Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 5 - Man Stroke Woman - full transcript

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Do you know what really
annoys me about men?

Is when they get really
upset about something

and they won't show their feelings
because it's not manly enough.

- It's ridiculous.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, god, you know what
annoys me though, even more,

is when their boiled
egg isn't runny enough,

and you have to
wear the hat of shame

and then they lock you in the
naughty cupboard for two days

without food or
drink. It's like, ahh.

Yeah.

What?



[Theme tune]

♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪

♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪

♪ but I shake it my way ♪

♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪

♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪

♪ but I'm only singing out ♪

♪ to get through the crowd ♪

Did you remember the sun cream?

Nah, you'll be
alright, won't ya?

Yeah, probably.

Just remembering last summer
I burnt my boobs so badly

I couldn't touch them for weeks.

There you go.



Should be, should be fine now.

[Man] Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the cloudfinder.

The cloudfinder will be the
largest roller coaster in the world

by over 20,000 feet,

quite literally taking
riders into the clouds.

Any questions?

What-what has this got to do with
the company's feasibility of migrating

our operations to
south east Asia?

Erm, wasn't asked to do a
presentation on that, was I?

Well, actually,
Darren, yes, yes it was.

We-we discussed
this at-at great length.

No.

No, you said that we were
going to design a theme park

and you wanted me to be
responsible for the roller coaster.

Ah... oh, shit,
was that a dream?

Oh, shit.

So, if you want, I won't
tell people it was me who,

you know, called it off.

We can say it was
mutual. I'm cool with that.

Stay in touch?

[Exhales]

I broke up with Bob.

I am the dumper.

He's the dumpee.

See, I didn't want
to have ugly babies

so I had to break up with him.

So, you know, what're you going to
do? You have to break up with them.

When I said it was over
he-he got a nose bleed.

[Indistinct shouting]

Look at him! Running after me.

Somebody please help him.

Get over it, Bob. Get over it!

Hello, police.

[Squeaky voice] Hello, I'd like
to report an attempted murder.

Ok, madam.

-Sir, honestly. [Sneezes] Bless me. Sorry.
-Sorry. Right.

I live with my six friends and recently
we took on a lodger, a young woman.

Anyway, a couple of
weeks ago we get back

and she's tied up, been tied
up with these colourful laces,

and someone has
tried to suffocate her.

Ok, so...

Then last week, I haven't
finished yet, last week we get back,

she's lying on the
floor, almost dead,

with this comb in her hair and
someone's tried to poison her.

And then today there
was this big red apple.

Ok, I'm just gonna
have to stop you there.

It's just it's the third time it's happened
so I thought I should mention it.

Right, you and your six
friends, how-how tall are you?

We're quite short. We're...
We work in the woods where...

- Dwarfs. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, this is Karen, isn't it?

Yeah, can you bring back
some bog-roll. I need to do a poo.

Oh, well, why don't
you go and get it

cos they sell it in
the newsagents.

No, I'm still in my pyjamas.

Well, it's five o'clock, why
don't you get changed?

Nah.

I'll bring some back.
Are you gonna be alright?

- [Strained] Yeah.
- Oh. Don't strain.

You better hurry.
You better come home.

- Ahh.
- Bye-bye.

- Oh, don't go.
- [Sighs]

- [Hangs up]
- Bye.

[Sighs] Hello, police.

- [Applause]
- [Band playing jazz]

Thank you. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, if
you write to you local council

and tell them you're disabled,

they'll send you a
master key like this one.

It gets you access to
over 2,000 secure toilets

up and down the country

that the public can't
normally get access to.

Ok, boys, hit it.

[Jazz playing]

Faliraki, huh?

Oh, what a laugh.

You... you should definitely
come with next time

and... and them geordie girls,

it's like they're from a
different planet or something.

I've got something for you,

brought you a little
something back.

Tada!

You still smoking?

No.

Why don't you give 'em
to a mate or something.

Ok.

Thank, but I'm
only 12, uncle Jack.

Listen, listen, you're old
enough to smoke, yeah.

And there's nothing
I can do-do about it,

is there, really?

You want another beer?

I haven't finished
this one, uncle Jack.

Have another
beer, you little poof.

[Couple moaning]

Oh, yeah.

Oooh, I'm gonna go.

Oh, I'm gonna go.

- Oh, I'm going...
- For Christ sake!

What's the matter?

Right, it's coming, not going.

Sorry.

I didn't know what you were gonna
do. You just scared the shit out of me.

I'm sorry, babe.
It, you know, it just,

it just helps me
to go if I call it that.

It's cum. Cum!

Lovely. Ok. Would you
like to turn the engine off?

Right, let me just
have a, have a look.

Did I pass or...?

Hold on, impatient,
little miss impatient.

- Just give me a second.
- Sorry.

You must know if I passed or...

Well...

[Coughs] To be
honest, I wasn't...

Really concen... Trating.

What?

Well, I just seem
to have drifted off

and-and not...

Made any notes on...

You weren't concentrating
on my driving?

Oh, god, you know what it's
like when you're being driven.

I mean, you look out
the window and it's all,

look, I'd love to live there.

Well, yeah, but not
when you're the instructor

- cos that's what you are.
- Yeah, I know.

- More wine, Suzie?
- Thanks.

So where's Laura?

Oh, she had to work late again.

Tim, that's her boss,

needed her to
prioritise his database,

whatever that means.

Erm, she had to work late
last time we came round.

No, er, last time she had to
help Tim move into his new flat.

Oh.

On your birthday?

Er, yeah, that was because she
needed to go away for the weekend

with Tim to Paris for training.

Hmm, right.

And-and your barbecue?

Ahh, yeah, Tim needed her to go
on holiday with him to Barbados.

Right, she seems to be spending
an awful lot of time with Tim, Jason.

I know, he's a bloody
slave driver. [Chuckles]

Sorry, mate, but do you not think
that they might be having an affair?

- [Door opens]
- Hello.

There she is.

Oh, yee of little faith. Hello,
darling, we're through here.

Hi, I'm not stopping, I've just
come to pick up a few things.

Tim's asked me to move
in with him for a while,

just work stuff.

So I won't be a minute.

See, it's just work.

I'm taking the car. Oh, yes,
and that painting, actually.

Right, bye.

- Bye.
- See ya.

[Chatter on TV]

- Who's that?
- That's the detective.

Who-who's that?

Yeah, that's his brother,
he's on the run from the mob.

Is-is he?

Yeah, cos they explained that
at the beginning, didn't they?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Oh, so is she in the mob? No.
- No.

No, she's the lawyer that
they're both in love with.

Yeah, I-I got it, I got it.

Ooh, so the lawyer, she's
in love with his brother.

That is correct, yeah.

How is the lawyer involved?

Oh, for god's sake, Emma,
can't you follow anything?

Ok, you just need to calm
down, Louise, cos I'm just asking.

- I'm watching a movie here.
- My name's Caroline.

Ok, Caroline, sorry.

Where's the bathroom?

It's your house.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

- It's up on the left.
- On the left.

Ok, so you know that, erm,
thing we were talking about,

the-the cross dressing thing.

Mmm.

Well, erm...

I thought a lot
about it and, er,

yeah, if you wanna do it, then
go ahead, you do your stuff.

Thank you.

Oh. [Nervous chuckle]

[Sucking her teeth]

Ah, I still look
like Brian, don't i?

No. No.

Erm, I dunno, maybe it's
because I-I know you so well.

So you don't think I
can carry it off then?

- Honestly?
- Yeah.

Not really, no.

Aww.

It's alright, come here.

You tried.

Yeah.

[Rock music plays]

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hello.

You must be Tom.

Yeah, Tom. Pleased to meet you.

Tom, hi. Hi.

You a Muslim, Tom?

No. Not Muslim, are you, Tom?

No, not a Muslim.

He wears that because
he's far too attractive

and everywhere we went girls
were always flirting with him.

- It was hell.
- It was hell.

So Lisa thought it best if
I was never seen again.

Yeah. And since wearing
it he gets far less attention,

don't you, babe?

Yeah, seems to have really

cleared up the problem. Yeah...

- Shall we get some drinks?
- Yes, shall we have a little drink?

- Ok.
- Little drinky poo.

- Oh, Tom, just...
- Mmm-hmm.

Uh-oh. [Laughs]

He forgets those all the time.

It's just that it's the eyes,
the window to the soul.

[Laughs] Ok, see ya.

- I'll be back.
- Ok.

Oh, god, that smells gorgeous.

Hope you're hungry.

I am starving.

Thank you, darling, cooking
for me two nights in a row.

Do you know, you are
so different to most men.

They'd just assume
that cooking for girls

means you're gonna
get sex at the end of it,

which is completely ridiculous.

And, to be honest, you're not
an overtly sexual person either,

which is nice, good thing.

[Chuckles]

Alright.

Erm, my car, it's just making
some really weird noises.

What kind of noises?

Erm, grunts a bit, squeaking.

If I go to park it goes,

[gasps]

Erm, grating, annoying noises.

Right.

Watch the paintwork,
you dick wad.

I think I've found your problem.

[Woman] Tim's been
crying a lot recently.

I think school's really, really
getting to him at the moment.

Really?

Yeah, did you know that
he's been receiving hate mail?

Oh, yeah, that was me.

Sorry, you sent them?

Yes, yes I did.

Er, I just think
he's a bit of a cock.

He's really, really scared.

Well, I'm not surprised, they
were quite graphic, weren't they?

What with all the violent
pictures and everything.

Yeah, no, he's-he's
six years old.

Yes. Yeah, it doesn't
matter, I still don't like him.

He's our son.

Well, I feel for you.
And whiny, isn't he?

- He's six.
- Exactly.

We can't let children be thick and
annoying indefinitely, you know.

There's got to be a time when we say get
lost and don't come back, mummy's boy.

Do you not think?

Are you not gonna
apologise then?

No, no. Cos I really,
really don't like him.

Can you not teach him at home?

I work.

So do I.

Yeah, yeah, as-as a teacher.

Oh, yeah.

[Shutter clicks]

[Exhales deeply]

[Giggles]

Take that you little jerk.

[Shutter clicks]

[Laughs]

Ooh.

[Shutter clicks]

[Sighs]

[Bell ringing]

- Hi. Hi, I'm Chris.
- Hiya.

Hi, I'm Kate. Hi.

- Have you done this before?
- Yeah, a couple of times, yeah.

- So what'd you do?
- I'm in software engineering.

[Laughs]

Oh, my god, you're so funny.

You're like the funniest
man I've ever met.

It's just so much
fun being with you.

- Yeah, it's great.
- Yeah.

And what about
you, what do you do?

Oh, god, you're such a
good listener. I'm a designer.

Are you? A designer.

Oh, tell my about your family.

Well, er, my-my parents
live in hove, by the sea.

Erm, Chris, [laughs]

Why haven't I met your
parents yet? Why not?

Er, it's a little soon, I think.

Why are you hiding me away?
Why are you being so secretive?

What's your problem? What is your
mental problem with intimacy issues?

Calm down.

Look at me, Chris, not
her. Stop looking at her.

Who is she? Why are you looking
at her? What's so good about her?

She's got arms. Oh, wow.

Er, she's... I hardly
know her. She's just...

Yeah, but you're lying, cos I saw
you speaking to her two minutes ago.

Well, yes, that's,
we're-we're speed dating.

Oh, my god. I don't believe
this. I don't believe this.

I just realised, you're still
in love with her, aren't you?

You haven't got over her and the whole
time we've been talking you're wishing

that you were with her.

Oh, god, I just... I don't
actually think that I can...

Go on with this level
of pain anymore, Chris.

Sorry. For that
reason I'm gonna say

I think that we are not
meant to be together.

- [Bell ringing]
- I know.

[Woman crying]

Hello.

Hi, I'm sorry. Erm, I'm Claire.

I've just come out of a really...
Quite an abusive relationship,

so I'm quite fragile now. Sorry.

Sorry, I couldn't help but
notice but your Charlotte

loves those little angel
cakes they made, doesn't she?

Oh, yeah, she's certainly
got a health appetite.

Oh, yeah.

Either that or she'll end up like
one of those American women

you see on channel five who
are too fat to leave the house.

Just lies there
like a big fat blob,

crying and watching ricki lake.

Oh, oh, look, there's the
husband back from Iceland

with 50 tubs of ice cream.

He is sobbing as he
comes up the drive.

He loves her, he knows he's
killing her but what can he do?

Then it's the
inevitable heart attack.

They have to winch her body

out of the window
to get her out.

The coffin looks
like a bungalow.

[Laughs]

Or she'll be fine.

Hey, going to a party,
alright, with Mary from work.

Ok, have fun.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Yeah, right. I
borrowed your penis.

Right, see ya... What?

I've, er, I've-I've
borrowed your penis.

Where's me knob gone?

Please don't make a big deal out
of this, alright. I really have to go.

Well, why can't
you take your own?

You've seen mine.
It's just normal.

Yours is just more interesting.

And, you know, it,

it seemed silly me
taking this old thing

when there's a better one
just lying around the flat.

Fine, fine. Just-just, gone on.

Don't make a habit of it.

- Thank you.
- Ok.

Oh, and please, just make
sure it comes back clean.

You'll be able to
eat your dinner off it.

For fuck sake, Karen,

it's a whore in the bedroom.

Hi. Is it, is it
your lunch break?

No, I've got the day off.

I'm just-just hanging
out, you know.

I really love motorbikes.

Dunno if you fancy maybe
taking me for a spin or something?

Hmm?

Oh, the gear, yeah.

Er, no, no, I-I don't have
a motorbike or anything.

I just, I-I bruise easily.

But, erm, hey, we could go for a
stroll or something, if you fancy that?

Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
Sorry, just got to...

- You're doing that with...
- Ring-ring.

Doing it with your mouth.

Hello.

Hello, police.

Fire, fire upon this evil world and
the tormented burglars that lie in it.

I-I was dancing

and I've lost an
incredibly important item.

I don't know if I lost it,
actually, or if it's got stolen.

- Right.
- But I left just before midnight.

Ok, can you tell me
what this item is, please?

It's a glass slipper.

Right, and your name is?

Cinderella.

Oh, no, it's not is
it? It's Karen bedford.

- Yeah.
- Of 42 Whitmore gardens.

Oh, yeah, I-I was doing
so well, I so got you.

- No, you didn't. No, you didn't.
- I so did.

Oh, my god, I've never
heard you more gotted.

- I wasn't got.
- You were so got.

No, I wasn't.

You thought I was cinderella.

No, I didn't. Why am I
having this conversation?

- Go away!
- And go to your boss and they...

- [Hangs up]
- Hello, police.

John, that was fantastic.
You clinched that deal.

Thank you.

- I mean, you were amazing.
- Oh, come on.

You were absolutely amazing.
You threw ideas at them.

- I've never seen anything like it.
- You were just bam-bam-bam.

Seriously, seriously, how
can we thank you, please?

Oh, come on, guys, no, you don't
have to do anything to thank me.

- Come on.
- Please.

Oh, god, I don't know then,

why don't you two kiss?

- What?
- What?

Why don't you two have a kiss...

Please.

Ok.

Erm, sorry.

[Both laugh]

Oh, that's brilliant.

Cool.

[Air horn]

Actually, erm, could
you stop doing that?

- What?
- That.

- What?
- Fine. Forget it.

[Air horn]

For god's sake.

I'm not doing anything.

Bloody hell.

[Message tone]

Oh, there we go.

[Groans]

Right. 'Sorry, guys,
car wouldn't start.

On the bus, be right
there. Steve. Kiss.'

fine. Tell him,
tell him we'll wait.

You're not gonna send
it like that, are you?

What?

You haven't, you
haven't put kiss.

What?

You've signed your name
but you haven't put a kiss.

- Steve put a kiss on his.
- What you talking about?

Come on, just pop a little
kiss on before you send it.

Don't be a kiss when
you send it to a bloke.

- I'm sending it like this.
- He'll think we're angry with him.

- Yeah, we are angry with him.
- But there's no need to upset him.

- Reciprocate the kiss.
- Fine.

Come on. Put a kiss on,
you know, smooth things over.

Ok, ok. There.

[Coughs] Whoa.

D... don't put two.
He only gave you one.

Yeah, well, I'm
not putting one, ok.

So if I put one that's like
I'm giving him an actual kiss,

that's like, ergh, you
know what I mean?

It's like I want to get off
with him or something

no, two's more like,
mwah, mwah, it's casual.

Two is insincere.

- Fine.
- They cancel each other out.

Yeah, well, one is flirting, it's
too sexy. I'm sending it like this.

Do four.

Four is fine. It's an
an explosion of kisses.

It says, you know,
i'm-I'm excited,

I can't wait to see you,
don't worry about being late.

- Do four. Four's nice.
- Four?

Fine. Four.

So what are we gonna
do when we get to Paris?

We're gonna check into the hotel

and then I'm gonna make
sweet, sweet love to you.

[Female on tannoy] He even
dates girls that look like me.

Long hair, teeth.

Look at him, drinking a latte.

That's because he's turned
gay since I dumped him.

He peed his pants
once when he was ill.

He actually peed in his pants.

Dum-diddy-dum-diddy-dum-dum-dum.

Dum-diddly-dum-diddly-dum-dum-dum.

There's about three days
left to sort it out cos our...

Oh, hey, how did you get on?

Hello, mate.

You alright? Look like
you've seen a ghost.

Turn to page 68.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

Six years we've been together.

Erm,

maybe that was... Taken
before you met her?

It's our bathroom.
I only just did it up.

Who-who's the man,
nah-nah-nah, who are the men?

I've no idea.

I like what you've
done with the tiles.

[Doorbell]

Oh, hello.

Sorry to disturb you, madam.

I'm knocking on doors in the
local area, I need your help.

I'm looking for a
woman, fair hair,

about your height,
average build.

Passionate, good
sense of humour,

enjoys walks in the parks.

Someone who's gentle
but with real zest for life.

To share fun, friendship
and maybe more.

Well, that's me.

Excellent.

I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you

to accompany me to the
cinema please, madam.

Just a minute.

- Hello, I'm sue.
- Hello, I'm Nathan.

Great. Oh, shut the door.

Do you lock your door, madam?

There' been a spate
of burglaries in the area.

I've had such a
good time tonight.

Yeah, me too.

I haven't laughed
so much in ages.

It's weird. I somehow
always manage to ruin a date

when it's going really well.

Yeah, well, I don't think you're
gonna have that problem this time.

Come to bed.

[Man] Here comes

the aeroplane!

[Makes plane noises]

Mmm. Nah.

Was it... Was it the aeroplane?

Yeah. Doesn't work.

- Right.
- Alright. Bye.

Bye.

[Man] Shut your eyes.

Hold out your hands

cos I have got
something for you.

Dada!

Oh, wow! Look, new jeans.

You don't think they're
a bit on the small side?

What's that supposed to mean?

It was a joke.

I'm joking.

Yeah, I didn't mean any...

Anything by it
at all. It's just, er,

they're from Andy's little girl.

These are for you.

Oh, these are fine.

These are, these
are toddler's jeans,

I don't think you'll ever...

No problem.

Check it out.

Amazing.

Yeah. Good jeans.

God, it's big, isn't
it? I love this room.

It's very open plan, isn't it?

Is it just me or is it
a bit cold in here?

The cold, yes.

Erm, the house is actually
permeated by unspeakable evil.

Er, it feels nothing but hatred towards
anyone who wishes to make it their home.

And, as you can see, the
windows let in an awful lot of light.

Sorry, Suzie, just a bit
concerned about this evil thing.

Er, what's through there?

Ah, yeah, that's the cellar,
er, the 'thing' lives down there.

It's basically a shapeless
mass of malevolent energy.

- R-Right. And what does it do?
- Does it matter what it does?

[Whispered] I'm
just asking the lady.

Well, actually, er it guards a
gateway to another dimension.

Now you are gonna love
this little room round here.

This is great.

Erm, sorry, is-is
this thing a problem?

Not unless you look
at it. Never look at it.

[Laughs]

Sorry about Tim. He always wants
to know every tiny detail, don't you?

Sorry. So is this south
facing this garden?

It is south facing. You get all
the sunlight in the afternoon

- and as you can see it's quite...
- Who's that?

Oh, crikey, I was really hoping
he wouldn't manifest himself today.

- [Laughs]
- Ahh.

Right, I've got to be honest,
I'm really not into this place.

Tim!

Really? Sorry is-is
there anything particular?

Oh, you know, it's just
that pervasive sense of evil

and foreboding and
the... Dead clown.

Those sort of things, you know.

Right. Well, the schools
round here are very good.

- There's a dead clown in the garden.
- Really?

Yes, yes.

[Woman on megaphone]
Don't get your hopes up.

The sex is bad.

You won't know...

If he's in you or not.

He'll probably cry

and call you mummy.

Leave now.

[Sad music playing]

I do miss all that
since Jane moved out.

The closeness, the intimacy.

The passion.

Still,

I'm coping.

[Groans]