Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
I can do it.
Oh, Pete, don't just guess.
I'm not guessing, I'm
using common sense.
If you were using common
sense, you would read the manual.
Mandy, I think I know how
to tune a TV in properly.
Oh.
All I've got to do is
turn it from av-1 to TV.
Et voilà.
- [Remote beeps]
- [TV crackles]
Ooh.
[Sighs] Hm!
I better have a look at that.
Erm, waterproofs.
Boots, gloves.
What else do I need?
Erm, sunblock and some headgear
cos it'll be cold once
we get out on the water.
Ooh, goody. That'll give me a
chance to christen my new bobble-hat.
Whoa!
[Chuckles] So
you're liking it then?
Yeah, it's cosy.
Right, you don't like it, you
think it's nasty and horrid.
Not true. I think
it's amazing that
you've-you've managed
to make a hat like...
In-in such a short
space of time.
Not many people knit
nowadays, only old people.
What?
Er, it's just the...
Sorry, it's just what?
Well, erm,
it's just a little bit...
What?
The biggest hat I've ever seen.
[Sighs]
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
Ow.
- Hi, Ian.
- Hello.
Come and look
at Freddie's outfit.
Aww.
I know. Look at George's,
look at his little ears.
Oh, look at your
little panda ears.
Oh, hilarious. Hmm.
Kind of got a bit
creative myself.
Check him out.
[Chuckles] He looks ridiculous.
That's really mean, you
know, that's taking it too far.
Yeah, you're totally
taking advantage of him.
Oh.
Fine. I'll go and
change him then.
Funny when you two did it.
When old Ian does
it, it's going too far.
Don't look at them, look at me.
Bravo zulu nine.
Bravo zulu nine receiving.
Yeah, er, just to confirm
I've a walkie-talkie over.
Roger. Er, I also
have a walkie-talkie.
Roger that. We
are the fucking boys.
Over and out.
This guy pulls up
in his mum's cortina.
We spend the most amazing
couple of weeks in France.
You're clearly a
quick thinker, Andy.
It's not often you get to meet a
superhero who drives a cortina.
Girlfriend must be
a very happy lady.
Erm, actually, i'm, er,
i'm, er, I'm single
at the moment.
You know, I mean, there
was someone, but, er...
I thought we'd be
together for... Ever.
[Crying]
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Oh, yeah, of course she would.
Look at me. Of course she would.
Is he alright?
He's so over her.
Don't-don't go away, eh?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Sorry, mate?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Limousine.
Limerick.
Like.
[Crying] Like! Yeah!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Do you like wildlife programmes?
I am filming a documentary
about the emperor penguin.
- No.
- Shh. Alright.
[Whistles]
James, can we talk?
Erm, look, I'm really sorry
but I don't think that things
are working out between us.
What'd you mean?
I don't know what
to say really, erm,
but, well, the spark's gone
and I, and I think
we should end it.
Nah, I think it's been fine.
Well, no, not really.
I really... I think that we should
look for somewhere else to live.
Nah, it's great here.
I'm-I'm being deadly serious.
I think that we should split up.
No, you don't.
I do!
Ok. It's not, it's not
you, it's me, I just...
That is rubbish. You are great.
Ok, then actually, you
know what, that is not true.
It's not me. It's you.
You sit around here all day,
playing these stupid
computer games.
I can't see the screen.
Just forget it, forget
it, cos I'm leaving.
I'll see you later, babe.
No, no, you won't see me later,
that is the whole bloody point!
Actually, why am I
leaving? It's my house.
Here, babe, did you
have a nice time?
Oh, for fuck...
Don't you
understand? It is over.
Grr. I am a monster. Rrr.
Oh, god, I could kill you!
Oh, I could kill you
first and i'm gonna.
[Laughs]
[Sighs]
[Door slams]
Mummy said we couldn't
get you back for teatime
but we showed
her, didn't we, Josh?
Yes.
So let's get this
buggy packed up
and we can take you
through to mummy
for your afternoon feed.
Where's Josh?
[Baby groaning]
Hey, can you see
my bra through this?
Er. Yeah.
Can you see my knickers
through this dress?
- Yeah.
- Ok. Let's go.
[Chuckles]
We've got to be there by eight.
It takes time for a woman
to get ready, you know.
It's alright for you lot, you just
whack on a dj and you're done.
Wow.
New shoes. New necklace.
You look quite spectacular.
Thank you, my darling.
- What about the earrings?
- Great.
Superb.
What?
Just said they
looked great, didn't i?
Yes, but you said it with
that look on your face
like you don't like my dress.
Course I like the dress.
Erm, maybe,
- maybe the earrings...
- What?
Oh, maybe they're
worth a little reconsider.
I-I don't know
much about fashion.
Erm, they-they look very classy,
er, and-and expensive.
Erm, they're just,
just a little bit...
Don't take this the wrong way.
Er, not by much, just
a little bit closer to...
To... chandeliers
than earrings.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
[Groans]
Ow.
- Do you want me to do it or not?
- Yeah. No.
Yeah.
No. Ow!
Ow!
Stop being such a
baby. Bloody hell.
I'm not being a baby but, come
on, I'm a bloke, this is wrong.
I know.
- Wax on, wax off.
- [Mystical music]
Wax on, wax off. Is that better?
Yes, it's much better,
thank you, master. Ooh.
[Deep inhale, exhale]
Wax on, wax off.
Do you want to spend the night?
Yeah.
Actually, I haven't got
enough cash to get home, so...
[Woman groaning loudly]
[Nervous chuckle]
[Woman loudly groaning]
Actually, erm,
I think, I think i'm-I'm gay.
Wife and got a
child, he's blind.
Handicapped.
Oi, oi.
I know that look.
Time for a bit of the old
hanky-panky if I'm not mistaken.
[Exclaims in disbelief] No!
No, it's not time for
a bit of hanky-panky.
In case you haven't noticed,
we haven't had any "hanky-panky"
for about five months now.
Yeah, we have.
No, we haven't because I don't
find you remotely attractive anymore.
[Whispers] Don't
be daft, come here.
Christ! Ok.
Just look, just look,
look at me. Look at me.
Hello, gorgeous.
You and I are
finished, it's over.
We are no longer.
[Chuckles] Don't muck about.
Oh, James, please.
Will you please just
listen to me, please?
I get it.
[Sigh of relief]
You do.
Yeah. I understand
what you need.
Thank god.
You need a nice little massage.
I don't want a massage!
All I want is for you...
Oh, you want something a
bit more, yeah. Oh, I knew it.
- Oh, get out!
- [Blows kiss]
Bravo zulu nine.
Bravo zulu nine
receiving, go ahead.
Yeah, bravo zulu
nine, just to reconfirm,
still got my
walkie-talkie, over.
Roger that. Er, I also
still have my walkie-talkie.
Roger, Roger.
We are still the fucking
boys. Over and out.
Sorry, darling. I might of
made a bit of a mess last night.
I was pretty pissed.
[Mumbling]
Mmm.
Christ, Suzie, I'm so sorry.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I have a tippex pen
hidden in my arse.
No, we've had that one already.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Er, er, the sport of basketball.
Lacrosse!
- No!
- Oh, table tennis.
[Gasps] Crazy golf!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Ultimate frisbee.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I have motorbike people
driving in my trousers.
No.
It's just your
label's sticking out.
Oh, thanks.
- This left, actually.
- Ok.
You've got a bit
of fluff on you.
Watch what you're doing, yeah.
You've got a cat hair on you
as well. It's completely massive.
Please stop picking at me.
I'm just saying you could have
at least made an effort, that's all.
You know you've got
newspaper print all over your face,
there, there and I think
round the other side.
It makes you look a little
bit like a street urchin.
[Exhales deeply] Just...
Park. Park here. Park up.
That concludes the practical
section of your driving examination.
Have I passed?
No.
Don't.
This is brilliant.
[Woman straining]
He's not doing
everything I want him to.
Er, well, the, erm, the
technology's quite new.
[Woman straining]
Oh, god, I am controlling him
with my mind though, right?
Yep, yeah, yeah, definitely.
[Laughs]
I got you!
- Yeah, yeah you did.
- In your face. In your face.
In your face.
Mmm.
Funny you should
mention that, actually,
cos, er, mum's been
doing our family tree,
and, er, turns out I'm
related to someone too.
Who?
No, I don't wanna say.
Like being a bit big-headed.
Is it someone big?
- Kind of.
- Go on, mate, who is it?
Oh, fine. Alright.
Turns out that I'm
related to Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ, the son of god?
Amen.
Oh, well, respect,
man, that's all I can say.
Respect. You must
be well chuffed.
Well, sorry, no, ed,
you can call me a cynic,
but I don't think that Ben
here's telling us the truth.
Whoa!
I'm sorry, Andy.
Oh, ok, so you
can walk on water.
Don't take the piss.
I'm not saying I've got
the same powers as Jesus,
I'm just saying I'm his
representative here on earth.
Right, and what I'm saying
is that that is impossible.
- Nothing's impossible.
- Well, clearly, that is.
Well...
Clearly not.
I've always felt there's a presence,
someone watching over me
and protecting me
and now I know it's my ancestor,
Jesus Christ, the son of god.
Oh, you know what, Andy,
you're a bit like Judas iscariot.
- Similar kind of vibe.
- Yeah.
Why do you lot always have to
hang around with people like us?
[Water running]
Oh, don't be such a prude.
I'm only having a
wee, for god's sake.
But...
Oh, come on.
When two people
can share a bathroom
without feeling embarrassed
or uncomfortable,
it's a sign of trust and
reaching acceptance.
Ok. But who are you?
Pamela. I live next
door, number 12. Mmm.
Would you mind leaving?
- But I haven't brushed my teeth yet.
- Now.
What colour tiles do you like?
Er, any, whatever.
No, I want to
choose this together.
Alright, alright, let me...
Green.
[Sighs]
I like the blue ones.
I just want the blue ones.
I-I want blue.
Blue. Blue. I like blue.
Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue.
Blue. Blue.
[Exhales] Yeah, yeah.
[Sniffs] Alright. Blue.
Yeah, we both
like blue, don't we?
Ok, erm, now for the
paint. What colour?
Also blue?
I got a bulb for
the outside light.
Great. Great, yeah.
Well, I'll, er...
I'll fit it when we
get back then.
I got us a couple
of steaks for dinner.
Oh, ah, great, I like steak.
That'll...
Be nice.
Oh, yes. [Chuckles]
Erm, I got my results
back from the clinic.
They say I'm
telepathic. [Chuckles]
No way! No, that's mental.
No, I'm telepathic. The
doctor told me this morning.
- You are joking?
- No, honest.
- Are you joking?
- I'm not, honest, I'm telling you...
- [Woman exclaiming]
- Ha. What.
- [Man] Eh, innit? Oooh.
- Crazy.
- [Woman laughs]
- That's, ooh. [Imitates explosion]
[Imitates explosion]
Do you, you want to...
- [Woman] ...Try it out?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Ok, ok, ok.
- [Man] Let's go, yeah.
- [Man] Oh, you go first.
- Yes, ok, erm...
[Lift dings]
[Coughs]
Oh, see you're already...
Oh...
[Both groan]
- [Both laugh]
- [Lift dings]
[Man groans]
Oh...
You're-you're both
going downstairs at...
- Work.
- Party.
Party.
Erm, we're all
wearing the same thing.
[Nervous laughter]
Er, yeah.
How could this have happened?
It's extraordinary.
- Weird, isn't it?
- [Lift dings]
[Indistinct chatter]
[Car-locking system beeps]
[Engine starting]
[Satnav] Hello, where
would you like to go today?
- Er, Leeds.
- [Interface beeping]
[Satnav] Please.
Please.
[Satnav] Go to the end
of the road and turn left,
and right and then right.
At roundabout
take the second exit.
Roundabout, there
is no roundabout.
Don't raise your voice at me.
I'm not, i'm-I'm just saying...
I can't concentrate
when you shout at me.
Don't walk away
when I'm talking to you.
Don't you dare walk away
when I'm talking to you.
Bastard.
- [Commentator on TV]
- Get out, get out, get out.
Get out, get out, get out.
Get out.
Get out.
[Both laugh]
Get out, get out, get out.
Nice ice cream, init?
Hey, you see how fat she was?
She's pregnant.
What?
She's gonna have a baby.
A what?
Is this some new thing?
[Laughs]
No.
Well, when did this start off?
A while back.
Never heard of it.
Looks pretty stupid.
[Scoffs]
Where'd you think
babies came from?
Hmm?
Babies. Where did you
think they came from?
What the fuck is a baby?
[Laughs]
[Chuckles]
You were a baby once.
We all were.
[Scoffs] What? No, I wasn't.
Yeah, you were. When
you were really small.
No, not me, mate.
Speak for yourself.
During your childhood.
Before you grew up.
Childhood?
Child...
Do I look like an idiot?
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
- [Laughs]
- Honestly.
I thought that...
Whoa! Jesus, what is that?
[Chuckling]
Did David tell you,
he's started doing yoga.
No, he didn't.
That's a bit new age
for you, isn't it, mate?
I just feeling
amazing, you know.
I feel alert, relaxed. I just
wish I'd done it years ago.
I'll get another bottle of wine.
So can you suck your own cock?
Why do you think I'm doing it?
Oh, that is so brilliant.
What?
No, I was just...
The...
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Golden eagles. No.
Er, kashmir.
Oh, erm...
Er, houses of parliament?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Umbrella.
Darling, are you listening?
Yeah.
Because-because where
you place the ball in the air
directly affects where it lands.
So you-you want
to place the ball high
and slightly to the right
and sweep through.
Ok. So,
we open the book
and we sweep through.
Sweep through.
Now do you think you're
ready to have a go on your own?
Yes.
Great. Ok.
So get yourself balanced,
there's a good girl,
and then place the ball high,
slightly to the right
and sweep through.
[Woman] And sweep through.
Ah, doesn't-doesn't
matter, sweetheart.
Try again just-just
in your own time.
- Ow!
- I think that was a bit closer.
You've got to hit it
when it's in the air.
- Can't let it bounce.
- I can't?
- No.
- Oh, sorry, it's just all a bit confusing.
You know, racket,
ball, air. [Chuckles]
No, you can do it, you
just need to concentrate.
When you're ready. Go.
15-nil! A-ha!
How can that be a point?
It wasn't even in the court
- and it's love, not nil.
- You're right, I didn't think it through.
- Stop it. You know what.
- Stop what?
- What this? Or this?
- I mean it.
Right, that's it,
I'm going home.
Oh, no wait. Wait
just one second.
Are we ready to be sensible now?
Good.
- Ow! Gah.
- Oh, sorry.
It said seven for 7:30.
We need to get a move on.
How do I look?
Ah!
Right, two hours getting ready
and all you can say is, "ah!"
Er, what I meant to say
was gorgeous and irresistible.
What'd you think of the shoes?
The shoes? Yeah.
Yeah, they're too
formal, aren't they?
- The shoes are fine. Yep.
- Honestly?
Well, the colour and
everything is great.
It's just they are,
they are giving off
quite a lot of smoke.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
Why is it when we go out
girls always notice you?
I don't know what
they see in you, man.
Have you read the manual?
There's no point.
These things are made
for home use, you know.
Even a kid could do it.
It cost over £1,000.
I do not want you breaking
that through rushing.
I think I know how to set
up a computer properly. Ok.
[Jingle plays] ♪
congratulations ♪
♪ and celebrations ♪
♪ when I tell everyone
that you're in love with me ♪
that's not working.
♪ Congratulations ♪
♪ and jubilations ♪
- ♪ I want the world... ♪
- do something!
Erm...
- [Music continues playing]
- Erm...
- I'd better have a look at that.
- What?
I'd better have a look at that.
Thank you.
Hi, there. I was wondering
if you do gift sets at all?
Oh, yeah, why?
Because I want to
get one as a present.
Oh, that's nice. Why?
Because my
friend's not very well.
Oh, that is truly... why?
No, I don't think I need to explain
myself to you, I'm the customer.
Why?
Could you tell me
about gift sets, please?
Yeah, yeah, er, why?
Could you just tell me
if you do gift sets at all?
- Why? Why?
- This is stupid.
- Can you get your manager?
- Why?
- Because I want to complain.
- Why?
Can you never say that again?
- Can you get your manager?
- Right.
You're not even ringing.
That was not even...
Hello, ange, there's someone
here that would like to see you.
[Laughter]
Hello. Can I help at all?
Indeed, you can.
I am wanting to find
out about gift sets
and your staff are behaving
like three-year-old children.
Why?
What?
Er, why?
I have to say,
you are the three most
unprofessional ladies...
No, the three of
you, including you.
And it's worse, cos you're
the manager, supposedly.
That I have ever come across.
Why?
I am not coming here
again and that's a threat.
[Laughing]
Why?
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
I can do it.
Oh, Pete, don't just guess.
I'm not guessing, I'm
using common sense.
If you were using common
sense, you would read the manual.
Mandy, I think I know how
to tune a TV in properly.
Oh.
All I've got to do is
turn it from av-1 to TV.
Et voilà.
- [Remote beeps]
- [TV crackles]
Ooh.
[Sighs] Hm!
I better have a look at that.
Erm, waterproofs.
Boots, gloves.
What else do I need?
Erm, sunblock and some headgear
cos it'll be cold once
we get out on the water.
Ooh, goody. That'll give me a
chance to christen my new bobble-hat.
Whoa!
[Chuckles] So
you're liking it then?
Yeah, it's cosy.
Right, you don't like it, you
think it's nasty and horrid.
Not true. I think
it's amazing that
you've-you've managed
to make a hat like...
In-in such a short
space of time.
Not many people knit
nowadays, only old people.
What?
Er, it's just the...
Sorry, it's just what?
Well, erm,
it's just a little bit...
What?
The biggest hat I've ever seen.
[Sighs]
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
Ow.
- Hi, Ian.
- Hello.
Come and look
at Freddie's outfit.
Aww.
I know. Look at George's,
look at his little ears.
Oh, look at your
little panda ears.
Oh, hilarious. Hmm.
Kind of got a bit
creative myself.
Check him out.
[Chuckles] He looks ridiculous.
That's really mean, you
know, that's taking it too far.
Yeah, you're totally
taking advantage of him.
Oh.
Fine. I'll go and
change him then.
Funny when you two did it.
When old Ian does
it, it's going too far.
Don't look at them, look at me.
Bravo zulu nine.
Bravo zulu nine receiving.
Yeah, er, just to confirm
I've a walkie-talkie over.
Roger. Er, I also
have a walkie-talkie.
Roger that. We
are the fucking boys.
Over and out.
This guy pulls up
in his mum's cortina.
We spend the most amazing
couple of weeks in France.
You're clearly a
quick thinker, Andy.
It's not often you get to meet a
superhero who drives a cortina.
Girlfriend must be
a very happy lady.
Erm, actually, i'm, er,
i'm, er, I'm single
at the moment.
You know, I mean, there
was someone, but, er...
I thought we'd be
together for... Ever.
[Crying]
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Oh, yeah, of course she would.
Look at me. Of course she would.
Is he alright?
He's so over her.
Don't-don't go away, eh?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Sorry, mate?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Limousine.
Limerick.
Like.
[Crying] Like! Yeah!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Do you like wildlife programmes?
I am filming a documentary
about the emperor penguin.
- No.
- Shh. Alright.
[Whistles]
James, can we talk?
Erm, look, I'm really sorry
but I don't think that things
are working out between us.
What'd you mean?
I don't know what
to say really, erm,
but, well, the spark's gone
and I, and I think
we should end it.
Nah, I think it's been fine.
Well, no, not really.
I really... I think that we should
look for somewhere else to live.
Nah, it's great here.
I'm-I'm being deadly serious.
I think that we should split up.
No, you don't.
I do!
Ok. It's not, it's not
you, it's me, I just...
That is rubbish. You are great.
Ok, then actually, you
know what, that is not true.
It's not me. It's you.
You sit around here all day,
playing these stupid
computer games.
I can't see the screen.
Just forget it, forget
it, cos I'm leaving.
I'll see you later, babe.
No, no, you won't see me later,
that is the whole bloody point!
Actually, why am I
leaving? It's my house.
Here, babe, did you
have a nice time?
Oh, for fuck...
Don't you
understand? It is over.
Grr. I am a monster. Rrr.
Oh, god, I could kill you!
Oh, I could kill you
first and i'm gonna.
[Laughs]
[Sighs]
[Door slams]
Mummy said we couldn't
get you back for teatime
but we showed
her, didn't we, Josh?
Yes.
So let's get this
buggy packed up
and we can take you
through to mummy
for your afternoon feed.
Where's Josh?
[Baby groaning]
Hey, can you see
my bra through this?
Er. Yeah.
Can you see my knickers
through this dress?
- Yeah.
- Ok. Let's go.
[Chuckles]
We've got to be there by eight.
It takes time for a woman
to get ready, you know.
It's alright for you lot, you just
whack on a dj and you're done.
Wow.
New shoes. New necklace.
You look quite spectacular.
Thank you, my darling.
- What about the earrings?
- Great.
Superb.
What?
Just said they
looked great, didn't i?
Yes, but you said it with
that look on your face
like you don't like my dress.
Course I like the dress.
Erm, maybe,
- maybe the earrings...
- What?
Oh, maybe they're
worth a little reconsider.
I-I don't know
much about fashion.
Erm, they-they look very classy,
er, and-and expensive.
Erm, they're just,
just a little bit...
Don't take this the wrong way.
Er, not by much, just
a little bit closer to...
To... chandeliers
than earrings.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
[Groans]
Ow.
- Do you want me to do it or not?
- Yeah. No.
Yeah.
No. Ow!
Ow!
Stop being such a
baby. Bloody hell.
I'm not being a baby but, come
on, I'm a bloke, this is wrong.
I know.
- Wax on, wax off.
- [Mystical music]
Wax on, wax off. Is that better?
Yes, it's much better,
thank you, master. Ooh.
[Deep inhale, exhale]
Wax on, wax off.
Do you want to spend the night?
Yeah.
Actually, I haven't got
enough cash to get home, so...
[Woman groaning loudly]
[Nervous chuckle]
[Woman loudly groaning]
Actually, erm,
I think, I think i'm-I'm gay.
Wife and got a
child, he's blind.
Handicapped.
Oi, oi.
I know that look.
Time for a bit of the old
hanky-panky if I'm not mistaken.
[Exclaims in disbelief] No!
No, it's not time for
a bit of hanky-panky.
In case you haven't noticed,
we haven't had any "hanky-panky"
for about five months now.
Yeah, we have.
No, we haven't because I don't
find you remotely attractive anymore.
[Whispers] Don't
be daft, come here.
Christ! Ok.
Just look, just look,
look at me. Look at me.
Hello, gorgeous.
You and I are
finished, it's over.
We are no longer.
[Chuckles] Don't muck about.
Oh, James, please.
Will you please just
listen to me, please?
I get it.
[Sigh of relief]
You do.
Yeah. I understand
what you need.
Thank god.
You need a nice little massage.
I don't want a massage!
All I want is for you...
Oh, you want something a
bit more, yeah. Oh, I knew it.
- Oh, get out!
- [Blows kiss]
Bravo zulu nine.
Bravo zulu nine
receiving, go ahead.
Yeah, bravo zulu
nine, just to reconfirm,
still got my
walkie-talkie, over.
Roger that. Er, I also
still have my walkie-talkie.
Roger, Roger.
We are still the fucking
boys. Over and out.
Sorry, darling. I might of
made a bit of a mess last night.
I was pretty pissed.
[Mumbling]
Mmm.
Christ, Suzie, I'm so sorry.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I have a tippex pen
hidden in my arse.
No, we've had that one already.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Er, er, the sport of basketball.
Lacrosse!
- No!
- Oh, table tennis.
[Gasps] Crazy golf!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Ultimate frisbee.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I have motorbike people
driving in my trousers.
No.
It's just your
label's sticking out.
Oh, thanks.
- This left, actually.
- Ok.
You've got a bit
of fluff on you.
Watch what you're doing, yeah.
You've got a cat hair on you
as well. It's completely massive.
Please stop picking at me.
I'm just saying you could have
at least made an effort, that's all.
You know you've got
newspaper print all over your face,
there, there and I think
round the other side.
It makes you look a little
bit like a street urchin.
[Exhales deeply] Just...
Park. Park here. Park up.
That concludes the practical
section of your driving examination.
Have I passed?
No.
Don't.
This is brilliant.
[Woman straining]
He's not doing
everything I want him to.
Er, well, the, erm, the
technology's quite new.
[Woman straining]
Oh, god, I am controlling him
with my mind though, right?
Yep, yeah, yeah, definitely.
[Laughs]
I got you!
- Yeah, yeah you did.
- In your face. In your face.
In your face.
Mmm.
Funny you should
mention that, actually,
cos, er, mum's been
doing our family tree,
and, er, turns out I'm
related to someone too.
Who?
No, I don't wanna say.
Like being a bit big-headed.
Is it someone big?
- Kind of.
- Go on, mate, who is it?
Oh, fine. Alright.
Turns out that I'm
related to Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ, the son of god?
Amen.
Oh, well, respect,
man, that's all I can say.
Respect. You must
be well chuffed.
Well, sorry, no, ed,
you can call me a cynic,
but I don't think that Ben
here's telling us the truth.
Whoa!
I'm sorry, Andy.
Oh, ok, so you
can walk on water.
Don't take the piss.
I'm not saying I've got
the same powers as Jesus,
I'm just saying I'm his
representative here on earth.
Right, and what I'm saying
is that that is impossible.
- Nothing's impossible.
- Well, clearly, that is.
Well...
Clearly not.
I've always felt there's a presence,
someone watching over me
and protecting me
and now I know it's my ancestor,
Jesus Christ, the son of god.
Oh, you know what, Andy,
you're a bit like Judas iscariot.
- Similar kind of vibe.
- Yeah.
Why do you lot always have to
hang around with people like us?
[Water running]
Oh, don't be such a prude.
I'm only having a
wee, for god's sake.
But...
Oh, come on.
When two people
can share a bathroom
without feeling embarrassed
or uncomfortable,
it's a sign of trust and
reaching acceptance.
Ok. But who are you?
Pamela. I live next
door, number 12. Mmm.
Would you mind leaving?
- But I haven't brushed my teeth yet.
- Now.
What colour tiles do you like?
Er, any, whatever.
No, I want to
choose this together.
Alright, alright, let me...
Green.
[Sighs]
I like the blue ones.
I just want the blue ones.
I-I want blue.
Blue. Blue. I like blue.
Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue.
Blue. Blue.
[Exhales] Yeah, yeah.
[Sniffs] Alright. Blue.
Yeah, we both
like blue, don't we?
Ok, erm, now for the
paint. What colour?
Also blue?
I got a bulb for
the outside light.
Great. Great, yeah.
Well, I'll, er...
I'll fit it when we
get back then.
I got us a couple
of steaks for dinner.
Oh, ah, great, I like steak.
That'll...
Be nice.
Oh, yes. [Chuckles]
Erm, I got my results
back from the clinic.
They say I'm
telepathic. [Chuckles]
No way! No, that's mental.
No, I'm telepathic. The
doctor told me this morning.
- You are joking?
- No, honest.
- Are you joking?
- I'm not, honest, I'm telling you...
- [Woman exclaiming]
- Ha. What.
- [Man] Eh, innit? Oooh.
- Crazy.
- [Woman laughs]
- That's, ooh. [Imitates explosion]
[Imitates explosion]
Do you, you want to...
- [Woman] ...Try it out?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Ok, ok, ok.
- [Man] Let's go, yeah.
- [Man] Oh, you go first.
- Yes, ok, erm...
[Lift dings]
[Coughs]
Oh, see you're already...
Oh...
[Both groan]
- [Both laugh]
- [Lift dings]
[Man groans]
Oh...
You're-you're both
going downstairs at...
- Work.
- Party.
Party.
Erm, we're all
wearing the same thing.
[Nervous laughter]
Er, yeah.
How could this have happened?
It's extraordinary.
- Weird, isn't it?
- [Lift dings]
[Indistinct chatter]
[Car-locking system beeps]
[Engine starting]
[Satnav] Hello, where
would you like to go today?
- Er, Leeds.
- [Interface beeping]
[Satnav] Please.
Please.
[Satnav] Go to the end
of the road and turn left,
and right and then right.
At roundabout
take the second exit.
Roundabout, there
is no roundabout.
Don't raise your voice at me.
I'm not, i'm-I'm just saying...
I can't concentrate
when you shout at me.
Don't walk away
when I'm talking to you.
Don't you dare walk away
when I'm talking to you.
Bastard.
- [Commentator on TV]
- Get out, get out, get out.
Get out, get out, get out.
Get out.
Get out.
[Both laugh]
Get out, get out, get out.
Nice ice cream, init?
Hey, you see how fat she was?
She's pregnant.
What?
She's gonna have a baby.
A what?
Is this some new thing?
[Laughs]
No.
Well, when did this start off?
A while back.
Never heard of it.
Looks pretty stupid.
[Scoffs]
Where'd you think
babies came from?
Hmm?
Babies. Where did you
think they came from?
What the fuck is a baby?
[Laughs]
[Chuckles]
You were a baby once.
We all were.
[Scoffs] What? No, I wasn't.
Yeah, you were. When
you were really small.
No, not me, mate.
Speak for yourself.
During your childhood.
Before you grew up.
Childhood?
Child...
Do I look like an idiot?
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
- [Laughs]
- Honestly.
I thought that...
Whoa! Jesus, what is that?
[Chuckling]
Did David tell you,
he's started doing yoga.
No, he didn't.
That's a bit new age
for you, isn't it, mate?
I just feeling
amazing, you know.
I feel alert, relaxed. I just
wish I'd done it years ago.
I'll get another bottle of wine.
So can you suck your own cock?
Why do you think I'm doing it?
Oh, that is so brilliant.
What?
No, I was just...
The...
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Golden eagles. No.
Er, kashmir.
Oh, erm...
Er, houses of parliament?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Umbrella.
Darling, are you listening?
Yeah.
Because-because where
you place the ball in the air
directly affects where it lands.
So you-you want
to place the ball high
and slightly to the right
and sweep through.
Ok. So,
we open the book
and we sweep through.
Sweep through.
Now do you think you're
ready to have a go on your own?
Yes.
Great. Ok.
So get yourself balanced,
there's a good girl,
and then place the ball high,
slightly to the right
and sweep through.
[Woman] And sweep through.
Ah, doesn't-doesn't
matter, sweetheart.
Try again just-just
in your own time.
- Ow!
- I think that was a bit closer.
You've got to hit it
when it's in the air.
- Can't let it bounce.
- I can't?
- No.
- Oh, sorry, it's just all a bit confusing.
You know, racket,
ball, air. [Chuckles]
No, you can do it, you
just need to concentrate.
When you're ready. Go.
15-nil! A-ha!
How can that be a point?
It wasn't even in the court
- and it's love, not nil.
- You're right, I didn't think it through.
- Stop it. You know what.
- Stop what?
- What this? Or this?
- I mean it.
Right, that's it,
I'm going home.
Oh, no wait. Wait
just one second.
Are we ready to be sensible now?
Good.
- Ow! Gah.
- Oh, sorry.
It said seven for 7:30.
We need to get a move on.
How do I look?
Ah!
Right, two hours getting ready
and all you can say is, "ah!"
Er, what I meant to say
was gorgeous and irresistible.
What'd you think of the shoes?
The shoes? Yeah.
Yeah, they're too
formal, aren't they?
- The shoes are fine. Yep.
- Honestly?
Well, the colour and
everything is great.
It's just they are,
they are giving off
quite a lot of smoke.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
Why is it when we go out
girls always notice you?
I don't know what
they see in you, man.
Have you read the manual?
There's no point.
These things are made
for home use, you know.
Even a kid could do it.
It cost over £1,000.
I do not want you breaking
that through rushing.
I think I know how to set
up a computer properly. Ok.
[Jingle plays] ♪
congratulations ♪
♪ and celebrations ♪
♪ when I tell everyone
that you're in love with me ♪
that's not working.
♪ Congratulations ♪
♪ and jubilations ♪
- ♪ I want the world... ♪
- do something!
Erm...
- [Music continues playing]
- Erm...
- I'd better have a look at that.
- What?
I'd better have a look at that.
Thank you.
Hi, there. I was wondering
if you do gift sets at all?
Oh, yeah, why?
Because I want to
get one as a present.
Oh, that's nice. Why?
Because my
friend's not very well.
Oh, that is truly... why?
No, I don't think I need to explain
myself to you, I'm the customer.
Why?
Could you tell me
about gift sets, please?
Yeah, yeah, er, why?
Could you just tell me
if you do gift sets at all?
- Why? Why?
- This is stupid.
- Can you get your manager?
- Why?
- Because I want to complain.
- Why?
Can you never say that again?
- Can you get your manager?
- Right.
You're not even ringing.
That was not even...
Hello, ange, there's someone
here that would like to see you.
[Laughter]
Hello. Can I help at all?
Indeed, you can.
I am wanting to find
out about gift sets
and your staff are behaving
like three-year-old children.
Why?
What?
Er, why?
I have to say,
you are the three most
unprofessional ladies...
No, the three of
you, including you.
And it's worse, cos you're
the manager, supposedly.
That I have ever come across.
Why?
I am not coming here
again and that's a threat.
[Laughing]
Why?