Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
[indistinct chatter]
Oh!
Oh, gosh.
It's me. Yeah. Hi, Carol.
Oh, my god, you look stunning.
Mm, thank you.
So do you.
You've seen this
before, haven't you?
Yeah, I have, I think it
was on your wedding day.
I know!
This my my wedding.
You've had your wedding.
Well, not really, Carol.
I'm really sorry that
that all didn't work out.
All alone at the
altar. [Chuckles]
Just like a prize Turkey.
Everyone was just starring
at me, rar-rar, at my face.
Yeah, I know,
that's right. Eurgh.
But, er, but, er, it is
my wedding day, isn't it?
I think it's going really well.
Right, on my wedding day
it's sort of my chance
to wear the dress.
- Lovely dress it is, too!
- But it's my wedding day.
I know.
Listen, is, er...
Is everything ok?
Susan, you can't wear that cos
we're both in white, aren't we?
Oh, my.
You think one of
us should change?
Yes, thank you, that
would be great. Yes.
- [Whispers] Go on.
- Huh?
I'll stand in for you.
- Sorry?
- Go. [Whistles]
- Hello, hi.
- Hi, you look gorgeous.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Hi.
- Thank you.
- [Both chuckle]
Hi.
Hey, Vicky, is Simon in?
He's just having a shower.
- Oh, how was torremolinos?
- Oh, it was great, yeah.
It's good, innit? I don't know
why it's got the reputation it has.
I've never noticed before, you've
got absolutely fantastic breasts.
- What?
- What?
Oh!
Erm...
Thank you. [Laughs]
I'd love to touch them.
I beg your pardon?
You know, just
one of them actually.
I bet they feel lovely.
I'll give you 100 quid.
Simon's just upstairs.
I'm not gonna tell Simon.
I'll put it there.
Right, go on then,
if you're quick.
[Sighs]
Just, er...
Ooh.
Oh, that-that's nice.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
That's lovely. That's...
Ooh.
- Oh, yeah, that's smashing.
- [Giggles]
That's yours.
Yeah, I know, me and kerry went
to torremolinos couple years ago.
I couldn't believe
how packed it was.
I'm sorry, it's no use, I'm gonna
have to touch the other one now.
What?
I'll give you another 100.
There's the goods.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's-that's quality.
Erm.
[Giggles]
Lovely, yeah. What
was the weather like?
Erm, er, it was great.
Smashing, yeah.
Ooh, I better go. [Chuckles]
- But Simon's just...
- See ya.
Coming down.
[Sighs] Who was that?
Er, oh, yeah, no, that
was, that was Neil.
He, erm, he wanted to see
you but then he had to go.
Did he bring that
£200 he owes me?
So I'm like, sure, the
mazerati performs well,
especially in the wet, but it doesn't have
the sheer sex appeal of the Aston Martin.
I mean, my Aston is more
classic, but it's just the business,
and I mean "the business".
And he's like, "yeah, but the mazerati
mc12 goes from 0 to 100 in 3.8 seconds,"
that's kilometres,
not miles, by the way.
And I'm like, "yeah, but the Aston
is just a big blow job on wheels."
And he's like, "well, actually,
- a jag has better grip."
- [Shushing]
- And I'm like, I'm like...
- [Shushing]
"A jag?"
And he's like, "er, sure."
- But...
- [Shushing]
I said have you
seen the chassis...
Carburettor?
Did anyone see that documentary
the other night on mandela?
Brilliant. Taped it.
Shanna?
Andy.
You're looking good.
So, oh, you and him...
Erm, yeah, for a few months now.
[Sighs]
A few months...
I thought...
Yeah, I'm sorry, Andy.
Because I'm still fond of you.
I'm still fond of you, too.
[Hysterical crying]
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Sorry?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I'm hearing the word "marzipan"
and something
about a space hopper.
- Not marzipan!
- Not marzipan.
Just-just say it really slowly.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I will complete the
pyramids in five minutes,
thank you, pharaoh.
No?
Ta-dah!
- Well?
- Hmm.
Should of cost
600. I got it for 250.
My coat cost double that.
No, no, no, it wasn't
my coat. It's my bag.
Your bag? Yeah.
You don't like it, do you?
What can I say? It's...
A bag.
But?
If I had to make one criticism.
You know, if I had
to pick something out,
if I was forced to,
maybe there's just
a few too many bubbles...
Bubbles?
Coming out of it.
[Scoffs]
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
[Conductor] This train is about
to depart, please mind the doors.
[Doors shutting, beeping]
[Groans]
Awww.
[Groans]
Shame!
She is gorgeous.
Thank you. She's our first.
Do you have
children of your own?
Er, me? No, I don't have.
Oh, my god. Why
not? You should do.
When I see a woman like
you, you should have kids.
Oh... [chuckles] Well,
it's just not for me.
Oh, no, you really should. They
make all the difference, you know.
- They are wonderful.
- [Giggles]
Ok, maybe, yes.
It's just, mmm, it's just,
no, I'm not, I'm not going to.
Every single woman
should be a mother, so...
We believe it to be
the big man's plan.
- [Laughs] We do, don't we?
- Well, it's not for me.
I dunno why not? Why not?
Because there's something
wrong with my twat.
If you wanna take a
peek, it's right there.
Good day to you.
Come on, darling.
The panasonic cr56,
that is just a real home
cinema experience.
I mean, that is just the
business, I mean, "the business".
I mean the De-noising
on that is just flawless.
-I mean, I've got an rgb connection...
-[Shushing]
which you have to if you want to
get the most out of the Genesis chip.
And-and the mpeg player is...
- [Shushing]
- [Mumbling]
The subwoofers are immense.
I mean, the...
Bah...
Yeah, so I'm thinking
of taking her to this, erm,
it's like a baby theatre group.
[Chattering]
Hmm.
It has been 23 days
now, sweetheart.
Since what, darling?
Since I was last unfaithful.
Oh, wow. Well done.
Thank you very
much. What about you?
Ooh, erm, yeah, I slipped
up at the weekend, I'm afraid.
- Oh, oops. [Laughs]
- Mmm.
That's a shame. You
had almost done a month.
- Ah, no, really?
- Yeah.
- Pfft, never mind.
- Never mind.
Bye-bye, darling.
-Good luck. Have a good day. Bye-bye.
-See you later. Bye!
[Groans]
Oooh, god.
Ok, so I'm meeting
Paul for a drink tonight
so I'll probably grab
some food on the way.
Ok, no problem.
What's that for?
Oh, I'm just writing
a letter to a murderer.
Great. What?
Oh, there's this guy from broadmoor,
I read about him in the paper.
I just dropped him a line.
And he writes back?
Yeah, about twice a week.
He used to hide in the
woods and kill ramblers.
They call him the badger,
but his real name's graeme
and he's very sweet.
Although the letters I
do get are a bit fruity.
[Nervous laugh]
Here's this morning's if
you want to take a look.
He asked me to marry him,
like after three months,
which is weird,
cos we've been together for like
seven years and you've never asked.
So, I don't know,
I think that this is a
relationship that's going places.
Gonna say no?
I dunno.
I think what I'm gonna do
is I'm just gonna keep writing
and just see what
pops into my head.
Katie...
Let's get married.
And?
And we'll move to Norfolk.
And?
And I'll cut my hair. Just
stop writing to the ferret.
- Badger.
- Badger, whatever.
Mmm. Ok.
- Ok. [Sigh of relief]
- Ok.
And this is what he
wants to do to you?
Yeah.
Ahh...
- In your, in your face?
- In my face.
[Mumbles whilst crying]
Pakistan?
- [Mumbles whilst crying]
- Kazakhstan?
[Mumbles whilst crying]
- Turkmenistan?
- No, I don't think it's a country.
It sounds like one of those
countries from the ex-Soviet bloc.
- Really? I don't hear that?
- [Mumbles whilst crying]
Tajikistan?
[Mumbles whilst crying]
No.
[Mumbles whilst crying]
Whoa.
Oh, that was brilliant.
I feel completely rejuvenated.
They had everything. There
was a swimming pool, steam room.
You had your facial then?
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
What is it? What's the matter?
Oh, they haven't left cream on or
something on my face, have they?
Er, it looks, it looks really
good. Your hair's great.
Your skin's really glowing.
Erm, it's just the,
it's just the hair
on the upper lip.
- What?
- Well, you know,
it's-it's a tiny bit, er,
visible there.
Right. Are you saying
I've got a moustache?
Well...
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
- Hi.
- Hello.
I just waned to ask
about this face cream.
Oh, it's one of our
most popular products.
Oh, actually, the thing is,
I'm just not very happy with it.
I've been buying it for ages now. I
think it's making me look really old.
Sorry, I don't quite...
Ok, ok. I've been
buying it since 1995
and the advert says
makes skin instantly younger
and all that's happened is I've just
been getting more and more old looking.
Right. So you bought it in 1995?
That's right.
And since that
time you look older?
Yeah. Probably about,
yeah, ten years older.
This is how I looked before
I started using the cream.
- In 1995.
- Yeah.
Now, I don't know if
you can see clearly,
but I look quite young there.
Erm, I think I'm quite pretty.
Yes.
Yes, but, you
see, now I'm just...
Well, I'm not happy with
my appearance at all.
It's much older. Just,
like, look at my face.
Well, you would expect the
cream to help you look younger.
That's what I thought.
I imagine what you're doing is
you're comparing yourself now
to how you looked ten years ago.
Yeah. And now I look
older because of the cream.
No, it's not because
of the cream.
Oh. Oh, ok, why?
It's because it's
ten years later.
So I look older now
because it's ten years later?
It's got nothing to
do with the cream.
[Together] It's
just ten years later.
It's got nothing to
do with the cream.
Oh. Huh! Ok.
I... i get it.
Thank you.
It's nothing to do with...
It's nothing to do
with this. At all.
Hello.
Daddy is a twat,
daddy has no friends.
Who taught her to sing that?
I don't know...
Beautiful blue eyes,
little upturned nose.
Great big juicy red lips.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Pert little breasts.
Tiny little waist.
Big full backside.
Lovely long, smooth brown legs.
Oh, yeah!
I mean, it's gonna
be a lot of surgery
but I am gonna look hot.
[Man] Closer. Whoa!
Pack it in, Simon. I mean it.
I might have saved your life.
- I'm going in.
- What you doing?
I just want to stop now.
Come on. The tea's on,
you don't have to worry.
- Pack it in, Simon.
- Fine, sorry, I won't. Come on.
I got ya. I got ya.
- Whoa.
- Ahh!
[Man] Ooh!
Ooh.
Bollocks.
Oh, I've got to stop doing that.
We had actually
done wine as a course.
[Laughter]
We just drank the lot.
So eventually last year we went to
the napa valley in northern California.
And, er, we spent three weeks
going around the vineyards...
I like wine.
Shh.
We would sample the local
wines from the vineyards.
Now interesting point...
[Groans]
Ahh!
[Both groaning]
Hi.
Ok. So...
Why do I look so much older
than I do in the photograph?
[Sarcastic laugh] Well...
[Manic laugh]
Sorry, I... I'm being stupid?
[Laughs]
You bought the
cream ten years ago
and now it's ten
years later, so...
The cream adds on ten years.
No.
Er, you look older,
because, madam, ok, right...
- How old are you?
- 35.
Oh, and how old do
you think you look?
Oh, god, well, the cream, it
really has put on a few years
so I'd probably
say about mid-30s.
Yeah, I'm gonna go for 35.
So if you think about it,
you look ten years older...
[Together] Because, madam,
you are...
[Together] Ten years older!
Yes.
Oh. Ah.
Ooh, yes, yes.
Yeah, I see.
The cream adds on ten years.
That's not the cream's fault.
No, the cream doesn't
add on ten years.
It's just a side effect
of using the cream?
-No, it's the normal effect of ageing.
-I look older because?
Because you are ten years older.
It's got nothing to
do with the cream.
Thanks.
- [Mumbling whilst crying]
- Obelisk?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
- Pasta?
- [Mumbling whilst crying]
- Mascarpone?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
- Penguin!
- No!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
[Groaning]
So, er, what about you?
Er, well, I've got
to finish my thesis
and then I've been asked to work
for a think tank, which should be great.
- That's great. Well done, mate.
- Thank you very much.
Simon! Alright, bruv?
Specksy, oi, oi, saveloy.
What you been up to, you wanker?
Nothing much, you know, usual.
How do you fancy
coming to faliraki next week
with me and some of the lads,
shag a bit of quality kipper?
Fucking love it.
Can't though, mate, it's
a bit short notice, yeah.
It's a shame. Liam
had to pull out.
Stupid prick got nicked
with a bag of bumbles.
[Chortles] Wanker.
No, I'd love to, mate,
but I've got to stay home
and finish my... Thesis.
What's that you're
saying? Faeces?
What's that, is it like shit?
Er, no, no, thesis.
What the fucking hell is that?
It's a fucking...
Extended essay, mate.
Why don't you tell
him the title, Simon?
Oh, yeah.
Why don't you tell
me the title, Simon?
It's called...
'Population genetics
and demography
of the homany
sub-saharan African'...
Mate.
Shit!
Specksy!
- Hello. [Laughs]
- [Laughs]
Sorry. It's me.
And my cream.
Ok, so, just...
Should I or should I not
be applying the cream.
I don't know, that's up to you.
Because, ideally, I just
want to look younger...
[screams]
Check.
Mm, no, it isn't.
Yeah, it is.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yep.
You do know the rules, right?
Yeah, i-i, of course I know the rules,
I live the rules. I am the rules, so.
Fine.
It's your go.
Yes, I know, it's my go.
I'm just thinking.
Mm.
[Roaring]
[Screams]
Checkmate.
Jammy little shit.
Do you want another one?
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Let's set 'em up.
You must remember, it
was on about late '80s.
- No, I don't.
- No?
No, I can't remember.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Who's this bloke? Eh? Who is he?
Dunno, haven't seen him around.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, look, there he is.
Week old.
[Together] Aww.
A month.
Yeah.
Six weeks.
Boring dad.
Look, it's still me, alright.
Go on, I'll have a pint.
Luke?
Er, yeah, yeah, I'm
going to have another one.
No, he won't,
he'll finish that one
and if he's got any room in
his little tummy-tummy-tum-tum.
Won't ya? There's a good boy.
Right, so, er, that's
just one for you?
Yeah, yeah.
A little blow for
daddy. Blow for daddy.
Oh, yeah.
There's a good boy.
Er, so, erm,
so have you got anyone to, erm,
to buy that corsa because I
know someone who might be...
Oh, where's the crisps gone?
[Gasps] Crisps all gone.
Where the crisps go?
[Inhales] Say bye-bye.
Wave bye-bye, crisp!
Wave bye-bye.
Er, could, erm, could you stop
being a dad just for one evening?
What, what do you mean?
Well, it's just that...
Oh, look at your
sad little faces.
How are we going to make
them happy little faces, eh? Huh?
Do you want to go poo-poo?
Yeah, want to go poo-poo,
let me have a smell.
Oh, got a little poo-poo
in there for daddy, ain't ya?
Got a little poo-poo.
There's a good boy.
- There's a good boy.
- Don't do that.
There's a good boy. Let me
have a smell. Let daddy smell.
And this is the sitting room.
Oh, my god, you never
told me you were musical.
Yeah, I, er, I play a bit.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, you're amazing.
Well done. That's
really, that's fan... oh, ok.
Fantastic. That's... How
long have you been, er...
Oh.
Hello! [Laughs] I'm still here.
Nothing.
[Speaker dings]
[Air hostess] Ladies and
gentlemen, there's no need for alarm,
but if there is anyone on board
who holds a current pilot's licence
or, indeed, has any experience
of flying an aeroplane of any sort,
could they please make themselves
known to a member of the cabin crew?
Thank you.
Alex, you're a pilot,
you've been flying
747s for years.
Why don't you go
give them a hand?
Joanne,
I'm on holiday.
[Alarm blaring]
[Passengers screaming]
[Jet whining]
- [Man groans]
- [Woman] Whey!!
[Man] Unbelievable.
Unbelievable. I
cannot believe it.
We only just met, you know.
There was the crackle in the
air and bada-bing, you know.
We were straight at it.
I have never
pulled such a fit bird.
Ahh, ok.
I hate to burst your bubble,
buddy, but I'm a, I'm a working girl.
I hear what you're
saying, you know.
We've all got to put
corn on the table, yeah?
Yeah.
Er, I'm a, I'm a prostitute.
Oh.
That'll be 20 quid.
Oh, yeah.
Well...
If we're being honest
with one another,
I'm actually a...
Mini-cab driver.
And to get you back
to town from here is,
well, probably 25 quid.
So...
Why don't you just
gimme a, gimme a fiver.
Roger, rog.
[Playing drums]
[Women laughing]
[Woman] Shh. Shh.
Excuse me.
Hi, have you got this in a...
Lighter shade?
I don't know. I'll have
to ask my boss, debs.
- Debs?
- Yeah.
Do we have this
in a lighter shade?
Erm...
I'm gonna have to check for you.
Right, I'd like to speak to
your manager, please, now.
Right, well, she's not really...
Just get me your manager.
- Ooh.
- Mmm.
I'm gonna ring her.
Hello, ange, there's a,
a lady here that would like to
speak to you about something.
She's... she's coming now.
[Giggling]
[All laughing]
Can I help you at all?
[All laughing]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
[indistinct chatter]
Oh!
Oh, gosh.
It's me. Yeah. Hi, Carol.
Oh, my god, you look stunning.
Mm, thank you.
So do you.
You've seen this
before, haven't you?
Yeah, I have, I think it
was on your wedding day.
I know!
This my my wedding.
You've had your wedding.
Well, not really, Carol.
I'm really sorry that
that all didn't work out.
All alone at the
altar. [Chuckles]
Just like a prize Turkey.
Everyone was just starring
at me, rar-rar, at my face.
Yeah, I know,
that's right. Eurgh.
But, er, but, er, it is
my wedding day, isn't it?
I think it's going really well.
Right, on my wedding day
it's sort of my chance
to wear the dress.
- Lovely dress it is, too!
- But it's my wedding day.
I know.
Listen, is, er...
Is everything ok?
Susan, you can't wear that cos
we're both in white, aren't we?
Oh, my.
You think one of
us should change?
Yes, thank you, that
would be great. Yes.
- [Whispers] Go on.
- Huh?
I'll stand in for you.
- Sorry?
- Go. [Whistles]
- Hello, hi.
- Hi, you look gorgeous.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Hi.
- Thank you.
- [Both chuckle]
Hi.
Hey, Vicky, is Simon in?
He's just having a shower.
- Oh, how was torremolinos?
- Oh, it was great, yeah.
It's good, innit? I don't know
why it's got the reputation it has.
I've never noticed before, you've
got absolutely fantastic breasts.
- What?
- What?
Oh!
Erm...
Thank you. [Laughs]
I'd love to touch them.
I beg your pardon?
You know, just
one of them actually.
I bet they feel lovely.
I'll give you 100 quid.
Simon's just upstairs.
I'm not gonna tell Simon.
I'll put it there.
Right, go on then,
if you're quick.
[Sighs]
Just, er...
Ooh.
Oh, that-that's nice.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
That's lovely. That's...
Ooh.
- Oh, yeah, that's smashing.
- [Giggles]
That's yours.
Yeah, I know, me and kerry went
to torremolinos couple years ago.
I couldn't believe
how packed it was.
I'm sorry, it's no use, I'm gonna
have to touch the other one now.
What?
I'll give you another 100.
There's the goods.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's-that's quality.
Erm.
[Giggles]
Lovely, yeah. What
was the weather like?
Erm, er, it was great.
Smashing, yeah.
Ooh, I better go. [Chuckles]
- But Simon's just...
- See ya.
Coming down.
[Sighs] Who was that?
Er, oh, yeah, no, that
was, that was Neil.
He, erm, he wanted to see
you but then he had to go.
Did he bring that
£200 he owes me?
So I'm like, sure, the
mazerati performs well,
especially in the wet, but it doesn't have
the sheer sex appeal of the Aston Martin.
I mean, my Aston is more
classic, but it's just the business,
and I mean "the business".
And he's like, "yeah, but the mazerati
mc12 goes from 0 to 100 in 3.8 seconds,"
that's kilometres,
not miles, by the way.
And I'm like, "yeah, but the Aston
is just a big blow job on wheels."
And he's like, "well, actually,
- a jag has better grip."
- [Shushing]
- And I'm like, I'm like...
- [Shushing]
"A jag?"
And he's like, "er, sure."
- But...
- [Shushing]
I said have you
seen the chassis...
Carburettor?
Did anyone see that documentary
the other night on mandela?
Brilliant. Taped it.
Shanna?
Andy.
You're looking good.
So, oh, you and him...
Erm, yeah, for a few months now.
[Sighs]
A few months...
I thought...
Yeah, I'm sorry, Andy.
Because I'm still fond of you.
I'm still fond of you, too.
[Hysterical crying]
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Sorry?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I'm hearing the word "marzipan"
and something
about a space hopper.
- Not marzipan!
- Not marzipan.
Just-just say it really slowly.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I will complete the
pyramids in five minutes,
thank you, pharaoh.
No?
Ta-dah!
- Well?
- Hmm.
Should of cost
600. I got it for 250.
My coat cost double that.
No, no, no, it wasn't
my coat. It's my bag.
Your bag? Yeah.
You don't like it, do you?
What can I say? It's...
A bag.
But?
If I had to make one criticism.
You know, if I had
to pick something out,
if I was forced to,
maybe there's just
a few too many bubbles...
Bubbles?
Coming out of it.
[Scoffs]
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
[Conductor] This train is about
to depart, please mind the doors.
[Doors shutting, beeping]
[Groans]
Awww.
[Groans]
Shame!
She is gorgeous.
Thank you. She's our first.
Do you have
children of your own?
Er, me? No, I don't have.
Oh, my god. Why
not? You should do.
When I see a woman like
you, you should have kids.
Oh... [chuckles] Well,
it's just not for me.
Oh, no, you really should. They
make all the difference, you know.
- They are wonderful.
- [Giggles]
Ok, maybe, yes.
It's just, mmm, it's just,
no, I'm not, I'm not going to.
Every single woman
should be a mother, so...
We believe it to be
the big man's plan.
- [Laughs] We do, don't we?
- Well, it's not for me.
I dunno why not? Why not?
Because there's something
wrong with my twat.
If you wanna take a
peek, it's right there.
Good day to you.
Come on, darling.
The panasonic cr56,
that is just a real home
cinema experience.
I mean, that is just the
business, I mean, "the business".
I mean the De-noising
on that is just flawless.
-I mean, I've got an rgb connection...
-[Shushing]
which you have to if you want to
get the most out of the Genesis chip.
And-and the mpeg player is...
- [Shushing]
- [Mumbling]
The subwoofers are immense.
I mean, the...
Bah...
Yeah, so I'm thinking
of taking her to this, erm,
it's like a baby theatre group.
[Chattering]
Hmm.
It has been 23 days
now, sweetheart.
Since what, darling?
Since I was last unfaithful.
Oh, wow. Well done.
Thank you very
much. What about you?
Ooh, erm, yeah, I slipped
up at the weekend, I'm afraid.
- Oh, oops. [Laughs]
- Mmm.
That's a shame. You
had almost done a month.
- Ah, no, really?
- Yeah.
- Pfft, never mind.
- Never mind.
Bye-bye, darling.
-Good luck. Have a good day. Bye-bye.
-See you later. Bye!
[Groans]
Oooh, god.
Ok, so I'm meeting
Paul for a drink tonight
so I'll probably grab
some food on the way.
Ok, no problem.
What's that for?
Oh, I'm just writing
a letter to a murderer.
Great. What?
Oh, there's this guy from broadmoor,
I read about him in the paper.
I just dropped him a line.
And he writes back?
Yeah, about twice a week.
He used to hide in the
woods and kill ramblers.
They call him the badger,
but his real name's graeme
and he's very sweet.
Although the letters I
do get are a bit fruity.
[Nervous laugh]
Here's this morning's if
you want to take a look.
He asked me to marry him,
like after three months,
which is weird,
cos we've been together for like
seven years and you've never asked.
So, I don't know,
I think that this is a
relationship that's going places.
Gonna say no?
I dunno.
I think what I'm gonna do
is I'm just gonna keep writing
and just see what
pops into my head.
Katie...
Let's get married.
And?
And we'll move to Norfolk.
And?
And I'll cut my hair. Just
stop writing to the ferret.
- Badger.
- Badger, whatever.
Mmm. Ok.
- Ok. [Sigh of relief]
- Ok.
And this is what he
wants to do to you?
Yeah.
Ahh...
- In your, in your face?
- In my face.
[Mumbles whilst crying]
Pakistan?
- [Mumbles whilst crying]
- Kazakhstan?
[Mumbles whilst crying]
- Turkmenistan?
- No, I don't think it's a country.
It sounds like one of those
countries from the ex-Soviet bloc.
- Really? I don't hear that?
- [Mumbles whilst crying]
Tajikistan?
[Mumbles whilst crying]
No.
[Mumbles whilst crying]
Whoa.
Oh, that was brilliant.
I feel completely rejuvenated.
They had everything. There
was a swimming pool, steam room.
You had your facial then?
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
What is it? What's the matter?
Oh, they haven't left cream on or
something on my face, have they?
Er, it looks, it looks really
good. Your hair's great.
Your skin's really glowing.
Erm, it's just the,
it's just the hair
on the upper lip.
- What?
- Well, you know,
it's-it's a tiny bit, er,
visible there.
Right. Are you saying
I've got a moustache?
Well...
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
- Hi.
- Hello.
I just waned to ask
about this face cream.
Oh, it's one of our
most popular products.
Oh, actually, the thing is,
I'm just not very happy with it.
I've been buying it for ages now. I
think it's making me look really old.
Sorry, I don't quite...
Ok, ok. I've been
buying it since 1995
and the advert says
makes skin instantly younger
and all that's happened is I've just
been getting more and more old looking.
Right. So you bought it in 1995?
That's right.
And since that
time you look older?
Yeah. Probably about,
yeah, ten years older.
This is how I looked before
I started using the cream.
- In 1995.
- Yeah.
Now, I don't know if
you can see clearly,
but I look quite young there.
Erm, I think I'm quite pretty.
Yes.
Yes, but, you
see, now I'm just...
Well, I'm not happy with
my appearance at all.
It's much older. Just,
like, look at my face.
Well, you would expect the
cream to help you look younger.
That's what I thought.
I imagine what you're doing is
you're comparing yourself now
to how you looked ten years ago.
Yeah. And now I look
older because of the cream.
No, it's not because
of the cream.
Oh. Oh, ok, why?
It's because it's
ten years later.
So I look older now
because it's ten years later?
It's got nothing to
do with the cream.
[Together] It's
just ten years later.
It's got nothing to
do with the cream.
Oh. Huh! Ok.
I... i get it.
Thank you.
It's nothing to do with...
It's nothing to do
with this. At all.
Hello.
Daddy is a twat,
daddy has no friends.
Who taught her to sing that?
I don't know...
Beautiful blue eyes,
little upturned nose.
Great big juicy red lips.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Pert little breasts.
Tiny little waist.
Big full backside.
Lovely long, smooth brown legs.
Oh, yeah!
I mean, it's gonna
be a lot of surgery
but I am gonna look hot.
[Man] Closer. Whoa!
Pack it in, Simon. I mean it.
I might have saved your life.
- I'm going in.
- What you doing?
I just want to stop now.
Come on. The tea's on,
you don't have to worry.
- Pack it in, Simon.
- Fine, sorry, I won't. Come on.
I got ya. I got ya.
- Whoa.
- Ahh!
[Man] Ooh!
Ooh.
Bollocks.
Oh, I've got to stop doing that.
We had actually
done wine as a course.
[Laughter]
We just drank the lot.
So eventually last year we went to
the napa valley in northern California.
And, er, we spent three weeks
going around the vineyards...
I like wine.
Shh.
We would sample the local
wines from the vineyards.
Now interesting point...
[Groans]
Ahh!
[Both groaning]
Hi.
Ok. So...
Why do I look so much older
than I do in the photograph?
[Sarcastic laugh] Well...
[Manic laugh]
Sorry, I... I'm being stupid?
[Laughs]
You bought the
cream ten years ago
and now it's ten
years later, so...
The cream adds on ten years.
No.
Er, you look older,
because, madam, ok, right...
- How old are you?
- 35.
Oh, and how old do
you think you look?
Oh, god, well, the cream, it
really has put on a few years
so I'd probably
say about mid-30s.
Yeah, I'm gonna go for 35.
So if you think about it,
you look ten years older...
[Together] Because, madam,
you are...
[Together] Ten years older!
Yes.
Oh. Ah.
Ooh, yes, yes.
Yeah, I see.
The cream adds on ten years.
That's not the cream's fault.
No, the cream doesn't
add on ten years.
It's just a side effect
of using the cream?
-No, it's the normal effect of ageing.
-I look older because?
Because you are ten years older.
It's got nothing to
do with the cream.
Thanks.
- [Mumbling whilst crying]
- Obelisk?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
- Pasta?
- [Mumbling whilst crying]
- Mascarpone?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
- Penguin!
- No!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
[Groaning]
So, er, what about you?
Er, well, I've got
to finish my thesis
and then I've been asked to work
for a think tank, which should be great.
- That's great. Well done, mate.
- Thank you very much.
Simon! Alright, bruv?
Specksy, oi, oi, saveloy.
What you been up to, you wanker?
Nothing much, you know, usual.
How do you fancy
coming to faliraki next week
with me and some of the lads,
shag a bit of quality kipper?
Fucking love it.
Can't though, mate, it's
a bit short notice, yeah.
It's a shame. Liam
had to pull out.
Stupid prick got nicked
with a bag of bumbles.
[Chortles] Wanker.
No, I'd love to, mate,
but I've got to stay home
and finish my... Thesis.
What's that you're
saying? Faeces?
What's that, is it like shit?
Er, no, no, thesis.
What the fucking hell is that?
It's a fucking...
Extended essay, mate.
Why don't you tell
him the title, Simon?
Oh, yeah.
Why don't you tell
me the title, Simon?
It's called...
'Population genetics
and demography
of the homany
sub-saharan African'...
Mate.
Shit!
Specksy!
- Hello. [Laughs]
- [Laughs]
Sorry. It's me.
And my cream.
Ok, so, just...
Should I or should I not
be applying the cream.
I don't know, that's up to you.
Because, ideally, I just
want to look younger...
[screams]
Check.
Mm, no, it isn't.
Yeah, it is.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yep.
You do know the rules, right?
Yeah, i-i, of course I know the rules,
I live the rules. I am the rules, so.
Fine.
It's your go.
Yes, I know, it's my go.
I'm just thinking.
Mm.
[Roaring]
[Screams]
Checkmate.
Jammy little shit.
Do you want another one?
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Let's set 'em up.
You must remember, it
was on about late '80s.
- No, I don't.
- No?
No, I can't remember.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Who's this bloke? Eh? Who is he?
Dunno, haven't seen him around.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, look, there he is.
Week old.
[Together] Aww.
A month.
Yeah.
Six weeks.
Boring dad.
Look, it's still me, alright.
Go on, I'll have a pint.
Luke?
Er, yeah, yeah, I'm
going to have another one.
No, he won't,
he'll finish that one
and if he's got any room in
his little tummy-tummy-tum-tum.
Won't ya? There's a good boy.
Right, so, er, that's
just one for you?
Yeah, yeah.
A little blow for
daddy. Blow for daddy.
Oh, yeah.
There's a good boy.
Er, so, erm,
so have you got anyone to, erm,
to buy that corsa because I
know someone who might be...
Oh, where's the crisps gone?
[Gasps] Crisps all gone.
Where the crisps go?
[Inhales] Say bye-bye.
Wave bye-bye, crisp!
Wave bye-bye.
Er, could, erm, could you stop
being a dad just for one evening?
What, what do you mean?
Well, it's just that...
Oh, look at your
sad little faces.
How are we going to make
them happy little faces, eh? Huh?
Do you want to go poo-poo?
Yeah, want to go poo-poo,
let me have a smell.
Oh, got a little poo-poo
in there for daddy, ain't ya?
Got a little poo-poo.
There's a good boy.
- There's a good boy.
- Don't do that.
There's a good boy. Let me
have a smell. Let daddy smell.
And this is the sitting room.
Oh, my god, you never
told me you were musical.
Yeah, I, er, I play a bit.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, you're amazing.
Well done. That's
really, that's fan... oh, ok.
Fantastic. That's... How
long have you been, er...
Oh.
Hello! [Laughs] I'm still here.
Nothing.
[Speaker dings]
[Air hostess] Ladies and
gentlemen, there's no need for alarm,
but if there is anyone on board
who holds a current pilot's licence
or, indeed, has any experience
of flying an aeroplane of any sort,
could they please make themselves
known to a member of the cabin crew?
Thank you.
Alex, you're a pilot,
you've been flying
747s for years.
Why don't you go
give them a hand?
Joanne,
I'm on holiday.
[Alarm blaring]
[Passengers screaming]
[Jet whining]
- [Man groans]
- [Woman] Whey!!
[Man] Unbelievable.
Unbelievable. I
cannot believe it.
We only just met, you know.
There was the crackle in the
air and bada-bing, you know.
We were straight at it.
I have never
pulled such a fit bird.
Ahh, ok.
I hate to burst your bubble,
buddy, but I'm a, I'm a working girl.
I hear what you're
saying, you know.
We've all got to put
corn on the table, yeah?
Yeah.
Er, I'm a, I'm a prostitute.
Oh.
That'll be 20 quid.
Oh, yeah.
Well...
If we're being honest
with one another,
I'm actually a...
Mini-cab driver.
And to get you back
to town from here is,
well, probably 25 quid.
So...
Why don't you just
gimme a, gimme a fiver.
Roger, rog.
[Playing drums]
[Women laughing]
[Woman] Shh. Shh.
Excuse me.
Hi, have you got this in a...
Lighter shade?
I don't know. I'll have
to ask my boss, debs.
- Debs?
- Yeah.
Do we have this
in a lighter shade?
Erm...
I'm gonna have to check for you.
Right, I'd like to speak to
your manager, please, now.
Right, well, she's not really...
Just get me your manager.
- Ooh.
- Mmm.
I'm gonna ring her.
Hello, ange, there's a,
a lady here that would like to
speak to you about something.
She's... she's coming now.
[Giggling]
[All laughing]
Can I help you at all?
[All laughing]