Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
[Man buzzing] What'd you reckon?
Yea, it-it's nice.
Does it go?
Er, yep, the colours are nice.
It's better than the
viking helmet, isn't it?
I don't know. Yes.
Yeah. And it's got a good stretch
just at the back. What'd you think?
Good.
I'll try the knockers with the
gorilla suit maybe that'll be...
You're not even interested. Reading
you magazine. It's rude. Honestly.
No.
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
Right, so I'm getting
the 11.37 from York,
which means I should get
back here by about half two.
- Ok, I'll do you a late lunch, babe.
- Are you sure?
Oh, great. And I'll pick
up the kids from school.
Oh, and erm...
Oh, god, I'm sorry, I've
forgotten your name.
- Steve.
- Steve, that's it.
Sorry. Think about what you
want to do for your mum's 60th.
- Will do.
- Ok, great, I'll see you later.
Bye. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.
[Sighs]
Coffee, croissant and juice.
Oh.
Who's that?
Matthew, is it you?
God, is it really you?
Yes, of course it's me.
I said who's that?
You're alive.
My god, you look so different.
Where have you
been all this time?
I went to the shops
to get the paper and...
Yeah, over an hour ago.
Kim, who is the man in our bed?
- This is Eddie.
- Hi.
Hello.
I didn't know if you
were coming back or not.
I found somebody else.
In an hour?
Matthew...
I had to come to terms with the
fact that I may never see you again
and I had to tell our son,
our own son, Matthew...
Where is he?
I put him up for adoption.
You what?
I didn't want him to be
brought up without a dad.
I've been gone an hour.
Ok, it's over. I
can't do this. [Cries]
I think you should leave.
This is difficult
enough for her as it is.
I probably really shouldn't
say anything at this stage
but I think if my
colleagues agree,
I'd have to say that you are, by far,
the best candidate for this position
and that your
chances are very good.
That's fantastic news.
Seriously, I'm so chuffed.
-Thank you so much. I really mean that.
-Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Well done.
Thank you.
Seriously, this is great news.
Thank you so much.
- Well done, again.
- Thank you.
Well, he seems really nice.
He'll fit in very well here
I just wanted to reiterate how much
getting this job would mean to me.
That's great.
Ok, great. Thanks
for coming in again.
- Well done.
- Bye-bye.
Little bow. Little bow.
Seriously, I am so
stoked about this job.
Ok, you can't have it now.
Seriously?
Yeah. Coming back
a third time it's just...
- Slightly too much?
- It is slightly.
Three is too many.
[Knocking at the door]
Oh, hello officer.
Aren't you gonna invite me in?
Of course.
I'm looking for a mr Johnson.
Well, you've found him.
[Moans]
I hope I'm not in too much...
Trouble.
Do you like trouble?
Oh, yeah.
I like trouble very much.
Maybe you should, ergh, cuff me.
Sit down, Johnson.
Why? Have I been a bad, bad boy?
There's been an accident.
What?
Yeah. Er, a head on
collision on the a403.
Was it a sexy head on collision?
No.
It was a collision with a coach.
It killed your parents, a
Ted and Alice Johnson.
Jenny, I don't think
that we should do
role play anymore.
[Woman] Look, this
is all very romantic
but it would be even more romantic
if you tell me where we're going.
You'll find out
when we get there.
Oh, just one clue.
Ok, it's something
we've never done before.
Oh, so that narrows
it down, doesn't it.
Ok.
You were saying last week that
we didn't get out of town enough
and we didn't do anything
spontaneous. So...
So?
So I thought it
would be rather nice...
Yeah?
- to go out into the countryside...
-Yeah?
To shoot cows with this handgun.
Like that one there.
That-that big cow.
- [Gunshot]
- There, take that!
- [Cow moos]
- Yes. They're all bitches.
Get those milky bastards.
- [Gunshots]
- [Cows mooing frantically]
[Man] So, by day,
just a normal dog but, by night,
he's super-pup,
radioactive eyes penetrate
through solid objects.
Tail? No, no, no, an oil gun.
So, you see, if you
mess with super pup
- you're in for a crude awakening.
- [Man laughs]
Thank you.
Er, thank you, Darren.
I think I speak for everyone
here when I say that was a very...
Interesting presentation.
Yes, it was.
Darren, you do realise that
we wanted a presentation
on American export legislation?
- American export legislation?
- Oh, yes.
Oops.
Don't get me wrong, we-we do
like this presentation
very much.
I mean, I just, we-we
needed a report on,
on American export legislation
is what I'm saying and I just...
- That's fine. Shit idea!
- I just think that...
Shit.
Well, no, don't knock it.
- I mean, it's-it's very...
- It's gone now, hasn't it?
- It's a good drawing.
- Is it?
You looking at?
- Is this him?
- Yeah.
I couldn't stop crying when
the doctor showed it to me.
I don't blame you.
He's an ugly little fucker.
Tears of joy.
I was actually
crying years of joy.
Right.
Yeah.
Aww.
So, miss Whitmore, how well would you
say you knew the defendant, mr ruskin?
Erm, fairly well.
Er, we were at
university together
and we worked at the
same bank for two years.
- Right, so fairly well then?
- Yes.
And in all the time you knew you, you
never thought him to be a violent man?
Oh, god, no.
No, David's just not the violent
type. He's just not strong enough.
Not strong enough?
No. No, he couldn't hurt
anyone, even if he wanted to.
Right, so he never goes to
the gym, say? Never works out.
No.
It's a shame. It's a shame.
Do you work out, miss Whitmore?
Erm, well, er, I mean, i-i-i
go to the gym every week,
if that's what you mean?
Yeah. Yeah. I can see that.
- Thank you.
- It's nice.
Thank you.
Me too. Me too.
I mean, just for fun,
if it pleases the court.
What do you reckon I er...
What do you reckon I bench?
Oh, sorry, you want me to... Er.
Ok, er, 190,
- 200... 210.
- Up, up.
And stop.
210lbs. Quite a lot.
So, miss Whitmore, it
is miss Whitmore, right?
- Yes.
- You're not-not married?
No, actually, my boyfriend's...
Oh! No further
questions, your honour.
Thank you, miss Whitmore,
you may stand down.
For my next witness, my
lord, I would like to call...
You.
Who's gonna want
to go out with me?
Hey, hey, come on now, you're
smart, you're funny, you're caring.
There's not a lot of
men like you, you know.
You are a great, great guy.
- Really?
- Yeah.
The girl who ends up with you
is gonna be the luckiest girl alive.
- Yeah?
- Yeah?
Would...[coughs]
Would you go out with me?
Me? [Laughs]
Yeah, right.
Can you imagine?
Oh, there goes Vicky with Jack.
Runty little Jack
with his pointy nose
and wispy hair and
horrible pale skin.
He looks like a drowned rat.
Stupid ugly Jack.
He's so ugly, if he were
one of the chuckle brothers,
Barry would be the looker.
Did a rabbit just
shit in a puddle?
No, no, no, no, those
are Jack's teeny, tiny eyes!
[Laughs] Me and you? Ha-ha.
Oh, my god, you do
make me laugh sometimes.
See you've got a
wonderful sense of humour.
That is a very sexy quality.
Ba-ba-ba. Hey, er,
just-just off down the-the
shed for half an hour.
God, the amount of time
you spend in that shed,
you'd think you had a lap
dancing club in there or something.
[Laughs]
[Music plays]
What about that odd one?
Why do men have nipples?
Well, they're-they're
completely useless.
[Laughs] Well, I haven't
found a use for mine yet.
Well, one time I
was on a train...
Oh.
The lights are...
Who's...
[Email tone]
[Email tone]
[Email tone]
Erm, any idea if that
report's come through?
Erm, no, but as soon as
it does, I'll let you know.
If you could. Ok.
[Email tone]
[Email tones]
Vicky, could I have a word with
you in my office now, please?
- Pardon?
- Now.
My office.
- Now.
- Yes.
Well, you in or out?
No, mate.
And you?
I'm out.
Mickey?
What should I do
now, uncle Jack?
Why don't you tell me?
I wanna see what you got.
What does that mean?
The kid's only 12, Jack.
Oh, that is bullshit.
He's 20... 25.
He knows what he's doing.
I wanna see your cards, Mickey.
Ok.
[Laughs]
Oh, dear.
Read them and weep.
Come to uncle
Jack, your majesty.
That was the money I raised
for the school Africa appeal.
Oh, waah!
I think it's what they
would have wanted, Mickey.
You know, af... African
kids can't eat money, can they?
Thank you.
I do meet women all the time,
it's just usually on the Internet.
Oh, right, so you do the whole
Internet dating website, sort of thing?
Chatrooms. Webcams.
- Right.
Oh, ok.
So it's just that
I'm a bit rusty
doing this without a keyboard,
you know, face to face.
- Oh, no, you're doing great...
- Pull your top down a bit.
Yeah, like that.
So tell me about yourself.
I am six foot six.
I'm a fitness instructor.
Black.
Yeah, right, well none of
those things are true, are they,
cos I can see
they're not. [Chuckles]
Male.
Yeah, that's better.
And I'm just sitting here
in my little tiny pants.
Yeah, this-this is
probably not gonna work.
So we're thinking about
getting a loft conversion done
but we also want to have the
garden done as well so it's a bit...
Why not have both?
I've had a great year.
Charity collector.
And, er, we're thinking about getting
an en-suite put onto the new bedroom.
[Band playing jazz]
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as you probably know,
I'm a little bit of
a perfectionist.
My music is the
way I want it to be,
why shouldn't my range
of aftershave be the same?
Trouble is, if you wanna
special kind of blue,
like a really deep,
beautiful ocean blue,
you just can't
avoid animal testing.
Sometimes I-I lay awake at night
thinking of all those
monkeys we damaged
to get that beautiful,
deep ocean colour.
But take a sniff and
be your own judge.
What do you think, little lady?
She likes it.
This next song is the
jingle I wrote for the ad.
Watch out, it's catchy.
[Jazz music plays]
[Indistinct chatter]
Oh, my god.
Rachael, is that actually you?
Shona, how long has it been?
Oh, my god.
It must have been like
graduation or something.
Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
Erm, this is shona,
Tony, Miriam, Ella, Aaron
and Dave, Simon and Lizzie,
Benny, Tom, ranjit,
Steph and Sadie and Liam.
Hi. This is, erm...
God, hang on.
Erm... sorry, this is
my, this my husband.
Oh, er, I wanna say John.
No, it's gone, it's
completely gone.
- It's Steve.
- It's Steve.
It's Steve. My husband, Steve.
It's my husband, Steve. Phew.
- Hello.
- Hi, Steve.
Hi.
Yeah. [Laughs] Yeah.
[Mouths]
Alex.
Tomorrow afternoon.
Yeah, well, I think
tomorrow afternoon...
Oh, yeah, listen, we've
got something on then.
Well, why don't we
get the kids together
on Sunday afternoon for a bite?
How about Monday?
Tuesday? Wednes...
Thursday afternoon?
We have a picnic?
Fly a plane? We'll
ride a cockhorse?
Kite? Go to borough market?
No, go on, a,
oh, go to the cinema?
Come to ours?
We'll go out? Come
in? Go out? In?
Alex, is susie there, because I
think Cathy would like to talk to her.
Are you ok? Are
you relaxed enough?
Well, no, not really.
This is my first time.
Oh, gosh. Oh, don't
worry, I know how it feels.
[Mexican accent] There's
nothing to worry about.
We'll be here every
step of the way.
Just relax and we'll get
through this together.
What is your name?
Sandra.
[Deep voice] Hello, Sandra.
- Hello.
- You're looking well nice down there.
Thank you.
Just relax.
We've warmed up
the clamp a little bit
and we'll be in and out of
you as quick as we can, ok?
But do you know
what this-this-this
isn't really helping
me to relax much.
Did you go to medical
school, Sandra?
Pardon?
Did you train for eight years
at medical school, Sandra?
Because this doctor did.
So don't you think she
might have a better idea
of what will and
what won't relax you?
Yes, I do. Thank you very much.
- Ok.
- [Nervous laugh]
- Are you alright?
- Erm, well...
- Nearly there. Just try and relax.
- Ok, thank you.
- Boo!
- Oh, god.
And relax.
Excuse me, mate,
your cock's hanging out.
[Laughs] What this old
thing? It's nice, isn't it?
Hello, police.
[Deep voice] Hello. I'd
like to report a murder.
I think my uncle killed my dad.
Ok, right. Do you
have any evidence?
Well, no.
I first started getting
suspicious though,
because pretty soon
after my dad died,
my uncle married my mum
so he's taken my
father's job and his wife.
There is motivation.
Ok, right. Can you tell me
what was your father's job?
King of Denmark.
Has your father's ghost
appeared to you recently?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Is this the plot of Hamlet?
It is Hamlet.
By William shakeyspeare.
Ok, and is this Karen?
-It is Karen speaking. That is correct.
-Yes.
Thought so. Right.
- Erm...
- Will I see you later?
Yes, you will. Bear in
mind, I'm at work now.
Are you?
- Yes.
- Oh, I didn't realise.
Well, I am so you go
now and I'll see you later.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Got you though. Bye.
- Well, sort of.
[Hangs up]
Hello, police.
Bye.
[Dance music playing]
You're too safe.
You're too strait laced.
Women like a man
with a bit of danger.
Rubbish!
Fine. See her over there?
- Curly hair? Yeah.
- Yeah.
Go up to her and make out like
you've got a bit of a dangerous side.
I guarantee, she
will be all over you.
Alright then.
Hi, I'm Sam.
- Too dangerous?
- Too dangerous, yeah.
Ow.
- This is gonna be good.
- She said, hopefully.
Cream. No, no more cream.
She said, with a nervous
glance at her thighs.
- Michael, can I have a word?
- Yo.
Yeah, who is this?
Paul? Paul's the
narrator I hired.
You hired a narrator?
She asked, disbelievingly.
Yeah, you said we weren't
communicating well, so...
What? It's only like
a 100 quid a day.
You could cut the
tension with a knife.
Why have you hired a narrator?
I think it's kinda cool.
Makes me sound like
I'm the hero of a novel.
He said, sexily.
I can't believe you, Michael. Again,
you're spending money we haven't got.
Yeah, great. This is great.
Michael messes up again. I
thought it would be good for us.
I bet you did it to
impress that girl at work.
What's her name?
Michelle, is it?
- No, absolutely not.
- He lied.
Shut up, Paul.
He considered the
buxom Michelle.
She would never judge him.
She would never question him.
Yeah, great. Carry on.
Yeah, this is all really helpful.
You know, whatever, it
doesn't matter. I'm off to the pub.
She didn't care where
the night took her.
She wanted oblivion,
preferably in the arms
of a sympathetic stranger.
Yeah. Can you recommend
another narrator?
Having a good evening, sir?
Yes, thanks.
Towel, sir?
Thank you.
A cuddle, sir?
- Sorry?
- Would you like a cuddle, sir?
Erm, yeah, yeah,
I would actually.
[Both groan]
- Ahh, thank you.
- My pleasure, sir.
- Really hit the spot.
- Thank you, sir.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Yes.
[Moaning on TV]
They must really
love one another.
What?
The beaches are unbelievable.
Just clear white
sand, it's fantastic.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey.
I'm just telling this
lovely lady about kolanza.
Oh, right, are you going?
Well, er, my boyfriend and I
are thinking of going on holiday,
so, erm, i'm-I'm
Anna, by the way.
Oh, sorry. Yeah, hi, I'm
Rachael. Hello, nice to meet you.
And this is, erm...
Hang on. Sorry. Er...
[Whispered] Shit.
- Steve?
- Oh, Steve.
That's it. Sorry.
This is my husband,
Steve. [Laughs] Yeah.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Started out straight
after college,
part-time as the
front of a conga.
Er, just doing
weddings and that.
Er, then I did full-time
but on short term contracts
as the front of a conga.
Then I was at
butlins for six years,
as the front of a conga.
Then whilst I was there,
I actually made some
contacts with cruise ships,
bit exclusive, and that really was
probably the best time of my life.
Er, it was wonderful.
I had four glorious years then on
the high seas at the front of a conga.
Er, it says here that you're in
the guinness book of records.
Oh, that, yes, certainly. I hadn't
thought you'd pick up on that.
It was when we went to
Sydney for the millennium.
- And you were the?
- The front of the conga.
Right. Oh, that's great.
It's fantastic.
Listen, er...
The thing is, we're really looking for
someone to be the back of the conga.
Ba... back of the conga?
Yeah.
Back of the conga.
You don't have to worry about
it cos I know, I know congas.
Yeah. The-the front.
I need this.
You are the seventh
person I've slept with.
Aww.
How many have you slept with?
- 100 and...
- Please lie.
You're the second.
- You're just the second.
- Aww.
Ever since Jane moved out,
I've had to keep a real
eye on me finances.
She used to pay all the bills.
Still, I'm coping.
That is so beautiful.
I know, I love it.
He picked it out.
- No?
- Yeah. Yes, I did.
- Did you?
- Yeah. Yeah, I did.
- [Phone ringing]
- Ooh, sorry, excuse me.
Hello.
So are you gonna
take his surname?
Yeah, I think so.
What?
It's just that it's a little
bit weird, his last name.
I'll be mrs Fiona
[stutters] McDonald.
Right, it's McDonald, isn't it?
Yeah, it's mrs Fiona
[stutters] McDonald.
Ok, be honest,
it makes me sound a little
bit zonked out, doesn't it?
Like I'm brain dead?
Fiona [stutters] McDonald.
McDonald.
Yeah. No.
Fiona [stutters] McDonald.
I mean, eurgh, it makes
me sound brain dead.
Like-like I'm a
freak or something.
Is it, is it not the
way you're saying it?
- [Groans] Don...
- There.
Ok, well, just mrs Fiona
[Stutters] McDonald.
No, I don't, I don't think so.
Ok. Ok.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Good evening. Table for three
under the name [stutters] McDonald.
[Man] That's us.
Ok, follow me. Thank you.
[Answer machine beeps]
[Woman] Hi, Mark,
it's Emily from Friday.
I know our date didn't
go too well the other day.
[Laughs]
I'm sure that you must
think I'm really, really weird
but I was hoping we
could maybe go out again?
Also, I remember you saying at
the zoo that you liked the monkeys
so I've left a monkey
in your fridge. Bye.
Yea, it-it's nice.
Does it go?
Er, yep, the colours are nice.
It's better than the
viking helmet, isn't it?
I don't know. Yes.
Yeah. And it's got a good stretch
just at the back. What'd you think?
Good.
I'll try the knockers with the
gorilla suit maybe that'll be...
You're not even interested. Reading
you magazine. It's rude. Honestly.
No.
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
Right, so I'm getting
the 11.37 from York,
which means I should get
back here by about half two.
- Ok, I'll do you a late lunch, babe.
- Are you sure?
Oh, great. And I'll pick
up the kids from school.
Oh, and erm...
Oh, god, I'm sorry, I've
forgotten your name.
- Steve.
- Steve, that's it.
Sorry. Think about what you
want to do for your mum's 60th.
- Will do.
- Ok, great, I'll see you later.
Bye. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.
[Sighs]
Coffee, croissant and juice.
Oh.
Who's that?
Matthew, is it you?
God, is it really you?
Yes, of course it's me.
I said who's that?
You're alive.
My god, you look so different.
Where have you
been all this time?
I went to the shops
to get the paper and...
Yeah, over an hour ago.
Kim, who is the man in our bed?
- This is Eddie.
- Hi.
Hello.
I didn't know if you
were coming back or not.
I found somebody else.
In an hour?
Matthew...
I had to come to terms with the
fact that I may never see you again
and I had to tell our son,
our own son, Matthew...
Where is he?
I put him up for adoption.
You what?
I didn't want him to be
brought up without a dad.
I've been gone an hour.
Ok, it's over. I
can't do this. [Cries]
I think you should leave.
This is difficult
enough for her as it is.
I probably really shouldn't
say anything at this stage
but I think if my
colleagues agree,
I'd have to say that you are, by far,
the best candidate for this position
and that your
chances are very good.
That's fantastic news.
Seriously, I'm so chuffed.
-Thank you so much. I really mean that.
-Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Well done.
Thank you.
Seriously, this is great news.
Thank you so much.
- Well done, again.
- Thank you.
Well, he seems really nice.
He'll fit in very well here
I just wanted to reiterate how much
getting this job would mean to me.
That's great.
Ok, great. Thanks
for coming in again.
- Well done.
- Bye-bye.
Little bow. Little bow.
Seriously, I am so
stoked about this job.
Ok, you can't have it now.
Seriously?
Yeah. Coming back
a third time it's just...
- Slightly too much?
- It is slightly.
Three is too many.
[Knocking at the door]
Oh, hello officer.
Aren't you gonna invite me in?
Of course.
I'm looking for a mr Johnson.
Well, you've found him.
[Moans]
I hope I'm not in too much...
Trouble.
Do you like trouble?
Oh, yeah.
I like trouble very much.
Maybe you should, ergh, cuff me.
Sit down, Johnson.
Why? Have I been a bad, bad boy?
There's been an accident.
What?
Yeah. Er, a head on
collision on the a403.
Was it a sexy head on collision?
No.
It was a collision with a coach.
It killed your parents, a
Ted and Alice Johnson.
Jenny, I don't think
that we should do
role play anymore.
[Woman] Look, this
is all very romantic
but it would be even more romantic
if you tell me where we're going.
You'll find out
when we get there.
Oh, just one clue.
Ok, it's something
we've never done before.
Oh, so that narrows
it down, doesn't it.
Ok.
You were saying last week that
we didn't get out of town enough
and we didn't do anything
spontaneous. So...
So?
So I thought it
would be rather nice...
Yeah?
- to go out into the countryside...
-Yeah?
To shoot cows with this handgun.
Like that one there.
That-that big cow.
- [Gunshot]
- There, take that!
- [Cow moos]
- Yes. They're all bitches.
Get those milky bastards.
- [Gunshots]
- [Cows mooing frantically]
[Man] So, by day,
just a normal dog but, by night,
he's super-pup,
radioactive eyes penetrate
through solid objects.
Tail? No, no, no, an oil gun.
So, you see, if you
mess with super pup
- you're in for a crude awakening.
- [Man laughs]
Thank you.
Er, thank you, Darren.
I think I speak for everyone
here when I say that was a very...
Interesting presentation.
Yes, it was.
Darren, you do realise that
we wanted a presentation
on American export legislation?
- American export legislation?
- Oh, yes.
Oops.
Don't get me wrong, we-we do
like this presentation
very much.
I mean, I just, we-we
needed a report on,
on American export legislation
is what I'm saying and I just...
- That's fine. Shit idea!
- I just think that...
Shit.
Well, no, don't knock it.
- I mean, it's-it's very...
- It's gone now, hasn't it?
- It's a good drawing.
- Is it?
You looking at?
- Is this him?
- Yeah.
I couldn't stop crying when
the doctor showed it to me.
I don't blame you.
He's an ugly little fucker.
Tears of joy.
I was actually
crying years of joy.
Right.
Yeah.
Aww.
So, miss Whitmore, how well would you
say you knew the defendant, mr ruskin?
Erm, fairly well.
Er, we were at
university together
and we worked at the
same bank for two years.
- Right, so fairly well then?
- Yes.
And in all the time you knew you, you
never thought him to be a violent man?
Oh, god, no.
No, David's just not the violent
type. He's just not strong enough.
Not strong enough?
No. No, he couldn't hurt
anyone, even if he wanted to.
Right, so he never goes to
the gym, say? Never works out.
No.
It's a shame. It's a shame.
Do you work out, miss Whitmore?
Erm, well, er, I mean, i-i-i
go to the gym every week,
if that's what you mean?
Yeah. Yeah. I can see that.
- Thank you.
- It's nice.
Thank you.
Me too. Me too.
I mean, just for fun,
if it pleases the court.
What do you reckon I er...
What do you reckon I bench?
Oh, sorry, you want me to... Er.
Ok, er, 190,
- 200... 210.
- Up, up.
And stop.
210lbs. Quite a lot.
So, miss Whitmore, it
is miss Whitmore, right?
- Yes.
- You're not-not married?
No, actually, my boyfriend's...
Oh! No further
questions, your honour.
Thank you, miss Whitmore,
you may stand down.
For my next witness, my
lord, I would like to call...
You.
Who's gonna want
to go out with me?
Hey, hey, come on now, you're
smart, you're funny, you're caring.
There's not a lot of
men like you, you know.
You are a great, great guy.
- Really?
- Yeah.
The girl who ends up with you
is gonna be the luckiest girl alive.
- Yeah?
- Yeah?
Would...[coughs]
Would you go out with me?
Me? [Laughs]
Yeah, right.
Can you imagine?
Oh, there goes Vicky with Jack.
Runty little Jack
with his pointy nose
and wispy hair and
horrible pale skin.
He looks like a drowned rat.
Stupid ugly Jack.
He's so ugly, if he were
one of the chuckle brothers,
Barry would be the looker.
Did a rabbit just
shit in a puddle?
No, no, no, no, those
are Jack's teeny, tiny eyes!
[Laughs] Me and you? Ha-ha.
Oh, my god, you do
make me laugh sometimes.
See you've got a
wonderful sense of humour.
That is a very sexy quality.
Ba-ba-ba. Hey, er,
just-just off down the-the
shed for half an hour.
God, the amount of time
you spend in that shed,
you'd think you had a lap
dancing club in there or something.
[Laughs]
[Music plays]
What about that odd one?
Why do men have nipples?
Well, they're-they're
completely useless.
[Laughs] Well, I haven't
found a use for mine yet.
Well, one time I
was on a train...
Oh.
The lights are...
Who's...
[Email tone]
[Email tone]
[Email tone]
Erm, any idea if that
report's come through?
Erm, no, but as soon as
it does, I'll let you know.
If you could. Ok.
[Email tone]
[Email tones]
Vicky, could I have a word with
you in my office now, please?
- Pardon?
- Now.
My office.
- Now.
- Yes.
Well, you in or out?
No, mate.
And you?
I'm out.
Mickey?
What should I do
now, uncle Jack?
Why don't you tell me?
I wanna see what you got.
What does that mean?
The kid's only 12, Jack.
Oh, that is bullshit.
He's 20... 25.
He knows what he's doing.
I wanna see your cards, Mickey.
Ok.
[Laughs]
Oh, dear.
Read them and weep.
Come to uncle
Jack, your majesty.
That was the money I raised
for the school Africa appeal.
Oh, waah!
I think it's what they
would have wanted, Mickey.
You know, af... African
kids can't eat money, can they?
Thank you.
I do meet women all the time,
it's just usually on the Internet.
Oh, right, so you do the whole
Internet dating website, sort of thing?
Chatrooms. Webcams.
- Right.
Oh, ok.
So it's just that
I'm a bit rusty
doing this without a keyboard,
you know, face to face.
- Oh, no, you're doing great...
- Pull your top down a bit.
Yeah, like that.
So tell me about yourself.
I am six foot six.
I'm a fitness instructor.
Black.
Yeah, right, well none of
those things are true, are they,
cos I can see
they're not. [Chuckles]
Male.
Yeah, that's better.
And I'm just sitting here
in my little tiny pants.
Yeah, this-this is
probably not gonna work.
So we're thinking about
getting a loft conversion done
but we also want to have the
garden done as well so it's a bit...
Why not have both?
I've had a great year.
Charity collector.
And, er, we're thinking about getting
an en-suite put onto the new bedroom.
[Band playing jazz]
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as you probably know,
I'm a little bit of
a perfectionist.
My music is the
way I want it to be,
why shouldn't my range
of aftershave be the same?
Trouble is, if you wanna
special kind of blue,
like a really deep,
beautiful ocean blue,
you just can't
avoid animal testing.
Sometimes I-I lay awake at night
thinking of all those
monkeys we damaged
to get that beautiful,
deep ocean colour.
But take a sniff and
be your own judge.
What do you think, little lady?
She likes it.
This next song is the
jingle I wrote for the ad.
Watch out, it's catchy.
[Jazz music plays]
[Indistinct chatter]
Oh, my god.
Rachael, is that actually you?
Shona, how long has it been?
Oh, my god.
It must have been like
graduation or something.
Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
Erm, this is shona,
Tony, Miriam, Ella, Aaron
and Dave, Simon and Lizzie,
Benny, Tom, ranjit,
Steph and Sadie and Liam.
Hi. This is, erm...
God, hang on.
Erm... sorry, this is
my, this my husband.
Oh, er, I wanna say John.
No, it's gone, it's
completely gone.
- It's Steve.
- It's Steve.
It's Steve. My husband, Steve.
It's my husband, Steve. Phew.
- Hello.
- Hi, Steve.
Hi.
Yeah. [Laughs] Yeah.
[Mouths]
Alex.
Tomorrow afternoon.
Yeah, well, I think
tomorrow afternoon...
Oh, yeah, listen, we've
got something on then.
Well, why don't we
get the kids together
on Sunday afternoon for a bite?
How about Monday?
Tuesday? Wednes...
Thursday afternoon?
We have a picnic?
Fly a plane? We'll
ride a cockhorse?
Kite? Go to borough market?
No, go on, a,
oh, go to the cinema?
Come to ours?
We'll go out? Come
in? Go out? In?
Alex, is susie there, because I
think Cathy would like to talk to her.
Are you ok? Are
you relaxed enough?
Well, no, not really.
This is my first time.
Oh, gosh. Oh, don't
worry, I know how it feels.
[Mexican accent] There's
nothing to worry about.
We'll be here every
step of the way.
Just relax and we'll get
through this together.
What is your name?
Sandra.
[Deep voice] Hello, Sandra.
- Hello.
- You're looking well nice down there.
Thank you.
Just relax.
We've warmed up
the clamp a little bit
and we'll be in and out of
you as quick as we can, ok?
But do you know
what this-this-this
isn't really helping
me to relax much.
Did you go to medical
school, Sandra?
Pardon?
Did you train for eight years
at medical school, Sandra?
Because this doctor did.
So don't you think she
might have a better idea
of what will and
what won't relax you?
Yes, I do. Thank you very much.
- Ok.
- [Nervous laugh]
- Are you alright?
- Erm, well...
- Nearly there. Just try and relax.
- Ok, thank you.
- Boo!
- Oh, god.
And relax.
Excuse me, mate,
your cock's hanging out.
[Laughs] What this old
thing? It's nice, isn't it?
Hello, police.
[Deep voice] Hello. I'd
like to report a murder.
I think my uncle killed my dad.
Ok, right. Do you
have any evidence?
Well, no.
I first started getting
suspicious though,
because pretty soon
after my dad died,
my uncle married my mum
so he's taken my
father's job and his wife.
There is motivation.
Ok, right. Can you tell me
what was your father's job?
King of Denmark.
Has your father's ghost
appeared to you recently?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Is this the plot of Hamlet?
It is Hamlet.
By William shakeyspeare.
Ok, and is this Karen?
-It is Karen speaking. That is correct.
-Yes.
Thought so. Right.
- Erm...
- Will I see you later?
Yes, you will. Bear in
mind, I'm at work now.
Are you?
- Yes.
- Oh, I didn't realise.
Well, I am so you go
now and I'll see you later.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Got you though. Bye.
- Well, sort of.
[Hangs up]
Hello, police.
Bye.
[Dance music playing]
You're too safe.
You're too strait laced.
Women like a man
with a bit of danger.
Rubbish!
Fine. See her over there?
- Curly hair? Yeah.
- Yeah.
Go up to her and make out like
you've got a bit of a dangerous side.
I guarantee, she
will be all over you.
Alright then.
Hi, I'm Sam.
- Too dangerous?
- Too dangerous, yeah.
Ow.
- This is gonna be good.
- She said, hopefully.
Cream. No, no more cream.
She said, with a nervous
glance at her thighs.
- Michael, can I have a word?
- Yo.
Yeah, who is this?
Paul? Paul's the
narrator I hired.
You hired a narrator?
She asked, disbelievingly.
Yeah, you said we weren't
communicating well, so...
What? It's only like
a 100 quid a day.
You could cut the
tension with a knife.
Why have you hired a narrator?
I think it's kinda cool.
Makes me sound like
I'm the hero of a novel.
He said, sexily.
I can't believe you, Michael. Again,
you're spending money we haven't got.
Yeah, great. This is great.
Michael messes up again. I
thought it would be good for us.
I bet you did it to
impress that girl at work.
What's her name?
Michelle, is it?
- No, absolutely not.
- He lied.
Shut up, Paul.
He considered the
buxom Michelle.
She would never judge him.
She would never question him.
Yeah, great. Carry on.
Yeah, this is all really helpful.
You know, whatever, it
doesn't matter. I'm off to the pub.
She didn't care where
the night took her.
She wanted oblivion,
preferably in the arms
of a sympathetic stranger.
Yeah. Can you recommend
another narrator?
Having a good evening, sir?
Yes, thanks.
Towel, sir?
Thank you.
A cuddle, sir?
- Sorry?
- Would you like a cuddle, sir?
Erm, yeah, yeah,
I would actually.
[Both groan]
- Ahh, thank you.
- My pleasure, sir.
- Really hit the spot.
- Thank you, sir.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Yes.
[Moaning on TV]
They must really
love one another.
What?
The beaches are unbelievable.
Just clear white
sand, it's fantastic.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey.
I'm just telling this
lovely lady about kolanza.
Oh, right, are you going?
Well, er, my boyfriend and I
are thinking of going on holiday,
so, erm, i'm-I'm
Anna, by the way.
Oh, sorry. Yeah, hi, I'm
Rachael. Hello, nice to meet you.
And this is, erm...
Hang on. Sorry. Er...
[Whispered] Shit.
- Steve?
- Oh, Steve.
That's it. Sorry.
This is my husband,
Steve. [Laughs] Yeah.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Started out straight
after college,
part-time as the
front of a conga.
Er, just doing
weddings and that.
Er, then I did full-time
but on short term contracts
as the front of a conga.
Then I was at
butlins for six years,
as the front of a conga.
Then whilst I was there,
I actually made some
contacts with cruise ships,
bit exclusive, and that really was
probably the best time of my life.
Er, it was wonderful.
I had four glorious years then on
the high seas at the front of a conga.
Er, it says here that you're in
the guinness book of records.
Oh, that, yes, certainly. I hadn't
thought you'd pick up on that.
It was when we went to
Sydney for the millennium.
- And you were the?
- The front of the conga.
Right. Oh, that's great.
It's fantastic.
Listen, er...
The thing is, we're really looking for
someone to be the back of the conga.
Ba... back of the conga?
Yeah.
Back of the conga.
You don't have to worry about
it cos I know, I know congas.
Yeah. The-the front.
I need this.
You are the seventh
person I've slept with.
Aww.
How many have you slept with?
- 100 and...
- Please lie.
You're the second.
- You're just the second.
- Aww.
Ever since Jane moved out,
I've had to keep a real
eye on me finances.
She used to pay all the bills.
Still, I'm coping.
That is so beautiful.
I know, I love it.
He picked it out.
- No?
- Yeah. Yes, I did.
- Did you?
- Yeah. Yeah, I did.
- [Phone ringing]
- Ooh, sorry, excuse me.
Hello.
So are you gonna
take his surname?
Yeah, I think so.
What?
It's just that it's a little
bit weird, his last name.
I'll be mrs Fiona
[stutters] McDonald.
Right, it's McDonald, isn't it?
Yeah, it's mrs Fiona
[stutters] McDonald.
Ok, be honest,
it makes me sound a little
bit zonked out, doesn't it?
Like I'm brain dead?
Fiona [stutters] McDonald.
McDonald.
Yeah. No.
Fiona [stutters] McDonald.
I mean, eurgh, it makes
me sound brain dead.
Like-like I'm a
freak or something.
Is it, is it not the
way you're saying it?
- [Groans] Don...
- There.
Ok, well, just mrs Fiona
[Stutters] McDonald.
No, I don't, I don't think so.
Ok. Ok.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Good evening. Table for three
under the name [stutters] McDonald.
[Man] That's us.
Ok, follow me. Thank you.
[Answer machine beeps]
[Woman] Hi, Mark,
it's Emily from Friday.
I know our date didn't
go too well the other day.
[Laughs]
I'm sure that you must
think I'm really, really weird
but I was hoping we
could maybe go out again?
Also, I remember you saying at
the zoo that you liked the monkeys
so I've left a monkey
in your fridge. Bye.