
on in your life.

What's going on with that?

- Um.

About 14 years ago, I
was planning on making

a road trip to all the
open major league try outs.

- For baseball?

- For baseball.

And I was working at
**** Electronics,

and I had half a palette
of computers following me.

Screwed up my back.

- No way.

Desktops, or?

- Yeah.

Big boxes, about like that big.

- Oh.

- That instantly just
screwed up my dream

career ideas, and, so just
everything is stressing

me out now.

- So the stuff you're
doing right now,

the metal with the
bat and everything,

I get it.

You know, but it's just
kind of old school.

- Yeah.

- You know, it's Roman.

It's very used car
dealership violent.

Those ideas are,
I made this chart.

- Wrong.

- Wrong.

And it said wrong
until I accidentally--

- Scribbled 'em out?

- Scribbled 'em out.

Yes, thank you.

But sometimes when
you have wrong ideas,

you gotta fold up
those wrong ideas,

and when you make
wrongigami and you fold up

those wrong ideas, what
do you get left with?

- Ron?

- R-O-N.

Ron.

- Ron.

- An adult's name.

I'm gonna introduce
you right now

to a man named Ron, the
most stress free guy ever.

- Alright.
- And he's gonna help us.

You get it?

- Yeah.

Sounds good.

- Alright, thanks for
being here today, Josh.

- Thanks for having me.

- Yeah.

Ron is the chillest
dude that I know.

- Ah.

Namaste, gentlemen.

- Honestly, if I had
to just curl up inside

of a dude and take a nap,

it would be in Ron.

- Josh.

- Pleasure to meet you.

- Pleasure to meet you.

- He's just a smooth,
silky, dark, polyester,

chocolate throat
lozenge of a man.

No shades, eh?

- Yeah.

- You got nice
eyes, too, I feel like.

I'm just guessing.

- Don't hide 'em.

Don't hide 'em.

Let us see the windows
into your soul.

- See, I told you he's calm.

- He is calm.

- For me, a part of relaxing
is learning to let go.

Learning to deal with
loss and learning to

give up expectations, but
never give up hope, you know?

- Yeah.

- There's always
needs to be found.

- 'Cause he struggles, this man.

- Oh, I can see it, I
could feel the energy

as soon as he walked in.

It changed.

My plants starting
leaning away from him.

- You're not
a bad person, though.

- No.

You got a good spirit.

It's with you, I see it.

You just got hurt a little bit.

- Yeah.

- And it's tough for
you to let that go.

I understand that.

I couldn't imagine
what it would be like

if all of a sudden
they were just like,

"Hey, you just can't
do comedy anymore."

So I understand it
and I appreciate it

and we're gonna
get you through it.

Let's just meditate a
little bit right now.

- Yeah, maybe we'll
go around the room

and each release something.

- Sounds great.

Reflectionism.

- Being on a first name
basis with different

insects in my apartment.

- LA traffic.

- Having to buy a
gift for my assistant

that normally purchases
the gifts that I give out.

It's like,

who picks out your gift?

- Yeah, part of me kind of,

wants to fuck with
you guys a little.

- Okay.

Okay, I think we're done.

- That's a real one
I can resonate with.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's just remember that one.

I can tell you're
just in a deep need

of relaxation and
luckily for you, I mean,

we're in an era where
there's just so many

different ways to relax.

There's so many
different options,

especially here in LA.

You got so many
things you can do.

You can hike.

You can meditate.

Yoga.

There's all types of exercise.

And if that doesn't work for ya,

there's always weed.

- Weed is a great relaxer.

Even when Bob Marley, they
told him he had cancer,

he just said,
"Whatever," and died.

- Sure, there are a lot
of problems in the world.

A lot of famine.

A lot of murder.

But it's also, like,
there's cartoons and shit,

and we could be watchin' them.

- That's a good point.

It's crazy to think
how many cartoons

are out there and that
we're not watching

them at all times.

- Mhm.

Or, I'm a firm believer, if, uh,

every TV that has the
news on like at an airport

or something, if
you just turned it

and then put it on like the
Muppet Babies or something,

the whole world would
be a lot less stressed.

- 100%.

- We wouldn't know
what was going on, but,

who cares?

- Hm.

Yeah, the problem with
Muppet Babies is it never,

you don't know what
happened next, you know?

- Yeah, yeah.

- I just assumed that Muppet
Babies became the Muppets.

- Oh yeah.

Damn.

I fuckin' love weed, dude.

- Well a lot of your
issues stem from the fact

that you lost something that
was very important to you,

a dream of yours.

But, I'm here to tell
you that you can have

all types of dreams
and that's what

we're gonna work on today.

We're gonna build a
little dream board.

Come up with some new goals

to help you refocus.

You cool with that?

- Yeah.

- Side boob.

- Okay, well I want to
encourage you to think

a little bit outside the boob.

- I'll save this for home, okay?

- Now, when it comes to
pickin' the right picture,

to go on your vision board,

you gotta make
sure it's something

that speaks to you directly.

- Look what I got.

- Poodles.

- Twin poodles.

- I got me a cruise ship
'cause I wanna go on a cruise.

- Okay.

We're leaving a
little stress already.

- Ooh.

A Bulgari emerald
and diamond necklace.

- Ooh, that would
look good on you.

- Thanks.

- It's fun to do
crafts together as men.

- Yeah people forget
how much fun this

kind of stuff is, man.

Lowkey, yolked out fellas.

- And they don't get it.

They're like, "Oh what
are you guys up doing?

"You're out at the club,
you're out drinking,

"you're out at the race track."

It's like, no, I'm out making
dreams with my friends.

Coming up with goals.

That's what we're about.

- How do you feel Josh?

- Less stressed.

This helped.

- Yeah.

Envisioning stuff is
fun, man, but I think

maybe we light into a
couple of massages, bruh.

Like some true
gentlemen, you know.

Like some adults.

You know, nothing crazy.

Like make your own
pizza kind of thing?

You had 'em before?

- Uh yeah.

- And who was the person?

Do you remember who they
were, what they looked like?

- Uh.

I think their name was Tim.

- He sounds like a good person.

- Yeah, you gotta
remember, if a man touches

your body like that, it's
helpful to remember their name.

They prefer it.

- Yeah.

- Probably.

- Yeah, I remember the
man that touched me.

Dale.

- That's beautiful.

- So let's get this--

- Are you still
thinking about it?

- I don't know what I'm
thinking about, man.

I wish I had a vision
board in my head right now.

Yeah, we should get one man.

We should get a massage.

Massage?

- Massage.

- Mhm.

- Man, you got a lot
more body than I thought.

You feel that full pressure?

- Mhm.

* I am most happy

- How you feelin' playa?

- Good.

* On the quicksand

* Things change rapidly

* With an--

- Theo.

- Yep?

- You gotta get
those thighs, man.

- Gang, gang, bro.

I get it.

Alright.

- Now we're talkin'.

- Right there in
the dorsal, huh?

- Yeah, now you workin'.

- Oh, that's that old polis

birthday party right there.

- Don't be afraid
of that butt meat.

- Give him that old American
Werewolf in Paris, bro.

Like that.

- Make that a loaf of bread.

What you got?

What is he, rye?

Sourdough?

What is he?

- He might be that
cinnamon raisin, baby.

- Ooh.

- You know what I'm sayin'

- Yeah.

Good for breakfast or lunch.

- Oh yeah.

- That's your old television.

- My turn, brother.

I got next, man.

* I am most happy

* Playing in the quicksand

* Things change rapidly

Marco.

- Polo.

- Marco.

- Polo.

* With an ever so slight
- Marco!

Oh, I got you!

- You got me, dude.

- Wanna go get some ice cream?

- Ice cream?

Yeah.
- Yeah.

Now rollerblading is
one of the lamest things

that you can do, but for
some reason when you're high,

it's fuckin' awesome.

It's really just like
trying to walk around

in wheeled feet.

We had fun.

We got wild.

I mean, we wore helmets, but,

we acted like we didn't.

Good job, pal.

Good job, Josh.

You had a good time today?

- Oh yeah.

- Cool man.

How do you feel?

- Less stressed.

- Honestly, so long as
you're just spending time

with other people.

- It's true.

- You know, and a lot
of things you were

talking about before, it didn't
really include those things,

you know?

- Yeah.

- I mean, traffic's a
sedentary environment.

You know, beating
metal with a bat.

That's something
you do by yourself.

Masturbation.

That's usually
something you do alone

unless you're a part of a
club or synchronized group.

It's funny man.

Something when you
get out and about

and get going with other people,

you know, if we quit listening
to the voice in our heads,

sometimes that voice
can be so stressed out

and we just listen
to somebody else.

That calm, passive, beautiful
dark dolphin himself.

Only one thing left to do.

- What's that?

- I feel like I'm
just pettin' a bubble bath.

- Ooh you strong
but gentle, I like it.

Oh yeah boy.

Oh yeah boy.

Oh yeah boy.

Oh yeah boy.