Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
- excuse me. Hi.
- Hi.
How much are these?
Er, they're 13.90 each.
Ok, could we have, er...
- Nine or ten.
- Yeah, nine or ten, same as that, please.
No problem. What's the occasion?
We're getting married.
Oh, congratulations,
you should have said.
These are our wedding flowers.
Oh, they're lovely.
They're 46.70,
not including vat.
Er, but they're... They're
the same, aren't they?
No. Erm, these
are wedding flowers.
Yeah, but they're
exactly the same flowers.
[Chuckles] No.
Ok, let me explain.
These are normal
flowers, just normal.
These are wedding
flowers, like, yeah!
Oh, I see, so you just put
the word "wedding" in front
and charge four
times more, is that it?
[Chuckles]
No, it's just, it's just
they're wedding flowers.
So what do you do
to justify the price?
Do they, er, do
they er, I dunno,
do they, do they play the organ
in church as well of something?
Erm, no. Erm, flowers
can't play the organ, so...
Er, I'll have these
instead then.
I mean, you can't, cos I know
they're for a wedding now.
They're exactly
the same flowers.
- I want wedding flowers!
- Fine.
We'll have wedding flowers.
Honestly, it is like
your special day.
- What?
- I know.
Oi, oi, you muppet.
Oh, big night last night?
Massive. Seriously think I
might be approaching death.
Little liquid lunch, you'll be back in
the land of the living in no time, John.
I can't remember how
I got home or anything.
Harry's in late, have
you noticed that, eh?
He's usually here by now.
Yeah, usually.
Hey, beat, mate,
have you seen Harry?
- What's that, mate?
- Harry, have you seen him this morning?
Don't you remember?
Er, I remember he
was slaughtered.
- Like we all were.
- Wheey.
Yeah, well, Harry was slightly more
slaughtered than the rest of us, eh?
Ah, don't understand.
Well, we ate him, didn't we?
[Laughs] You what?
We ate him, you muppet.
Oh, you muppet.
Wasn't easy, he
was a big man, Harry.
- Don't remember this.
- Well, you wouldn't would ya?
You were more hammered
than the rest of us, eh?
It's true. He bet you you couldn't
eat Harry's head. You did it.
I ate his head?
Yeah.
Hey. No one in the
office knows, do they?
Good night last night, John?
Oh, I don't believe
that. That is... oh, god.
First week on a new job and I
end up eating my supervisor.
That's... oh.
Hey, hey, hey, you ate
a man, we've all done it.
What goes on tour, eh?
That's my phone. Er, few
beers again tonight boys, yeah?
- Ho-ho!
- Go on then.
See ya down there.
Oh, wow, you've got
so much equipment.
Yeah, do you mind if
I put some music on?
Oh, no, please do, yeah.
Ok.
Er, this is something
I put together myself.
Brilliant.
- [Tender music plays]
- [Man] The music starts.
The lights are off.
Are we ready? Are we ready?
Are we ready?
Break it down.
[Giggling]
Mike makes love.
He likes to make love.
He winks at her.
She loves it.
She purrs.
[Purrs, giggles]
He touches her breast.
- It feels good.
- Oh, ok.
It's made his winky go bigger.
His winky is bigger.
Oh, yep.
Now Mike's gonna cum.
Mmm.
- [Groans]
- Oh, there we go, there we go.
[Sigh of relief]
- [Music stops]
- Thanks a lot for that.
- Huh?
- Mike is sleeping now.
Please make your way
from the house quietly.
This is a residential
area. Bye-bye.
Erm... ok.
Ooh, chocolate cake.
Yes, please. [Laughs]
I know it's a
cliche but it's true.
All women like chocolate.
Well, not all women, obviously.
How do you mean?
I don't like chocolate.
Erm, I bet you do really though.
No, I don't, I don't hate
it but I don't like it either.
Ok, erm, so you're
really stressed out,
you need some serious comfort
eating. What are you gonna have?
Maybe I'd have a sandwich.
No.
Er, I mean, you'd
have some chocolate.
I wouldn't.
Yeah, yeah, I think
you probably would.
- I really wouldn't.
- Yeah, you would!
[Scoffs] I'm sorry, I don't want
to make an argument out of this.
I just... I happen to be
one of those women,
probably in the minority, I admit,
who just doesn't like chocolate...
Eat it. Eat it.
Eat it.
I don't like chocolate.
Don't waste it,
no! Into my hand.
Into my hand, all of it.
[Mumbling]
So I wanted to wear
a flower in my hair
but then I started to think, oh, no, no,
don't that cos you'll look like a hippy.
But then I thought,
hang on a minute,
this is our barbecue and I'll
wear a flower in my hair if I want to.
Great.
I'm not too sure about the
dress. What'd you think?
Dress is great.
- You don't like it, do you?
- Course I like it.
The whole thing has
a very summery vibe.
It's a lovely thought
for the summer.
- It-it's just...
- What?
Well, it's just
the... Flower is...
Actually still in a pot.
I beg your pardon?
You have a flowerpot
on your head.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
- [Dance music plays]
- And one, two, three, four,
five and six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five and six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four.
Step, step, step, hh! What?
Stop. Stop. Stop.
Please, guys...
- [Music stops] - You haven't
got a clue what we're doing.
Yes, you, fatty.
And big nose.
You're spoiling it. Come
to the front on your own.
Come on.
You said there'd be girls here.
Hi, you alright?
- Have you got a pass?
- What?
Oh, no, I-I left
it on the table.
Well, I'm sorry, darling,
you ain't going in.
Rob, don't do this,
I have to be in...
Oi, oi, unless you
got one of these,
there ain't nothing I can do.
Thanks a lot, Rob.
Thank you very much.
I wish I'd never bought
you that stupid laminator.
- [Cat meows]
- Oi, oi.
Yeah, go on, in you go.
- [Cat meows]
- Go on.
Behave yourself.
Just, erm, just saying to Neil
actually, we were just talking,
do you remember that
time we all piled in the fiesta
and went down to cornwall?
D'you remember?
It was just the absolute -
you weren't there, Rob -
but it was just
the best holiday.
And you had just
had your haircut
and you hated it and you
wore a hat for the whole holiday.
- Didn't ya?
- [Laughter]
Best days of my life.
I know.
[Crying]
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Sorry?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
The diesel engine.
The dar...
Darwinism.
No, daydream.
- [Mumbling whilst crying]
- Dance!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I have dismantled
the robot professor
and this is my victory dance.
No.
No? Oh.
So, imagine the ball going
through the middle of the posts,
and drive through.
[Thump]
Who's got a clever
daddy then, eh, Josh?
Where's Josh?
Johnny! [Chuckles] How are you?
Johnny, are you ok?
Oh, sorry. Sorry, yeah.
You do remember me, don't you?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my god, I haven't seen
you in ages and I was just...
What?
- Oh, no, no, no, it's silly.
- Go on.
I thought about you when I
was wanking this morning.
Oh, great.
So, er, what have you
been up to anyway?
How-how long's it
been? Is it five, five years?
Five years, yeah, no, that's what I
mean, that's why it's such a coincidence.
- What?
- Well, you know.
[Mimics wanking]
And half an hour later I
run into you on the street.
[Nervous laugh]
Yeah, that is a bit
of a coincidence.
So, how is your mum?
Fine. Do you know, cos
I ain't seen you in so long
I had to try and remember what you looked
like when we were in sixth form together.
But now, wow!
Tonight's gonna be "no problem".
Thank you, that's interesting.
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm gonna go.
That is weird.
I'm gonna ask him. You coming?
Not a chance.
Well, he can't say no, Simon, not
after my sales last month, he can't.
Er, rubbish, two years
and no raise, it's rubbish.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Yeah, well, there's nothing a little...
[clicks tongue] ...Won't accomplish, so.
[Door shuts]
[Man shouts]
Told ya.
Hey, what's up with those guys?
Oh, yeah, they're fishing?
For what?
For fish.
What?
To eat them.
Oh, what? When did this start?
What, fishing?
Yeah.
[Scoffs]
A while back.
Never heard of it.
Looks shit, dunnit?
Where did you
think fish came from?
Sorry, hang on, what
the fuck is a fish?
You've eaten fish before.
[Scoffs] What? No, I haven't.
Yeah, you have.
On Monday night.
The white meat with a batter.
We shared a whiting.
Wh-whiting?
Whi-ting.
Do I look like an idiot?
[Laughing]
Jesus, what's that?
Come on.
What you doing?
It's got eyes, man.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hi, we're looking
for a fairly large cake
- for a...
- Party.
What kind of party is it?
Just a normal,
run-of-the-mill, normal party.
Well, this one here,
it should be suitable.
Er, serves around 40.
Erm, how many people
have we got coming?
Do you mean to our wedding?
- Shit.
- [Gasps]
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, congratulations. Oh, no,
you should have said, hang on.
There we go.
That's, er, £298.
Isn't it lovely?
Yeah, er, this appears to
be exactly the same cake.
Oh, no, no, sorry, no,
this is our wedding cake.
You see, it's even got the little
tiny bride and groom on the top
and they're getting
married, look.
Yeah. I don't, I don't want
the plastic bride and groom,
I just want the other cake.
Right, no, sorry.
This is our normal
cake. [Chuckles]
And this is one here,
this is our wedding cake.
I know, but all you've done
is put a little plastic
bride and groom on top
and raise the price from 74
to £298.
Well, no, because there
is a ribbon round the edge.
- Don't want the ribbon.
- It's a wedding ribbon.
It's just a ribbon.
The ribbon is shit,
so is the shitty little
plastic bride and groom.
Ok, do you understand?
I want this cake here.
You can't now cos you've
already told me it's for a wedding...
Give me one reason, one reason,
other than the shit ribbon,
the shit man and the shit lady
why I should buy the same cake?
- It's not the same ca...
- The same cake
at precisely four times
the price of the other one.
Well, no, you see, this is
a wedding cake, you see.
It's exactly the same cake.
Well, no, do you remember
we talked about the ribbon?
- I don't want the ribbon.
- I want the wedding cake!
Fine. Yeah. We'll,
we'll take the
wedding cake, please.
He's so mean.
- I know, he is a bit, isn't he?
- What?
Nothing, I didn't say anything. I
was just talking about the cake.
It's a good choice.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Frankincense?
- [Mumbling whilst crying]
- The environment?
David Attenborough.
- Ah.
- No?
No, it's not.
Have a good time tonight?
You completely embarrassed
me in front all of my friends.
How's your little
girlfriend Laura?
Hmm? Once you got in the garden.
"Oh, Laura!" 45 minutes.
"Oh, Laura, oh, ha-ha,
you're so funny, Laura.
Oh, ha-ha, look at
your big tits, Laura."
Old family friend, I've
known her for years.
- Have you?
- You are so predictable.
I need to spit.
I got here first.
Oh, oh,
you've-you've a little
bit of spit on your face.
All the proceeds to
the llama sanctuary
go directly to the cause
of making the llama's lives
more comfortable here
in the llama sanctuary.
That's great.
Now,
this llama's called Peter.
He's not a very old llama,
but sometimes he behaves
as though he is. [Laughs]
Say hello to Peter.
Hello.
Well, say it properly.
Hello, hi, Peter.
Hello, Peter. How-how are you?
Now, I'll introduce you
to all the other llamas,
one by one.
That one's Gavin.
You said there'd be girls here.
That one's Adrian.
That one's Keith.
Why did he have
to become so nice?
Well, maybe the honeymoon
period's over, or something, I dunno.
Exactly the same as
me and Andy, wasn't it?
Six weeks out, really horrible.
Made me feel worthless,
slept around, too busy to see me
and then all of a
sudden, what happens?
He becomes, er,
kind and considerate.
[Cries]
- Oh, god.
- What?
Carl's never gonna
forget my birthday again.
No, of course he
will, Sophie, come on.
No, he won't. He'll remember it
and he'll probably plan
a really nice day for me
with really, you know,
thoughtful presents.
No, no, but he will still
cheat in you definitely.
No, he won't! He won't.
Oh, god, I just... I thought
I'd finally found my bastard
and now he's become
all romantic and loving.
I mean, today, yeah, he
called me from work and...
[Whispered] Told
me that he loved me.
Oh, my god, that's awful.
Ok, soph, I'm gonna tell
you something right now!
- You're gonna have to walk away.
- Yeah.
You know why?
Cos you are worth
so much less than that.
I know.
Alright, girls? Hello, babe.
Got you some wine
on the way back.
Rioja, your favourite.
I took the Liberty of ordering
your favourite Chinese meal,
so I'll just have to go
and pick it up, alright?
See you in a bit.
[Mocking] See you in a bit.
- Oh, my god.
- It's alright. Shh.
- [Woman] I'm back.
- How was it?
Pretty good, actually. I've gone
for something slightly different.
What do you think?
Yeah.
I've had it coloured.
Great.
You don't like it, do you?
Do like it.
Colour's, the
colour's really good.
You know, you know
I like you blonde,
it's really nice of
you to indulge me.
Er...
Maybe, er, just
around the-the ears...
It sort of carries on down.
Not sure I like the sideburns.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
I, Emma Louise
Parker, take thee...
[Woman coughs]
Hmm?
- Are you alright?
- Yeah, fine.
Just give me a minute.
Ok, go for it.
Erm, I...
Dad.
Dad, don't you dare!
Come back here!
[Mumbles whilst crying]
- [Woman] Flute.
- [Man] Fossil.
Chrysanthemum.
Cacophony.
- Cumulo-nimbus.
- Scapel.
- Tippex.
- Musket.
- Gherkin.
- Pickled gherkin.
- Ricin.
- Frame.
- Swings.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Erm, I'm looking
to buy a palm top.
Ok, erm,
this is the smallest and
most affordable of our devices.
Erm, I think it's really
popular because of the...
[Makes noises]
Right, er, do you mind if I?
Please do.
[Blows raspberry]
It's fine but it's not really what
I'm looking for, to be honest.
Ok, fine, fine. Well, let's
have a look at this one.
It's slightly more
expensive but it has got...
[Howls]
Mama! Kaka!
Mamba.
Can I compare the two?
Please do.
[Blows raspberry, growling]
No way, man, no way.
- I think this one's better.
- Mmm. Mmm.
"Dear Jackie, just to say,
you are wonderful
in every single way.
And tell you that I love
you upon this special day."
Oh, thank you, darling.
That's alright.
I must be the luckiest
woman in the world.
I don't know how
you do it every time,
you show your emotions
in poetry like that.
Look, "to tell you that I love
you upon this special day."
I mean, wow, it just,
it sums our whole
relationship up.
No, er, you're not
actually getting this, Jack.
I didn't write the
poem. [Chuckles]
It was already in the card.
What?
That... that bit is typed.
So you just wrote, "to Jackie.
Love Richard, kiss kiss."
Yeah.
Oh, stupid Jackie.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
[Cries]
How long have you been passing
this stuff up as your own work?
I haven't.
Oh, baby, come here, come on.
Oh...
I'm sorry I upset you.
Makes me sad and blue,
my love is now and forever,
to you I am always true.
Eh? Yeah.
Yeah.
- [Rock music plays]
- [Crowd cheer]
thanks very much.
Excuse me, hi,
I just wanted to say I
thought you guys were great.
And we were just
kind of wondering
if you were available
for private hire,
you know, for, er,
for wed... For parties?
What sort of party is it, mate?
It's just a normal,
normal party.
It's 150, flat rate.
Brilliant. And can you play
al green's, 'let's stay together',
- like you did tonight?
- Oh, yeah.
I've just always wanted it to
be played at my wedding. Shit.
Oh, congratulations, you
should have said, mate.
Right.
So now you know
that it's my wedding
you'll probably hike
the price up to 900 quid
and even though you'll
play the same bloody song...
Calm down, mate.
-Don't charge any extra for weddings.
-Really? You don't?
But you will get
special songs, mate.
You know, 'lady in red',
'nice day for a white
wedding', oh, and course...
♪ hi ho, silver lining ♪
♪ and away we go... ♪
yeah, I don't really
want any of those songs.
They're a little bit, erm, shit.
We know, but it's a wedding.
It doesn't matter because I just
want the songs that you played tonight.
What about
'the birdie song'?
No, absolutely no way.
I don't want 'the birdie song',
or 'the lady in bloody red'
- or any other shit like that.
- I want 'lady in red'!
You don't even
like 'lady in red'.
It's my wedding and
I want 'lady in red'.
Honest, mate. It's
your special day, love.
I know.
Selfish.
What?
[Speaking Japanese]
You said there'd be girls here.
God, I'm so sorry I'm late.
That's ok. We'll be late.
Ok.
Ooh, it's a bit
chilly out tonight.
Have my, er, have my jacket.
There you go.
Still a bit chilly.
[Laughs]
- Aah.
- [Laughs]
- Erm, do you want my...?
- Why not.
- You look great.
- Thanks.
Warm enough now? [Laughs]
Yeah.
Actually, er, no. Er, it's
my legs, they're freezing.
Your-your legs?
I know...
It's just...
Just my little hands.
Gimme the socks.
- I won't be late again.
- No.
Can I just get some
black eyeliner, please?
[Giggles]
Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush.
Oh, ok.
Oh, for god's sake.
Don't be silly. Just give
the lady her eyeliner, Chel.
Sorry, there. Ooh, too slow.
Try again.
-Will you just give it to me, please?
-Yes, sorry, yes.
Ooh, it's there.
It's just... want it?
Oooh. Be quick.
-Will you just give it to me, please?
-Quick like a cat!
Quick like a cat, quick like a
cat. Quickly, quickly, quickly.
- Walk closer. Walk closer.
- Just grow up.
Ooh.
That's it. Where's your manager?
I want to speak to your manager.
Yes. Man out.
Hello, ange, yeah, there's a lady
that wants to speak to you right away.
[Giggles]
Hi, can I help you?
Yeah, I've come to
buy some black eyeliner
and, er, these two idiots...
[Together] Oooh.
Won't let me have it.
You two, you are always up to something.
Now, what was it, black eyeliner?
Yes, please.
May I have that, please,
thank you very much.
Whoa!
Close, that's
embarrassing now for you.
Can you... it's over here.
Could you just take it?
Boobs, boobs, boobs.
- Just piss off...
- Yes.
The lot of you!
[All laugh]
You grow up! Do it!
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
- excuse me. Hi.
- Hi.
How much are these?
Er, they're 13.90 each.
Ok, could we have, er...
- Nine or ten.
- Yeah, nine or ten, same as that, please.
No problem. What's the occasion?
We're getting married.
Oh, congratulations,
you should have said.
These are our wedding flowers.
Oh, they're lovely.
They're 46.70,
not including vat.
Er, but they're... They're
the same, aren't they?
No. Erm, these
are wedding flowers.
Yeah, but they're
exactly the same flowers.
[Chuckles] No.
Ok, let me explain.
These are normal
flowers, just normal.
These are wedding
flowers, like, yeah!
Oh, I see, so you just put
the word "wedding" in front
and charge four
times more, is that it?
[Chuckles]
No, it's just, it's just
they're wedding flowers.
So what do you do
to justify the price?
Do they, er, do
they er, I dunno,
do they, do they play the organ
in church as well of something?
Erm, no. Erm, flowers
can't play the organ, so...
Er, I'll have these
instead then.
I mean, you can't, cos I know
they're for a wedding now.
They're exactly
the same flowers.
- I want wedding flowers!
- Fine.
We'll have wedding flowers.
Honestly, it is like
your special day.
- What?
- I know.
Oi, oi, you muppet.
Oh, big night last night?
Massive. Seriously think I
might be approaching death.
Little liquid lunch, you'll be back in
the land of the living in no time, John.
I can't remember how
I got home or anything.
Harry's in late, have
you noticed that, eh?
He's usually here by now.
Yeah, usually.
Hey, beat, mate,
have you seen Harry?
- What's that, mate?
- Harry, have you seen him this morning?
Don't you remember?
Er, I remember he
was slaughtered.
- Like we all were.
- Wheey.
Yeah, well, Harry was slightly more
slaughtered than the rest of us, eh?
Ah, don't understand.
Well, we ate him, didn't we?
[Laughs] You what?
We ate him, you muppet.
Oh, you muppet.
Wasn't easy, he
was a big man, Harry.
- Don't remember this.
- Well, you wouldn't would ya?
You were more hammered
than the rest of us, eh?
It's true. He bet you you couldn't
eat Harry's head. You did it.
I ate his head?
Yeah.
Hey. No one in the
office knows, do they?
Good night last night, John?
Oh, I don't believe
that. That is... oh, god.
First week on a new job and I
end up eating my supervisor.
That's... oh.
Hey, hey, hey, you ate
a man, we've all done it.
What goes on tour, eh?
That's my phone. Er, few
beers again tonight boys, yeah?
- Ho-ho!
- Go on then.
See ya down there.
Oh, wow, you've got
so much equipment.
Yeah, do you mind if
I put some music on?
Oh, no, please do, yeah.
Ok.
Er, this is something
I put together myself.
Brilliant.
- [Tender music plays]
- [Man] The music starts.
The lights are off.
Are we ready? Are we ready?
Are we ready?
Break it down.
[Giggling]
Mike makes love.
He likes to make love.
He winks at her.
She loves it.
She purrs.
[Purrs, giggles]
He touches her breast.
- It feels good.
- Oh, ok.
It's made his winky go bigger.
His winky is bigger.
Oh, yep.
Now Mike's gonna cum.
Mmm.
- [Groans]
- Oh, there we go, there we go.
[Sigh of relief]
- [Music stops]
- Thanks a lot for that.
- Huh?
- Mike is sleeping now.
Please make your way
from the house quietly.
This is a residential
area. Bye-bye.
Erm... ok.
Ooh, chocolate cake.
Yes, please. [Laughs]
I know it's a
cliche but it's true.
All women like chocolate.
Well, not all women, obviously.
How do you mean?
I don't like chocolate.
Erm, I bet you do really though.
No, I don't, I don't hate
it but I don't like it either.
Ok, erm, so you're
really stressed out,
you need some serious comfort
eating. What are you gonna have?
Maybe I'd have a sandwich.
No.
Er, I mean, you'd
have some chocolate.
I wouldn't.
Yeah, yeah, I think
you probably would.
- I really wouldn't.
- Yeah, you would!
[Scoffs] I'm sorry, I don't want
to make an argument out of this.
I just... I happen to be
one of those women,
probably in the minority, I admit,
who just doesn't like chocolate...
Eat it. Eat it.
Eat it.
I don't like chocolate.
Don't waste it,
no! Into my hand.
Into my hand, all of it.
[Mumbling]
So I wanted to wear
a flower in my hair
but then I started to think, oh, no, no,
don't that cos you'll look like a hippy.
But then I thought,
hang on a minute,
this is our barbecue and I'll
wear a flower in my hair if I want to.
Great.
I'm not too sure about the
dress. What'd you think?
Dress is great.
- You don't like it, do you?
- Course I like it.
The whole thing has
a very summery vibe.
It's a lovely thought
for the summer.
- It-it's just...
- What?
Well, it's just
the... Flower is...
Actually still in a pot.
I beg your pardon?
You have a flowerpot
on your head.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
- [Dance music plays]
- And one, two, three, four,
five and six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five and six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four.
Step, step, step, hh! What?
Stop. Stop. Stop.
Please, guys...
- [Music stops] - You haven't
got a clue what we're doing.
Yes, you, fatty.
And big nose.
You're spoiling it. Come
to the front on your own.
Come on.
You said there'd be girls here.
Hi, you alright?
- Have you got a pass?
- What?
Oh, no, I-I left
it on the table.
Well, I'm sorry, darling,
you ain't going in.
Rob, don't do this,
I have to be in...
Oi, oi, unless you
got one of these,
there ain't nothing I can do.
Thanks a lot, Rob.
Thank you very much.
I wish I'd never bought
you that stupid laminator.
- [Cat meows]
- Oi, oi.
Yeah, go on, in you go.
- [Cat meows]
- Go on.
Behave yourself.
Just, erm, just saying to Neil
actually, we were just talking,
do you remember that
time we all piled in the fiesta
and went down to cornwall?
D'you remember?
It was just the absolute -
you weren't there, Rob -
but it was just
the best holiday.
And you had just
had your haircut
and you hated it and you
wore a hat for the whole holiday.
- Didn't ya?
- [Laughter]
Best days of my life.
I know.
[Crying]
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Sorry?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
The diesel engine.
The dar...
Darwinism.
No, daydream.
- [Mumbling whilst crying]
- Dance!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I have dismantled
the robot professor
and this is my victory dance.
No.
No? Oh.
So, imagine the ball going
through the middle of the posts,
and drive through.
[Thump]
Who's got a clever
daddy then, eh, Josh?
Where's Josh?
Johnny! [Chuckles] How are you?
Johnny, are you ok?
Oh, sorry. Sorry, yeah.
You do remember me, don't you?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my god, I haven't seen
you in ages and I was just...
What?
- Oh, no, no, no, it's silly.
- Go on.
I thought about you when I
was wanking this morning.
Oh, great.
So, er, what have you
been up to anyway?
How-how long's it
been? Is it five, five years?
Five years, yeah, no, that's what I
mean, that's why it's such a coincidence.
- What?
- Well, you know.
[Mimics wanking]
And half an hour later I
run into you on the street.
[Nervous laugh]
Yeah, that is a bit
of a coincidence.
So, how is your mum?
Fine. Do you know, cos
I ain't seen you in so long
I had to try and remember what you looked
like when we were in sixth form together.
But now, wow!
Tonight's gonna be "no problem".
Thank you, that's interesting.
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm gonna go.
That is weird.
I'm gonna ask him. You coming?
Not a chance.
Well, he can't say no, Simon, not
after my sales last month, he can't.
Er, rubbish, two years
and no raise, it's rubbish.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Yeah, well, there's nothing a little...
[clicks tongue] ...Won't accomplish, so.
[Door shuts]
[Man shouts]
Told ya.
Hey, what's up with those guys?
Oh, yeah, they're fishing?
For what?
For fish.
What?
To eat them.
Oh, what? When did this start?
What, fishing?
Yeah.
[Scoffs]
A while back.
Never heard of it.
Looks shit, dunnit?
Where did you
think fish came from?
Sorry, hang on, what
the fuck is a fish?
You've eaten fish before.
[Scoffs] What? No, I haven't.
Yeah, you have.
On Monday night.
The white meat with a batter.
We shared a whiting.
Wh-whiting?
Whi-ting.
Do I look like an idiot?
[Laughing]
Jesus, what's that?
Come on.
What you doing?
It's got eyes, man.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hi, we're looking
for a fairly large cake
- for a...
- Party.
What kind of party is it?
Just a normal,
run-of-the-mill, normal party.
Well, this one here,
it should be suitable.
Er, serves around 40.
Erm, how many people
have we got coming?
Do you mean to our wedding?
- Shit.
- [Gasps]
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, congratulations. Oh, no,
you should have said, hang on.
There we go.
That's, er, £298.
Isn't it lovely?
Yeah, er, this appears to
be exactly the same cake.
Oh, no, no, sorry, no,
this is our wedding cake.
You see, it's even got the little
tiny bride and groom on the top
and they're getting
married, look.
Yeah. I don't, I don't want
the plastic bride and groom,
I just want the other cake.
Right, no, sorry.
This is our normal
cake. [Chuckles]
And this is one here,
this is our wedding cake.
I know, but all you've done
is put a little plastic
bride and groom on top
and raise the price from 74
to £298.
Well, no, because there
is a ribbon round the edge.
- Don't want the ribbon.
- It's a wedding ribbon.
It's just a ribbon.
The ribbon is shit,
so is the shitty little
plastic bride and groom.
Ok, do you understand?
I want this cake here.
You can't now cos you've
already told me it's for a wedding...
Give me one reason, one reason,
other than the shit ribbon,
the shit man and the shit lady
why I should buy the same cake?
- It's not the same ca...
- The same cake
at precisely four times
the price of the other one.
Well, no, you see, this is
a wedding cake, you see.
It's exactly the same cake.
Well, no, do you remember
we talked about the ribbon?
- I don't want the ribbon.
- I want the wedding cake!
Fine. Yeah. We'll,
we'll take the
wedding cake, please.
He's so mean.
- I know, he is a bit, isn't he?
- What?
Nothing, I didn't say anything. I
was just talking about the cake.
It's a good choice.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Frankincense?
- [Mumbling whilst crying]
- The environment?
David Attenborough.
- Ah.
- No?
No, it's not.
Have a good time tonight?
You completely embarrassed
me in front all of my friends.
How's your little
girlfriend Laura?
Hmm? Once you got in the garden.
"Oh, Laura!" 45 minutes.
"Oh, Laura, oh, ha-ha,
you're so funny, Laura.
Oh, ha-ha, look at
your big tits, Laura."
Old family friend, I've
known her for years.
- Have you?
- You are so predictable.
I need to spit.
I got here first.
Oh, oh,
you've-you've a little
bit of spit on your face.
All the proceeds to
the llama sanctuary
go directly to the cause
of making the llama's lives
more comfortable here
in the llama sanctuary.
That's great.
Now,
this llama's called Peter.
He's not a very old llama,
but sometimes he behaves
as though he is. [Laughs]
Say hello to Peter.
Hello.
Well, say it properly.
Hello, hi, Peter.
Hello, Peter. How-how are you?
Now, I'll introduce you
to all the other llamas,
one by one.
That one's Gavin.
You said there'd be girls here.
That one's Adrian.
That one's Keith.
Why did he have
to become so nice?
Well, maybe the honeymoon
period's over, or something, I dunno.
Exactly the same as
me and Andy, wasn't it?
Six weeks out, really horrible.
Made me feel worthless,
slept around, too busy to see me
and then all of a
sudden, what happens?
He becomes, er,
kind and considerate.
[Cries]
- Oh, god.
- What?
Carl's never gonna
forget my birthday again.
No, of course he
will, Sophie, come on.
No, he won't. He'll remember it
and he'll probably plan
a really nice day for me
with really, you know,
thoughtful presents.
No, no, but he will still
cheat in you definitely.
No, he won't! He won't.
Oh, god, I just... I thought
I'd finally found my bastard
and now he's become
all romantic and loving.
I mean, today, yeah, he
called me from work and...
[Whispered] Told
me that he loved me.
Oh, my god, that's awful.
Ok, soph, I'm gonna tell
you something right now!
- You're gonna have to walk away.
- Yeah.
You know why?
Cos you are worth
so much less than that.
I know.
Alright, girls? Hello, babe.
Got you some wine
on the way back.
Rioja, your favourite.
I took the Liberty of ordering
your favourite Chinese meal,
so I'll just have to go
and pick it up, alright?
See you in a bit.
[Mocking] See you in a bit.
- Oh, my god.
- It's alright. Shh.
- [Woman] I'm back.
- How was it?
Pretty good, actually. I've gone
for something slightly different.
What do you think?
Yeah.
I've had it coloured.
Great.
You don't like it, do you?
Do like it.
Colour's, the
colour's really good.
You know, you know
I like you blonde,
it's really nice of
you to indulge me.
Er...
Maybe, er, just
around the-the ears...
It sort of carries on down.
Not sure I like the sideburns.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
I, Emma Louise
Parker, take thee...
[Woman coughs]
Hmm?
- Are you alright?
- Yeah, fine.
Just give me a minute.
Ok, go for it.
Erm, I...
Dad.
Dad, don't you dare!
Come back here!
[Mumbles whilst crying]
- [Woman] Flute.
- [Man] Fossil.
Chrysanthemum.
Cacophony.
- Cumulo-nimbus.
- Scapel.
- Tippex.
- Musket.
- Gherkin.
- Pickled gherkin.
- Ricin.
- Frame.
- Swings.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Erm, I'm looking
to buy a palm top.
Ok, erm,
this is the smallest and
most affordable of our devices.
Erm, I think it's really
popular because of the...
[Makes noises]
Right, er, do you mind if I?
Please do.
[Blows raspberry]
It's fine but it's not really what
I'm looking for, to be honest.
Ok, fine, fine. Well, let's
have a look at this one.
It's slightly more
expensive but it has got...
[Howls]
Mama! Kaka!
Mamba.
Can I compare the two?
Please do.
[Blows raspberry, growling]
No way, man, no way.
- I think this one's better.
- Mmm. Mmm.
"Dear Jackie, just to say,
you are wonderful
in every single way.
And tell you that I love
you upon this special day."
Oh, thank you, darling.
That's alright.
I must be the luckiest
woman in the world.
I don't know how
you do it every time,
you show your emotions
in poetry like that.
Look, "to tell you that I love
you upon this special day."
I mean, wow, it just,
it sums our whole
relationship up.
No, er, you're not
actually getting this, Jack.
I didn't write the
poem. [Chuckles]
It was already in the card.
What?
That... that bit is typed.
So you just wrote, "to Jackie.
Love Richard, kiss kiss."
Yeah.
Oh, stupid Jackie.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
[Cries]
How long have you been passing
this stuff up as your own work?
I haven't.
Oh, baby, come here, come on.
Oh...
I'm sorry I upset you.
Makes me sad and blue,
my love is now and forever,
to you I am always true.
Eh? Yeah.
Yeah.
- [Rock music plays]
- [Crowd cheer]
thanks very much.
Excuse me, hi,
I just wanted to say I
thought you guys were great.
And we were just
kind of wondering
if you were available
for private hire,
you know, for, er,
for wed... For parties?
What sort of party is it, mate?
It's just a normal,
normal party.
It's 150, flat rate.
Brilliant. And can you play
al green's, 'let's stay together',
- like you did tonight?
- Oh, yeah.
I've just always wanted it to
be played at my wedding. Shit.
Oh, congratulations, you
should have said, mate.
Right.
So now you know
that it's my wedding
you'll probably hike
the price up to 900 quid
and even though you'll
play the same bloody song...
Calm down, mate.
-Don't charge any extra for weddings.
-Really? You don't?
But you will get
special songs, mate.
You know, 'lady in red',
'nice day for a white
wedding', oh, and course...
♪ hi ho, silver lining ♪
♪ and away we go... ♪
yeah, I don't really
want any of those songs.
They're a little bit, erm, shit.
We know, but it's a wedding.
It doesn't matter because I just
want the songs that you played tonight.
What about
'the birdie song'?
No, absolutely no way.
I don't want 'the birdie song',
or 'the lady in bloody red'
- or any other shit like that.
- I want 'lady in red'!
You don't even
like 'lady in red'.
It's my wedding and
I want 'lady in red'.
Honest, mate. It's
your special day, love.
I know.
Selfish.
What?
[Speaking Japanese]
You said there'd be girls here.
God, I'm so sorry I'm late.
That's ok. We'll be late.
Ok.
Ooh, it's a bit
chilly out tonight.
Have my, er, have my jacket.
There you go.
Still a bit chilly.
[Laughs]
- Aah.
- [Laughs]
- Erm, do you want my...?
- Why not.
- You look great.
- Thanks.
Warm enough now? [Laughs]
Yeah.
Actually, er, no. Er, it's
my legs, they're freezing.
Your-your legs?
I know...
It's just...
Just my little hands.
Gimme the socks.
- I won't be late again.
- No.
Can I just get some
black eyeliner, please?
[Giggles]
Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush.
Oh, ok.
Oh, for god's sake.
Don't be silly. Just give
the lady her eyeliner, Chel.
Sorry, there. Ooh, too slow.
Try again.
-Will you just give it to me, please?
-Yes, sorry, yes.
Ooh, it's there.
It's just... want it?
Oooh. Be quick.
-Will you just give it to me, please?
-Quick like a cat!
Quick like a cat, quick like a
cat. Quickly, quickly, quickly.
- Walk closer. Walk closer.
- Just grow up.
Ooh.
That's it. Where's your manager?
I want to speak to your manager.
Yes. Man out.
Hello, ange, yeah, there's a lady
that wants to speak to you right away.
[Giggles]
Hi, can I help you?
Yeah, I've come to
buy some black eyeliner
and, er, these two idiots...
[Together] Oooh.
Won't let me have it.
You two, you are always up to something.
Now, what was it, black eyeliner?
Yes, please.
May I have that, please,
thank you very much.
Whoa!
Close, that's
embarrassing now for you.
Can you... it's over here.
Could you just take it?
Boobs, boobs, boobs.
- Just piss off...
- Yes.
The lot of you!
[All laugh]
You grow up! Do it!