Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
- [Man] ...Holding the baby.
- He was.
Quite literally, yeah.
No, no, no, come on,
we're gonna get this.
- No, no.
- We're gonna get this.
- You paid last time.
- No.
- Seriously, we're gonna get this.
- It is our treat.
Exactly, honestly, we promise.
You both paid last
time, it's our go.
You guys always
pay, please let us pay.
[Both] No.
- We insist.
- Come on.
No. Put your credit
card away. Come on.
- Come on.
- We're just...
Let us fucking pay!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Let us pay or it's
bye-bye Rachel.
What you doing, Mike?
Oh, Mike, put the gun down.
No, Mary! They're always paying.
Why can't we pay
just for fucking once.
Trying to make Mike look
weak in front of his wife.
- Is that what this is about? Is it?
- No.
Well, is this weak? Is it?!
This gun in her face.
Me, shooting your
wife in the face
cos you won't let
me pay. Is that weak?
[Crying]
Fine, you can pay.
You're insane. What you doing?
[Both whimpering]
Actually, we didn't,
we didn't have a starter
and they did have a starter.
Maybe you could get
the tip or something...
- You get the tip.
- Yeah.
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
- Mark, you don't have to do this.
- I think I do.
Seriously, if you say you're
a ninja, that'll do it for me.
Right, so why'd you laugh?
I thought you were joking.
Ninjas don't joke.
Now hold that up higher.
Brace yourself.
- Aye! Aye!
- [Gasps]
That's amazing.
Ow.
Is that meant to happen?
No, it's not.
Should I call an ambulance?
- Well, I can't do it, can I?
- Ok.
Can you hold these
for me? [Laughs] Sorry.
Well, hello, emergency services.
So, where's the fire?
It's right here, in my balls.
Oh, how did it start?
Well, I thought of
you and suddenly,
woof, my pants were alight.
Ah, it's an inferno in there.
Maybe you should
try and cool down.
Well, maybe you should
whip out my fat hose.
Oh, no. Why isn't the
smoke alarm flashing?
Who knows?
Well, I mean, it's just
that it should be flashing.
Bang, bang, every three seconds.
Maybe the batteries are dead.
[Groans] This isn't a fire door, is it?
Cos it should have been shut behind me.
I guess you can
call me dangerous.
Do you find danger a turn on?
Ok.
Ooh, let me tell you a little
story about Rupert the rabbit.
Is r-Rupert a-a Randy rabbit?
No, he's an irresponsible rabbit who
didn't take proper care of his hutch.
So one night Rupert went to bed.
With Rebecca rabbit?
No, it's a one
rabbit hutch. Shh.
- So...
- Does...
Rupert get laid at any
point during this story?
No, he burns to death.
Jenny, i-i...
I don't think we should
do role play anymore.
Ok.
Daddy, why is the sky blue?
Well, it's all down to a
physical phenomenon
called rayleigh scattering.
Of all the colours
in the spectrum,
the colour blue is the most
easily absorbed of all the colours.
Thus, Kevin, the sky
appears to be blue.
Daddy, where does
the sun go at night?
The sun doesn't
go anywhere, Kevin.
Like all the planets
in our solar system
the earth is in an elliptical
orbit around the sun,
but the earth spins on
its own rotational axis,
completing one revolution
every 23 hours and 56 minutes,
which is why, Kevin, every
four years we have a leap year.
Daddy,
why did mummy leave?
[Radio plays]
[Man] With that in mind,
I've had our entire
research department
working on
interspecies breeding.
Ladies and gentlemen, and
I think you're gonna like this,
I give you the shunky.
The first half-shark,
half-monkey.
And I think you'll agree with me
when I say the possibilities from here on
are endless.
What does this shunky
have to do with projected profit
margins for the next fiscal year?
Absolutely nothing.
Next question.
Well, no, it's
just that I'm here
for a presentation on
projected profit margins.
Good for you. Not
what I was asked to do.
- [Woman] Yes, it is.
- What?
Well, we were all hoping for
a bit more on profit margins.
But I'm sure we've all
really enjoyed your theory.
Well, it's not a theory, is it,
cos I've had the scientists
work on it for a while.
- Scientists?
- Yes. Hired them about a year ago.
Darren, how much of the company's
money have you spent on this shonky?
Shunky. It's pronounced shunky.
Shunky.
Er, about...
- Pardon?
- About four million.
It's literally never
been done before.
Right, ladies and gentlemen...
Right, so I can take it you
don't, you don't like the shunkys?
No.
Great. Well, I've
got a question.
What am I supposed to do, right?
I have got a warehouse
full of 20,000 of them
and they are going mental.
-20,000 -yes.
Right, I suppose
that's my fault, is it?
Look, Andrew,
it's not you, it's...
Er, we've both changed, no.
Erm...
I really think we...
-Hey. Hey, erm... Hey.
Listen, I really need to
talk to you about something.
Oh, good cos so do I.
Really? Great. Ok.
Yeah, but you go first.
No, it's fine, I think
you should go first.
No, it's fine. You.
- No, I want you to try and go first.
- Ok. Fine, fine.
Well, er, do it together.
Great, ok. Erm...
- Er, on the count of three then.
- Fine.
Ok. One, two, three.
- I've won the lottery.
- I want to break up with you.
- What did you say?
- I love you.
No, whoa, wait a minute.
What-what did you say?
- Nothing.
- You did. You said, er,
you said I want to
break up with you.
No. [Nervous laugh]
What I said was, listen,
er, I want to make
some stuff... With you...
Out of money. [Laughs]
Good times.
How much?
Oh, shit.
Alright, where have
you been all night?
You got a little... Little
cuddle for your brother?
No.
Oh.
We were...
D'you want to take
your glasses off?
We were playing
frisbee in the park
and he fell through
a window into a club.
Into a club? What? Sorry, why-why you
taking him to a club? He's 12 years old.
Right, listen, we...
We definitely didn't
do any e's, right?
- What?
- I love you mum.
Stay there. What?
Have you got a cuddle
for your, for your brother?
No. You get in, take
all that rubbish off.
Not you. Stay there.
Oi, you got £100 I could borrow?
Fuck, fuck.
Er, walk, don't run,
thank you, gentlemen.
This is the lower
school assembly hall.
We're an inclusive community.
That's very much the
keystone of our ethos.
You know, I tell the children
I'm always at the end of the
phone if you need anything,
- any help, then I'm very happy to...
- [Phone ringing]
I'm sorry, will you excuse me.
That's one of them now, actually.
Hello, Daniel?
Right.
Ok, right.
Well, break his legs.
Yeah, get him across
the bridge of the nose first,
that'll blind him temporarily
then break his legs.
Yeah, no, no, don't
bother with that.
You've got to get in there first,
yeah, break his fucking legs.
Yeah.
And listen, don't forget
that essay tomorrow, yeah?
Yeah, later.
Sorry about that.
Erm, if you'd like to follow me
through here, I'll show you the library.
Sean, have you got
Maria's leaving card?
Yes, yes. Erm.
Never think what to write
in these things, can you?
Well, just sign your name
and put a couple of kisses.
No, hang on.
Ah, ok.
Mmm-hmm.
[Laughs]
- Smashing. Thank you.
- Ta.
Sean, what's this?
Ah, kisses.
You've written,
'fuck off hairy.'
yeah, I have.
Have you met Maria?
No, I haven't. Who's Maria?
- Maria's who's leaving.
- Ooh.
Is she a bit hairy? I
don't want to sound rude.
No, she's not, she's very nice.
She organised that ten-pin
bowling thing last year.
Why have you written this?
Well, er, it's just meant
to sound a bit chummy,
like we're old mate, you know.
What did you want
me to put, good luck?
Well, yeah, that might have
been a little bit more appropriate.
It is so nothing. Good luck.
Good luck. Good luck. Good luck.
Fuck off, hairy.
You know, which one stands out?
Who looks like her
best mate, tell me that?
Well, I'd say Greg
sounds like her best mate.
'Miss you loads, mine's
a double frappacino.'
oh, look, Lucy,
'love you to bits,
darling, mwah, mwah.'
but not you, Sean,
because you've written,
'fuck off hairy.'
you're, er...
You're making it
sound very aggressive.
It is, and it's the biggest
message on the card.
- Fine. I'll change it.
- Thank you.
- What is her name?
- Maria.
Ok, erm,
ma-ri-a.
-There. Now it looks like I can't spell.
-You can't.
[Band playing jazz]
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, when
you find out that the kid you raised
for the past five years as your
own, is not actually your kid at all,
what choice do you have
but to make that child's
life as miserable as possible.
Of course, if your biggest hit
is a song that you
wrote when that...
Bastard son was born,
because that's basically, that's
what he is, he's a total bastard.
And, anyway, erm,
this next song's
called, 'little Frankie.'
[applause]
Yeah, yeah, whoop-De-doo, yeah.
I sing it because
you guys request it,
but if you look closely,
you'll see my eyes are
dead when I sing the words
and I feel no emotion
at all. Only betrayal.
Here we go.
Women like vulnerable men.
See that woman over there,
go over and talk to her.
Make her feel like you need
a woman to take care of you.
I guarantee she'll love it.
Really?
Bring out the
mothering instinct.
Yeah. Yeah, alright.
Go on.
Hi, I'm Sam.
- Too vulnerable?
- Too vulnerable.
Hello.
Hey, er, I'm sorry,
do you own a small tabby cat?
Yeah, well, my flatmate does.
I'm really sorry but
I just ran him over.
Yes!
Oh, high five!
Thank you. Oh,
that's brilliant. Bye.
Karen, I've got
some really bad news.
[Chanting] Dads have rights.
This is sexual discrimination.
My kids deserve
to have a father.
[Chanting] Dads have rights.
- [Chanting] Dads have rights.
- Hang on, sorry...
Is this... Is this so
we-we get to see our kids
or so we-we don't
get to see our kids?
It's so we do get
to see our kids.
What?
Fuck that.
Dads have rights.
We've got rights.
Can I borrow that blusher?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Ta.
I don't mind face front on,
but I can't stand my profile.
Oh, come on, don't
be silly, you look lovely.
Well, I can't really see it but
I think I've got a double chin,
what'd you think?
Er, oh, erm,
no you can hardly...
You can hardly notice it, erm.
I don't...
Just put a bit more...
Lipstick on maybe?
I'm just gonna borrow this.
I'm gonna go out and pull.
It's not been easy
since Jane moved out.
It's things like that cat.
I mean, she was the one
that always used to look after it.
Still, I'm coping.
Here are, Napoleon.
There you go.
Yes. Cup of tea?
Car 12, you made
church grove pick up yet?
[Man crying on radio]
Car 12 pick up at church grove?
[Man crying] No.
12?
[Crying] No, I haven't
made the pick up yet.
Alright, where are you, 12?
I don't know!
Alright. Are you a
little bit lost again, 12?
[Man crying]
Alright, there's a box of
tissues under your seat.
[Man crying]
It's alright. Get a tissue, pop it
under your nose and blow for me.
[Man blows nose]
That better?
Yeah.
Right, now look out the window.
Are there any signs around?
No.
There's a man and a lady.
Alright then, stop the car and ask
the man and lady where you are.
But I'm not allowed
to talk to strangers.
Well, if you wanna
make the pick-up,
you're gonna have to
ask the man and the lady.
I don't wanna make the pick-up!
I don't wanna go
in the car no more.
I don't wanna go in the car.
I wanna go home!
12, you're gonna be in a lot of
trouble when car four gets back
and I tell him
you've been naughty.
Right, now is there
anything you recognise?
There's a big sweet shop.
And trees.
Right, good. You're
on east street.
You wanna take the first
left past the playground
and then you're on
church grove. Right, now,
I want you to radio me when
you've made that pick-up, alright?
- Ok.
- Good boy, that's it.
I need a wee.
Oh, god.
I'm doing a wee.
[Sighs] Alright, well, come back
and aunty Carol will change you.
I'm doing a poo as well.
No, see, I can't do that.
It smells. [Cries]
It's massive.
Wow. That was delicious.
I know, I know.
You don't mind if I...
Oh, no, god, please.
Please go right ahead.
I didn't wanna say anything
but your breath stinks.
It's like all your teeth
have done a shit.
You-you go right ahead,
please, please, spray.
Oh...
It's just that it was really
for my contact lenses.
[Chuckles]
[Gags]
Hello, police.
[Deep voice] Hello, there's a lady
here, man, and she needs some help.
Right, ok, could you find out the
lady's name for me, please, sir?
No, I can't she's unconscious.
But I've seen her around.
She works in the beach I think.
- She works on the beach?
- Yeah, er, she sells sea shells.
Right, and that's
on the beach, is it?
Well, to be honest
with you, little lady,
directly it is on the seashore.
Sorry, I didn't hear
that, what did you say?
On the seashore.
Ok. So this woman in question
she sells seashells on the...
Karen! Stop it!
- [Laughs]
Come home and get drunk with
me. I've opened a bottle of wine.
Very clever, well done.
But I'm at work and it's
two o'clock in the afternoon
so I'm just gonna see you later.
I think you should
come back now...
- Oh, ok, then.
- Because you can pull a sickie
because someone could cover
you and then you could come back
and we can, like, get really drunk
and then we can go out and we can pull.
- And things.
- Right, this is genius.
- Yeah!
- Yes, I will.
I'll just... I'll go
and do that now.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, bye.
- Bye. Ahh, so exciting.
- Hello, police.
God, the cinema
seats are terrible.
My neck's just killing me.
Do you mind, erm,
if I ask for a massage?
- A massage?
- Yeah.
Yeah, ok.
Do you have any
oils or anything?
Erm, oils?
- Yes. Yes, I do.
- Great.
Thank you.
It's a bit awkward asking.
Just, well, most men, you know,
they assume that if you ask
for a massage, you want sex.
No. [Laughs] No at all.
Not at all.
I just want a massage. I ask
for a massage, that's what I want.
You know, you
understand, you're different.
Thank, god.
[Man] Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
you've heard the prosecution
argue, very persuasively
that my client
is guilty of arson.
You've heard his
alibis be discredited.
In face, you've even see him
try to set fire to this courtroom
in which we sit.
But consider this,
if you go now and
return a verdict of guilty
then I will think
that you are all
gay.
That's right.
I will think that each
and every one of you,
oh, is a gay.
I will point at
you in the street
and I will say,
"look at that gay,
look at those gays,
they're properly gay.
It's obvious."
Is that what you want,
to be a gay jury of gays?
Do you want to be gay?
Hmm?
You? Do you wanna be gay?
Is that what you want?
Maybe it is.
Maybe it is.
The defence rests, my lord.
[Laughter]
Shh, shh, shhh. My
girlfriends upstairs.
Shh. Hey, you guys sit
there. Who wants a drink?
- [All talking]
- Shh, keep it down, remember.
[Laughter]
What time is it?
Babe.
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
Well, I can hear
voices. Who's here?
There's, erm, just some
mates from the pub,
just having a late night drink,
a little nightcap,
you go to bed.
It's a string quarter, isn't it?
Erm, I don't, I
don't really know.
- Russ, I've told you a million...
- [Instruments playing]
[Moans]
Vertimento, indeed.
Fucking Mozart.
There's no way there's gonna be
room for all this stuff in the new place.
Yep, well, you've
gotta be brutal, right?
Hey, look what I've
found. I've found letters.
[Mutters]
They're... nothing,
give 'em here.
'Dear father Christmas...'
'dear...' oh, my god.
There's hundreds of them.
'Dear Santa
clause.' 'Dear Santa.'
'dear father Christmas.'
just throw them out...
Oh, my god.
[Nervous chuckle]
You're not father
Christmas, are you?
Ho-ho-ho. Ho.
Ho-ho.
Oh...
No, of course I'm
not father Christmas.
Don't you think that I would have
told you if I was father Christmas?
So why do we never...
Why do we never spend Christmas
Eve together then, Nicholas?
- Working, innit.
- What?
No, not working, just...
Out with...
Things.
You know what,
this is ridiculous.
I am not father Christmas.
You know, I hope
it's not just me
who's got-got to get rid of
half of his sentimental stuff
in this move, you know.
I hope you're gonna be just
as ruthless with your old stuff.
[Woman] After the reconstruction
of the management team,
the project ran consistently
on time and under budget.
Very good. Now it
says here on your cv
that your interests
include knife-throwing.
I haven't seen that very often.
Mmm. Huh.
Very impressive.
Hope you don't mind. [Laughs]
I took the Liberty.
Here are some knives.
Look sharp.
If you could, just for instance,
hit this apple off my head.
- What?
- Please.
Normally there's just more
precautions with knifes.
- [Laughs]
- I'm not gonna tell anyone, please.
Ok.
Give it up.
Hold on.
- Are you ready?
- Mmm.
[Groans]
Oh, god, that's...
Give it another go. Give it
another go, don't even think about it.
Just hold on. Ok, ready?
And.
- Ooh!
- Oh, crow.
Oh, my god...
- Shall I give it another go?
- No, no, it's fine.
Fine.
Shelley, can you, erm, bring
us some bandages, please.
Oh, ok.
You should know
that we will expect you
to travel a bit
in the first year.
Mmm, I'm flexible
so that's fine.
Sorry, ooh, I just want to say
that there might be
one tiny white lie on the cv.
[Scoffs] Sorry.
[Laughs] It's fine.
Everyone does it.
[Groans]
You know what I love?
What?
The taste of cock.
Mmm-hmm.
I love the way it looks,
I love the colour.
[Groans]
[Chokes]
Yeah, erm...
It's chocolate that I like.
It's not cock at all. [Laughs]
It's chocolate. [Laughs]
I don't really think I
like the taste of cock.
Oh, ok.
- But chocolate...
- Stop talk... Stop talking now.
Hello, police.
[Deep voice] Hello. Hi.
I'm in a hot air balloon and it
appears to have popped. [Laughs]
Please go away, Karen,
I'm really, really, really busy.
But it's so much fun.
Not for me, I'm dying inside.
- Listen, listen.
- What?
- You know that boy?
- Yes.
- Who you said liked me?
- Yes.
- And then he got my number?
- Yes.
Why hasn't he called me?
Because-because you're mental.
[Laughs]
Goodbye.
- Oh.
- Hello, police.
[Soul music plays]
Happy anniversary.
Oh, you remembered.
Of course I did.
Right, now, I want
you to close your eyes.
[Gasps] What have you done?
Nothing, just close your eyes.
- It's a surprise.
- Oh, god, you know I don't like surprises.
- Well, you're gonna like this one.
- Ok.
- Up the stairs.
- [Giggles]
Can I open them now?
No.
- Please.
- In a bit.
Can I open them now?
No.
- He was.
Quite literally, yeah.
No, no, no, come on,
we're gonna get this.
- No, no.
- We're gonna get this.
- You paid last time.
- No.
- Seriously, we're gonna get this.
- It is our treat.
Exactly, honestly, we promise.
You both paid last
time, it's our go.
You guys always
pay, please let us pay.
[Both] No.
- We insist.
- Come on.
No. Put your credit
card away. Come on.
- Come on.
- We're just...
Let us fucking pay!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Let us pay or it's
bye-bye Rachel.
What you doing, Mike?
Oh, Mike, put the gun down.
No, Mary! They're always paying.
Why can't we pay
just for fucking once.
Trying to make Mike look
weak in front of his wife.
- Is that what this is about? Is it?
- No.
Well, is this weak? Is it?!
This gun in her face.
Me, shooting your
wife in the face
cos you won't let
me pay. Is that weak?
[Crying]
Fine, you can pay.
You're insane. What you doing?
[Both whimpering]
Actually, we didn't,
we didn't have a starter
and they did have a starter.
Maybe you could get
the tip or something...
- You get the tip.
- Yeah.
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
- Mark, you don't have to do this.
- I think I do.
Seriously, if you say you're
a ninja, that'll do it for me.
Right, so why'd you laugh?
I thought you were joking.
Ninjas don't joke.
Now hold that up higher.
Brace yourself.
- Aye! Aye!
- [Gasps]
That's amazing.
Ow.
Is that meant to happen?
No, it's not.
Should I call an ambulance?
- Well, I can't do it, can I?
- Ok.
Can you hold these
for me? [Laughs] Sorry.
Well, hello, emergency services.
So, where's the fire?
It's right here, in my balls.
Oh, how did it start?
Well, I thought of
you and suddenly,
woof, my pants were alight.
Ah, it's an inferno in there.
Maybe you should
try and cool down.
Well, maybe you should
whip out my fat hose.
Oh, no. Why isn't the
smoke alarm flashing?
Who knows?
Well, I mean, it's just
that it should be flashing.
Bang, bang, every three seconds.
Maybe the batteries are dead.
[Groans] This isn't a fire door, is it?
Cos it should have been shut behind me.
I guess you can
call me dangerous.
Do you find danger a turn on?
Ok.
Ooh, let me tell you a little
story about Rupert the rabbit.
Is r-Rupert a-a Randy rabbit?
No, he's an irresponsible rabbit who
didn't take proper care of his hutch.
So one night Rupert went to bed.
With Rebecca rabbit?
No, it's a one
rabbit hutch. Shh.
- So...
- Does...
Rupert get laid at any
point during this story?
No, he burns to death.
Jenny, i-i...
I don't think we should
do role play anymore.
Ok.
Daddy, why is the sky blue?
Well, it's all down to a
physical phenomenon
called rayleigh scattering.
Of all the colours
in the spectrum,
the colour blue is the most
easily absorbed of all the colours.
Thus, Kevin, the sky
appears to be blue.
Daddy, where does
the sun go at night?
The sun doesn't
go anywhere, Kevin.
Like all the planets
in our solar system
the earth is in an elliptical
orbit around the sun,
but the earth spins on
its own rotational axis,
completing one revolution
every 23 hours and 56 minutes,
which is why, Kevin, every
four years we have a leap year.
Daddy,
why did mummy leave?
[Radio plays]
[Man] With that in mind,
I've had our entire
research department
working on
interspecies breeding.
Ladies and gentlemen, and
I think you're gonna like this,
I give you the shunky.
The first half-shark,
half-monkey.
And I think you'll agree with me
when I say the possibilities from here on
are endless.
What does this shunky
have to do with projected profit
margins for the next fiscal year?
Absolutely nothing.
Next question.
Well, no, it's
just that I'm here
for a presentation on
projected profit margins.
Good for you. Not
what I was asked to do.
- [Woman] Yes, it is.
- What?
Well, we were all hoping for
a bit more on profit margins.
But I'm sure we've all
really enjoyed your theory.
Well, it's not a theory, is it,
cos I've had the scientists
work on it for a while.
- Scientists?
- Yes. Hired them about a year ago.
Darren, how much of the company's
money have you spent on this shonky?
Shunky. It's pronounced shunky.
Shunky.
Er, about...
- Pardon?
- About four million.
It's literally never
been done before.
Right, ladies and gentlemen...
Right, so I can take it you
don't, you don't like the shunkys?
No.
Great. Well, I've
got a question.
What am I supposed to do, right?
I have got a warehouse
full of 20,000 of them
and they are going mental.
-20,000 -yes.
Right, I suppose
that's my fault, is it?
Look, Andrew,
it's not you, it's...
Er, we've both changed, no.
Erm...
I really think we...
-Hey. Hey, erm... Hey.
Listen, I really need to
talk to you about something.
Oh, good cos so do I.
Really? Great. Ok.
Yeah, but you go first.
No, it's fine, I think
you should go first.
No, it's fine. You.
- No, I want you to try and go first.
- Ok. Fine, fine.
Well, er, do it together.
Great, ok. Erm...
- Er, on the count of three then.
- Fine.
Ok. One, two, three.
- I've won the lottery.
- I want to break up with you.
- What did you say?
- I love you.
No, whoa, wait a minute.
What-what did you say?
- Nothing.
- You did. You said, er,
you said I want to
break up with you.
No. [Nervous laugh]
What I said was, listen,
er, I want to make
some stuff... With you...
Out of money. [Laughs]
Good times.
How much?
Oh, shit.
Alright, where have
you been all night?
You got a little... Little
cuddle for your brother?
No.
Oh.
We were...
D'you want to take
your glasses off?
We were playing
frisbee in the park
and he fell through
a window into a club.
Into a club? What? Sorry, why-why you
taking him to a club? He's 12 years old.
Right, listen, we...
We definitely didn't
do any e's, right?
- What?
- I love you mum.
Stay there. What?
Have you got a cuddle
for your, for your brother?
No. You get in, take
all that rubbish off.
Not you. Stay there.
Oi, you got £100 I could borrow?
Fuck, fuck.
Er, walk, don't run,
thank you, gentlemen.
This is the lower
school assembly hall.
We're an inclusive community.
That's very much the
keystone of our ethos.
You know, I tell the children
I'm always at the end of the
phone if you need anything,
- any help, then I'm very happy to...
- [Phone ringing]
I'm sorry, will you excuse me.
That's one of them now, actually.
Hello, Daniel?
Right.
Ok, right.
Well, break his legs.
Yeah, get him across
the bridge of the nose first,
that'll blind him temporarily
then break his legs.
Yeah, no, no, don't
bother with that.
You've got to get in there first,
yeah, break his fucking legs.
Yeah.
And listen, don't forget
that essay tomorrow, yeah?
Yeah, later.
Sorry about that.
Erm, if you'd like to follow me
through here, I'll show you the library.
Sean, have you got
Maria's leaving card?
Yes, yes. Erm.
Never think what to write
in these things, can you?
Well, just sign your name
and put a couple of kisses.
No, hang on.
Ah, ok.
Mmm-hmm.
[Laughs]
- Smashing. Thank you.
- Ta.
Sean, what's this?
Ah, kisses.
You've written,
'fuck off hairy.'
yeah, I have.
Have you met Maria?
No, I haven't. Who's Maria?
- Maria's who's leaving.
- Ooh.
Is she a bit hairy? I
don't want to sound rude.
No, she's not, she's very nice.
She organised that ten-pin
bowling thing last year.
Why have you written this?
Well, er, it's just meant
to sound a bit chummy,
like we're old mate, you know.
What did you want
me to put, good luck?
Well, yeah, that might have
been a little bit more appropriate.
It is so nothing. Good luck.
Good luck. Good luck. Good luck.
Fuck off, hairy.
You know, which one stands out?
Who looks like her
best mate, tell me that?
Well, I'd say Greg
sounds like her best mate.
'Miss you loads, mine's
a double frappacino.'
oh, look, Lucy,
'love you to bits,
darling, mwah, mwah.'
but not you, Sean,
because you've written,
'fuck off hairy.'
you're, er...
You're making it
sound very aggressive.
It is, and it's the biggest
message on the card.
- Fine. I'll change it.
- Thank you.
- What is her name?
- Maria.
Ok, erm,
ma-ri-a.
-There. Now it looks like I can't spell.
-You can't.
[Band playing jazz]
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, when
you find out that the kid you raised
for the past five years as your
own, is not actually your kid at all,
what choice do you have
but to make that child's
life as miserable as possible.
Of course, if your biggest hit
is a song that you
wrote when that...
Bastard son was born,
because that's basically, that's
what he is, he's a total bastard.
And, anyway, erm,
this next song's
called, 'little Frankie.'
[applause]
Yeah, yeah, whoop-De-doo, yeah.
I sing it because
you guys request it,
but if you look closely,
you'll see my eyes are
dead when I sing the words
and I feel no emotion
at all. Only betrayal.
Here we go.
Women like vulnerable men.
See that woman over there,
go over and talk to her.
Make her feel like you need
a woman to take care of you.
I guarantee she'll love it.
Really?
Bring out the
mothering instinct.
Yeah. Yeah, alright.
Go on.
Hi, I'm Sam.
- Too vulnerable?
- Too vulnerable.
Hello.
Hey, er, I'm sorry,
do you own a small tabby cat?
Yeah, well, my flatmate does.
I'm really sorry but
I just ran him over.
Yes!
Oh, high five!
Thank you. Oh,
that's brilliant. Bye.
Karen, I've got
some really bad news.
[Chanting] Dads have rights.
This is sexual discrimination.
My kids deserve
to have a father.
[Chanting] Dads have rights.
- [Chanting] Dads have rights.
- Hang on, sorry...
Is this... Is this so
we-we get to see our kids
or so we-we don't
get to see our kids?
It's so we do get
to see our kids.
What?
Fuck that.
Dads have rights.
We've got rights.
Can I borrow that blusher?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Ta.
I don't mind face front on,
but I can't stand my profile.
Oh, come on, don't
be silly, you look lovely.
Well, I can't really see it but
I think I've got a double chin,
what'd you think?
Er, oh, erm,
no you can hardly...
You can hardly notice it, erm.
I don't...
Just put a bit more...
Lipstick on maybe?
I'm just gonna borrow this.
I'm gonna go out and pull.
It's not been easy
since Jane moved out.
It's things like that cat.
I mean, she was the one
that always used to look after it.
Still, I'm coping.
Here are, Napoleon.
There you go.
Yes. Cup of tea?
Car 12, you made
church grove pick up yet?
[Man crying on radio]
Car 12 pick up at church grove?
[Man crying] No.
12?
[Crying] No, I haven't
made the pick up yet.
Alright, where are you, 12?
I don't know!
Alright. Are you a
little bit lost again, 12?
[Man crying]
Alright, there's a box of
tissues under your seat.
[Man crying]
It's alright. Get a tissue, pop it
under your nose and blow for me.
[Man blows nose]
That better?
Yeah.
Right, now look out the window.
Are there any signs around?
No.
There's a man and a lady.
Alright then, stop the car and ask
the man and lady where you are.
But I'm not allowed
to talk to strangers.
Well, if you wanna
make the pick-up,
you're gonna have to
ask the man and the lady.
I don't wanna make the pick-up!
I don't wanna go
in the car no more.
I don't wanna go in the car.
I wanna go home!
12, you're gonna be in a lot of
trouble when car four gets back
and I tell him
you've been naughty.
Right, now is there
anything you recognise?
There's a big sweet shop.
And trees.
Right, good. You're
on east street.
You wanna take the first
left past the playground
and then you're on
church grove. Right, now,
I want you to radio me when
you've made that pick-up, alright?
- Ok.
- Good boy, that's it.
I need a wee.
Oh, god.
I'm doing a wee.
[Sighs] Alright, well, come back
and aunty Carol will change you.
I'm doing a poo as well.
No, see, I can't do that.
It smells. [Cries]
It's massive.
Wow. That was delicious.
I know, I know.
You don't mind if I...
Oh, no, god, please.
Please go right ahead.
I didn't wanna say anything
but your breath stinks.
It's like all your teeth
have done a shit.
You-you go right ahead,
please, please, spray.
Oh...
It's just that it was really
for my contact lenses.
[Chuckles]
[Gags]
Hello, police.
[Deep voice] Hello, there's a lady
here, man, and she needs some help.
Right, ok, could you find out the
lady's name for me, please, sir?
No, I can't she's unconscious.
But I've seen her around.
She works in the beach I think.
- She works on the beach?
- Yeah, er, she sells sea shells.
Right, and that's
on the beach, is it?
Well, to be honest
with you, little lady,
directly it is on the seashore.
Sorry, I didn't hear
that, what did you say?
On the seashore.
Ok. So this woman in question
she sells seashells on the...
Karen! Stop it!
- [Laughs]
Come home and get drunk with
me. I've opened a bottle of wine.
Very clever, well done.
But I'm at work and it's
two o'clock in the afternoon
so I'm just gonna see you later.
I think you should
come back now...
- Oh, ok, then.
- Because you can pull a sickie
because someone could cover
you and then you could come back
and we can, like, get really drunk
and then we can go out and we can pull.
- And things.
- Right, this is genius.
- Yeah!
- Yes, I will.
I'll just... I'll go
and do that now.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, bye.
- Bye. Ahh, so exciting.
- Hello, police.
God, the cinema
seats are terrible.
My neck's just killing me.
Do you mind, erm,
if I ask for a massage?
- A massage?
- Yeah.
Yeah, ok.
Do you have any
oils or anything?
Erm, oils?
- Yes. Yes, I do.
- Great.
Thank you.
It's a bit awkward asking.
Just, well, most men, you know,
they assume that if you ask
for a massage, you want sex.
No. [Laughs] No at all.
Not at all.
I just want a massage. I ask
for a massage, that's what I want.
You know, you
understand, you're different.
Thank, god.
[Man] Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
you've heard the prosecution
argue, very persuasively
that my client
is guilty of arson.
You've heard his
alibis be discredited.
In face, you've even see him
try to set fire to this courtroom
in which we sit.
But consider this,
if you go now and
return a verdict of guilty
then I will think
that you are all
gay.
That's right.
I will think that each
and every one of you,
oh, is a gay.
I will point at
you in the street
and I will say,
"look at that gay,
look at those gays,
they're properly gay.
It's obvious."
Is that what you want,
to be a gay jury of gays?
Do you want to be gay?
Hmm?
You? Do you wanna be gay?
Is that what you want?
Maybe it is.
Maybe it is.
The defence rests, my lord.
[Laughter]
Shh, shh, shhh. My
girlfriends upstairs.
Shh. Hey, you guys sit
there. Who wants a drink?
- [All talking]
- Shh, keep it down, remember.
[Laughter]
What time is it?
Babe.
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
Well, I can hear
voices. Who's here?
There's, erm, just some
mates from the pub,
just having a late night drink,
a little nightcap,
you go to bed.
It's a string quarter, isn't it?
Erm, I don't, I
don't really know.
- Russ, I've told you a million...
- [Instruments playing]
[Moans]
Vertimento, indeed.
Fucking Mozart.
There's no way there's gonna be
room for all this stuff in the new place.
Yep, well, you've
gotta be brutal, right?
Hey, look what I've
found. I've found letters.
[Mutters]
They're... nothing,
give 'em here.
'Dear father Christmas...'
'dear...' oh, my god.
There's hundreds of them.
'Dear Santa
clause.' 'Dear Santa.'
'dear father Christmas.'
just throw them out...
Oh, my god.
[Nervous chuckle]
You're not father
Christmas, are you?
Ho-ho-ho. Ho.
Ho-ho.
Oh...
No, of course I'm
not father Christmas.
Don't you think that I would have
told you if I was father Christmas?
So why do we never...
Why do we never spend Christmas
Eve together then, Nicholas?
- Working, innit.
- What?
No, not working, just...
Out with...
Things.
You know what,
this is ridiculous.
I am not father Christmas.
You know, I hope
it's not just me
who's got-got to get rid of
half of his sentimental stuff
in this move, you know.
I hope you're gonna be just
as ruthless with your old stuff.
[Woman] After the reconstruction
of the management team,
the project ran consistently
on time and under budget.
Very good. Now it
says here on your cv
that your interests
include knife-throwing.
I haven't seen that very often.
Mmm. Huh.
Very impressive.
Hope you don't mind. [Laughs]
I took the Liberty.
Here are some knives.
Look sharp.
If you could, just for instance,
hit this apple off my head.
- What?
- Please.
Normally there's just more
precautions with knifes.
- [Laughs]
- I'm not gonna tell anyone, please.
Ok.
Give it up.
Hold on.
- Are you ready?
- Mmm.
[Groans]
Oh, god, that's...
Give it another go. Give it
another go, don't even think about it.
Just hold on. Ok, ready?
And.
- Ooh!
- Oh, crow.
Oh, my god...
- Shall I give it another go?
- No, no, it's fine.
Fine.
Shelley, can you, erm, bring
us some bandages, please.
Oh, ok.
You should know
that we will expect you
to travel a bit
in the first year.
Mmm, I'm flexible
so that's fine.
Sorry, ooh, I just want to say
that there might be
one tiny white lie on the cv.
[Scoffs] Sorry.
[Laughs] It's fine.
Everyone does it.
[Groans]
You know what I love?
What?
The taste of cock.
Mmm-hmm.
I love the way it looks,
I love the colour.
[Groans]
[Chokes]
Yeah, erm...
It's chocolate that I like.
It's not cock at all. [Laughs]
It's chocolate. [Laughs]
I don't really think I
like the taste of cock.
Oh, ok.
- But chocolate...
- Stop talk... Stop talking now.
Hello, police.
[Deep voice] Hello. Hi.
I'm in a hot air balloon and it
appears to have popped. [Laughs]
Please go away, Karen,
I'm really, really, really busy.
But it's so much fun.
Not for me, I'm dying inside.
- Listen, listen.
- What?
- You know that boy?
- Yes.
- Who you said liked me?
- Yes.
- And then he got my number?
- Yes.
Why hasn't he called me?
Because-because you're mental.
[Laughs]
Goodbye.
- Oh.
- Hello, police.
[Soul music plays]
Happy anniversary.
Oh, you remembered.
Of course I did.
Right, now, I want
you to close your eyes.
[Gasps] What have you done?
Nothing, just close your eyes.
- It's a surprise.
- Oh, god, you know I don't like surprises.
- Well, you're gonna like this one.
- Ok.
- Up the stairs.
- [Giggles]
Can I open them now?
No.
- Please.
- In a bit.
Can I open them now?
No.