Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
I just want you all to know
how brave I think you all
are for coming here today.
[Chuckles] You're all
my little feeling soldiers.
This is a safe place.
This is your home.
So today, what I want is...
I just want you all to
talk about how you feel.
Ok. Jack, do you
want to go first?
Hi.
I feel...
[Cries] Oh, I'm sorry,
this is so difficult.
I'm not going to judge you in anyway,
I just want you to take your time.
[Heavy sigh]
Sometimes when I
wear this jumper...
I feel really...
Really...
Itchy.
Itchy?
Yeah, itchy.
Is that all?
Yeah.
Itchy, ok. Now, Nick.
It-it all started when, erm,
when I, er, I heard
this song on the radio.
How'd it make you feel?
It made me feel funky.
- Funky?
- It made me feel funky.
Well, that's not a very
difficult feeling to express, is it?
And you must have more
difficult feelings than that to share.
Ok, now, Dave,
erm, how do you feel?
So... come on, Dave.
Sometimes I feel thirsty.
[Weeps]
At night, I feel tired.
[Man crying]
Sometimes I feel drunk.
Ok, I'm not gonna
waste anymore time here.
Don't go. I think I
feel hot now, too.
He feels hot.
You need to wrap
up, it's bitter out there.
Right. Well, oh, well, at
least I can wear my new scarf.
Oh, another scarf?
Yeah, I usually
avoid anything green
but I think this really works.
I, er, I got it in the sale.
Er, it's pure cashmere.
Ok.
It's pure...
Cashmere. Excellent.
- You hate it.
- I don't hate it.
Yes, you do. I can tell
by the tone of your voice.
No, I don't, I don't hate it.
Then what's the matter?
Maybe, er, it's just,
it's just a little bit...
Rigid.
Rigid?
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
Hi.
Er, just thought i'd, erm,
I'd bring these round.
Oh, thanks, Andy,
that's-that's really good of you.
Three years of our
love, eh, just put in a box.
Yeah.
[Crying]
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Sorry?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
This is the secret
code for gay bars?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
- Christmas?
- Cra...
- Cranium? Crayfish?
- Cra...
Crazy! I go crazy!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I enjoy the music of
grand master flash.
I go crazy for his
rap and his beat.
- No!
- No?
Oh.
[Chuckle]
What you up to this weekend?
Oh, my flatmate's
got man troubles,
so I'm gonna hang out with
her and be a good friend.
[Together] Aww.
[Soft chuckles]
You... two will probably...
[Groans] Go out on the pull.
[All laugh]
What you doing Saturday night?
Oh, Saturday night?
Yeah, I am off to a gig.
Oh.
Giggedy gig.
[All laugh]
Who... who with?
Er, my sister and her new
bloke, who I haven't met yet.
And some mates from uni.
Brilliant.
And hopefully my boyfriend.
[Door closes]
[Man] The traveller's return.
Oh, have you been anywhere nice?
[Man] We wandered
over to the park.
Oh, lovely. And how was
Josh? Did he behave himself?
[Man] Oh, yeah, he loved it.
He even had a little
crawl on the grass.
Played with the
ducks and everything.
Where is Josh?
[Duck quacks]
Do you remember that barman
in that club in Barcelona?
- [All groan]
- Oh, my god, yes!
- That was so funny.
- He was so funny.
Who... was this?
Oh, me and Emily went
to Barcelona last year.
- You two were an item?
- Yeah, yeah, but, er,
it was just a fling.
So the guy in the bar, remember?
And every time he served
drinks he would swear in English.
[Mocking accent] I hate you.
Gin and tonic, bastard. Bastard.
[Woman laughs]
Oh, I just thought of something
that I did that was funny.
You know that time were were
in cornwall, it was the bread,
and I just, oh, god, you
all were laughing. [Laughs]
I don't remember.
- I can't remember that.
- Oh, well, doesn't matter.
- Why don't you show us, Suzanne?
- Yeah, come on, Suzanne.
Go on, tell us.
Ok, I will show you.
Took a bit of bread.
Hey, and then I... Oh,
hey, get another one.
Ok, I did, put them right on my eyes.
I said, "hey, look at me, everybody,
I've got bread in my eyes,
big bits of big old bread.
Behold, half bread, half woman.
Half of a sandwich,
and a bit of
everything else, yeah!
I say hello to
you from cornwall.
Super-duper bread...
Woman."
Guys?
No?
[Man] No, no.
I said something else, but...
Just... it was so funny then
when I said it, but can't quite...
- Remember when I had...
- Don't put it on mine.
Julie, the milk's off!
Help me!
Hi.
Help me, quick!
Hello. Oh! Oh, my gosh.
Help.
Excuse me. [Coughs]
Excuse me, erm, you're drowning.
I... help! He's drowning!
I can't swim.
Quickly!
Hold on. Do that.
Do-do that.
Ow. Oh. I don't...
Spit it out. No, joking, joking.
- [Indistinct chatter]
- [Music plays]
- Oi.
- [Together] Ehh.
Right, how do we do this again?
I can't believe you've
never done Tequila before.
Ok, you put the
salt on your hand,
er, then put the
lemon in your left hand.
Then take...
And then you snort the salt,
er, squeeze the
lemon in your eye,
er, you down the drink.
Throw the glass in the air,
black flip in and
out of the bar,
then catch the empty
glass and give us both £5.
Ahh!
[Groaning]
Here ya are.
Woo! It's got
quite a kick, innit?
Another one. Another one.
He said he didn't love me
and that he only said
it to keep me quiet.
Oh, what a bastard.
What a bloody bastard.
I can't believe I could
have been so stupid.
Oh, come here.
It's alright. Oh, there we go.
What are you doing?
Oh, you mean these?
Aren't they brilliant?
They look like real
hands but they're not.
No, they're carvings.
Paul brought them
back for me from Kenya.
You know, see, I didn't
wanna make a big deal out of it
because, you know,
you were all upset.
[Laughs] Oh, sorry.
Would you like to have a go?
- Probably make you feel better.
- No.
Later? Maybe later.
Look, watch, see,
up my sleeve, grrr!
I'm happy. [Laughs]
I'm happy, I'm
running, i'm creeping.
I'm creeping towards you
because you're so blue.
Oh, I'm so blue. Shake my hand.
- Oh, it's gone. Where's it gone?
- Just take it.
There it is. It's brilliant.
And we want to see a
happy smiling face, don't we?
- [Cries]
- Oh, oh.
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
Stamen. Photosynthesis.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I am best friends
with Jacques chirac
and his big fat stupid horse.
No. [Mumbling whilst crying]
No?
[Club music playing]
Hi, I'm Laura.
Hello, Laura.
Michael.
Hi, Michael.
So, er, who you
here with, Laura?
Oh, just my flatmates
and friends from uni.
They're over by the bar.
Oh, and my boyfriend.
[Music stops]
So, er, we couldn't decide
on blue or pink for the nursery
so we ended up with yellow
cos apparently it's quite soothing.
You must be so excited.
Mmm, we both are.
- And when's it due?
- April 17th.
Have you thought of a name?
Crap basket.
Crap basket?
Crap basket.
Crap basket if it's a
boy or Joan if it's a girl.
Yeah, but we're
really hoping for a boy.
Touch wood. [Chuckles]
Mmm-hmm. That's pretty.
It's a lovely name.
Help!
Yes, I can hear
you! I'm not deaf!
I'm drowning.
Oh, I'm drowning,
I'm drowning. Shut up!
Help! Help!
Why don't you try, I
don't know, swimming?
That would be
nice, just a bit of...
And I'm a little
bit tired right now
so if you could just stop for a
second thinking about yourself,
you know, that would be great.
I know this must be very
upsetting for you, Josh, but...
Mr fluffy was a
very old pussy cat,
very old indeed.
In human years, he was
even older than granddad.
Where's Josh?
[Seatbelt clicking]
What you doing?
Seat belt.
What?
- What for?
- Well, it's safety, innit?
What?
The light's come on, you've
got to put your seat belt on.
What?
When-when did this start off?
What, seat belts?
She's got no seat belt.
Stop pointing.
Looks pretty shit.
Just standard safety procedure
when you're on
board an aeroplane.
What the fuck is an aeroplane?
You've seen an aeroplane before.
[Laughs] What? No, I haven't.
Yeah, yeah, you have.
It's what, it's what
we are on, now.
Takes off in the sky.
Goes to different countries.
Oh, an aeroplane.
Aeroplane.
Do I look like an idiot?
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.
What's that?
Sweet baby Jesus,
what's happening now?
Ahh!
Ahhh!!
Make it stop, you fat fuck!
Ahhh!
Well, that was excellent, mr
meadows, thank you very much.
I think we're very pleased
with what you had to say.
[Whispers]
Right, sorry. I seem to
have missed a question off.
Yes, what are you
like in an emergency?
In an emergency?
Right, well, erm,
bloody awful.
Right, ok.
I tend to muck around
and act like a bit of a tit.
Right.
Then when it dawned
on me that it wasn't a drill,
I'd definitely panic
for real, you know.
I'd become quite
flappy, i'd probably cry.
Erm, ok, but-but what-what if
there was a real emergency?
Say that there was a fire
in this building right now?
Well, I'd push past you
three to get to the door,
then I'd just start
legging it for the lift.
Then I'd take the lift, I
definitely wouldn't use the stairs.
How would you raise the alarm?
I'd probably keep it
to myself, to be honest.
Erm, I wouldn't tell my
colleagues where I was
so there's every chance that
they'd think I was in the building
and someone would
attempt a rescue.
I'd be pretty chuffed if I
managed to get a day off out of it.
Right. Well, thank you
very much for coming in...
Oh, if I left my iPod or my
watch on my desk in the office,
I'd certainly run back in and
try and get it, that sort of thing.
Right, er...
Well, thank you
very much, erm...
Thank you.
And, er, see you soon.
Mmm.
Computer, crack, crater.
Terrorist, fillet, spasm,
amoeba, midget.
Facet, liver.
- Hi.
- Hiya.
Caravan.
Twinkle.
What are you doing in there?
Re-grouting the bloody shower?
Oh, lordy.
More?
Hit me.
- [Coughs]
- [Man whimpers]
Hit me again.
That's yours.
Wow.
What?
Nothing.
Phwoar.
- What, you don't like it?
- I do like it.
Phwoar.
But?
Erm,
it's just the bra has got maybe
just a little bit too much
animal hair on it.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
I might actually
just put the ring back
and just gonna wait for someone
else come, I'm nearly done.
It was nice meeting you.
Good luck with the
whole drowning thing.
Recommend kicking.
I'm just gonna, erm,
I'm just gonna
put the ring back.
Keep it up.
Michael, have you
finished that evaluation?
- Yeah.
- Oh, right, well, can I have it?
It's just that, erm, I need to
present it to the board on Monday.
Of course you can.
Nah. Ooh, erm, now.
Oh, it's just it's not
strictly in paper format.
Right, so you haven't done it?
No, I have done it. It's
just, it's just in my head.
Ok, well, that's fine, just, erm,
just give me the final figure.
Well, the final figure is...
Four.
Just four?
No, not just four.
[Chuckles]
No, it's, er,
four, four, four...
Four.
-It's just that it's usually a bit more?
-How much more?
Well, I mean, it's usually
at least six figures.
Ok. Yeah, sorry. Ergh.
Er, no, it's-it's,
er, four, four, four,
four, four...
That's still not right.
- Four?
- Great! Sorry. Thank you.
Thanks. Sorry, it's just there's
some people in this office
that will feed you any old crap
just to get to the pub on a Friday.
Well, those people
are stupid, lazy arse...
Heads.
They are, aren't they? Lazy, bloody
stupid, bloody arse heads. I hate them.
[Both laugh]
See you Monday.
Yeah, thank you, Michael.
That was brilliant. Cheers.
Lovely boy.
There is and never has been
any other man for me, Robert,
and I promise to love you
and go on loving
you until the day I die.
Claire, I can't tell you how
happy you've made me.
I now pronounce
you husband and wife.
You may kiss your bride.
So, this is it, we're
really married now, yeah?
[Chuckles] In the
eyes of the lord, yes.
Brilliant.
[Farts]
Oh, yes, I've been holding
that in for four years.
The thing is, Joe, I really
want to go out with you,
I just don't want to see you.
You're breaking up with me?
No.
My god, no, I love you.
[Laughs] Oh, phew.
I just think it would be
better for our relationship
if we didn't see
each other, ever.
Er, we wouldn't see each other?
Never again. No.
[Confused laugh]
Er, well, cos that
kind of sounds like
you're breaking up with me.
No, no, it's the
opposite of that.
You know why? Cos
it's making us stronger,
by leading completely
independent lives.
Oh, ok.
You have fun when
I'm not there, don't ya?
I mean, watching the telly,
hanging out with the guys,
doing your stuff.
So we'd still be going
out with each other?
That's right.
Er, but we just
wouldn't see each other?
No, never again. No.
Er, what about birthdays,
can we send cards?
Yeah, we could do that.
- Ah.
- But no.
Erm, are we allowed to, er,
sleep with other people?
- No, I don't think you should.
- Ok.
I'm supposed to go meet the
girls at seven so I'm just gonna...
-Ok. Ok -ok.
- Er, bye.
- Bye.
I love you.
- Ah, ha.
- Don't sleep with anyone else.
- Of course not.
[Man and woman groaning]
[Moaning continues]
[Banging on TV]
[Belt unbuckles]
And so taking it into account
the sales figures and expenditure
from the past year, I therefore
recommend to the board
a total investment of,
£444,444.
How come in the two weeks
that we've been seeing each other
we've never even, you know...
Well...
It's because you
don't fancy me, isn't it?
I mean, you like me a lot
but you don't want to hurt me.
I do. I do fancy ya. Honest.
Really?
Come on then.
- Where we going?
- We're going to the bedroom.
Alright.
I'll just have a
little drink first.
Ok.
Come on then.
Oh.
[Burps] Okey-dokey! Let's do it.
- You don't fancy me, do you?
- Not really, no.
Hi, Kelly.
Mark.
Get those party invites
printed ok on Friday?
Oh, yeah, after about two hours.
Damn that bloody photocopier.
Ooh, yeah, grrr, hate it.
Yeah, well, they-they should
really get a new one, but whatever.
Yeah. Oh, god, I hate it,
don't you? I just wanna...
Fucking dah, like that!
And fucking pull it to death!
Er, is that for despatch?
Hmm?
Oh, no, no.
Actually, it's for you.
It's a present.
Really? Oh, wow.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, my god.
What is it?
It's sand.
This is your present to me, er,
some sand in a shoebox.
[Manic laugh]
Like I'd give you some
sand in a shoebox.
You're weird, you. No,
let me give you a clue,
it's that stupid
jumped up polaroid.
The photocopier?
[Laughs] Yeah. Ground up.
You ground up the photocopier?
Worth it for the smile on
your very, very pretty face.
Erm...
Mark, this is too much.
The photocopier it
was, it was playing up
but generally it was
a very good machine
and now you've gone
and you've... ground it up.
Yeah, I know,
yeah, it were nothing.
Take it, get rid of it
and don't be so weird.
Right, of course.
It's kind of ruined the
surprise now, but, erm,
you know that dodgy fax machine
that keeps sending you all
that junk mail that you hate?
Why would I hate a fax machine?
Don't matter. See ya.
It really is rare that
someone of such calibre
has the energy and initiative
to really make a difference.
Ladies and gentlemen, Caroline.
[Applause]
Gosh, well, this is an honour.
And thanks to Gerard,
who I know has been working day and night
to help get this charity off the ground.
I'd like to thank the
board for their belief in me.
Erm, I'd like to thank my former
employers, deutsche banke,
for choosing to release
me from my contract.
[Chuckling]
And most of all I'd like to
thank my boyfriend, David,
- who has been a great source of...
- Fuck off.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
I was wondering if you have
anything that's good for dry skin?
[Inhales] Er, dry skin, er?
- [Giggling]
- Dry skin.
Er, debs, do we have
anything for dry skin?
Dry skin? Erm...
Gosh, you know, I think
we've got a night cream.
Have you used any
of our products before?
No, but I...
Look, I can see
what you're doing.
What are we doing?
With the stupid swear
signs, I'm not blind.
Sorry, I really don't know
what you're talking about.
-Can you get me your manager, please?
-Pardon?
- Get me your manager.
- Yep.
- Er, ange.
- Hm?
Hello, is there anything
I can help you with?
Yeah, I'd like to
make a complaint...
[Giggling]
For god's sake!
She didn't even see it.
[All laughing]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
I just want you all to know
how brave I think you all
are for coming here today.
[Chuckles] You're all
my little feeling soldiers.
This is a safe place.
This is your home.
So today, what I want is...
I just want you all to
talk about how you feel.
Ok. Jack, do you
want to go first?
Hi.
I feel...
[Cries] Oh, I'm sorry,
this is so difficult.
I'm not going to judge you in anyway,
I just want you to take your time.
[Heavy sigh]
Sometimes when I
wear this jumper...
I feel really...
Really...
Itchy.
Itchy?
Yeah, itchy.
Is that all?
Yeah.
Itchy, ok. Now, Nick.
It-it all started when, erm,
when I, er, I heard
this song on the radio.
How'd it make you feel?
It made me feel funky.
- Funky?
- It made me feel funky.
Well, that's not a very
difficult feeling to express, is it?
And you must have more
difficult feelings than that to share.
Ok, now, Dave,
erm, how do you feel?
So... come on, Dave.
Sometimes I feel thirsty.
[Weeps]
At night, I feel tired.
[Man crying]
Sometimes I feel drunk.
Ok, I'm not gonna
waste anymore time here.
Don't go. I think I
feel hot now, too.
He feels hot.
You need to wrap
up, it's bitter out there.
Right. Well, oh, well, at
least I can wear my new scarf.
Oh, another scarf?
Yeah, I usually
avoid anything green
but I think this really works.
I, er, I got it in the sale.
Er, it's pure cashmere.
Ok.
It's pure...
Cashmere. Excellent.
- You hate it.
- I don't hate it.
Yes, you do. I can tell
by the tone of your voice.
No, I don't, I don't hate it.
Then what's the matter?
Maybe, er, it's just,
it's just a little bit...
Rigid.
Rigid?
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
Hi.
Er, just thought i'd, erm,
I'd bring these round.
Oh, thanks, Andy,
that's-that's really good of you.
Three years of our
love, eh, just put in a box.
Yeah.
[Crying]
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Sorry?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
This is the secret
code for gay bars?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
- Christmas?
- Cra...
- Cranium? Crayfish?
- Cra...
Crazy! I go crazy!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I enjoy the music of
grand master flash.
I go crazy for his
rap and his beat.
- No!
- No?
Oh.
[Chuckle]
What you up to this weekend?
Oh, my flatmate's
got man troubles,
so I'm gonna hang out with
her and be a good friend.
[Together] Aww.
[Soft chuckles]
You... two will probably...
[Groans] Go out on the pull.
[All laugh]
What you doing Saturday night?
Oh, Saturday night?
Yeah, I am off to a gig.
Oh.
Giggedy gig.
[All laugh]
Who... who with?
Er, my sister and her new
bloke, who I haven't met yet.
And some mates from uni.
Brilliant.
And hopefully my boyfriend.
[Door closes]
[Man] The traveller's return.
Oh, have you been anywhere nice?
[Man] We wandered
over to the park.
Oh, lovely. And how was
Josh? Did he behave himself?
[Man] Oh, yeah, he loved it.
He even had a little
crawl on the grass.
Played with the
ducks and everything.
Where is Josh?
[Duck quacks]
Do you remember that barman
in that club in Barcelona?
- [All groan]
- Oh, my god, yes!
- That was so funny.
- He was so funny.
Who... was this?
Oh, me and Emily went
to Barcelona last year.
- You two were an item?
- Yeah, yeah, but, er,
it was just a fling.
So the guy in the bar, remember?
And every time he served
drinks he would swear in English.
[Mocking accent] I hate you.
Gin and tonic, bastard. Bastard.
[Woman laughs]
Oh, I just thought of something
that I did that was funny.
You know that time were were
in cornwall, it was the bread,
and I just, oh, god, you
all were laughing. [Laughs]
I don't remember.
- I can't remember that.
- Oh, well, doesn't matter.
- Why don't you show us, Suzanne?
- Yeah, come on, Suzanne.
Go on, tell us.
Ok, I will show you.
Took a bit of bread.
Hey, and then I... Oh,
hey, get another one.
Ok, I did, put them right on my eyes.
I said, "hey, look at me, everybody,
I've got bread in my eyes,
big bits of big old bread.
Behold, half bread, half woman.
Half of a sandwich,
and a bit of
everything else, yeah!
I say hello to
you from cornwall.
Super-duper bread...
Woman."
Guys?
No?
[Man] No, no.
I said something else, but...
Just... it was so funny then
when I said it, but can't quite...
- Remember when I had...
- Don't put it on mine.
Julie, the milk's off!
Help me!
Hi.
Help me, quick!
Hello. Oh! Oh, my gosh.
Help.
Excuse me. [Coughs]
Excuse me, erm, you're drowning.
I... help! He's drowning!
I can't swim.
Quickly!
Hold on. Do that.
Do-do that.
Ow. Oh. I don't...
Spit it out. No, joking, joking.
- [Indistinct chatter]
- [Music plays]
- Oi.
- [Together] Ehh.
Right, how do we do this again?
I can't believe you've
never done Tequila before.
Ok, you put the
salt on your hand,
er, then put the
lemon in your left hand.
Then take...
And then you snort the salt,
er, squeeze the
lemon in your eye,
er, you down the drink.
Throw the glass in the air,
black flip in and
out of the bar,
then catch the empty
glass and give us both £5.
Ahh!
[Groaning]
Here ya are.
Woo! It's got
quite a kick, innit?
Another one. Another one.
He said he didn't love me
and that he only said
it to keep me quiet.
Oh, what a bastard.
What a bloody bastard.
I can't believe I could
have been so stupid.
Oh, come here.
It's alright. Oh, there we go.
What are you doing?
Oh, you mean these?
Aren't they brilliant?
They look like real
hands but they're not.
No, they're carvings.
Paul brought them
back for me from Kenya.
You know, see, I didn't
wanna make a big deal out of it
because, you know,
you were all upset.
[Laughs] Oh, sorry.
Would you like to have a go?
- Probably make you feel better.
- No.
Later? Maybe later.
Look, watch, see,
up my sleeve, grrr!
I'm happy. [Laughs]
I'm happy, I'm
running, i'm creeping.
I'm creeping towards you
because you're so blue.
Oh, I'm so blue. Shake my hand.
- Oh, it's gone. Where's it gone?
- Just take it.
There it is. It's brilliant.
And we want to see a
happy smiling face, don't we?
- [Cries]
- Oh, oh.
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
Stamen. Photosynthesis.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
I am best friends
with Jacques chirac
and his big fat stupid horse.
No. [Mumbling whilst crying]
No?
[Club music playing]
Hi, I'm Laura.
Hello, Laura.
Michael.
Hi, Michael.
So, er, who you
here with, Laura?
Oh, just my flatmates
and friends from uni.
They're over by the bar.
Oh, and my boyfriend.
[Music stops]
So, er, we couldn't decide
on blue or pink for the nursery
so we ended up with yellow
cos apparently it's quite soothing.
You must be so excited.
Mmm, we both are.
- And when's it due?
- April 17th.
Have you thought of a name?
Crap basket.
Crap basket?
Crap basket.
Crap basket if it's a
boy or Joan if it's a girl.
Yeah, but we're
really hoping for a boy.
Touch wood. [Chuckles]
Mmm-hmm. That's pretty.
It's a lovely name.
Help!
Yes, I can hear
you! I'm not deaf!
I'm drowning.
Oh, I'm drowning,
I'm drowning. Shut up!
Help! Help!
Why don't you try, I
don't know, swimming?
That would be
nice, just a bit of...
And I'm a little
bit tired right now
so if you could just stop for a
second thinking about yourself,
you know, that would be great.
I know this must be very
upsetting for you, Josh, but...
Mr fluffy was a
very old pussy cat,
very old indeed.
In human years, he was
even older than granddad.
Where's Josh?
[Seatbelt clicking]
What you doing?
Seat belt.
What?
- What for?
- Well, it's safety, innit?
What?
The light's come on, you've
got to put your seat belt on.
What?
When-when did this start off?
What, seat belts?
She's got no seat belt.
Stop pointing.
Looks pretty shit.
Just standard safety procedure
when you're on
board an aeroplane.
What the fuck is an aeroplane?
You've seen an aeroplane before.
[Laughs] What? No, I haven't.
Yeah, yeah, you have.
It's what, it's what
we are on, now.
Takes off in the sky.
Goes to different countries.
Oh, an aeroplane.
Aeroplane.
Do I look like an idiot?
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.
What's that?
Sweet baby Jesus,
what's happening now?
Ahh!
Ahhh!!
Make it stop, you fat fuck!
Ahhh!
Well, that was excellent, mr
meadows, thank you very much.
I think we're very pleased
with what you had to say.
[Whispers]
Right, sorry. I seem to
have missed a question off.
Yes, what are you
like in an emergency?
In an emergency?
Right, well, erm,
bloody awful.
Right, ok.
I tend to muck around
and act like a bit of a tit.
Right.
Then when it dawned
on me that it wasn't a drill,
I'd definitely panic
for real, you know.
I'd become quite
flappy, i'd probably cry.
Erm, ok, but-but what-what if
there was a real emergency?
Say that there was a fire
in this building right now?
Well, I'd push past you
three to get to the door,
then I'd just start
legging it for the lift.
Then I'd take the lift, I
definitely wouldn't use the stairs.
How would you raise the alarm?
I'd probably keep it
to myself, to be honest.
Erm, I wouldn't tell my
colleagues where I was
so there's every chance that
they'd think I was in the building
and someone would
attempt a rescue.
I'd be pretty chuffed if I
managed to get a day off out of it.
Right. Well, thank you
very much for coming in...
Oh, if I left my iPod or my
watch on my desk in the office,
I'd certainly run back in and
try and get it, that sort of thing.
Right, er...
Well, thank you
very much, erm...
Thank you.
And, er, see you soon.
Mmm.
Computer, crack, crater.
Terrorist, fillet, spasm,
amoeba, midget.
Facet, liver.
- Hi.
- Hiya.
Caravan.
Twinkle.
What are you doing in there?
Re-grouting the bloody shower?
Oh, lordy.
More?
Hit me.
- [Coughs]
- [Man whimpers]
Hit me again.
That's yours.
Wow.
What?
Nothing.
Phwoar.
- What, you don't like it?
- I do like it.
Phwoar.
But?
Erm,
it's just the bra has got maybe
just a little bit too much
animal hair on it.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
I might actually
just put the ring back
and just gonna wait for someone
else come, I'm nearly done.
It was nice meeting you.
Good luck with the
whole drowning thing.
Recommend kicking.
I'm just gonna, erm,
I'm just gonna
put the ring back.
Keep it up.
Michael, have you
finished that evaluation?
- Yeah.
- Oh, right, well, can I have it?
It's just that, erm, I need to
present it to the board on Monday.
Of course you can.
Nah. Ooh, erm, now.
Oh, it's just it's not
strictly in paper format.
Right, so you haven't done it?
No, I have done it. It's
just, it's just in my head.
Ok, well, that's fine, just, erm,
just give me the final figure.
Well, the final figure is...
Four.
Just four?
No, not just four.
[Chuckles]
No, it's, er,
four, four, four...
Four.
-It's just that it's usually a bit more?
-How much more?
Well, I mean, it's usually
at least six figures.
Ok. Yeah, sorry. Ergh.
Er, no, it's-it's,
er, four, four, four,
four, four...
That's still not right.
- Four?
- Great! Sorry. Thank you.
Thanks. Sorry, it's just there's
some people in this office
that will feed you any old crap
just to get to the pub on a Friday.
Well, those people
are stupid, lazy arse...
Heads.
They are, aren't they? Lazy, bloody
stupid, bloody arse heads. I hate them.
[Both laugh]
See you Monday.
Yeah, thank you, Michael.
That was brilliant. Cheers.
Lovely boy.
There is and never has been
any other man for me, Robert,
and I promise to love you
and go on loving
you until the day I die.
Claire, I can't tell you how
happy you've made me.
I now pronounce
you husband and wife.
You may kiss your bride.
So, this is it, we're
really married now, yeah?
[Chuckles] In the
eyes of the lord, yes.
Brilliant.
[Farts]
Oh, yes, I've been holding
that in for four years.
The thing is, Joe, I really
want to go out with you,
I just don't want to see you.
You're breaking up with me?
No.
My god, no, I love you.
[Laughs] Oh, phew.
I just think it would be
better for our relationship
if we didn't see
each other, ever.
Er, we wouldn't see each other?
Never again. No.
[Confused laugh]
Er, well, cos that
kind of sounds like
you're breaking up with me.
No, no, it's the
opposite of that.
You know why? Cos
it's making us stronger,
by leading completely
independent lives.
Oh, ok.
You have fun when
I'm not there, don't ya?
I mean, watching the telly,
hanging out with the guys,
doing your stuff.
So we'd still be going
out with each other?
That's right.
Er, but we just
wouldn't see each other?
No, never again. No.
Er, what about birthdays,
can we send cards?
Yeah, we could do that.
- Ah.
- But no.
Erm, are we allowed to, er,
sleep with other people?
- No, I don't think you should.
- Ok.
I'm supposed to go meet the
girls at seven so I'm just gonna...
-Ok. Ok -ok.
- Er, bye.
- Bye.
I love you.
- Ah, ha.
- Don't sleep with anyone else.
- Of course not.
[Man and woman groaning]
[Moaning continues]
[Banging on TV]
[Belt unbuckles]
And so taking it into account
the sales figures and expenditure
from the past year, I therefore
recommend to the board
a total investment of,
£444,444.
How come in the two weeks
that we've been seeing each other
we've never even, you know...
Well...
It's because you
don't fancy me, isn't it?
I mean, you like me a lot
but you don't want to hurt me.
I do. I do fancy ya. Honest.
Really?
Come on then.
- Where we going?
- We're going to the bedroom.
Alright.
I'll just have a
little drink first.
Ok.
Come on then.
Oh.
[Burps] Okey-dokey! Let's do it.
- You don't fancy me, do you?
- Not really, no.
Hi, Kelly.
Mark.
Get those party invites
printed ok on Friday?
Oh, yeah, after about two hours.
Damn that bloody photocopier.
Ooh, yeah, grrr, hate it.
Yeah, well, they-they should
really get a new one, but whatever.
Yeah. Oh, god, I hate it,
don't you? I just wanna...
Fucking dah, like that!
And fucking pull it to death!
Er, is that for despatch?
Hmm?
Oh, no, no.
Actually, it's for you.
It's a present.
Really? Oh, wow.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, my god.
What is it?
It's sand.
This is your present to me, er,
some sand in a shoebox.
[Manic laugh]
Like I'd give you some
sand in a shoebox.
You're weird, you. No,
let me give you a clue,
it's that stupid
jumped up polaroid.
The photocopier?
[Laughs] Yeah. Ground up.
You ground up the photocopier?
Worth it for the smile on
your very, very pretty face.
Erm...
Mark, this is too much.
The photocopier it
was, it was playing up
but generally it was
a very good machine
and now you've gone
and you've... ground it up.
Yeah, I know,
yeah, it were nothing.
Take it, get rid of it
and don't be so weird.
Right, of course.
It's kind of ruined the
surprise now, but, erm,
you know that dodgy fax machine
that keeps sending you all
that junk mail that you hate?
Why would I hate a fax machine?
Don't matter. See ya.
It really is rare that
someone of such calibre
has the energy and initiative
to really make a difference.
Ladies and gentlemen, Caroline.
[Applause]
Gosh, well, this is an honour.
And thanks to Gerard,
who I know has been working day and night
to help get this charity off the ground.
I'd like to thank the
board for their belief in me.
Erm, I'd like to thank my former
employers, deutsche banke,
for choosing to release
me from my contract.
[Chuckling]
And most of all I'd like to
thank my boyfriend, David,
- who has been a great source of...
- Fuck off.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
I was wondering if you have
anything that's good for dry skin?
[Inhales] Er, dry skin, er?
- [Giggling]
- Dry skin.
Er, debs, do we have
anything for dry skin?
Dry skin? Erm...
Gosh, you know, I think
we've got a night cream.
Have you used any
of our products before?
No, but I...
Look, I can see
what you're doing.
What are we doing?
With the stupid swear
signs, I'm not blind.
Sorry, I really don't know
what you're talking about.
-Can you get me your manager, please?
-Pardon?
- Get me your manager.
- Yep.
- Er, ange.
- Hm?
Hello, is there anything
I can help you with?
Yeah, I'd like to
make a complaint...
[Giggling]
For god's sake!
She didn't even see it.
[All laughing]