Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
So, er, you ever been
on a blind date before?
- Er, no. This is my first.
- [Laughs]
- Yeah, me too.
- Is it?
Yeah. I hope, I
hope you're, erm,
you're not disappointed cos, er,
well, I'm not.
Oh, er, this is it.
Oh, great.
Piccolo, allow me.
A perfect gentlemen, too.
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
yeah, completely
swept her off her feet.
- That's so gorgeous.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- Fancy a beer?
- Yeah, that'll be great.
Oh, er, Charlie asked us to
go over to his place on Sunday.
Cool.
Yeah, apparently, he wants
to road test a barbecue,
I dunno so I said we'd go after
we drop my mum off at the air...
[Moaning]
Oh...
I'm sorry, Lucy, I just
really like your dog.
We all get on, don't
we, the three of us.
It's not like it's a stranger.
Could you get out
of my dog, please.
Well, it's not like
we're always at it.
It's just every time
you leave the room.
Oh.
Did you have a
good time with him?
Well, we had a nice
drink and I like him
but I don't think I'm
gonna see him again.
- Oh, my god, that is gross.
- [Laughs]
Don't laugh!
Oh, god, don't be upset,
it's supposed to be lucky.
Well, how can that be lucky?
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Wow, you must be
really, really lucky.
Aww.
Hey, wassup?
Boing, boing, boing. [Chuckles]
Oi, psst, oi.
You got any cash, eh?
Come on, Cindy's up
there. You should see Cindy.
Fucking hell.
Why don't you cheer up?
It's your 18th birthday...
You're sitting out here
like an old fucking woman.
But I'm 12, uncle Jack.
No, you ain't.
Well, I was 11 last year.
And we went to
Amsterdam last year.
Well, you were meant
to take us bowling.
[Cheering in the distance]
Oi, come on.
Wh-where's your birthday money?
Where are the cards that
nan and the others got ya?
Come on, just
gimme 'em, will ya?
God, no, it's got
to be somewhere.
Alright.
I'll finish up in there, yeah?
And we'll get a bit of
weed and then home.
Hmm?
- [Horn honks]
- Fucking answer me.
Moody bollocks.
So, erm,
so tell me a bit about yourself,
you know, you, what you,
what you like,
what you don't like.
Erm, gosh, I don't know.
Oh, I'll tell you what
I really don't like.
Go on.
Practical jokes.
Hate them. Oh, eurgh.
[Both laugh]
- What you doing?
- Yeah. No, i'm...
- Awful.
- Yeah.
They are, they are. They're...
Bloody annoying.
Oh, no, I just, I was
just looking... is that...
What... what is...
Is that a starling?
- Where? No.
- The...
There's dog, there's mummy.
There's dog, there's mummy.
Who's our little champion,
eh? I think it's you.
Meow, mummy.
Would you like a
little glass of wine, eh?
Would you like a splash of vino?
No, no, silly daddy.
- No, love, it's the other way round.
- What?
Well, you do, you do
the high voice to the baby.
Oh, ok, mummy.
Because they respond better to high
pitch voices, don't they? Don't you?
Oh, right. Right. Erm.
Hey, erm, would-would
you care for a glass of wine?
Er, no, because he's a
little bit young for that.
It's me. Get it right.
Oh, silly, silly, daddy. Doing
the wrong voice again, isn't he?
Isn't he? Now, mummy,
would you like a glass of wine?
No, because you do that
voice to the baby, not to me.
- Oh, right, right, right. Right.
- Yes.
Oh, mmm.
There. There-there,
little pipkin,
I'm doing the high voice now
and you respond better to
the high voice, don't you? Haha.
Is there something
wrong with you brain?
I don't know, mummy.
Oh, hey, er, Sarah, can we
have your opinion on something?
Mmm.
Sarah, this is mr popodopolis.
Mr popodopolis,
this is doctor marsh.
Sarah, mr popodopolis is presenting
with acute pantropic transparency.
He's become invisible.
Mmm, ok. Fuck off, guys.
Erm, [laughs] I'm terribly
sorry, mr popodopolis,
doctor marsh isn't serious.
Erm, we wonder if you could
give mr popodopolis the once over,
see if you agree
with our diagnosis.
No, really, it's
really fuck off.
Hmmm.
[Popodopolis] Why
is lady doctor go?
You tell me she's best
doctor for invisible problem.
Well, yes, she-she did
major in transparency.
[Popodopolis] She
can fuck off too, innit?
She's been under a lot
of stress we-we all have.
So who would your
fantasy shag be?
Oh, that's a good question.
Erm...[clicks tongue]
Oh, it's a bit of a cliche but I would
have to say mr George Clooney.
You would waste your one
free shag on George Clooney?
Yeah, of course I
would. How about you?
Hmm, er, tricky one.
- Yeah.
- You'd forgive me?
Well, only if you
forgave me for Clooney.
Fine. Then I'm gonna say Amelia.
Er, sorry, Amelia who?
Your best mate, Amelia.
No, sorry. Er, this is meant
to be your fantasy shag.
Yeah, it bloody well is.
No, then. No. You
can't have Amelia.
So you get Clooney,
I get no one?
Well, no...
George Clooney is a massive
film star, I could never get him
we go out with Amelia all
the time. You could get Amelia.
Yeah, as if.
She's way out of my league.
Her eyes and her tits, you know,
I imagine them jiggling up
and down as we make love,
and I reach up and
ha, I can cup one.
Right.
As if that's gonna happen
to me in a million years.
Right, ok. I don't think
you understand this game.
What is not to understand?
You choose your ideal man,
I choose my ideal woman.
What, I'm not your ideal woman?
Not compared to
her, no, to be fair.
Fine, ok, then, I'm gonna
sleep with one of your friends.
I think it's gonna be Ben.
Hey, Leigh, Leigh,
Leigh, come back.
Hey.
Come on.
Do you really think Amelia
might go for someone like me?
-Oh. What, hey?
You're so tetchy.
Yes.
Jen, you making tea?
- No.
- Yeah, you are. Two sugars, please.
[Shouting orders]
Woo!
Oh, my god.
That was amazing.
That was so intense.
It was...
It was just like your
life depended on it.
[Panting]
- One more time?
- [Groans]
Yeah...
Ok.
No. Oh...
- [Doorbell rings]
- [Radio chatter]
- Hello.
- Mr, ashfield?
Mr David ashfield?
Yeah.
Would it be possible
for me to come in, sir?
Er, yeah, yeah, certainly.
Come in. Go, er, go through.
Not a problem, is there?
Perhaps it might be a good
idea if you sat down, sir.
Oh, god.
Oh, god, no.
Oh, god, it's Julia, isn't it?
No it's-it's not Julia,
sir, please stay calm.
Although I'm afraid I do
have some rather bad news.
No.
You may be spending up to £20 a month
too much on your domestic gas supply.
What?
You're not a real
police officer, are you?
No.
No, i'm-I'm not.
I'll let myself out.
[Dog barking]
[Man coughs]
You're not gonna
be angry, are ya?
Why, what have you done?
It was only 70 quid.
It's a leaf blower.
It's fine, as long as you
actually use it. It's fine.
- Sure you're not angry.
- No, I'm not angry.
[Leaf blower whirring]
What about now?
No.
What about now?
Yeah, I'm angry now. Yeah.
Yeah, thought you'd say that.
Good job I kept the receipt.
Oh, yes, mr popodopolis,
you forgot your coat.
[Mr popodopolis] Yes,
I sorry I interrupt you.
It's cold outside. I
freeze my bloody nut off.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye now.
It's just off ludlow
road, I think.
Deb was talking about it.
It's, erm, it's called,
oh, what was it called?
Lumms? It's called.
Mmm. Bigger. See, I was right.
Yeah, but it's
weird cos he's taller.
Yeah, I know, but you can't
judge a book by its cover.
[Indistinct chatter]
I don't know if you realised,
but it's been seven years
to the day since we first met.
Oh, god, it is, at
Lorraine's party.
At Lorraine's party.
[Exhales] Wow, seven years.
Seven years.
I really love you, Katrine.
Mm, I love you too.
Close your eyes.
Why?
Because I've got something
for you. Close your eyes.
Oh, is this what I think it is.
[Quiz machine jingle]
Oh, my god, Nigel!
[Exhales] Ok.
Nigel?
Nigel?
Nigel!
Mm?
Sorry.
- Hey.
- Yeah, hi.
[Chortles]
Sorry, what were
we talking about?
There you go, there's
the pennington file.
Ahh, brilliant.
Thanks again, Mark.
God, it is such a
relief to have you here.
Do you know that usually when a
girl asks a guy to stay behind after work
he gets totally the wrong idea.
He thinks it's some surreptitious
way to get the man alone and shag him.
[Scoffs] Which is
just so ridiculous.
Anyway, I'm glad
you're not like that.
I tell you what,
I'll make you a nice cup of
tea if you put the kettle on.
[Band playing jazz]
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
rules are rules.
Don't smoke near schools.
A lyric from my third album,
which still haunts me to this day.
I was having a crafty fag
behind the technology block
during my son's parents evening.
It took me 15 minutes to realise
that a butt I'd accidentally
flicked through an open window
started a Blaze that would end
up raging for most of the night.
Several children
perished that hot night,
but, fortunately,
my kids survived.
I took my kids away and
put them in a different school,
a better, private school.
But sometimes I...
I drive past that shell
of a building and feel...
Not good.
Ok.
Hello, police.
[Posh voice] Hello, I'd like to report
an attempted crime, a crime actually.
Ok. Would you be able
to give me any details?
Sure, Yah.
Basically, I work
at the race course
and I found some
old files in the office
and I realised I've come across
some very strong evidence
that some of the races will be
fixed. I got the name of two horses.
Ok, madam, can you give
me those names, please?
Yah, sure, absolutely.
The first one was
called one-one.
One-one, right, ok.
And the second one,
you wouldn't believe
it, was called two-two.
- Two-two.
- Mmm.
One-one was a race horse
but also two-two was one two.
Right, and when one-one won
one race, two-two won one, too?
- [Laughs]
- Hello, Karen.
- Hello.
- Get a job.
I don't want a job.
Oh, you're a grown woman, you
spend your days doing funny phone calls.
[Mocking] You're a grown woman, you
spend your days doing funny phone calls.
That's good. Er,
I'll see you later.
- I hope so.
- Yes.
- Ooh. Oh, god.
- What?
- Something happened.
- What?
- Your mum rang.
- Did you get a message?
I can't remember.
- Why would you remember?
- Nah.
- I'm going now.
- No.
- [Hangs up]
- Ah.
Bye!
Hello, police.
Ready when you are.
Hello, Johnson.
Hello.
Headmistress.
Hello, headmistress. I hope
you've brought your cane.
Mmm-hmm.
Sit down, Johnson.
- [Groans]
- So do you know why you're here?
Because I've been naughty.
Oh, you've been very naughty.
I saw you in the swimming
pool changing room.
You did?
Mmm. In your tight wet trunks.
Wanking off Toby
Granger from 3c.
What?
Yeah. Toby's parents have called
and this isn't the first time
that this has happened. Mmm?
Want this. Ow.
Like with Andy Myers.
You were seen touching him.
I don't think there's anything
wrong with experimentation.
With a five year old?
Yeah, yeah, that's just wrong.
So, what do you have
to say for yourself?
I...
I don't think we should
do role play anymore.
Fine.
- Fail.
- Ow.
Oh, hi, Jane, how's
the divorce going?
I'm riding a child's tricycle through
the park in my dressing gown, sue,
how'd you think it's going?
You're being very
brave, Stephanie.
Now this is mr sutherland, he's
from the one wish foundation.
Hello, Stephanie.
Now we're here because
we'd like to offer you the chance
to make one of your
dreams come here.
Is that because
I'm going to die?
It's alright, mr sutherland.
Stephanie and I have
spoken about this.
She really is being
a very brave little girl.
Well, in that case,
yes, it is Stephanie.
But we want to do everything possible
to make your last wish come true.
So how about a trip to
Disneyland or a lovely big Teddy?
I'd like you to close
down the hospital.
But why do you want us
to close down the hospital?
It's boring.
I want you to close
down the hospital
and make it into a circus.
Ok. Why do you want that?
Clowns. Acrobats.
But this is our
hospital, Stephanie,
I've worked here for
13 years, and if we,
if we close it down hundreds
of people will be out of work.
Yeah, but acrobats.
Yeah, I'm not gonna
do it, Stephanie.
[Cries]
Close down the hospital.
Close down the hospital.
Sack all the nurses.
Sack them, sack them all.
I want acrobats. Close
down the hospital.
Alright. I'll go
inform all the staff.
Will I go to heaven,
mr sutherland?
Erm, probably not
now, Stephanie.
Sorry.
- Do you love me?
- You know I do.
I will always love you.
And always be true to you.
Will you be to me?
Well, that, now that
is a tough one, isn't it?
Cos I know that I'll always
love you, but faithful?
Mmm, cos I'm a very,
very sexual person
and you've got some pretty,
pretty fit friends that are quite...
Please lie.
I will be faithful
to you always.
[Man] Which all sounds
great, of course it does,
but what does it look like?
Well, I give you the first copy
of pop-up cheeses.
If you just pass that
down the end there.
If you turn to page five,
you'll see chapter
one, emmental.
And we've got edam,
Swiss cheese, gruyère,
cheddar, camembert,
monterey Jack, the list goes on.
Is this the most significant pop-up
cheese book on the market...
Can I just interrupt you
there for a minute, Darren.
Shoot.
You've made a pop-up
book on cheeses.
Yes, I have, but
not just any pop-up...
I asked you to prepare a dossier on
Taiwanese production costs, remember?
We all wanted to know
how much it would cost
to switch our hardware
over to the new system.
Right. Right.
I'll tell you what's happened,
is that I've got entirely
the wrong end of the stick
and I've designed a
book of pop-up cheeses.
Right.
Right, so you don't like it?
How many copies of
the book have you made?
- 120,000.
- 120,000.
- Yeah, messed up a bit, haven't I?
- A little bit, yes, to be honest.
[Exhales]
Right, well, that was a waste
of time, wasn't it? Thank you.
Well, no.
Well, no, let's just
have a look, shall we?
- Then we'll go through...
- Thank you.
[Gunshot]
Everyone on the floor!
You better get on the floor
or I'm gonna turn your
fucking neck into a stump.
Right, I'll you how this is
gonna work so no one gets hurt.
I want to pay in these cheques
and I want to increase
my standing order by £30.
And I still want to have
enough lunch break left
to actually have a lunch, yeah?
You, do you know of any
decent sandwich shops?
Er, yeah, there's a, there's one
about four doors down on the right.
Do they do wraps?
Yeah, I think so.
I like wraps. Come on.
Look, I just... I wanted to
say I'm really sorry guys
because if I don't have
a lunch my blood sugar.
[Whistles]
There she goes she-she plummets
and I get these awful moods.
Don't look at me!
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Have a nice day.
I've had a really
fantastic night tonight.
Yeah, so have I.
I'd like to take a photo of you
because you look
so amazing tonight.
[Giggles] Ok.
What that be weird?
Oh, no, it's sweet.
Erm, like, is this ok?
Yeah, that's good.
Do you mind if you stood up
and can get your dress in as well?
Ok. [Laughs]
Ok.
That's great.
Actually, no, will you
just wait a minute.
What are you...
- Back up.
- Oh.
Step forward.
Er, ok. Let's just, er...
[Camera clicks]
Yep, that's great.
Smashing.
Cor, I could eat another
one of those, it was delicious.
Sorry, I couldn't help
but notice your janey
seems to prefer playing
with boys, doesn't she?
Yea, bit of a Tom-boy, you know.
Yeah. Aww.
Either that or ten years from
now she's gonna be the town bike.
Different boyfriend every
night. Bit of a reputation.
Then a few years later
she can't pay the rent,
the landlord comes round, "I
can pay another way," she says.
But that's it, she's
crossed the line.
Soon she's walking the
streets, strung out on smack,
jacking off old
men for a tenner.
"I need a fix. I'm hurting
man, I need to shoot up.
Eurgh. Eurgh."
[Laughs]
Or, you know, she's
gonna be fine. [Laughs]
[Snoring]
[Mouths]
- Hello.
- [Laughs]
Mmm. Hello, sexy lady.
Eurgh, no. No. Sorry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this?
You were all over me last night.
Yeah. Ok, no, I was drunk,
I was horny, you know,
who wouldn't fall for the charms
of a clown at the top of his game.
But now I just...
It's just, you know, I thought
we, er, we clicked, sweet pea.
I made you laugh, didn't I?
[Trumpet noise]
No. Please, can you go.
Ok.
[Shoes squeak]
Sorry.
You just look a
little bit ridiculous.
Any chance I might
get your number?
No.
Da-da.
Isn't she lovely?
I just don't want to leave her.
I know. I know.
Come on, you two, we'd
better be getting back.
Aww, ok.
Bye.
Ooh.
- Her hair is so soft.
- I know.
Ok, this is brilliant this, ok.
Just give me a rude name?
What like?
Er, I dunno, like, er, Ted
bollocks or something.
Er, ok. Er, Colin fuckhat.
[Laughs] Brilliant.
That's perfect.
It's amazing this,
there always is one.
Ok.
Yeah, could I have...
Yeah, it's a London number.
Colin fuckhat.
Yeah.
F-u-c-k-h-a-t.
Yeah. Pen, pen.
Ok, thanks, thanks, bye.
- Ok, now-now you call them.
- You want me to call them?
Yeah, yeah, go on,
call them, I dare you.
[Laughs]
- Right.
[Phone ringing]
- Hello?
- Hello.
- Is that Colin fuckhat?
- Speaking.
That's weird, hung up.
Oh...
That's my name, isn't it?
[Applause]
[Woman] Our final winner
this evening has, for years now,
been an inspiration
to all of us.
His theories have given us hope
that climate change
can be halted,
world hunger eliminated
and cancer cured.
And on a personal note,
his formula for bone
reconstruction recently
contributed to a treatment
that saved my husband's life.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our man of the decade,
professor Leslie burnside.
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Now,
why don't you two kiss?
Sorry, what?
Why don't you two
have a little kiss?
Mmm.
Ok.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Does anyone know
what a salamander is?
No? A salamander's
a type of lizard.
- Excuse me?
- Yes.
How dare you. You're
disgusting, you know that?
What?
Making my son a balloon penis.
- What?
- You heard.
My son asked for
a cute little animal
and you used your sick skills
to make him a balloon penis.
What are you talking about?
That-that's a giraffe.
[Scoffs] That is a penis.
That's a giraffe.
Look, there's its long neck.
Yep.
There's the two little
horn things on its head.
- Ah-huh.
- That's its tail.
Exactly.
-There's its four little giraffe legs.
-Yes.
So in what way is that
remotely like a penis?
Erm...[coughs]
It appears that I...
May have an
unusually shaped penis,
but... but that's-that's-that's
why I brought the boy here,
to teach him that it's ok
to have a penis
shaped like a giraffe.
- I wanna go home now.
- Home sounds good.
on a blind date before?
- Er, no. This is my first.
- [Laughs]
- Yeah, me too.
- Is it?
Yeah. I hope, I
hope you're, erm,
you're not disappointed cos, er,
well, I'm not.
Oh, er, this is it.
Oh, great.
Piccolo, allow me.
A perfect gentlemen, too.
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
yeah, completely
swept her off her feet.
- That's so gorgeous.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- Fancy a beer?
- Yeah, that'll be great.
Oh, er, Charlie asked us to
go over to his place on Sunday.
Cool.
Yeah, apparently, he wants
to road test a barbecue,
I dunno so I said we'd go after
we drop my mum off at the air...
[Moaning]
Oh...
I'm sorry, Lucy, I just
really like your dog.
We all get on, don't
we, the three of us.
It's not like it's a stranger.
Could you get out
of my dog, please.
Well, it's not like
we're always at it.
It's just every time
you leave the room.
Oh.
Did you have a
good time with him?
Well, we had a nice
drink and I like him
but I don't think I'm
gonna see him again.
- Oh, my god, that is gross.
- [Laughs]
Don't laugh!
Oh, god, don't be upset,
it's supposed to be lucky.
Well, how can that be lucky?
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Wow, you must be
really, really lucky.
Aww.
Hey, wassup?
Boing, boing, boing. [Chuckles]
Oi, psst, oi.
You got any cash, eh?
Come on, Cindy's up
there. You should see Cindy.
Fucking hell.
Why don't you cheer up?
It's your 18th birthday...
You're sitting out here
like an old fucking woman.
But I'm 12, uncle Jack.
No, you ain't.
Well, I was 11 last year.
And we went to
Amsterdam last year.
Well, you were meant
to take us bowling.
[Cheering in the distance]
Oi, come on.
Wh-where's your birthday money?
Where are the cards that
nan and the others got ya?
Come on, just
gimme 'em, will ya?
God, no, it's got
to be somewhere.
Alright.
I'll finish up in there, yeah?
And we'll get a bit of
weed and then home.
Hmm?
- [Horn honks]
- Fucking answer me.
Moody bollocks.
So, erm,
so tell me a bit about yourself,
you know, you, what you,
what you like,
what you don't like.
Erm, gosh, I don't know.
Oh, I'll tell you what
I really don't like.
Go on.
Practical jokes.
Hate them. Oh, eurgh.
[Both laugh]
- What you doing?
- Yeah. No, i'm...
- Awful.
- Yeah.
They are, they are. They're...
Bloody annoying.
Oh, no, I just, I was
just looking... is that...
What... what is...
Is that a starling?
- Where? No.
- The...
There's dog, there's mummy.
There's dog, there's mummy.
Who's our little champion,
eh? I think it's you.
Meow, mummy.
Would you like a
little glass of wine, eh?
Would you like a splash of vino?
No, no, silly daddy.
- No, love, it's the other way round.
- What?
Well, you do, you do
the high voice to the baby.
Oh, ok, mummy.
Because they respond better to high
pitch voices, don't they? Don't you?
Oh, right. Right. Erm.
Hey, erm, would-would
you care for a glass of wine?
Er, no, because he's a
little bit young for that.
It's me. Get it right.
Oh, silly, silly, daddy. Doing
the wrong voice again, isn't he?
Isn't he? Now, mummy,
would you like a glass of wine?
No, because you do that
voice to the baby, not to me.
- Oh, right, right, right. Right.
- Yes.
Oh, mmm.
There. There-there,
little pipkin,
I'm doing the high voice now
and you respond better to
the high voice, don't you? Haha.
Is there something
wrong with you brain?
I don't know, mummy.
Oh, hey, er, Sarah, can we
have your opinion on something?
Mmm.
Sarah, this is mr popodopolis.
Mr popodopolis,
this is doctor marsh.
Sarah, mr popodopolis is presenting
with acute pantropic transparency.
He's become invisible.
Mmm, ok. Fuck off, guys.
Erm, [laughs] I'm terribly
sorry, mr popodopolis,
doctor marsh isn't serious.
Erm, we wonder if you could
give mr popodopolis the once over,
see if you agree
with our diagnosis.
No, really, it's
really fuck off.
Hmmm.
[Popodopolis] Why
is lady doctor go?
You tell me she's best
doctor for invisible problem.
Well, yes, she-she did
major in transparency.
[Popodopolis] She
can fuck off too, innit?
She's been under a lot
of stress we-we all have.
So who would your
fantasy shag be?
Oh, that's a good question.
Erm...[clicks tongue]
Oh, it's a bit of a cliche but I would
have to say mr George Clooney.
You would waste your one
free shag on George Clooney?
Yeah, of course I
would. How about you?
Hmm, er, tricky one.
- Yeah.
- You'd forgive me?
Well, only if you
forgave me for Clooney.
Fine. Then I'm gonna say Amelia.
Er, sorry, Amelia who?
Your best mate, Amelia.
No, sorry. Er, this is meant
to be your fantasy shag.
Yeah, it bloody well is.
No, then. No. You
can't have Amelia.
So you get Clooney,
I get no one?
Well, no...
George Clooney is a massive
film star, I could never get him
we go out with Amelia all
the time. You could get Amelia.
Yeah, as if.
She's way out of my league.
Her eyes and her tits, you know,
I imagine them jiggling up
and down as we make love,
and I reach up and
ha, I can cup one.
Right.
As if that's gonna happen
to me in a million years.
Right, ok. I don't think
you understand this game.
What is not to understand?
You choose your ideal man,
I choose my ideal woman.
What, I'm not your ideal woman?
Not compared to
her, no, to be fair.
Fine, ok, then, I'm gonna
sleep with one of your friends.
I think it's gonna be Ben.
Hey, Leigh, Leigh,
Leigh, come back.
Hey.
Come on.
Do you really think Amelia
might go for someone like me?
-Oh. What, hey?
You're so tetchy.
Yes.
Jen, you making tea?
- No.
- Yeah, you are. Two sugars, please.
[Shouting orders]
Woo!
Oh, my god.
That was amazing.
That was so intense.
It was...
It was just like your
life depended on it.
[Panting]
- One more time?
- [Groans]
Yeah...
Ok.
No. Oh...
- [Doorbell rings]
- [Radio chatter]
- Hello.
- Mr, ashfield?
Mr David ashfield?
Yeah.
Would it be possible
for me to come in, sir?
Er, yeah, yeah, certainly.
Come in. Go, er, go through.
Not a problem, is there?
Perhaps it might be a good
idea if you sat down, sir.
Oh, god.
Oh, god, no.
Oh, god, it's Julia, isn't it?
No it's-it's not Julia,
sir, please stay calm.
Although I'm afraid I do
have some rather bad news.
No.
You may be spending up to £20 a month
too much on your domestic gas supply.
What?
You're not a real
police officer, are you?
No.
No, i'm-I'm not.
I'll let myself out.
[Dog barking]
[Man coughs]
You're not gonna
be angry, are ya?
Why, what have you done?
It was only 70 quid.
It's a leaf blower.
It's fine, as long as you
actually use it. It's fine.
- Sure you're not angry.
- No, I'm not angry.
[Leaf blower whirring]
What about now?
No.
What about now?
Yeah, I'm angry now. Yeah.
Yeah, thought you'd say that.
Good job I kept the receipt.
Oh, yes, mr popodopolis,
you forgot your coat.
[Mr popodopolis] Yes,
I sorry I interrupt you.
It's cold outside. I
freeze my bloody nut off.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye now.
It's just off ludlow
road, I think.
Deb was talking about it.
It's, erm, it's called,
oh, what was it called?
Lumms? It's called.
Mmm. Bigger. See, I was right.
Yeah, but it's
weird cos he's taller.
Yeah, I know, but you can't
judge a book by its cover.
[Indistinct chatter]
I don't know if you realised,
but it's been seven years
to the day since we first met.
Oh, god, it is, at
Lorraine's party.
At Lorraine's party.
[Exhales] Wow, seven years.
Seven years.
I really love you, Katrine.
Mm, I love you too.
Close your eyes.
Why?
Because I've got something
for you. Close your eyes.
Oh, is this what I think it is.
[Quiz machine jingle]
Oh, my god, Nigel!
[Exhales] Ok.
Nigel?
Nigel?
Nigel!
Mm?
Sorry.
- Hey.
- Yeah, hi.
[Chortles]
Sorry, what were
we talking about?
There you go, there's
the pennington file.
Ahh, brilliant.
Thanks again, Mark.
God, it is such a
relief to have you here.
Do you know that usually when a
girl asks a guy to stay behind after work
he gets totally the wrong idea.
He thinks it's some surreptitious
way to get the man alone and shag him.
[Scoffs] Which is
just so ridiculous.
Anyway, I'm glad
you're not like that.
I tell you what,
I'll make you a nice cup of
tea if you put the kettle on.
[Band playing jazz]
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
rules are rules.
Don't smoke near schools.
A lyric from my third album,
which still haunts me to this day.
I was having a crafty fag
behind the technology block
during my son's parents evening.
It took me 15 minutes to realise
that a butt I'd accidentally
flicked through an open window
started a Blaze that would end
up raging for most of the night.
Several children
perished that hot night,
but, fortunately,
my kids survived.
I took my kids away and
put them in a different school,
a better, private school.
But sometimes I...
I drive past that shell
of a building and feel...
Not good.
Ok.
Hello, police.
[Posh voice] Hello, I'd like to report
an attempted crime, a crime actually.
Ok. Would you be able
to give me any details?
Sure, Yah.
Basically, I work
at the race course
and I found some
old files in the office
and I realised I've come across
some very strong evidence
that some of the races will be
fixed. I got the name of two horses.
Ok, madam, can you give
me those names, please?
Yah, sure, absolutely.
The first one was
called one-one.
One-one, right, ok.
And the second one,
you wouldn't believe
it, was called two-two.
- Two-two.
- Mmm.
One-one was a race horse
but also two-two was one two.
Right, and when one-one won
one race, two-two won one, too?
- [Laughs]
- Hello, Karen.
- Hello.
- Get a job.
I don't want a job.
Oh, you're a grown woman, you
spend your days doing funny phone calls.
[Mocking] You're a grown woman, you
spend your days doing funny phone calls.
That's good. Er,
I'll see you later.
- I hope so.
- Yes.
- Ooh. Oh, god.
- What?
- Something happened.
- What?
- Your mum rang.
- Did you get a message?
I can't remember.
- Why would you remember?
- Nah.
- I'm going now.
- No.
- [Hangs up]
- Ah.
Bye!
Hello, police.
Ready when you are.
Hello, Johnson.
Hello.
Headmistress.
Hello, headmistress. I hope
you've brought your cane.
Mmm-hmm.
Sit down, Johnson.
- [Groans]
- So do you know why you're here?
Because I've been naughty.
Oh, you've been very naughty.
I saw you in the swimming
pool changing room.
You did?
Mmm. In your tight wet trunks.
Wanking off Toby
Granger from 3c.
What?
Yeah. Toby's parents have called
and this isn't the first time
that this has happened. Mmm?
Want this. Ow.
Like with Andy Myers.
You were seen touching him.
I don't think there's anything
wrong with experimentation.
With a five year old?
Yeah, yeah, that's just wrong.
So, what do you have
to say for yourself?
I...
I don't think we should
do role play anymore.
Fine.
- Fail.
- Ow.
Oh, hi, Jane, how's
the divorce going?
I'm riding a child's tricycle through
the park in my dressing gown, sue,
how'd you think it's going?
You're being very
brave, Stephanie.
Now this is mr sutherland, he's
from the one wish foundation.
Hello, Stephanie.
Now we're here because
we'd like to offer you the chance
to make one of your
dreams come here.
Is that because
I'm going to die?
It's alright, mr sutherland.
Stephanie and I have
spoken about this.
She really is being
a very brave little girl.
Well, in that case,
yes, it is Stephanie.
But we want to do everything possible
to make your last wish come true.
So how about a trip to
Disneyland or a lovely big Teddy?
I'd like you to close
down the hospital.
But why do you want us
to close down the hospital?
It's boring.
I want you to close
down the hospital
and make it into a circus.
Ok. Why do you want that?
Clowns. Acrobats.
But this is our
hospital, Stephanie,
I've worked here for
13 years, and if we,
if we close it down hundreds
of people will be out of work.
Yeah, but acrobats.
Yeah, I'm not gonna
do it, Stephanie.
[Cries]
Close down the hospital.
Close down the hospital.
Sack all the nurses.
Sack them, sack them all.
I want acrobats. Close
down the hospital.
Alright. I'll go
inform all the staff.
Will I go to heaven,
mr sutherland?
Erm, probably not
now, Stephanie.
Sorry.
- Do you love me?
- You know I do.
I will always love you.
And always be true to you.
Will you be to me?
Well, that, now that
is a tough one, isn't it?
Cos I know that I'll always
love you, but faithful?
Mmm, cos I'm a very,
very sexual person
and you've got some pretty,
pretty fit friends that are quite...
Please lie.
I will be faithful
to you always.
[Man] Which all sounds
great, of course it does,
but what does it look like?
Well, I give you the first copy
of pop-up cheeses.
If you just pass that
down the end there.
If you turn to page five,
you'll see chapter
one, emmental.
And we've got edam,
Swiss cheese, gruyère,
cheddar, camembert,
monterey Jack, the list goes on.
Is this the most significant pop-up
cheese book on the market...
Can I just interrupt you
there for a minute, Darren.
Shoot.
You've made a pop-up
book on cheeses.
Yes, I have, but
not just any pop-up...
I asked you to prepare a dossier on
Taiwanese production costs, remember?
We all wanted to know
how much it would cost
to switch our hardware
over to the new system.
Right. Right.
I'll tell you what's happened,
is that I've got entirely
the wrong end of the stick
and I've designed a
book of pop-up cheeses.
Right.
Right, so you don't like it?
How many copies of
the book have you made?
- 120,000.
- 120,000.
- Yeah, messed up a bit, haven't I?
- A little bit, yes, to be honest.
[Exhales]
Right, well, that was a waste
of time, wasn't it? Thank you.
Well, no.
Well, no, let's just
have a look, shall we?
- Then we'll go through...
- Thank you.
[Gunshot]
Everyone on the floor!
You better get on the floor
or I'm gonna turn your
fucking neck into a stump.
Right, I'll you how this is
gonna work so no one gets hurt.
I want to pay in these cheques
and I want to increase
my standing order by £30.
And I still want to have
enough lunch break left
to actually have a lunch, yeah?
You, do you know of any
decent sandwich shops?
Er, yeah, there's a, there's one
about four doors down on the right.
Do they do wraps?
Yeah, I think so.
I like wraps. Come on.
Look, I just... I wanted to
say I'm really sorry guys
because if I don't have
a lunch my blood sugar.
[Whistles]
There she goes she-she plummets
and I get these awful moods.
Don't look at me!
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Have a nice day.
I've had a really
fantastic night tonight.
Yeah, so have I.
I'd like to take a photo of you
because you look
so amazing tonight.
[Giggles] Ok.
What that be weird?
Oh, no, it's sweet.
Erm, like, is this ok?
Yeah, that's good.
Do you mind if you stood up
and can get your dress in as well?
Ok. [Laughs]
Ok.
That's great.
Actually, no, will you
just wait a minute.
What are you...
- Back up.
- Oh.
Step forward.
Er, ok. Let's just, er...
[Camera clicks]
Yep, that's great.
Smashing.
Cor, I could eat another
one of those, it was delicious.
Sorry, I couldn't help
but notice your janey
seems to prefer playing
with boys, doesn't she?
Yea, bit of a Tom-boy, you know.
Yeah. Aww.
Either that or ten years from
now she's gonna be the town bike.
Different boyfriend every
night. Bit of a reputation.
Then a few years later
she can't pay the rent,
the landlord comes round, "I
can pay another way," she says.
But that's it, she's
crossed the line.
Soon she's walking the
streets, strung out on smack,
jacking off old
men for a tenner.
"I need a fix. I'm hurting
man, I need to shoot up.
Eurgh. Eurgh."
[Laughs]
Or, you know, she's
gonna be fine. [Laughs]
[Snoring]
[Mouths]
- Hello.
- [Laughs]
Mmm. Hello, sexy lady.
Eurgh, no. No. Sorry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this?
You were all over me last night.
Yeah. Ok, no, I was drunk,
I was horny, you know,
who wouldn't fall for the charms
of a clown at the top of his game.
But now I just...
It's just, you know, I thought
we, er, we clicked, sweet pea.
I made you laugh, didn't I?
[Trumpet noise]
No. Please, can you go.
Ok.
[Shoes squeak]
Sorry.
You just look a
little bit ridiculous.
Any chance I might
get your number?
No.
Da-da.
Isn't she lovely?
I just don't want to leave her.
I know. I know.
Come on, you two, we'd
better be getting back.
Aww, ok.
Bye.
Ooh.
- Her hair is so soft.
- I know.
Ok, this is brilliant this, ok.
Just give me a rude name?
What like?
Er, I dunno, like, er, Ted
bollocks or something.
Er, ok. Er, Colin fuckhat.
[Laughs] Brilliant.
That's perfect.
It's amazing this,
there always is one.
Ok.
Yeah, could I have...
Yeah, it's a London number.
Colin fuckhat.
Yeah.
F-u-c-k-h-a-t.
Yeah. Pen, pen.
Ok, thanks, thanks, bye.
- Ok, now-now you call them.
- You want me to call them?
Yeah, yeah, go on,
call them, I dare you.
[Laughs]
- Right.
[Phone ringing]
- Hello?
- Hello.
- Is that Colin fuckhat?
- Speaking.
That's weird, hung up.
Oh...
That's my name, isn't it?
[Applause]
[Woman] Our final winner
this evening has, for years now,
been an inspiration
to all of us.
His theories have given us hope
that climate change
can be halted,
world hunger eliminated
and cancer cured.
And on a personal note,
his formula for bone
reconstruction recently
contributed to a treatment
that saved my husband's life.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our man of the decade,
professor Leslie burnside.
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Now,
why don't you two kiss?
Sorry, what?
Why don't you two
have a little kiss?
Mmm.
Ok.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Does anyone know
what a salamander is?
No? A salamander's
a type of lizard.
- Excuse me?
- Yes.
How dare you. You're
disgusting, you know that?
What?
Making my son a balloon penis.
- What?
- You heard.
My son asked for
a cute little animal
and you used your sick skills
to make him a balloon penis.
What are you talking about?
That-that's a giraffe.
[Scoffs] That is a penis.
That's a giraffe.
Look, there's its long neck.
Yep.
There's the two little
horn things on its head.
- Ah-huh.
- That's its tail.
Exactly.
-There's its four little giraffe legs.
-Yes.
So in what way is that
remotely like a penis?
Erm...[coughs]
It appears that I...
May have an
unusually shaped penis,
but... but that's-that's-that's
why I brought the boy here,
to teach him that it's ok
to have a penis
shaped like a giraffe.
- I wanna go home now.
- Home sounds good.