Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 4 - Man Stroke Woman - full transcript
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---
All done.
Go to daddy now.
Ooh, there.
There we go.
[Burps]
Thank you.
There we go.
Hey.
[Gasps]
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
Hello, prisoner.
Hello, warden.
I hope you're not gonna
cause any trouble for me today.
[Chuckles] You know me.
I do.
I know you're a very naughty boy
and I'm here to make
sure you get punished.
[Groans]
[Snarling]
Enjoying yourself, aren't you?
This is the greatest
meal I've ever eaten.
It should be. It's
gonna be your last.
What?
Yeah, the courts, they
ruled against your appeal
so you're going to
the chair, my friend.
Oh, the love chair, huh?
No, the electric chair.
Yee-ha! This paedo's gonna fry.
Hey, don't say
paedo. I'm not a paedo.
I don't know, that's
for god to decide now.
First, I'm gonna tighten you up.
- [Groans]
- Ooh, kinky.
Take a sponge. Put
that on your head.
For the sweats, I suppose.
And then I'm gonna
rip your trousers off.
Ooh, I like where this is going.
Which is good because
when they flick the switch
you're probably gonna
shit yourself pretty badly.
Jen... jenny.
I don't think we should
do role play anymore.
[Door shuts]
[Man] The research of all this
research has led to one thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
the office dog filing system.
Now compare buster here, to
the size of an ordinary filing cabinet.
Smaller, tick, yes.
But here's the clincher.
Now, via dogs, the
paperwork comes to you.
You see, using a
network of these dogs,
our business can save
space, time and money.
Any questions?
Yes, you.
How is this gonna reduce the
company's carbon emissions?
It isn't. Next question.
I'm sure Darren's getting to carbon
emission reduction, aren't you Darren?
No, I'm not, I'm done.
Darren, can you remember what
I asked you to prepare for today?
Yes, you said that our office had
some energy efficiency problems.
- That's right, yeah.
- And you were going on about animals.
Minerals, Darren, not animals.
- No, pretty sure...
- Darren, I didn't.
- You said animals.
- No.
- Did.
- No, I didn't.
Anyway, Darren, I'm sure we all
appreciate the work that you've done
-and I'd like to take your point and...
-[Dog barks]
Have you replaced
all our filing with dogs?
Hm?
Sort of. Erm, yeah.
- It's gorgeous, isn't it?
- Mmm, it's boiling.
I mean, I've been
sunbathing at work all week
and now it's sunny at
the weekend. It's great.
Mmm, I just wanna get
rid of these strap marks.
I just think tan lines
are so disgusting.
[Man groans]
You know what, I think I'm
gonna go and get us an ice cream.
You get a better overall
tan if you move about.
Little tip for you there.
[Band playing jazz]
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I dropped my sister's
child on his head
when he was six months old.
She was out of
the room at the time
and as the kid didn't
cry it was easy to just...
Pop him back in the cot and
act as if nothing had happened.
He couldn't speak
at the time, of course.
[Chuckles]
It was only when he
did utter his first word
that I realised he'd been
severely disabled in the fall
and would have terrible learning
difficulties for the rest of his life.
Sometimes when I'm
round my sister's I...
I look at that kid and
I just... Feel weird,
which is why you'll often
find me in the garden.
That's where this
next song was written.
[Jazz music plays]
Alright.
I'm not early, am I?
No, you're not early.
What... why... what's that?
Oh, that-that's a,
that's a present.
- It's for you.
- For me?
Yeah, it's a present.
Actually, it was Pete's idea.
He read an article and, apparently,
owls are this year's roses.
So it's good, innit?
Oh, Damien, we-we've
gone over this.
Over what?
Do you wanna have
a look in your wallet?
Yeah, that's...
Actually, do you
wanna... This might fall off.
Does this ring any bells?
- Oh, he's done it again, hasn't he?
- Yes, he has.
- Do you, do you like owls?
- Not really, no.
I'll kill him.
I'm just gonna nip to the
ladies room, I'll see you in a sec.
- Hey, she seems nice.
- She's really pretty.
She thinks I'm black.
What?
She thinks I'm black.
She thinks you're black?
She likes black guys so,
just told her I was black.
So if you could
just help-help me.
- Ahh, hello.
- Hi.
Is everything ok?
Yeah, fine. Everything's fine.
So how-how do you know Mark?
Er, Mark and I were
at school together.
Oh, right, in Nigeria?
In brentwood.
Brentwood.
We-we... we met on an
exchange programme,
didn't we, when our-our
two great cities were twinned.
It's strange, Mark, from
all the years I've known you,
I didn't realise you
were from Nigeria.
Well, er, a man's heart is
an ocean of secrets, isn't it?
Why don't you just tell us a
bit about how you grew up?
Was it a big village?
Mark doesn't like to
talk about his childhood.
There was, er,
an awful...
Massacre.
Shall we... Do you want a drink?
Oh, the things those
sad eyes must have seen.
The anguish just etched
on that beautiful ebony face.
Sometimes it makes
me want to cry.
Ah! Don't touch my afro.
Hello, police.
Oh, my children are missing.
Alright, calm down, madam,
they're missing in the woods. I
think they're missing in the woods.
Can you send out a search party?
Alright, calm down, madam. If
you could just give me all the details.
[Deep inhale] They
went out into the woods
and totally they marked
the path with pebbles
but there weren't any pebbles
so they took breadcrumbs
but the animals did ate them and
so they couldn't find their way back.
Right, ok. And-and can you tell me
when you last heard from them, please?
I don't know.
They called me on a my mobile.
They said they found a house
and they were gonna go in.
Ok. Was this house
made of sweets?
Yeah.
Right, this is the plot of hansel
and gretel. This is Karen. Hello.
[Laughs] Can you bring
home some ice cream?
Oh, Karen, I'm
really trying to work.
I've got six people holding
with real emergencies.
I know, but Natasha, I
really, really like ice cream.
Alright, I'll stop by the
shop. And by the way,
what was that accent?
Oh, it was just...
It was everything.
Yeah. I'm gonna go now.
- Ok, and Natasha?
- What?
- Guess what I'm doing.
- Don't know.
- Touching my nose with my toe.
- Brilliant. Good for you.
- Oh, you never would of got that.
- [Hangs up]
- Bye...
- Hello, police.
I just don't think
they've done the maths.
I am busting.
Even if, right,
and it is a big if,
but even if we get the contract,
you know, that's not enough.
They think one contract is gonna
guarantee some kind of magical stability.
It's just naive,
plain and simple.
If we still had the railing account
then maybe we could go for it.
But as it is, I'm just not
in a position to gamble.
No. No, I know where
you're coming from, John.
You know, and the thing is,
who's gonna speak to
head office now, you know.
They know the whole
company's on the line.
I needed that.
Right, let's get back to it.
Yeah. Good luck
with the presentation.
Thank you.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Sarah,
happy birthday to you ♪
[Groans]
Apparently, in the olden days,
before candles were invented,
they used to smash up
the cake with a hammer.
Pete got it off the Internet.
Yes, Damien.
Erm, do you remember that
voice recorder I bought you?
Yeah.
- Have you got it on you?
- Erm, yeah.
D'you wanna press play now?
[Play button beeps]
[Woman] Don't trust
Pete. Don't trust Pete.
Don't trust Pete. Don't
trust Pete. Don't trust Pete.
- [Tape stops]
- Oh, no.
Oh, he's done it again, hasn't he?
- Yes, he has.
- Still eat the cake?
- Not really, no.
Oh, god, I'll kill him.
Did that bloke come
to fix the fridge?
Er, yeah, he's
still here, I think.
There's also a fresh pot of tea
on the side if you want some.
- Alright. Do you wanna refill?
- No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Alright, mate.
- Shit.
Alright, just finishing...
Just finishing up here.
You alright?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Fine.
I-I'm nearly done, actually.
Do you, do you normally
have to get right in there?
Yeah, yeah. It's standard
procedure with these models.
I'm not, ha, I'm not
stuck or anything.
No, no, of course you're not.
Do you er... Do you
want me to call someone?
No, I'm fine.
Been in the business for 15
years, I am definitely not stuck.
Pass that milk, will ya?
- This one?
- Yeah.
Look, I mean, no
disrespect to you
but you-you do look stuck.
No, no, no, no,
no, not me, mate.
I'm fine. Seriously,
just doing my job.
It's just with these older
models you, you do actually...
You actually have to
climb inside the fridge?
Yeah. Probably.
I'll let you know when
I'm done here, alright?
I'm just, er... I'll give you a
shout. I'm just fixing things.
Yeah, sure. Give me me
shout, tell me if the light goes off.
Ooh, yeah.
Wait, wait, hang on, erm.
Ah, shit, I haven't
got any things.
Oh, it's fine. I have some.
Yeah, just a sec.
Can you hold onto that?
These.
Kinky.
[Groans]
Oh, god, where are they?
- Hey, hey!
- [Man screams]
I got it. I got it.
Oh, god.
The code is 1972.
And you just want to run
and close the door to
make sure it stops beeping.
1972, got it.
Ok, and this is for the garage
door, front door and back door.
Water the plants, if
they look a little bit dry
and just pick up any
post from the mat.
Ok, no problem. Have a
great time. When are you back?
About four or five minutes,
I'm just gonna go get some milk.
- Ok.
- Ok. Oh, help yourself to food.
Ooh.
Women don't like good
guys anymore, you know.
They like men to be
mysterious and dark.
Rubbish.
It's true. It is true.
See that girl over there.
Yeah, I've been
checking her out.
Go over to her and make out like
you've got some big, dark secret.
She will love it.
Honestly, you
reckon this will work?
Yes.
Alright. Ok.
Be brave.
I just killed eight nurses.
Hi, I'm Sam.
Come back here.
- Too dark?
- Too dark.
Wait!
Don't jump.
Go away.
Just think of all the people
that you're gonna hurt.
It's too late for that.
I don't want you to go.
I just... I don't
want you to go.
And I don't wanna go.
I never wanted to go,
-i just wanted to know someone cared.
-Oh...
- What?
- Oh, ok, sorry.
- Urgh.
- What?
- I thought you were someone else.
- What?
Well, I just thought, erm,
you looked like my boyfriend.
And he has the same jacket.
Hey, I'm so embarrassed.
I'm such an idiot.
Well-well, don't go.
- I might jump.
- Good luck with that.
Shit.
Sorry, I didn't realise
you were still in there.
[Shivering] It's alright.
I've... Nearly fixed it.
Are you alright?
Could you do us
a favour, please?
Yeah, sure.
Could you just call-call
my wife for me, please.
Just-just to say that.
That you're stuck in our fridge?
No, can you just, just
tell her that, that I love her.
Yeah, alright. See you later.
Night-night.
And as I stood there
on the summit of Everest,
celebrating my 30th birthday,
I looked down above the clouds
and considered the extraordinary
first chapter of my life.
Knowing that I would
have achieved nothing
without the love and
support of my family.
Yeah.
Gosh, wow, that was brilliant.
Thank you.
That would make a really
good book, you know.
[Laughs] Too kind.
No, I'm serious, you should get that all
written down. You should write a book.
Yeah, well, that's-that's what
you've been doing, isn't it?
Sorry, you wanted me to wr...
You have been taking this down?
[Exhales]
No. God, no, sorry, I-I just
thought you were telling me a story.
What have you been typing then?
Well, actually, I
was on the Internet.
Erm, there's this really good
website where you can have your head
put on animals bodies and
I've done me on a greyhound.
Right, right.
Good.
Ok, er, let's...
Let's start again.
And this time,
please try and take it down, ok?
- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
- Yes?
Chapter one.
There comes a time in every
man's life when he must...
[Laughs]
take stock of...
Wow, wow,
you're definitely gonna
get noticed in that dress.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, that's a get noticed dress.
You're sure I shouldn't have
gone for something brighter?
- No, trust me. Where are you going?
- Cycling.
- It's great.
- Ok, see ya later.
See ya.
Thank you very much.
Alright?
Is that your mum?
She's nice. [Laughs]
Is daddy still home?
Not anymore.
That's a shame, innit?
I mean, for you.
-Who's she on the phone to, boyfriend?
-Brother.
Brother. So is she
seeing anyone?
No.
Do me a favour,
do yourself a favour.
Get her to give me
a little bell, yeah?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
And give her this, too.
Yeah, birds love ice cream.
Go on, chip off. Oi, oi, oi.
Tell her there is plenty more
where that came from, yeah?
Can't say it's been easy
since Jane moved out.
It's not just the whole
breaking up thing,
it's all the little things.
Like Jane used to
do all the cooking.
Still, I'm coping.
Do you want one?
No, actually, we've
both just given up.
Yeah, six weeks now.
Really knocked it on the head.
[Chuckles] Good for you.
We've tried everything.
Gum, patches, just...
A little tip, it's the
nicotine, it's the ritual.
Yeah, it's having something
to do with you hands, you know.
[Plays oboe badly]
It's just displacement.
It really is very easy.
[Plays tuba badly]
- Would you like one?
- Ok.
[Plays saxophone badly]
[Door bell]
- Hi.
- Hi, where is it?
Thank you, thank you, come in.
How embarrassing.
Just wait could you just
put it in this for me, please.
Yeah, thank you.
It's just upstairs.
Spiders, I'm sorry, they
just really freak me out.
It's just the one thing. Ooh,
it just so grosses me out.
It's in the bathroom. Make sure
your hands over the top of the glass
cos I don't want it... I just...
I really wanna thank you.
Thank you for being a
real friend, you know,
just cos most guys, well, they
would like expect something for this,
I.e. Sex. [Sarcastic laugh]
I mean, I don't think so.
It's ridiculous, I know.
I know you wouldn't
expect anything like that.
You know why? Cos
you are a real friend.
I couldn't help but notice but is,
is your Sarah wearing make-up?
Yeah, sometimes I let
her play with my lipstick.
You know, it's quite harmless.
Yeah, she probably
just wants to look pretty.
Or in a few years it'll be like, "mummy,
mummy, mummy I need a nose job."
Then it's breast implants
for a 16th birthday.
Then she decides she wants bigger
ones so it's back under the knife.
After that she cannot
help herself, she's addicted.
Eyelifts, liposuction,
Botox, the lot.
By the time she's 30 she
looks like a shop dummy
that's been burnt in a fire.
Children on the street
are scared of her.
Then one day she-she
flies off on holiday
and it's pop-pop, oh, shit,
there go my giant freakish tits.
[Laughs]
Or, you know...
She'll be fine.
What's this for?
Well, you know how you said I
was smothering you, being clingy?
Don't be silly.
God, it's lovely.
Well, try it on.
God, it's, erm,
it's really, really soft.
What's it made of?
My belly button fluff.
Ooh.
Hot in here.
I'll wear it later.
Hey, Fiona.
- Hiya.
- How's things at head office?
Fine, yeah, fine.
That was a really
useful meeting yesterday.
Yeah, well, you
know, I think it...
Oh, god, sorry. Sorry,
sorry, Fiona, this is gin.
Yeah, I know.
- Somebody's... what? You know?
- Yeah.
Well, why-why is
there gin in the, in the...
It's to get you all a
bit pissed really, yeah.
I-I don't understand
why. Why did you?
Oh, god, I wasn't going to
say. It's a bit embarrassing.
-We're laying everyone off on Friday.
-What?
And we just thought this might
soften the blow a bit. Yeah.
- Does anyone else know?
- No. Shh.
What's this?
This is gin, straight up gin.
I hate gin, it really
makes me cry.
Why is this gin?
Er, everyone's being
fired on Friday, so...
All of us?
Ah, well,
obviously-obviously not me,
no, just all of you lot.
So, drink up, enjoy
and it has been,
it has been a treat
working with you.
[Together] ♪ happy
birthday to you ♪
[Together] Whey!
Thank you.
It means quite a
lot to me, you know.
My first birthday in my
new house without Nancy.
It's supposed to
be a celebration.
Yes, it is.
- Do you want to give him his card?
- Yeah.
You've got me a card.
Happy birthday, big guy.
Thank you.
- Did you get him a nice one?
- Yeah.
[Laughs]
What?
Can we cut the cake?
I've just come out of a long
term relationship so, erm...
Going out and,
er, flirting and stuff
is something I've not
done in a, in a long time.
Oh, right.
Well, if it's any consolation, I
don't think it's changed all that much.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Right, right.
Well, erm,
I'll show you my Willy if
I can touch your nu-nu.
Hello, police.
[Laughing]
What, now?
Oh, erm...
So now we're just
ringing up and laughing.
I can't believe I'm laughing.
I am somebody who has
got a giggling problem.
No, you haven't, you're Karen.
Oh, I thought I could get
that one back but it didn't work.
No, no, no, go away
and never ring me again.
Listen, the gas man came
round but I wouldn't let him in
because he looks
like a rapist. [Laughs]
You're sick and
you're going to hell.
Hello, police.
So, Mandy.
It says on your Internet
profile that you're a Virgo.
Yeah.
Mickey's a Virgo,
ain't you, Mickey?
Yeah.
Is he ok?
He's fine.
He's a big-big hit with the
crumpet, ain't ya, Mickey?
He's 12 years old.
Age ain't nothing but a
number, ladies, you know.
You should hear about some
of the shit that he gets me into.
The last gig he took me to
I ended up just
mashed off my tits naked,
dancing on stage.
Tell 'em.
That was my school play.
[Laughs] Really?
Yeah, really.
Oi, oi, oi.
You know, if there's
one thing I've learnt
is that there is plenty more
Internet trollop where that came from.
And a lot less mouthy.
Drink your pint.
Hey, dinner's rea-dy.
That my picture you're
throwing darts at?
Oh, yes.
Thought that you loved me.
I do.
This is just my way
of letting off steam.
It means that when we're
together, we get on better.
Right so you-you do love me?
Missed. Shit!
Er, yeah, I, ah,
adore you. Mwah!
Bullseye, yes! Get in there,
you son of a b... What?
[Mumbles] I'm
still... I'm still...
- I can't hear you, what?
- The others are waiting.
I'm coming in a minute,
let me finish. Two more.
[Laughs]
So what you doing later?
Well, that all
depends, doesn't it?
Well, listen, feel
free to say no,
but, er, there's a few of
us going back to my way,
just gonna play a few tunes
and have a few more drinks,
if you fancy it.
Well, I shouldn't, but,
yeah. Yeah, I'd like that.
- Good.
- Where is it?
Erm, I'll tell you what,
I'll draw you a map
cos it's a nightmare to find.
Basically, you come out of here,
follow the road all the way to
the top then you get to a bend.
Follow that round to the
right, ignore that alleyway there.
You know you're on the right road
if you see a little lake on the left.
Keep going round the bend
and when you come out of that,
follow that road all the
way down to the bottom.
And we'll see you there.
Oh, mate, there has got to be a
better way to get to your house.
[Both panting]
[Playing instruments badly]
Well, competition between the
schools in the area is pretty tough
but I think that Beth would
fit in very well at St. Thomas'.
That is a relief.
There is one more thing.
Oh, knew there'd be a catch.
It's just that we would be very
interested to see how you'd get on
fighting a robot.
See, I told you,
they always do this.
I'm sorry, what-what
did you say?
Oh, sorry. Not-not just
you, I mean the pair of you.
Sorry? Fighting?
Yes, yes, yes.
Right, I'll be the robot,
take a swing at me.
Come on. Come on. Hit the robot.
You've got to really
lay into the robot,
you know, fight the robot.
Fight the robot.
You must fight... Oh!
Oh, that's the spirit. Yes.
Now, kick the robot. Yes.
Kick. Ow!
Ow! Kick! Oh.
Ooh, that's good.
That's-that's, oh.
Break, break, break. Break.
Oh. That was, that
was marvellous.
Ster... sterling work.
Really, very good.
Sterling work.
Does that mean Beth's in then?
Oh, no, no, that was, that was
pretty unfair really, wasn't it?
Cos there was two of
you against only one robot.
Hello, Roger, yes.
Do you mind stepping in
here for a moment, please.
Thank you.
Let's do this, yeah.
You want it, how bad you
wanna get your little bitch
into this school,
yeah? Let's do this.
---
All done.
Go to daddy now.
Ooh, there.
There we go.
[Burps]
Thank you.
There we go.
Hey.
[Gasps]
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
Hello, prisoner.
Hello, warden.
I hope you're not gonna
cause any trouble for me today.
[Chuckles] You know me.
I do.
I know you're a very naughty boy
and I'm here to make
sure you get punished.
[Groans]
[Snarling]
Enjoying yourself, aren't you?
This is the greatest
meal I've ever eaten.
It should be. It's
gonna be your last.
What?
Yeah, the courts, they
ruled against your appeal
so you're going to
the chair, my friend.
Oh, the love chair, huh?
No, the electric chair.
Yee-ha! This paedo's gonna fry.
Hey, don't say
paedo. I'm not a paedo.
I don't know, that's
for god to decide now.
First, I'm gonna tighten you up.
- [Groans]
- Ooh, kinky.
Take a sponge. Put
that on your head.
For the sweats, I suppose.
And then I'm gonna
rip your trousers off.
Ooh, I like where this is going.
Which is good because
when they flick the switch
you're probably gonna
shit yourself pretty badly.
Jen... jenny.
I don't think we should
do role play anymore.
[Door shuts]
[Man] The research of all this
research has led to one thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
the office dog filing system.
Now compare buster here, to
the size of an ordinary filing cabinet.
Smaller, tick, yes.
But here's the clincher.
Now, via dogs, the
paperwork comes to you.
You see, using a
network of these dogs,
our business can save
space, time and money.
Any questions?
Yes, you.
How is this gonna reduce the
company's carbon emissions?
It isn't. Next question.
I'm sure Darren's getting to carbon
emission reduction, aren't you Darren?
No, I'm not, I'm done.
Darren, can you remember what
I asked you to prepare for today?
Yes, you said that our office had
some energy efficiency problems.
- That's right, yeah.
- And you were going on about animals.
Minerals, Darren, not animals.
- No, pretty sure...
- Darren, I didn't.
- You said animals.
- No.
- Did.
- No, I didn't.
Anyway, Darren, I'm sure we all
appreciate the work that you've done
-and I'd like to take your point and...
-[Dog barks]
Have you replaced
all our filing with dogs?
Hm?
Sort of. Erm, yeah.
- It's gorgeous, isn't it?
- Mmm, it's boiling.
I mean, I've been
sunbathing at work all week
and now it's sunny at
the weekend. It's great.
Mmm, I just wanna get
rid of these strap marks.
I just think tan lines
are so disgusting.
[Man groans]
You know what, I think I'm
gonna go and get us an ice cream.
You get a better overall
tan if you move about.
Little tip for you there.
[Band playing jazz]
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I dropped my sister's
child on his head
when he was six months old.
She was out of
the room at the time
and as the kid didn't
cry it was easy to just...
Pop him back in the cot and
act as if nothing had happened.
He couldn't speak
at the time, of course.
[Chuckles]
It was only when he
did utter his first word
that I realised he'd been
severely disabled in the fall
and would have terrible learning
difficulties for the rest of his life.
Sometimes when I'm
round my sister's I...
I look at that kid and
I just... Feel weird,
which is why you'll often
find me in the garden.
That's where this
next song was written.
[Jazz music plays]
Alright.
I'm not early, am I?
No, you're not early.
What... why... what's that?
Oh, that-that's a,
that's a present.
- It's for you.
- For me?
Yeah, it's a present.
Actually, it was Pete's idea.
He read an article and, apparently,
owls are this year's roses.
So it's good, innit?
Oh, Damien, we-we've
gone over this.
Over what?
Do you wanna have
a look in your wallet?
Yeah, that's...
Actually, do you
wanna... This might fall off.
Does this ring any bells?
- Oh, he's done it again, hasn't he?
- Yes, he has.
- Do you, do you like owls?
- Not really, no.
I'll kill him.
I'm just gonna nip to the
ladies room, I'll see you in a sec.
- Hey, she seems nice.
- She's really pretty.
She thinks I'm black.
What?
She thinks I'm black.
She thinks you're black?
She likes black guys so,
just told her I was black.
So if you could
just help-help me.
- Ahh, hello.
- Hi.
Is everything ok?
Yeah, fine. Everything's fine.
So how-how do you know Mark?
Er, Mark and I were
at school together.
Oh, right, in Nigeria?
In brentwood.
Brentwood.
We-we... we met on an
exchange programme,
didn't we, when our-our
two great cities were twinned.
It's strange, Mark, from
all the years I've known you,
I didn't realise you
were from Nigeria.
Well, er, a man's heart is
an ocean of secrets, isn't it?
Why don't you just tell us a
bit about how you grew up?
Was it a big village?
Mark doesn't like to
talk about his childhood.
There was, er,
an awful...
Massacre.
Shall we... Do you want a drink?
Oh, the things those
sad eyes must have seen.
The anguish just etched
on that beautiful ebony face.
Sometimes it makes
me want to cry.
Ah! Don't touch my afro.
Hello, police.
Oh, my children are missing.
Alright, calm down, madam,
they're missing in the woods. I
think they're missing in the woods.
Can you send out a search party?
Alright, calm down, madam. If
you could just give me all the details.
[Deep inhale] They
went out into the woods
and totally they marked
the path with pebbles
but there weren't any pebbles
so they took breadcrumbs
but the animals did ate them and
so they couldn't find their way back.
Right, ok. And-and can you tell me
when you last heard from them, please?
I don't know.
They called me on a my mobile.
They said they found a house
and they were gonna go in.
Ok. Was this house
made of sweets?
Yeah.
Right, this is the plot of hansel
and gretel. This is Karen. Hello.
[Laughs] Can you bring
home some ice cream?
Oh, Karen, I'm
really trying to work.
I've got six people holding
with real emergencies.
I know, but Natasha, I
really, really like ice cream.
Alright, I'll stop by the
shop. And by the way,
what was that accent?
Oh, it was just...
It was everything.
Yeah. I'm gonna go now.
- Ok, and Natasha?
- What?
- Guess what I'm doing.
- Don't know.
- Touching my nose with my toe.
- Brilliant. Good for you.
- Oh, you never would of got that.
- [Hangs up]
- Bye...
- Hello, police.
I just don't think
they've done the maths.
I am busting.
Even if, right,
and it is a big if,
but even if we get the contract,
you know, that's not enough.
They think one contract is gonna
guarantee some kind of magical stability.
It's just naive,
plain and simple.
If we still had the railing account
then maybe we could go for it.
But as it is, I'm just not
in a position to gamble.
No. No, I know where
you're coming from, John.
You know, and the thing is,
who's gonna speak to
head office now, you know.
They know the whole
company's on the line.
I needed that.
Right, let's get back to it.
Yeah. Good luck
with the presentation.
Thank you.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Sarah,
happy birthday to you ♪
[Groans]
Apparently, in the olden days,
before candles were invented,
they used to smash up
the cake with a hammer.
Pete got it off the Internet.
Yes, Damien.
Erm, do you remember that
voice recorder I bought you?
Yeah.
- Have you got it on you?
- Erm, yeah.
D'you wanna press play now?
[Play button beeps]
[Woman] Don't trust
Pete. Don't trust Pete.
Don't trust Pete. Don't
trust Pete. Don't trust Pete.
- [Tape stops]
- Oh, no.
Oh, he's done it again, hasn't he?
- Yes, he has.
- Still eat the cake?
- Not really, no.
Oh, god, I'll kill him.
Did that bloke come
to fix the fridge?
Er, yeah, he's
still here, I think.
There's also a fresh pot of tea
on the side if you want some.
- Alright. Do you wanna refill?
- No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Alright, mate.
- Shit.
Alright, just finishing...
Just finishing up here.
You alright?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Fine.
I-I'm nearly done, actually.
Do you, do you normally
have to get right in there?
Yeah, yeah. It's standard
procedure with these models.
I'm not, ha, I'm not
stuck or anything.
No, no, of course you're not.
Do you er... Do you
want me to call someone?
No, I'm fine.
Been in the business for 15
years, I am definitely not stuck.
Pass that milk, will ya?
- This one?
- Yeah.
Look, I mean, no
disrespect to you
but you-you do look stuck.
No, no, no, no,
no, not me, mate.
I'm fine. Seriously,
just doing my job.
It's just with these older
models you, you do actually...
You actually have to
climb inside the fridge?
Yeah. Probably.
I'll let you know when
I'm done here, alright?
I'm just, er... I'll give you a
shout. I'm just fixing things.
Yeah, sure. Give me me
shout, tell me if the light goes off.
Ooh, yeah.
Wait, wait, hang on, erm.
Ah, shit, I haven't
got any things.
Oh, it's fine. I have some.
Yeah, just a sec.
Can you hold onto that?
These.
Kinky.
[Groans]
Oh, god, where are they?
- Hey, hey!
- [Man screams]
I got it. I got it.
Oh, god.
The code is 1972.
And you just want to run
and close the door to
make sure it stops beeping.
1972, got it.
Ok, and this is for the garage
door, front door and back door.
Water the plants, if
they look a little bit dry
and just pick up any
post from the mat.
Ok, no problem. Have a
great time. When are you back?
About four or five minutes,
I'm just gonna go get some milk.
- Ok.
- Ok. Oh, help yourself to food.
Ooh.
Women don't like good
guys anymore, you know.
They like men to be
mysterious and dark.
Rubbish.
It's true. It is true.
See that girl over there.
Yeah, I've been
checking her out.
Go over to her and make out like
you've got some big, dark secret.
She will love it.
Honestly, you
reckon this will work?
Yes.
Alright. Ok.
Be brave.
I just killed eight nurses.
Hi, I'm Sam.
Come back here.
- Too dark?
- Too dark.
Wait!
Don't jump.
Go away.
Just think of all the people
that you're gonna hurt.
It's too late for that.
I don't want you to go.
I just... I don't
want you to go.
And I don't wanna go.
I never wanted to go,
-i just wanted to know someone cared.
-Oh...
- What?
- Oh, ok, sorry.
- Urgh.
- What?
- I thought you were someone else.
- What?
Well, I just thought, erm,
you looked like my boyfriend.
And he has the same jacket.
Hey, I'm so embarrassed.
I'm such an idiot.
Well-well, don't go.
- I might jump.
- Good luck with that.
Shit.
Sorry, I didn't realise
you were still in there.
[Shivering] It's alright.
I've... Nearly fixed it.
Are you alright?
Could you do us
a favour, please?
Yeah, sure.
Could you just call-call
my wife for me, please.
Just-just to say that.
That you're stuck in our fridge?
No, can you just, just
tell her that, that I love her.
Yeah, alright. See you later.
Night-night.
And as I stood there
on the summit of Everest,
celebrating my 30th birthday,
I looked down above the clouds
and considered the extraordinary
first chapter of my life.
Knowing that I would
have achieved nothing
without the love and
support of my family.
Yeah.
Gosh, wow, that was brilliant.
Thank you.
That would make a really
good book, you know.
[Laughs] Too kind.
No, I'm serious, you should get that all
written down. You should write a book.
Yeah, well, that's-that's what
you've been doing, isn't it?
Sorry, you wanted me to wr...
You have been taking this down?
[Exhales]
No. God, no, sorry, I-I just
thought you were telling me a story.
What have you been typing then?
Well, actually, I
was on the Internet.
Erm, there's this really good
website where you can have your head
put on animals bodies and
I've done me on a greyhound.
Right, right.
Good.
Ok, er, let's...
Let's start again.
And this time,
please try and take it down, ok?
- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
- Yes?
Chapter one.
There comes a time in every
man's life when he must...
[Laughs]
take stock of...
Wow, wow,
you're definitely gonna
get noticed in that dress.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, that's a get noticed dress.
You're sure I shouldn't have
gone for something brighter?
- No, trust me. Where are you going?
- Cycling.
- It's great.
- Ok, see ya later.
See ya.
Thank you very much.
Alright?
Is that your mum?
She's nice. [Laughs]
Is daddy still home?
Not anymore.
That's a shame, innit?
I mean, for you.
-Who's she on the phone to, boyfriend?
-Brother.
Brother. So is she
seeing anyone?
No.
Do me a favour,
do yourself a favour.
Get her to give me
a little bell, yeah?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
And give her this, too.
Yeah, birds love ice cream.
Go on, chip off. Oi, oi, oi.
Tell her there is plenty more
where that came from, yeah?
Can't say it's been easy
since Jane moved out.
It's not just the whole
breaking up thing,
it's all the little things.
Like Jane used to
do all the cooking.
Still, I'm coping.
Do you want one?
No, actually, we've
both just given up.
Yeah, six weeks now.
Really knocked it on the head.
[Chuckles] Good for you.
We've tried everything.
Gum, patches, just...
A little tip, it's the
nicotine, it's the ritual.
Yeah, it's having something
to do with you hands, you know.
[Plays oboe badly]
It's just displacement.
It really is very easy.
[Plays tuba badly]
- Would you like one?
- Ok.
[Plays saxophone badly]
[Door bell]
- Hi.
- Hi, where is it?
Thank you, thank you, come in.
How embarrassing.
Just wait could you just
put it in this for me, please.
Yeah, thank you.
It's just upstairs.
Spiders, I'm sorry, they
just really freak me out.
It's just the one thing. Ooh,
it just so grosses me out.
It's in the bathroom. Make sure
your hands over the top of the glass
cos I don't want it... I just...
I really wanna thank you.
Thank you for being a
real friend, you know,
just cos most guys, well, they
would like expect something for this,
I.e. Sex. [Sarcastic laugh]
I mean, I don't think so.
It's ridiculous, I know.
I know you wouldn't
expect anything like that.
You know why? Cos
you are a real friend.
I couldn't help but notice but is,
is your Sarah wearing make-up?
Yeah, sometimes I let
her play with my lipstick.
You know, it's quite harmless.
Yeah, she probably
just wants to look pretty.
Or in a few years it'll be like, "mummy,
mummy, mummy I need a nose job."
Then it's breast implants
for a 16th birthday.
Then she decides she wants bigger
ones so it's back under the knife.
After that she cannot
help herself, she's addicted.
Eyelifts, liposuction,
Botox, the lot.
By the time she's 30 she
looks like a shop dummy
that's been burnt in a fire.
Children on the street
are scared of her.
Then one day she-she
flies off on holiday
and it's pop-pop, oh, shit,
there go my giant freakish tits.
[Laughs]
Or, you know...
She'll be fine.
What's this for?
Well, you know how you said I
was smothering you, being clingy?
Don't be silly.
God, it's lovely.
Well, try it on.
God, it's, erm,
it's really, really soft.
What's it made of?
My belly button fluff.
Ooh.
Hot in here.
I'll wear it later.
Hey, Fiona.
- Hiya.
- How's things at head office?
Fine, yeah, fine.
That was a really
useful meeting yesterday.
Yeah, well, you
know, I think it...
Oh, god, sorry. Sorry,
sorry, Fiona, this is gin.
Yeah, I know.
- Somebody's... what? You know?
- Yeah.
Well, why-why is
there gin in the, in the...
It's to get you all a
bit pissed really, yeah.
I-I don't understand
why. Why did you?
Oh, god, I wasn't going to
say. It's a bit embarrassing.
-We're laying everyone off on Friday.
-What?
And we just thought this might
soften the blow a bit. Yeah.
- Does anyone else know?
- No. Shh.
What's this?
This is gin, straight up gin.
I hate gin, it really
makes me cry.
Why is this gin?
Er, everyone's being
fired on Friday, so...
All of us?
Ah, well,
obviously-obviously not me,
no, just all of you lot.
So, drink up, enjoy
and it has been,
it has been a treat
working with you.
[Together] ♪ happy
birthday to you ♪
[Together] Whey!
Thank you.
It means quite a
lot to me, you know.
My first birthday in my
new house without Nancy.
It's supposed to
be a celebration.
Yes, it is.
- Do you want to give him his card?
- Yeah.
You've got me a card.
Happy birthday, big guy.
Thank you.
- Did you get him a nice one?
- Yeah.
[Laughs]
What?
Can we cut the cake?
I've just come out of a long
term relationship so, erm...
Going out and,
er, flirting and stuff
is something I've not
done in a, in a long time.
Oh, right.
Well, if it's any consolation, I
don't think it's changed all that much.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Right, right.
Well, erm,
I'll show you my Willy if
I can touch your nu-nu.
Hello, police.
[Laughing]
What, now?
Oh, erm...
So now we're just
ringing up and laughing.
I can't believe I'm laughing.
I am somebody who has
got a giggling problem.
No, you haven't, you're Karen.
Oh, I thought I could get
that one back but it didn't work.
No, no, no, go away
and never ring me again.
Listen, the gas man came
round but I wouldn't let him in
because he looks
like a rapist. [Laughs]
You're sick and
you're going to hell.
Hello, police.
So, Mandy.
It says on your Internet
profile that you're a Virgo.
Yeah.
Mickey's a Virgo,
ain't you, Mickey?
Yeah.
Is he ok?
He's fine.
He's a big-big hit with the
crumpet, ain't ya, Mickey?
He's 12 years old.
Age ain't nothing but a
number, ladies, you know.
You should hear about some
of the shit that he gets me into.
The last gig he took me to
I ended up just
mashed off my tits naked,
dancing on stage.
Tell 'em.
That was my school play.
[Laughs] Really?
Yeah, really.
Oi, oi, oi.
You know, if there's
one thing I've learnt
is that there is plenty more
Internet trollop where that came from.
And a lot less mouthy.
Drink your pint.
Hey, dinner's rea-dy.
That my picture you're
throwing darts at?
Oh, yes.
Thought that you loved me.
I do.
This is just my way
of letting off steam.
It means that when we're
together, we get on better.
Right so you-you do love me?
Missed. Shit!
Er, yeah, I, ah,
adore you. Mwah!
Bullseye, yes! Get in there,
you son of a b... What?
[Mumbles] I'm
still... I'm still...
- I can't hear you, what?
- The others are waiting.
I'm coming in a minute,
let me finish. Two more.
[Laughs]
So what you doing later?
Well, that all
depends, doesn't it?
Well, listen, feel
free to say no,
but, er, there's a few of
us going back to my way,
just gonna play a few tunes
and have a few more drinks,
if you fancy it.
Well, I shouldn't, but,
yeah. Yeah, I'd like that.
- Good.
- Where is it?
Erm, I'll tell you what,
I'll draw you a map
cos it's a nightmare to find.
Basically, you come out of here,
follow the road all the way to
the top then you get to a bend.
Follow that round to the
right, ignore that alleyway there.
You know you're on the right road
if you see a little lake on the left.
Keep going round the bend
and when you come out of that,
follow that road all the
way down to the bottom.
And we'll see you there.
Oh, mate, there has got to be a
better way to get to your house.
[Both panting]
[Playing instruments badly]
Well, competition between the
schools in the area is pretty tough
but I think that Beth would
fit in very well at St. Thomas'.
That is a relief.
There is one more thing.
Oh, knew there'd be a catch.
It's just that we would be very
interested to see how you'd get on
fighting a robot.
See, I told you,
they always do this.
I'm sorry, what-what
did you say?
Oh, sorry. Not-not just
you, I mean the pair of you.
Sorry? Fighting?
Yes, yes, yes.
Right, I'll be the robot,
take a swing at me.
Come on. Come on. Hit the robot.
You've got to really
lay into the robot,
you know, fight the robot.
Fight the robot.
You must fight... Oh!
Oh, that's the spirit. Yes.
Now, kick the robot. Yes.
Kick. Ow!
Ow! Kick! Oh.
Ooh, that's good.
That's-that's, oh.
Break, break, break. Break.
Oh. That was, that
was marvellous.
Ster... sterling work.
Really, very good.
Sterling work.
Does that mean Beth's in then?
Oh, no, no, that was, that was
pretty unfair really, wasn't it?
Cos there was two of
you against only one robot.
Hello, Roger, yes.
Do you mind stepping in
here for a moment, please.
Thank you.
Let's do this, yeah.
You want it, how bad you
wanna get your little bitch
into this school,
yeah? Let's do this.