Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
come on. Cross it. Come on.
[Cheering]
Get in! Brilliant match.
Oh, it was
beautiful, weren't it?
Yeah, yeah, not much
of a game though, is it?
It's-it's five-nil,
what you about?
[Stuttering]
Well, it was the...
- The, erm...
- Come on, get on with it.
Well, to be honest, Dave, er, I
only come to watch the football
to keep up appearances.
I'm really thinking about
other stuff, my interests.
What, so-so not football?
I think about natural
history mainly.
Right, last night, I watched
this documentary on penguins.
Did you know that it's the male
that looks after the
egg and not the female?
It's no joke. Through winter
and blizzards and everything.
You knob head.
Hey, check it out, right.
He pretends to be
watching football
but really he's thinking
about penguins.
- You what?
- Yeah.
- Maybe he don't like football.
- What?
I mean, I don't.
Been coming here for 12 years.
Never once thought about it.
I think what famous bearded people
would look like without their beards.
- You...
- Like captain bird's eye or Jesus.
You're meant to be
watching the match.
Well, it's up to him
what he thinks about.
Do you ever wonder what it
would be like to have eight hands?
Yeah.
I think about Christmas.
[Together] Awww.
Do penguins do Christmas?
Um, they do sometimes.
[Chattering]
Can't hear the telly, guys.
Guys.
Hiya, morning. How did
your date with Nick go?
- Yeah, it was brilliant.
- Good.
Did you go out for
dinner somewhere?
Yeah, we did, we had Italian.
Then did you come back
here for some coffee?
Yes.
And then did you...
did you have sex?
Well, it's...
I meant, erm, and
then did you go...
[Moans]
[Moaning intensifies]
"Oh, my goodness,
oh, my goodness!
Oh, my sweet...
oh, god, yes, yes!
[Squeals, barks]
I like it, I like it, I
really, really like it.
[Deep voice] Permission to come
aboard? Permission granted, captain sex.
[Squealing] You're the
love train and I'm the tunnel.
Choo, choo, choo! Ahh!!
Did you hear us?
Did I hear you, yeah.
Yeah, I could hear you.
- Yeah.
- You're the love train and I'm the tunnel.
Choo, choo, choo.
Choo. [Laughs]
The only question Mark is-is why
you want to come down to London
to do a job in a very
similar salary bracket?
Er, I love London.
Er, you know,
bright lights, big city.
Right, it's just...
I'm gonna stop you there.
I need to be honest with you.
[Heavy breathing] It's
for personal reasons.
Oh, mr Portman,
I'm dreadfully sorry.
Listen, I split up
with my girlfriend.
Your girlfriend? Oh.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Yeah, no, I literally did not get
one single word of that, sorry.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
You went to galway
to tickle my ring?
No, I didn't do that.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Es... escalator.
- Enjoy?
- Yes!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Right, I'm not a gifted sumo
wrestler but I do enjoy the triple jump?
No.
I still feel a bit under the
weather, how are you feeling?
How'd you think I feel?
I've got this stupid cold,
haven't I? Thanks a lot.
Poor darling. You should
have said something,
I'd have come down
and made you some soup.
I called for you. I
said... [Whispers] "Laura.
Laura!"
But you didn't come.
So I dialled 999.
[Siren]
What?
[Siren blares]
Where is he? Quickly, love.
Ok, son, everything's
going to be fine.
I'm gonna die.
Not if we can help it.
My head's so burning.
How did this happen?
Er, he caught the cold off me.
You just don't think, do you?
I'm-I'm a bit confused,
hasn't he just got a cold?
For god's sake, woman, he's
a man, he's got a man cold.
Do not under any circumstances
move from this bed, ok?
You, take this bell.
When he rings it, I want you
to come to him and rub his head
and say, "poor little bunny."
Poor little bunny.
Ok, that's good.
Let's go. We've got a man in
canter Avenue with a hurty knee.
Er, sorry, sorry, what about me?
- What?
- I-I've got a cold, too.
[Mocking] "I've got a cold!"
Have you not heard of lemsip?
Laura,
I want some soup.
And I wanna watch cbeebies.
Ooh, have you got the mistletoe?
Yep.
Well, it's half each.
I'm not having you chasing
Sally round all evening.
I only have eyes for you.
[Laughs] You old smoothy.
Darling?
Oh, god.
What do you think?
Really festive. Very festive.
- You don't like it, do you?
- Yeah, I do. I do.
- Then what is it? Is it the dress?
- No.
Oh, it's the hair, isn't it?
The hair's great...
Probably.
Then what is it?
Well...
Maybe there's just a,
just a little bit too much...
What?
Tinsel.
[Sarcastic laugh]
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
You know I was going
to ask her to marry me.
Mate, you still can.
It was a stupid thing and
both me and Laura regret it.
You know what you did.
You're meant to be my best mate.
- I know.
- Look at me.
And you slept
with my girlfriend.
I'm so, so sorry.
Unbelievable.
You dirty little shit!
Mike, Mike, wait,
please, just listen.
No, you listen to me.
You've got a plasma TV.
Oh, yeah, I just got it.
It's awesome.
What's that, 38 inch?
42.
[Whistles]
You wanna 'alien vs
predator' on it, it is amazing.
Stick it on.
What about Laura?
She won't want to watch it.
Anyway, she's out.
Probably getting
shagged by someone else.
[Laughs] Yeah. Stick it on.
Ok.
I love you.
You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Do you know what I'd
do if I won the lottery?
I would take
all my mates to Amsterdam
for a state-of-the-art
piss-up, right?
Then I'd buy spurs
and bankrupt 'em,
then I'd turn white hart
Lane into a landfill site.
Zach, you're sobering up.
Then I'd buy an Aston Martin...
- Hmm, ok. No, no, no.
- And drive it down the street.
Finish this, ok?
Good. Good.
One more.
[Burps]
I love you.
I love your fingers.
I love your face.
- Shall we get married?
- Yes!
[Both laughing]
Damien, can you turn the
patio heater down, please?
Why? We'd have been inside
hours ago if we didn't have it.
No, it's on full blast.
It's not full blast. It's cosy.
It's too hot. Can you just
turn it down a smidge, please?
[Sighs] Ange,
I paid a lot of dosh for that
and I'm sorry but I'm
gonna get my money's worth.
Fine, have it your own way.
You normally do, anyway.
Damien.
[Fire roaring]
Oooh.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Can we at least try and find
some consonants in there, or...
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Right, I don't know, off
the top of my head, time.
- Yeah.
- Right, great. Time.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I have come in a time machine
to take you back to the future
to stop the world being
taken over by robots!
That's first class.
Ok, so let's, ha, let's
put all that together.
Let's see what you
remember, shall we?
Ok, so, so, hands
ready. There we...
That's it.
Ok.
Let's line it up,
there's a good girl.
Keep your eye on the ball.
And, ha-ha, and,
and we-we pull back.
And swing through.
No, darling, you mustn't
kick it, that's a different game.
Oh! [Laughs]
Ok, so one more time. And listen,
darling, because this is important.
Oh, hang on, hang on.
You can carry on now.
Yeah, you've got
to hit it with the club.
Sure.
Ok.
Now by club, do
you mean this stick?
Yes, but, bless
you, we call it a club.
[Laughs] A club. A club. Club.
- Club.
- Yeah, yeah.
So, so, line the ball up,
keep your eye on the ball. Good.
And pull back and...
For fuck's sake.
[Laughs]
Oh, no, I'm sorry,
I'm really sorry.
I'll do it properly this
time, I promise. I promise.
One more time.
And...
180!
Ha!
[Classical music plays]
What'd you reckon,
shirt in, shirt out?
Let me see out.
- Oh, yeah, out.
- Yeah?
- Definitely out.
- Thank you.
See you later.
- Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?
- Oh, no, please.
Ahh, thanks.
Mmm. Oh, it's a long flight.
Yeah, yeah.
- 11 hours.
- I know.
Still though, it's nice to
have someone to talk to.
Yeah.
Er, look, sorry, erm,
I'm just not sure I'm ready
for that kind of commitment.
What?
Well, me sitting here,
it's just a casual thing,
I don't want to get
too deeply involved.
Oh, oh.
Ok. [Laughs]
I mean, you sat down so I
assumed you wanted to talk, but...
You're probably a really
nice person, yeah, it's not you.
It's just, er, I'm
really not talking
to anyone at the moment, ok?
I'm just come out
of a very deep,
heavy conversation, ok? So...
Ok.
If you didn't want to talk, why
did you sit here in the first place?
I was desperate. I wanted
an aisle eat, I had no leg room.
Oh, my god.
If I'd known that I would
have never given up that seat.
Well, you gave it up
pretty easily, didn't you?
That is not fair.
I am very choosy.
I left my bag on it.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Fine!
I don't care.
Hi, erm, is anyone sat here?
Oh, I'm sorry,
er, I'm just not ready for
a rebound conversation.
Ok.
I mean, you seem
like a nice guy.
Your honour, I've just been
informed that he has been delayed,
although I am assured that
he will be here very shortly.
Unless you're able to
produce your witness,
his statement in this
court must be disregarded
- and I must proceed...
- Your honour, if I may interrupt...
Miss emmerson, I appreciate
the validity of you defence
maybe diminished by the
absence of your witness,
but at this point I
have no other alternat...
[Door opens]
[Man panting]
It's snowing!
[Cheering]
Have you got a condom?
- Don't need one.
- What?
Erm, I shoot
blanks, I'm infertile.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- What about diseases?
- No, can't get them.
- You can't get diseases?
- No.
- I'm immune.
- You're immune, how?
I was immunised by an
African medicine man.
One of the best.
What? Rea... really?
Cross my heart and hope to die.
So you're... hang on, you're immune
to all sexually transmitted diseases?
No, all diseases, full stop.
Hang on, you're not just saying all
this to get out of wearing a condom?
No.
I would prefer it
if you wore one.
When I was born a wizard
put magic on my Willy.
If I put rubber on my penis
the whole world will blow up.
That doesn't sound very likely.
- Have you seen 'lord of the rings'?
- Yeah.
It's a bit like that,
except on my cock.
I would prefer it if
you used a condom.
My balls are
connected to a satellite,
if I put a condom on
it'll muffle the signal.
We're not having
sex without a condom.
Right.
- Have you got one?
- Yeah.
Dysentery? Straw?
Prairie? Hoodlum?
- [Knocking]
- Buzzard.
Sorry, the next person
has been waiting.
Two more minutes, I'm so close.
Pterodactyl? Isotope?
Somersault? Bob Dylan?
Oh, god!
No, that's probably
made you worse. Yeah.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I am so sorry about that.
My taxi was late and...
This is for you.
Your lines are in red
and mine are in blue.
Ignore the first bit cos when
I wrote it you arrived on time.
[Laughs] Actually,
you were a little early.
Well, I said about the taxi.
Ah-ha, top of page four.
[Sighs]
Sorry, why exactly
do I need a script?
Um, it's for my perfect evening.
"You look incredible.
Have you done something
different with you hair?"
That was rubbish.
That's what it says here.
No, no, no, you know,
it's... "You look incredible!
Have you done something
different with you hair?"
Make me believe it, yeah?
Ok, when you're ready.
"You... you look incredible!
Have you done something
different to your hair?"
No, no, no, if anything,
that was worse.
I-I-I need a drink.
Sorry, I'd like a whisky and...
- Hi.
- Hi.
I was just wondering if
you could read something,
you know, just from
here to here for me.
Sure.
"You look incredible.
Have you done something
different with your hair?"
See!
Was that ok?
That was, that was perfection.
Actually, can you just skip to page 16.
Look, can we just order?
"Listen, if you're interested, I
know a great little salsa club.
It's not far from here."
"Sounds great. I'm
game if you are."
Thank you.
"Come back, you're the orange."
It's, "the only one".
"Come back, you're
the only one for me."
Oh, crickey, it's nearly three.
I said we'd be back by
two, I hope they're alright.
If there was a problem,
Mike would have called.
They're probably
snuggled up on the couch.
Aww, so sweet.
Everything... ah. Hmm.
Dah-dah!
Wha... why?
Why has that happened?
I've customised her.
Right.
Thought you'd be pleased.
No.
Come on. Come on.
What?
She'll be worth loads more now.
[Sighs]
So I got these amazing new
glasses, they're called bendym.
And the idea is that they can
be bent into any shape at all.
It's sort of like, you
know, metal with memory.
Oh, I've heard of
these. Give us a go.
They are absolutely brilliant.
You can just twist them
and they just spring back.
Yeah.
Anyway, they-they
arrive on Monday.
[Door shuts]
I'm back.
Bloody hell.
I know, I can't believe
it. I've got a tattoo.
It's quite prominent.
Yeah, I know, it's
sexier that way, isn't it?
Yeah.
And you said you
found tattoos sexy, so...
Phwoar.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I thought you'd be
slightly more enthusiastic about this.
I am... I am enthusiastic.
What, have they not
put it in the centre?
No, it's right in the centre,
maybe not politically,
and, god, you're
brave to have that done
and all because I once said,
you know, "I find
girls sexy with tattoos."
Thanks, erm...
- It's just...
- It's just what?
Well, it's just... erm...
I mean, they're done
a very... It's very clear.
- Yes.
- It's a very professional job.
But?
Er, it' just...
Just a tad...
Nazi there.
God, you can never just
say I look nice, can you?
[Electro playing]
What?
What was that all about?
She obviously likes this track.
Eh?
She's enjoying herself.
She's having a bit of
a boogie, you know.
Why?
Well, to dance. She was dancing.
Right.
When did this all start off?
A while back.
Never heard of it.
Bit shit.
This is why people
come to nightclubs,
to-to dance to music, it's fun.
Music?
What the fuck is music?
You've listened to music before.
Music?
Music...
Do I look like an idiot?
- Ooh.
- [Laughs]
Oh, brilliant,
they're all at it.
Where's your
self-respect? Idiots!
[Heart monitor beeping]
Two mils of
hydropodium sulphate.
- Here.
- [Man] Check the pulse.
Can you hear me, Sarah?
- Stay with us now, stay with us.
- [Man] Check the pulse.
- I think you're losing her.
- Stay with us, Sarah, come on now.
It's not working.
Christ, Mike, I don't
know what else we can do.
[Monitor flatlines]
There's only one
thing left we can try.
It's experimental
but it might just work.
I'm gonna cum on her tits.
Don't play god, Mike.
It's her only chance.
Ah. Clear.
Ah.
You did everything you could.
[Chuckles]
Oh, brilliant, Jenny's coming.
Jenny?
Claire is gonna
be well pissed off.
I've found someone new.
Oh, great, mate.
Yeah, she's-she's nice.
Erm, yeah, really nice.
I think something
special might be on here.
Hi, sweetheart.
Jenny, Mike. Mike, Jenny.
Oh, nice to meet you.
So how was your night out?
Brilliant. Me and Joe
got absolutely wankered.
[Retches] I puked everywhere.
"I puked everywhere." [Laughs]
Absolutely.
I'm gonna go get a pint.
Want a beer? You alright, no?
[Whistles]
[Scoffs]
So what do you think?
Have you ever heard
of beer goggles, Steve?
Not something I've ever
suffered from, mate, I'd glad to say.
So, er, what do you do, Jenny?
Fireman.
Oh, that's an
interesting job for a girl.
Not really, it's
boring as shit, mate.
I'm gonna get another
one. You alright?
The hair, you don't like the...
Girls don't have to have
long hair, you know, Mike.
I like the way
Jenny's got it, it's neat.
It's not that.
Ok, yeah, she's
not as slim as Claire.
Yeah, but I like something to hold
onto, do you know what I mean?
Depends where it is, mate.
The other day we were in this pub
and, erm, this bloke was rude to her
and she just sort of, bosh!
She just knocked him out.
It was hilarious. He
ended up in hospital.
Did he? Great. Erm,
look at her figure.
I know, what an arse.
Phwoar.
No, Jenny's a man.
What?
You know, I finally meet
someone I really like,
who-who likes me for me.
Right.
And you just can't
handle that, can you?
- That's it, yeah.
- Little bitter Mike.
Of course, hit the
nail on the head.
Come on, Jenny. Leave the drinks,
we're going. Mike's being a prick.
Oh, is he?
Is he a little prick?
You fucking... come on!
Now, now, now, darling.
We've talked about this.
Prick!
- Go get the camera.
- What?
I know that's why you got it.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ok.
And we're off. Oh,
go on there, yes.
Oh, this is amazing. So sexy.
Lcd touch panel function.
Oh, yeah.
Wow, mirror effect! Cool.
Mmm, you're kissing yourself.
Hello, Laura. [Deep
voice] Hello, Laura.
Two titties, four titties,
two titties, four titties.
One, one. No titties.
Ucb function. That
is just so horny.
Red-eye.
That's gonna be
useful at parties.
- Oh, my god.
- Yeah, I'm just...
I'll be down here.
- I've got wood.
- Real boobs.
Paint effect! This is cool, man!
[Chattering on TV]
[Laughs]
[Echoed] Interesting
job, for a girl. A girl...
[Burps]
[Echoed] Jenny's a man. A man...
[Man] Hey.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hello. Erm, I'd like to buy
some make-up for my girlfriend.
I was wondering if
you could help me
and just kind of tell
me what to get her.
Ok, right.
Er, but is it actually for you?
No, it's for my girlfriend.
Sounds like someone secretly
wants to buy make-up for themselves.
No, somebody wants to buy
a present for their girlfriend.
Is it a fake girlfriend?
He wants to buy make-up
for a fake girlfriend
so he can wear it himself. Ooh.
Look, I-I don't want...
He wants to put lipstick on his lips
and make big kissy-wissy noises,
like a girl.
I just, I just want to get
her a present, you know.
Right. Do you like
the way mascara
makes your
eyelashes go all curly?
Look, I have told you
that I do not wear make-up.
But the thing
is, is that you do.
No, I don't.
Yeah, I know. But you do.
I am not having this
conversation with you.
Oh, why, is it because you
haven't got your make-up on?
[Laughing]
Quite funny, aren't
you? You're the big joker.
Laugh at this. I'd like to
see your manager, please.
Toute suite.
Erm, ange, this is a
very angry man here.
- Hi, can I help you?
- You're the manager?
- Yes.
- Yeah, well...
- Angela.
- Angela.
I'm trying to buy
some make-up for my...
You wear make-up?
I want to buy some
make-up for my girl...
[singing] You wear
make-up. You wear make-up.
You wear make-up.
- You wear make-up.
- Good day.
You wear the make-up
on your face, on your face,
on your face, on your face.
[All singing]
Make-up on your face!
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
come on. Cross it. Come on.
[Cheering]
Get in! Brilliant match.
Oh, it was
beautiful, weren't it?
Yeah, yeah, not much
of a game though, is it?
It's-it's five-nil,
what you about?
[Stuttering]
Well, it was the...
- The, erm...
- Come on, get on with it.
Well, to be honest, Dave, er, I
only come to watch the football
to keep up appearances.
I'm really thinking about
other stuff, my interests.
What, so-so not football?
I think about natural
history mainly.
Right, last night, I watched
this documentary on penguins.
Did you know that it's the male
that looks after the
egg and not the female?
It's no joke. Through winter
and blizzards and everything.
You knob head.
Hey, check it out, right.
He pretends to be
watching football
but really he's thinking
about penguins.
- You what?
- Yeah.
- Maybe he don't like football.
- What?
I mean, I don't.
Been coming here for 12 years.
Never once thought about it.
I think what famous bearded people
would look like without their beards.
- You...
- Like captain bird's eye or Jesus.
You're meant to be
watching the match.
Well, it's up to him
what he thinks about.
Do you ever wonder what it
would be like to have eight hands?
Yeah.
I think about Christmas.
[Together] Awww.
Do penguins do Christmas?
Um, they do sometimes.
[Chattering]
Can't hear the telly, guys.
Guys.
Hiya, morning. How did
your date with Nick go?
- Yeah, it was brilliant.
- Good.
Did you go out for
dinner somewhere?
Yeah, we did, we had Italian.
Then did you come back
here for some coffee?
Yes.
And then did you...
did you have sex?
Well, it's...
I meant, erm, and
then did you go...
[Moans]
[Moaning intensifies]
"Oh, my goodness,
oh, my goodness!
Oh, my sweet...
oh, god, yes, yes!
[Squeals, barks]
I like it, I like it, I
really, really like it.
[Deep voice] Permission to come
aboard? Permission granted, captain sex.
[Squealing] You're the
love train and I'm the tunnel.
Choo, choo, choo! Ahh!!
Did you hear us?
Did I hear you, yeah.
Yeah, I could hear you.
- Yeah.
- You're the love train and I'm the tunnel.
Choo, choo, choo.
Choo. [Laughs]
The only question Mark is-is why
you want to come down to London
to do a job in a very
similar salary bracket?
Er, I love London.
Er, you know,
bright lights, big city.
Right, it's just...
I'm gonna stop you there.
I need to be honest with you.
[Heavy breathing] It's
for personal reasons.
Oh, mr Portman,
I'm dreadfully sorry.
Listen, I split up
with my girlfriend.
Your girlfriend? Oh.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Yeah, no, I literally did not get
one single word of that, sorry.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
You went to galway
to tickle my ring?
No, I didn't do that.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Es... escalator.
- Enjoy?
- Yes!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Right, I'm not a gifted sumo
wrestler but I do enjoy the triple jump?
No.
I still feel a bit under the
weather, how are you feeling?
How'd you think I feel?
I've got this stupid cold,
haven't I? Thanks a lot.
Poor darling. You should
have said something,
I'd have come down
and made you some soup.
I called for you. I
said... [Whispers] "Laura.
Laura!"
But you didn't come.
So I dialled 999.
[Siren]
What?
[Siren blares]
Where is he? Quickly, love.
Ok, son, everything's
going to be fine.
I'm gonna die.
Not if we can help it.
My head's so burning.
How did this happen?
Er, he caught the cold off me.
You just don't think, do you?
I'm-I'm a bit confused,
hasn't he just got a cold?
For god's sake, woman, he's
a man, he's got a man cold.
Do not under any circumstances
move from this bed, ok?
You, take this bell.
When he rings it, I want you
to come to him and rub his head
and say, "poor little bunny."
Poor little bunny.
Ok, that's good.
Let's go. We've got a man in
canter Avenue with a hurty knee.
Er, sorry, sorry, what about me?
- What?
- I-I've got a cold, too.
[Mocking] "I've got a cold!"
Have you not heard of lemsip?
Laura,
I want some soup.
And I wanna watch cbeebies.
Ooh, have you got the mistletoe?
Yep.
Well, it's half each.
I'm not having you chasing
Sally round all evening.
I only have eyes for you.
[Laughs] You old smoothy.
Darling?
Oh, god.
What do you think?
Really festive. Very festive.
- You don't like it, do you?
- Yeah, I do. I do.
- Then what is it? Is it the dress?
- No.
Oh, it's the hair, isn't it?
The hair's great...
Probably.
Then what is it?
Well...
Maybe there's just a,
just a little bit too much...
What?
Tinsel.
[Sarcastic laugh]
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
You know I was going
to ask her to marry me.
Mate, you still can.
It was a stupid thing and
both me and Laura regret it.
You know what you did.
You're meant to be my best mate.
- I know.
- Look at me.
And you slept
with my girlfriend.
I'm so, so sorry.
Unbelievable.
You dirty little shit!
Mike, Mike, wait,
please, just listen.
No, you listen to me.
You've got a plasma TV.
Oh, yeah, I just got it.
It's awesome.
What's that, 38 inch?
42.
[Whistles]
You wanna 'alien vs
predator' on it, it is amazing.
Stick it on.
What about Laura?
She won't want to watch it.
Anyway, she's out.
Probably getting
shagged by someone else.
[Laughs] Yeah. Stick it on.
Ok.
I love you.
You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Do you know what I'd
do if I won the lottery?
I would take
all my mates to Amsterdam
for a state-of-the-art
piss-up, right?
Then I'd buy spurs
and bankrupt 'em,
then I'd turn white hart
Lane into a landfill site.
Zach, you're sobering up.
Then I'd buy an Aston Martin...
- Hmm, ok. No, no, no.
- And drive it down the street.
Finish this, ok?
Good. Good.
One more.
[Burps]
I love you.
I love your fingers.
I love your face.
- Shall we get married?
- Yes!
[Both laughing]
Damien, can you turn the
patio heater down, please?
Why? We'd have been inside
hours ago if we didn't have it.
No, it's on full blast.
It's not full blast. It's cosy.
It's too hot. Can you just
turn it down a smidge, please?
[Sighs] Ange,
I paid a lot of dosh for that
and I'm sorry but I'm
gonna get my money's worth.
Fine, have it your own way.
You normally do, anyway.
Damien.
[Fire roaring]
Oooh.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Can we at least try and find
some consonants in there, or...
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Right, I don't know, off
the top of my head, time.
- Yeah.
- Right, great. Time.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I have come in a time machine
to take you back to the future
to stop the world being
taken over by robots!
That's first class.
Ok, so let's, ha, let's
put all that together.
Let's see what you
remember, shall we?
Ok, so, so, hands
ready. There we...
That's it.
Ok.
Let's line it up,
there's a good girl.
Keep your eye on the ball.
And, ha-ha, and,
and we-we pull back.
And swing through.
No, darling, you mustn't
kick it, that's a different game.
Oh! [Laughs]
Ok, so one more time. And listen,
darling, because this is important.
Oh, hang on, hang on.
You can carry on now.
Yeah, you've got
to hit it with the club.
Sure.
Ok.
Now by club, do
you mean this stick?
Yes, but, bless
you, we call it a club.
[Laughs] A club. A club. Club.
- Club.
- Yeah, yeah.
So, so, line the ball up,
keep your eye on the ball. Good.
And pull back and...
For fuck's sake.
[Laughs]
Oh, no, I'm sorry,
I'm really sorry.
I'll do it properly this
time, I promise. I promise.
One more time.
And...
180!
Ha!
[Classical music plays]
What'd you reckon,
shirt in, shirt out?
Let me see out.
- Oh, yeah, out.
- Yeah?
- Definitely out.
- Thank you.
See you later.
- Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?
- Oh, no, please.
Ahh, thanks.
Mmm. Oh, it's a long flight.
Yeah, yeah.
- 11 hours.
- I know.
Still though, it's nice to
have someone to talk to.
Yeah.
Er, look, sorry, erm,
I'm just not sure I'm ready
for that kind of commitment.
What?
Well, me sitting here,
it's just a casual thing,
I don't want to get
too deeply involved.
Oh, oh.
Ok. [Laughs]
I mean, you sat down so I
assumed you wanted to talk, but...
You're probably a really
nice person, yeah, it's not you.
It's just, er, I'm
really not talking
to anyone at the moment, ok?
I'm just come out
of a very deep,
heavy conversation, ok? So...
Ok.
If you didn't want to talk, why
did you sit here in the first place?
I was desperate. I wanted
an aisle eat, I had no leg room.
Oh, my god.
If I'd known that I would
have never given up that seat.
Well, you gave it up
pretty easily, didn't you?
That is not fair.
I am very choosy.
I left my bag on it.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Fine!
I don't care.
Hi, erm, is anyone sat here?
Oh, I'm sorry,
er, I'm just not ready for
a rebound conversation.
Ok.
I mean, you seem
like a nice guy.
Your honour, I've just been
informed that he has been delayed,
although I am assured that
he will be here very shortly.
Unless you're able to
produce your witness,
his statement in this
court must be disregarded
- and I must proceed...
- Your honour, if I may interrupt...
Miss emmerson, I appreciate
the validity of you defence
maybe diminished by the
absence of your witness,
but at this point I
have no other alternat...
[Door opens]
[Man panting]
It's snowing!
[Cheering]
Have you got a condom?
- Don't need one.
- What?
Erm, I shoot
blanks, I'm infertile.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- What about diseases?
- No, can't get them.
- You can't get diseases?
- No.
- I'm immune.
- You're immune, how?
I was immunised by an
African medicine man.
One of the best.
What? Rea... really?
Cross my heart and hope to die.
So you're... hang on, you're immune
to all sexually transmitted diseases?
No, all diseases, full stop.
Hang on, you're not just saying all
this to get out of wearing a condom?
No.
I would prefer it
if you wore one.
When I was born a wizard
put magic on my Willy.
If I put rubber on my penis
the whole world will blow up.
That doesn't sound very likely.
- Have you seen 'lord of the rings'?
- Yeah.
It's a bit like that,
except on my cock.
I would prefer it if
you used a condom.
My balls are
connected to a satellite,
if I put a condom on
it'll muffle the signal.
We're not having
sex without a condom.
Right.
- Have you got one?
- Yeah.
Dysentery? Straw?
Prairie? Hoodlum?
- [Knocking]
- Buzzard.
Sorry, the next person
has been waiting.
Two more minutes, I'm so close.
Pterodactyl? Isotope?
Somersault? Bob Dylan?
Oh, god!
No, that's probably
made you worse. Yeah.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I am so sorry about that.
My taxi was late and...
This is for you.
Your lines are in red
and mine are in blue.
Ignore the first bit cos when
I wrote it you arrived on time.
[Laughs] Actually,
you were a little early.
Well, I said about the taxi.
Ah-ha, top of page four.
[Sighs]
Sorry, why exactly
do I need a script?
Um, it's for my perfect evening.
"You look incredible.
Have you done something
different with you hair?"
That was rubbish.
That's what it says here.
No, no, no, you know,
it's... "You look incredible!
Have you done something
different with you hair?"
Make me believe it, yeah?
Ok, when you're ready.
"You... you look incredible!
Have you done something
different to your hair?"
No, no, no, if anything,
that was worse.
I-I-I need a drink.
Sorry, I'd like a whisky and...
- Hi.
- Hi.
I was just wondering if
you could read something,
you know, just from
here to here for me.
Sure.
"You look incredible.
Have you done something
different with your hair?"
See!
Was that ok?
That was, that was perfection.
Actually, can you just skip to page 16.
Look, can we just order?
"Listen, if you're interested, I
know a great little salsa club.
It's not far from here."
"Sounds great. I'm
game if you are."
Thank you.
"Come back, you're the orange."
It's, "the only one".
"Come back, you're
the only one for me."
Oh, crickey, it's nearly three.
I said we'd be back by
two, I hope they're alright.
If there was a problem,
Mike would have called.
They're probably
snuggled up on the couch.
Aww, so sweet.
Everything... ah. Hmm.
Dah-dah!
Wha... why?
Why has that happened?
I've customised her.
Right.
Thought you'd be pleased.
No.
Come on. Come on.
What?
She'll be worth loads more now.
[Sighs]
So I got these amazing new
glasses, they're called bendym.
And the idea is that they can
be bent into any shape at all.
It's sort of like, you
know, metal with memory.
Oh, I've heard of
these. Give us a go.
They are absolutely brilliant.
You can just twist them
and they just spring back.
Yeah.
Anyway, they-they
arrive on Monday.
[Door shuts]
I'm back.
Bloody hell.
I know, I can't believe
it. I've got a tattoo.
It's quite prominent.
Yeah, I know, it's
sexier that way, isn't it?
Yeah.
And you said you
found tattoos sexy, so...
Phwoar.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I thought you'd be
slightly more enthusiastic about this.
I am... I am enthusiastic.
What, have they not
put it in the centre?
No, it's right in the centre,
maybe not politically,
and, god, you're
brave to have that done
and all because I once said,
you know, "I find
girls sexy with tattoos."
Thanks, erm...
- It's just...
- It's just what?
Well, it's just... erm...
I mean, they're done
a very... It's very clear.
- Yes.
- It's a very professional job.
But?
Er, it' just...
Just a tad...
Nazi there.
God, you can never just
say I look nice, can you?
[Electro playing]
What?
What was that all about?
She obviously likes this track.
Eh?
She's enjoying herself.
She's having a bit of
a boogie, you know.
Why?
Well, to dance. She was dancing.
Right.
When did this all start off?
A while back.
Never heard of it.
Bit shit.
This is why people
come to nightclubs,
to-to dance to music, it's fun.
Music?
What the fuck is music?
You've listened to music before.
Music?
Music...
Do I look like an idiot?
- Ooh.
- [Laughs]
Oh, brilliant,
they're all at it.
Where's your
self-respect? Idiots!
[Heart monitor beeping]
Two mils of
hydropodium sulphate.
- Here.
- [Man] Check the pulse.
Can you hear me, Sarah?
- Stay with us now, stay with us.
- [Man] Check the pulse.
- I think you're losing her.
- Stay with us, Sarah, come on now.
It's not working.
Christ, Mike, I don't
know what else we can do.
[Monitor flatlines]
There's only one
thing left we can try.
It's experimental
but it might just work.
I'm gonna cum on her tits.
Don't play god, Mike.
It's her only chance.
Ah. Clear.
Ah.
You did everything you could.
[Chuckles]
Oh, brilliant, Jenny's coming.
Jenny?
Claire is gonna
be well pissed off.
I've found someone new.
Oh, great, mate.
Yeah, she's-she's nice.
Erm, yeah, really nice.
I think something
special might be on here.
Hi, sweetheart.
Jenny, Mike. Mike, Jenny.
Oh, nice to meet you.
So how was your night out?
Brilliant. Me and Joe
got absolutely wankered.
[Retches] I puked everywhere.
"I puked everywhere." [Laughs]
Absolutely.
I'm gonna go get a pint.
Want a beer? You alright, no?
[Whistles]
[Scoffs]
So what do you think?
Have you ever heard
of beer goggles, Steve?
Not something I've ever
suffered from, mate, I'd glad to say.
So, er, what do you do, Jenny?
Fireman.
Oh, that's an
interesting job for a girl.
Not really, it's
boring as shit, mate.
I'm gonna get another
one. You alright?
The hair, you don't like the...
Girls don't have to have
long hair, you know, Mike.
I like the way
Jenny's got it, it's neat.
It's not that.
Ok, yeah, she's
not as slim as Claire.
Yeah, but I like something to hold
onto, do you know what I mean?
Depends where it is, mate.
The other day we were in this pub
and, erm, this bloke was rude to her
and she just sort of, bosh!
She just knocked him out.
It was hilarious. He
ended up in hospital.
Did he? Great. Erm,
look at her figure.
I know, what an arse.
Phwoar.
No, Jenny's a man.
What?
You know, I finally meet
someone I really like,
who-who likes me for me.
Right.
And you just can't
handle that, can you?
- That's it, yeah.
- Little bitter Mike.
Of course, hit the
nail on the head.
Come on, Jenny. Leave the drinks,
we're going. Mike's being a prick.
Oh, is he?
Is he a little prick?
You fucking... come on!
Now, now, now, darling.
We've talked about this.
Prick!
- Go get the camera.
- What?
I know that's why you got it.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ok.
And we're off. Oh,
go on there, yes.
Oh, this is amazing. So sexy.
Lcd touch panel function.
Oh, yeah.
Wow, mirror effect! Cool.
Mmm, you're kissing yourself.
Hello, Laura. [Deep
voice] Hello, Laura.
Two titties, four titties,
two titties, four titties.
One, one. No titties.
Ucb function. That
is just so horny.
Red-eye.
That's gonna be
useful at parties.
- Oh, my god.
- Yeah, I'm just...
I'll be down here.
- I've got wood.
- Real boobs.
Paint effect! This is cool, man!
[Chattering on TV]
[Laughs]
[Echoed] Interesting
job, for a girl. A girl...
[Burps]
[Echoed] Jenny's a man. A man...
[Man] Hey.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hello. Erm, I'd like to buy
some make-up for my girlfriend.
I was wondering if
you could help me
and just kind of tell
me what to get her.
Ok, right.
Er, but is it actually for you?
No, it's for my girlfriend.
Sounds like someone secretly
wants to buy make-up for themselves.
No, somebody wants to buy
a present for their girlfriend.
Is it a fake girlfriend?
He wants to buy make-up
for a fake girlfriend
so he can wear it himself. Ooh.
Look, I-I don't want...
He wants to put lipstick on his lips
and make big kissy-wissy noises,
like a girl.
I just, I just want to get
her a present, you know.
Right. Do you like
the way mascara
makes your
eyelashes go all curly?
Look, I have told you
that I do not wear make-up.
But the thing
is, is that you do.
No, I don't.
Yeah, I know. But you do.
I am not having this
conversation with you.
Oh, why, is it because you
haven't got your make-up on?
[Laughing]
Quite funny, aren't
you? You're the big joker.
Laugh at this. I'd like to
see your manager, please.
Toute suite.
Erm, ange, this is a
very angry man here.
- Hi, can I help you?
- You're the manager?
- Yes.
- Yeah, well...
- Angela.
- Angela.
I'm trying to buy
some make-up for my...
You wear make-up?
I want to buy some
make-up for my girl...
[singing] You wear
make-up. You wear make-up.
You wear make-up.
- You wear make-up.
- Good day.
You wear the make-up
on your face, on your face,
on your face, on your face.
[All singing]
Make-up on your face!